Red Letter Year

Thu, 08 May 2008 16:53:51 GMT

I just saw Ani in Spokane a few weeks ago but alas she's coming to my town in July...just spent money that I don't have but hey, it's Ani.

There are just a few things that bother me, or at least make me think these days. I'll share them with you if you'd like:

-I hate Adam Sandler but The Wedding Singer is one of my favorite movies (I also hate romantic comedies...)
-I saw Juno last night, pretty good--but the adoptive couple in that movie was set to live in St. Cloud--my old hometown--and let me tell you there are no lofts in downtown St. Cloud.
-My co-worker had her baby on Tuesday...and I think I'm the only one who really doesn't care.
-I've been so tired lately...very worn out. Which is strange because I'm really not doing anything lately.
-I don't understand women who have one really bad hairstyle that doesn't fit them--and they wear it every day! Come on!
-The chick on CNN Headline news keeps calling Myanmar "MEE-enmar." It's BURMA! Even NPR is still calling it Burma. I wore my Free Burma shirt today in protest of the military junta...
-Everyone is all stoked that Cubans are finally being allowed to by cell phones...but part of me is thinking that maybe they'd be better off with out them--we'd all be better off.

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 16:14:05 GMT

Okay, I know I hardly post here anymore, but I've had a batshit crazy time these past few weeks.

Ani Difranco concert in Spokane on the 19th kicked my ass in a good way. I love that crazy bitch!

Reece got deployed on Monday for his first tour of service--he's on an aircraft carrier in the pacific ocean. I miss him but I'm still torn--he willingly signed up to do something I know is so wrong so I can't support him to the extent that is expected of me, but I still care about him. My room mate is an army brat so I don't think she'd understand.

I took a scientology quiz online just now and was disturbed that I got 80% right...then again I picked the most ridiculous answers. I can't believe people actually believe that stuff. At least Mormonism seems a bit more plausible. Take the quiz yourself. http://www.skrause.org/humor/scientologyquiz.shtml

Anyways, uh, yeah.

And now I won't update this thing for another six months. Enjoy!

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 19:32:44 GMT

Hey yall

I've noticed a lot of people friended me lately and I'm just going to say thanks, and that please don't be offended if I don't friend you back because I almost never post on here anymore. I'm not trying to be rude, just letting you guys know what's going on. Thanks!

If you're looking for my Ani posts--see [Bad username: righteous_babes If you want my Mythbusters slash fic, see mythbusterslash]

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 20:34:22 GMT

I almost never post on here anymore, but I made a comment on some online blog somewhere today and I wanted to share it with you.

In America we have this gag order we place on each other. We don’t talk about the war, we don’t dialogue, we just put tape on each other’s mouths—support the troops. How can I support someone who willingly signs up and carries out what I know in my heart, in my gut, to be so wrong and evil? I don’t wish harm on anyone, of course, and I know these kids are coming home broken in every way which is something I can’t condone either, but to just quietly wave the flag because I’m a citizen? I can’t do that either. Supporting the troops silences the dialogue that we so desperately need now. I won’t put that tape on my mouth or anyone else’s.

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 17:48:59 GMT

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 16:56:58 GMT

New Year's Resolutions 2008

1. wear more hats
2. keep my office clean
3. shift my graduate work focus to rhetorical analysis/film studies
4. take a welding class this summer
5. learn as much about special effects/model building as possible (maybe i'm watching too much mythbusters, but damn vfx looks like the coolest job ever)
6. don't forget to have a good time

That is all!

Saw Blade Part 5

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 18:07:40 GMT

Title: Saw Blade Part 5
Rating: R, very strong violence and sex!
Slash: Adam/Jamie, Jamie/Kari
*warning--this gets really dark, with some attempted rape and some serious violence. If you are sensitive to this, please don't read*

Synopsis: Jamie realizes he still loves Adam, despite everything. He goes to visit Kari and take out his rage on what she has done. Julie reveals her bad intentions.

