| What am I doing? |
[Jan. 4th, 2007|05:02 pm] |
A question sometimes I cannot even answer.
Life has taken me in many directions, and ever since I left college I have told my superiors that I am going where life will take me, toward opportunities presented. Now I wait, tomorrow evening I get off of work at 5:30, go to a hair appointment at 6:30 and as the clipping of my soft hair fall to the floor so will my Californian life be cleansed from my being. From that moment I leave, my car already packed from the morning, with the moon as my guide home. Home, such a funny term.
I feel lost and found simultaneously. I know where I am going, I believe I will be safe. I feel like my ends are a bit frayed and yet I am not getting caught by the emotions of that fray rather pleasantly watching the threads untwine as they may. A new experience, not a comfort in my unknown but a trust that having found a part of who I am I know how to move forward. |
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| It has been awhile |
[Nov. 28th, 2006|06:25 pm] |
One of my thrid cousins created a myspace page dedicated to aid us in keeping in touch, luring me back to checking my own page and now ultimately back to this page, where i write to deaf ears, or rather the lack of readers. With my office work seemingly slim, I have decided to spend time parading my words in cyberspace.
Here is an interesting note, the department of agriculture on their annual report regarding American access to food, euphamized the word "hunger" to "low food security" with an added range of "very low food security", I am assuming that replaced starvation. I wonder what they would call death by starvation? Possibly "prolonged paralysis of the intestinal villi" or better "nadirical food security"
I caught on NPR last week the newly "discovered" health factors surrounding chocolate, I mean not only does chocolate contain anti-oxidants (I believe that was last years discovery found in multiple fruits) but also they contain flavanoids that when taken about a couple of tablespoons a day can have similar effects as aspirin in reducing blood clots. Of course this is pure dark chocolate as bitter as the day is long. But still I like it, a little bit of good tasting sugar or even vegetable glycerin and what a medicinal treat!
Of course when I think of chocolate my mind ventures back to Koln, DE where I visited the chocolate museum/factory. Mmmm one of the best tasting museums of our time. |
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| Published!!!! |
[Aug. 25th, 2006|04:52 pm] |
I am an officially published Chemist in the Journal published by the American Chemical Society. Which is huge, If you want to know more call me I don't have time now to type.
PS I found this out on the 24th (My Birthday, what a glorious birthday) |
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| Dog-town |
[Aug. 2nd, 2006|10:31 pm] |
Thats right, Venice
Come one, come all,
On the 15th of August, Drey and I will sign our lease and move into our new apartment, a block from the beach! I guess I have to start surfing again...*input sly smirk*...fantastic.
I had my first consultation with my personal trainer yesterday and we start working hard tomorrow. |
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| What about that July |
[Jul. 24th, 2006|08:51 pm] |
This month, although still going, has brought out a lot of actions not found in the Verina natural behaviour manual. *I would like to point out that I have a behaviour manual*
I have committed to living in an area by accepting an actual full time career and *wait..wait* Today I signed up at the gym across from my work. Since I have nothing to rush home to or rather I'm trying to avoid anything/one at my home I had good reason. I even signed up for a personal trainer, I am excited.
So apparently this is found in the "unusual Verina Behaviour Manual", but it is not projected to last very long. I long to hitchhike on seas, or just keep running from town to town to place to job. When I can finance trips I will, and it will amazing, along with those free cruises, mmmm, benefits. |
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| My weekend = swiftness |
[Jun. 18th, 2006|11:16 pm] |
Yes, oh yes,
Lets begin at the end of work on friday. After changing into an extra pair of clothes Drey and I brought to work that morning we buzzed back to hollywood where we had made plans to see a silent film with our coworkers. That is right we saw a silent film in the only silent film movie house in the world (besides one in Australia). Sadly the guy that owns it is passing it over to a new set of owners at the end of this month and "they" [whoever they are] feel like it is going to be the end of an era and were documenting the whole night from the time we arrived and bought the tickets to the half hour after the movie we stood outside the place talking.
