It's been quite a while since I've been writing in here...since I've been writing anywhere, really. I just wanted to record some dreams I've had recently and not-so-recently--the ones that have stuck with me. Most of them don't make sense, and from some I just remember images, but oh well.

-In one dream, I was in DeKalb and I was looking for Andy's house because I wanted to go there and practice singing. So I went there and he was having a barbeque, so I went out onto the lawn and started singing. When I was finished, I went over to the table and he was there, sitting, talking to other people. So I went up to him and asked him if we could talk, and so we went out onto the stairs in the front of Andy's house and I told him how much I wanted to be with him, and he said he didn't feel the same, and he was almost angry that I had asked to talk to him, as though I'd asked him before. After that, I just remember walking through an open field with him.

-In another dream, I saw him so clearly, and I felt nothing. I'd gone to Eric's house and I was going there to talk to Eric, but when I went down into the basement where I knew he was, I saw him standing at a bar, and two guys were sitting with their backs facing me. I looked from one to the other and saw that curly head of hair I'd know anywhere. So they were all talking and I came up beside him and asked Eric a question. After that, they all became quiet, and he got up from the stool and went over to the couch that was down there. I asked Eric what was wrong with him, and he replied, "He was in love with you," and to me, this was a surprise.

-In another dream, I don't remember a lot of the details, but I remember that we were back together, and it was everything I'd ever wanted, but it wasn't what he wanted. I remember there were escalators and that's about it.

-This other dream I had had nothing to do with him, surprisingly. It was the most amazing dream I've ever had. I woke up feeling happy and safe and loved, feelings that I haven't felt in over a year now. So in my dream, I remember being on a street with a bunch of shops like downtown DeKalb. I was there with a boy and we were in a shop looking at photo boxes. He picked up three and said something I don't remember about the first box, and then he pointed to the second one and said "And then there's humans" and then he pointed to the third box and said "And there's inhumans. I'm inhuman." As he was saying this, a lady who ran the shop overheard us and I told her he was just explaining to me the plot of a science fiction book he read. Then we left the shop and somehow I knew that his brother was after me and he was trying to protect me. We looked up in the sky and saw this dark shadow. He said, "He's coming," and we ran to a parking lot that looked a lot like the steak and shake parking lot in DeKalb. He made me hide behind a car, but I saw the whole fight between the two of them. They were fighting, but they weren't touching, and somehow, the guy protecting me won and we ended up at a grocery store together, and I just remember feeling like I was safe and I had that feeling like I was falling in love. It was amazing.

So in the meantime, it's spring break. I started a new story which I hope to keep working on. November and December were really hard for me to get through, but since then, things have gotten a bit better. I'm still depressed as fuck, but I'm not sure that will ever change. And I just really want to feel something again. I haven't really felt something for a guy since him, and that sucks, but I guess it's telling me I'm not ready. But how will I know when I'm ready if I don't try to date someone? Well, there is one guy, but I don't know if I like him. I have to get to know him better. We're supposed to hang out this week, but I think it's with other people. Oh well, I guess I shouldn't get my hopes up. I'm just bored and super lonely, but I guess I'm getting used to it. Well, I'm hopefully going to work on my story. It's about my situation right now of being post-grad, lost, apathetic, and depressed. Awesome and uplifting. I can't wait.

So it's finally official...according to facebook at least. I'm single...even though technically I have been for almost a month now because I'm not going to count anything that happened after Nick part duex. So yeah, it feels good for most of the day, but at night, it's pretty lonely. Lame. I wish I was my old high school self. Then I wouldn't mind being alone. Stupid douche just had to make me believe that being with other people, in particular a boy, was much better than being by myself. Why did he have to do that to me? I used to be perfectly happy alone with my thoughts and now, I'm just so restless when I'm alone. I feel time passing and I'm perpetually looking for something to do but I don't want to do school work so that leaves napping. I'm writing again, which is nice, but it only gets me so far and it only fulfills a single part of me. I just need to figure myself out so that good things will start happening for me again. Maybe then I'll find someone who I can really connect with. It's been so long since I've felt that. And when I think back to the way my relationship with him started, I wonder if I've ever really honestly felt a connection with someone, something that didn't just grow on me. It's a depressing thought, actually. To never to have felt a true connection with someone is pretty devastating. And I just want that so much that maybe that's why I've never felt something like that. Maybe I'm looking too hard. I don't know...I'm just all messed up. But I'm going back to see Rita on Saturday, so that will be good. I just really feel like I want to go home for a weekend, but I can't because my mom is going out of town this weekend and then next weekend is downtown for Halloween. I just feel like being at home among all of my mom's decorations and that smell of cinnamon and pumpkin all throughout the house. It reminds me of growing up. I miss that.

So in the meantime, I may or may not have started my nanowrimo...I know, I know, it's cheating. But I'm just glad it's gotten me writing again! Woo! I can't help it. I got really excited by my idea so I wanted to start as soon as possible...so I may have written 14 pages of it...but there's a lot of white space so it's actually probably around 10 so it's not so bad, right? I'm really excited, but I'm afraid that it's not going to work because of stupid logistic reasons, but I'm still going to write it because I can always switch around the order of the vignettes.

Anyways, I have a headache from coughing tonight, so I'll probably be lame and go to bed soon. But really what would I be missing? The Annex? Totally not my scene. I'd rather be in bed honestly. So that is where I shall go. Hopefully I'll be able to fall asleep tonight. It's been rough lately. To many it's-not-supposed-to-be-like-this-cry-myself-to-sleep nights. Oh, it's a blast being me!

So yesterday would have been four years. Interestingly and surprisingly, it wasn't so hard of a day to get through since Kat was here and i had a late class. My day was pretty distracting until night came around. I laid in my bed trying to fall asleep and I just imagined that he was there because he would have been, should have been, but he wasn't. It was just me. Alone. And then I dreamed about him and for the first time in a long time--actually I think the last time was when I was still with him--I saw him. I actually saw his glasses, his hair, the contours of his face. And I was so close to him, sitting right beside him, and I knew we were no longer together and that we had a past, but I didn't feel that heavy, painful feeling in my chest like I do when I run into him unexpectedly. It wasn't awkward either, but he was very quiet and when I asked Eric, who was also in my dream, why he was so quiet he answered that "He was in love with you," as if that was supposed to explain everything. It was just so strange to dream of him because the last time I dreamed about him, I beat him up and he was bleeding from his nose. So maybe this is a breakthrough. Who knows. I just really need to analyze everything that happened and realize how much of it was about my desire to follow in my sisters' footsteps and how much of it was really about him being the one. I know I loved him, more than I've ever loved anyone, but it didn't start off that way. He had to grow on me. And that's why I think this whole NaNoWriMo idea is going to be a great form of therapy for me. I'm excited to get started, but at the same time, a bit afraid because since I started thinking about it again, he's started showing up in my dreams and I'd really rather not have to see him there. I just love my dreams so much and have such a strong relationship with my dreams that I don't want him to taint them for me. I don't want to wake up crying like I so frequently did almost a year ago. By the way, November 7th is my dark day. I have to figure out something grand to do or else stay in bed all day because there is no in between that day. Not that day.

