Picture me on brighter days,

weird

2007-07-26T17:37:40Z

you're not very interesting or engaging anymore, at all. i don't know what happened to you. it's kind of sad to feel nothing when i sit across a table from you. i suppose it's better than all of the hurt & resentment i once felt. but for a moment i looked into those freckles & remembered. but then i turned my hearing back on & heard the nonsense you were spitting. & i just don't get it...

_never__enough @ 2006-10-10T04:16:00

2006-10-10T20:38:12Z

for the most part life is good.
i miss some people.
others i'm happy not to see.
i like my job.
but i don't make enough.
therein lies the trouble in paradise.
i love cherry coke.
i want to learn.
the fall weather is nice.
i'm almost twenty.

hatorade.

2006-08-23T15:49:29Z

i don't know what to say.
i guess i'm just a mean, bitter person.
but i want you to fail more than anything.
you're just not a nice person,
&i hate when people get things they don't deserve.
it's too bad because there are way more people,
who deserve what you have a lot more than you do.
silver platter.
exes &hoes.

rindawgiedawg.

_never__enough @ 2006-05-30T03:05:00

2006-05-30T19:23:55Z

what did i do to upset you this time?
is it even me?
you're so vague &i can't tell.
but i'm self-centered, so i'm going to assume you mean me.
i've done nothing but stay out of your life...
sometimes i wonder how you are...
but that is it as far as you crossing my mind.
&your name is rarely souring my mouth.
i don't understand it.

_never__enough @ 2006-01-20T06:54:00

2006-01-20T11:55:33Z

I miss you.
Old you.
You that used to wear the blue pumas.
&play the black &red bass.
i tortured myself for hours tonight.
on return to the pit &yer email folder.
the you that loved with all your heart.
come back.
you said forever.
&i meant it.
&i want you to have meant it, too...

_never__enough @ 2005-12-09T16:17:00

2005-12-10T09:31:04Z

I have never felt more betrayed &disgusted in my entire life.
Wow.

_never__enough @ 2005-11-20T10:16:00

2005-11-21T03:33:28Z

This is the story of the boys who loved you.
Who love you now &loved you then.
&Some were sweet, &some were cold and snuffed you.
&Some just layed around in bed.
&Some, they crumbled you straight to your knees;
Did it cruel, did it tenderly.
Some they crawled their way into your heart...
To rend your ventricles apart.
This is the story of the boys who loved you.

This is odd.

2005-11-21T02:57:37Z

It's a weird feeling.
Not feeling, I mean.
I feel like... haha. That's ironic.
It seems to me like...
I don't have anything left to feel.
I don't really feel anything about anything or anyone.
Not even those who I throw fits over constantly.
He said to me last night, he thinks I finally got "closure."
&It feels good to not be sitting here sobbing,
thinking about how if I had only not been a fuckup...
I could take the T into Boston every weekend &see my boyfriend
in his wonderful studio apartment.
&Walk around in the green &drink whiskey &listen to Johnny Cash.
I can do that stuff, but I only want it as a best friend... I think.
I didn't get sad at all last night.
There was about two seconds...
when we were really close &I smelled him.
But that was it.
&Like....
I think I really got closure.
But this numb feeling.
I don't know how much I like it.
What am I going to bitch &moan about?
What am I going to feel sorry for myself about?
I need a wound to rub salt into...
&I think it's finally healed.
&I'm sure I'll go about picking the scar til it bleeds at some point in the future.
But right now I guess that's okay.
Because him &I are going to go iceskating.
&We're going to be the best friends that we really should be.
I mean, this comfort is nice.
But it's not so much comfort in that I really don't feel much of anything.
Hm.

The word of the day is...

2005-08-05T18:26:29Z

promiscuous.

_never__enough @ 2005-07-28T19:38:00

2005-07-29T00:01:59Z

I took a nap that was filled with dreams of Cape May &a certain boy down there.
&I woke up missing him.
&I'm pretty sure I have ABSOLUTELY no business doing so.
Hmmmmmmmmm.

_never__enough @ 2005-07-14T02:43:00

2005-07-14T06:45:29Z

I am a trainwreck of feelings &non-feelings &actions that I shouldn't take ®ret &self-loathing ®ret &misery &elation &so much more.
I am commiting emotional suicide. Currently.
I can feel is coming.

I miss you when you're not around.

