[back to part two.]
Jensen likes having gym right before lunch. It means that he can linger in the locker room if sometimes he just doesn’t want to deal with the masses out in the cafeteria.
He’s one of the last guys hanging around after gym, pausing to check his hair one last time before leaving, when he hears Jared’s voice filtering out from Chad’s open office door.
Jensen swallows and looks around before dropping down into a chair just out of sight. He knows that he shouldn’t eavesdrop, but he’s only gotten teacher Jared since they broke up. He just wants to hear Jared, if only for a moment.
“Dude, you need to come out with me this weekend,” Chad says. Jensen somehow just knows that Jared is wrinkling his nose at the suggestion. Jared was never really one for the club scene, except on the rarest of occasions. “Jared, you need to put yourself back out there. Meet someone.”
Jensen grits his teeth at that, bristling at Chad’s words. It’s a visceral reaction that makes his heart clench.
“Chad, we broke up six weeks ago,” Jared replies with a bit of an exasperated air about him. Jensen isn’t sure why Jared is friends with Chad. He doesn’t even think Jared is sure why he’s friends with Chad. “It’s too soon.”
“How is that too soon? It’s been six weeks.”
“We were together for twenty years, Chad. Over half of our lives.” Jared lets out a deep sigh that Jensen feels down to his bones. “That requires a brutal bitch of a mourning period.”
“Whatever,” Chad replies, a bit uncomfortably. “You’re just not the same since you left him.”
“Of course I’m not the same. I was with Jensen every day of my life since I was fifteen.” Jensen slumps his shoulders and leans heavily against the wall, head thumping softly against plaster as he listens. “I know you’ve never had a relationship last longer than a box of condoms, so let me break it down for you. It’s like someone came along and ripped off one of your appendages. It was there all your life and you loved it and relied on it and then it’s just… gone.”
Jensen swallows hard, eyes slipping shut. The pain in Jared’s voice is palpable. For a moment Jensen wonders why they’re even apart, but then the corner of his Economics text book digs into his back and he remembers.
“Which appendage are we talking about? Because that ultimately decides my level of despair,” Chad replies in a smarmy tone. There’s a long moment of silence in which Jensen can very clearly picture Jared’s blank stare. “Okay fine, I get it. You’re hurting. All the more reason to go out with me. I’m not saying find someone new to settle down with. Just take someone home. Blow off some steam.”
Jensen swallows hard. If Matt’s kiss taught him anything, it’s that he can’t even stand the idea of ever being with anyone else. The thought of someone else touching Jared makes his blood boil and his stomach turn. He’s always been a bit of the jealous type, but then again, Jared always sort of liked that.
“I can’t do that. I’m not you,” Jared replies, and Jensen thanks God for small favors. “I’ve only been with one person and right now I’m not at all interested in being with another.”
Jensen almost cracks a smile at that. Jared has always been a romantic. He didn’t even let Jensen get to third base until they had been together for over a month. But Jensen hadn’t minded the wait, because he was worth it.
“You still think that he’s going to come back, don’t you?” Chad’s voice is hesitant and a little disbelieving like maybe he’s holding back a scoff. Jensen sits up a little at that.
“Chad,” Jared says warningly.
“Jared, come on,” Chad replies boldly. “You’re the one that broke it off, and I know what you hoped would happen when you did, but maybe it won’t.”
“I know. I just want him to be happy,” Jared says quietly, and Jensen’s heart clenches. He hangs his head shamefully, eyes slipping shut for a moment.
“And I want you to be happy.”
“Well Chad, right now I’m not. And going out to fuck some stranger when Jensen’s touch is the only one I’ve ever known – “
“Whoa, dude.”
“-isn’t going to change that. So just drop it,” Jared finishes sharply, and Jensen lets out a huff as he rests his cheek against the wall. He isn’t sure that he wants to hear anymore. “I just – yes, just – broke up with the person that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I’m going to fucking be sad for awhile, despite your best efforts. Deal with it, or leave me alone.”
“I don’t want to leave you alone.”
“Thanks, because I really don’t want to be,” Jared says. He sounds tired, exhausted even. Jensen wonders if he tosses and turns as much as he does at night. It’s hard to sleep alone after nearly twenty years of having a warm body next to you. “Right now I just want a goddamn cup of coffee.”
Jensen swallows hard, head snapping up as he makes a choice and stands. He walks right up to the door and grabs the frame as he swings into the room.
“Did someone say coffee?” He asks, attempting to put on a cheery tone. Chad jumps and Jared looks at him with a somewhat alarmed expression on his face.
“Holy shit, Mitchell,” Chad gasps. “You can’t just sneak up on people like that. Christ.”
“Jason. Uh, hey,” Jared says cautiously. Jensen gives him an innocent smile. “How long have you been standing there?”
“Just walked up,” Jensen lies. “Heard you say coffee. Are you going to get a cup? I’d love to mooch one off of you and talk about the play. I have a few ideas.”
“Uh, sure.” Jared gets up and grabs his messenger bag, nodding at Chad as he pulls it over his head. “I’ll catch you later.”
“Oh, okay. Go on a coffee date with your ex’s teenage clone,” Chad says with a derisive snort. “That will definitely help.”
“That’s enough, Chad,” Jared says, leveling him with a glare before turning to face Jensen, who tries to make himself look more like a dedicated student and less like a lovesick puppy. “Come on, Jason.”
They leave the gym in silence, and Jared seems to be lost in his thoughts as they make their way down the open, empty walkway towards the administration building. Jensen opens and closes his mouth a few times, fingers coming up to grip the straps of his backpack.
“Confession.” The word tumbles from his lips before his brain even gave him permission to speak, and Jensen swallows hard as Jared turns to him with an arched brow. “I, uh, didn’t really want to talk about the play. You just sounded like you needed to be rescued.”
Jared comes to a halt, eyes slightly wide as he looks at Jensen. He opens his mouth and then closes it as a delicate blush stains his cheeks. Jensen awkwardly rubs the back of his neck.
“I didn’t hear too much,” Jensen says, adding to the growing mental list of lies that he’s told Jared over the past few weeks. “And I won’t say anything.”
“Thanks, I suppose.” It’s all Jared offers and Jensen doesn’t push for more. They reach the teacher’s lounge and Jared nods to a nearby picnic table before ducking inside. Jensen shrugs off his backpack and drops it onto the bench next to him as he sits down heavily. He lets out a harsh breath and rests his head on his crossed arms, eyes shut as he tries to stave off a headache.
Jared comes back a few minutes later and sits down across from him. His fingertip taps the top of Jensen’s head and he pops up to look at him. He takes the hot cup, one cream no sugar, and smiles gratefully. Jared looks off into the distance, eyes narrowed thoughtfully, and Jensen can’t shake the ache in his heart.
“Can I tell you something?” He says quietly, and Jared’s gaze travels back to his face. Jensen swallows hard, but he can’t quite make himself look away.
“Sure.”
“You said that you were sad and, uh, you aren’t alone,” Jensen admits, and Jared looks pained. “He isn’t taking this very well either.”
“Jason, I told you – “
“Not to talk about this stuff. Yeah, I know,” Jensen interrupts. Jared rolls his lips into his mouth and Jensen huffs out a sigh as he stares down into his coffee. “I just wanted you to know that. He misses you every second.”
Jared is quiet for what feels like a long time, and Jensen takes a sip of the coffee just for something to do.
“Knowing that we’re both in pain doesn’t really help, but I appreciate the sentiment,” Jared finally says. His voice is a little rougher than it was before, and Jensen looks up sadly when Jared stands, coffee mug clutched tightly in his fingers. He’s run Jared off again. “And thanks for the daring rescue. I’ll see you in class, okay?”
“Sure,” Jensen says with a humorless smirk, nodding as Jared turns to walk away. “See you soon.”
Jensen doesn’t really pay much attention in Jared’s class that day. When the bell finally rings, he shrugs off the attentions of his friends and leaves campus alone, opting to walk back to Misha’s apartment in hopes that it will clear his head.
It doesn’t. He’s just as confused as he was after overhearing Jared and Chad talking. Misha isn’t home to provide any semblance of comfort and Jensen sighs as he tosses his backpack on the floor near the door. It rolls a few times and comes to a stop up against the small stack of boxes that hold all of Jensen’s belongings from his office.
Misha had gone to collect them after Jensen resigned and he hasn’t had the time or desire to go through them. One of the boxes is less uniform than the others, sagging with age and covered in tape, and Jensen recognizes it as the box of old stuff that Jared brought in on Jensen’s last day as an adult.
Jensen pulls that box out from the middle of the stack and drops to his knees in front of it, pulling up the flaps to reveal the mess inside. It’s such an odd assortment of items, all of them with some story to tell, and Jensen picks up the California or Bust! photo album. He runs his fingers over the cover but he doesn’t open it, instead shoving it into his backpack as he leaves the apartment.
It’s a bit of a cab ride to Twin Peaks Park but Jensen doesn’t mind. He pays the driver and then gets out of the car, trudging up a hill until he finds an open bench to drop down onto.
Twin Peaks Park overlooks the city of San Francisco and Jensen takes in the view for a bit, pulling a pair of sunglasses from his backpack as he squints against the sun. It really is a breathtaking city, dense yet sprawling and surrounded by shimmering blue water. Jensen is happy to call it home.
Jensen looks around, making sure no one is hovering close by before he extracts the photo album and rests it on his lap. He swallows hard as he opens it to a random page and looks down. He’s confronted with a picture of the two of them in front of the Grand Canyon, hair windblown and eyes squinted against the sun. He remembers the picture being taken by a sweet older woman, eyes twinkling as she looked them over. Jared’s arm is slung over Jensen’s shoulders, their fingers tangled together over Jensen’s chest.
Jensen lets out a deep sigh as he stares down at the photo.
“Hey man, do you mind?” Jensen looks up to see a tall, dark-skinned man standing over him with a cigarette between his lips. He doesn’t wait for an answer before settling himself on the bench next to Jensen and blowing his smoke out into the air. “Sometimes a guy just wants a smoke, you know? Tourists always get twitchy. Like one breath’ll kill ‘em.”
“How’d you know that I was a local?” Jensen asks, instead of telling the guy to fuck off like he’s originally intended.
“You’ve just got that look about you,” the guy says, and he holds out the hand not clutching a cigarette. “Aldis. Pleased to meet you.”
“Jensen,” he replies, shaking the guy’s hand briefly before dropping his hand back to the photo album.
“Two weird names for two weird dudes, am I right?” Aldis asks. Jensen watches as he takes another drag, and then shakes his head when Aldis offers the cigarette to him. “I’m not even gonna lie, man. Looks like one heavy weight you’re carrying.”
“And how would you know?” Jensen asks, not hostile but merely curious. There’s something about this guy, something intriguing and maybe even comforting.
“I already told you, man,” Aldis replies. “You’ve got that look.”
“What look?” Jensen tries, but Aldis isn’t looking at him anymore. His eyes are focused on the photo album in Jensen’s lap. Jensen pulls it towards him a bit, teeth digging into his bottom lip.
“Taking an angsty afternoon stroll down memory lane, huh?” Aldis asks, all too intuitive. “I can dig it. That your man?”
“He was,” Jensen finds himself saying, just before his eyes narrow slightly. “How’d you – oh wait, don’t tell me. I know I’ve got that look.”
Aldis chuckles and tips his head back to exhale a long curl of smoke. Jensen smirks and looks down at the photo album, flipping a page. There’s one of the two of them, slightly blurred and framed on one side by the tan smudge of Jared’s arm. Jensen’s face is buried in Jared’s neck and he remembers that one too, remembers Jared holding up the camera to snap a picture when Jensen wasn’t anywhere near awake yet.
