An Empty Fate Just Means An Even Score

You've got to promise not to stop when I say when....

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 14:15:34 GMT

In the grand scheme of things, I've come to realize that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Take yesterday for example... I had it mapped out for days. Work OT, and party with my friends at night. I tried to put feelings into words and when that didn't work out for me, naturally, I put them to action. I wouldn't change a thing, but I also have to realize that plans don't always work out the way I'd envisioned.. and yet again, planning isn't necessarily the best course of action for me.

The result? I couldn't sleep and I'm still shaking with excitement. Because what I feel is like nothing I have felt before. Something about this feels genuine.

This week has been a beautiful disaster. My school was cancelled on me at the very last minute due to lack of profs, which I find ridiculous considering all three classes were full by mid summer, with waiting lists to boot. I had a surgery scheduled to correct the damage caused by my illness last year. The morning of, I woke up with the flu and it had to be rescheduled. Viruses acquired in hospitals when your immune system is on the down and out, can be deadly. My uncle was diagnosed with cancer on Sunday, and passed away by Thursday morning. So tragic and caught us all off guard. But through everything, I had someone to make me laugh every day. Who took the time to check in on me, and was an absolute doll. For the life of me people, don't let me let this one get away.. no matter how often I second guess myself or try to push. You've got to promise not to stop when I say when.......

Last but not least, I'm still uncertain about my November vacation time. I can't decide between New York, Seattle or LA. All of which I have my own reasons to go, but I need to figure out which one takes priority.

My heart is really happy, Seattle happy. Happier than it's been in a long time. And I plan to keep it that way.

stupid lonely hearts.

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 03:58:38 GMT

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

direction...

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 15:04:26 GMT

1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3. You must write that song name down no matter how silly it makes you look.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
folding the pages- smoke or fire

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELf?
wild is the wind - bon jovi

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
outside looking in- stretch arm strong

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
holiday- get up kids

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
kill the light - stretch arm strong

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
my love - justin timberlake

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
dont drag me down- social d

WHAT DO YOU OFTEN THINK ABOUT?
halloween - AFI

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
jungle - sick of it all

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
summer holidays vs punk routine - refused hahahaha

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
bullet proof - goo goo dolls

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
save your breath - hit the lights

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
great romances of the 20th century - taking back sunday

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
when it rains - paramore

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
i never wanted to - saosin

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
kickstart my heart - motley crue

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
cars pass in cold blood - the faint

WHAT WILL YOU NAME THIS?
direction - the starting line

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 04:48:24 GMT

"I've missed a few days. But in my absence, i've been thinking about some things. About how I used to pray for something to happen, something to just break the routine.. yknow? Of school and work. Something that would make a small town feel bigger. That would make a small town girl feel bigger too. And I realized one thing. That the bigger your world gets... the bigger your problems get too."

I found this appropriate.

I should have said what I really meant. But in doing so, it could potentially damage the situation. It could potentially damage us. And that is not a risk i'm willing to take. I'm too good of a friend for my own good.

Even if your heart would listen, I doubt I could explain.

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 05:41:43 GMT

Time never had a chance, to heal your heart.
Just a number, always counting down to a new start.
If you always knew the truth,
Then the world would spin around you
Are you dizzy yet?

So, just to clarify.... I have absolutely NO idea what I am doing. And yet somehow, I don't care. Because it's either neccessary... or just right.

<3

I wandered through fiction to look for the truth, buried beneath all the lies.

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 05:35:58 GMT

I felt the need to update, yet as I tend to post once a month or so.. I should find time to sleep this evening. You will have to wait on all of the juicy deets.

Here is a preview:

A week in Seattle brought me back to life. Surrounding myself with some of the most kind hearted, beautiful people I have ever known was the best thing that could happen to me. I came home and rid myself of all the ugly.. and I no longer feel guilty, in fact... I feel amazing.

I am through chasing. I am through settling. I am through with you. With all people that treat me like shit actually.

