urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_mybestfriend My Best Friend My Best Friend 2005-06-03T09:00:17Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_mybestfriend:423 2005-06-03T07:23:10Z 2005-06-03T09:00:17Z <b>Date:</b> September 15, 2005<br /><b>Time:</b> 11:41 AM<br /><br />My best friend is this guy - this drum-playing, girl-attracting, brother-loving rockstar guy. I like my best friend a lot...a lot more than I should, and the other day I basically told him that I'm in love with him. I haven't spoken to him since - he hasn't spoken to me since, rather. But that's okay...I understand. He's going through a lot right now.<br /><br />My boyfriend is this guy - this gorgeous, caring, understanding, thoughtful, intelligent, courageous guy. I love my boyfriend, too. I <i>think</i> I'm in love with him, but I've had feelings for my best friend for so long that it's kind of hard to let go of him. My boyfriend knows all of this, though, and he has accepted me for who I am, and he's truly amazing. I'm lucky to have him in my life.<br /><br />Hey, World. My name is Jason, and I'm gay. I still almost laugh every time I say that - or write it, or type it, or <i>think</i> it, even. It took me nineteen years to finally admit it to myself. Can you believe that? Nineteen years! I mean...deep down I always knew, but I wouldn't let myself believe it, so instead, I pretended to like girls. I touched <i>lots</i> of vaginas in nineteen years - not something <i>anyone</i> should be proud of, might I add, and I didn't enjoy it at all. I was always thinking of that damned best friend of mine.<br /><br />I wish he would call me, you know? Just to talk about stupid stuff like we used to. Those were the good ol' days - the days before he found out that I love him more than a best friend should love another best friend. Do you think he even <i>considers</i> me his best friend anymore? I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't. He doesn't tell me anything anymore. But oh, if he would! If he would stop by like he used to...I wouldn't even care if he lay down on my couch and cried about the love of his life like he used to. I just wish he would <i>be</i> here so I could look at that face and offer him Dr. Pepper and smile and make him feel better like I used to. I guess there are a lot of "used tos" with my best friend, though.<br /><br />I can't believe I'm actually sitting here, typing this, getting ready to post it in my online journal for the world to see. My best friend would <b>KILL ME</b> if he knew, and my boyfriend might just freak out, too - not as badly though because he's more understanding.<br /><br />Why? I'm serious...I want to know <i>why</i>, if my boyfriend is more <i>everything</i> - more tolerant, more understanding, more caring, why can't I love him like I love my best friend? Do you think that maybe, one day, I'll learn to love him like that? Surely I will, right? Once I get over my childhood crush? I mean...this guy, my boyfriend...he's <i>perfect</i>.<br /><br />Anyway, like I was saying, they would kill me...so...do me a favor if you decide to read this journal. Don't tell them about it, okay? I really don't want them to know because I'm scared of what they'd do if they knew what's truly going on in my head these days.<br /><br />I'm going to make the rest of my entries friends only - it would be really stupid to write in this journal every day and refer to the people in my life by aliases like "my best friend" and "my boyfriend," right? But I don't want to use their names if I risk them reading it, so add me to your friends list, and I'll add you back.<br /><br />'Til we meet again.