“That’s a good one,” Aldis comments, long finger reaching out to jab at the corner. “Unplanned pictures are always the best. So what happened, man? You two look pretty happy.”
“You always this nosy with complete strangers?” Jensen asks, but there isn’t really any heat in it. Aldis just grins and bumps his shoulder against Jensen’s.
“Who better to unload on than an unbiased stranger, am I right?” Aldis replies as he stubs out his cigarette on the ground next to him. “Lay it on me, man. Free therapy.”
“It’s complicated,” Jensen finds himself saying, mouth curving into a rueful grimace. He’s sort of at his wit’s end. Getting an objective opinion might not be such a bad idea. He can’t tell this guy everything, of course. Not unless he wants to be committed.
“Well hell, man. It’s love, right?” Aldis replies with a grin. “Shit’s always complicated. Otherwise it’d just be friendship.” Jensen turns to look at him, and Aldis tilts his head. “It is still love. That ain’t gone, not on either end.”
“Now how could you possibly know that?” Jensen asks, and Aldis just grins again, white teeth gleaming in the sunshine.
“People say I’m intuitive,” Aldis tells him, and rolls his eyes when Jensen raises a brow. “Man, I’m serious. I’m good at this shit. It’s written all over your face. You’re in love and you’re loved but there’s something standin’ in the way. I’ve seen it a million times.”
“His name’s Jared,” Jensen says, rolling his lips into his mouth in surprise. “He, uh, left me. My life didn’t really turn out the way that I thought it would and I guess I sort of, well, blamed him? I didn’t mean to, but yeah. I was sort of an asshole. Pretty sure he’s better off without me.”
“Don’t sell yourself short,” Aldis tells him. “I know from assholes, man, and you aren’t one. Well, maybe a little bit. But you’re workin’ on it, and that’s what counts.”
“Maybe,” Jensen says with a shrug. “To be honest, I’m just really fucking confused. I had this plan, this certain way I was going to live my life, and it didn’t happen. And the life I did get wasn’t bad, not by a long shot, but now I’ve got another chance. Do I live a different life just because of that?”
“Whoa, man,” Aldis chuckles. “First off, you’ve gotta stop talking like an old man. You’ve got one hell of a life in front of you, kid.”
All Jensen can do is snort.
“Okay, so. Classic story, heard it a thousand times. The one that got away,” Aldis says, and Jensen turns slightly. “I had one of those. This girl, man, there aren’t words for this girl. Beth’s her name. We were together all through college. Inseparable and whatnot. Graduation comes along and she wants one thing, I want another. So we split. I go my way and she goes hers.”
Aldis doesn’t say anything for a long moment, and Jensen blinks.
“Is that it?” He asks. “Some story, man.”
“Let me finish,” Aldis replies. “So I do my thing, live my life. And it’s a damn good life, let me tell you. No complaints. Did everything I ever wanted, but you know what? None of it meant a goddamn thing without her. You never get over the one that got away. Shit’s cliché for a reason.”
“So what happened?”
“Can’t fight fate, man,” Aldis tells him. “Just like I couldn’t fight Beth. Five years go by, man. Still not over her, so I finally give in. I call her, and guess what? She ain’t over me either. When it’s meant to be it’s meant to be; that’s that. So five years pass where I did all my own shit and I’m telling you right now, I’d trade it all to have spent that time with her. All that wasted time, shit. It’ll eat at you.”
“So you and Beth?” Jensen asks. “You worked it out?”
“Hell yeah,” Aldis replies with a grin. “No way we couldn’t. That’s why she’s in an apartment a few miles from here with the cutest little baby girl you ever did see. That’s the life I’m supposed to live, man. This one right here.”
Jensen smiles wanly and clutches the edges of the photo album tighter. Aldis leans in closer and plucks another cigarette from his pack.
“Everyone’s story is different, man,” Aldis says. “But I’m telling you, if you think you’re prepared to live a life without your Jared, you’re fuckin’ fooling yourself. You wouldn’t be sitting up here on this overlook staring down at his picture if you were. You’re the worst fuckin’ teenage cliché, I’m telling you.”
“I’m not a cliché,” Jensen mumbles, but his chest is sort of achy and he squints out against the setting sun. It’s chilly up here and he curls up a bit, trying to keep himself warm.
“Seen it a thousand times,” Aldis says with a cocky grin. “I’m just telling you, man. If you’re supposed to be with Jared, you’re gonna damn well be with him. Maybe not now, maybe not even in a decade. But when it’s fate, when it’s real? Well, there’s just no point in fighting that. That’s all I’m saying.”
“I don’t think I know how to live without him,” Jensen admits. It’s sort of true. The first thing he did upon turning back into a teenager was enroll in Jared’s school. Even stuck how he is now, he hasn’t really gone without Jared.
“Maybe you’re not supposed to,” Aldis suggests, and Jensen looks over at him. “But hey man, what do I know?”
“A lot, it seems,” Jensen mumbles, and Aldis grins around the filter of his cigarette. He gets up and Jensen looks around before pulling himself up off of the bench.
“Go home before you freeze, man,” Aldis tells him. “And don’t worry too hard. You’re smart, I can tell. You got a lot of heart, and it’ll steer you right every time. Trust me.”
“Thanks,” Jensen says warmly, and Aldis shakes his hand. One more grin, one last curl of smoke, and Aldis turns and walks away. Jensen is left blinking after him, frozen to the bone and fingers numb around the edges of the photo album.
Jensen takes a breath and turns in the other direction to walk back down the hill.
When Jensen gets back to the apartment, Misha is sprawled across the floor with a thick cloud of smoke over his head.
Jensen doesn’t even really stop to think before he lies down next to his friend, shoulders pressed together as Jensen lets out a harsh sigh. Misha hands him the joint wordlessly and Jensen sucks greedily on it, eyes slipping shut as his lungs fill with smoke.
“Long day?” Misha asks, and Jensen manages a nod as he blows smoke into the air. His eyes water and his lungs burn. It’s been awhile since he’s done this. “If I were a better fake parent I would feel bad for contributing to the delinquency of a minor.”
Jensen doesn’t say anything, just hits the joint again before handing it back over to Misha. His head starts to swim pleasantly and he coughs a little after letting out the second lungful.
“Why are we on the floor?” Jensen finally asks, and Misha shrugs up against him.
“Why not?” He replies, voice strained by the smoke in his lungs. Jensen turns his head to watch as he exhales, and then takes another hit when Misha holds the joint to his lips.
“I think I’m unhappy,” Jensen says after awhile, and Misha slides his arm between Jensen’s shoulders and the floor. “Why do I always seem to be unhappy?”
“No tears in the bong water, man,” Misha says slowly, and Jensen rearranges himself, curling in towards him just a bit. Misha’s a cuddly stoner and Jensen can’t find it in him to refuse.
“We’re not using a bong,” Jensen mumbles against Misha’s shoulder, inhaling the warm cotton smell of him.
“Semantics.” Misha waves the joint in the air and Jensen’s eyes track the glowing red cherry. “Look, Jen. You’re always unhappy because you make yourself unhappy. You fuckin’ look for misery wherever the hell you can. That’s just who you are.”
“Who I am sucks,” Jensen replies, and Misha just shrugs a little as he takes another hit.
“No arguments here.”
“You’re almost as bad at parenting as you are at being a friend,” Jensen says sloppily, blinking owlishly as he stares at the side of Misha’s face.
“Jensen, you’re not a bad guy,” Misha tells him. “You’re a great guy, actually. But you think too goddamn much. Just… stop.”
“Stop thinking?” Jensen inquires, and Misha turns to look at him. He lifts his hand, pinching the joint between two fingers as he presses it to Jensen’s lips.
“For the love of all that is holy,” Misha says as Jensen inhales. “Yes, stop thinking. When you’re happy, don’t question it. Just fuckin’ be happy.”
“No thinking,” Jensen says against the warmth of Misha’s bicep. “Be happy.”
“Now who’s a bad fake parent?” Misha mumbles roughly. “Suck on that, bitch.”
“Yeah, we’ve got a real Norman Rockwell thing going on here,” Jensen says lethargically as he watches Misha finish off the joint. “Inspiring.”
“Stop thinking,” Misha repeats as he pulls Jensen closer to him.
Jensen does his best to shut off his brain and lets out a breath. He’s not thinking, not at all, but he can’t stop seeing Jared when he closes his eyes.
And yeah, it makes him happy.
Jensen sucks on the tip of his thumb as he steps back from the set, head tipping to the side as he admires his work.
It’s less than a week until opening night and they’ve been finalizing sets all afternoon. The kids started to wander out near dinnertime, and soon only the dedicated remain.
Katie dances to the music on the radio with paint smears across her arms and legs and Jake and Kyle keep moving heavy boxes around in a failed attempt to look manly. Jared and Jensen are the only ones really working, and Jensen smiles at the smell of paint. He doesn’t even mind the way his thumb throbs from hitting it with a hammer. He’s happy.
“I think we’re gonna take off,” Jake says aloud, motioning to Kyle. “We have a paper due tomorrow and we haven’t even started it.”
“You mean the paper due in my class?” Jared asks, turning away from the skeleton of Juliet’s balcony to smirk at them. Jake and Kyle’s eyes widen in perfect unison and they look pleadingly at each other.
“Um, well, you see,” Kyle starts, stumbling over his words. “… Crap.”
“Just go,” Jared says with a laugh. “You too, Ms. Cassidy, as I’m sure you have homework as well.”
“Thanks, Mr. P!” Katie says, and then turns to face Jensen who’s still a bit preoccupied with sucking on the tip of his injured thumb. “What about you, Jason?”
“Finished it over the weekend,” Jensen says around the digit. “I can stay and help a bit longer.”
Katie bounces over to give him a hug and Jake and Kyle wave before they all exit the theater together. They’re close, those three. Jensen feels a bit lucky to be considered part of the group so quickly.
“Looks like it’s just you and me,” Jared says brightly, but his voice is tight like he isn’t exactly happy about it. “How’s your hand?”
“I’m a big boy,” Jensen murmurs as he walks over to Jared. “I’ll be alright.”
He looks up at Jared’s face and it hits him again, for the millionth time since he first saw him twenty years ago, just how beautiful he is. And then Jared is reaching out for him, hand cupping his cheek. Jensen can hardly breathe.
“You’ve got, um,” Jared says quietly as he wipes at Jensen’s cheek with his thumb. “Some paint on you.”
“Oh,” Jensen says dumbly, skin burning where Jared had touched him. It’s been so long since he’s been close to Jared like this, and he misses it. Jesus, does he miss it.
It’s silent in the theater and Jensen leans in without really meaning to. Jared follows him, faces coming close enough to share the air between them. Jensen licks his lips and watches as Jared tracks the movement. His eyes widen and he steps away from Jensen, clearing his throat.
“Got it,” Jared says shakily, too loud in the hushed theater. He holds his hand up and Jensen can see the brown paint on his thumb. He nods and Jared swallows hard, turning away and walking back over to Juliet’s tower.
They work in silence for a bit and Jensen gets lost in the relaxing task of painting, his brain occupied with a happy little buzz of jaredjaredjared. Jensen is content in that moment, happy to simply be in Jared’s presence doing work that they both enjoy.
“Hm,” Jared says, and Jensen slows his paint strokes but doesn’t turn around. “I think Juliet’s tower needs a stronger foundation. It’s a bit wobbly.”
