if you left it up to me, every day would be a holiday from real.

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 06:12:51 GMT

I miss all my friends living super close to me.

We used to all be really close together and now I'm the only one left. I seriously miss being able to see anyone at the drop of a hat. We used to have so much fun. We were all so spontaneous.

A friend of mine just called me and he was like, "I'm sitting outside in my backyard and it's nice outside. You should come over." And granted, he lives in Lincoln, which is only 15 minutes away but it's 11 o'clock at night and that's a long way when your alarm goes off at 6:15. So I was like "Ugh, no. You come here." And he was like "Ugh. No. Far."

Bah.

One of my very best friends used to live right down the street and now she lives almost an hour away and I miss her like she moved across the country. I miss spontaneous trips to Wal-Mart and just walking around our neighborhood together and laughing and talking in our stupid voice. I miss her being right there if I need her, and sometimes I just really do.

I miss everyone being so accessible. Growing up sort of sucks.

Also, I can't sleep.

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 21:35:59 GMT

What the hell is it with old people and Olive Garden? I just had lunch there with Frank and Melinda and it was like a freaking retirement center. So many old people! But mmm, neverending pasta. I'm pretty sure they're trying to make me gain all my weight back, Baker Ben's last night and now PASTA.

They might go to Disneyland with me and silentwhyte in October! Whee!

Now I'm back at work. Bah. I have my kickboxing class after work and I'm so tired. OH WELL.

It's like one month to the return of Supernatural. I NEED MY SHOW BACK. *grabby hands*

and the postcard's gonna read: fuck yeah, we could live like this.

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 06:23:17 GMT

This weekend was a blast and a half.

Well, Thursday was my mom's birthday, so 26 people gathered at BJ's to celebrate. Heather and Jason both came, and I gotta say, it was really fucking amazing to hang out with them at the same time again. And then after that, a smaller group of us went bowling at Strikes. And then I crashed at Chateau de Webber (aka Heather's grandma's house) and went to work the next day on 4 hours sleep. Friday night was spent catching up on sleep.

Saturday Frank and Gilbert came and picked me up and we took full advantage of my mom's position of power at the waterpark. We got passes for the slides and the three of us spent hours playing. It's been like, 2 years since I went in the waterpark even though I get free access to it whenever. But around 7 Melinda met up with us and we ate crappy arcade food and got passes for Nite Slides. Sadly Melinda wasn't a huge fan of the slides so it was narrowed down to the three of us for the rest of the night. We went on the Storm Rider like 6 times because that's one we could all go on together, and all three of us completely fucked up our ankles on the Dark Hole. After we got out of the water, we met back up with Melinda and played Lazer Tag against a team of kids and we got our asses handed to us. It was sort of embarrassing. Then we did Go-Karts and wasted tons of free tokens in the arcade. Bare feet + running on cement all day + DDR = Ow.

After we left we met up with Heather and we trekked out to Frank's house. Melinda had to work so she went to bed and Gilbert passed out so me, Frank, and Heather went to Jack in the Box and cruised around Lincoln at 2 AM. That's what the cool kids do, right? Cruise? Yeah.

Then Heather went home and I crashed on Frank and Melinda's couch. And I gotta say, passing out on a leather couch in August is not awesome.

Today Melinda was working so Frank and I tagged along with Gilbert to run some errands and he eventually kicked Frank and I out at this little Chinese food place and we got lunch. Frank and I talked a lot. We were always good at the talking thing. I remember nights way back when, when he would knock on my window in the middle of the night and we'd hang out in my driveway until I had to go to school.

But then we walked to the park and Melinda met up with us and I just hung around their house until I couldn't put off going to my office and putting in some overtime against my will.

But yes, fun. Note to self: Lunch with Frank at Lucille's Tuesday. Make reservation. (I will forget.)

And now, I will cap off this insane entry with some thinky thoughts:

I'm content right now, which is always good. It was a gorgeous day, and there really is nothing like sitting in the grass or driving around with friends and just being alive. I sometimes believe spontaneity is the key to youth. Especially these days when my life seems to be controlled by work schedules and deadlines and bills and budgets and appointments and responsibility. It's good not to live by a time clock, if even for a day, if even all you're doing is spontaneously lounging in the grass. People never seem to stop moving these days, and I'm afraid one day I'll look back and realize I missed something really fucking important because I couldn't stop thinking about the next step. It's good to think about the future, even dream about it, but you can never forget where you came from or the people you met along the way. Maybe nostalgia is another key to youth, because remembering who you were helps keep you young, keeps you from getting so grown up and responsible that you can't enjoy the little things that life throws your way.

