Secret Life: The movie version of The Secret Life of Bees is coming out this week. if you don't have enough reasons to see this, check out this endearing article about the beekeepers involved with the filming:

Jacksonville Couple Treated like VIPs at the Premiere

Check out another great article about the producer, Gina Prince-Bythewood:

'Secret Life of Bees' brings issues of love, redemption and racism to the screen

I posted a response to this piece which pretty much sums up my thoughts on this picture:

Thank you Gina Prince-Bythewood for bringing this movie to the screen with an African American and adopted person's (transracial?) perspective. I must confess that I was not immediately taken by the book--probably because I was suspicious of the fact that it was written by a Caucasian woman--and it seemed a bit too "precious." Yet, when I discovered who was involved with bringing this story to the screen I began to be less skeptical. I'm now urging all of my friends and family to see this movie!

Flipping the stereotype of the white family "rescuing" children of color through adoption is a scenario that I've long hoped to be brought to the fore. As an adopted person myself, I now realize that my initial reaction to the book might have been an unconscious resistance to my own story--I was heard to remark, "Total strangers taking in a young girl and completely caring for her? Who does that? Please!!" Then I stopped, "Oh yeah, I guess that's adoption . . . !!" (c;

Just a book suggestion for interested parties, "Outsiders Within" is a fabulous compilation of pieces written for and by transracial adoptees. These are exciting times for those interested in racial identity issues (reference to the article which indicated that the movie was filmed in North Carolina about the time Barack Obama was campaigning there)!

So I decided to do it, which means I might actually do other things.

Add me on blogger!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW.

Hm... how to sum up this weekend?

I decided to distract myself from this spontaneous bout of depression as much as possible, and it was mostly successful.

On Friday I got in the most insane conversation on AIM ever. It was that guy T_____ from a while back who was trying to go out with me but because of his laziness, veganism, and annoying location we never actually could go out. On top of all this we had absolutely nothing in common. All he ever wanted to talk about was politics, which I hate, especially when it's as far off the map as his (I think he might be libertarian, I never understand wtf is going on with libertarians). He also seemed to think my thesis was silly (I mean, fair enough, but... aren't you trying to court me?) which... I don't know. I can't really ever hang out with someone who doesn't support my work or at least want to listen (with an open mind) to what my thoughts are about it when they ask. Basically, he was just completely irritating to me and I try to avoid him, but he STILL talks to me every damn time I sign onto AIM. And I have NO IDEA WHY.

I wish I could post the transcript, but I'll just summarize. Basically, immediately into the conversation we got into an argument about fuel efficient cars because I decided to comment that if I had money and was in the market for a car I'd buy a hybrid. Apparently my logic that they're better for the environment was faulty and under researched. Fair enough but I was ONLY TALKING to basically respond to the conversation which was already going nowhere. He told me that I was just another cynical member of the lost masses who didn't care and I was like, Dude. I'm not planning on buying a car. I have a car. It's fine. I was just making conversation. You didn't have to get mad at me. I couldn't even afford a new car right now if I wanted to anyway, I can't even pay my bills.

So then he's like, "WHAT BILLS?" WHO SAYS THAT?! WHAT BILLS. What the fuck do you mean, WHAT BILLS? Do you think that living in this city is free?

So I'm kind of taken aback by this whole thing, but I indulge him, not without expressing my distaste for his question. He asks why no job, and I say, because I can't get one in this shitty economy, and then he starts giving me this wise monk act that comes off as completely contrived and offends me even more. He says things like, "Will to the intent" and "Why don't you check out craigslist?" LOL LIKE CRAIGSLIST IS THE ANSWER I HAVEN'T BEEN CHECKING ON A DAILY BASIS FOR 4+ MONTHS.

So I laugh at him.

And he's like, HURT. He can't understand why I am so negative and why I would laugh at him when, and I quote, he is "giving me invaluable advice."

OKAY, PERFECT STRANGER. WISE SAGE. WHAT OTHER USELESS WISDOM DO YOU HAVE FOR ME?

So then he tries to pawn it off on me, like I'm the one who instigated this argument because I was being "aggressive" and "negative" and "miserable." I won't lie that I wasn't being all of those things, in fact, I'll just be honest and say that I was. But it was a Friday night. I'd had a bad week/night. I was depressed. I got online so I could find Joel, ended up talking to Nadia, and did not expect to be engaged by some political freak about why I was living my life wrong. This same dude criticized me for talking about recreational drug use on AIM (because someone might be listening) and believes that all people who practice christian religion of any sect are by association, unbalanced fundamentalist freaks. (Undoubtedly, the same thing with Republicans, and don't even get me into how Democrats are really just Republicans too and a two-party system is fascism and...) I'm not the one who is delusional here.