I just got up from a nap and I dreamed about him again. I dreamed about him last night too; at least I think he was there. The dream from last night was about nazi Germany. It was like I was watching a movie preview or something about one man that survived when the nazi's lined all of the men up to shoot them. The man then went and found his mother and younger sister and his three other sisters had been sent to America to get away from everything and in order to save his mother, (I forgot the logic behind this but it made sense in my dream), he pounded nails into her wrists and into the sides of her head. It was really weird and the next thing I know, my sisters and I have cuts on our wrists and we are the three sisters from the movie. It was really weird but I think douche bag was there with me at the end because we were going to see the movie. But in the dream I just had, he was definitely there. It was like it was his birthday or something and we were at this place; I don't know how to describe it, but I was there with him but we were broken up. We were there with some of his friends and we were having a lot of fun together and when we were all going to leave, I asked him if we could talk and he got all pissy with me and was like "What do you want?" and at this point I was on a balcony above him so I went down to find him and he was gone. So I started looking all over for him, feeling absolutely desperate, and I was calling out his name and he wouldn't answer and then finally this other girl was like, "he's over there" so I found him and started crying asking him what was going to happen now that we'd spent time together and he was really cold to me as he said that he was so much happier without me and how now he's himself again because I took that from him. I was sobbing and I felt like I was trying so hard to get him to listen to me, but there was no changing his mind and so I ran from him. I think I went home crying at the end. This explanation doesn't really capture it all, but I just wanted to write it down.

I’ve been thinking today about how one can just walk away from someone who they’ve loved for three years. How can he just turn around and say goodbye without another word? It just baffles me and makes me really sad when I think about it. But tomorrow will be one whole month that he’s been gone. And here I am, still thinking about him. God, I hate him for that. I hate him for doing this to me. I hate him for lying to me. I hate him for not breaking my heart sooner. Why would he let it go on for so long? What did he gain from that, I wonder? I have no idea. I just wish I could find my purpose again, you know? I still feel like I don’t have one, like I’m just going through the motions of everyday. It sucks. It’s hard. I just want to be somewhere new. I need to be somewhere new with new people and new experiences and a new atmosphere, somewhere I can start my life again without him. Because here, everything is still him.

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Right for Each Other

You could never sleep at night.
Is this what kept you up?
Is this what you were thinking as I fell
asleep in your arms?

"We're not right for each other," you said.
I disagreed.
But it's now that I realize
I always had to hold your hands around me.

Are you sleeping better now
that you've ripped me apart?

So funny, funny, ridiculously funny story: So on Monday, I invited Adam over to hang out and so that he could give me microsoft word and everything, and he came over at about 9 and we talked for a long while and I was really enjoying his company. So then we went downstairs because Kat had gone to sleep and we didn't want to keep her awake with our voices, so we were sitting together on my futon and he was making fun of my yearning to be Jewish and he saw my star of David socks that I was wearing and so I felt like a complete and total weirdo and was like "Oh my God, you think I am so weird" and he was like "You're not weird" and I was like "You totally think I'm weird" and he was like "Well, I haven't left yet, have I?" and he leaned over and kissed me. Now ok. I haven't had a first kiss in three years so maybe the rules have changed especially since I'm not 18 anymore but not two minutes after we started kissing, he was totally dry humping me on my futon! And I was completely taken aback because I thought he was just going to kiss me for a while and that would be it but apparently I'm old fashioned. Anyways, so I'm laying there and let me just tell you that he was really into it, and I'm doing a really bad job pretending that I was okay with it and so finally, I just pulled my lips from his and said "Hi," hahahaha because I didn't know what else to say. And then at some point I said "thank you" as if I couldn't get any more awkward. It was probably hysterically funny for anyone who wasn't me at the time and Danielle got a big kick out of it when I told her about it last night. But I was just so surprised that he was suddenly on top of me; I was only expecting a kiss so I was like "oh, ok?" haha. So then he kept asking me if I was uncomfortable and after a while I said a little because once again I didn't know what to do and he stopped for a while and then not too long after continued. It was bizarre, but then again, my life often is. So then we talked for a little while longer and he left not too long after. I don't really know what happens now...play the waiting game, I guess? But he has texted me a couple of times so maybe we'll hang out again and this time I'll be ready for more than kissing I suppose :) Haha...flings are fun! Anyways, that's my ridiculous Gen moment for the day. My life is so awkward.

It's me again. So I was so caught up with the bad that I forgot to tell you the good yesterday: I met a new guy. He's really nice and really cute and he totally likes me. I met him at Ryan's house on Thursday and we exchanged numbers and the next night, I talked to him on the phone until 4 in the morning. So that's been really cool because this is literally the first guy that I actually find attractive that is attracted to me. So I'm stoked and I hope that something comes of it. I wish I would have been able to hang out with him before break, but he already went home and I'm leaving tomorrow. Hopefully I'll talk to him on the phone and we'll plan something. So that's my good news. Just thought I would let you know. More later :)

It happened. On November 7th, 2008, we broke up--scratch that--he broke up with me. That's it. It's over. And I'm not going to hear from him ever again. I just don't understand how someone can just throw away three years of a history with someone else, how he could just be fine with walking out of my life and not looking back. It doesn't make sense to me; I can't even fathom it. I'm trying to get over it; I really am because I don't want to feel like this anymore, this ache, this horrible pain. It's getting old fast though; I just wish I could stop missing him. I even met a way cute guy who is totally into me, but as much as I hate to admit it since this development has made me a lot happier lately, I don't think I'm ready for anything new. And everybody knows it. I just don't want to hear it because I want a relationship so badly. I miss it so much. And do you wanna believe why he broke up with me? He told me that he had been lying to me for a year now, that he was just telling me what I wanted to hear to make me happy. He told me that he didn't think that we belonged together and that he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with me. He said these things to me. And as he did, I'd like to say that I felt my heart break in two, but I didn't feel much at all except for the urge to cry. I don't know why; maybe I was just in shock. But I felt the whole time like I was acting; it reminded me of when we first got together because that started off as acting too because I wanted a relationship so badly then too. I should have known it wouldn't have turned out very good. But the reason why I'm writing about this today is that I keep being reminded of him everywhere I look. I've seen his name three separate times today and at one point, my classmates were talking about Palatine. And then Jodie started asking me how I've been doing and I'm just like...why is this happening? I'd been doing pretty well, but today's just been hard. I'm sorry that this is just a bunch of thoughts all over but Danielle was telling me that I had to figure that he was actually prepared to lose me since he did the breaking up, so he's probably doing fine and that fact makes me hate myself for feeling the way I do. I don't want to miss him anymore. I don't want to feel like I need him because clearly I don't. I mean, I'm still alive right? I might be slightly depressed, but I'm still alive. And he is so not worth killing myself over. And I mean, I know there was so much that I looked past like his toe warts and his pit stains, but I thought that you were supposed to look past things like that. And I thought that it was so worth it and I thought that he thought so too since he told me he did the night before he broke up with me. What an immature piece of shit. That's all that he is. He's a 22 year old baby and I'm glad I don't have to deal with his shit anymore. I mean, how could be possibly lie to me for a year? Is that even possible? I don't know how you can do that and live with yourself. But then again, he is the hugest douche bag ever. It was so strange though because when it happened, I so felt like I didn't even know him; and when I think about it, I really didn't, not really if he'd been lying to me that whole time. So who was I in love with, I wonder? Who am I still in love with? I don't know. I really don't. But it wasn't him. It wasn't that body that I'd slept beside. It wasn't that voice that had told me he loved me. It wasn't those lips that I had kissed so gently, so urgently. No. That person doesn't exist. And now I'm left yearning for something that's not there. It's heartbreaking.