“Right,” Jensen agrees amiably. He chuckles to himself at a sudden memory. “We wouldn’t want another Tempest incident on our hands.” Jensen is too caught up in the moment to realize what he’s saying or that Jared has gone eerily still behind him. “Shit, I will never forget the look on your face when that ship set broke and Alfonso went rolling across the stage. You had the giggles through the whole second act and then that old lady hit you with her program. Priceless.”
“… What?”
It’s then that Jensen realizes what he said and his shoulders draw up as he slowly turns to face Jared. He’s wide-eyed and pale, hands clenched at his sides and mouth slack in surprise.
“Oh shit,” Jensen says. He takes a step forward and Jared takes one back. “Jared, fuck.”
“That happened fifteen years ago! How did you know all that?” Jared demands as he drops the paintbrush from his hand. It hits the floor and splatters blue paint everywhere. “What do you mean you’ll never forget?”
Jensen’s heart is pounding and his eyes flick towards the exit before landing back on Jared. He swallows hard and looks Jared up and down as his heart threatens to beat right out of his chest.
“I fucked up big time,” Jensen says, voice cracking with emotion. He meets Jared’s wild eyes and then turns to walk out of the theater.
Jensen is back in Misha’s apartment for less than five minutes before Jared barrels in after him without knocking, door thumping against the wall before he grabs it and slams it shut. Jensen tenses and then jumps up from the sofa.
“Answers,” Jared grits out in that voice that means that he’s really angry, the voice he never uses with his students. “Now.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“The truth would be a great place to start,” Jared spits. Jensen sighs and drags his hand down his face before looking up at Jared with an earnest expression.
“I’m exactly who you thought I was when I first walked into your classroom,” Jensen tells him sincerely. “I’m Jensen Ackles, give or take twenty years.”
“Bullshit.”
“And you’re Jared Tristan Padalecki,” Jensen continues on as if Jared hadn’t spoken. “Born July 19, 1975. Son of Gerry and Sherri, brother of Jeff and Megan.”
“It’s not like that’s exactly classified information,” Jared says angrily. “That doesn’t prove anything.”
“Your favorite color is pink, even if you deny it,” Jensen replies, not really all that surprised that his voice is shaking. “You love gummy worms but you hate gummy bears. You write a check for fifty bucks to the ASPCA every month. Even back before you could really afford it. You eat Coldstone cake batter ice cream even though it gives you a stomachache. There’s this mole in the groove of your left hip and you shake when I kiss it. I know you, Jared. Inside and out. It’s me.”
“Oh my god,” Jared mumbles. “This can’t actually be true.”
“It’s his spirit path, or whatever,” Misha says from his spot at the dining room table, just a few feet behind Jared. He jumps like he’s been shot, one hand going to his chest as he whirls around to face him. “That’s Jensen. Believe it, because I really don’t want to hear about any more of your erogenous zones.”
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Jared demands, and Misha’s cereal spoon stops halfway to his mouth.
“Uh, I don’t know if you realize who’s door you just broke down,” Misha tells him, “but I live here.”
Jared turns back to Jensen, face lined with confusion and pain, and Jensen huffs a breath. He turns to Misha, who munches on his cereal as his eyes flick between the two of them like a particularly interesting tennis match.
“You knew?” Jared asks, and Misha’s eyes go big and blue like he’s trying to make himself look innocent. “And you didn’t tell me?”
“Would you have believed me?” Misha asks. “’Oh Jared, by the way, Jensen woke up as a teenager and decided to enroll at your school. Watch out.’”
“Could you just give us a minute?” Jensen asks, and Misha rolls his eyes.
“Again, this is my apartment,” Misha replies. “And it’s not like one or both of you isn’t going to come crying on my shoulder later anyway, so I might as well know what’s going on. I’ve been your joint best friend for fifteen years and I’m not about to leave now.”
Jensen glowers at him, the expression probably working quite well on his teenaged face, and then suddenly Jared is coming towards him. His eyes are soft and curious, and he lets out a quiet gasp as he cups Jensen’s cheeks in his large hands. Apparently, Misha serving as their audience doesn’t really effect him and Jensen can’t really bring himself to care either.
“Jesus, Jensen, you look – you’re…” He cuts himself off in favor of running his thumbs underneath Jensen’s oversized, youthful eyes while the pads of his fingers skirt down the sides of Jensen’s sensitive neck. Jensen looks up at Jared through his eyelashes, noting the barely-there lines at the corners of Jared’s mouth and eyes, brand new signs of his age. “How did this happen?”
“I don’t really know,” Jensen admits. His breathing has quickened and he tries not to let it show just how much he’s affected by Jared’s hands on him for the first time in months. “It just sort of – “
“It was a homeless fortune teller,” Misha says casually as he licks the milk from his spoon. “She did this.”
“Watching does not equal participating, Misha,” Jensen says without looking away from Jared. He’s just so, so large. Jensen was always very aware that his former partner, husband, boyfriend, whatever the hell you want to call him, was quite big. But Jensen had watched him grow, had grown with him, so it never really hit him.
Jared is a fucking giant, all muscles and bulk, and now that Jensen has been thrown back into his lithe, slender teenage body and Jared is right up against him, he can’t help but to marvel at his size. Jensen sort of wants to bury his face in Jared’s chest and never leave again.
“Why did you enroll in my school?” Jared asks, fingertips tracing the lines of Jensen’s smooth jaw seemingly of their own accord. Jensen feels his eyes slip shut, lips parting on a soft sigh. “Why didn’t you just talk to me?”
“I heard about the acting scholarship,” Jensen mumbles, too wrapped up in Jared’s hands on him to be anything but honest. He hears a thump and a clatter and it vaguely registers as the sound of Misha’s head connecting exasperatedly with the tabletop. “I wanted to be in the play.”
Jared’s hands are suddenly gone from his face and he takes his warmth away when he steps back. Jensen’s eyes flutter open and he sees Jared’s face. His eyes are shining but not yet welling with tears, and he bites his bottom lip to keep it from trembling.
Jensen has never hated himself more than he does in that moment.
“I should have known,” Jared says roughly. “I thought maybe you, uh. But that’s stupid. Of course it was the play. Your dream.”
“Jared – “
“No,” he says, holding up a hand. He smiles but it isn’t happy, not at all. Jensen feels anguished, all torn up inside, and he knows that it has nothing to do with his overactive hormones. “I won’t out you, mostly because no one will believe me anyway. The play starts in three days, and then this will be over. You can have a second chance at life because the first one wasn’t good enough, and you’ll never have to see me again.”
“Jared, I don’t want that,” Jensen says brokenly, and Jared huffs out a sound that could be laughter if it weren’t so damn heartbreaking.
“No, Jensen. You’ve made it perfectly clear that you do,” Jared says as he heads for the door. His cheeks are red and his eyes are puffy like they get when he’s upset but he’s trying not to show it. “Look at you. Jensen Ackles in the prime of his life all over again, and this time you don’t have to waste it all on me.”
“Jared, please.”
“Goodbye, Jensen,” Jared says softly, and Jensen gets a brief flash of just how much pain Jared is feeling when their eyes meet.
And then the door is closing with a soft snick, and Jared is gone.
Jensen looks over at Misha as a tear spills out over one eye. He’s surprised by it, starting a little as he reaches up to wipe it away.
“You’re such a dumbass,” Misha says as he gets up from the table. Jensen just nods, eyes squeezing shut as Misha wraps his arms around him in a tight hug.
“Why are you still here?” Jensen asks quietly against the roughness of Misha’s jaw. “Why do you put up with me?”
“You’re just a stupid kid who doesn’t know what he wants,” Misha says, but there’s a fondness in his voice that Jensen can’t ignore. “I guess it isn’t your fault that it’s still true twenty years later.”
“Go be with Jared, okay?” Jensen asks shakily as he extricates himself from Misha’s hug. “He needs you.”
“Are you sure?” Misha asks, and Jensen nods as she squeezes his eyes shut. He opens them to find Misha grabbing his coat, already halfway out the door.
Jensen slumps down onto the sofa and now, more than ever, he knows exactly who he is.
An asshole.
The next day at school is, in so many words, awkward as fucking hell.
Jensen is out of it all day, tired and downtrodden as he drags himself around behind his friends. Katie notices and tries to coax a reason out of him, but Jensen just blames it on lack of sleep and stress over the play.
Jensen is inexplicably nervous as he enters Jared’s classroom at the end of the day. He shoots Jared a look but he’s bent over his desk, scribbling something into a day planner. He doesn’t even look up as Jensen passes by.
Jared gets up only after the bell rings and clears his throat as he faces the class. He looks exhausted, eyes dark and puffy and skin pale, but he puts on a happy face for his students.
Instead of going through with his lesson plan, Jared puts in a DVD of Romeo + Juliet, the Leo version, which is more like what they’re doing with the play. He presses play and then drops down tiredly at his desk, gaze flitting over Jensen for just a moment before he turns to face his computer.
Jensen rests his head on top of his crossed arms and drifts off, dreaming of star-crossed lovers and paint-smeared stages.
Katie and Jake practically have to drag him to rehearsal after class when all he really wants to do is go home and bury himself under the covers. The last thing he wants to do right now is recite lines about love and pain.
Jensen stumbles to a halt when he sees Chad sitting in Jared’s usual seat, and his eyes dart around the theater to look for him. He doesn’t see Jared anywhere, and he doesn’t know whether to be disappointed or relieved.
“Okay, drama geeks,” Chad calls out from his seat. “Your fearless leader has some things to take care of, so he won’t be here to lead you fearlessly. And since I don’t know anything about this play, you’re all on set duty. Create worlds, or whatever. Opening night is Thursday, as in the day after tomorrow. Mr. P told me to make sure you finalize the sets and run lines if you need to. He’ll be here tomorrow for the dress rehearsal.”
Katie, Jake, and Kyle all shrug at each other and drop their bags before climbing onto the stage. Jensen flits about, unsure of how much Chad knows.
“Uh, Mr. Murray?” Jensen says, wrinkling his nose at being forced to address Chad formally. Chad turns his head and narrows his eyes at Jensen, who swallows hard. “Is Mr. P alright?”
“Far as I know, Mitchell,” Chad says, and Jensen lets out a sigh of relief when Chad calls him by his alias. So Jared didn’t tell him. Not that he necessarily thought that Jared would, but it’s still a relief. “Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it.”
“Jake!” Jensen calls as he climbs up onto the stage after jogging away from a bored-looking Chad. “I need you guys to make Juliet’s tower more stable. We don’t want Katie doing any stunts, alright?”
“Yeah, sure, man,” Jake replies, and Jensen pats him on the shoulder. “Wait, where are you going?”
“I have something that I have to take care of,” Jensen tells him. “I have my cell if you need me. Run lines with Katie if she needs it. You are my understudy, after all.”
“Don’t remind me,” Jake says with a roll of his eyes. “Is everything alright?”
“I’ll get back to you on that,” Jensen calls over his shoulder as he hops off of the stage. He pushes out of the theater and into the bright sunlight, jogging away from the school until he can hail a cab.
Jensen soon comes to find that staring at the front door of the house that you’ve spent the last decade living in with your wonderful partner, who kicked you out and probably hates you now, and wondering whether or not to knock is a very, very awkward feeling.
The decision ends up being made for him when the dogs start to bark loudly, curious and protective. Jensen lets out a surprised little noise and presses his hand against the door. The dogs were Jared’s idea, rescues that Jared had to pout and puppy eye at Jensen until he gave in and said that he could keep them. He had no idea how much he had actually missed them, not until he hears their claws scratching at the door.
“Sadie, Harley, stop that!” Jared’s voice is booming on the other side of the door, his authoritative alpha male voice, and the dogs let out twin whines before falling silent. He pulls the door open, eyes going wide when he spots Jensen.