It was like, he didn't want to talk to me. He just wanted to bombard me with his political bullshit. Every time I talked back, he had a reason why I was wrong or why I didn't think. Or why I was just another TV brainwashed drone (who never watches TV and didn't even grow up with it?) I basically ended the conversation with a thanks but no thanks, you arrogant insane asshole. And he was like, but I'm just a loving a person and I love everybody, why don't you trust me? ...............

He must be incredibly lonely or something. I seriously don't understand why he chats with me because he mostly just pisses me off and/or bores me and I've made that fairly clear. I'm assuming now he won't talk to me again. Good. Finally. Jesus Christ. At least being a freak magnet is entertaining.

Basically after that, I realized that it would be stooping way too low to let some unbalanced internet suitor of mine bother me and was comforted by the fact that no, even though I am not doing so great right now, yes, I am very pessimistic and have a poor spirit, I am at least with this world. I've done a lot. I'm smart. I'm allowed to fuck up and screw around and not have it together right now. I just graduated four months ago and I didn't have something lined up. I just have to stop feeling bad about myself because of that. I worked hard. I'm not useless. I just need a break from trying to be the next great thing. I'd rather just work at the restaurant (if I get the job) and start assessing a set of new goals when I'm damn ready.

If I still ran my website, I would totally have made a page about this. It hasn't been until very recently that I realized how close thinking of stupid things to put on my website is to thinking of stories to pitch to a magazine. "Crazy people on the internet!" I've been thinking a lot about starting Soasis again. Maybe I should have a section where I write little blog-articles about the insane things that seem to happen only to me. What would I call it? I mean, it wouldn't always be bad things and crazy homeless people, it'd be the good stuff too. Like Joel (see next paragraph). ...I might actually have to do this. If I wake up in the morning and still think that this is exactly the thing to a) get me writing in a directed way again b) get me motivated about something for once then I'm totally on it. Would you guys read it? (I will assume the number of people who answer this question are also the number of people who made it this far / are reading closely enough to find it buried in this paragraph.)

...So the rest of the weekend. I talked to Ben on the phone (!!) and I hung out with Joel on Saturday, which was nice. I miss talking to Joel... and eating crepes. I feel like Joel and I have good conversations because not only is he willing to talk about just about anything in as much excessive analyzing detail as me (but in a hilariously different way), but we also fervently disagree about things to the point that we're almost yelling at each other and somehow neither of us actually gets offended. I should hang out with Joel more often. I wish I still lived with him so we could play online scrabble and yell at each other from across the hall. Sigh :(

We then went to see Rachel Getting Married, which was great. As advertised. It was such a Joel and me movie. Joel even took a postcard flyer.

Then I went and got drinks with Liz and Jess and Rich gave me a ride home and then stayed at my house again... he seriously needs to find a place to live asap, but I'm not blaming him.

Today I woke up late, as usual, thought about where PJ was in transit. He must be arriving soon since it is 4:30PM Korean time and he said he was getting in at 5PM and immediately going to the bar to get drunk with Mr. Olmedo. I met one of my professors for coffee and she made me feel better about my job stuff even though I'm a whiny btch. I like it without the 'i' ... And then after laying down and taking a series of stupid photos of myself on photobooth ... ( UNDER CUT ) ... I went to Neil's to play The Settler's of Catan and talk about martial arts shit. I feel a lot better about the upcoming week and just need to get my routine organized tomorrow. I know pretty well what I want to do, I just want to make sure I have it together so I'm not just rolling by on a whim. I need to get the right rhythm going. The game was really fun - I totally miss playing board games and stuff like that so maybe I'll join them more often. I was close to winning!

I came back here and lit some candles and took my first bath in ages. Years. Maybe a decade or more. I listened to "Gling Glo," I don't know why I consider that relaxation music. It reminds me of Kent and I've been listening to it more than usual lately. I can't believe it happened. All the misery and tears since just seem so much more plausible.

It's hard for me to remember how happy I was once and the incredible times I had when I still wasn't afraid to be completely my stupid self. I have a long list of ways I wish I were the way I used to be, but I'll spare you and just try to be more like my better half if I can. All creative and self motivated and fearless, blah... How did I become this at all?

