Title: Murder at The Profiler 1/?
Author: _nextboldmove_
Rating: FRAO for language, talk about sexuality
Pairing: Rossi/Reid, Hotch/Prentiss, and more along the way
Warnings: Spoilers for all eps, but out of context. CHARACTER DEATH
Beta: None. Ah well. All mistakes are mine.

ConCrit:  Better than watching Reid suck on a lollipop (and that was pretty darned good)

Summary: David Rossi, his partner Spencer Reid, and their friend Aaron Hotchner own The Profiler, a drag club in Washington DC. When someone is murdered at the club, the FBI comes to investigate. But will ‘The Profiler’s’ get to the bottom of the mystery before the FBI does?

Take our intrepid profilers and several other characters and put them in a gay drag night club. The Birdcage meets that dream episode of ‘Bones’ plus CM. Yeah, that’s right. TOTALLY AU.

~~~

Disclaimer:  I don’t own any rights or trademarks to Criminal Minds, the FBI, CBS, FOX, Bones, The Birdcage, or any of the characters within.  No infringements of these copyrights are intended.  Any similarities between original characters therein are a coincidence.  I make no profit from the following fictional story.  (but come on, I needed an excuse to put Spencer Reid in drag!).

~~~

Spence does not want to perform tonight.

He never does anymore. He’d much rather be in the hot tub on the roof with a bottle of champagne, tea bags on his eyes and a mouth on his cock. That would be his absolute dream life, 24-7-365. But now, now he’s putting on his knee-highs, tucking said cock and trying like hell to tie his own bustier.

“LILA!” David’s voice comes crashing through the door and into the apartment. “LILA IS ON IN TEN MINUTES!”

“DON’T COME IN YOU BITCH!” Spence slams the door to his dressing room. “Jesus, Mother and Joseph! Can’t a girl get ready in peace?”

“Just hurry up, Aar and Em are here and you know how pissy Em gets when things don’t run as planned,” David Rossi huffs, turning around to go back downstairs to the club.

Spence scoffs as he puts on his powder foundation. If only David would spring for a home airbrush makeup station. Spence knows what David says, about the club is barely surviving given today’s economic downturn thingy. At least that’s what he hears on the news. Spence has no clue, he’s so bad with numbers and stuff like that. He’s just the pretty face in the relationship.

Putting on his jewelry, Spence gets antsy knowing that Emily ‘Pretentious’ Hotchner is in the audience. He loves Aaron Hotchner, David’s old college friend and the third business partner of this club, but his wife leaves something to be desired. She’s fierce, he’ll give her that, but she’s also a bitch. She seems to think it’s her place to exact a high standard for the club, which pisses him off since it’s his job to schedule performances and be the creative control. That, and the money from Spence’s father’s life insurance policy give him more ownership than Emily. Her name is nowhere on any papers, even though David says if anything happens to Aar that Emily gets his share of The Profiler Nightclub.

The Profiler Nightclub is a gay club with drag shows two nights a week, Friday and Saturday. There’s Lesbian Night on Tuesday, Amateur Drag Night on Wednesday and Bear Night on Thursday’s. They also rent out the club for private parties or charity events. Twice a year they convert the stage to accommodate a movie screen for the Gay and Lesbian Film Series. They are well-known in the community and David knows nearly every regular’s name. Spence knows most of them, but he rarely goes into the club during hours as himself. He is better known to patrons as Miss Lila Archer—The Profiler’s Headliner.

There’s a knock at Spence’s dressing room door. “Miss Archer? Mr. Rossi requested me to come up here and make sure that you are ready to be fab-u-lous!”

“IN A MINUTE MORGAN!” Spence hisses at the houseboy, pouting his lips to add bright red lipstick. He knows it’s Penny Garcia’s trademark look, but that bitch is post-op! Technically David should fire her new-vagina ass!

Spence never thought he’d meet a bigger diva than himself, until Derek Morgan came knocking on the door of The Profiler Nightclub a week after they opened ten years ago with a suitcase and a dream. Morgan has been working as Spence and David’s houseboy/maid/cook and occasionally down at the club itself and neither David nor Spence can imagine life without him. He lives in the small bedroom in the back of the apartment, which is above the nightclub, and has become a part of the family. An adopted son, David often jokes, even though Morgan is much older than Spence. Morgan is an aspiring drag queen himself, but he’s way too muscular to be gorgeous! He’s good at making terrible food and dusting the house wearing a fishnet shirt and cut-off jean shorts that leave nothing to the imagination.