“Adam, you had surgery. We took out some of your intestine and had to sew up a hole in your diaphragm. You need to be very still, okay? No laughing!” The charismatic doctor made notes on his chart. “Your friend Jamie is here to see you.” The nurse carefully levitated Adam’s bed so he could partially sit up. When Jamie looked him in the eyes he started to cry. Suddenly the events of the last two days melted away and his love for Adam became the only constant. We approached Adam and held his hand.

“You need to stay really still, babe.” Jamie put his other hand on his forehead in a nurturing gesture. “If you laugh it’s gonna hurt.”

“Jamie,” Adam whispered, “how did they let you in here?”

“Well, in the waiting room when you were wheeled in I kinda freaked out and told everybody.” Up until now he hadn’t thought of how Adam would respond to being outted.

“Why in the hell would you do that?” Adam started to gain some more volume after each sip of water.

“I screamed at the nurse that I loved you and I had to go in there with you. You were dying, Adam, how the hell do you expect me to respond? Anyway, everybody but Julie seems pretty cool with it. I don’t think she told your mother yet.”

“Julie knows? Fuck, Jamie. I feel horrible enough that she hates me.” Adam motioned for his glasses, which Jamie gave him. Now he started to look more like himself. He took another sip of water. “I am starving—can I get some food up in here?” He cracked a smile. “Where is everybody?”

“They are all out in the waiting room, Tory, Grant, Scottie, Christine, even Sara came all the way from Russia.”

“Wait, where’s Kari—and who is Sara?” Adam had that classic look of confusion on his face. The nurse came back in and gave him a shot in his IV. “What now?”

“Insulin. You haven’t been eating for a few days Mr. Savage and with your mild diabetes we don’t want you going into shock. I gave you half a dose, since I’m sure you’re going to want to eat something now.” She smiled, handed Adam a plastic menu and left.

“Wait, a few days? How long was I out? Who the fuck is Sara? Where’s Kari?” Jamie couldn’t imagine going through something that physically traumatic. Poor Adam.

“Yea, they sedated you for nearly three days to let your diaphragm heal up a bit. The saw blade ripped right through you—you remember the accident right?” Adam nodded yes.

“Sara is my daughter.”

“You’re daughter?”

“Don’t feel bad, I didn’t tell anybody about her. She grew up in Russia with her mother’s family. She’s in the waiting room and wants to see you.”

“Okay, then where the hell is Kari? I want to talk to her.” Adam perused the plastic menu. “Do you suppose anything on this menu is really food?”

Jamie had nearly forgotten that Adam slept with Kari. He was so happy to see the man he loved awake and talking that he pushed that little plot of his life out of his head. He knew he had to tell Adam that Kari told him what happened, but does he tell him now? Does he wait until later?

“Kari went home to get some sleep. The other night she stayed the night with me in the waiting room. Do you want to see the others?” Jamie decided to wait until Adam was better before he told him, but he could feel his anger rise and he had to get out of there.

“Yes I would.” Adam smiled up at Jamie and it nearly melted his heart.

“Okay, I’m going to let them in and then go get Kari.” Jamie squeezed Adam’s hand before leaving the room. He went to the waiting room and told everyone they could go see him and then he left, on his way to Kari’s apartment. During the drive his anger built and built, he could feel himself tense up and had this intense yearning to hit someone. He got to her place and knocked on the front door. A sleepy-eyed Kari answered; she was wearing boxer shorts and a really small tank top. He needed a release.

“Jamie, what are you doing here?” Kari yawned.

Without thinking he grabbed her neck with both hands and pushed her into her living room. He slammed her down on the floor and straddled her, pinning her wrists down above her head. She began kicking at the air and trying to free herself from underneath him. He lowered his face down next to hers; he could smell her skin, her sweat and tears. Jamie was watching this like TV, as if he was floating above himself, powerless to stop the monster hurting her.