I received my acceptance letter last week, my school is paid for, and I am clear to work around my school schedule. Within two years I will be a fully certified paramedic waking up to the smell of the ocean every morning (providing I don't break down before then, and enroll in the highly recommended Vancouver program). I intend to put my whole heart into this.

another day, and you've had your fill of sinking.

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 05:00:50 GMT

I've been super busy, so the updates are in point form for your viewing pleasure..

-Work has paged me twice this week, once to offer me extra hours and once to confirm my vacation selection. I've only been working for this company for one year, and already I am entitled to 3 weeks of paid vacation. So, for those of you who are interested.. I will once again be in the Huntington Beach area from May 17th to the 26th. Maybe longer depending on how I manage my days off in and around that time. If anything, I can't wait to get back to John. I also need an authentic Metal Skool night. Hopefully Deals makes it out around the same time..

-I have successfully painted two rooms, a hallway and a foyer in two days entirely on my own. Two days seems like a long time, but keep in mind the largest of the rooms is in a deep toned red. It took three coats to look perfect, and i'm a little OCD in that respect. I also think I managed to sprain my wrist in the process, its pretty swollen. But here I am at midnight, still awake.. and making the perfect salad for approx 20 people. I'm not easily defeated.

-For every episode of Grey's I watch, I miss Seattle that much more.

-I wish my girls were home for Andrew WK. But I managed to jump on stage and rock out anyway. SOBER. He and I should get married. Linds, I'm glad we didn't decide on Arby's as an alternative.. i'm pretty sure you're with me on that one.

-I have a plan, for fall. That involves me actually committing to something. I even have the finances to do so.. i'll just have to drive a beater of a car in the meantime, and more importantly cut back on my Marc Jacobs addiction.

-I've been going the the gym a LOT. This does not help me sleep any better.

-if you read this, I probably miss you too.

you've got to promise not to stop when I say when...

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 20:51:17 GMT

At this moment, there are six billion people in the world. Some are running scared, some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day, others are simply not facing the truth. Some are evil, at war with good... And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, thus six billion souls. And sometimes... all you need is one.

This weekend was pretty great. I miss you, Chip. xo

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 06:35:06 GMT

When the world deals a shitty hand, or deems me invsible.. it's comforting to know that you still see me.

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 05:33:03 GMT

Such a great line, I live for moments like these..

"How can you, of all people, dispose of yourself without affection?"

"Been around the world, and found that only stupid people are breeding.."

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 02:36:18 GMT

California was wonderful... I can't wait to go back. I promised Andi I would come out for a month and help with Jayden, who is by far the most adorable child in the world. Long days and little sleep didn't affect me out there, I was just so happy to be somewhere other than here.

John once again took me on the most incredible date. Started with lunch at Velvet Margarita, a cute mexican restaurant in Hollywood. Next, Starbucks and hours browsing the boutiques on Melrose. Shopping was in full effect that day, we ended up at the Beverly Centre for another few hours. I met some of his friends, and then the two of us went to the restaurant he had promised. It was adorable, the food was incredible and the best part is that it was right on the beach. I couldn't have asked for a better day.

Tattoo convention, Taco Bell/Del Taco, Metal Skool, Disneyland, shopping, babysitting, Grey's Anatomy, and late night coffee with ex-John.. overall it went pretty great. However, due to lack of time and transportation, I wasn't able to see everyone. (Kristin & Scotty: i'm coming back soon!!) I had the opportunity to speak with LA Ink's Hannah who is going to work on a piece for my arm, i'm so excited and was so impressed with how genuine she was. She hugged me and thanked me for coming out, and gave me her email address so we could work out a date. Amazing. At the convention, Andi & I ran into the dude from Bad Religion who hooked us up with the Warped Tour this past summer. Kinda random, but my travels are always like that.

The flight home was less than stellar, I think my overall travel time was 20 some hours.. but due to circumstance, Dave was on my flight and provided me with some comfort after an exhausting day of cruising 3 different airports. United gave me a travel voucher worth 100 bucks, so it wasn't all bad. And if I hadn't missed both connections, I wouldn't have had a travel companion for the last few hours. I can't tell you how grateful I am for that, it was the perfect end to a perfect vacation.