Since last we talked, things have been pretty okay. Dave and I are getting ready to celebrate our 3 year anniversary, so that's exciting. It's on Wednesday and I can't wait to give him his present. It's a poetry book I put together with 11 poems I wrote. I hope he likes it.

In other news, I've been feeling extremely anxious lately and it sucks. I've discovered that it's our relationship that makes me anxious: I'm just so worried that something horrible is going to happen, that we'll break up or one of us will get injured or something. I'm not kidding; this is how my mind works. I need to talk to Rita about this, but I'm not going to be able to make an appointment until Thanksgiving and I'm just so tired of living like this. And besides my being extremely anxious, I've also been extremely overemotional to the point where I'm crying almost every day. It's ridiculous and I don't know if it means they should up my dose of anti-depressants or what. I don't know. And when I'm not feeling overemotional or anxious, I'm feeling like I've lost my will to do anything and I'm questioning things I never thought I'd question and it scares me and I don't want to feel this way. I just want to be done with this whole thing. But I feel like nothing seems to make me happy. I don't know. Maybe I should go home this weekend and get these things taken care of. Maybe. I don't know.

Ok, so it's happened. We had sex. And it was in a word amazing. I still can't believe that it even happened...twice...because it feels so ordinary to me, like we've already done it a hundred times. That's how it felt the first time too; it was so comfortable and not awkward at all and it didn't hurt and our bodies just fit together so unbelievably well; it was wonderful. But before that wonderful moment, that night was terrible. I was still feeling like we were a little off together, but not as bad as before I talked to Danielle. But before we went up to bed on Friday at 10 o'clock, I tried to get him to kiss me and he wouldn't put any feeling into it, so finally I just gave up and allowed us to go to bed. But while we were laying there I asked him if he was alright and he said yeah and then I asked him if we were alright and he was like, "I don't know, Genna" and I immediately started crying because he freaked me out, but then finally we talked about everything that happened over the summer and in Florida and how weird it was and how hard it was on both of us for me to be going through my depression and everything and I finally got the chance to tell him that I felt like if anything gets hard, he would want to just give up and walk away, and I told him that things will get hard and that that's all this time has been: a hard time. We both just have to try harder to make it work; we have to both care enough to put in the effort and try. So I'm glad I got to tell him that. I feel like I really reached him and now I can rest a little easier if things get weird again. But then he told me that he was really getting nervous about getting engaged because we've been going through this hard time, so finally I was just like fine, we'll wait and do what you feel is right because I'm ready to make that commitment, I'm ready to be engaged to him and to start planning out our life together. And I think he's ready for it too, I think he just wants to do it on his own time. So now I don't think we're going to get engaged until next semester. But it's okay with me. I just want him to be happy. But yeah, so after we made up and forgave each other and vowed to put it all behind us, we started kissing and our desire for each other was just too strong. So we drove out to wal-mart at 1 in the morning to buy some condoms (no joke) and then we got back and it happened. It was so special and mind-blowing and exactly what I'd hoped it would be. And I was just so comfortable and I wasn't ashamed and I can honestly saw that I feel no closer to hell now than I felt before we made love, so there. Take that, fourteen years of Catholic schooling! And now, the weirdness between us is completely gone and it's been replaced with passion and affection and everything that I'd been missing since last semester. It's wonderful and I love him more than I ever thought I possibly could. But anyways, we did it again the next night too, but now we've decided we're going to wait until I've been on the pill for a month to do it again. Let me just tell you that it's going to be a long month.

But in other news, as if that wasn't big enough news for you, on Friday night someone threw a brick threw our living room window and smashed it into shattered bits. We're hoping that it was just some random, drunk asshole who got a little too rowdy and not Mike trying to get back at Kat. Here's hoping because he freaks the hell out of me. I wasn't home when it happened though; Kat and her boyfriend were, and it was weird because she texted me, but I didn't hear my phone go off, and when I checked it the next morning and saw that it was a text from her, the thought of a brick through the window crossed my mind before I even opened it. It was so weird. But yeah so Star still hasn't come to fix it, surprise surprise, but Dave and I are going to spend the night there tonight so that Kat isn't there alone. It should be okay.

So I can't believe I'm not a virgin anymore. I'm a woman. It's crazy. But it's not earth-shattering, like I thought it would be. It just feels like a birthday or something, where you know that you should feel different because you're a year older, but you never do. It's kind of like that.

By the way, Michelle found out she's having a girl! I'm going to have a little niece! How adorable.

Ok. I'm done for the night. I hope you're excited for Dave and I. We're so incredibly in love and I want him for the rest of my life.

P.S. I wrote my first haiku on Thursday. Check it out:

You fit into me
A finger in a socket
Sparks of you and me

So I'm writing this hoping that getting these feelings down in here will take them out of me, or at least alleviate them a little; take the edge off. I'm back at school and I guess you could say I expected everything to go back to the way it was last semester, but it feels different; I feel off. And I feel so much more depressed than usual. I constantly feel like I want to cry, I constantly feel like Dave is going to leave me, like he would rather be someplace else when he's with me. And I think that's the main cause of this depression problem: I feel like he's bored with me, like I'm not enough anymore. The reason I feel that way is that we've been really quiet this last week. We haven't been our usual joking around selves together and I'm sure it's probably just that we're both trying to get back into the routine and we've both been stressed out with the first week of classes, but I can't help but feel that way. I know that I have to talk to him, but I've been talking to him about these kinds of things so often now that I feel like I'm just going crazy. I don't know. Maybe I should be on higher meds. But I feel like the only time we're in sync with each other is when we're being intimate. So I guess at least we have that going for us. I just want this to be over. I want to go back to the way things were. And I'm just really hoping that this whole ordeal isn't just me pushing him away and not realizing it because if that's the case, then I need to stop, but I don't know how. I just feel like we're one of those old couples now who barely talk to each other and have nothing interesting to say. And I feel like it's my fault and so I feel like he's going to leave me or that when he's not talking to me he's thinking about leaving me and if he did, I honestly don't know what I would do. I would be absolutely devistated and lost and confused and worthless. And that's my other problem: I don't feel like I'm worthy of love. I'm constantly thinking to myself, "well who am I to deserve someone like him?" and "who am I to tell him how I feel?"