“What are you doing? Does this make you feel better, Jamie?” She stopped struggling and looked him in the face, tears streaming down the sides of her head and pooling in her ears. “Does hurting me make it better?”

Jamie responds by ripping her tank top all the way down the front, exposing her breasts. Humiliation. That’s what would make him feel better. His floating self kept screaming for him to stop but he couldn’t, he couldn’t stop. He began to unbutton his pants and Kari kept struggling, at one point freeing a hand and hit Jamie in the face, knocking off his glasses, but he wouldn’t stop. He ripped off most of her boxer shorts—just to scare her. This wasn’t about the sex, he found her disgusting. It was about power and getting his back. He bent over and began biting her neck—just hard enough to leave marks. He kissed her very hard on her mouth. She took the opportunity to try to bite him.

“You fucking whore.” Jamie slapped her, hard, across the face. He leapt off of her, pulling up his pants and sitting on the couch. He floated back into his body and started to panic—what did he do—what did he want to do? Kari curled up into a ball on the floor and wept.

“Do you FEEL BETTER NOW JAMIE? DO YOU?” she screamed, not looking him in the face. The truth was he did—part of him did. He dominated her, the woman who fucked his life over so well. “Does hurting me make it go away?” She sat up and looked him in the eye. He was mostly naked and he could see his teeth marks and her cut lip. The scary thing was that it aroused him. The pair sat in silence for several more minutes before she spoke again.

“I won’t tell,” She got up and got a glass of water from her tiny kitchenette, less than ten feet away from Jamie, “I hate myself enough as it is, I fucking deserve it.” After drinking she threw the glass at him. He flinched but otherwise didn’t move. He felt his clothes getting wet and saw blood trickling from his arm. “Now get the hell out of here. OUT.” He practically ran out of her apartment and into his car. He sat behind the wheel and assessed the injury to his right forearm—a small cut, nothing major. All he wanted to do was die, crawl into a hole and flee from everything that he did, everything that had been done to him.

When he arrived back at his apartment, he grabbed a bottle of Stoli and a glass of ice—heh, Stoli, that’s what his daughter was conceived with. He poured, sat in front of the blank TV and drank. He thought, he was going to have to confront Adam. Hell, he probably wasn’t going to renew for a next season. He’d fire Kari, that little bitch. Sara would realize what as asshole he was and either move in with Mike or retreat back to Russia. After about half the bottle his cell phone rang—it was Julie.

“Jamie? I heard he woke up.” She sounded cold.

“Yes, he did. I’m sure he wants to see the boys.” He thought about trying to cover up his slurring, but he didn’t care enough to put effort into it.

“That’s going to be a problem. I signed the divorce papers this morning and I talked to my lawyer. I’m going for full custody-supervised visits only.”

“What the fuck Julie?” He took another swig.

“He’s dangerous, always playing with things that can blow up or hurt someone. I don’t trust him around the boys. He almost killed himself for crying out loud. Look, I wanted to tell you in case he asked to see them. My lawyer is preparing the paperwork and I should be filing tomorrow.” She slammed the phone down in his ear. How could she be so cruel? What happened between Adam and her had nothing to do with the boys, he loved those boys.

Why the fuck did Jamie care about Adam’s problems anymore?

Thu, 08 Nov 2007 17:45:55 GMT

Dennis Kucinich is my homeboy T-shirts

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 18:32:35 GMT

I'm watching this writer's strike stuff all over the media and Tina Fey is getting top billing--it's her picture they are posting everywhere and it pisses me off.

She's not funny.

She almost killed SNL.

Just an angering observation.

I'm glad she's temporarily not ruining our airwaves.

Yuck.

Fri, 26 Oct 2007 15:45:40 GMT

Long time no post!

Whew...well what's up with me?