The dogs rush out and nearly knock him off of the porch and Jensen chuckles as he leans down to pet them. They don’t seem to care what body he’s in, not as long as they get their ears scratched.
“So, uh,” Jensen starts lamely, letting the dogs knock at his hands as he looks up at Jared. He’s changed into a pair of soft looking black lounge pants and a white v-neck tee. He looks comfortable and warm. “You weren’t at rehearsal.”
“Can you blame me?” Jared asks as he steps aside to let Jensen and the dogs into the house. He closes the door and turns around to face him. “I had just found out that the new student that I thought I was going to go to hell for lusting over is not my quasi-nephew, but actually my ex-partner of twenty years that’s somehow been magically transformed back into a teenager so he can fulfill his dream of becoming an actor. I’m a bit freaked out, if you can believe it.”
“You were lusting over me?” Jensen asks with a weak grin, just for lack of anything better to say. Jared arches a brow, patented bitchface slipping into place. Jensen clears his throat. “Too soon, I get it.”
“What do you want, Jensen?” Jared asks as he wanders barefoot out of the foyer to let the dogs out into the backyard. Jensen gets this weird sense memory urge to grab Jared by the back of the shirt and push him down onto their sofa. He manages to resist.
“I, uh, well. I rushed all the way over here and now I have no idea what to say,” Jensen tells him, running his fingers through his hair. He clears his throat and bites his lip, eyes fixed on the cherry hardwood that he and Jared picked out together. “I just don’t want you to hate me,” he admits in a voice that isn’t much more than a whisper.
“Jensen, I don’t really know how I feel,” Jared says on an exhale. “But I don’t hate you.”
“You don’t?” Jensen asks, head snapping upwards. “Can we maybe talk?”
“Yeah,” Jared says tiredly as he curls up on one end of the sofa. Jensen sits on the other end and turns to face Jared, who scoffs. “Shit, this is going to take some getting used to. But go ahead, talk.”
And then Jensen takes him quite literally. He launches into the whole tale, telling Jared about him coming to visit and the yearbook and the old fortune teller, about waking up young and Misha’s reaction. He tells him about Los Angeles and the phone call from the acting academy, and about the decision to enroll at Jared’s school. He tells Jared everything, every single thing, and by the time he winds it up with how much he missed the dogs, Jared is just staring at him.
“I don’t know,” Jensen says awkwardly, trying to fill the silence. “That’s just what I assumed I was supposed to do. I mean, it’s not like you would have wanted me back with how I am now.”
“I know how much shit you were put through when we got together,” Jared says, brows knit together. “What with me being so young. Did you think that I wouldn’t go through the same for you?”
“It’s not that I didn’t think you would,” Jensen replies quietly. “I just didn’t want you to.”
“And that’s our problem.” Jared sighs and slides his fingers through his silky hair before continuing. “Look, Jensen. I understand why everything happened. Well, maybe not why you look like you just waltzed out of an Abercrombie catalog, but what happened between us, I mean. Why we split up? I get it.”
“Because I’m a selfish asshole,” Jensen mumbles as he curls his feet under himself.
“More like the opposite,” Jared corrects, and Jensen looks up with a vaguely confused expression. Jared sighs and shifts a tiny bit closer to him. “Look, Jensen. I am under no illusion that our relationship was ever really an equal one, in terms of sacrifices. When we got together, you said no to California so we could be together while I finished high school. When I got accepted to Stanford, you said no to Los Angeles so that I could go to a good college. When I got offered my teaching job, you said no to what you wanted again and we bought this house. You’ve been saying no to everything except me since the day we met.”
“Jared,” he says, swallowing hard. “You never asked anything of me. All I ever wanted to do was make you happy. Maybe I lost sight of that somewhere along the way.”
“Or maybe you just got tired of saying no,” Jared says gently, and Jensen looks up at him. “You were wonderful, Jensen. Generous and kind. Too kind. And maybe I took it for granted. Maybe if I had pushed back a little and we made more compromises, we wouldn’t be in this mess.”
“You’re the best thing in my life,” Jensen says without meaning to, and he bites his lip as Jared smiles sadly.
“I’m the only thing in your life, Jensen.”
Jensen opens his mouth and then closes it, realizing that it’s true. Soon after meeting Jared, Jensen dedicated his entire life to him. He would have done anything to make Jared happy, and for two decades, that’s all he needed. He stayed in a town he hated for three years just so he could see Jared smile. He moved to a city mere hours from where he always wanted to go just so Jared could get a good education, and stayed there so he could live out his dream of being a teacher. After awhile, he realized that he never once did anything for himself and he started to wonder what could have been. That’s what got them here.
“I never stopped loving you,” Jensen tells him thickly. “I don’t want you to think that.”
“I never did,” Jared is quick to say. “I know that you love me. I never thought otherwise.”
Jensen knits his brow at that, biting his lip as he looks into Jared’s watery eyes. He knows that he wasn’t exactly easy to be around there at the end, but he remembers how sad Jared had looked when he told Jensen to leave. It was like it was the last thing that he ever wanted to do.
“Look, Jensen,” Jared says after a small sigh. “My life was awesome. I got the perfect boyfriend, a full ride to my first choice school, and I landed my dream job. All you got was me. It’s not exactly a fair trade.”
“Depends on who you ask,” Jensen says, looking right into Jared’s eyes. “I’d say that it was more than generous.”
“You were unhappy,” Jared says bluntly, and Jensen can’t say anything because he knows it was true. He loves Jared, fully and completely, but once he got to thinking about how different his life could have been, he couldn’t let it go. It took root in his brain and began to grow until he could think of nothing else, and he got bitter. “All I wanted was for you to find the answers that you were looking for, and I had hoped that maybe you would come back to me. But if you didn’t, I got twenty perfect years and that’s a hell of a lot more than most.”
“Jared,” Jensen says shakily. His vision is blurred and Jared smiles shyly as he wipes away a tear. Jared is his life, his entire world, and the only thing that he’s ever been sure of. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Whatever you want,” Jared tells him, nodding jerkily as he sniffs quietly. “Anything in the world.”
Jensen nods and looks down at his knees. His chest aches and his mind is swimming. It’s the first time since he was stuck back in this body that he really feels eighteen. He feels as twisted up as he did that night that he sat in his childhood bedroom at the end of that first idyllic summer and made the choice that would decide the next twenty years of his life.
Jensen crawls forward and wraps his hand around the back of Jared’s neck. He lets out a soft exhale and blinks, head bowing in slightly. Jensen pulls him into a hug, and it’s strange. Jared is so big and he’s so small.
“I don’t regret you,” Jensen whispers, and Jared lets out a soft sob as Jensen kisses the corner of his mouth. His lips linger there for a moment, fingers carding through Jared’s hair. “I never did, and I’m sorry we couldn’t figure this all out before it was too late.”
“Me too.” Jared nods and curls his hand around Jensen’s bony hip for a moment before gently pushing him back. Jensen gets up off of the sofa and glances around the living room, at the pictures of them on the walls.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Jared,” Jensen says, and Jared gives him a watery smile and nods. “Dress rehearsal.”
“Tomorrow,” Jared echoes, and Jensen swallows against the ache in his chest as he walks out the front door.
“Wake up.”
“Fuck off, Misha,” Jensen groans, smashing his face further into the pillow as he pulls his comforter over his head. Misha flops down onto his bed, right on top of him, and Jensen groans. “I hate you so goddamn much.”
“If only that were true,” Misha sighs. Jensen growls and pushes at Misha with his feet, which earns him a heavy-handed swat to the ass. “What the fuck is your problem? Get up and go to school.”
“I don’t wanna,” Jensen mumbles into his pillow.
“Oh god. Is the transformation to bitchy teenager finally complete?” Misha asks sarcastically. “Or do you just not want to see Jared?”
“It’ll hurt,” Jensen admits, words garbled through the thick blankets. “You weren’t there last night. It sucked ass, man.”
“You made your bed and now you need to lie in it,” Misha tells him as he rolls off of the bed and rips the blankets off of Jensen. “The metaphorical bed out in the world. Not this one. Get up.”
Jensen lets out a long, bitchy sigh and rolls out of bed to storm past Misha, who just smirks irritatingly at him. He spends too long in the shower, letting the hot water wash over phantom aches leftover from a body twenty years older than the one that he’s in.
He gets dressed, downs a mug of too-hot coffee, and grabs his backpack off of the floor before heading to school. He checks out, doesn’t listen to a goddamn thing anyone says to him all day, just like a true teenager.
He lingers outside of Jared’s classroom, nodding at Jake and Kyle as they walk in. Katie stops to arch a brow at him and she diverts her course, passing the classroom door to come to a halt in front of him.
“What’s wrong, Jason?” She asks, and Jensen shrugs. “Nervous about the play?”
“I’m nervous about a lot of things,” Jensen tells her. She smiles, this understanding little quirk of her lips, and Jensen can’t help but to smile back. She’s been a good friend to him.
“It’ll all work out,” Katie tells him, and holds out her hand for him to take. “Trust me.”
Jensen takes her hand and lets her lead him into the classroom. Jared is standing behind his desk and Jensen’s eyes are drawn to him immediately. Their eyes meet and Jared gives him a sad sort of smile before looking back down and letting his hair fall into his face.
They watch the second half of Romeo + Juliet that day. Or well, the rest of class does. Jensen never looks away from Jared where he’s bent over his desk, biting his lips in concentration as he grades papers in the dark.
There’s two hours between school ending and their final dress rehearsal, so Jensen, Katie, Kyle, Jake and a few of their other friends from the play go to the pizza place across the street to kill time.
Jensen doesn’t talk much. Instead he picks at his slice and watches his friends. They talk about trivial things – crushes and clothes and parties. Jensen wonders if this is what the rest of his life will be like. Growing up all over again, listening to the same bullshit over and over again.
When it’s finally time for the dress rehearsal, they all head back over to the school to change into their costumes. Jensen looks at himself in the full-length mirror, all decked out as Romeo, and lets out a long breath. He takes in his too-big eyes and pouty lips, sinewy limbs and narrow shoulders, and suddenly the thought of growing older all over again is exhausting.
Maybe he’s just tired. He needs to get through rehearsal and get a good night’s sleep. Tomorrow is a big day.
They do a complete run-through of the play and Jensen remembers why he’s here. He loves acting, the whole entire process. He loves pretending to be someone else and he loves watching people around him throw themselves into their work.
“O true apothecary!” Jensen says, voice heavy with emotion as he utters his final lines of the play. “Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die.”
Jensen acts out Romeo’s death and then lies there next to Katie, eyes slipping shut as a breath escapes his lungs.
Their cast mates move around them, finishing out the play, and Jensen stays still and silent. A laidback, quiet boy named Brock is playing the Prince, and Jensen focuses hard as he delivers the final lines of the play.
“Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things,” he says from the front of the stage. Jensen knows that Jared usually has tears in his eyes by this point whenever they watch the movie or see a production. Jensen wants to turn his head and see of they’ve moved Jared to that point. That, more than anything, would be the greatest compliment, the best review that their performance could receive. But he lies still, does his job. “Some shall be pardon’d, and some punished. For never was a story of more woe, than this of Juliet and her Romeo.”
Jensen hears a thunderous applause and he opens his eyes to see Jared leading it with a proud grin on his face. His eyes are wet and Jensen’s breath catches in his throat. He wants to jump off of the stage and into Jared’s arms, wipe the tears away. Instead he just catches Jared’s eye, frozen to the stage as Katie throws her arms around him and kisses his cheek.
Jared grins at him, bright and proud, and nods once. Jensen swallows hard and allows Katie to break him from his stupor, turning to smile at his leading lady.
