So I'm back in Wellington. I'm having a pretty bad time. I'm crying all the time, every day, including in public.
I miss Robbie so much and I love him so much, being away from him is driving me crazy.
I feel really alone and isolated. When I'm in Christchurch I just feel like I have no real friends, because the friends I do have are either all Robbie's friends as well, or I hardly ever see them, only about once a month do we manage to get together. I've been thinking about my 21st, and how sombre the party will be, with hardly anyone there. It doesn't help that here in Wellington my parents are both working and I'm alone all day. The only people I regularly see in Wellington are Cara and Vita, and there's only so much time I can spend with them without driving them crazy.
I also think worrying about my future is contributing. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do if I don't get into audiology which, as we know, is hard to get into. I'm also  worried about my student debt which is surely set to increase, so I was thinking that next year I'll get a part time job, and hopefully that'll cut 3 or 4 grand a year off my loan.
I've got a lot of study to get done these holidays, and I'm behind because I've been spending a lot of my time moping around and crying instead of actually doing my work.
I'm just so upset all the time, it's horrible.
I just want to be happy and relax and enjoy my holiday but instead I'm suffering waiting for it to be over.
Cara wisely suggested that I'm unhappy because I have time to think about all the little things in life that make me unhappy. And they all bear down on me and become too much.
Which sounds likely, but I don't know how I'm going to get through the next two and a bit weeks.
It seems nearly impossible when I'm just so upset all the time

 So Robbie and I went to the Botanic Garden today. It was a beautiful day. We've decided that we're not going to have take-aways for a month. It's going to be really hard, but I've been feeling really unhappy with myself lately. We took a picnic of sandwiches and chocolate yogurt and carrots, but my jaw has been shockingly bad lately and I couldn't open my mouth properly to chew it. It sucked. Stupid carrot.
Life is hard, it seems like endless work and stress.
I saw a really good movie the other day Perfume: The Story of a Murder. You should go see it.
I'm going to have stirfry for dinner tonight, my flat aren't allowing me to do food with them, so my costs have just gone up a fair bit, but on the bright side, at least now the food will be really good, even without take-aways. :(
I have to get back to the never-ending study soon.

I have absolutely massive blisters on the soles of my heels, and it sucks, they get bigger any time I walk anywhere!
I got fish n chips for lunch today, I sat at a bus stop at about 1.30 in the afternoon, basking in the sun and generally having a good time with my deep fried food.
I'm exhausted and headachey and tired and I just want to sleep for a week but I can't stop yet.
I'm planning on getting my eyebrows professionally shaped next week, fun fun!
Uni is ok, but hard, but interesting.
I feel better now that the sun is out and shining. The crying spells have stopped, and I just feel bouncier and like I want to participate more. I wonder if I'm one of those people who gets depressed in winter.
I've started scratching really badly again, but not as badly as I was. I'm not drawing blood on a daily basis.
I'm going to an emo party this weekend. It sounds a lot of fun, and hopefully it will get rid of some of the tension.
Things in the flat seem to be at a steady rate at the moment, not worse, not better.
My mum sent me this really cute card with a new keyring as well. I was excited.
I wonder if I'll make any new friends.

The first week back was ok, I wasn't feeling too bad. But since then it's been pretty shitty. I'm going to get a lock on my door to stop them coming into my room several times a day to turn things off at the wall. For people so enthused about cleaning you'd think they'd not keep masses of rotting food in the fridge, which I have to empty out regularly. I just threw out some raw uncovered meat that had been in the fridge since thursday. The worst of it at the moment is dinner time, when they eat dinner shut away in Alisa's room, to shut themselves off from me, so I have to eat by myself.

Yesterday when I got home at 11 in the morning the door was still deadbolted and I had to bash  on the door for several minutes just to get into my own house. Alisa removed the deadbolt, but didn't even open the door, and went straight back to her room without even looking at me. I think they stayed in bed all day and now, they're only starting to get up now, at midday the next day.