-Hillary blows monkey chunks out of her flip-flopping non-commital vag
-Obama is a joke
-My kitten, whom I renamed Mythbuster because Hamell on Trial just didn't work for a girl kitty, is amazing. Proof positive you can tame a feral cat.
-Allergies can pee in my butt
-I can't stop playing Rob Zombie's new live CD (yes, Rob Zombie. When your Dad raises you on Zombie, Manson and Sabbath while your mother introduces you to Joan Baez, Iron and Wine and Ani, that happens--my iPod is Crazzzy)
-I bought these cute shoes that are comfortable except for the backs giving me blisters on my heels...
-I have red shoulder length hair (think Ani circa right now) and can't decide if I want to cut it super short and go back to purple
http://www.picsearch.com/info.cgi?q=ani%20difranco&id=e5SCzKLdp6HXVasqS9KRvhMvPyE6qYsgTte5KNeZcy8&start=941
Or just deal with it as it is. I am impatient
-My job is boring these days
-grad school is gonna suck, getting ready for it is worse
-i don't want to take the gre
-everyone around me is having kids or adopting (go Michael!) or has youngin's, and for the first time in my life I think having my own crotch dropping is a good idea...
-i am exhausted. i don't know what's going on but i can't get enough sleep and i'm constantly tired
-i heart my new icon (see the spinner video!)
-i saw dane cook was on tv last night--doesn't anyone realize what a douche he is?
-now that i know i'm staying in this state for a good four more years, i should get around to dating again.
-my roomate is still jobless and i worry about her, even though she is fully capable of taking care of herself
-nobody has bought tickets to our event yet, and that makes me nervous

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 17:03:18 GMT

I really want to start a new journal, because I feel like things are new for me in the past few months, so instead of starting a new one, I'm going to lock all my old entries, change up the style, my icons, everything--this way I get to keep my journal name and friends list.

Look forward to it!

Putzing around at work...

Tue, 29 May 2007 16:24:15 GMT

Some great parodies here...

Mon, 21 May 2007 15:34:38 GMT

I just bought a ticket to see POTC 3 on Friday at 10am (yes, I'm skipping three hours of work...but I'll make it up!)

I'm a dork, considering I also bought tickets to see it on Friday night and Saturday morning with two seperate groups of friends....

Bears, beets, Battlestar Gallactica

Tue, 15 May 2007 18:17:17 GMT

perhaps the funniest thing i've ever seen!

The first minute is the best part

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 17:34:37 GMT

Brilliant!

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 20:34:43 GMT

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 15:46:38 GMT

I've always wondered what it would be like to stalk someone. Sick, yes I know, but still I think about it. What is more human than thinking about sick things?

I had a dream last night that I shaved my head, which was sad because I'm having fun with the whole purple hair bit.

There is a banner on my page as I type for another stupid movie with a bunch of blonde bimbos going through some sort of trial or life lesson bullshit while covered in makeup and driving the nicests of new cars.

I'm a bit dis-enchanted with things as of late, can you tell?

My father is so bull-headed---if he wasn't my father I would most likely admire this trait in him.

I was trying to explain the concept of framing to him yesterday over the phone---see, I recommended he read Whose Freedom? by George Lakoff recently and he said he did....but he didn't.

I can't have conversations with that man about anything other than the humorous or mundane.

But then again, he's a comic (and an art teacher) so I can only expect so much.

My parents are saints, they paid my cell phone bill for me. Fuckin' L, those Verizon fuckers cut me off because I owed them 22 dollars, and then they charged me 15 to turn it back on....

We spent the rest of the call hammering out a new bit about the Dr. Suess-asutra. You know, the fox is IN the box, the lorax love position, thing 1 and thing 2 do whovilles to you.....it sounds much funnier than it looks in written form I tell you.

32 Lives

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 19:20:10 GMT

I'm sick of the media's coverage of Virginia Tech.

I hate the distortions, I hate how the media is causing people to "give a damn" and I really hate how Bush went to the school and gave his condolences to the innocent victims...

when he is directly responsible for the murder of millions (yep, it's got that high) innocent people throughout the world in the last 6 years.