There's one more thing I wanted to post...

Get together with a good friend and tell stories. Tell about the time you had your palm read in Albuquerque, how you sat zazen in a chicken coop in Arroyo Seco, New Mexico, how your mother eats cottage cheese and toast every morning.

When you tell friends stories you want them to listen, so you makes the stories colorful; you might exaggerate, even add a few brilliant white lies. And your friends don't care if it's all not precisely as it was ten years ago; it is now and they are entranced. A writing friend once said to me when I met him for lunch: "Tell me the best piece of gossip you heard in the last month. And if you don't know any, make it up." Gracey Paley, a New York short story writer, said, "It is the responsibility of writers to listen to gossip and pass it on. It is the way all storytellers learn about life."

It is good to talk. Do not be ashamed of it. Talk is the exercise ground for writing. It is a way we learn about communication -- what makes people interested, what makes them bored. I laugh with friends and say, "We are not gossiping cruelly. We are just trying to understand life." And it is true. We should learn to talk, not with judgment, greed, or envy, but with compassion, wonder and amazement.
        - From Writing Down The Bones by Natalie Goldberg

I keep coming back to that one. Maybe it's false justification as a way to absolve myself of past misunderstandings... but I never intended to hurt anyone all these years and I want so badly to let go of the guilt that I ever did anything wrong. I talk. I write. I'm not sorry.

attn: contest to enter to see FOB in Toronto for an unnamed early 2009 date: via subway

just pointed out to me, the offspring's new song: you're gonna go far kid bears a remarkable resemblance to panic's lying is the most fun, y/n? discuss?

I'm pretty sure I permanently ruined a drawing that I've been working on for months tonight. I'm going to have to digitize it or redraw it. It already had a lot of mistakes so if I were a better artist this wouldn't be a bad option, but I'm not good at recreating things. I'll see what I can do in the morning. Or maybe I'll just leave it as is. In the case of subject matter, the way it looks now almost makes sense.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so THIS is what they meant.


xposted to 416shenanigang 

In other news, yesterday I stopped in to follow up on a job application because the hostess told me I should try and talk to the manager to get the job. I waited for about forty-five minutes and nobody came and I had a place to be so I had to leave, so I Iet them know the story and left. They asked if someone should just call and I said that was fine, but then I said that I'd stop in today. I woke up late because I was up all night last night and I just have other things to do so I called to let them know I wouldn't be stopping in but I'm still interested in the position and if they were interested to call. I'm so worried that everything I do in terms of this job search thing is wrong that I'm afraid I'm being either too aggressive or not proactive enough IN SPITE of the fact that I have a definite 'in' at this place because I just attended the head chef's wedding and my sister referred me. I don't want to bug them again, especially because the weekend is beginning. Someone please reassure me that this sequence of events isn't a disaster waiting to happen. I really want this fucking job. And I've been expending way too much effort trying to get a part time job when I really should be focusing on the real thing.

I'm hoping to hear from them early next week, if I don't by Tuesday I guess I'll call them again. I'm worried also that my hours are going to be a conflict because they seem to have been a conflict at other places. There are only two days a week that I can't really work and they're in the middle of the week. Right now, it's because of another job, but after the next three weeks I can forfeit those days if necessary.

I'm just so discouraged. The fact that I can't even get a part time job, after months of searching, WITH REFERRALS by CURRENT EMPLOYEES, at places that are definitely HIRING right now, just makes me feel like I'll never be able to get a job in my field. I know I shouldn't take it personally or let it affect my self esteem but it's like -- I'm a smart, multi-faceted, highly capable person. I'm efficient once I learn the ropes... but even my friends from out of town are getting fucking job offers in Boston and I am clearly the most undesirable, unemployable person alive. I feel like the fact that my work background is really unorthodox is getting in my way, rather than being an asset. I have highly refined skills that other people don't have. Anyone can work at a book store. Why doesn't my resume communicate THIS PERSON CAN LEARN HOW TO DO THINGS? Like make coffee, when my prior experience was that I made sandwiches and sometimes lattes. Or work in retail when my prior experience is doing cash exchanges at fairs, which is much more complicated, in my opinion, than using a cash register. I know that all of this other stuff I do seems really weird and irrelevant, but it's more or less what I've fallen into. While all my friends worked part time in high school I taught piano two days a week for the same pay in two hours that they got a day. Without taxes.

Why not?

Except that it's getting me NOWHERE right now.

