organizing the chaos.

in one year

2012-01-11T17:05:01Z

On February 26, 2011, I wrote: I don't want to be alive.

On January 10, 2012, I declared: L'Chaim!

I've come pretty far.

Love and positivity

2012-01-03T02:45:09Z

2011 was the most difficult and best year of my life.

The last month was exceptionally good, in contrast to last year's depression.

To top it off, I met someone I could see myself marrying. Easily. Weird.

Saturday night

2011-11-09T19:32:37Z

He probably knew it the first time he laid eyes on me. Or at least he wished it.
I had been intrigued by it.

And, finally, I did it: I submit to him.
I told him to scratch my back, hard, with both hands.
And then, as it got unbearable, he asked me to say "Please."
Like the bratty switch I am, I said: "Thank you."
He didn't want my gratitude.
Reluctantly, but willingly, I said please.
And he hit me very hard.
I felt tears coming, and let him know.
I was about to make him very happy.
And it came. The water surfaced, with a bit of shame,
as it usually does. I whored myself out for him.
"Happy Fucking Birthday," I said.
He asked me to repeat it. "Happy Birthday."
I faced him, and he kissed me.
There's a first time for everything.

This will be fun to explore. "Fun" as in hard, but therapeutic. I do like to serve.
And he serves me. Sir.

"You are sadistic..."

2011-08-01T03:34:53Z

Yeah. That.

_mytimetoshine_ @ 2011-07-02T14:30:00

2011-07-02T18:30:45Z

"I look in the mirror everyday and I see a tranny. I don't need a trans march." - Patricia

I don't know

2011-06-28T06:49:01Z

I visited my grandmother with my mother the other day. It's getting really hard. She can barely talk.
I fed her spoonfuls of mush and cuddled my head on her shoulder. My mother says I'm the light of her life.

It really reminded me of when I visited my grandfather on his deathbed, and sang his Manitoulin song (yes, he recorded an album about Manitoulin Island...) with him, and afterwards had to leave the room because I was crying so badly. Though he could barely remember his own wife, he had me. And we had the music. It's in my veins. I was the light of his life, and he is the light of mine.

It still kills me. Precious moments, death. Kind people with tragic pasts. It's really hard for me to deal with.

I was able to not cry at the nursing home. I don't know if I can do it again. But I want to be there, feeding her, every day. I don't think I can do it again without crying.

Loneliness makes me sad. Not recording life moments makes me regretful, which makes me sad. Having to face life often makes me sad.

ps -

2011-04-16T15:28:22Z

I'm back. I got my mojo working. I am brimming with powerful sexual energy!

anthem rock

2011-04-16T15:24:41Z

Bought Aerosmith's Nine Lives second-hand because I was craving some arena rock, and I already loved "Pink" and "Falling In Love (Is Hard On The Knees)".

It seems that Steven Tyler regressed back to the 1960s during his time in rehab, because many of the arrangements on this album are taken straight from The Beatles. Nevertheless, I love it. It totally works.

Hole In My Soul - a fun ballad. Heartfelt.
Taste of India - a little "Within You Without You" crossed with "Brown Sugar".
Full Circle - "Amazing" reworked. Love it.
The Farm - samples The Wizard of Oz, so I gotsta love it. Some of the orchestral arrangements sound EXACTLY like George Martin's stuff. And they do the "I Am The Walrus" laugh at the end. This song sounds like a few Beatles songs -- a mix of Within You, The Walrus, and some Yellow Submarine George Martin orchestral arrangements. Fun.

Rock and roll is really my driving passion and happiness. I am finally going to stick to practicing guitar, because I can no longer not. I need to be able to express myself on this instrument! I see it as more fun than just discipline now. Yay. =)

That dark feeling which plagues me

2011-02-26T07:47:37Z

I am alone. Intensely lonely.

The real kind. The kind that Robert from A Quiet Mind tells me to feel, and detach from. And I do feel like a robot a lot of the time. But I have intense emotions that hurt. Most of the time. And recently, when I detach, I have absolutely nothing. I need intricate friends and family in my life. Yet I am alone, almost all the time. I am silenced, and scared. And when I am around people nowadays, I am reminded of the disconnect, and am disappointed in myself and my inability to be a content member of society, and tears come. Having to put this burden on my parents is the worst part. My dad cried the other day, when I cried. He said he had cried a couple times in the past, when I was really happy. This made me saddest of all.

I couldn't even decipher the symptoms that led to me crying (yet again, but in public, with my dad) the other day. [My face felt really hot. I thought: maybe I'm having an acidic reaction to the coffee. And then tears came. And they wouldn't stop. It was SO ODD.] I don't like it, and I get embarrassed. And it doesn't go away. The sadness. It never has. But disillusionment makes it a whole lot harder to live with.

And as I graduate from forced social environments, I start to lose hope. I have tried hard on this path of life. To find those people I knew must be in the wider world. I thought it would happen in University. It didn't really happen. I haven't connected with people. I haven't found the exceptional outcasts that I always (ever since kindergarden, pretty much) held out for. Nobody wants me. And it solidifies the ache: I don't want to be alive.

I want so badly to connect, and be seen. And appreciated. Loved. Supported.

I keep living, but I don't know what to do.

Fucking Valentine's Day

2011-02-15T03:54:17Z

I have finally realized why it has been so difficult to come up with qualities I like about them, and why it's difficult to write a love poem about them: because there aren't that many things.

It always takes me way too long to realize that I commit myself to extremely selfish people who are incapable of offering me the qualities that I need in order to be in a happy, healthy, loving relationship.

Next.

At least I know that there's hope for me, since I really know what I don't want.