I guess when the murders occur on US soil they are worth more. I don't see this much coverage when someone overseas dies or is murdered.

Just trying to put things in perspective people.

32 Lives
(I wrote this last night, it's going in my book!)

i picked a fine time
to turn on my t.v.
watching a college boy
on his misguided spree
cnn, fox and abc
tell the nation to fall to it's knees
commercially interrupted cries
of the sanitized "oh say can you see?"

warm tears roll down
selected priviledged white faces
while jackson and sharpton
await rainbow coalition debates about races
32 lives
are turned into sob story cases
as the value of an american life
is a story my t.v. chases

while hundreds of thousands are
killed in iraq (pronounce it correctly people)
but government sanctioned murder
gets easily forgot when the media moguls convince us
that we care not if non-white
christian innocents are slaughtered and shot

they say our cell phones
are causing bumble bees to die
yet according to our science
they shouldn't even be able to fly
if they can't explain nature
they give up and sing "we tried"
turn attentions to writing fiction books
about holy "men" in the sky

am i the only american left that
is proud to be here?
to get the priveledge to pay taxes
and not equate freedom
with guns and beer?
is more than happy to get involved
when impending doom whispers in my ear?
that equates bringing back the wolves
as the alternative to gunning down deer?

now my t.v. speaks lies and half hearted truths
in my room, in the dark
while jay leno quipps
about some stupid new theme park
it becomes increasingly clear to me
that they all missed the makr
that they've become a sitcom
that long ago jumped the shark

32 lives converted to currency
that's worth more on US land
and how dare we be subjected to condolences
from the chief man in command
who has killed so many innocents
with his very own hands

no, wait
those are 18 year old kids
who were conned into thinking
they were giving freedom
room to stand

Lasting Power of Intent

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 19:12:27 GMT

I was talking on the phone last night to my friend Dennis--this great man I met a few years ago while I was in college. He was talking about a concept, well, more an idea or observation, that he has been obsessed with for a few weeks now. I guess he thought it was like the tape in the The Ring, if he tells me, his burden is lifted.

He tells about how there is a certain beauty in simplicity, in how one note, one word, one action can yield so many results. This, I told him, wasn't exactly news to me--we've been told for years that we need to get back to basics and to free our lives from clutter and complexity. Dennis goes one step farther--saying that it is the intention and purpose behind the simple act that is truly astounding.

Not quite sure what he means, I ask him to clarify. "You play guitar, don't you? Well, that one intentional act of hitting a string results in a simple, singular note. But unless you react, that note continues for some time--and even when it because inaudible, the string still vibrates, right? There you go...now it's not the chaos theory, that crap about a butterfly flapping it's wings in Mexico and a guy in Europe gets a blow job, no. It's about the lasting power of intent."

Okay, so that was as close to verbatim as I could remember, but it's the last sentence that struck me: the lasting power of intent. Does that mean if I mean to do something, as opposed to an accident, that it lasts longer and has more meaning and power? If I were to accidentally set off a nuclear bomb, does that mean less than if I did it on purpose? Does the outcome change? No, the bomb still goes off. Does how the act is viewed change? Perhaps. Does my guilt change? I'm not so sure. One could argue that if I set of the bomb on accident, that it wasn't my fault and I would not be to blame. One could even say that the act itself takes on a different meaning, a tragic meaning, since it was not intended.

And what if it was? Does that mean I am suddenly to blame? I'm not sure---I mean, wouldn't people be ready to blame my religion (or lack thereof?)? How about the current governmental system, or my parents for not seeing the warning signs?

I think Dennis' concept of intent and simplicity struck me, sure. Otherwise I wouldn't have written about it. However, I don't know if we can sit and mull over intent when nothing is being done in the first place.

Puffy-eyed and Dragging through the Mud in my mind...

