With regards to my orange post, this is to mention that I've done something about it. I've accidentally eaten it. It's over. It's done.

I have many things to say, but things are bouncing off in my brain faster than I can shelve it into various compartments of my brain. This goes to Declaration shelf, the other goes to Secret shelf, another one to Grievance shelf..... Mark Tan was right. "Self awareness is a good thing, self indulgence is another. Beating yourself up and enjoying it, forget it." But I can't do it. On Saturday and Sunday, I practically became an open book without a thought. As I became defenseless, I suddenly realised, my walls were not meant to protect me; to be locked in in my own world in case I go out and meet some monsters that will kill. But as I've found out on Sunday with my SG, it's to prevent people (who are not used to ugly) from seeing the ugly inside.

Today, out of the blue, I polished off a green orange at 5pm under 3 minutes. I think it was a Thai orange. It was green, small and juicy. The strange thing is, it has been sitting at my black desk for nearly 2 weeks. Jacqui passed it to me to eat but I just let it sit there for a long time. It's not that I don't want to eat it, it's just that I don't want to dirty my hands. Everyday, when I come in to work, I see it staring at me, sitting alone, at the corner of my black desk, shining brightly. I ignore it and eat everything else. Watermelons, papayas, raisins. Everything but that green orange. I was waiting for it to mould, to rot, to spoil before I have a reason to discard it. 2 weeks pass and there's nary a mark on that orange. Still perfect, still firm. But I wasn't sure if it was perfect inside. I take my little paper umbrella with a sharp end and poke it into the orange, hoping some strange odour would permeate my nose, giving me more reason to throw it away. None whatsoever. I take the orange and start to peel it, with no intention to eat, but to mutilate it before I have a legitimate reason to discard it. It takes me less than 30 seconds to peel off the skin of the green orange. It's dry. The juice doesn't dirty my hands. I throw the skin in the trash bin and I close the lid. The orange is intact and dry; very plump, very appealing. My nails dig into the flesh as I tear the orange in half; I wonder if it's still edible. I peel off a segment and I put it in my mouth. And it tasted wonderful.


It's just like that. I try to fit you in a corner of my life because you do the same to me and I won't have any of that desperate dependency. I fit you into a inconspicuous corner, where I think I can't see you. But you're there and I can see you perfectly, even though I try not to. You shine brightly and you're a colour against the black in my life. But when I finally try to pick up the guts to test if you're the shittiest person on Earth so that I can throw you away, you come back being the best, giving me no reason to cut you off. But being different from the orange, you're not going to end up in my stomach and make me happy, but we're just going to re-hash this pattern all over again.

June's list

01. As Tears Go By (旺角卡門), Wong Kar Wai (1988)
02. Days of Being Wild (阿飞正传), Wong Kar Wai (1991)
03. Happy Together (春光乍泄), Wong Kar Wai (1997)
04. Turn Left, Turn Right (向左走•向右走), Johnnie To (2003)
05. Perhaps Love (如果•愛), Peter Chan (2005)
06. Anna Magdalena (安娜瑪德蓮娜), Yee Chung Man (1998)
07. Zhou Yu’s Train (周渔的火车), Sun Zhou (2002)
08. Ju Dou (菊豆), Zhang Yimou (1990)
09. Raise the Red Lantern (大红灯笼高高挂), Zhang Yimou (1991)1
10. The Road Home (我的父亲母亲), Zhang Yimou (1999)
11. Clerks, Kevin Smith (1994)
12. Just My Luck, Donald Petrie (2006)
13. Marnie, Alfred Hitchcock (1964)
14. Rebecca, Alfred Hitchcock (1940)
15. Sex and the City, Michael Patrick King (2008)
16. Down with Love, Peyton Reed (2003)
17. Get Smart, Peter Segal (2008)
18. The Tracey Fragments, Bruce McDonald (2007)
19. An American Crime, Tommy O'Haver (2007)
20. Naissance des Pieuvres (Water Lilies), Céline Sciamma (2007)
21. Reservoir Dogs, Quentin Tarantino (1992)
22. Barbarella, Roger Vadim (1968)
23. The Incredible Hulk, Louis Leterrier (2008)
24. Frida, Julie Taymor (2002)
25. Havoc, Barbara Kopple (2005)
26. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Julian Schnabel (2008)
27. The Shining, Stanley Kubrick (1980)

Watermelon makes us.