After several minutes, Spence decides that he’s ready. Slipping into his heels, he grabs his feather boa and opens the door. “Morgan, darling, can you help a girl down the stairs? These new heels are much taller than I usually wear and Miss Emily Hotchner will have a fit if I fall down!”

“Yes, Miss Archer,” Morgan offers a hand. When Spence is in drag, she’s Miss Lila Archer. Everyone knows better than to call her anything else.

~

David Rossi sighs. Spence is getting crabbier and crabbier on performance nights these days. David doesn’t get it, Spence wanted to own this club. He wanted to be in charge of the entertainment, and he wanted to be the star. But that was ten years ago, he’s thirty now. He’s starting to get to the age where playing dress-up every night must be exhausting. Not to mention he spends way too much time looking in the mirror and scheduling consultations with dermatologists and plastic surgeons in the hope David will shell out more money to make his lover feel better.

But damn, does he look fine as Miss Lila Archer.

Closing the door to their apartment, David quickly runs down the stairs and into the backstage area of the club. “She is on her way,” he says to the club’s PA tech, Will LaMontagne Jr.

“Thank God,” Will drawls. “Penny has been pestering me to go on first if she doesn’t hurry up.”

“Nobody goes on before Lila,” David corrects him. “Where is Miss Penny Garcia anyway?”

“My guess is that she’s in the makeup room, or behind the bar flirting with Kevin,” Will quickly moves across the backstage back to his soundboard.

David sticks his head out from the side curtain to see Penny Garcia at the bar laughing loudly at whatever the former electrician-turned-bartender is saying. Kevin Lynch is his best bartender since he started four months ago, but that Penny has been a major distraction to him. David wonders if he knows that Penny is post-op? Probably not. Would it matter? David shakes his head and makes his way to the makeup room.

“Hello ladies!” David says, walking behind the curtain. “Are you going to be ready for the second number?”

“Of course we are darling,” says Owen Savage, whose stage name is Sabrina. “Are we ever not ready?”

“Damn David Rossi,” Austin smiles. “You look gorgeous this evening.” The other queens cat-call in agreement.

David goes to the floor length mirror. He’s wearing a white suit with a bubble-gum pink shirt and a bright purple tie. His hair is slicked back and his beard is perfectly groomed. His lime-green patent leather shoes add a fun touch to the whole ensemble. “I’m The Profiler, I have to look sharp.”

“David?” JJ pokes her head in.

“What are you doing back here, honey?” He touches her shoulder and the two leave the room. “I need you at coat check tonight.”

“Amanda came in after all, don’t worry. Emily Hotchner sent me to look for you,” JJ shakes her head. Adam is one of the newest employees at the club who works coat-check. He originally auditioned as a performer—Amanda—but found out he has terrible stage fright. Spence and JJ didn’t have the heart to turn him away and gave him a job off the stage.

David laughs. “I’ll be out in a minute, and don’t take orders from her okay? Just me, Spence or Aar.”

She nods. “Yes David.”

JJ—Jennifer Jareau Reid—is Spence’s fraternal twin sister. She’s the renaissance woman of The Profiler, doing everything from repairing the queen’s clothes to writing press releases for club events to janitor. Without JJ, this club would be a mess. She works closely with George Foyet—The Profiler’s office manager and accountant—as well, pretty much acting as his assistant. She’s the one who gave George the nickname ‘The Reaper’ because he always has to reap the stitches of everyone else’s mistakes. She also manages to keep fresh flowers in the makeup and dressing room for the performers, her own personal touch. David also suspects that she has a crush on Will.

David walks out into the main room of the club. Patrons everywhere are dancing or mingling, men and woman and everything in between. Chatting and laughing it up. Many smile and nod or say hello to him as he passes by to the front row table. “Aaron, Emily, so good to see you both!”

Aaron stands up to hug his long-time friend. “Dave, it’s been a while.”

“How was your trip?” he asks, sitting down on Aaron’s left while Emily sits on his right with a scowl on her face.

