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July 17th, 2009
08:01 pm
Looking back, this blog is full of a lot of negativity.
To an extent it's a bit embarrassing.
But, I suppose it's a part of what makes me - me, right? :)
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May 5th, 2009
10:11 am
The more things change, the more things stay the same. It's almost pathetic that there are practically fifty songs that I have to avoid or I'll turn myself into an over analyzing mess for the next hour.
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September 5th, 2008
05:11 am
"When you lie awake at night,
is it me you're thinking of?
Or, how it used to be
and how much we were in love.
I wanna hold you close and tight,
love you with all my might.
I know where we should be.
It was always, it was always you and me."
A guy in John's band made some "softer" music, and these lyrics in particular kind of, just, fit.
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August 19th, 2008
12:18 am
The last entry was harsh. It is what I was feeling at the time, but pretty brutally honest. I have a lot of finding of myself to do.
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August 18th, 2008
09:15 pm
I don't know what to feel. I'm torn in a thousand different directions. One moment I'm angry at the world, the next all I can think about is how much I want you back. The next I'll swear that I'll hate you, and the next I'll hate myself for thinking I ever did.
I wish I knew where to direct my emotions. Me? You? Us? Our situation? Your broken promises? Mine?
This entry could go in a lot of directions.
I can't really control anything I feel. I feel so defenseless. I, for lack of a better term, really did put all of my eggs in one basket. I had everything riding on you, and that might not have been fair now that I think about it. The biggest pain for me, is that you didn't have everything riding on me. You were and are my baby. My gato. My bilingual laughter. I don't know how those can just go away.
I feel like such a fool. Why did I let myself fall again?
Why did you have to prove everyone in my life right? Everyone who doubted us and told me that I shouldn't be dating you. Everyone who I laughed at and thought that they were fools. Now I'm the fool.
I don't even want to be rude or guilt trip you in this post, but I just can't help it. I'm so angry, and even if my anger shouldn't be completely directed at you, it is. I don't want it to be. I'm sorry.
I don't know what to do with my life. That may seem like a typical thing to say in a situation like this...but I'm literally empty. It's like a huge driving force in my life just disappeared. Friendship isn't the same. Some day it'll be enough. That day isn't today or tomorrow.
It kills me how you can just move on with your life...you can move on like nothing happened. I know you don't feel that way, but I hate that you can be so strong when you need to be. I wish I had that. I need that now.
I can't stand it, but I still love you. I'm sorry for whatever I didn't do that I could have.
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July 28th, 2008
05:30 am
Annnnd, day one of working back at the old job.
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July 21st, 2008
01:40 am
One hundred percent certainty is non-existent.
Even clarity has become, slowly, an extreme rarity.
So, when it comes along, it's refreshing.
All of the bullshit going on, and an unexpected moment of clarity hits me. Sitting on the stoop at 1:30 in the morning after seeing a movie, I just stared at the sky. The sky, a dreamer's nightmare.
I wonder if pessimists know that the moon exists. How could they? With the moon and the stars everything comes full circle. I have the moon and the stars. So do you. So does she. I know that you see the same moon I do. I know we share the same fears. I know that we'd both give anything, except each other, for that one moment of clarity. The clarity that answers all of our questions. Clarity with such power that it throws away everyone and everything that seems to be betting against us.
100% dreamer and you're naive.
100% realist and you're bitter.
Who cares about being naive? Being naive allows you to not see the bullshit that everyone else is forced to. But, naturally, I can't rid myself of all realist thoughts. Even more difficult, the realist questions. It's impossible to answer a question that you've trained yourself to avoid.
But, I know one answer. And hell, it just might be the answer to all of those questions.
I love you.
I can't tell you what love is. We'll blame that on the dreamer. Love, in the most basic way that I can describe it, is the most complex of all natural human instincts. We don't know what it is or why it's there, but we feel it. We live it. Love is the dreamer's crutch and the realist's kryptonite. I wish I knew what to tell you. I wish I had all of the words in perfect order. But, there are still those three words. No matter the context of the sentence or conversation, when they refer to you, they're the only ones that fit.
One day, we'll figure it all out. We'll know exactly what to tell ourselves so that our bitterness fades. We'll have our plan mapped out so perfect that not one soul can call us naive.
But, until then, let's just dream. Let's just live in the stars, where they'll only play our favorite music.
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I miss you more than I thought I could. I'm here for you. I love you.
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July 8th, 2008
05:09 pm
Allllllrighty.
So, Joe got here around 10, and we went out to start to get a bunch of my shit sorted out. The first trip was the bank in EC, where I deposited my check and got money out for rent and the license reinstatement fee. Next was lunch at Arby's, where Joe got a call from someone about "free Massillon stuff." It's kind of complicated to explain (and by that, I mean it isn't, but I'm too lazy to do it), but it was a fairly hilarious situation. ALMOST as funny as Kinsey getting inappropriate things written all over his face when he passed out Friday night. Almost.
Anyway, I'm rambling.
After lunch, we went to the BMV. I knew going into the situation that any trip to the BMV is never a smooth one. When I first arrived, they told me that the truck that was in the "incident" on December 15th, 2007 was an '83 Chevy. Well, that was my old truck. She then asked me if I had switched the plates or was convicted of fraudulent plates when the "incident" occurred. Obviously, I wasn't, so I told her no. She then continued to argue with me that I must have switched the plates and put them on the '96 Ranger that was in the "incident."