I just talked to my sister for a while and she made me feel a little better. She assured me that this kind of off feeling happens with her and Kris too, and that made me breathe a lot easier. She said that every relationship goes through fazes like this; it's just strange for me because it's never happened to us before. But I'm going to talk to him about it tonight and hopefully everything will get figured out. I feel a lot better now and he's coming to pick me up so I'll write more later.

So sorry that another two weeks have gone by; I'm still trying to get through this anxiety and depression thing. It's so ridiculous and I hate that this is happening to me, but I just need to get through it and hope it gets better and goes away and never happens again. So last week, Rita started EMDR with me and I cannot believe how amazing it has been. We started last Monday with the memories I had of the shooting, and I have to admit, that was kind of hard to get through because what EMDR does is force you to really focus on those moments and on the feelings you felt then. As we went through each image, she talked me through it and I took her through the things I remembered and the feelings that were attatched to them, and now, more than a week later, it's so amazing because the memories don't just creep up on me anymore; my mind doesn't just wander to those moments and all of the "what ifs" when I'm not thinking of anything in particular. In fact, it's actually hard for me to access those memories. I have to focus on thinking about them, and when I do think about them, those residual feelings that have haunted me since February--feelings of helplessness, of loss, of fear, of panic--they're no longer there. It's like they've finally lifted and left from my body like they should have five months ago. However, as per Rita, these memories will get harder and harder to access and have fewer and fewer details as time goes by because they're getting more and more distant like memories should. This presents a problem because it has occurred to me that I have not yet written about that fateful day, that shocking and unexpected Valentine's day...and so here goes...here's the story.

I woke up that morning in Dave's arms, a "Happy Valentine's Day" on my lips kissed away quickly by his. We were sleepy and were stricken with the uaul reluctance to get out of bed, but knowing we had to and my mind racing with all of the parts of his present that I needed to finish was fuel enough to start our day, and not long after we'd awoken, we were kissing goodbye in my parking lot and I found myself stricken with the sadness of knowing that I wouldn't see him again until 9 that night because his late class that he normally had on Tuesdays had been switched for this one week to Thursday. I tore myself away thought and went upstairs and took a shower and got ready for class. I had a paper due that day, so I made sure I had it and was out of the door and on the phone with Michelle only moments later. I walked to the bus stop while I talked to her about how her child was a demon and her husband was an ass, and I remember being pleasently surprised because the morning wasn't too cold; it was bearable and comfortable. Light grey clouds covered the sky and I knew that if they broke, sleet would pour down and freeze my thin boots and the toes beneath.

I got to campus and was still on the phone with Michelle. I had to go see Dr. Newman at her office because I needed to ask her for a letter of recommendation for a scholarship I was applying for, and the elevator in the building freaks me out, so I made Michelle talk me through it. Then I went to Dr. Newman's office and she was honored to write me a letter and we talked about getting my novel published and writing a cover letter. It was the start of an okay day. Then we walked to class together because my first class that day was Poetry, and class went well; nothing was out of the ordinary at all. I just couldn't stop thinking about all of the things I still had to do for Dave: I had to put the finishing touches on his present and bake and frost a cake.

Next, I had linguistics, and it was as boring as ever. Again, nothing out of the ordinary. After class, I happened to run into my friend Stephen who I hadn't seen since fall semester, so I stopped to talk to him for a few minutes, and then I had to run because I had to make it over to the music building. So then i went through Reavis and out through the thorough-way in Cole to save time and to warm up before my long long trek over to the music building. I walked there quickly, all the time cursing it for being so far, and when I did get there, I was getting anxious thinking about my unmade cake and the limited amount of time I had to put it together. I handed in my paper and made it through class and the moment she let us out, I hopped up and raced out the door thinking about how I had to run to the grocery store because I needed one more egg and then I had to bake the cake and let it cool and frost it and blah blah blah. I remember that as I walked out of the music building, I put my ipod on and as I walked past the walkway in between the music building and the art building, there was this creepy guy walking toward me and I remember thinking that he looked kind of suspicious, but I didn't think anything of it since I'm a paranoid freak. So then I made my way back toward Normal so that I could go to the student center and wait for the bus. I was so determined to catch the 3A which was usually leaving right as I got there, so I was rushing, all the while thinking about how cute my cake was going to look. When I finally hit Normal, I knew something was wrong. I looked across the street and saw the flashing lights of four or five NIU police cars pulled into the MLK Commons. I thought to myself that that was odd and I remember thinking, "Maybe there was a shooting," and then I was very quickly thinking, "No, that's ridiculous." I still saw people with backpacks walking through the commons past the cop cars, so I was going to cross Normal and wait at the student center for a bus, but at the last second, I backed up and decided to walk home, feeling a little unsettled and deciding to play it safe just in case something had happened since I saw a lot of people outside of the student center on their cell phones. That's when I started walking down Normal towards Lucinda and as I walked toward that light, I saw the 3 bus I would have waited to catch and it turned the wrong way down Lucinda. That's when I knew something had to have been wrong, but I still thought it was probably a stupid bomb threat or something lame. I walked across the street and that's when I saw Mike's car and saw Kat hanging out of it yelling my name. I turned off my music (I can't remember what I was listening to, surprisingly) and I heard her yell to me, "Get in the car! There was a shooting!" and I didn't even begin to believe or comprehend her words as I struggled to climb over a hill of iced-over snow that lined all of the streets so that I could get to the car. I finally got there and all they knew was that it happened at Cole. We drove back to Bruce Campbell and I called my dad on the way to see if he had heard anything and to tell him I was alright. It took forever to get through because all of the cell phone towers were jammed with people trying to call out, but when I got ahold of him, he hadn't heard anything about it and that was right when it was breaking news. We got back to Bruce and we put on the news and watched as video of our campus, the streets that laid not a mile from where we were sitting, were displayed on the screen as though they were part of the traffic report. We could hear the helicopters humming in the sky as we could do nothing but watch, listen, and hope that no one was hurt.