“The Virgin Islands are terrible this time of year,” Emily moans. “But that’s where Aar wanted to go for his birthday.”

“I like the resorts when they are empty, it’s more private. Plus, you tend to get a lot of free upgrades.” Aar sighs. “This place is full, Dave.”

“It always is, we stay packed. But drink sales have gone down and our operating costs just keep going up. JJ and The Reaper are working on some new ideas,” David looks nervously at the stage and then his watch, knowing Lila is due to start in two minutes. “We have a new performer.”

“Oh really?” Aar asks.

“His name is Frank, but his stage name is Austin. He’s older, but he can belt those tunes out like you wouldn’t believe. One of the few girls we have that actually sings instead of lip syncs. Blew Spence away.”

“THERE YOU ARE!” Diana Reid’s voice fills the space behind David.

He stands to hug and kiss her cheeks before they sit down. “Diana, I didn’t know you were coming.”

“Jenny said there was a new girl tonight, I wanted to see,” she settles down, waving for a server. “Aaron, Emily, nice to see you.”

“Nice to see you too,” Aar replies, cordial to Spence and JJ’s mother. Diana Reid is the nicest woman on the planet, but if you cross her she goes bat shit crazy. David checks his watch. Lila is now thirty seconds late.

“Hello Miss Reid,” Elle Greenaway, one of The Profiler’s best bartenders and servers, approaches the table with a dirty martini and a Scotch neat. She sets the Scotch in front of David and the martini in front of Diana, knowing what both of them drink.

“Hello Elle,” Diana replies. She knows everyone who works at The Profiler. She lives in a house just blocks away and tries to make at least one of the drag shows every weekend. She also comes on Lesbian Night nearly every week. She’s a very proud mother—both of Spence for realizing his dream of performing, and of JJ for realizing her full potential as someone who can, as she puts it ‘make it happen while putting out the fires and feeding the alligators in the moat around the castle.’

The lights go down and Elle quickly leaves the table. The patrons of the club go silent as Will introduces the lady that gets all the gays in DC in the front door. Miss Lila Archer.

~

“Where have you been?” Jason Gideon chastises the dark haired teen who ducks under the ropes at the front door.

“Sorry Gideon,” Jack Hotchner says. “I know I was supposed to be here twenty minutes ago but my study group ran late.”

Jack Hotchner just turned eighteen, but he’s been working as a dishwasher and janitor at The Profiler for two years. He’s in his first semester of college, having graduated high school a semester early. His father arranged for him to work at The Profiler to help him pay for his education and learn how to be responsible. And Emily…Jack bristles when anyone calls her his mother. He was five when his father married Emily and even back then she was a bitch. Jack’s mother works for the government and her position requires her to travel. That’s the reason Aaron left her, Jack suspects. So Jack spent most of his time with his father and The Devil Herself, living in the guest house until he has enough money to make it on his own.

“Blah blah blah, I’m sure David and Spence won’t notice. But you should know that your mother and father are here.”

“Fuck,” Jack curses, going inside. Once he’s in the club, he goes through the EMPLOYEES ONLY door and to The Reaper’s office. He can hear the music and Miss Lila’s distinctive voice and he knows that the show has begun.

“Hey there Jack,” Foyet says, looking up from his computer. “Just so you know, I got the paychecks done on time so you can take it with you tonight after we close.”

“Great Reaper, thanks a lot,” Jack smiles, putting his things in his cubby and pulling off his t-shirt, putting on his much tighter black tee. He can wear whatever he wants, but Jack knows that he gets more tips—when Elle and Kevin need help sending drinks out to tables--when he’s wearing tight clothes. He really doesn’t mind at all. “I heard my Dad and Emily were here.”

“They are, yes. Emily stopped in here earlier to check up on me.” Foyet takes off his glasses. “Sometimes I can’t stand that woman.”

“That makes everyone except my Dad,” Jack laughs, heading out towards the bar to see what help Kevin and Elle need.

~

Jason Gideon cracks his knuckles and repeats himself to the line forming outside The Profiler. “MISS LILA REQUESTS THAT NOBODY ENTER THE CLUB DURING HER SET!” The crowd groans and whines and Gideon wants to stab himself in the chest.