I continued arguing back, letting her know that the '83 Chevy truck was left in Wisconsin many months before the '96 Ranger was ever in my possession, so it would be impossible for me to have switched the plates.
She stared at me as if I were stupid for a few more seconds, before asking me to sit down while she got the document from the court stating that the '83 Chevy was the vehicle I was driving during the "incident." After a few minutes, the report was faxed over, and, "KAZAM!," it turns out that I was driving a '96 Ford Ranger.
Now, thinking that everything was resolved, I went into the back room to pay my fees and all of that happy shit. Well, while back there she asked me if I had insurance when I was pulled over. I did, so I said yes. At the time of the "incident" I didn't provide proof of insurance because I simply didn't have it on me, although I was currently insured at the time. She had my call my insurance company, and they faxed what seemed like a book (despite being asked to only fax 1 page) to the BMV, and that was that.
In fact, it turned out that showing that I had insurance actually took $125 off of my fine and makes it so that I don't have to carry an SR-22 form for a year. This basically means my insurance prices wont be as completely fucked as I originally thought they would be. They'll go up quite a bit, undoubtedly, but not as much. So, yay for good news, right? This is the first good news I've had about this situation in awhile, so it's pretty refreshing.
My new reinstatement fee came to $425. Shitty, but better than I was expecting.
Now, obviously, the BMV couldn't just give my my license back. I didn't have the proper forms of ID. So, Joe and I walked about 7-8 blocks over to the Health Department so that I could get a copy of my Birth Certificate, and then about 9-10 blocks back to his car. It is extremely nice outside, but definitely hot. The exercise was good, and I may have actually gotten a little color on me (although later Lanie pointed out how extremely white I was, so maybe not). I needed 2 forms of ID, and Joe remembered that I had a passport, so we went back to my house to get it.
Since I needed to go to Wal-Mart after the next trip to the BMV, Joe and I decided to go to the BMV on route 62. When we got there, I picked a number. I was number 66, and they were just calling number 52. So, after a good wait, they told me that both my Birth Certificate and Passport are both "primary" forms of identification, and I needed a secondary form. They wouldn't accept my military ID because it is expired. Sadface. :(
So, at this point we had been out for about 4 hours going through the run-around, so we decided to go to Wal-Mart, where I needed to do some grocery shopping. After about an hour of grocery shopping slash bullshitting with Lanie, Joe finally brought me home. Thursday I'm going to get my social security card (and hoping it doesn't take a few days to obtain), and then going and getting my license.
Then next is car shopping and job hunting.
I apologize for the insanely long, insanely boring blog post. :) But, if you read it this far, it's your own fault. <3
Annnnnnd now, it's still really hot and I have to piss. :(
[Late Addition]
I'm currently obsessed with "Mr. Brightside" - by The Killers.
I know it's kind of an old song, but it's struck me weird lately. Good song. <3
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July 1st, 2008
08:14 pm
Ok, I'm back from Argentina. I was hoping that would be the end to my bad news (aside from the whole "having a shitload of stuff to do" thing), but, it isn't.
I started to feel bad on Friday night in Argentina. I couldn't get much sleep and woke up the next day with a headache. I didn't think much about it, but it progressively got worse and worse. It got worse in the airport, and it became terrible on the plane ride from Buenos Aires to Dallas/Fort Worth. When John picked me up, I felt like maybe I was starting to feel better, but I really wasn't.
I went home and all I could do was lie in my bed and try to sleep. I would have a fever, and then be shivering. My body was extremely weak. It seemed like it was difficult to do easy shit. It hurt to try and swallow any food or liquid. I let this go on the rest of Sunday and most of the day Monday, until I eventually called Joe and had him take me to stat-care. Turns out I have strep throat. Yay, right?
I feel a bit better from the medication already, and they gave me vicodin to help with any pain. So, I'm starting to feel better, but I still feel pretty weak, and there is still a lot of pressure and sensitive sensations in my head. But, hopefully that will more or less be gone in a week.
I guess the only plus side to being so sick is that it hasn't really allowed me to focus on anything for any significant period of time. But now, more and more, I continue to think about Milena. It's definitely difficult that we don't get to see each other very often. But, the trip just helped make everything stronger. Plus, on the plane ride out of Buenos Aires, I sat next to a girl whose boyfriend lives in Argentina. They were going to try and stay together. All of her fears and worries reminded me so much of myself (and Milena) around that same time in our relationship in January. It was nice to be able to tell her about how everything has worked out with Milena and I, and it was also a good measuring stick for myself.
I don't really have those fears anymore. Sure, there's sadness. Truckloads of sadness. But, the fear is virtually all but gone. That's something that is comforting, and it makes me feel a lot more secure about where we stand, knowing that I don't fear the things I once did.
So, now starts another long haul. Another 6-7 months of not getting to be with her. But another 6-7 months closer to being with her permanently. Everything will work out in the end. And, I'm sure it wont take long to figure out the fine details. As for now, we know where we stand. And as for me, I have a shitload of stuff I need to get taken care of in the next few weeks. Hopefully I'll feel significantly better soon.
<3
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June 18th, 2008
12:25 am - "Countdown Complete"
Time is tricky. It's always slow when you are caught in its grasp, but when it has finally passed, it feels like it went by too fast.
Tomorrow I leave for Argentina. Well, today actually. I'm pumped. 10 days of indescribable happiness. A new adventure. A new chapter in the book. Life can be extremely rewarding if you let it.
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