As we were sitting there watching as news anchors reported misinformation and butchered the name of our city, I had one thing on my mind: Dave. I had no way to get ahold of him to make sure he was okay because his phone had broken and he had to order a new one and we hadn't gotten it activated yet. To make the whole situation worse, I knew that he had a class in Cole at the same time that the shooting happened, but I couldn't remember if it was a Monday/Wednesday class or a Tuesday/Thursday class and I couldn't remember if it was a geography or a geology class because I never could differentiate between the two and I guess I never thought the difference would ever be so important. But when the news reporters started saying that the class was either a geography or geology class, I started to panic and I started having all of these horrible thoughts and images shooting through my head and as I sat there on my knees infront of the TV, I couldn't help but imagine that I might not ever get to have him in my arms again and as I felt my arms collapse empty around me, my body filled with this empty, hollow, helpless feeling and I started to whimper and my eyes started to tear up, but for some reason, I couldn't cry. So I ran upstairs to check the website and to grab my phone charger because I realized that all I could really do was wait for him to call or to come over, so I sat down and reassured everyone who happened to call me and get through that I was alive, but shaken up and not okay.

The wait lasted for probably around forty minutes, and when I heard that knock on my door, you'll never know the rush of relief that pulsed through me; I'll never be able to put it into words. I ran into his arms and then pulled him inside and did not want to let him go. I didn't cry then either though. At that point, I think I was still in shock and not really comprehending everything that had taken place. We went out and saw all of the helicopters hanging in the air like flies. I'll never forget the sound of them all, the way their spinning blended into one loud reminder of everything that had taken place; the sound remained until late that night, haunting every moment like a ghost over your shoulder.

But after we watched the news for a while at my house, Dave asked me if I wanted to go to his house, and I remember I didn't want to leave because we'd have to turn the news off and I thought I would miss something or that something would change, but he talked me into going and I remember feeling like I needed to hurry to his car, like we shouldn't be outside, like we were unsafe. When we got to this house, I hugged his roommates and we all ended up watching the news together until 11 o'clock. We didn't even notice the time going by except when Dave, Andy, and I drove out to Pot Belly's to get something to eat. When we drove past campus, it was dark but there were still flashing lights--a reminder: something horrible had happened; something horrible had changed everything in a moment.

That night, Dave and I laid in his room on his bed. His light was on and we could still hear the helicopters humming in the sky so close to where we were. I'll never forget those moments because it was then that I found myself thinking that maybe I had been in that room with the shooter, that maybe I would disappear from Dave's arms at any moment, that maybe I was really dead. I couldn't stop thinking these things and I felt like I needed something to prove to myself that I was still alive, that these weren't my last moments with Dave. It was such a strange time for me and when I told Rita about it, she said that that happened because the logical part of my brain wasn't working right; it's like it was stuck in the trauma of everything that had happened. It was weird but at the same time, it was beautiful and I ended up writing one of my poems for my poetry class about it. Everyone liked it.

So there it is, the chronicle of that day, that harrowing day that I never would have thought could possibly happen. It was a day that changed me, that cursed me with the awareness that I and everyone I love are fragile; we are powerless in this world of chaos and pain; life is extremely difficult.

Rita and I have been working with the EMDR through those memories and the issues that have arisen from them, like my separation anxiety from Dave. I feel that that one has started to resolve itself because this Sunday when he had to leave for the week, it was the very first time that I wasn't filled with that mix of pain and fear at the thought of not being with him for five whole days. Instead, I was okay with it; I was okay with knowing that I would see him again next weekend, and I found myself trusting in that statement again. Rita said my object permanence is back again. This is a step in the right direction for that whole issue thanks to the magic of EMDR.

I did have an issue with my Dave situation on last Friday though and I told her about it today and we worked through it with EMDR. On Friday, Dave had called and said that he was planning on coming over after he ate dinner with his dad. I was fine with that and told him to call when he was going to leave so that I would know when to expect him. So after the garage sale and the terrential downpour that put us out of business for the day, the hours ticked by without a phone call, and finally at about 7:30, I called him to see if he was planning on coming over soon. He didn't answer, so I figured he probably had left his phone at home or just wasn't in the room, and I waited for him to call me back. A half an hour went by and I started to get a little nervous so I went upstairs and started playing spider solitare and listening to Spring Awakening, thinking that would take my mind off of the clock, but it didn't take long for panic to start setting in as the clock reached 8:40 and I still hadn't heard from him. That's when I called the second time and once again he didn't answer. At this point, that feeling of dread and of nervousness and of helplessness started creeping up inside of me and I felt my heart speed up and my nerves go on edge as I stared at my phone waiting for it to ring while my mind imagined horrible scenarios and convinced my self that they were true. Somehow I waited it out until 9:20 and as I picked up the phone to call him again, he called me and the second I heard his voice, tears started streaming down my face as I realized that he was alright and that I would indeed touch him and hold him and kiss him again. Rita said that this has to do with the memories of the shooting and my fears of losing him that sprang up that day and that tend to run in my family. As we talked through the memories though, I realized that my worrying and getting myself all worked up didn't change anything. It didn't make Dave call any sooner; it didn't keep him safe. All it did was drive me crazy, and I think my realization of that will help me to keep calm the next time something like that happens. At least I hope it will help.

So I have a ton of stuff I want to write about but it's late and I have to get up early and go shopping with Mich tomorrow, so I'll return tomorrow to write some more. Night.

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Still

We could still hear the helicopters spin;
I hold him quiet, solace from the twist.
“You are still here,” Mind says to me again.

Love’s arms enfold me softly in the din--
Sanctuary, my body here with his,
But still, we hear the helicopters spin.

Breath held, I wait and try to comprehend.
Thoughts steal in like twilight; Do I exist?
“Yes, you’re still here,” Mind says to me again.

Still, I wait to disappear into him,
I dream it, see him panic, try to grab my wrist;
But dream fades, and still, helicopters spin.

Eyes are blank, seeing nothing but open--
Fixed eyes imagining turning to mist:
“No, love. You’re not a ghost,” Mind says again.

Moments pass, changed from what they’ve always been;
We pull us tight with bruising fingertips
And lay, still, hear the helicopters spin--
“You’re both still here,” Mind says to me again.