He hates being the bouncer for this club. The only reason he’s here is because he had a nervous breakdown—or as his boss called it a ‘Major Depressive Episode’—and he had to leave the police department. He ran into his friend Aaron Hotchner who, low and behold, co-owned a nightclub in Washington DC and could use an ex-cop as a doorman. But what Aaron forgot to tell Gideon was that David Rossi and Spencer Reid were the co-owners.

Jason Gideon had met Aaron and David back in college, having lived down the hall from them. The three were close friends for a long time, until Gideon and David got into a fight when Jason got drunk and made out with his at-the-time girlfriend Emma (of course David was as closeted as the come back then, but the man was always territorial). The two ended on poor terms. Jason enrolled in the police academy and a year later transferred to Los Angeles.

“Oh come on hot stuff,” a very tall man with a bad wig, five o’clock shadow, and ill-fitting dress came up to him. “You can let me in.”

“Nope, sorry ma’am,” Gideon says. He learned the first night to call all the people in drag ‘she’ lest he wanted a heel stabbed into his eye socket.

It was good to see Aaron tonight, but even better to see Emily. Gideon really likes her. He likes her tenacity, and the way she just gets whatever she wants from Aaron. She’s got him under her finger. Of course Aaron isn’t stupid, he knows that he lets Emily treat him like crap. Aaron’s comfortable that way, Gideon chalks it up to an abusive household. He’s comfortable being directed by Emily because he’s used to woman dictating his every move. And Emily isn’t all that bad, she just knows what she wants and knows what’s a good idea and what isn’t. Other people think she’s a bitch.

But they just can’t appreciate her the way Gideon does.

~

Penny Garcia is absolutely exhausted at the end of a Friday night show.

After changing into a slightly less flamboyant dress, she says goodbye to the other performers and goes out onto the floor. The patrons are gone. JJ, Elle and Jack are cleaning up glasses and garbage. Amanda, glamorous in a jade-green dress, is vacuuming. Aar, David, The Reaper, Spence and Emily are sitting at a booth in the corner talking business. Penny knows that Spence wants to fire her now that she’s a real woman. They used to be really close friends but since she had the surgery last year he’s been angry. She knows he’s been trying to get David to fire her, but he likes her. Penny brings in the cash. She wonders if he isn’t working on convincing Aar to fire her. Two against one will always win. And if Spence swallows his hatred of Emily for two minutes, he could get her to help him sway Aar.

Penny turns around, looking for Morgan. He often comes down at the end of the night and helps clean up for some extra cash. Penny has it bad for the Rossi-Reid houseboy. Those muscles, that smile, and the way he flirts with her drives her wild. She knows he’s gay, and he knows that she’s post-op, but she’s hoping to turn that boy straight if it’s the last thing she does. She’s been seeking advice from The Profiler’s hottest new bartender Kevin Lynch, but sometimes Kevin is a few acorns short of an Oak Tree.

Just then, Morgan comes out from the kitchen’s double doors with a black garbage bag. He sees Penny and smiles. “Hey there, baby girl.”

“Oh Morgan!” Penny giggles, adoring her nickname. “How is my choco-hunk doing this evening?”

“Helping out, as usual,” he sets the bag down. His muscles are well defined in his white gym tank top and those thighs are amazing in those short shorts. “What is a pretty lady like you still doing here? I could borrow Spence’s car and give you a ride home.”

“It takes time to look that amazing. But don’t worry about me, I called a cab,” she says. “I should go. Goodnight hot stuff.”

“Good night my Oracle of Fabulous,” Morgan says, turning around to clear the nearest table.

~

“This will change the way you Profile.” George Foyet, aka The Reaper, hands out papers to everyone at the table. “JJ and I came up with a new marketing campaign. Drag isn’t edgy anymore, hell, it’s old news. We need intrigue, we need mystery. If we decide to go with this, we’ll do a full photo-shoot with all the performers,” Foyet says. “The ones in these samples are just cut and paste from Google, so you get the general idea.”

“Oh my GAWD Reap,” Miss Archer says, reaching for the papers placed in front of her. “This is a-maze-ing! Look, David darling, magicians!”

“JJ knew you’d like a chance to use your magic tricks on stage,” Foyet smiles at one of his employers.

