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[22 Aug 2007|05:14pm] |
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so i'm sitting here on kent's computer while he's off at work, and though he's only a half-hour away, i kind of don't know what to do with myself. i've only been here for 3 days and it seems that we grow closer with each passing hour. it was so hard for me to let him go this morning. i felt like a child. this is all so weird to me. i've always known that i had the capacity to be caring and good, but little by little, each failed relationship dismantled my desire piece by piece. all this time that passed; all this time i spent being selfish on my own and having to force myself to act a certain way with boyfriends was so unsatisfying. repeating the same things over and over again with each one and thinking that redundancy was just an unfortunate reality of dating. feeling so unnatural and premeditated, because it always was. and then out of nowhere this shred of a ghost of a boy from a distant corner of my mind was put in front of me to mend and to love and to rescue me. and it's been working. i've never felt this way about anyone before, especially not on such short notice. he makes me better. nothing has been forced. i don't ever have to second-guess myself. i don't ever have to lie. everything is natural and everything is beautiful. i've grown up so much in the past few months and i really needed it. i'm such a baby and so helpless sometimes and i hate that about myself. really, the only thing i'm forcing upon myself is growing up. maybe i lacked a certain amount of maturity in my past relationships? i really doubt that's the case, but i don't want to take any chances with this one. i don't want life to go back to being what it was earlier this year. i can breathe now.
i made us dinner last night and fixed him a lunchbox to take to work this morning. i'm thinking about what tonight's dinner should be. i feel so domestic and i love it because he genuinely seems to need me. he's got his helplessnesses too, which is so endearing and makes me feel a lot better about my own. no matter how many times i hear that this isn't what i should be doing with my life right now, my heart can't help but turn a deaf ear. you're never too young to learn.
so this is true love.
i found my anchor. and here i thought i'd be adrift all this time.
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_paintnothing