We met up with our coworkers and their sig. others sat down, some people came dressed up in old 1920's garb. The movie house had a modest screen two pianos and an organ on either side of a short stage.
The way the night went: the guy who owned the place started out with a song sung to a live pianist, and then gave us some trivia about the place and a lowdown of the nights itinerary. Apparently we did not just sign up for one movie that night (originally being of course 'The Kid' a charlie chaplin flick) but before all that we started off with an old pubic service announcement made for ladies (who wore crazy fruit filled hats) to please remove their hats (as they got in the way of everyones view behind them) -- a big crane came out of nowhere and would either just remove the hat or remove the hat and the lady :) -- a felix the cat cartoon (old school, mind you everything we watched was a silent film narrated musically by the live piano man), another short famous silent flick that I cannot remember the name to and then a bunch of trailers from that era of films that were coming out in the past. Then it was intermission (we still had not seen the film we came to watch).
Intermission involved going out to a private cabana-esque patio where they served hot chocolate and cookies! sooo good!
Then after being quized on chaplin trivia we started our film!
The movie, the experience...there is nothing more to say.
Afterwords we went out for beers at the hotwings joint we had gone to previously. Everynight should end with great conversation and good beer.
Saturday the house life was crazy and I figured I wold just leave and not get into, I decided a while ago after I had a real shake-up that it is not worth it, I am accepted by the adults in my life I needed acceptance from and the rest all just try to manipulate me, and I stopped caring about appeasing them, so the manipulation stopped working and now seems slighltly silly and melodramatic.
So I headed down to the grocery store deposited my paycheck in to the atm machine bought a carbonated juice and read my book on the patio. Eventually I was interrupted by an old drunk mexican who had caught the attention of a customer leaving the market and was trying to pursue a controversial conversation. Looking up at that man reminded me of the time I was moelested by a drunk elderly mexican at the beaverton Transit Station in Oregon, and I just decided to leave. Somehow I no longer found that the area very pleasurable. So off I walked back home to the same crazy mess, I went swimming, isolated myself and talked to Vaul on the phone. Then Drey and my Mom get into an argument because Drey is trying to clean the house (he has an old navy buddy staying the weekend and does not want to be embarrassed by the condition of the house, of which he gave her all week to work through all of her stuff which has taken over Drey's only living space) my mom is trying to get him to stop cleaning, and then she starts yelling and getting ancy with me (because everything is my fault, ungrateful daughter, right here), so again I'm like, "hmm I'm going to leave". I go down to the Armenian deli buy a sandwich for dinner walk up to Griffith Park, found a bench ate my dinner and read my book till dusk. By the time I got home Drey brought me up to date with how the rest his event finished, and by that time his navy friend, Rob, was about 15 min away.
Rob gets here and more fun begins. We stay up chatting, I finally get my laundry done, ready and prepared for Sunday, the day we christened The Eneepah.
The Eneepah, is my grandfather's new sailboat (the Hull was built in 1979). It is a 48ft catch (the second mast (mezzine) is lower than the first). This boat has a great story if any of you get to come out and sail on it or visit it I will tell you then. So my grandfather has been working almost a full year on getting this boat ready and it is gorgeous and almost ready for a good world cruise. One of those last details is the renaming ceremony. There is a lot of sailor/maritime lore so to appease the old ways properly Grampa made a speech letting Poseiden and the god of wind know that this boat is being christened and to take care of it on the mighty ocean and by the great gales. Then we poured 6 bottles of champagne off the bow to seal the pact.
Did I forget to mention my grandfather drinks, a lot. Well after the boat got its douse of liquor we had ours. There were 7 people and really only four drinkers (Drey, Rob, Grandpa and myself) we downed three bottles a champagne in a heart beat joined of course with sushi, onigiri, japanese cookies, cream puffs and other assorted foods. Drey then made Moscow mules, much vodka, then grampa made mai tai's much rum all joined by fantastic conversation between Drey, Rob, Kina, Grampa and myself. We all then took wonderful leisurely naps on the boat and when it was time we cleaned up and left.
