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jessica *soon-to-be* mccrary
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| good news, and bad.. |
[19 Jan 2006|02:40am] |
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mood |
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well, this entry is gonna be good and bad. ill start with the bad first..
okay, like a year ago.. i got caught shoplifting from Walmart. it was really stupid i know. but i was arrested and after going to court, i was put on 11 months, 29 days probation. well, halfway through my probation.. i wasnt able to come up with the money anymore every month so i stopped going. then i got into a depression so i didnt give a fuck. i ended up being in the wrong place at the wrong time long story short (i was in the car with a friend, he got pulled over, they searched the car and found stolen property) so i was arrested with him for aggravated burglary. sucks, huh? yeah, well i got out of jail and of course moved in back with Jay. then a month after i got out, my friend kathryn called me and told me i was in the computer as havin a warrant for violation of probation. (for gettin a new charge) anyway, ive been pretty much ignorin it since because i originally wanted to have the baby first and worry about all that later.
well, heres where the good comes in.. tonight, my dad took me out to dinner and told me that if i turned myself in and got the warrant taken care of, whenever i DID get out of jail, he'd buy me a car, get me an apartment and do whatever he could to get me on my feet again. so ive decided that tommorow im gonna turn myself in. so im goin to jail. i aint gonna lie, im scared. i dont know if ill be in there for a week or a year. but im gonna do it. because its the only way someone -- anyone, will help me. then, i called Jay when i got home and he came over.. i told him, and he was SO supportive. he cried with me and told me how much he didnt want me to. but i told him there wasnt anything he could do about it. anyway, so i dont know when ill be on here next.. dont delete me. i need alot of prayers right now though fo real. so whatever you believe in, pray to it for me.
if you want to, or have time - you can go to this website here -> http://www.shelby-sheriff.org/inmateinfo/kiosk/index.php , type in my name (Jessica Miller) and check to see my status (if im still in jail, or got out). if you want, you guys can write me.. the address there would be Jessica Miller, #(when you go to that website above, youll get my booking number.. put that there), 6201 Haley Road, Memphis, TN 38134.
anyway, as a last lil thing.. follow the cut and theres some pics of me and Jay.
( i aint mad at cha..Collapse )
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| life sucks right now.. |
[17 Jan 2006|01:38am] |
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mood |
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i know, i know.. ive been a very bad LJ updater but im gonna get better. i promise. well, jay and i are having some problems. we got into it last wed. because he's always gone. i dont know if he's cheatin on me or what but its really hard for me because im a big fat 6 month pregnant mess. so i need alot of attention, and hes just not givin it. i mean, what else can i do? i got him a job with my dad, my dad bought him a car.. its like damn, show SOME appreciation, yanno? i just want us to be okay, because i really do love him. anyway, long story short -- i moved out of his mama's house. its just too much. so now im stayin with my grandma for a lil while until i find an apartment but the biggest question -- is he movin in? i dont know. i love him but im in constant pain with him neglectin me. heres a letter i wrote to him tonight..
Jay, once again, im sittin here not knowing exactly what to say. Look, this is gonna be my last attempt to salvage whatever it is we have. The first question I have for you is, is it even worth it to you anymore? Because if its not, theres no need to talk about all this, you might as well rip this letter up and let me start trying to get over you so I wont be in such constant pain. It IS worth it to me. I love you so much, It rips apart my soul to think that all this time you arent at the house, youre with another woman but thats the only thing I can think of to (a)where you could be all that time and (b) why it seems like you not only dont love me anymore but dont even seem to CARE about me or how I am. Saturday was so great. After that night, I seriously thought shit was gonna work out with us. It might be easy for some people to just leave people they love but to me - you can erase someone from your mind, but getting them out of your heart is a different story. I know you arent perfect, + I cant claim to be either, but please believe me when I say I want to be by your side, to hold your hand, to treasure you everyday, to be next to you to be held close to your heart now & for the rest of my living years, to comfort you, dry your tears and calm your most frightening fears, to help you fight your battles. Where you used to be, there is a hole in my world. Which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. I want to be your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye. Multiply it by infinity, take it to the depths of forever and youll only have a glimpse of how much I love you. In the past week, I've really changed the way I react to shit and how I treat you. But I feel SO disregarded and not even cared about. Someone told me before that nothing worthwhile is ever east and nothing easy is ever worthwhile. What I have with you is worth it. It is worth every lonly night, every tear I cry from missing you, and the pain I feel from not having you close. It is worth it because you are my one and only. When I picture myself years from now, I only see you. No matter how painful distance can be, NOT having you in my life would be worse. You could make a list of demands and I'd do everything for you to keep us together. But thats only if you feel its worth it and still want it. Jay, dont be afraid of showing your feelings, be afraid of regretting it when you dont. SHOW your feelings. Real and raw. Even if your feelings will hurt me, show them. I want to know and understand. BEcause you learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry. I dont even want to say I miss you. But, deep inside, I do because I'm afraid you might see through and know how much fear I have if I lost you. But the truth is, when I'm far away, I'm still with you, when my eyes are closed, I still see you. When I'm awake, I'm still dreaming of you, when I feel I have everything, I still want you. I know its alot but youre my world. But this is the last time I'm gonna open up like this to you - you need to make the decision of you either WANT what im tryin to give you or you dont. If you dont, tell me. Then we can start relatin to eachother as parents but I'd need to close my emotions for you - not that they wont be there, but I cant keep getting hurt. I'll always love you. and I could never forget you. Not only because of Jayda but trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone youve never met. Impossible. Well, there it is - all of my feelings out there, just let me know how you feel. I love you. - Jess
well, ill keep yall updated. oh, heres a pic of Jay.. its his mugshot from when he was in jail, so its shitty. he looks better in real life, but ill be the first to admit he aint just all THAT.. but hes sexy to me.
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| baby i must confess -- we were bigger than anything.. |
[03 Dec 2005|01:12pm] |
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mood |
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whats up ladies?! guess whos back? some of you might know me from my former journal, _downasschick. but im just getting back to having a computer accessible to use so im gonna start off fresh. right now im using an old layout until i can download PSP and make a new one with new pictures. i dont have time to make a real update but i wanted to get SOMETHIN down here. so ima just talk about myself (haha, what i do best!)
my name is Jessica. i turned 20 on October 16th.. ive had a real rough year. ive been in jail twice this year for shit that didnt have alot to do with me, possession charges that werent mine and a wrong place at the wrong time charge for aggravated assault. i am engaged as of 7-15-05. my fiance's name is Jay. he is black. (if you couldnt tell, im white) and is a local rapper here in Memphis that goes by Playa Jay. (henceforth, the user name) his shit gets spins on the local radio and right now im helpin him send out his demos to hopefully get picked up by a major label. the great thing about Jay is that music is his passion and his dream but he also holds down a full time job to support us. we are currently living with his mama in the heart of North Memphis (throw ya thumbs up!! haha) he is the best thing that has happened to me. i am also pregnant with both of our first baby.. im due April 14th, 2006. a lil bit of my background, my mother committed suicide when i was 13 and ive pretty much been independent on my own since. im very close to my grandma as well as my 15 year old little sister. im pretty normal though. i like goin to Jay's shows, clubs, other rapper's shows. Young Jeezy is currently who gets the most spin time on my sterio. (LETS GET IT!) well, this is all i have time for but for those of you who used to go to my _downasschick journal, i missed yall! and im gonna catch up on yalls lives REAL soon!
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