"and while I love you to death, i don't think i like you anymore."

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 08:14:07 GMT

I have this natural ability to read people, to see people and if necessary.. see through people. Once in a blue moon, this results in great disappointment. Because I put faith and see the best in them, even if they don't see it in themselves. I'm a fool. I think Kristin said it best, my ability and need to love takes away from my ability to live.

John and I spoke briefly this evening about my anticipated visit. He wouldn't dish much about the plans we have, other than one evening was to involve a world renowned restaurant willing to prepare a vegetarian dish by request. I guess i'm going to have to break out a dress for this one. I stand by my theory that American guys know how to do it right. And therefore...Miss Hollywood is ready to rock. But that's not all.. I am eager to see my girls, spend the day at Disneyland and max my credit card on overpriced clothing!

I have the rest of the week off, and it's already completely booked. I love it.

"you can't stop me now. you can't hold me down. you can't keep me here, i'm on my way."

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 02:33:50 GMT

Today is flying by. Numerous posts and complaints about the weather is a given, and on most days it would make for a grumbly sherbear. But not today. Actually, not any day as of late. The weekend pretty much rocked, and I’m still on a high as a result. The only exception to the rule, is my boys Cole & Cejae being rejected by the border. Ridiculous. I love Americans and I wanted to show them how we roll in the Peg. Ah well, another time, another place.

Saturday was amazing. Started off the night at the Alby, made it out for Brad’s birthday at TYC, and ended the night dancing my ass off at the Pyramid. Now that I think about it, I pretty much ran into all of my favorite people that night at one of the above locations. And besides, I was able to rock out with Andrew for a few hours before he leaves this city for good. He is one of my oldest friends within the music scene here, dating back to the green Mohawk phase. Although he is on tour most of the year, running into him on occasion makes it feel like home. Especially now that most of us reside on opposite ends of the continent.

Sunday, I was pretty much a write off. Which is a bummer, because I had to bail on my dinner date with Robert…but I don’t think he was any better off than I.

My aunt passed away this morning after suffering tirelessly all week. My mom is dealing with her sister’s death the way I would, burying herself in her work and riding the phone lines for the better part of the evening. Looking out for the rest of the fam, and being the shoulder... sounds familiar. I definitely know where I get my strength from. This weekend is going to be hectic with so many people crashing at the house.. I almost would rather be elsewhere. I’m open to suggestions.

California is coming up so fast, I can almost taste it.

On sleepless roads, the sleepless go.

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 13:07:55 GMT

In true realist fashion, I find myself searching for a missing ingredient in the composition. The end result is fairly certain however, and there isn't anything about this that isn't already heading for perfect.

"so I packed my car and I headed east. to where I felt your fire and a sweet release."

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 08:25:41 GMT

Some of the most inspiring words ever spoken to me:

"I heard once that Love is giving someone your heart to break, and trusting them not to."

I greatly underestimate the opposite sex at times.

"Its a different day. 1500 miles away."

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 13:39:40 GMT

Don't take from me, my heart is barely beating...

The holidays were a glorious disaster as always. But the way I see it, don't expect much and you aren't really disappointed. This theory applies to both the outcome and the person(s) involved, thus barely scratching the surface.

I was considering writing out my goals and aspirations for the coming year, but fuck it. Writing them out only means you have something to prove, something to live up to, when in reality everything changes over time. We change our minds... or circumstance does it for us. I will promise you that I have committed myself to change this year. This includes career, travels, tour and maybe even location. But you will know more about that when you need to.

My efforts to surprise my friends in the NW were botched when I couldn't justify over a grand to fly into Vancouver for 5 days. It would have been nice to spend New Years with some of my favorite people in the world. But you know me, I don't give up that easily... and will reschedule shortly. I desperately need a holiday, and where better than home!?