So remember that interesting story I promised? Well, here it is: I made Dave cry this weekend. He totally deserved it though. Here's the scoop. So Dave came over on Thursday to hang out and then we were supposed to go to his house for the 4th because Scott was getting back from Australia. So he came over and my parents weren't home so we were upstairs on my bed just playing around and laughing and stuff and Dave started saying how excited he was for me to go out to his house and hang out with his friends and stuff and he goes, "But I have to warn you they're worse than Nate with smoking weed" and I was like, "Well I don't care what they do; I care what you do. You haven't, have you?" and he was like "well, I'm not going to lie to you" and I was like "You did it again?" and he was like "yeah" and I was absolutely furious with him. I couldn't even speak I was so angry. I didn't even want to be near him and I just kept telling him over and over again, "I don't understand how you could do something like that knowing that it would jeopardize everything we have. You had to have known." He just kept saying "I'm sorry Genna" over and over but I was completely unconvinced because it didn't even sound like he meant it so I was just like, "well I don't know what you want me to say to you because I forgave you last time and here we are again. This shouldn't be happening right now." And then it hit me and I just kept asking him, "Now? Why now? Why is this happening now when we're talking about spending the rest of our lives together?" And I just kept telling him how stupid his doing that was and how he needed to start thinking about how his actions affect me and everyone else who loves him. He needs to start thinking of us now, not just himself. And I told him I'm not getting engaged to a druggie and I'm not getting engaged to a follower. I told him that he needs to learn how to be his own person instead of doing things just because all of his stupid friends are doing it. I told him how huge of a weakness that is, how all it shows is a lack of character and a blatant disregard for me and my feelings. When I asked him how he could tell me he loves me when he can do something that would hurt me like that, he started crying and that's the first time I touched him after everything started. He said he didn't want to lose me over something so stupid and I told him I didn't want that either and then he asked me if I still loved him and of course I do so I told him that, but he lied to me. He told me he wouldn't smoke again; he told me he wouldn't keep things from me anymore. I felt his heartbeat when he told me the first time; I felt it racing under his ribs and so I know that the first time he did it, he knew it was going to upset me. So how could he do it again? I don't get it. I don't understand how someone could do something like that knowing full-well that it was going to shake up our relationship. It just doesn't make sense. And then he has the gall to tell me that he wants us to hang out with his friends this weekend. Oh please, just who I want to spend time with. I'm just really angry on top of being depressed and bummed and tired and missing him. How messed up is that? I hate myself right now so I'm gonna go.

So I know I said I was going to try to update everyday, but this time I actually have a good reason for being MIA these past two weeks: I've been suffering from anxiety and depression. It's been so not fun, and I wish I just had something easy like a sore throat or something, something that goes away after you take an antibiotic, but no. Instead, I'm depressed. They gave me antidepressants to take and they are still trying to kick in. I guess it takes about two weeks for them to start working, so I've been dealing with a ridiculous amount of symptoms for almost two weeks now. It all started at the end of June. I started feeling dizzy and nervous and anxious and I couldn't calm myself down. Then I couldn't sleep and when I did sleep, I would wake up and start shaking uncontrollably. It was really lame, especially since Dave couldn't be here with me because of his stupid job. He came over on Friday though, and usually his presence has a way of calming me down if I'm feeling nervous and anxious, but that day, nothing would work and I woke up again in the middle of the night and I couldn't stop shaking. I woke up my mom and she pulled me into bed with them and held onto me until I stopped shaking and tried falling back to sleep. Not soon after though, I heard Dave come out of my room, so I got up and went to him and we went back to my bed. He was like "I was so scared. I woke up and you were gone." It was so sweet and he stayed up with me after that and talked to me until I was calm enough to try and go back to sleep. The next morning, my mom woke us up because she made me an appointment for the doctor and so we went and after I filled out this questionairre, they decided I was showing signs of depression, so they gave me some meds and recommended that I see a psychologist, which I am doing now. It's just been a really weird journey and I'm still convinced that there is something else wrong with me, but who knows. It's just such a weird experience to be anxious for no reason, to be unable to calm yourself down. It's scary, and for a while during this, I could not stop crying and I kept having all of these bad thoughts that just made me more upset. It was insane and these pills still aren't totally kicking in because all day today and yesterday, my heart was racing. And this is all for no reason at all. It's so weird. I don't understand it.

My therapist, Rita, said that these are all symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder from the shooting and everything else that made this year horrendous. It makes sense, I guess but I just feel so stupid to be going through this. Why can't I just handle things? What is wrong with me? Why don't I know how to deal? I just hate having to go through this. And right now I just feel so utterly bummed and tired and blah. I just wish Dave was here with me. He makes me feel better; it seems like he's the only thing that does. But no. I won't see him until Friday and it's only Tuesday. I'm so sick of this stupid summer and I'm sick of missing him and I'm sick of feeling the way I've been feeling. I feel so pathetic because I miss him so much. He so doesn't deserve me pining after him the way that I do. But I can't help it. I need him, and I hate myself for it. Anyways, this entry is getting repetative and boring so I'll be back with a more interesting story.

So I'm having one of those days today. It could just be pms, and I'm sure that that at least has something to do with it, but I have been miserably unhappy today. I just feel restless here and I don't want to be home anymore; I want to go back up to school. I want to be with Dave. I'm just so discontented when he's not around. But it's only Monday. I have 4 more days to wait through. I'm sick of being home and my parents are driving me insane. I'm just so used to having things the way that I like them up at Bruce Campbell, so the fact that everything is different here makes me resent being home and makes me resent my parents as though they are forcing me to stay here, which they aren't. So my feelings are completely unfair, and I realize that, but I can't get out of this rotten mood. I so should have just stayed up at school. I miss it so much, and if I had done that, at least I would have been proving to myself that I can be independent up there on my own, that I can survive up there without Dave; that would have been the hardest part. I associate being at school with being with him so closely that I can't even handle being there without him. I hate that about myself. I'm so pathetic. But I don't want to actually do anything to become un-pathetic because it would hurt too badly to separate myself from him purposely. I hate the thought of doing that, and I really don't see the point of doing that now since it's pretty set in stone that we're getting engaged. It just really scares me constantly because I really don't know what I would do without him. So much of my soul, myself, belongs to him and is entwined with him. But this is off topic. So in conclusion, I am so restless here and I want to go back up to school so badly, but it's only June and even after the summer, it's so weird that I only have one more year left...and then what? It's so scary, and I'd like to say that it's exciting but it's not. It's only scary and I feel like I have everything to lose. I don't know. I know that's a bad way to think but my mind is so fucked anyways that I can't help it. Anyways, I don't really feel like thinking about the future right now. It's just so big, too important, to uncertain. I'm so not in the mood. I'm done for now.