For the past few years, I feel like I've been drifting in and out of moments of conciousness and time. There has been no real meaning in anything that I do. Maybe it's the constant battles in my home for time, attention and feelings and the wars out there, with myself and even with the ones that I love most that make me. What the hell do I remember about me when I hardly remember anything about myself? Then I wonder, shit, what the hell do the people who probably know me better than I do remember about me.

Frida is one of those films that I've put off watching because one would have needed interest in Frida Kahlo or a huge interest in the cast and I didn't think I had much of either. I didn't think I could handle 122 minutes of Salma Hayek as Frida Kahlo. I mean... Salma Hayek? Sure, she looked like Frida Kahlo, but could she ... act? Salma Hayek.. Wild Wild West? But she's proved me wrong. I wanted to merely do a quality check, but the first 30 seconds turned into 60 minutes then 122 at 4 am. Sure, they switch between an American accent and Mexican accent at times, and Rush's Russian accent sounds like a Mexican accent, but who cares right? Inevitably, I compared this film to 'La vie en Rose': both artistes with tragic lives and deaths too early. Every song, every painting, to tell a facet of life. But I think 'Frida' has made up for the darkness in Kahlo's life with colourful set and costumes, a great score and wonderful pacing. I literally cannot wait for my library job to begin, because it will be time to finish up (shhh) the rest of the Kahlo and Rivera books that I have not finished.

"What if you slept? And what if, in your sleep, you dreamed? And what if, in your dream, you went to heaven and there plucked a strange and beautiful flower? And what if, when you awoke, you had the flower in your hand? Ah, what then?"

-Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Ah what then? I must have been, in the words of NPH, "trippin' balls" man. Oh Coleridge you crazy crazy guy. I love you and your hallucination-induced work. Speaking of tripping, I watched Barbarella. That movie, I bet, would have been 10 times better if I was high from lack of sleep or whatever. It might have been the most ridiculous thing I've watched, but it has been the most awesome experience. The set, the costumes, the dialogue, everything was such fun. I know it's sort of anti-feminist, but no one said movies had to be politically correct. Jane Fonda is such a goddess; she must have gotten all that hotness from Henry Fonda. I sort of want to name something after Barbarella, but I think naming my daughter Barbarella would be too stripper-esque, so maybe I think I'll name my future female cat Barbarella. And if it's a male cat, I'm naming it Pygar. There. I've got it all settled. I don't think I've ever been that sure of anything ever.



My sleep has been peppered with a lot of dreams and abrupt moments of me waking up. After camp, I slept 14.5 hours straight from 3pm to 530am. I woke up to pee and while I was sitting up, I distinctly remembered asking myself, "why can't I pee next to my bed? Don't I have a toilet there? Forget it, I'll pee at the toilet since I don't want my room smelling of pee." Now, I don't actually have a toilet next to my bed. And thank God I don't because really, if I hadn't told myself that I didn't want my room smelling like pee, I probably would have peed next to my bed or something. I also find myself waking up very abruptly a few hours after I attempt to sleep. I try to sleep before 3 now, and I find myself sitting up at 5 in the morning. I can't sleep at night and I can't sleep in the morning. Shit, I want to hold a beautiful flower in my dreams too. I'm starting my library work on 1st July. It's going to be less than 5 weeks to school. On one hand, I want to make this semester work. I want to work harder, especially if my modules are going to be interesting. But on the other hand, I'm afraid I will be caught up doing other things. I'm hoping for change in my life, but I think I've got to make that change happen myself.

I need to let go. I really do. If I carry on in this state of mind, I'm going to go crazy and sink deeper into a myriad of feelings that will drag a whole lot of people down with me. Either that, or I let go of people and sink in myself.