Existentialism is not a key to youth, but it is apparently the theme of this entry.

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 06:31:04 GMT

This weekend was pretty cool. Nostalgic.

Saturday night I got a call from my friend Frank, who I've known for years but we've sort of drifted until recently. And I met up with him and his girlfriend Melinda and Heather and some other people. Then I went to Frank and Melinda's house and Gilbert and Tim were there and we watched Blades of Glory and hung out until like, 4 AM. I drove home just because I didn't wanna crash on a couch.

And then Sunday I was woken up at noon by Frank and he, Melinda, and Gilbert came and picked me up and then we had lunch at this pizza place, and then we went shopping at the Folsom outlet mall. I got this awesome pair of Chuck Taylors for 17 bucks. And then we had ice cream and went to Fry's. And then we went back to Frank and Melinda's for awhile and then went to Sunsplash where we met up with Tom and played a rousing game of miniature golf. Then we went to Sonic and I just got home.

We have plans to go to the waterpark next weekend, yay!

This entry was of no interest to any of you guys, but I just wanted to document the fact that sometimes I do have a life! Awesome.

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 08:57:50 GMT

Tagged by likeknives, the whore.

• People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs & replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

• Tag 8 people to do this quiz & those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who tagged them & cannot tag the person who tagged them. Continue this game by sending it to other people on Live Journal.

1. How has LJ changed your life?
I was 15 when I got my first livejournal, five years ago back when no one knew what the fuck it was and you had to have an invite code and shit, good times. I had no idea what fandom was, and I had like 10 people on my flist, and they were all people I knew in real life. I just went back and read the entries on the old one, and god damn was I an emo little shit. I don't even want to link it here because it's too embarrassing. Anyway, that journal got abandoned and I got this new one when I got into the Queer as Folk fandom four years ago. And now I'm in the Supernatural fandom, and livejournal is a HUGE part of my life.

2. What do you do before bedtime?
Uh, check livejournal? And I usually spend way too much time picking a DVD to put in when really it's just going to be used as background noise when I fall asleep.

3. What is your favorite meal?
Uh, tough one. There's this southern BBQ chicken plate at this restaurant called River Belle Terrace at Disneyland. Maybe that.

4. What is the ONE place you want to go to before you die if you had the money and the time?
Again, tough one. But then again I am half asleep. I would road trip all over the country, if that counts.

5. Are you a big perv?
Uh, yeah. To like an insane degree.

6. What do you do in your free time?
Read, write, SLEEP, watch television, dick around on the internet.

7. Do you trust easily?
No, not really.

8. What personal belonging do you have with you everywhere you go?
My cell phone goes everywhere with me. When I shower, it rests on the sink. I have to buy workout pants with pockets so I can be on the elliptical and still have my phone. It's sort of sad.

9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
Yes, but I'm not going to go into it because it's probably predictable and boring.

10. What is your best quality?
My sense of humor, even though some people don't get it.

11. Is being tagged fun?
Not especially.

12. How do you see yourself?
Full of potential. Also? Full of laziness.

13. Do you prefer rain or snow?
Rain.

14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
Super hot and AWESOME.

15. Poor but loved, or rich but hated?
Love makes the world go round.

16. How many children do you want?
Two. One for each eye.

17. What's better; to give or to receive?
There's something to be said about both.

18. What do you feel about sex without love?
It's not really for me.

19. Name a song you were obsessed with in your teens.
I Woke Up In a Car by Something Corporate.

20. What would you name yourself if you'd been born the opposite gender?
Uh. Logan. I have no idea why I have such a fascination with that name.

Tagging: I'm a rebel so I'm not tagging anyone. HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 06:16:31 GMT

Does anyone have that Smashing Pumpkins song from the Watchmen trailer?

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 04:22:41 GMT

Jack's Mannequin released a new EP to tide fans over until the release of their new album in September. The EP contains what will be the first single off of the album, The Resolution, and seriously, this band continues to blow my fucking mind.

Jack's Mannequin - The Resolution

There’s a lot that I don’t know
There’s a lot that I’m still learning
When I think I’m letting go
I find my body is still burning

And you hold me down
And you got me living in the past
Come on and pick me up
Somebody clear the wreckage from the blast

I’m alive
And I don’t need a witness
You know that I survived
I’m not looking for forgiveness
Yeah I just need light
I need a light in the dark as I search for the resolution

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 00:00:13 GMT

Ack. So apparently the filter I created to limit the communities on my day to day flist fails, because all the people I've recently added didn't get added to that filter. So if I friended you awhile ago, and I just now start randomly commenting, that's why.