2005-06-27T02:27:01Z

There are things I miss sometimes. I've been so good about not thinking about the good times. I've only thought about the horrible things he did to me. I only thought about how he hurt me. I got really good at hating him with a passion. But right now I'm having a moment of weakness. I miss hearing "good morning Princess" on Saturday mornings. The thing I've missed the most lately is having that spot on the side of my nose kissed. Only two people have ever kissed me there. (The other being David.) &He did it all the time. It was my favorite thing in the world. It was so simple, but so wonderful. I try to tell myself that I don't miss him doing it. That I just miss having someone know such a simple way to make me so happy. I think it's a combination of both. But there are other things, too. Right now at least. I'll probably read this later &wish none of it had ever crossed my mind. But I miss the way he would bite his lower lip &smile. &The smell of Garnier Fruictise. I actually miss doing his laundry. I miss folding his clothes &looking up at the window &seeing where I wrote "I ♥ You so much hunny!" I miss the Moneen poster, the Smashing Pumpkins poster, the astallaslions poster. I miss looking at my phone &seeing "Cuttlefish" come up on the caller ID. I miss the voicemails I would get in the morning. I miss waking up at 4 AM to make sure he was up for delivery day. "Hunnyunnyunnyunnyunnyunny." I miss the way he was so defensive of me. &God damnit, I miss the amazing sex. But what I miss more than that is collapsing &breathing heavy together. &Then getting the kiss on that spot on my nose. He always kissed that spot. &I'd make this little excited noise. Hopefully tomorrow I won't miss you anymore. Because really, I fucking hate you.

Oh great, here I go again... I'm stuck in this rut. &I'm not sure how to begin; should I tell you everything? I'm feeling out of luck, so I won't see you soon. Cause I know it's too soon for you to see me. If this is the last thing you do, just tell me that it's okay for me to have these feelings for you, &that it's normal to want to call you. Oh I'm dialing the phone, and I'm letting it ring for hours... &I'm pretending to hear your voice. Why does my heart always beat before yours does? After a while you can make yourself believe in almost anything, ~~so I'm making myself believe in you.~~

_never__enough @ 2005-06-25T14:47:00

2005-06-25T18:47:25Z

&Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet.

_never__enough @ 2005-06-24T13:57:00

2005-06-24T18:02:36Z

The last few nights I've had dreams about Bryan Donahue.
&It really fucking blows.
I just want him to go away.
In all aspects.
Become an unperson. Please.
I think I just miss feeling the way I felt in February.

I also dreamed about Christian last night.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerm.
Yeah.
I think it was the Alk3 show that caused that.

Then there's the other boy.
Ugh.
Miss him.
Wanna see him bigtime.
"You're my best friend... best friend with benefits."

_never__enough @ 2005-06-24T05:50:00

2005-06-24T09:53:09Z

Alkaline Trio was incredible.
Loveeeeee them.
Met the most gorgeous guy EVERRRRRRRRR man.
He got my number &called me so I would have his.
Phenomenal.

Went &hung out with *that* boy tonight.
I don't even have words for him.
Just.... sigh.
He gets cuter &sweeter every time I see him.
daskdjalksdjaslkdj.
LOVE ME!
Hahahahahaha.
I love kissing him.
It's so nice.
&I can do it whenever I want.
I still get nervous but?
I donno.
Whose the shmoo now?
Haha.

♥rinnie

When I say "shotgun," you say "wedding."

2005-06-22T19:27:33Z

Someone coming home from a different state,
&dragging two other people that were with them home too,
because they miss you &want to see you,
is so killer.
Having that someone take care of you when you feel like dying
is the best.
That someone being so gentle with your burns,
but still rubbing your back &shoulders,
&kissing your cheek &forhead,
is amazing.
Cuddling with him, even with a sunburn,
&getting little kisses on my hip,
is wonderful.
Sleeping in our underwear &touching skin
(no matter how red &destroyed it is)
is fantastic.
Oh goodness.

_never__enough @ 2005-06-18T22:04:00

2005-06-19T02:06:50Z

Life is pretty crazy.
I don't know what to say.
I'm lonely &bored.
I wish I was doing something right now.
I miss Shannon, Jocelyn &Maura.
A lot.

I kiss too many people.
&It makes me all crazy.
I guess that's all.

Meh.

♥rinnie!

_never__enough @ 2005-06-08T06:30:00

2005-06-08T10:40:15Z

He makes my heart beat really fast &my hands shake.
It's kind of silly.
It's fun though.
I think my favorite part of tonight was at the gas station.
When we raced to my car &he picked me up &spun me away so he could pump,
and said, "I really do like you Rinnie."
&Smiled really big.
Time, patience, being sweet,
proving that I'm not scary &I don't hurt boys.
That's about all I got.
6:45 AM, time for beeeeeeeed :)

_never__enough @ 2005-06-07T00:31:00

2005-06-07T04:34:57Z

I will dig a hole &label it "love" &trick him to fall in from above.

I could be another fool, or an exception to the rule.