Me Myself I - oooooohhhhhhhmmmmmmm

2011-01-30T10:57:46Z

Andrew told me that I seem happy. Not just because I'm with someone, but like, even if it was over, I'd be sad, but still confident in myself.

And yeah. I get it. Though I may be a bit unsure, I feel good about myself this year. I'm fucking awesome. Better than most. And though it can get hard -- it's going to be all right. =)

_mytimetoshine_ @ 2010-09-14T15:01:00

2010-09-14T19:01:20Z

I hate our celebrity culture. There are many other people in this world who deserve public admiration than movie stars. It can be fun to recognize someone you have seen onscreen before, but staring, asking for autographs, and making a big deal of seeing someone just because they're famous makes me cringe.

Then there's the new job.

Reasons why I might be a vampire

2010-09-07T03:49:01Z

- I have finally embraced my whiteness. I like it.
- The sun hurts my skin, and irritates my eyes.
- Large pupils.
- My body is often cold.
- I prefer to be a little bit cold.
- My favorite place to bite is on the neck. It's always been my most dominant fetish.
- The other day, I described that veiny hands and forearms are very sexy because they signal vitality and blood.
- The beauty of beef cuts at the meat counter.
- Pansexual.
- Velvet. Leather. Coats.

an ordinary wonder

2010-09-06T23:16:24Z

Both his parents are scientists.

The United States of Tara, Season 2 Episode 11, 15:02

2010-06-28T06:16:11Z

http://www.wisevid.com/play?v=8t_gqcfgA-tb (05:48 then 15:02)

This is one of the best scenes I have seen between two young gay characters.

This episode addresses the fear and loneliness so many people have in regards to opening up to others. I absolutely love the character Lionel. The actor plays him so perfectly, with a vulnerability and comic timing that is so fucking brilliant.

The episodes leading up to this are pretty great.

This show is getting too ridiculous for me (in regards to Tara), but Marshall and Lionel are just wonderful.

Back.

2010-04-09T05:40:07Z

Long absence. Come pretty far, but life still seems the same. Not really going anywhere right now. Needs change. I still find it difficult to make friends (only child loner thing), and haven't found anyone who wants to be sexual with me. I still might have that high school curse of people being intimidated by me. I might be 'that guy,' as illustrated by this lame Vampire Diaries quote.:

Stefan: I don't always.. fit in.
Matt: That's because you're 'that guy!'
Stefan: What guy?
Matt: The guy who seems like he has everything so, the people that don't, kind of run the other way.
Stefan: Is that what I seem like?!
Matt: Pretty much.
Stefan: Hmn.

Fuck. I want a queer relationship more than ever. Living with the mother now, whom I have been afraid of since the fiasco a couple summers ago. Yet I am stuck here.
I want to be queer and sexual and stuff. Which seems harder to attain than ever.
I kind of feel 'over' it, without ever having HAD it.
Lonely!

Beethoven is my homeboy.

2009-11-18T03:59:43Z

I'm having dreams about him, and he's in a fucking relationship.

Fuck my fucking life.

Fuck is such a satisfying word.

Crossroads of confusion.

2009-11-06T06:59:32Z

Incredibly intelligent people like me more and more as they get to know me.

How WEIRD!

My own preferences constantly boggle me.

I'll need to make some concrete decisions about my "direction" pretty soon.

... Still lost.

=)

2009-08-25T07:41:39Z

http://www.utoronto.ca/filmwoman/courses/INI323Y/323films.htm

I saw Tank Girl and Buffy The Vampire Slayer and got really, really happy.

I like my courses.

FUCK. ... Human.

2009-08-20T03:37:30Z

I AM SO FRUSTRATED

I could cry.

I want to pound the shit out of something.

I agreed to face my fear and (in order to convince someone else to face their fear) perform within the next two months. [If it scares me, I must do it. ... This is the scariest thing for miles.]

And I didn't even get to talk to you.

Coward.

[I know I have no right to complain; living in this world is incredibly difficult.]

I want to pound something.

I think it might be drag.

If I commit to a performance, it must be spectacular.

ps - Apparently, my anxiety has decreased 70%.
It is only because I am on a NEW LEVEL of challenging that it feels increased.
... Yay? (This fucking sucks...)

Calluses and ink indulge selfish pride.

2009-08-09T23:08:15Z

I shall spend the rest of the month practicing guitar, writing, drawing (START, dammit!), and reading detective fiction. It's my last English class to complete my Major. I think it shall be fun. Considering how popular the genre is... I have yet to read any!

I will start along the lines of:

* C. Auguste Dupin, created by Edgar Allan Poe, is widely considered to be the first fictional detective in English literature. He appeared in three short stories written in the 1840s: "The Murders in the Rue Morgue" (1841), "The Mystery of Marie Rogêt" (1842) and "The Purloined Letter" (1844).

* Whose Body? is a 1923 novel by Dorothy L. Sayers, which introduced the character of Lord Peter Wimsey.

* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_works_by_Agatha_Christie

I like someone.

2009-08-03T21:12:12Z

I don't even recall how we got to dancing, and um, kissing...
but I don't think I have ever been so synchronized with someone upon first bite.

And then I got scared because this has happened before and I know what the scene is like and I don't want to get hurt so I opened my mouth
and totally ruined it.

_mytimetoshine_ @ 2009-05-14T02:27:00

2009-05-14T06:28:44Z

I want to be wanted.

I need to work on my relationships.

Badly.

Whee

2009-05-05T14:43:19Z

I like having my own room to write exams in. Attractive graduate students wait on me. Done.

Whee:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-175006468841636088&ei=U0n_SardJaHO-AHwsMz9Aw&q=movie

SWINES

2009-05-01T14:56:23Z

The University has informed us:

http://www.crisis.utoronto.ca/pandemic/faq.htm