Red Letter Year -

>>Manitoba (Canada) Herald

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada
has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to
stop the illegal immigration. The actions of President Bush are prompting
the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required
to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their
fields at night.  "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield,
whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and
hungry.

"He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken.
When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him
my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that
blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said.  
"The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they
wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet
liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive
them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an
Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of
drinking water. "They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors
have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing
re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and
watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of
crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on
bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a
half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian
immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed
senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were
alive in the '50s.

"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk
Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon
movies.

"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just
can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors
does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada,
Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged
that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source
close to Cheney said. We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts.
And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The President
is determined to reach out," he said.