2005-06-06T08:16:38Z

Today was seriously awesome.
Slept til 4.
Then went to meet Justin TASL.
Jumped off a bridge into water off of Route 9 in the Natick area.
You can see it on the pike.
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo awesome.
When I hit the water, &it parted around me,
&I swam back to the surface,
I realized, as I was falling...
I wasn't wishing for there to be cement below me.
I wasn't looking for another way to die.
I felt free &happy &awesome.
It's weird how much went through my mind
between when I jumped off the side of the bridge
&when I came up for air.
&It felt good to suck in the 80* oxygen.
I was with awesome people who really like me
&Even some who think I'm beautiful.
When we went to ColdStone Dominic says to me,
"Rinnie. You are the love of Cosmo's life, you know that?"
&I said, "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"
&He said, "yeah, he said that
just seeing you made the whole trip out from Boston worth it."
It feels so good to have peopel really care &want me around.
Then we got kicked outta two parties.
Went to see Brian.
Drank a few screwdrivers.
Some random kids smoked us up.
(Who was from Wrentham &used to play football with Bryan Donahue,
when I asked him if he knew him he goes,
"Yeah, that kid sucks.")
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
Went back to Brian's house.
Got my fair share of cuddling &makeouts.
&The whatnot.
Hahahah.
I feel really happy.
Tomorrow I have to go to Fitchburg to see Mr. Deblois,
I think he's giving me a joberoonie! :)
Tuesday HB (hot Brian, as opposed to RB, Retarded Bryan, nickname credit: Dan Wilkinson)
&I are going to go back to that bridge together &jump off.
Then we're going to Boston to tag &take pictures.
He's coming to my family graduation party.
&Then it's off to 80's night to get hammahhhed &dance.
I'm feeling much happier these days.

♥rinnie

ps: I have forgotten what his bed smells like. Most excellent.

_never__enough @ 2005-06-05T04:32:00

2005-06-05T08:31:44Z

I chilled with Eric Stone at his new apartment tonight.
It was pretty ill.
The end.

You smile &skies unfold.

2005-06-02T02:02:50Z

So basically.
I need to chill the fuck ooooooouttttt.
I got all worked up for no reason.
I can't expect this kid to be all gung-go for a relationship.
We've been hanging out for four days.
Get serious Rinnie!!!
I donno.
I talked to Maura today &she made me feel a lot better.
I just need to chill, keep it cool &take it slow.
I want to still hang out &have whatever it is going on,
to still be going on.
I think that would be swell.
Just hang out, not expect anything from him, &see where it goes.
Because he DOES like me.
Maura says it's blatently obvious.
I just have to make it very easy to fall for me.
&Just being cool &my awesome self is what I needa do.
He's terrified of commited relationships.
I suppose I have to just show him that I'm not scary.
&just chiiiiiiiiiiilllllllllllllllll.
¬ be overbearing.
&keep it cool.
i'm going to invest time &patience into this.
yessym.

Why am I not good enough for anyone?

2005-06-01T10:27:06Z

It hurt in a whole new way.
I started to like him way more than I should have,
having only hung out with him four times.
But what would you expect after cuddling,
kissses on the head, shoulder, cheek &neck,
&laying naked feeling completely comfortble.
When we got back to his house he said to me,
"Rinnie, why do you waste your time with me?"
I told him it wasn't a waste.
We had sex.
But stopped because we were way fucked up,
&felt it wasn't right.
Then I made this mistake of saying,
"I am starting to really like you."
He told me he likes me a lot.
A whole lot.
&Went on for over an hour about how
he's just going to hurt me....
&how he isn't into managomous relationships.
I wasn't asking him for anything...
He told me he understands if I don't want to hang out anymore,
...&stuff.
I don't know.
I really like him.
I promised myself I wouldn't put myself in this position.
But I did.
&I ended up crying all the way home.
He made me promise to call him today.
I don't even know what to do.
Do I continue chasing something I know is a lost cause,
hoping to convince him I'm worth taking a chance on?
Or do I just give up right now?
He told me to follow my heart.
I was following my heart when I told him how I felt.
I don't even know what to do.
The sensible part of me says just never talk to him again.
But the part of me that that listens to my heart,
says he'll come around &realize what an oppoptunity he's passing up.
I'm so stupid.
I'll probably call him tomorrow,
&end up over there immersed in the same conversation.
Why do I let this happen?
He said he loves holding me &kissing me &touching my skin?
&Likes me so much? But?
I don't know.
I don't even know.
Why did i have to like him so much?
I know I'm just going to end up letting myself get more hurt.
dfasjdkasldjaslkdj.

_never__enough @ 2005-05-30T04:43:00

2005-05-30T08:44:02Z

adjlkasjdalksjd.
excited.
each time i see him he impresses me more.

_never__enough @ 2005-05-29T21:01:00

2005-05-30T01:01:28Z

I am already fucking retarded over this kid.
But he kisses me on the shoulder.
&He holds my hand.
&Gives lots of consecutive kisses on the cheek &neck,
the way I love to do.
He's just as cuddly &touchy as me.
Oh boy.
Wow.