Drey, Rob and I came home, swam and watched a B-scifi flick.
All I have to say at this point, the weekend was great, this weekend fantastic and I have feeling as Drey rejoins forces with his old Navy buddies and we continue to hang out with our coworkers there will be many more fun times to be had.
So while I am still half sober I thought I would share a little window into my fun world. |
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| Hot wings & Beer |
[Jun. 8th, 2006|10:51 pm] |
mmm
Drey and I went out after work with our coworkers for spicy hot wings and a lot of beer. There will be much more...like when drey and I get our own place everyone is over for moscow mules!
oh yeah |
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| Pi Delta Monkey |
[Jun. 4th, 2006|07:54 pm] |
That's right monkey!
As Friday came, my brother well reminded me a whole month has passed by with out one Moscow Mule. So we were off to the specialty store to pick-up his favorite brand of Ginger Beer & Vodka.
I will state this now, Drey makes an amazing Moscow Mule; half vodka, half ginger beer & a 1/2 of a lemon. SO tasty.
On another note, I am pleased to announce that my mother's fiance avoids eye contact and conversation with me.
I win.
Insert evil laugh here.
No, really I think I am evil, at the same time I derive no pleasure from sharing any space with him, especially when he has encroached in a home where the owners do not know of his existence. Nor that he is using there stuff (ie car) for his own purposes. Try this on for added maturity points he and my mother met in Decemeber he moved in in January. By March they decided to get married.
At first I handled it fine I let his idiosyncrasies slide, I only debated with him a bit (you all know how much I love to debate) and I was just happy that my mother found someone that was her own age (not 20 yrs younger).
...For your info...Background history...
I had not collected the rest of my belongings (aka furniture and my brother's stuff) from my Aunt's place for convuluted reasons, a big part of that is that I don't really have space to live here, clothes are about the most of my belongins that fit. But my Aunt decided that it had to go. I mentioned this to Steven (my mothers fiance) and he stated that I could keep my stuff at his place. I argued that I didn't think moving my stuff to his place was right, its his space and I understand the frustration that encrues from having someone elses belongings invading or taking up your personal area. The guy was overgenerous and was very very happy to do it (using the phrase I don't live there anyway, and it wouldplease me so much that I was helping you out...), I didn't have another option, so I agreed.
After this he would drop comments about my inadequacy of providing for myself financially, there by trapping me for any rebuke because of HIS "generous" offer.
May I say by the way Steven that you are living in home worth millions that you have not invested in an ounce and are living here in secret.
He then later asks me if I would like to help chaperone his middleschool band to Six-Flags. I say sure that sounds like fun, I like getting to play with kids and make sure they have a fun & safe good time. Then a couple weeks later he starts lecturing me about my behaviour and how I better behave when I chaperone because the have secret plants around the park to make sure that all the kids act right and if they don't they won't get an award or something. And If I misbehave infront of him he will insult me infront of his entire class until I behave and not to give him any attitude because he might be "Steven" at home but out there he is "Dr. K".
This peturbs me, I don't even have to sit there and listen but I do because it seemed proper (infact when he noticed I was just taking it, granted I was grinding my teeth, he landed the I will insult you line if you ever disobey me infront of my kids) and I felt I should speak my mind tell him how words made feel, maybe he could get to know me a little better.
First off I have only demonstrated good behaviour to him, although it was not submissive which I am sure he preferred especially judging by this outburst.
Secondly This is a man who openly says how much he cares for my Mother's children [even though he doesn't know us] how he would do whatever he could to take care of us and love us.
I finally spoke, I told him that by insulting me at any time is equivlent to saying fuck you. Saying fuck you in purposefully insulting manner to hurt and subdue someone to your will is not what I call genuine care.
To that he said, If I wanted to say Fuck you, I would say fuck you, I am not saying Fuck you.
I thought in my head, that's right get it out now, now that I have given you the permission to say it, feels good huh, you say it enough times I can tell you have been holding that back.
I explained to him that I had been to many competitions when I was in middle school and highschool, with band/theater/ and otherwise and I genuinely cared about this experience these children were about to embark.