In other news, tonight I'm being dragged to a Body Sculpting class at my new gym by a co-worker. I sense great physical pain in my future. I already took a Spin class on Friday, and my ass has yet to recover. Spin class was invented as a form of torture, I'm sure. (But I plan on going again, because apparently I am masochistic.)

And then, tonight I plan on watching the new Harold and Kumar movie (which I rented from one of those machines over a week ago, shoved into my tote bag, and promptly forgot about) and trying to get some writing done. I wonder if either of those two things will happen. Who knows!

Alright. 4:59. Work over in 30 seconds. Time for the physical and psychological torture that I'm sure is Body Sculpting.

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 05:53:14 GMT

I just walked in on my little brother with a girl. That was a first.

And like, he's 16. He's cute and he makes little girls swoon so it's not like I wasn't aware that he was probably getting some hanky panky.

But he's my little brother! I changed his diapers and helped him learn how to read and drove him to his boy scout meetings! Now he's a big angsty teenager that hates the world and is allergic to real conversation and gets busy with girls in the garage.

Where the hell does all the time go?

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 00:06:38 GMT

So I finished Breaking Dawn. And, um. WTF?

Sat, 02 Aug 2008 08:00:36 GMT

OKAY GUYS. IT'S 12:59 AM AND I AM OFFICIALLY MIA UNTIL I FINISH BREAKING DAWN.

Which knowing me will be like noon.

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 19:43:10 GMT

Okay. I will seriously give my first born to whoever can get me a copy of Photoshop. I lost it in the Great Vista Debacle of 08 and I reeeeally need it.

*looks pretty* *uses puppy Sam icon*

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 06:33:57 GMT

Anyone that knows me knows that I love the band Jack's Mannequin. They are by far my favorite band. They have been for years, and they always will be. Musicians come and go, but not Andrew. It's been seven years since I first heard him sing, and I only love him more as time goes on. The singer/songwriter Andrew McMahon has been a personal hero to me for years now. I've always wanted to meet him. And not just because he's pretty, or to get his autograph, but so I can give him a hug and thank him for sharing his music with the world. He has gotten me through really some really difficult periods in my life. I have found courage and strength in his music and he has really inspired me. Last night, I got the chance to say thank you in person after seeing him and his amazing band perform live for the second time.

Andrew McMahon and I. July 28th, 2008. Reno, NV.

I'll write a more detailed account tomorrow, including how I was shaking much I couldn't even hold my camera or how my eyes welled up with tears as soon as we started walking back to the car, or how my cheeks still ache from all the grinning I did afterwards.

Below is a short video of our initial meeting. It's about 40 seconds long and the first 20 or so is basically me trying not to have a panic attack and my friend trying to figure out if the camera is recording. Haha. But then, we meet! And we hug!

I'm so glad I was able to calm down afterwards so I could actually talk to him. And I showed him my foot, where I have a lyric from one of his songs tattooed and he said that was really fucking cool, and then he signed a poster for me and we hugged again! And I might have professed my love during that second hug but I was running on pure adrenaline and could barely breathe.

And you know what they say about meeting your idols and being disappointed? Completely not true in Andrew's case. He is seriously one of the sweetest people I have ever met, celebrity or not. It is so plainly obvious that he loves what he does, and he genuinely cares about his fans and is eager to meet them. No fancy meet and greet passes that you have to win or pay out of the ass for, just him hanging out by his tour bus with a smile. If anything, I admire him even more now. Oh, Andrew. You make my heart beat faster. ♥

Seriously. Dream come true.

And for anyone that doesn't have it:
Jack's Mannequin - Everything In Transit

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 07:57:51 GMT

My best friend made fun of me until I wept for liking the new Britney Spears album. IT'S GOOD TO WORK OUT TO OKAY? STOP FUCKING JUDGING ME.

Britney Spears - Blackout

I have to like, go listen to some cock rock or something.

ETA: I wanted to work on my story but I realized I left my flash drive in my work computer. And I was bored anyway and I went to get it even though it's like 1 AM. I have a key to the building but it totally felt like breaking in. And the lights are on a timer so I had to navigate my way to my office in pitch blackness. SCARY.

So after all that, I get home and I can't seem to make myself stop trolling LOLcats and write.

Also, this is totally me because I fell off the wagon this week re: the diet, but that's only because I'm sick. *munches Pringles*

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 03:14:00 GMT

Oh my god, you guys. (In my head I always sound like Michael Ian Black when I say that.)

I'm still sick. And I really want to write but apparently my body seems to think being awake is about the extent of my abilities right now, and even that is pushing it. And I'm hungry. Oddly.

I just want to work on my sequel and write about Jared and Jensen's shiny happy sparkly post high school LOVE. Bah.