[onto part four.]
Jensen likes having gym right before lunch. It means that he can linger in the locker room if sometimes he just doesn’t want to deal with the masses out in the cafeteria.
He’s one of the last guys hanging around after gym, pausing to check his hair one last time before leaving, when he hears Jared’s voice filtering out from Chad’s open office door.
Jensen swallows and looks around before dropping down into a chair just out of sight. He knows that he shouldn’t eavesdrop, but he’s only gotten teacher Jared since they broke up. He just wants to hear Jared, if only for a moment.
“Dude, you need to come out with me this weekend,” Chad says. Jensen somehow just knows that Jared is wrinkling his nose at the suggestion. Jared was never really one for the club scene, except on the rarest of occasions. “Jared, you need to put yourself back out there. Meet someone.”
Jensen grits his teeth at that, bristling at Chad’s words. It’s a visceral reaction that makes his heart clench.
“Chad, we broke up six weeks ago,” Jared replies with a bit of an exasperated air about him. Jensen isn’t sure why Jared is friends with Chad. He doesn’t even think Jared is sure why he’s friends with Chad. “It’s too soon.”
“How is that too soon? It’s been six weeks.”
“We were together for twenty years, Chad. Over half of our lives.” Jared lets out a deep sigh that Jensen feels down to his bones. “That requires a brutal bitch of a mourning period.”
“Whatever,” Chad replies, a bit uncomfortably. “You’re just not the same since you left him.”
“Of course I’m not the same. I was with Jensen every day of my life since I was fifteen.” Jensen slumps his shoulders and leans heavily against the wall, head thumping softly against plaster as he listens. “I know you’ve never had a relationship last longer than a box of condoms, so let me break it down for you. It’s like someone came along and ripped off one of your appendages. It was there all your life and you loved it and relied on it and then it’s just… gone.”
Jensen swallows hard, eyes slipping shut. The pain in Jared’s voice is palpable. For a moment Jensen wonders why they’re even apart, but then the corner of his Economics text book digs into his back and he remembers.
“Which appendage are we talking about? Because that ultimately decides my level of despair,” Chad replies in a smarmy tone. There’s a long moment of silence in which Jensen can very clearly picture Jared’s blank stare. “Okay fine, I get it. You’re hurting. All the more reason to go out with me. I’m not saying find someone new to settle down with. Just take someone home. Blow off some steam.”
Jensen swallows hard. If Matt’s kiss taught him anything, it’s that he can’t even stand the idea of ever being with anyone else. The thought of someone else touching Jared makes his blood boil and his stomach turn. He’s always been a bit of the jealous type, but then again, Jared always sort of liked that.
“I can’t do that. I’m not you,” Jared replies, and Jensen thanks God for small favors. “I’ve only been with one person and right now I’m not at all interested in being with another.”
Jensen almost cracks a smile at that. Jared has always been a romantic. He didn’t even let Jensen get to third base until they had been together for over a month. But Jensen hadn’t minded the wait, because he was worth it.
“You still think that he’s going to come back, don’t you?” Chad’s voice is hesitant and a little disbelieving like maybe he’s holding back a scoff. Jensen sits up a little at that.
“Chad,” Jared says warningly.
“Jared, come on,” Chad replies boldly. “You’re the one that broke it off, and I know what you hoped would happen when you did, but maybe it won’t.”
“I know. I just want him to be happy,” Jared says quietly, and Jensen’s heart clenches. He hangs his head shamefully, eyes slipping shut for a moment.
“And I want you to be happy.”
“Well Chad, right now I’m not. And going out to fuck some stranger when Jensen’s touch is the only one I’ve ever known – “
“Whoa, dude.”
“-isn’t going to change that. So just drop it,” Jared finishes sharply, and Jensen lets out a huff as he rests his cheek against the wall. He isn’t sure that he wants to hear anymore. “I just – yes, just – broke up with the person that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I’m going to fucking be sad for awhile, despite your best efforts. Deal with it, or leave me alone.”
“I don’t want to leave you alone.”
“Thanks, because I really don’t want to be,” Jared says. He sounds tired, exhausted even. Jensen wonders if he tosses and turns as much as he does at night. It’s hard to sleep alone after nearly twenty years of having a warm body next to you. “Right now I just want a goddamn cup of coffee.”
Jensen swallows hard, head snapping up as he makes a choice and stands. He walks right up to the door and grabs the frame as he swings into the room.
“Did someone say coffee?” He asks, attempting to put on a cheery tone. Chad jumps and Jared looks at him with a somewhat alarmed expression on his face.
“Holy shit, Mitchell,” Chad gasps. “You can’t just sneak up on people like that. Christ.”
“Jason. Uh, hey,” Jared says cautiously. Jensen gives him an innocent smile. “How long have you been standing there?”
“Just walked up,” Jensen lies. “Heard you say coffee. Are you going to get a cup? I’d love to mooch one off of you and talk about the play. I have a few ideas.”
“Uh, sure.” Jared gets up and grabs his messenger bag, nodding at Chad as he pulls it over his head. “I’ll catch you later.”
“Oh, okay. Go on a coffee date with your ex’s teenage clone,” Chad says with a derisive snort. “That will definitely help.”
“That’s enough, Chad,” Jared says, leveling him with a glare before turning to face Jensen, who tries to make himself look more like a dedicated student and less like a lovesick puppy. “Come on, Jason.”
They leave the gym in silence, and Jared seems to be lost in his thoughts as they make their way down the open, empty walkway towards the administration building. Jensen opens and closes his mouth a few times, fingers coming up to grip the straps of his backpack.
“Confession.” The word tumbles from his lips before his brain even gave him permission to speak, and Jensen swallows hard as Jared turns to him with an arched brow. “I, uh, didn’t really want to talk about the play. You just sounded like you needed to be rescued.”
Jared comes to a halt, eyes slightly wide as he looks at Jensen. He opens his mouth and then closes it as a delicate blush stains his cheeks. Jensen awkwardly rubs the back of his neck.
“I didn’t hear too much,” Jensen says, adding to the growing mental list of lies that he’s told Jared over the past few weeks. “And I won’t say anything.”
“Thanks, I suppose.” It’s all Jared offers and Jensen doesn’t push for more. They reach the teacher’s lounge and Jared nods to a nearby picnic table before ducking inside. Jensen shrugs off his backpack and drops it onto the bench next to him as he sits down heavily. He lets out a harsh breath and rests his head on his crossed arms, eyes shut as he tries to stave off a headache.
Jared comes back a few minutes later and sits down across from him. His fingertip taps the top of Jensen’s head and he pops up to look at him. He takes the hot cup, one cream no sugar, and smiles gratefully. Jared looks off into the distance, eyes narrowed thoughtfully, and Jensen can’t shake the ache in his heart.
“Can I tell you something?” He says quietly, and Jared’s gaze travels back to his face. Jensen swallows hard, but he can’t quite make himself look away.
“Sure.”
“You said that you were sad and, uh, you aren’t alone,” Jensen admits, and Jared looks pained. “He isn’t taking this very well either.”
“Jason, I told you – “
“Not to talk about this stuff. Yeah, I know,” Jensen interrupts. Jared rolls his lips into his mouth and Jensen huffs out a sigh as he stares down into his coffee. “I just wanted you to know that. He misses you every second.”
Jared is quiet for what feels like a long time, and Jensen takes a sip of the coffee just for something to do.
“Knowing that we’re both in pain doesn’t really help, but I appreciate the sentiment,” Jared finally says. His voice is a little rougher than it was before, and Jensen looks up sadly when Jared stands, coffee mug clutched tightly in his fingers. He’s run Jared off again. “And thanks for the daring rescue. I’ll see you in class, okay?”
“Sure,” Jensen says with a humorless smirk, nodding as Jared turns to walk away. “See you soon.”
Jensen doesn’t really pay much attention in Jared’s class that day. When the bell finally rings, he shrugs off the attentions of his friends and leaves campus alone, opting to walk back to Misha’s apartment in hopes that it will clear his head.
It doesn’t. He’s just as confused as he was after overhearing Jared and Chad talking. Misha isn’t home to provide any semblance of comfort and Jensen sighs as he tosses his backpack on the floor near the door. It rolls a few times and comes to a stop up against the small stack of boxes that hold all of Jensen’s belongings from his office.
Misha had gone to collect them after Jensen resigned and he hasn’t had the time or desire to go through them. One of the boxes is less uniform than the others, sagging with age and covered in tape, and Jensen recognizes it as the box of old stuff that Jared brought in on Jensen’s last day as an adult.
Jensen pulls that box out from the middle of the stack and drops to his knees in front of it, pulling up the flaps to reveal the mess inside. It’s such an odd assortment of items, all of them with some story to tell, and Jensen picks up the California or Bust! photo album. He runs his fingers over the cover but he doesn’t open it, instead shoving it into his backpack as he leaves the apartment.
It’s a bit of a cab ride to Twin Peaks Park but Jensen doesn’t mind. He pays the driver and then gets out of the car, trudging up a hill until he finds an open bench to drop down onto.
Twin Peaks Park overlooks the city of San Francisco and Jensen takes in the view for a bit, pulling a pair of sunglasses from his backpack as he squints against the sun. It really is a breathtaking city, dense yet sprawling and surrounded by shimmering blue water. Jensen is happy to call it home.
Jensen looks around, making sure no one is hovering close by before he extracts the photo album and rests it on his lap. He swallows hard as he opens it to a random page and looks down. He’s confronted with a picture of the two of them in front of the Grand Canyon, hair windblown and eyes squinted against the sun. He remembers the picture being taken by a sweet older woman, eyes twinkling as she looked them over. Jared’s arm is slung over Jensen’s shoulders, their fingers tangled together over Jensen’s chest.
Jensen lets out a deep sigh as he stares down at the photo.
“Hey man, do you mind?” Jensen looks up to see a tall, dark-skinned man standing over him with a cigarette between his lips. He doesn’t wait for an answer before settling himself on the bench next to Jensen and blowing his smoke out into the air. “Sometimes a guy just wants a smoke, you know? Tourists always get twitchy. Like one breath’ll kill ‘em.”
“How’d you know that I was a local?” Jensen asks, instead of telling the guy to fuck off like he’s originally intended.
“You’ve just got that look about you,” the guy says, and he holds out the hand not clutching a cigarette. “Aldis. Pleased to meet you.”
“Jensen,” he replies, shaking the guy’s hand briefly before dropping his hand back to the photo album.
“Two weird names for two weird dudes, am I right?” Aldis asks. Jensen watches as he takes another drag, and then shakes his head when Aldis offers the cigarette to him. “I’m not even gonna lie, man. Looks like one heavy weight you’re carrying.”
“And how would you know?” Jensen asks, not hostile but merely curious. There’s something about this guy, something intriguing and maybe even comforting.
“I already told you, man,” Aldis replies. “You’ve got that look.”
“What look?” Jensen tries, but Aldis isn’t looking at him anymore. His eyes are focused on the photo album in Jensen’s lap. Jensen pulls it towards him a bit, teeth digging into his bottom lip.
“Taking an angsty afternoon stroll down memory lane, huh?” Aldis asks, all too intuitive. “I can dig it. That your man?”
“He was,” Jensen finds himself saying, just before his eyes narrow slightly. “How’d you – oh wait, don’t tell me. I know I’ve got that look.”
Aldis chuckles and tips his head back to exhale a long curl of smoke. Jensen smirks and looks down at the photo album, flipping a page. There’s one of the two of them, slightly blurred and framed on one side by the tan smudge of Jared’s arm. Jensen’s face is buried in Jared’s neck and he remembers that one too, remembers Jared holding up the camera to snap a picture when Jensen wasn’t anywhere near awake yet.