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 19:48:33 GMT

Between the drama going on back at my apartment and the drama going on at work--both of which I cannot escape--it seems as though I've finally hit some sort of rock bottom. I haven't been sleeping much these days, it's been tough. I'm too angry to sleep--too upset at my lack of anything resembling healthiness and balance.

I'm going to tackle some of this work drama today at the all-staff meeting, and whatever isn't resolved gets left behind. I'm going to talk to Jeanne about this--it's not healthy for any of us.

At home I have no privacy, I practically get driven out of my room by my roomate's stepdaughter who doesn't even live with us. If things don't start changing, I'm going to have to find someone to finish out my lease. I'm going to talk to the roomie and the daughter in the coming days. I can't deal with this anymore. It's uncomfortable to listen to teenagers having loud sex multiple times a day, telling me about it, taking over my room and practically living with us---trashing the place and I'm done with it. I'm going to have to put my foot down and stand up for myself instead of letting people walk all over me so I can please them and they will like me. I know what I have to do, and I'm afraid of being percieved as a bully---but my health and well being is suffering and I can't live like this.

It's the same at work: I do everything asked of me because I'm afraid of two things: a) no body else will do it and it needs to be done--which happens all the time and b) I feel this need to prove myself and receive external validation.

I do get to see Erin McKeown in concert tonight--but my roomie is sick and canceled out on me. Which, I hope she gets better---but it also sucks. I feel like such a loser going to a concert alone.

That's how I've felt these last few months: alone. I mean, I talk about balance and levity on my other blog http://actdammit.blogspot.com but my personal sphere is severely out of wack. I'm lonely and tired and scared of having no one to bounce things off of, no one I can call up or see in person.

I'm scared because I feel this need to bring balance into the community sphere of my life, but I have no place in this community. I don't know what to do.

Levity and a Fundamental Lack of Balance

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 19:03:17 GMT

I was watching the Today show as I was getting ready for work today, a habit of mine that is hard to break since I don't have cable and CNN---so I watch cheesy "faux news" to get my headlines before I reach my computer and get on Democracy Now. I saw that Congress is considering stepping into the Airline industry after the Jet Blue fiasco on the 14th. Jet's Blue's CEO has already instituted a company "Bill of Rights" for it's passengers--and retroactively applying it to those from the 14th. However, the Congress wants to create a legal one spanning the entire industry--basically making a Bill of Rights legal.

My concern, and question, is this: Doesn't the Congress have anything better to do?

We are in an illegal war, the citizens of this country are without health care, food, or shelter. Tax paying citzens are being denied equal rights, and yet our Congress is focused on creating a set of laws protecting those who "have" (ie people who can afford to fly) so they may continue to "have" with as little discomfort as possible.

It's amazing what class structures are doing to this Country. This, as Ani Difranco once put it, fundamental lack of balance, tears resources and potential institutional support away from where it is actually needed the most and puts it in the arms of those who can afford to pay someone to care.

I see this played out in the recent Celebrity events of the weekend--namely Britney Spears. Whatever her real issues may be (most likely not what the media makes them out to be), I see how we devote so much time and energy on the "haves" in our society--suddenly Britney Spears shaves her head and gets more tattoos (BTW, I think she's hot with the buzzcut) and we are concerned---actually, the media tells us we should be concerned. And we are not making it any better by condeming her, telling her she needs help when we don't know her or what's actually going on in her life, but she "has" so to speak, so we care. Meanwhile, the "have nots" are in need of our help and support--this is no secret. We know that people who are staying in a shelter are homeless, we know that people at the food shelf need help to feed themselves and thier families---and yet we don't notice--we don't ACT.

So many of us are content to vote every two years and call that citizenry. As if we are completely responsible citzens by marking a piece of paper. And while I think voting is a key part of being a responsible citizen--nigh--human being---there is so much more to democracy that this.

That's what it is, a lack of balance. As my friend Jon said, we are being pulled ragged by gravity (home, work, racism, classism, all the "isms") and what we need to find is levity---a balance for ourselves in this world. And I highly doubt that will happen if we sit still.