And everyone should go read Attention, Wal-Mart Shoppers! by crackedbuthappy because Wal-Mart is awesome but Jared being a greeter at Wal-Mart? Awesomer.

This post brought to you by Nyquil.

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 04:28:05 GMT

I've been bedridden with a cold for the last three days. Who the fuck gets a cold in July? Me, apparently. Even though none of my friends, family members or co-workers have one. It sucks. I haven't even pretended to stick to my diet for the last few days. I eat what I want and I don't go to the gym because I'm dying, okay?

I just got an e-mail from my gym saying it's closing at the end of the month. WTF? I love my gym. It was tiny and unmanned and 24/7, and the only close alternative is this huge two story corporate place that's like, the size of the fucking mall with juice bars and shit. I'm antisocial. I don't need that! Bah. So now I have to find a new gym.

I've called in sick from work for the last two days and I have a feeling I'm going to want to tomorrow but I'm sure I'll drag myself in. My co-workers are so germaphobic that the good money is on them sending me home by 9 AM. One can only hope.

I marathoned Burn Notice season 1 from my sickbed. Anyone else into that show? I enjoyed it.

Anyway, I'm going to go curl up in my little fever ball with my tissues with the lotion in them and orange juice and blankets. A cold in the middle of summer in California. It's 100 degrees outside and I get a cold. WTF WORLD?

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 11:19:08 GMT

Whew! I finally caught up on all the comments to we must reinvent love.

As far as first fics go, I'm going to go ahead and call it a success. I am absolutely giddy over how much people seemed to enjoy it! I put so much work into that fic, and it was so much fun to write! And kamikaze_redux is the best. She was there from "Hey, I've got this fic idea." to "Oh my god, it's finally posted. It was a grueling couple of months, and she endured many phone calls when I just needed to ramble about plot ideas and vent when the characters got minds of their own. Haha.

And there is no way that I will be able to leave those boys alone, so be prepared for talk of the sequels, now that you all know what the hell I'm talking about. Haha.

Alright. It's 4 AM. I need to crash.

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 03:47:05 GMT

Happy Birthday, Jared!

Happy 26th! Enjoy the ~~buttsex~~ cake!

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 06:34:47 GMT

Hey guys! Question: Does anyone have any Jason Manns they could upload for me? I have him singing Crazy Love with Jensen, but I'm looking for his other stuff. Perfect Spot in particular.

♥

we must reinvent love (j2, nc-17) - master post.

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 06:23:51 GMT

Title: we must reinvent love
Author: _mournthewicked
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 26,500
Warnings: A fair amount of unapologetic schmoop and a dash of teenage angst.
Disclaimer: This is all a figment of my overactive imagination. I don't own Jared, Jensen, or the movie Superbad.
Summary: With high school graduation less than two weeks away, best friends Jared and Jensen find themselves scrambling to tie up a few loose ends before they’re forced into adulthood. Jared ropes Jensen into helping him get the alcohol for Sandy's graduation party, and what should be a simple night of partying ends up turning into a series of mishaps and misunderstandings that all come to head when Jensen finally tells Jared the secret he wasn't ever planning on spilling. If high school has to end, they're going out with a bang. (A J² spin on the movie Superbad.)

Notes: Written for spn_j2_bigbang. My thanks and undying love go out to my beta, kamikaze_redux, for her hand holding and listening to my many, many rants and minor breakdowns about this story. Without her, this story would be a pile of nonsensical babble. This is my first venture into the world of RPS, and the longest fic I've written in the SPN fandom. And I have to say, I'm so glad I'm finally posting it. Thank you so much to cairocairo for the art that compliments my story so well.

Also, the title of this story was shamelessly stolen from the Panic at the Disco song Mad as Rabbits, with much love.

Thanks to audrarose and wendy for putting on this fantastic challenge!

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 - Epilogue / Soundtrack / Art

we must reinvent love - the art

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 05:47:42 GMT

I was lucky enough to have my prompt chosen by cairocairo. She's the best. She and I worked together very closely and that was great. She put up with my frantic whining and my last minute changes and she took it all in stride. All the great art she created for my story is included in this post. She asked me to post the art here, so feel free to leave her feedback on this post. Let her know how awesome she is!

The poster.

The soundtrack.

The dividers.

The icon.

we must reinvent love - the soundtrack

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 04:08:45 GMT

Warning: Contains spoilers for the fic.

zip file - sendspace // megaupload

Weezer – My Best Friend

So the thing is, Jensen is pretty much in love with his best friend.