So then there's the whole sex issue...We haven't done it yet, but my god is it hard to wait. I always figured that I'd wait until I got married thinking that I'd feel terrible about myself if I gave in, but now after being together for almost three years and knowing each other's bodies so well and doing so many extremely intimate things together, it's like, why wait anymore? It just doesn't seem like as big of a deal. And I feel like I'm okay with my decision that we not wait because I know that it's my decision, that there are no outside forces pressuring me either way. It's what I feel is right. I feel like being with him is right, that loving him is right, and I feel like I've just reached that point where everything clicks and it no longer feels like it needs to be so forbidden. I think this realization really hit me during the weekend that Dave and I spent up at school alone together before leaving for the summer. We were showering together and as I was standing there naked with him but feeling that comfortable feeling that I always feel when I'm naked with him--as though I wasn't naked at all, as though I was clothed in a sweater and corderoys--I just realized that if we do all of these intimate things together and practically have sex when we're intimate with each other, why should we wait any longer? So I told him that, and unsurprisingly, he agreed. So now we've been thinking about it nonstop practically, and it was so hard to contain ourselves after we had that conversation since the thought was so fresh in our minds, but we did, and we're now waiting until next semester because I couldn't stand to do that with him and then have to be away from him like we are over summer break. That would be torture. So we're waiting until next semester, but I think we should wait until we're engaged, just for the formality of it and since we're going to be engaged soon anyways; although, the last time we talked about it, he told me that he planned it all out and that it's not going to occur until second semester which I never would have guessed since all of our cutely memorable days are in first semester. I was hoping that he would take me to the fox river, but if it's going to happen in second semester which is overtaken with perpetual winter, I don't think it's going to happen. But that's another story for another time. So anyways, the other reason I feel like I'm ready to have sex with Dave is that I no longer feel the strong desire to not disappoint my parents. Ok, that sounds weird to say that way, but I'll explain it better. So last summer when I came home for break, my mom and I spent a lot of time together and had a lot of fun going shopping and stuff and having that kind of relationship with her really filled me with the desire to refrain from doing anything that would disappoint her, a complex both of my sisters and I have had to deal with. But this summer, it's like something has changed. Maybe it's because her attention is mostly focused on Noah, or maybe she's just used to not having me home, but we don't feel as close, like we don't click anymore the way we used to. And that is really sad to me, but at the same time, I feel like maybe I've finally grown up. Or maybe I just resent my parents because I'm here with them and Dave is so far away. I don't know what it is, but suddenly there is a sort of rift, and I'm not so afraid of disappointing them. And I know it sounds weird when I say that I don't want to disappoint them by having premarital sex because it's not like I would tell them or that they would find out, but it is something that would eat away at me inside because I've never been good at hiding things from them and I've always been torn apart inside knowing that I've done something they wouldn't approve of. But suddenly, I don't feel that way. I feel like I'm old enough now to really make my own decisions and accept and deal with the consequences. I feel like I've grown up, like I've finally realized that I'm no longer 16 or 18; I'm 21. I'm an adult. And I can make my own decisions. Another one of the stupid realizations that I have to be hit over the head with in order to notice.

But on another note, Dave has been really cute about the whole thing, and when he was here this weekend, and by the way we got to spend the weekend here home alone because my parents went up to Danielle's, he told me that he wanted to make love to me really badly and that he'd been thinking about it and thinking that if it's possible, we should find a place on the beach at night for our first time while we're in Florida. How romantic, but sandy and uncomfortable. It was a cute thought and I love that he thinks that way and wants to make it special, but somehow I just don't think the beach scenario would work; I hate to dash his hopes though, so I just told him it sounded romantic. He's adorable. And this weekend was really great. He ended up getting here on Friday at like 7:30, but I was okay with it because I spent the day home alone and got to write the new chapter of my story. I was on a high all weekend from getting that done. But anyways, so he came over and I was wearing my cute new green dress and he loved it. So we were out on the porch for a while, but it wasn't long before we were upstairs on my bed, together and alive for the first time since the Saturday before. It was amazing, and afterwards, we went and got some late night ice cream, and then we watched degrassi and went to bed. Then on Saturday, I got up and let him sleep a little longer while I had breakfast and coffee. Then I woke him up and he tried to coax me into morning nookie, but I told him I needed to shower first, so I did that, and then he showered, and he convinced me pretty quickly after that and soon we were back on my bed, enjoying the moments together, our bodies so close. It was really nice, and afterward, we went out to orland to target and to go to Chipotle for dinner. Delish. So then we drove back home and got coffee and went for a walk around my neighborhood. Then my parents ended up coming home late on saturday night, so we watched Sixteen Candles on TV and then went to bed. He had to leave by 11 this morning which sucked, and I miss him fiercely tonight and I have all day. I just love waking up to him and sleeping in his arms with his body wrapped around me; it's like magic. I've never felt anything so wonderful. As much as I complain and ache all week because he's not here, those two nights of getting to sleep in his grasp are so worth the pain. He's amazing, and I want him and I want to be with him and I can't wait to start my life with him. As much as I'm terrified for what lays beyond graduation, I'm just so ready and so excited to start living our lives together. It's going to be bliss, absolute bliss. And so will our first time whether it's next semester or on our wedding night. I just know that I want to be with him always, forever, through everything. He's my soul mate, a reflection of my deepest, purest, best self. It's all in him. He completes me and improves me and he is my inspiration. As mushy as it all is. He and I are one; we always were. And so we'll be. But until Friday, I'll long for him. Can he feel me crying out for him? Does he feel the tug of my missing him? Does he sigh my aching breath? I miss him fiercely. I love him endlessly. And tonight I sleep without him restlessly. Goodnight.

So ever since I started journaling again, it's like the flood gates have opened and I've been super introspective. Today I started to really realize and think about my recent dance with paranoia and anxiety. This year has been indescribably hard on me, presenting me with loss and fear and bad weather, and the hits just keep on coming. The event that really messed with me, and appropriately so, was the shooting. It just astounds me how much that affected me and my mind, and I wasn't even in the room; I didn't even see the blood. Just knowing that it so easily could have been me and thinking for even just a half an hour that Dave might have been gone forever has really taken its toll on me. It started with a lot of crying fits and bad moods, then it came as nausea and fatigue, and the whole time, I've been extra jumpy and whenever Dave or my family doesn't call me when either they say they will or I think they should, or whenever they'd call me at an off-time, like when I was in class or late at night, my thoughts would automatically go to a bad place and I would zone out imagining all of the horrifying possibilities for where they could be, what could be wrong. It's no longer "maybe they got stuck in traffic" or "maybe they forget I had class." It's now "Oh god, what if someone had a heart attack" or "Maybe they got into an accident." And when that happens, I start to go into panic mode and my heart starts beating fast and I go into a panic attack. It's horrible, and even though this whole thing happened 4 months ago, it is still affecting me so badly. I no longer have that "It can't happen to me; I'm invincible" mentality, and not having that really leaves me on edge and makes life a lot harder to cope with. I'm so jealous of everyone who has the privilege to think that way; and believe me, it is certainly a privilege. Maybe it's like a defense mechanism that we all have until something horrifying happens to us. Maybe it's there with us to help us deal with life for as long as it can. Because life is hard and it hurts and it's sadly unpredictable. I've learned that the hard way this year. And I just don't know how you're expected to deal with something like this, to take a deep breath and move on. Is it even possible? Is this another thing I'll never get over? Will I always think the worst now that I know it's possible, that I and the ones I love are never really safe?

My world as I so naively knew it has been shaken. How do you make it stop trembling?
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Scared

If there is safety nestled in the curves of your elbows,
Pull me in and smother me against the line traced down your chest.
Speak to me in words laced with ether, and I will not be afraid.

Look me in the eyes and tell me you never feel afraid;
That those nights it thunders you reach out to touch my arm, take my elbow,
You aren’t wishing I was closer, my hair etching lines on your chest.

I wish there was safety in this fist that beats beneath my chest.
In dreams, I cannot feel you and I wake in pieces, afraid.
I push my hips back into your hips; we wilt together like the bend of an elbow.

Beneath a storm, we are a shallow sea of elbows and chests, clutching and shaking, afraid.