Fellow Workers

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 17:59:35 GMT

I sent in a concerned (albeit academic) letter to the Snickers people about their homophobic Superbowl ad--and good news, they pulled it from any further circulation. That's my tiny triumph for today.

I've been reading a book called The Road to Hell about the San Quentin massacre and the Soledad Brothers case--basically the story of George Jackson and Stephen Bingham. While I couldn't give you a summary that does justice, I find myself frightened, literally, at what we are doing---or yet not doing---in today's politically charged climate. I've been thinking about all these things and wishing--praying--that I could travel back to those times where being American meant action.

What I'm about to say may be what opens up a manila file in the FBI or CIA headquarters with my name on it (but damn that would be cool). Not that I think that highly of myself, but because I think that lowly of our current government.

In the late 60's, J. Edgar Hoover declared the Black Panthers the top threat to National Security--because they were teaching black school children Black Pride songs, such as "Black is Beautiful." They were giving black kids rides to school so these children wouldn't be bullied or worse on public and school buses. They gave poor children free breakfast (and are not given enough credit for being the inspiration behind such programs as Head Start and public schools serving breakfast to students).

The Black Panthers began to see non-violence as a death sentence, a suicide mission. Protesting at sit-ins and marches were indeed powerful, but what could you do if you held up your hands while being shot by the police? If you were suspected of being a member of the BPP, the police would raid your home in the middle of the night (unless you were lucky enough to have one of the few white law students living with you to protect your and serve witness). FBI would shoot up offices in the wee hours of the morning--cut off water and electricity. Courts would arrest you for shoplifting and sentence you to ten years in jail--where you might kill another inmate in self defense. The system, in it's fear and ignorance, actually caused an otherwise innocent human to commit murder--a murder that would not have happened if they had been sentences disproportionate to their crime. Society has imposed on us a system that hurts everyone, fosters poverty, hatred and fear, and will ultimately become the downfall of the human race. Would you expect anything less than to arm yourselves to the teeth?

We are all too ready to go through our lives buying our unregulated bottled water, watching television with a glazed eye, and to think that our civic duty amounts to stating our uneducated opinions (or worse--network news educated) and maybe getting off our asses to vote (but only if we were in the neighborhood and there isn't a line). In the sixties and seventies, even the eighties---people took a stance. They found what they were passionate about and they devoted their lives to creating a community, nation, and world they wanted. People quit school, quit jobs, sold their homes, cut themselves off from friends and family, put themselves in harms way--all for OUR benefit.

I find myself sympathetic to suicide bombers in Iraq and other regions of the middle east---nigh the world. I admire their passion to dedicate themselves so deeply to a cause--something the American public has forgotten how to do. I find myself admiring Cindy Sheehan for her efforts to actually do something---to act, to be heard, and to get others to join the fight. I find myself crying because we need this dedication--this passion--now more than ever and it is nowhere to be found.

I am considering leaving Montana after my two years of service in the Americorps and going to New York, or DC, or wherever passion takes me. I want to see mass demonstrations, sit-ins, I plead for radical activism and groups to crawl out of the woodwork. I want to see pictures of that beautiful black panther logo grace telephone poles and grocery store bulletin boards. I want to see action, passion. I want to be a part of change---of the revolution that was talked about forty years ago, but never came.

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 19:07:03 GMT

Another little poem

It's Not You's, It's Me's

It's what you find
it's what you don't find
just never bother to give yourself the time
you're as lost as you want to be
a map made of "it's not you's, it's me's"
your eyes are as big as dinner plates
seeing everything but your current state
and you sigh with each breath
as if one little girl could possibly
delay death
sudden bus stops draw jagged lines on the page
pulp flattened and dried
never to be the same

Sick of Me

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 17:44:36 GMT

I have walking pneumonia--well I've had it for months now I guess. It sucks. I hate being sick, trying to get stuff done. I did get to watch The Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers this weekend, and I'll watch Return of the King when I get home from work. Also the whole first season of Queer as Folk has made my playlist. I did manage to go to the library and get some books, but my head is pounding so much it's hard to read.