There is no other one who can take your place
I feel happy inside when I see your face
I hope you believe me
'Cause I speak sincerely
and I mean it when I tell you that I need you

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do

Plain White T’s – You And Me

She glares, and Jared wiggles his fingers at her before spinning he and Jensen around and leading him down the hall. The licorice around their necks stretches and pulls them back together as they walk towards their class.

You and me, all we need is each other
That's why we make a good you and me

You know what I'm going to say before my mouth even makes a sound
And that's why we make a good you and me
I know from the sound of your breathing exactly what you are feeling
This is why we make a good you and me

Noise Ratchet – Crush

He just wants Jared to be happy. That doesn’t make it easy to watch them together, because Jared is practically in love with Sandy, but Jensen is pathetically in love with Jared.

You know, I'm the one that you can talk to
Sometimes you tell me things that I don't want to know
I just want to hold you
You say exactly how you feel about her
I wonder, could you ever think of me that way

I got a crush on you
I hope you feel the way that I do
I get a rush
When I'm with you
Ooh, I've got a crush on you

Green Day – Poprocks and Coke

He has to throw his arm around Jared’s waist to keep them both from falling, and Jared whips around to face him. Jared lets out a booming laugh and wraps his arms around Jensen in a tight bear hug.

If you should fall
You know I’ll be there
To catch the call
You know I’ll be there
I’ll go anywhere
So I’ll see you there

I don’t care if you don’t mind
I’ll be there not far behind
I will dare
Keep in mind
I don’t care
I’ll be there for you
I’ll be there for you

Ok Go – Tough to Have a Crush

He thinks over this thing with Jared as he takes a deep drag from his cigarette. The smoke curls in a lazy blue cloud over his head as he leans back against the concrete, and he doesn’t come up with anything new. Jared is still straight. It’s still a lost cause. Jensen is still pretty much pathetic. Same shit, different day.

Well it's tough to have a crush
When the boy doesn't feel the same way you do
Well it's tough to have a crush
When your best friend breaks the news
Perhaps you'll find me feeling better in a day or two
But it's tough to have a crush on you

Snow Patrol – Signal Fire

It’s strange to know that his future with Jared is now uncertain. They may now part ways and see each other only on holidays when they both happen to come home, sharing awkward conversations and only being in the same room because their families are so close.

The perfect words never crossed my mind
’Cause there was nothing in there but you
I felt every ounce of me screaming out
But the sound was trapped deep in me
All I wanted just sped right past me
While I was rooted fast to the earth
I could be stuck here for a thousand years
Without your arms to drag me out

There you are standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away to leave me naked
Hold me close
‘Cause I need you to guide me to safety

Death Cab For Cutie – I Will Possess Your Heart

“I love you. I want you. I actually care about you, and you don’t even give a shit. It’s all about chasing after Sandy, and you can never see what’s right in front of you."

How I wish you could see the potential
The potential of you and me
It's like a book elegantly bound but
In a language that you can't read
Just yet

You gotta spend some time, Love
You gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love
I will possess your heart

Duffy – Mercy

Jared turns, his bare torso displayed in all its tanned and toned glory. It’s not fair really. Jared was lanky as hell no less than a year ago. All these lean, sinewy muscles just appeared from nowhere and gave Jensen no time to prepare.

I don't know what this is
’Cause you got me good
Just like you knew you would

I don't know what you do
But you do it well
I’m under your spell

You got me begging you for mercy
Why won't you release me?

Kane – Rattlesnake Smile

”Now come over here and give me a kiss,” Jensen sings, and Jared swears that Jensen’s eyes flicker over to him before he hams it up, puckering his swollen lips at the crowd.

It's been a long time
Since I wore this rattlesnake smile
And a lot of my friends haven't seen it in quite a while
I feel my eyes rollin' deep inside my head
And there's a feeling of misconception in the air
Yeah, I'm startin' to see

Come over here and give me a kiss

Jon McLaughlin – So Close

Jared pulls back at that, the words startling him. He can’t even imagine his life without Jensen. His chest aches just thinking about it, and he shakes his head. A tear slips down Jensen’s cheek and he curses himself, wiping it away furiously.

How could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
We’re so close
To reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
Let’s go on dreaming though we know we are
So close
So close
And still so far

Howie Day – Collide

He should be elsewhere. Like maybe in a dark bedroom in a house on a maple lined street a few blocks away with black and white pictures from a pinhole camera stuck to a corkboard. Like maybe with his best friend.

I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind

Sara Bareilles – One Sweet Love

Jensen stares at the photo, realizing that not even two years ago, he and Jared had just been best friends. Everything had been so easy, so simple, before white hot want began to claw at Jensen’s belly. It had only gotten worse from there.