“That’s a good one,” Aldis comments, long finger reaching out to jab at the corner. “Unplanned pictures are always the best. So what happened, man? You two look pretty happy.”
“You always this nosy with complete strangers?” Jensen asks, but there isn’t really any heat in it. Aldis just grins and bumps his shoulder against Jensen’s.
“Who better to unload on than an unbiased stranger, am I right?” Aldis replies as he stubs out his cigarette on the ground next to him. “Lay it on me, man. Free therapy.”
“It’s complicated,” Jensen finds himself saying, mouth curving into a rueful grimace. He’s sort of at his wit’s end. Getting an objective opinion might not be such a bad idea. He can’t tell this guy everything, of course. Not unless he wants to be committed.
“Well hell, man. It’s love, right?” Aldis replies with a grin. “Shit’s always complicated. Otherwise it’d just be friendship.” Jensen turns to look at him, and Aldis tilts his head. “It is still love. That ain’t gone, not on either end.”
“Now how could you possibly know that?” Jensen asks, and Aldis just grins again, white teeth gleaming in the sunshine.
“People say I’m intuitive,” Aldis tells him, and rolls his eyes when Jensen raises a brow. “Man, I’m serious. I’m good at this shit. It’s written all over your face. You’re in love and you’re loved but there’s something standin’ in the way. I’ve seen it a million times.”
“His name’s Jared,” Jensen says, rolling his lips into his mouth in surprise. “He, uh, left me. My life didn’t really turn out the way that I thought it would and I guess I sort of, well, blamed him? I didn’t mean to, but yeah. I was sort of an asshole. Pretty sure he’s better off without me.”
“Don’t sell yourself short,” Aldis tells him. “I know from assholes, man, and you aren’t one. Well, maybe a little bit. But you’re workin’ on it, and that’s what counts.”
“Maybe,” Jensen says with a shrug. “To be honest, I’m just really fucking confused. I had this plan, this certain way I was going to live my life, and it didn’t happen. And the life I did get wasn’t bad, not by a long shot, but now I’ve got another chance. Do I live a different life just because of that?”
“Whoa, man,” Aldis chuckles. “First off, you’ve gotta stop talking like an old man. You’ve got one hell of a life in front of you, kid.”
All Jensen can do is snort.
“Okay, so. Classic story, heard it a thousand times. The one that got away,” Aldis says, and Jensen turns slightly. “I had one of those. This girl, man, there aren’t words for this girl. Beth’s her name. We were together all through college. Inseparable and whatnot. Graduation comes along and she wants one thing, I want another. So we split. I go my way and she goes hers.”
Aldis doesn’t say anything for a long moment, and Jensen blinks.
“Is that it?” He asks. “Some story, man.”
“Let me finish,” Aldis replies. “So I do my thing, live my life. And it’s a damn good life, let me tell you. No complaints. Did everything I ever wanted, but you know what? None of it meant a goddamn thing without her. You never get over the one that got away. Shit’s cliché for a reason.”
“So what happened?”
“Can’t fight fate, man,” Aldis tells him. “Just like I couldn’t fight Beth. Five years go by, man. Still not over her, so I finally give in. I call her, and guess what? She ain’t over me either. When it’s meant to be it’s meant to be; that’s that. So five years pass where I did all my own shit and I’m telling you right now, I’d trade it all to have spent that time with her. All that wasted time, shit. It’ll eat at you.”
“So you and Beth?” Jensen asks. “You worked it out?”
“Hell yeah,” Aldis replies with a grin. “No way we couldn’t. That’s why she’s in an apartment a few miles from here with the cutest little baby girl you ever did see. That’s the life I’m supposed to live, man. This one right here.”
Jensen smiles wanly and clutches the edges of the photo album tighter. Aldis leans in closer and plucks another cigarette from his pack.
“Everyone’s story is different, man,” Aldis says. “But I’m telling you, if you think you’re prepared to live a life without your Jared, you’re fuckin’ fooling yourself. You wouldn’t be sitting up here on this overlook staring down at his picture if you were. You’re the worst fuckin’ teenage cliché, I’m telling you.”
“I’m not a cliché,” Jensen mumbles, but his chest is sort of achy and he squints out against the setting sun. It’s chilly up here and he curls up a bit, trying to keep himself warm.
“Seen it a thousand times,” Aldis says with a cocky grin. “I’m just telling you, man. If you’re supposed to be with Jared, you’re gonna damn well be with him. Maybe not now, maybe not even in a decade. But when it’s fate, when it’s real? Well, there’s just no point in fighting that. That’s all I’m saying.”
“I don’t think I know how to live without him,” Jensen admits. It’s sort of true. The first thing he did upon turning back into a teenager was enroll in Jared’s school. Even stuck how he is now, he hasn’t really gone without Jared.
“Maybe you’re not supposed to,” Aldis suggests, and Jensen looks over at him. “But hey man, what do I know?”
“A lot, it seems,” Jensen mumbles, and Aldis grins around the filter of his cigarette. He gets up and Jensen looks around before pulling himself up off of the bench.
“Go home before you freeze, man,” Aldis tells him. “And don’t worry too hard. You’re smart, I can tell. You got a lot of heart, and it’ll steer you right every time. Trust me.”
“Thanks,” Jensen says warmly, and Aldis shakes his hand. One more grin, one last curl of smoke, and Aldis turns and walks away. Jensen is left blinking after him, frozen to the bone and fingers numb around the edges of the photo album.
Jensen takes a breath and turns in the other direction to walk back down the hill.
When Jensen gets back to the apartment, Misha is sprawled across the floor with a thick cloud of smoke over his head.
Jensen doesn’t even really stop to think before he lies down next to his friend, shoulders pressed together as Jensen lets out a harsh sigh. Misha hands him the joint wordlessly and Jensen sucks greedily on it, eyes slipping shut as his lungs fill with smoke.
“Long day?” Misha asks, and Jensen manages a nod as he blows smoke into the air. His eyes water and his lungs burn. It’s been awhile since he’s done this. “If I were a better fake parent I would feel bad for contributing to the delinquency of a minor.”
Jensen doesn’t say anything, just hits the joint again before handing it back over to Misha. His head starts to swim pleasantly and he coughs a little after letting out the second lungful.
“Why are we on the floor?” Jensen finally asks, and Misha shrugs up against him.
“Why not?” He replies, voice strained by the smoke in his lungs. Jensen turns his head to watch as he exhales, and then takes another hit when Misha holds the joint to his lips.
“I think I’m unhappy,” Jensen says after awhile, and Misha slides his arm between Jensen’s shoulders and the floor. “Why do I always seem to be unhappy?”
“No tears in the bong water, man,” Misha says slowly, and Jensen rearranges himself, curling in towards him just a bit. Misha’s a cuddly stoner and Jensen can’t find it in him to refuse.
“We’re not using a bong,” Jensen mumbles against Misha’s shoulder, inhaling the warm cotton smell of him.
“Semantics.” Misha waves the joint in the air and Jensen’s eyes track the glowing red cherry. “Look, Jen. You’re always unhappy because you make yourself unhappy. You fuckin’ look for misery wherever the hell you can. That’s just who you are.”
“Who I am sucks,” Jensen replies, and Misha just shrugs a little as he takes another hit.
“No arguments here.”
“You’re almost as bad at parenting as you are at being a friend,” Jensen says sloppily, blinking owlishly as he stares at the side of Misha’s face.
“Jensen, you’re not a bad guy,” Misha tells him. “You’re a great guy, actually. But you think too goddamn much. Just… stop.”
“Stop thinking?” Jensen inquires, and Misha turns to look at him. He lifts his hand, pinching the joint between two fingers as he presses it to Jensen’s lips.
“For the love of all that is holy,” Misha says as Jensen inhales. “Yes, stop thinking. When you’re happy, don’t question it. Just fuckin’ be happy.”
“No thinking,” Jensen says against the warmth of Misha’s bicep. “Be happy.”
“Now who’s a bad fake parent?” Misha mumbles roughly. “Suck on that, bitch.”
“Yeah, we’ve got a real Norman Rockwell thing going on here,” Jensen says lethargically as he watches Misha finish off the joint. “Inspiring.”
“Stop thinking,” Misha repeats as he pulls Jensen closer to him.
Jensen does his best to shut off his brain and lets out a breath. He’s not thinking, not at all, but he can’t stop seeing Jared when he closes his eyes.
And yeah, it makes him happy.
Jensen sucks on the tip of his thumb as he steps back from the set, head tipping to the side as he admires his work.
It’s less than a week until opening night and they’ve been finalizing sets all afternoon. The kids started to wander out near dinnertime, and soon only the dedicated remain.
Katie dances to the music on the radio with paint smears across her arms and legs and Jake and Kyle keep moving heavy boxes around in a failed attempt to look manly. Jared and Jensen are the only ones really working, and Jensen smiles at the smell of paint. He doesn’t even mind the way his thumb throbs from hitting it with a hammer. He’s happy.
“I think we’re gonna take off,” Jake says aloud, motioning to Kyle. “We have a paper due tomorrow and we haven’t even started it.”
“You mean the paper due in my class?” Jared asks, turning away from the skeleton of Juliet’s balcony to smirk at them. Jake and Kyle’s eyes widen in perfect unison and they look pleadingly at each other.
“Um, well, you see,” Kyle starts, stumbling over his words. “… Crap.”
“Just go,” Jared says with a laugh. “You too, Ms. Cassidy, as I’m sure you have homework as well.”
“Thanks, Mr. P!” Katie says, and then turns to face Jensen who’s still a bit preoccupied with sucking on the tip of his injured thumb. “What about you, Jason?”
“Finished it over the weekend,” Jensen says around the digit. “I can stay and help a bit longer.”
Katie bounces over to give him a hug and Jake and Kyle wave before they all exit the theater together. They’re close, those three. Jensen feels a bit lucky to be considered part of the group so quickly.
“Looks like it’s just you and me,” Jared says brightly, but his voice is tight like he isn’t exactly happy about it. “How’s your hand?”
“I’m a big boy,” Jensen murmurs as he walks over to Jared. “I’ll be alright.”
He looks up at Jared’s face and it hits him again, for the millionth time since he first saw him twenty years ago, just how beautiful he is. And then Jared is reaching out for him, hand cupping his cheek. Jensen can hardly breathe.
“You’ve got, um,” Jared says quietly as he wipes at Jensen’s cheek with his thumb. “Some paint on you.”
“Oh,” Jensen says dumbly, skin burning where Jared had touched him. It’s been so long since he’s been close to Jared like this, and he misses it. Jesus, does he miss it.
It’s silent in the theater and Jensen leans in without really meaning to. Jared follows him, faces coming close enough to share the air between them. Jensen licks his lips and watches as Jared tracks the movement. His eyes widen and he steps away from Jensen, clearing his throat.
“Got it,” Jared says shakily, too loud in the hushed theater. He holds his hand up and Jensen can see the brown paint on his thumb. He nods and Jared swallows hard, turning away and walking back over to Juliet’s tower.
They work in silence for a bit and Jensen gets lost in the relaxing task of painting, his brain occupied with a happy little buzz of jaredjaredjared. Jensen is content in that moment, happy to simply be in Jared’s presence doing work that they both enjoy.
“Hm,” Jared says, and Jensen slows his paint strokes but doesn’t turn around. “I think Juliet’s tower needs a stronger foundation. It’s a bit wobbly.”