I hope I feel better in time for the Erin Mckeown concert--she's so fun to watch live! I wonder if Todd Sickafoose is her touring bassists right now, he did record her last album with her. I am skipping a staff meeting so that I can get good seats at the show---I'm so dedicated. I am a concert nazi--If I don't get near-front row or front row seats I get pissed and have even been known not to go. I'm spoiled thought, the last 2 Ani shows I went to I was front row (I drove 14 hours just because I bought a front row ticket) and second row (which was insanely close). I did go to the Mitche Hedburg tribute without sitting front row, but it was still a great view and Dave Attell came over to our tabel at the restaurant before the show...he's really short...

I'm going home and am going to make my roomate's birthday gift. She hasn't mentioned her birthday (Thursday) yet, but she was so kind to me on mine that I have to give her something. I'm going to make her a necklace...I am taking a trip to the bead store today to find just the right stuff for it. I hope she doesn't get offended or anything.

She was in a bad mood this weekend and told Kat that she was kicking everyone out of the house so she could be alone. Since I had no place else to go I just stayed in my room--I was sick anyways. I think she just didn't want loud, destructive Kat and Reece around all weekend---I'm starting to get really sick of those two. I love Kat to death but she is so loud and they trash the apartment every time they are over...pisses me off. But alas I can't really say anything other than to shut up. Could be worse...

I'm off to find some beads, pizza and a bed. Talk to you folks later!

Last year, This year

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 19:46:47 GMT

Here's 2006: A Year in Review!

1. I got 2nd place in POI at State--and a man sandwich!
2. I had fun at AFA, even though I got hosed.
3. I graduated from college.
4. I moved out to Montana.
5. I was homeless for 2 weeks.
6. I finally found an apartment and am living away from my parents.
7. I got my first roomate.
8. I got an amazing Americorp job.
9. I co-organized an extremely successful event.
10. I became a development associate and database coordinator (I like fancy titles).
11. I GOT MY OWN OFFICE!
12. I learned how to take care of myself in so many different ways.
13. I am on track for grad school, or possibly getting a permanent job.

Tis a new year, and here is what I want to do:

1. Ring in the New Year with friends out in a bar or at a party. DONE
After they picked me up at the airport, Emily and John took me to the Union Club. This is the first year I didn't have to work the next day so I finally got to go out and party!

2. Start dating again---and not make a fool out of myself in front of people I like.
Well, I kinda screwed up with X, but he's super cute so I'll keep trying...

3. Start recording my record.
Spoken word/musical poetry and a few folk tunes in between. If I had my computer and microphone it would be a lot nicer, but for now I gotta get these songs on tape at least.

4. Get more gigs!
Try to get out playing in public more than just a few select open mics at the University.

5. Create a space around me and people around me that are helpful and not harmful to becoming who I want to be.
Sometimes I feel like I'm clinging too much to the past and people back home. I need to create a support base here. Don't get me wrong, I love my best friend and she supports me all the way, but I need people around me with more common interests. She's settling down and planning a future family, and I'm ready to see the world!

6. Arrange to stay in Montana for another year--AT LEAST!
I hate Minnesota, I hate St. Cloud. Nuff said.

7. Get skinny.
Yea right.

8. Eat more tofu and organic foods.
Easy, I live in Missoula!

9. Keeping up more on political issues in the world.
I want to be ready to go when the election starts getting underway.

10. Sell more of my scarfs and cuffs and start making some money!
Yeppers, I need some cash and I make some mean things!

11. Seriously look into a teaching position in New Zealand.
With my family connections, I could get a job teaching "high school" speech in New Zealand.

That's good. I think I can handle ten resolutions.