Sleepless nights you creep inside of me
Paint your shadows on the breath that we share
You take more than just my sanity
You take my reason not to care
No ordinary wings I'll need
The sky itself will carry me back to you
The things I dream that I can do I'll open up
The moon for you
Just come down soon

The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?
Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking
But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of
One sweet love

Counting Crows – Accidentally In Love

“I’m pretty sure I’m in love with Jensen. So I like my best friend who happens to be a guy. That’s okay.” He pauses, staring straight ahead. “Yeah. Great. No, that’s fine.”

So she said what's the problem baby
What's the problem I don't know
Well maybe I'm in love
Think about it every time
I think about it
Can't stop thinking 'bout it

We're accidentally in love
Accidentally in love

Green Day – Scattered

Their moms had loved the photo so much they framed it and gave Jared and Jensen each a copy. They quickly pronounced the gift lame, but Jensen knows for a fact that Jared has his up in his room too.

I've got some scattered pictures lying on my bedroom floor
Reminds me of the times we shared
Makes me wish that you were here
Now it seems I've forgotten my purpose in this life
All the songs have been erased
Guess I've learned from my mistakes

Open the past and present
Now and we are there
Story to tell and I am listening
Open the past and present
And the future too
It's all I've got and I'm giving it up to you

Paramore – Hallelujah

"Jen,” he breathes, his lips ghosting over Jensen’s, “kiss me back.” He presses a soft kiss to the corner of Jensen’s mouth and murmurs, “I want you to kiss me back.”

Somehow everything's gonna fall right into place
If we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday
If only time flew like a dove
Make it fly faster than I'm falling in love

This time we're not giving up
Let's make it last forever
Screaming hallelujah
We'll make it last forever

Matt Nathanson – Heartbreak World

Jared closes his eyes, tilting his head up and skimming his cheek across Jensen’s jaw. The faint stubble he feels against his skin sends a shiver down his spine, reminding him of exactly what he’s doing, and who he’s doing it with.

And this heartbreak world
Of just imagine
With it's tired talk of better days
And this heartbreak world
Where nothing matters
Come on lets make the dream that's barely half awake come true

Aqualung – Brighter Than Sunshine

He looks gorgeous, and Jared can’t deny that he just wants to get back in that bed and never come up for air. At that moment, he can’t think of a single reason why he shouldn’t do this with Jensen. It all seems to make so much sense. It’s like their entire lives have been leading up to this moment.

I never understood before
I never knew what love was for
My heart was broke
My head was sore
What a feeling

Tied up in ancient history
I didn’t believe in destiny
I look up you're standing next to me
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine
And it's brighter than sunshine

The Cure – Mint Car

It feels like every other lazy Saturday, and when they switch cereal bowls halfway through and share a soft kiss that tastes like sugary milk, that’s just a bonus.

The sun is up
I'm so happy I could scream
And there's nowhere else in the world I'd rather be
Than here with you
It's perfect
It's all I ever wanted
I almost can't believe that it's for real

Never guessed it got this good
Wondered if it ever would
Really didn't think it could
Do it some more?
I know we should

Say it will always be like this
The two of us together
It will always be like this
Forever and ever and ever

Relient K – Must Have Done Something Right

Once they’re alone, Jared reaches up and tugs on Jensen’s tassel playfully. Jensen smiles, a private smile that only Jared gets to see. His eyes are bright and green, cheeks flushed with pleasure, and Jared falls a little bit more each day.

We should get jerseys 'cause we make a good team
But yours would look better than mine, 'cause you're outta my league
And I know that it's so cliché to tell you that everyday
I spend with you is the new best day of my life
Everyone watching us just turns away with disgust
It's jealously, they can see that we've got it going on

And I'm racking my brain for a new improved way
To let you know your more to me than what I know how to say
You're okay with the way this is going to be
This is going to be the best thing we've ever seen

If anyone can make me a better person you could
All I gotta say is I must've done something good
I came along one day and you rearranged my life
All I gotta say is I must've done something right
I must've done something right

Maybe I'm just lucky cause it's hard to believe
Believe that somebody like you'd end up with someone like me
And I know that it's so cliché to talk about you this way
But I'll push all my inhibitions aside
It's so very obvious to everyone watching us
That we have got something real good going on

*If any of the links expire, please let me know. I'll be happy to re upload them. ♥

we must reinvent love (j2, nc-17) Part 5 [epilogue]

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 04:03:34 GMT

[epilogue – two weeks later]

“Dude,” Jared says eloquently as he sits down next to Jensen. “I feel like Green Day’s Time of Your Life should be playing or something.”