“Right,” Jensen agrees amiably. He chuckles to himself at a sudden memory. “We wouldn’t want another Tempest incident on our hands.” Jensen is too caught up in the moment to realize what he’s saying or that Jared has gone eerily still behind him. “Shit, I will never forget the look on your face when that ship set broke and Alfonso went rolling across the stage. You had the giggles through the whole second act and then that old lady hit you with her program. Priceless.”
“… What?”
It’s then that Jensen realizes what he said and his shoulders draw up as he slowly turns to face Jared. He’s wide-eyed and pale, hands clenched at his sides and mouth slack in surprise.
“Oh shit,” Jensen says. He takes a step forward and Jared takes one back. “Jared, fuck.”
“That happened fifteen years ago! How did you know all that?” Jared demands as he drops the paintbrush from his hand. It hits the floor and splatters blue paint everywhere. “What do you mean you’ll never forget?”
Jensen’s heart is pounding and his eyes flick towards the exit before landing back on Jared. He swallows hard and looks Jared up and down as his heart threatens to beat right out of his chest.
“I fucked up big time,” Jensen says, voice cracking with emotion. He meets Jared’s wild eyes and then turns to walk out of the theater.
Jensen is back in Misha’s apartment for less than five minutes before Jared barrels in after him without knocking, door thumping against the wall before he grabs it and slams it shut. Jensen tenses and then jumps up from the sofa.
“Answers,” Jared grits out in that voice that means that he’s really angry, the voice he never uses with his students. “Now.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“The truth would be a great place to start,” Jared spits. Jensen sighs and drags his hand down his face before looking up at Jared with an earnest expression.
“I’m exactly who you thought I was when I first walked into your classroom,” Jensen tells him sincerely. “I’m Jensen Ackles, give or take twenty years.”
“Bullshit.”
“And you’re Jared Tristan Padalecki,” Jensen continues on as if Jared hadn’t spoken. “Born July 19, 1975. Son of Gerry and Sherri, brother of Jeff and Megan.”
“It’s not like that’s exactly classified information,” Jared says angrily. “That doesn’t prove anything.”
“Your favorite color is pink, even if you deny it,” Jensen replies, not really all that surprised that his voice is shaking. “You love gummy worms but you hate gummy bears. You write a check for fifty bucks to the ASPCA every month. Even back before you could really afford it. You eat Coldstone cake batter ice cream even though it gives you a stomachache. There’s this mole in the groove of your left hip and you shake when I kiss it. I know you, Jared. Inside and out. It’s me.”
“Oh my god,” Jared mumbles. “This can’t actually be true.”
“It’s his spirit path, or whatever,” Misha says from his spot at the dining room table, just a few feet behind Jared. He jumps like he’s been shot, one hand going to his chest as he whirls around to face him. “That’s Jensen. Believe it, because I really don’t want to hear about any more of your erogenous zones.”
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Jared demands, and Misha’s cereal spoon stops halfway to his mouth.
“Uh, I don’t know if you realize who’s door you just broke down,” Misha tells him, “but I live here.”
Jared turns back to Jensen, face lined with confusion and pain, and Jensen huffs a breath. He turns to Misha, who munches on his cereal as his eyes flick between the two of them like a particularly interesting tennis match.
“You knew?” Jared asks, and Misha’s eyes go big and blue like he’s trying to make himself look innocent. “And you didn’t tell me?”
“Would you have believed me?” Misha asks. “’Oh Jared, by the way, Jensen woke up as a teenager and decided to enroll at your school. Watch out.’”
“Could you just give us a minute?” Jensen asks, and Misha rolls his eyes.
“Again, this is my apartment,” Misha replies. “And it’s not like one or both of you isn’t going to come crying on my shoulder later anyway, so I might as well know what’s going on. I’ve been your joint best friend for fifteen years and I’m not about to leave now.”
Jensen glowers at him, the expression probably working quite well on his teenaged face, and then suddenly Jared is coming towards him. His eyes are soft and curious, and he lets out a quiet gasp as he cups Jensen’s cheeks in his large hands. Apparently, Misha serving as their audience doesn’t really effect him and Jensen can’t really bring himself to care either.
“Jesus, Jensen, you look – you’re…” He cuts himself off in favor of running his thumbs underneath Jensen’s oversized, youthful eyes while the pads of his fingers skirt down the sides of Jensen’s sensitive neck. Jensen looks up at Jared through his eyelashes, noting the barely-there lines at the corners of Jared’s mouth and eyes, brand new signs of his age. “How did this happen?”
“I don’t really know,” Jensen admits. His breathing has quickened and he tries not to let it show just how much he’s affected by Jared’s hands on him for the first time in months. “It just sort of – “
“It was a homeless fortune teller,” Misha says casually as he licks the milk from his spoon. “She did this.”
“Watching does not equal participating, Misha,” Jensen says without looking away from Jared. He’s just so, so large. Jensen was always very aware that his former partner, husband, boyfriend, whatever the hell you want to call him, was quite big. But Jensen had watched him grow, had grown with him, so it never really hit him.
Jared is a fucking giant, all muscles and bulk, and now that Jensen has been thrown back into his lithe, slender teenage body and Jared is right up against him, he can’t help but to marvel at his size. Jensen sort of wants to bury his face in Jared’s chest and never leave again.
“Why did you enroll in my school?” Jared asks, fingertips tracing the lines of Jensen’s smooth jaw seemingly of their own accord. Jensen feels his eyes slip shut, lips parting on a soft sigh. “Why didn’t you just talk to me?”
“I heard about the acting scholarship,” Jensen mumbles, too wrapped up in Jared’s hands on him to be anything but honest. He hears a thump and a clatter and it vaguely registers as the sound of Misha’s head connecting exasperatedly with the tabletop. “I wanted to be in the play.”
Jared’s hands are suddenly gone from his face and he takes his warmth away when he steps back. Jensen’s eyes flutter open and he sees Jared’s face. His eyes are shining but not yet welling with tears, and he bites his bottom lip to keep it from trembling.
Jensen has never hated himself more than he does in that moment.
“I should have known,” Jared says roughly. “I thought maybe you, uh. But that’s stupid. Of course it was the play. Your dream.”
“Jared – “
“No,” he says, holding up a hand. He smiles but it isn’t happy, not at all. Jensen feels anguished, all torn up inside, and he knows that it has nothing to do with his overactive hormones. “I won’t out you, mostly because no one will believe me anyway. The play starts in three days, and then this will be over. You can have a second chance at life because the first one wasn’t good enough, and you’ll never have to see me again.”
“Jared, I don’t want that,” Jensen says brokenly, and Jared huffs out a sound that could be laughter if it weren’t so damn heartbreaking.
“No, Jensen. You’ve made it perfectly clear that you do,” Jared says as he heads for the door. His cheeks are red and his eyes are puffy like they get when he’s upset but he’s trying not to show it. “Look at you. Jensen Ackles in the prime of his life all over again, and this time you don’t have to waste it all on me.”
“Jared, please.”
“Goodbye, Jensen,” Jared says softly, and Jensen gets a brief flash of just how much pain Jared is feeling when their eyes meet.
And then the door is closing with a soft snick, and Jared is gone.
Jensen looks over at Misha as a tear spills out over one eye. He’s surprised by it, starting a little as he reaches up to wipe it away.
“You’re such a dumbass,” Misha says as he gets up from the table. Jensen just nods, eyes squeezing shut as Misha wraps his arms around him in a tight hug.
“Why are you still here?” Jensen asks quietly against the roughness of Misha’s jaw. “Why do you put up with me?”
“You’re just a stupid kid who doesn’t know what he wants,” Misha says, but there’s a fondness in his voice that Jensen can’t ignore. “I guess it isn’t your fault that it’s still true twenty years later.”
“Go be with Jared, okay?” Jensen asks shakily as he extricates himself from Misha’s hug. “He needs you.”
“Are you sure?” Misha asks, and Jensen nods as she squeezes his eyes shut. He opens them to find Misha grabbing his coat, already halfway out the door.
Jensen slumps down onto the sofa and now, more than ever, he knows exactly who he is.
An asshole.
The next day at school is, in so many words, awkward as fucking hell.
Jensen is out of it all day, tired and downtrodden as he drags himself around behind his friends. Katie notices and tries to coax a reason out of him, but Jensen just blames it on lack of sleep and stress over the play.
Jensen is inexplicably nervous as he enters Jared’s classroom at the end of the day. He shoots Jared a look but he’s bent over his desk, scribbling something into a day planner. He doesn’t even look up as Jensen passes by.
Jared gets up only after the bell rings and clears his throat as he faces the class. He looks exhausted, eyes dark and puffy and skin pale, but he puts on a happy face for his students.
Instead of going through with his lesson plan, Jared puts in a DVD of Romeo + Juliet, the Leo version, which is more like what they’re doing with the play. He presses play and then drops down tiredly at his desk, gaze flitting over Jensen for just a moment before he turns to face his computer.
Jensen rests his head on top of his crossed arms and drifts off, dreaming of star-crossed lovers and paint-smeared stages.
Katie and Jake practically have to drag him to rehearsal after class when all he really wants to do is go home and bury himself under the covers. The last thing he wants to do right now is recite lines about love and pain.
Jensen stumbles to a halt when he sees Chad sitting in Jared’s usual seat, and his eyes dart around the theater to look for him. He doesn’t see Jared anywhere, and he doesn’t know whether to be disappointed or relieved.
“Okay, drama geeks,” Chad calls out from his seat. “Your fearless leader has some things to take care of, so he won’t be here to lead you fearlessly. And since I don’t know anything about this play, you’re all on set duty. Create worlds, or whatever. Opening night is Thursday, as in the day after tomorrow. Mr. P told me to make sure you finalize the sets and run lines if you need to. He’ll be here tomorrow for the dress rehearsal.”
Katie, Jake, and Kyle all shrug at each other and drop their bags before climbing onto the stage. Jensen flits about, unsure of how much Chad knows.
“Uh, Mr. Murray?” Jensen says, wrinkling his nose at being forced to address Chad formally. Chad turns his head and narrows his eyes at Jensen, who swallows hard. “Is Mr. P alright?”
“Far as I know, Mitchell,” Chad says, and Jensen lets out a sigh of relief when Chad calls him by his alias. So Jared didn’t tell him. Not that he necessarily thought that Jared would, but it’s still a relief. “Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it.”
“Jake!” Jensen calls as he climbs up onto the stage after jogging away from a bored-looking Chad. “I need you guys to make Juliet’s tower more stable. We don’t want Katie doing any stunts, alright?”
“Yeah, sure, man,” Jake replies, and Jensen pats him on the shoulder. “Wait, where are you going?”
“I have something that I have to take care of,” Jensen tells him. “I have my cell if you need me. Run lines with Katie if she needs it. You are my understudy, after all.”
“Don’t remind me,” Jake says with a roll of his eyes. “Is everything alright?”
“I’ll get back to you on that,” Jensen calls over his shoulder as he hops off of the stage. He pushes out of the theater and into the bright sunlight, jogging away from the school until he can hail a cab.
Jensen soon comes to find that staring at the front door of the house that you’ve spent the last decade living in with your wonderful partner, who kicked you out and probably hates you now, and wondering whether or not to knock is a very, very awkward feeling.
The decision ends up being made for him when the dogs start to bark loudly, curious and protective. Jensen lets out a surprised little noise and presses his hand against the door. The dogs were Jared’s idea, rescues that Jared had to pout and puppy eye at Jensen until he gave in and said that he could keep them. He had no idea how much he had actually missed them, not until he hears their claws scratching at the door.
“Sadie, Harley, stop that!” Jared’s voice is booming on the other side of the door, his authoritative alpha male voice, and the dogs let out twin whines before falling silent. He pulls the door open, eyes going wide when he spots Jensen.