And my pay check from last week hasn't arrived yet because apparently it went to Brookline in spite of the fact that I wrote THIS address ON THE TIME CARD. Neither Joel or Jamie has notified me that I received mail at the old place and the last time I got something (a BILL) it was an afterthought that they even told me about it and then they threw it away. Wonderful.

Fuck me. I didn't want this to turn into a rant and now I'm in a bad mood. I'm going to watch the bunnies again. At least they are lovable and cute and fluffy.

I'm just worried.

I thought I'd catch a Project Runway rerun at 2AM tonight, because everything said it was going to be on, but I was totally thwarted by The Real Housewives of Atlanta. GAG. Not that Project Runway is world's better (this season sucks so much), but seriously! Way disappointed.

So here's my amusing story of the week about how I was mistaken for a boy twice yesterday by two different people in two completely bizarre and awkward contexts...


111111111111
PJ and I go to the school where I will be subbing his class to introduce me to the students/program people. All of the kids staying after school for clubs are meeting in the cafeteria and one of them who knows PJ from current or past Soo Bahk Do classes points at me and asks, "IS THAT YOUR SON?"

We both laugh.

"Well, is he?"

"No, that's Miss Carreira and SHE will be teaching your class next week."

2222222222222
After Soo Bahk Do class, I am wearing my bulky uniform still and head down to the women's bathroom to change. When I walk in there's a girl in there who clearly JUST walked in and is setting down her things. She looks at me, stops, then starts to ask, "Am I in the wrong...?" but thinks better of it. She then very awkwardly leaves the bathroom.


...Tim says its my men's shoes and androgynous dressing style. I think I dress plenty feminine, at least to be distinguishable, and the fact that Tim claims he could pull of wearing most of my clothes doesn't negate my point as much as he thinks it does. Girl's clothes are ugly, it's not my fault.

I'm bored of my music again. Someone give me suggestions. Preferably something happy or funky and please no two note indie music. I caught up with a classmate a few weeks ago and we were listening to electric Miles Davis and it was mind blowingly awesome. I have no idea what album it was, and I doubt said boy will ever talk to me again, but it makes me anxious to have money again so I can shop for vinyl. There are so many record stores in this town.

I gotta put time into drawing tomorrow.

I've been thinking about changing the name of this place. For no other reason than Soncy reminds me of Teo (haven't heard THAT name in awhile, huh?!). Well, and as much as I like the word and its definition, "Voice of Reason" and "Factotum Extraordinaire" sound just a bit more on point.

Why "Voice of Reason"? Because this woman in my office completely relies on me to be just that to her. It is hysterical. She'll come over to my desk once or twice a day and say the most ridiculous things (but completely serious) knowing that I am going to have something to say about it. It is like she wants me to talk her off the proverbial ledge. Yes, I am reasonable. And definitely pragmatic. Even-keeled, perhaps. But lord almighty, I am not her shrink :) Nor am I her nutritionist. Or her trainer. Or her stylist. But fuck if I am not her voice of reason.

"Factotum Extraordinaire" has been my joking title at work for some time now (it is actually typed up and taped onto my monitor). And just this week, I was given two more hats to wear. I may have mentioned that my work nemesis got canned a few weeks ago and how happy that made me (his g-d delegating ass can go bother someone else with his awful c0sby sweaters, old-man leather sneakers and inability to do anything by himself). Well, they aren't hiring someone in his place and instead are divvying up his job among a group of five. We five have been laughing since we found out that this won't change our job one bit because he had already passed on these duties long ago (hence his nickname, the Delegator).

Unfortunately, one of the jobs of his that I must take on is something that I had "out grown" at work. This was something that I was doing before my current position and responsibilities and hand handed over to him when I moved up. I am annoyed that I have to be dealing with this again. I am hoping that I will be able to leverage into a promotion and raise. We'll see.

I just finished decorating and now everything's in order excepting some odds and ends. I'm not sure if I like the wall collage as much this time as the last one. It feels a little over cluttered. Anyway, I just needed to cover these completely boring white walls.


Honeycomb blinds in my bay windows to muffle the street noise. It doesn't do much, but they look nice.

( My place / housewarming / move in / etc. photos )

panic, oh, i do love you.
can't wait can't wait. i really want to get in the pit for this, guys.
( (spoiler for rockbandlive) )

Hey there, kids.

I'm going to NYC from Oct 18th to the 21st. Thanks to my sister's non-boyfriend who paid for my airfare.

Will go to Hanson concert, as well.

See you there!

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