It's driving me crazy and making me depressed at the same time. But because Shaye is talking to me less, that means she's not getting angry and yelling at me as much.

I hate living here.

I went shopping yesterday, 'twas fun, good to get out of the house too. I got some new clothes. I also popped my car tire on this huge piece of concrete hidden under a bush next the the drive. The party I went to last night was good fun and I really enjoyed it. Which makes a nice change. The diet's being going ok at the moment. I rearranged my room again.

Today is my birthday! I'm now 20, and it feels so old.
I got some great gifts from Robbie, my flatmates and my parents.
No socks though.
We're having pizza for dinner, the one food I could never give up, it rates higher than chocolate.
My Royo, cd and teapot collections have all gotten larger. I got a new camera, a fluffy hotty cover and some DKNY perfume.
Robbie made a treasure hunt for me that involved a website.
I'm looking forward to the rest of the week too.

I am so badly organised it's not even funny. I have a test and 2 assignments due in the next 2 days, and I haven't really started on any of it *cries*. yes I'm aware this is my own fault, but it's still not fun at all.

I had to make dinner for myself last night, while my flatmates went out to the Speights Alehouse without me. I had fried tomato, mushroom and bacon on toast. It was pretty damn delicious. 

I have craft night this evening with Lydia and Katie, at 8pm, so I have some time to do a little Ling, and do all my Spanish hopefully before hand, and I can do a little Ling after, and of course at the last minute tomorrow morning.

I've made the switch to predictive text.

So yeah I've been feeling really excluded lately, and like I am an annoyance or a burden to my flatmates. There has been some crying on my part over it, and general bitterness and bitching. I just feel isolated and alone, and like their insane demands affect my quality of life, the worst of it being the food issues considering how food is my biggest passion and all. I really need the break so I can have some breathing space.

It's our 6 month anniversary today. I told him I didn't want to do anything for it, and then I made him a card with a piece of driftwood I had found and kept from when we first started dating and I told him about my scars. I think he really liked it. When I gave it to him I started playing tetris to stop myself from crying. It was a good day for our relationship.

I had a dream last night, actually I had several, but this is by far the most interesting of them. I was swooning around (uni or somewhere , not really sure where, but I was comfortable there) and I spotted Clare, however Clare was now an emo boy. I wanted to yell out to get her attention so I could talk to her, but I didn't want to call her Clare in case here new emo boy friends didn't know she used to be a girl, but one of them saw me struggling and got her attention. She had red hair and a  long black trench-coat. I told her she was good at science, but I kept trying to talk about myself, and her emo companion was mocking me about it. It was odd to say the least.

I bought 2 new Selina Fenech cross stitch patterns, and some new magazines, so I am drowning in stitchy happiness right now.

That's about it.

I haven't said anything in an age. I might do a cross stitch update soon. School is good, LING is VERY good at the moment. Holidays just started really. My parents are visiting tomorrow, and I think I am going to go back to WGTN for a few days, so you guys better watch out for me.

I'm really broke right now and alone. No one else is here right now, but that will hopefully change soon. We got a gas heater, because we are so cool, so now instead of freezing to death we bask in the glory of the flame.

I'm just alright. Pretty average really. Not depressed, not particularly happy either. My sleep has been pretty good though. I have 4 Luis Royo books now! for those of you who care. I got this sweet debit plus card which works like a credit card, but only uses money already in your account, so online shopping just got that much easier.

I'm going to cook pasta for dinner, should be tasty, couldn't really afford much else. Plus I've been eating so badly my skin is a mess, and my clothes just don't fit that well anymore.

SO looking forward to being back in WGTN for a few days anyway.

I just had to share, we discussed tattoo options for my really bad scar. He suggested a little wolf on a hill howling at it so it's like a moon. Maybe some bats flying around it. I like the wolf better, it seems so perfect, and I love that we talked about it in a serious way that didn't make me feel dirty or guilty. I feel so good right now.