I wrote that last entry at 2:18pm today and I'll admit, I'd been mad about it since I'd talked to him on the phone at about 11:45am; but by 5:30pm, I was overcome with missing him again and all had been forgotten. What is wrong with me? Am I, like, manic or something? I've always noticed that about myself though: my feelings and thoughts change extremely rapidly. Maybe that is why I'm not very quick to get mad about things that happen between Dave and I; maybe I know that I'd soon be over it, so why waste the time and risk everything we've built...I don't even think that makes sense, but honestly, I'm just trying to make excuses. But my rapidly changing emotions make me aware of how much I would ultimatly regret ever breaking up with Dave for some petty, stupid reason. It might seem like a good idea at the time, but in the end, I think I would be unbearably hurt. And honestly, I'm scared that he wouldn't fight for me. Maybe it's because I've never had or pictured a guy fighting for me, doing anything they can to make me see how much they love me, what a mistake I would be making. Maybe that's why I enjoy writing scenes like that so much: if I can't have it, I might as well imagine it and give it to my characters. That's where most of the motivation for my novel came from. It was moments I'd imagined had happened to me and the happy ending I never got. Vicarious living much? Gracious, I am pathetic.

So my name is Genna and I'm wondering...(a little RFR humor there haha) do you really ever get over things that happen to you in your life? I know that seems kind of vague, but I was thinking about it today after I talked to Dave this morning. See, his friend, Scott, is coming home from Australia on the 4th of July, so he wants to camp out on his front lawn until he gets home. It's totally lame and I don't want to go, but it's either that or spend the 4th without him...we'll see which one I choose. So after he told me that, I just started getting angrier and angrier and after we hung up, I sat and dwelt on the fact that I hated Scott and all of his idiotic friends that I have to deal with. Then, I had a flashback to that night after winter break that he told me he'd smoked weed with Scott and Brion because they were both doing it, and he did it even though he knew it would make me upset. The night that he told me, for god knows what reason, I didn't get upset about it. I mean, you should have felt his heart racing when and after he told me. I just hugged him to me, but he was so sure that I wasn't even going to want to sleep in the same bed as him. At the moment, I felt like any reaction would be an overreaction and I think I was just scared to actually fight with him, scared I would lose him, and I thought that that would be the end of it. But ever since then, sometimes I'll think about the fact that he did that, and I'll get infuriated, like I am right now. I mean, I can't believe I didn't make a big deal out of it; it was a big deal. And not because he smoked weed, but not just because of the extremely unattractive fact that he did it just because his friends were doing it, but because he did it even though he knew it would make me angry, even though he knew it would hurt me, even though he knew it would jeopardize our relationship. I mean, he was ready for me to say I didn't want to sleep in the same bed with him; he had to have known that his decision would affect our relationship negatively; he had to have known when he took a drag. And the best part about it is that he didn't just do it once. He did it, like, three times. And it still makes me angry, hence my question about whether or not you ever really get over things. Oh, and another thing. If this had happened during the first year that we were dating, I think I would be able to take it better because he was an asshole that year and we weren't even a third of how close we are now; but this happened not even six months ago, right when we were talking about getting married, about spending the rest of our lives together. And he would just go and do that. It's such a hard thing for me to grasp sometimes. That's why I really don't think you ever really get over things....you just learn to live with them and conquer them time by time when they decide to pop into your head. I just hate remembering this particular event because it makes me wonder about our future and because it digs up all of the other shitty things he's done to me, more things I'd thought I'd gotten over.(for example, the "Friends before Gen" comment. I still wish I would have responded to that. I came up with the greatest thing to say after the fact: "You keep up that mentality and see how long I stick around." How awesome would that have been? But non-confrontational little me didn't want to start a fight, didn't want to cause a problem. But that still bothers me to this day. I can still hear his voice saying that to me; and it still hurts and breaks my heart because I DON'T DO SHITTY THINGS TO HIM! I don't. But he has done so many shitty things to me, and I just let them go. Stephen Chbosky wrote, "We accept the love we think we deserve." Maybe he's right.)

But who knows. Maybe writing about all of this will help. Maybe it won't just be stagnating inside of me. It just hurts me to think about it, and I really can't say anything about it now because I'll look like a crazy person who can't forget or get over things.

Are we all like this? I certainly hope so. Then I won't think I'm crazy.

It's only been two days since I made that resolution to start writing every day and already I've missed one. I'm sorry, but I did get some editing done on my novel. In fact, I got all the way through it finally and so now I just need to go back and add all of the things I wanted to add. It's really exciting for me to feel like it's almost done, but at the same time, I keep going through those moments where I wonder why I'm wasting my time writing it and I just think that the whole thing is really lame. Those moments are so hard to battle. They really are. I wonder if famous authors like Faulkner felt this same way about their writing. It's really tough to break through that feeling though. I guess I just need some more confidence and to put myself back into that place where I was 3 summers ago when I first drafted it. But in the mean time, I'll just keep on writing and hope for the best.

So anyways, I know I'm supposed to be writing about the things that I haven't written about yet that happened this year, but I don't really feel like reliving them tonight. I don't feel like going to those places. They're all too dark. Where I do feel like going is back to that night Dave and I had this past weekend. I can't stop thinking about it, how perfect and amazing it was. I miss him too much right now and I'm so sad that it's only monday night. I have a feeling that this week is going to be hard to get through for me. I just so wish I could be with him all the time. I wish we were back at school. I wish we were already living together. I wish we were already married. I wish we never had to be apart again. If there is one thing I have learned about myself and my relationship with Dave this past year, after it was tested so harshly with his potential illness and the confusion of the shootings, it's that I don't ever want to be without him. I don't ever want to lose him. If I did, I honestly don't think I would be able to handle it. It would break me completely. I know that I would never recover, not fully at least, and that scares me more than anything I've ever experienced. That godforsaken day when I thought I lost him, even for a half and hour, that was by far the most scarring and terrifying time of my entire life, and since then, I've had such a hard time being away from him. It's always been hard for me, but since them, I just get so overwhelmed with the thought of having to leave him, with the sensation of missing him; it's so intense and it shatters me down to the core. I just keep telling myself that there are only 5 1/2 weeks left until we leave for Florida and then after that, I shouldn't have to go through any more of these horrible breaks from him. That will be so relieving. I just love him so fully, so intensely, so completely, and I truly believe that he is my soul mate, my other half. The connection we have to each other is almost unbearable in its potency. I need him. I need to have him in my life or else I'm not even alive. I'm sleepwalking. His presence wakes me, his voice opens up my eyes and I'm living again. This year has taught me so much about the volatile nature of life, the way everything you know can be pulled out from under you in the span of a second, a blink, a heartbeat. I've realized that I can die; horrible things can happen to those I love; we are never truly safe. So what do you do? Cling to what you love until you inevitably have to say goodbye? You lose everything. One day, you will have lost everything. I'm not ready for that day.