Last but not least, in the event that you may or may not come across this.. but Tim sweetie, you literally rescued me from the holidays. It goes without saying, you are a great person.

I wish all of you the best this year... It's gonna be great. I can feel it.

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 05:21:09 GMT

I'm not quite sure if it's sad or endearing when the dude working the deli at Safeway says to you:
"He's not worth your tears."

And I'm trying hard to figure out, just how i ever did without.

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 07:31:27 GMT

A surprising number of people approach me about my posts.. and therefore I feel I must put a disclaimer at the beginning of this one. Keep in mind that every time I write, I have had something in my head that needs to get out.. the emotions are usually running strong and I write my best. If i were to write an entry for every day of the year, it would be a very boring journal. So for the dudes, the exs and the general lurkers: I am happy. I have my days, but overall things are pretty good.. There is little to compain about these days.

Sheri at a glance...

In my last entry, I described a feeling of natural cleansing. And since that morning, I can listen to the most intense lyrics of a song I adore, and sing along with no need to relate it to something or someone that broke my heart. I just think of all the great memories associated with those moments. And I just can't stop smiling.

My dog has made a complete recovery. Due to the chemo and the steroids she went from 8 lbs to 12 lbs, so she's quite the lil chub. I remember sitting in the vets office on a Friday morning, and him telling me that I had until Monday to make a decision as to whether or not I was going to put her down. Her blood levels were at a fatal 12 percent, and by all medical standards she really shouldn't have pulled through. Granted she will be on meds for the rest of her life and the vet bill is well over $1,500 ... it was worth every cent. The staff at the Transcona Vet are phenomenal. I couldn't imagine coming home to an empty house. I'm going to buy them a ginormous box of chocolates complete with a Christmas card.

I have paid off all of my credit cards, all of my bills, and am on the last leg of my line of credit. I finally received my EI cash today, and not a minute too soon! From here on in, I have the ability to save. To make something better for myself.. whether it be school, a new city or just a new adventure. It's long overdue.

A really dear friend of mine has kinda been in a rut as of late, and although 2007 may have kicked my ass in more ways than one.. he never hesitated to be there for me. So I made a decision and I called him tonight to tell him that I will be flying to Denver to spend New Years with him. We have been friends for ten years, and I can't imagine anything better than being lost in the mountains with one of my favorite people in the world. Especially since he was planning on flying up last Christmas and couldn't becuase the airport was snowed in. He was telling me that every year, mountaineers climb to the peaks and shoot off incredible fireworks that light up the mountains. I can't wait, and more importanly I get to give back everything he gave me over the years. Heres to 2008, because I think it holds nothing but possibilities.

On Friday, MTS releases the Blackberry Pearl and I will be the proud owner of an actual working phone. So I can get back on AIM and in touch with my friends all over the world. I have learned to distance myself from my phone, and the need to text every other minute. (Sorry Tre, I replaced yours with emails) I spend the majority of my breaks and long drives catching up with people via actual conversation. It has become much too easy to hide behind a laptop or text messaging, and I plan to change that.

This very adorable friend of mine is cooking me dinner for my birthday/christmas. Mainly because he can't fathom the idea that I am almost 27 years old, and have never had an actual meal cooked for me by a dude. From scratch. To those of you ladies who see this kinda thing often, it might seem strange that I am genuinely excited. But to me it means the world, because it's a present that no one else has been able to give me.
It's going to be a close second to the year I spent at Mama's cafe in Seattle with John and Lil Bee.

Amazing. I miss you all.

"paint comes in stages. if we don't make it, nothing changes."

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 15:24:42 GMT

Do you ever have one of those days, in which the instant you open your eyes.. you just know that something you have been holding on to.... is gone. And all of the feelings associated with it, both the good and the bad are gone as well.

And it's exactly what you needed.

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 07:23:46 GMT

My So-Called Life pretty much sums up my high school years.. only I didn't land my Jordan Catalano until I turned 18.

...He and I are amazing friends to this day. And I am still grateful for every conversation.

"so lonely inside, so busy out there.. and all you wanted was somebody who cares."