“Ah, the quintessential end of an era song,” Jensen mumbles around the filter of his cigarette as he tries to light it. “Fitting.”

“This is like, sad. I didn’t think it would be, but it is.” Jared leans against the rough cinderblock back of the old home team dugout. He sighs and slumps down, causing Jensen to squawk around his cigarette and haul Jared up by his shoulders.

“Dude, you’re gonna snag your robe,” Jensen says, holding his cigarette with one hand and smoothing down the back of Jared’s navy blue graduation robe with the other. Jared rolls his eyes and sets his cap, carefully, on the ground next to him.

“Don’t worry about it, mom,” Jared replies, and Jensen makes a face.

“You just ruined any chance of me giving you a clandestine blowjob behind the dugout,” Jensen tells him, and then wraps those plump lips of his deliberately around the filter of his cigarette as if to show Jared exactly what he’s missing out on. Jared narrows his eyes and shifts his hips a little.

“Bitch,” he mumbles, and then looks around. He can hear the band playing and the murmur of the crowd, the soft breeze carrying the noise down from the football field. “How much time do we have?”

Jensen stubs his cigarette out and hauls up one side of his robe, digging into his pocket to get his cell phone. He glances at it and slips it back into the pocket of his slacks. “About thirty minutes until we’re required to be on the field, although technically we’re supposed to be lining up in the gym.”

Jared sighs and looks around. He actually is surprised to realize how sad he is about leaving high school. He turns to look at Jensen, studying his boyfriend’s elegant profile. He’s got his eyes closed and his head tipped back, a slight crease between his eyes like maybe he’s thinking the same thing.

“You’ve gotta be at least a little bit sad,” Jared says, poking Jensen’s hip with one long finger.

“Not really,” he replies without opening his eyes. “The only person I ever really gave a shit about at this place is going to college with me, so I’m good.”

Jared smiles, his heart thumping a little faster at Jensen’s words. It’s only been two weeks, but this is by far the best relationship he’s ever been in. And it’s with Jensen, his smart, funny, gorgeous, asshole of a best friend.

“Oh honey,” Jared coos, “I didn’t know you cared!”

“Who says I’m talking about you?” Jensen questions, smirking. “I’m talking about Sophia. Girl’s a fucking wildcat in the sack.”

“You’re such a fucking liar, you queer.” Jared laughs and then leans over to plant a sloppy kiss on Jensen’s lips. He sort of misses and catches the corner of his mouth and the side of his chin instead. Jensen snorts and turns slightly towards Jared, putting his hands on either side of Jared’s face and kissing him soundly.

Jared teases at Jensen’s full bottom lip with little licks and bites, his fists bunching in Jensen’s robe. It seems sort of wildly appropriate, making out in this spot that’s been their refuge for four grueling years of high school. It’s kind of like leaving their mark, making it clear that they’ve made it together. Together. Like lovers. The thought still makes Jared’s head spin.

Jensen growls a little against Jared’s lips, which Jared has learned to mean he’s getting really fired up. These last two weeks have been great, just wrapping up classes and graduation practice, using the extra spare time to learn each other’s already familiar bodies in a new and intimate way. Jared catalogues every noise Jensen makes, every spot he likes to be touched or kissed or bitten.

Jensen lifts one knee in an apparent attempt to straddle Jared’s lap and get some serious dry humping started, but he seems to have forgotten that he’s wearing a robe. The material stays pinned to the ground by his body as he tries to jerk up, and he overbalances and slips, falling across Jared’s lap and nearly face planting in the dirt.

Jared tosses his head back and laughs so hard his stomach hurts. Jensen pushes himself up and knees Jared in the junk as he goes to sit back down next to him. Jared’s laughter turns into a coughing fit and Jensen smiles serenely.

“Sorry!” He chirps. Jared looks over at him, watching him bat those ridiculous gold tipped lashes, and he tackles him to the ground. “Jared!” He laughs, clutching Jared’s biceps as Jared’s mouth attacks his neck. “You asshole. You’re going to get me all dirty. It’s going to look like I had a quickie in the dirt in my graduation photos.”

“So we should probably have a quickie in the dirt,” Jared says, lining their hips up and grinding down, “just so it’s justifiable.”

Before Jensen can respond, Jared kisses him, his tongue plunging into Jensen’s willing mouth. He grinds his hips down into Jensen’s, content to get off just like this, even if it does mean he’ll have to endure a three hour graduation ceremony in sticky slacks.

“Whoa! Public sex alert!” A familiar voice calls out, and Jared and Jensen scramble apart.