Emily Hotchner looks down at the papers placed in front of her. This will change the way you Profile, the suggested slogan, is peppered on circus-style playbills. The club name, The Profiler, is in bright lights at the top. This is very interesting, she thinks. “I like this, because the circus theme can really be versatile for every specialty night of the week. But do we have to redecorate the whole place?”

“I don’t think so,” Miss Archer says, setting down her cosmopolitan drink. “Morgan and Will could put together some new stage props for a change in a number or two. We could have the lobby and coat check look more like a circus tent, but really once everyone is inside they’ll be too busy enjoying the drink and the queens.”

Aar looks up. “I, for one, really like this. It’s going to be fairly inexpensive to pull off and this place could use a boost. Keep things fresh.”

“I don’t suppose a new airbrush makeup station would be out of the question? That would keep me fresh,” Miss Archer says, eyes twinkling.

“I tell you what cupcake,” David leans over to cup her beautiful face. “You deserve it. I’ll order one tomorrow.”

“OH LOVE!” She wraps her arms around her lover’s neck.

Emily wants to puke, but instead she busies herself with her Miller Lite. She’s not against the whole gay or drag thing, but sometimes the camp is just too overwhelming for her. It goes from fun to ridiculous all too quick.

“Em, what do you think?” Aaron reaches a hand under the table and squeezes her thigh.

She smiles. “Let’s give it a shot.”

As they continue talking business, Emily nurses her beer and laments. She still loves Aaron, she thinks. They’ve been together for so long, been through so much. When they first met, they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. Now they are older and life has had its chance to pile up on their shoulders. Lovemaking is sparse, missionary and mechanic. Even on vacation, it’s more about sipping drinks and sleeping than staying naked in bed all day, drinking champagne and getting facials…but not from the spa. The thought makes her smile. She misses that Hotchner heat.

That must be why she’s been spending so much time with Jason Gideon lately. He gets her humor, he interacts with her, and even though they aren’t sleeping together, he makes her feel special and beautiful. Emily wonders if it’s only a matter of time before she does something ridiculous, like cheat on her husband. Would she do it with Gideon or some faceless stranger? Would she even want an affair to be meaningful or just about sex?

The stress from this club isn’t just killing Aaron’s sex drive, it’s killing their marriage. “Aar, I’m tired. I’m going to go home.” Emily gathers her things and stands up.

“Take the car, I’ll take a cab,” he stands to let her out of the booth, kissing her cheek. “Good night.”

“Good night everyone,” she nods, heading towards the door.

~

It’s almost three in the morning when the meeting ends, and Aaron’s surprised it lasted almost an hour after the club closed. After saying goodbye to Foyet, Dave and Miss Archer, he calls a cab. Half-hour wait time, no surprise there. It’s Friday night and all the drunks need a ride from the bars to Denny’s.

Aaron walks through the club, saying hello to JJ, Elle, Kevin and Morgan as they finish the last of the clean-up. He goes into the kitchen, hoping to see his son Jack doing dishes. Instead he sees fully loaded dishwashers, an empty sink and no son. He doesn’t get to see nearly enough of Jack, now that he’s in college and still working at The Profiler.

In all honestly, as much as Aaron sees David and Spence as his brothers, his family, but he feels out of place at The Profiler. He’s supportive, both emotionally and financially, and he’s friends with almost everyone at the club, but it’s not his scene. There are straight employees, like Jack, Kevin, George, JJ, Elle…but somehow they fit in better. Then again, Aaron’s been straight-laced since he was a child. He thinks back to the meeting and wonders where David plans on getting the money for Spence’s airbrush machine. He’ll probably max out another credit card, like he always does. That’s how he keeps Spencer happy these days. This place is going to go down the shitter because he’ll be so in debt that the collectors or the IRS will take his share of the club. Then again, if David quit bitching about writer’s block and started writing again he could buy Aaron out and maybe even start another club down in Miami like he’s been talking about for five years.

Aaron steps outside the back door into the alley. Putting his hands in his washed wool jacket pockets, he wonders if the new slogan and revamp will really do any good.

This will change the way you Profile.

~~~

*I know some of my character descriptions are a bit vague, and they get a bit more clear as the story goes on. Basically, if you’ve seen The Birdcage, you’ll be able to understand how they all fit in. This is a case-fic, and it will be multi-chapter, but only if people want to read more so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE comment or I’ll quit writing it.