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 19:17:49 GMT

I have come to realize that dreamers are always going to wake up tired.

....and for those of us who are realistic, we may not sleep as well at night...but we sure as hell see it coming.

“You don’t have to stay, but I hoped you would anyway. All you do is up and go”

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 23:07:15 GMT

Time for an update…

Heather and I have finally found a house in our desired location. I am in love with the layout. Its perfect for the two of us, and our pups. She is planning to purchase a golden retriever pup so we will have a new addition to our household. Not looking forward to the teething phase however, especially now that my taste in shoes has been knocked up a few dollars.

I am now a regular part-time employee at work. It basically means I’m permanently termed up to full-time with benefits. With vacation and paid sick days. It’s nice to have that security blanket… and there is plenty of overtime available to me right now. Ten hour days aren't so bad once you’re already there, as long as you stay busy.

I am really happy lately, I find myself singing all the time. Even on the days I am forced to wake up with the sun. I am either smitten, or simply an idiot. Either works for me.

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 12:03:01 GMT

So my tiny ten pound puppy is going through chemo treatments, along with a chemical treatment and a buttload of pills. I would best describe her condition as the dog equivalent of leukeimia. I was allowed to bring her home overnight in an attempt to get her to eat something, with the promise that she would go back in the morning. I can't even imagine what she must be feeling.. I mean, humans can comprehend medical procedures and recovery time, whereas a pet just knows it hurts. It breaks my heart in a hundred different ways.

And you don't even want to know what my vet bill is.. Regardless, it will be worth it.

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 09:46:41 GMT

Its been a tough year for me. I've been working part-time for the greater part of it, and have exhausted all of my savings in the meantime. I am being audited by the Government, perhaps because I didn't make enough money, lived on my own for part of the year and they don't believe that a student on a part-time wage with no loan assistance could afford to. Some of us have learned how to budget.

I was sick for two months, and found faults in any relationship I tried to build. I was informed today that my dog has an incurable disease attacking her red blood cells, and she is only 4 years old. BUT despite all the bad, I remain tough and positive... Don't ask me how, but i'm going to say a good part of it has to do with having a stellar support system. <3

I can't help but think I should move back to Vancouver and rebuild.

"You better choose your words carefully, because I'm not your anything"

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 13:03:36 GMT

The days are getting shorter, and progressively more cold. I can't help but want to lay under a big blanket some days, finding myself more and more eager to share that blanket before the end of the year. Yet at the same time, my fear of getting hurt prevents me from really going forward with it.
I met this incredible guy a few months ago via work. Throughout the weeks of being sick, he provided me with oodles of support and more importantly, laughs when I needed it the most. A good friend of mine insists he is pure gold and super witty, and that we would click in an instant. Not to mention, he shares one of the most important aspects of my life.. music. Thats rare to find in a city the size of Winnipeg. So what am I afraid of, you ask? I am not entirely sure. Am i still waiting for someone who could never come close to feeling for me what I feel for him? Or have I just become so numb that I lost faith in dudes altogether? When I figure it out, i'll let you know.

Recently, my ex and dear friend has offered to fly me out to Jasper to meet his daughter and spend some quality time with him. Hell, a few weeks ago he listed off the reasons why we should get married. He emails or calls me every day as of late, and tells me that he owes me so much for being there for him. That he would like to spoil me for awhile if I would let him. Maybe reflecting on our past relationship has halted me from moving forward in some way. I love him a great deal, even as my friend.. so it tends to tug at the heartstrings.

In other news, the side of my face that was paralyzed during my illness is on it's way to coming back. My smile resembles less of a pirate, and more of a Sheri. Its been 9 weeks to the day since I discovered the syndrome, and I have to say.. I never want to have to go through that again in my life. Thanks again to all of you who came to visit me and supported me through the worst of it.

Debating going to see the Goo Goo Dolls on New Years in Vegas. Being there with friends, it would blow my mind. The plane ticket prices are ridiculous, so I am going to sit on that decision for awhile...