“Kinky. But you guys should probably hang a sign or something. Warning: Gay Sex Ahead. Enter at your own risk,” Josh says, holding his hands out and miming a sign. Jared gets to his feet and glares at Josh and Jeff as he brushes the dirt from his robe. Jensen comes to stand next to him, and he doesn’t even have to look to know Jensen is blushing.

“You said enter,” Jeff chuckles, and then they both laugh like idiots.

“Can we help you?” Jensen asks, crossing his arms over his chest. Jared, however, is just thankful for the loose hanging baggy material of his robe, because his raging hard on still hasn’t gone away. Not even the appearance of Josh and Jeff can undo the effects of Jensen’s lips on his skin.

“Yeah,” Jeff says. “You can stop being little douchebags by hiding out in our spot.”

“Uh, wait,” Jared says, holding up one finger. “Don’t you mean the spot you bequeathed to us when you two assholes graduated?”

“And look at you back here defiling it with your homo love,” Jeff replies, giving the spot a slightly nostalgic once over.

“Look at Mr. Graduate over here. Busting out bequeathed,” Josh laughs, and Jared flips him the bird.

“The ‘rents are searching high and low for you, actually,” Jeff says, and then nods at Josh. “But we wanted to find you first.”

“Why? What’d we do?” Jared says, and Jensen laughs next to him. Josh and Jeff just smile warmly as Josh pulls an envelope out of his back pocket.

“We just wanted to give you your present.” Josh hands over the envelope and Jensen takes it, looking from Josh to Jared with a curious expression. Jared shrugs and looks over Jensen’s shoulder as the shorter boy opens the envelope. He pulls out some official looking forms. He and Jensen share a quizzical look and when Jared leans in closer, he realizes that they are housing forms naming him and Jensen as roommates in their dorm next year.

Jensen looks up at him then, their noses grazing from being so close. They grin at each other, bump their foreheads softly together, and turn back towards their brothers.

“Guys,” Jensen starts, “this is awesome. Thank you.”

“Yeah,” Jared adds. “How’d you swing this?”

“It’s really no big deal,” Josh replies. “There’s this girl – Becky, that I hang with. She works in the housing office and she hooked it up.”

“And we were going to do this before you guys even started fucking,” Jeff says, “but now it’s just an added bonus. Because now we won’t have to deal with your whiney, horny asses on our doorstep every time your roommates put scrunchies on the door.”

“Is this Becky girl going to take it back once she realizes what a dick you are?” Jensen asks, but his eyes are soft and pleased.

“Dude, it’s not even like that. She’s just a friend who enjoys abusing her authority. But her friend Crystal -” Josh lets out a low whistle and then smirks. Jared and Jensen laugh, grinning hard as Jensen puts the papers back in the envelope.

“We’ll take that for now,” Jeff says, taking the envelope back, “since apparently y’all like to roll around in the dirt in expensive clothes.”

“Thanks guys,” Jared says sincerely, his eyes full of fond affection for them. “This is seriously great.”

“Yeah,” Jensen adds. “Just – wow. Yeah. Thanks.”

“Dude,” Jeff says, cutting Josh a look. “We gotta get out of here. The gay is catching.”

“True words,” Josh says, nodding. “Now get the fuck to the gym. Because I didn’t put on a goddamn tie in ninety degree weather so you two could fuck your way through your graduation ceremony.”

Jared and Jensen grin, brushing all the dirt off of each other’s robes until they look as good as new. They grab their caps and put them on, both of them reaching out at the same time to move the tassel to the correct side of each other’s caps. They laugh and lean in, going to kiss but unable to because of the brim of their caps. They laugh again and tilt their heads enough so they can manage, sharing a quick kiss.

“Oh my god, dude,” Jeff says, putting his fist up in front of his mouth. “I’m gonna be sick.”

“You two just gave me diabetes. Thank you for that,” Josh says. “Get your asses to the gym.”

Jared and Jensen wave their hands, their eyes only for each other. Josh and Jeff roll their eyes and walk back towards the football field.

Once they’re alone, Jared reaches up and tugs on Jensen’s tassel playfully. Jensen smiles, a private smile that only Jared gets to see. His eyes are bright and green, cheeks flushed with pleasure, and Jared falls a little bit more each day.

“Are you ready for this?” Jared asks, smoothing his hands down Jensen’s arms. He feels a little nervous, and for a moment he isn’t sure whether or not he means graduation or their future together. Jensen looks into his eyes and he seems to know exactly what Jared is thinking, just like he always does.

“We’re gonna be fine,” Jensen says, winking at Jared. Jensen twines their fingers together and leads Jared away from the place they’ve known for years and towards the graduation ceremony, towards their future – together.

[end]

Soundtrack.