The dogs rush out and nearly knock him off of the porch and Jensen chuckles as he leans down to pet them. They don’t seem to care what body he’s in, not as long as they get their ears scratched.
“So, uh,” Jensen starts lamely, letting the dogs knock at his hands as he looks up at Jared. He’s changed into a pair of soft looking black lounge pants and a white v-neck tee. He looks comfortable and warm. “You weren’t at rehearsal.”
“Can you blame me?” Jared asks as he steps aside to let Jensen and the dogs into the house. He closes the door and turns around to face him. “I had just found out that the new student that I thought I was going to go to hell for lusting over is not my quasi-nephew, but actually my ex-partner of twenty years that’s somehow been magically transformed back into a teenager so he can fulfill his dream of becoming an actor. I’m a bit freaked out, if you can believe it.”
“You were lusting over me?” Jensen asks with a weak grin, just for lack of anything better to say. Jared arches a brow, patented bitchface slipping into place. Jensen clears his throat. “Too soon, I get it.”
“What do you want, Jensen?” Jared asks as he wanders barefoot out of the foyer to let the dogs out into the backyard. Jensen gets this weird sense memory urge to grab Jared by the back of the shirt and push him down onto their sofa. He manages to resist.
“I, uh, well. I rushed all the way over here and now I have no idea what to say,” Jensen tells him, running his fingers through his hair. He clears his throat and bites his lip, eyes fixed on the cherry hardwood that he and Jared picked out together. “I just don’t want you to hate me,” he admits in a voice that isn’t much more than a whisper.
“Jensen, I don’t really know how I feel,” Jared says on an exhale. “But I don’t hate you.”
“You don’t?” Jensen asks, head snapping upwards. “Can we maybe talk?”
“Yeah,” Jared says tiredly as he curls up on one end of the sofa. Jensen sits on the other end and turns to face Jared, who scoffs. “Shit, this is going to take some getting used to. But go ahead, talk.”
And then Jensen takes him quite literally. He launches into the whole tale, telling Jared about him coming to visit and the yearbook and the old fortune teller, about waking up young and Misha’s reaction. He tells him about Los Angeles and the phone call from the acting academy, and about the decision to enroll at Jared’s school. He tells Jared everything, every single thing, and by the time he winds it up with how much he missed the dogs, Jared is just staring at him.
“I don’t know,” Jensen says awkwardly, trying to fill the silence. “That’s just what I assumed I was supposed to do. I mean, it’s not like you would have wanted me back with how I am now.”
“I know how much shit you were put through when we got together,” Jared says, brows knit together. “What with me being so young. Did you think that I wouldn’t go through the same for you?”
“It’s not that I didn’t think you would,” Jensen replies quietly. “I just didn’t want you to.”
“And that’s our problem.” Jared sighs and slides his fingers through his silky hair before continuing. “Look, Jensen. I understand why everything happened. Well, maybe not why you look like you just waltzed out of an Abercrombie catalog, but what happened between us, I mean. Why we split up? I get it.”
“Because I’m a selfish asshole,” Jensen mumbles as he curls his feet under himself.
“More like the opposite,” Jared corrects, and Jensen looks up with a vaguely confused expression. Jared sighs and shifts a tiny bit closer to him. “Look, Jensen. I am under no illusion that our relationship was ever really an equal one, in terms of sacrifices. When we got together, you said no to California so we could be together while I finished high school. When I got accepted to Stanford, you said no to Los Angeles so that I could go to a good college. When I got offered my teaching job, you said no to what you wanted again and we bought this house. You’ve been saying no to everything except me since the day we met.”
“Jared,” he says, swallowing hard. “You never asked anything of me. All I ever wanted to do was make you happy. Maybe I lost sight of that somewhere along the way.”
“Or maybe you just got tired of saying no,” Jared says gently, and Jensen looks up at him. “You were wonderful, Jensen. Generous and kind. Too kind. And maybe I took it for granted. Maybe if I had pushed back a little and we made more compromises, we wouldn’t be in this mess.”
“You’re the best thing in my life,” Jensen says without meaning to, and he bites his lip as Jared smiles sadly.
“I’m the only thing in your life, Jensen.”
Jensen opens his mouth and then closes it, realizing that it’s true. Soon after meeting Jared, Jensen dedicated his entire life to him. He would have done anything to make Jared happy, and for two decades, that’s all he needed. He stayed in a town he hated for three years just so he could see Jared smile. He moved to a city mere hours from where he always wanted to go just so Jared could get a good education, and stayed there so he could live out his dream of being a teacher. After awhile, he realized that he never once did anything for himself and he started to wonder what could have been. That’s what got them here.
“I never stopped loving you,” Jensen tells him thickly. “I don’t want you to think that.”
“I never did,” Jared is quick to say. “I know that you love me. I never thought otherwise.”
Jensen knits his brow at that, biting his lip as he looks into Jared’s watery eyes. He knows that he wasn’t exactly easy to be around there at the end, but he remembers how sad Jared had looked when he told Jensen to leave. It was like it was the last thing that he ever wanted to do.
“Look, Jensen,” Jared says after a small sigh. “My life was awesome. I got the perfect boyfriend, a full ride to my first choice school, and I landed my dream job. All you got was me. It’s not exactly a fair trade.”
“Depends on who you ask,” Jensen says, looking right into Jared’s eyes. “I’d say that it was more than generous.”
“You were unhappy,” Jared says bluntly, and Jensen can’t say anything because he knows it was true. He loves Jared, fully and completely, but once he got to thinking about how different his life could have been, he couldn’t let it go. It took root in his brain and began to grow until he could think of nothing else, and he got bitter. “All I wanted was for you to find the answers that you were looking for, and I had hoped that maybe you would come back to me. But if you didn’t, I got twenty perfect years and that’s a hell of a lot more than most.”
“Jared,” Jensen says shakily. His vision is blurred and Jared smiles shyly as he wipes away a tear. Jared is his life, his entire world, and the only thing that he’s ever been sure of. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Whatever you want,” Jared tells him, nodding jerkily as he sniffs quietly. “Anything in the world.”
Jensen nods and looks down at his knees. His chest aches and his mind is swimming. It’s the first time since he was stuck back in this body that he really feels eighteen. He feels as twisted up as he did that night that he sat in his childhood bedroom at the end of that first idyllic summer and made the choice that would decide the next twenty years of his life.
Jensen crawls forward and wraps his hand around the back of Jared’s neck. He lets out a soft exhale and blinks, head bowing in slightly. Jensen pulls him into a hug, and it’s strange. Jared is so big and he’s so small.
“I don’t regret you,” Jensen whispers, and Jared lets out a soft sob as Jensen kisses the corner of his mouth. His lips linger there for a moment, fingers carding through Jared’s hair. “I never did, and I’m sorry we couldn’t figure this all out before it was too late.”
“Me too.” Jared nods and curls his hand around Jensen’s bony hip for a moment before gently pushing him back. Jensen gets up off of the sofa and glances around the living room, at the pictures of them on the walls.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Jared,” Jensen says, and Jared gives him a watery smile and nods. “Dress rehearsal.”
“Tomorrow,” Jared echoes, and Jensen swallows against the ache in his chest as he walks out the front door.
“Wake up.”
“Fuck off, Misha,” Jensen groans, smashing his face further into the pillow as he pulls his comforter over his head. Misha flops down onto his bed, right on top of him, and Jensen groans. “I hate you so goddamn much.”
“If only that were true,” Misha sighs. Jensen growls and pushes at Misha with his feet, which earns him a heavy-handed swat to the ass. “What the fuck is your problem? Get up and go to school.”
“I don’t wanna,” Jensen mumbles into his pillow.
“Oh god. Is the transformation to bitchy teenager finally complete?” Misha asks sarcastically. “Or do you just not want to see Jared?”
“It’ll hurt,” Jensen admits, words garbled through the thick blankets. “You weren’t there last night. It sucked ass, man.”
“You made your bed and now you need to lie in it,” Misha tells him as he rolls off of the bed and rips the blankets off of Jensen. “The metaphorical bed out in the world. Not this one. Get up.”
Jensen lets out a long, bitchy sigh and rolls out of bed to storm past Misha, who just smirks irritatingly at him. He spends too long in the shower, letting the hot water wash over phantom aches leftover from a body twenty years older than the one that he’s in.
He gets dressed, downs a mug of too-hot coffee, and grabs his backpack off of the floor before heading to school. He checks out, doesn’t listen to a goddamn thing anyone says to him all day, just like a true teenager.
He lingers outside of Jared’s classroom, nodding at Jake and Kyle as they walk in. Katie stops to arch a brow at him and she diverts her course, passing the classroom door to come to a halt in front of him.
“What’s wrong, Jason?” She asks, and Jensen shrugs. “Nervous about the play?”
“I’m nervous about a lot of things,” Jensen tells her. She smiles, this understanding little quirk of her lips, and Jensen can’t help but to smile back. She’s been a good friend to him.
“It’ll all work out,” Katie tells him, and holds out her hand for him to take. “Trust me.”
Jensen takes her hand and lets her lead him into the classroom. Jared is standing behind his desk and Jensen’s eyes are drawn to him immediately. Their eyes meet and Jared gives him a sad sort of smile before looking back down and letting his hair fall into his face.
They watch the second half of Romeo + Juliet that day. Or well, the rest of class does. Jensen never looks away from Jared where he’s bent over his desk, biting his lips in concentration as he grades papers in the dark.
There’s two hours between school ending and their final dress rehearsal, so Jensen, Katie, Kyle, Jake and a few of their other friends from the play go to the pizza place across the street to kill time.
Jensen doesn’t talk much. Instead he picks at his slice and watches his friends. They talk about trivial things – crushes and clothes and parties. Jensen wonders if this is what the rest of his life will be like. Growing up all over again, listening to the same bullshit over and over again.
When it’s finally time for the dress rehearsal, they all head back over to the school to change into their costumes. Jensen looks at himself in the full-length mirror, all decked out as Romeo, and lets out a long breath. He takes in his too-big eyes and pouty lips, sinewy limbs and narrow shoulders, and suddenly the thought of growing older all over again is exhausting.
Maybe he’s just tired. He needs to get through rehearsal and get a good night’s sleep. Tomorrow is a big day.
They do a complete run-through of the play and Jensen remembers why he’s here. He loves acting, the whole entire process. He loves pretending to be someone else and he loves watching people around him throw themselves into their work.
“O true apothecary!” Jensen says, voice heavy with emotion as he utters his final lines of the play. “Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die.”
Jensen acts out Romeo’s death and then lies there next to Katie, eyes slipping shut as a breath escapes his lungs.
Their cast mates move around them, finishing out the play, and Jensen stays still and silent. A laidback, quiet boy named Brock is playing the Prince, and Jensen focuses hard as he delivers the final lines of the play.
“Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things,” he says from the front of the stage. Jensen knows that Jared usually has tears in his eyes by this point whenever they watch the movie or see a production. Jensen wants to turn his head and see of they’ve moved Jared to that point. That, more than anything, would be the greatest compliment, the best review that their performance could receive. But he lies still, does his job. “Some shall be pardon’d, and some punished. For never was a story of more woe, than this of Juliet and her Romeo.”
Jensen hears a thunderous applause and he opens his eyes to see Jared leading it with a proud grin on his face. His eyes are wet and Jensen’s breath catches in his throat. He wants to jump off of the stage and into Jared’s arms, wipe the tears away. Instead he just catches Jared’s eye, frozen to the stage as Katie throws her arms around him and kisses his cheek.
Jared grins at him, bright and proud, and nods once. Jensen swallows hard and allows Katie to break him from his stupor, turning to smile at his leading lady.
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