He proceeds to ask "what did you play?" as though that would determine anything, I responded kindly, percussion.
Through our heated discussion my mother takes what he says seriously like its something profound and new(ie "it is really important to these kids because their hearts are in it, my mother lets out a soulful "oh") beacuse clearly I am heartless to impressionable/fragile youth. Then when I speak she chuckles and tries to says "oh verina". Yeah that is support *cough*.
Nonetheless, I told my mother later that evening that I would not chaperone for someone who feels dignified to insult me, ever. That is an unhealthy teaching method that I do not promote.
I try two more times over the week to have or be involved in a decent conversation, and with the first moments he insults me, so I leave. Now realizing I can never be around this man who is clearly a juevinile stuck in a 54 year old body.
One and a half weeks later I have my last conversation with him, a debate about people's worth. I won so hardcore, [he even insulted me again in the middle of the debate claiming I did not hear him right and then I retorted back with his exact debate and displayed not only my perfect listening capability but also my ability to devlop and execute my debating points while eliminating his, just because he cannot keep up is not my problem. We have not spoke nor had eye contact since. It has been about a month.
Now that he knows he cannot control me he has moved to my brother trying to own him by saying we only live here because of my mother. My mother does not financially provide for our living conditions either, it is because of our benevolent great aunt and uncle who are aware of our prescence that allows us to stay here. At least we are trying to move out and continue our lives we just needed a launching pad. We do not need to excuse our presence like him.
He had insulted me a few times before those mentioned above that I just let slide.
...Back to present...
These events and our different value system have led to my major disdain for his presence/existence around me. What took me two months to ascertain took Drey and Vaul 15 min alone with him. They could pick him apart pointing out his flaws and deeper psychological inhibitors. Also mentioning that there was nothing he could bring to the table intellecutally. I guess I still have to much faith in people's ability to be at least compassionate if they do not have the intellecual power. So I give them chance and chance again. Only when they insult me, then I wash my hands and say NEXT. [It is not the first time]
My biggest problem is that he and will be marrying my mother and he will be apart of people I love and I cannot stand someone I disadain in a core that I seek refuge. After they get married will they live here in this house together or will they do the right thing?
He hangs around my mother like a little puppy dog, and I can't have any long conversation with her (not that I am to pleased her lately but she is my mother, I still have a duty to her and I always hope that one day we could connect even after all of her lies and delusions, that hope is almost gone).
Maybe it is a blessing He can take her away and I will never have to deal with her pesturing my life. It is sad but I about done with our working relationship. I just never realized her lies/manipulation/control to the extent that I have since Drey came to live with here. How much she really fucked me over when I was struggling through college.
Anyways,
I love her as my mother but not for being my mother, I am grateful for what I have and have been given, I am far luckier than most. I think through this and the past few days I have realized more about who I count as real family not an elusive one that I fantasize and hope exists.
I almost wish I can just completely wash my hands, and retreat to those with whom I have built a stronghold family, blood and non-blood alike. perhaps that is my new direction.
I just want to add that I will be developing and changing and learning for the rest of my life so I like to surround myself by people who are healthy and compassionate and will aid in my growth in a positive way. I am sorry when I am aware I screw up, even when I am not too sure. I have been lucky to find a handful of people who fit this discription. |
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| Friday's Celebration |
[Jun. 2nd, 2006|10:14 pm] |
In exactly 1 week from Last Friday morning to this friday morning I have lost 8lbs. Some may say this is unhealthy, I say, The heat came out and my body said to me
Body, "Yo we have a lot of energy in here, this heat is a nice catalys to start using it, stop eating"
Mind, "Huh...you mean I don't have to eat the way society digninfies its community to eat"
Body, "Do they know how I feel and what I can do"
Mind, "I guess not"
Body, "trust me"
- - - Famous Last Words - - -
This Friday Also Signifies The First Day of Summer in California I have gone swimming, not only was the water warm, the swim was comfortable with the loss of some excess weight. |
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