All I refuse, thee I choose.

Huh.

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 16:29:56 GMT

I'm gonna be the

biggest hypocrite

in the world but..

I don't care.

I thought I had the capabilities to get over you.

I mean, I'd always still care for you but wouldn't care about the situation anymore.

But you know what?

I'd still say yes in a heartbeat if you asked.

I'm still in love with you.

1 year and 7 fucking months.

Who the hell does that?

Who the hell holds on for that long?

I should be shot.

Tue, 22 Nov 2005 17:13:37 GMT

It's almost that date. 11/28
But hey, I don't care anymore.
:D

23.

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 04:33:34 GMT

I know there's no point in keeping track but I can't help it.

Sigh.

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 04:55:40 GMT

I think I'm the biggest hypocrite in the world. No matter how many times I tell myself that I don't miss you, it makes everything worst because I do miss you.

FORGET IT.

Tue, 11 Oct 2005 02:05:24 GMT

Forget it, I'm done with this shit. You say that "some people need to learn to give up"? Well then, fine. Don't think I don't know who's that for. Even if you put it in your profile, you know dead on you meant that for me.

I'm sick and tired of this shit. Yet I held on for so long hoping that you would come back. Well, fuck it. I'm just going to get over you even if it takes forever. We can't even be friends, how fucking sad is that? And don't tell me what we have is "friendship" because that's called acquaintances.

Yeah, I still miss you. Yeah, I still love you. If you told me right now that you wanted to come back I'd say yes in an instant. But I guess I just gotta move forward.

I've held on for one year & two months.

Sun, 25 Sep 2005 20:19:03 GMT

Dear Daniel,

It's amazing how long it's been and yet I still feel the same way about you. I thought this year would be different but just seeing you still gets me inside. I still crumble inside but the only thing different is that I can hide it better.

It's been a year and 1 month since we broke apart and not a day has gone by where I haven't thought about you. Everyday you fill my mind. This is the longest I've waited and held on for anybody.. and I don't think I'll let go.. ever.

Sigh.

Sun, 18 Sep 2005 03:16:11 GMT

So yesterday was 1 year & 1 month since we broke up. It's amazing how it's been so long and yet my feelings for him haven't changed at all and how much I want to try again. We're doing okay. I'm currently trying to rebuild a strong friendship that we used to have since afterall, I didn't talk to him for 3 straight months in the summer. I regret wasting a year. I should've done something sooner. But I believe nothing is ever too late.

I've talked to him a couple of times and even though they were only short 10 minute conversations, it wasn't bad at all. It wasn't like he gives abrupt answers and stops talking. We held a somewhat decent conversation and I'm pretty happy about that.

I wish we could just talk again. For me to be random or to just go up to him without an fear. I wish he can do the same too. I miss everything, I really do. I keep thinking about everything that happened in the past and I still can't match it up to everything that's happening now. Sigh, I miss him. I truly do.

Whoo..

Fri, 02 Sep 2005 03:56:27 GMT

Everything is okay. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

Sigh.

Thu, 01 Sep 2005 01:46:37 GMT

I lost it again.

Mm..

Sun, 28 Aug 2005 19:36:28 GMT

August 28th, 2005
1 year & 9 months
I still miss you

Gahh, school is starting tomorrow. So many things have happened this summer that it's a great thing yet in some ways a bad thing. This summer was definitely a turning point in someways. Yesterday was crazy yet .. yeah. All I have to do now is see what happens when school starts..

1 year.

Wed, 17 Aug 2005 01:24:57 GMT

August 16th, 2005

It's been one year since Daniel and I broke up and I never imagined how things would turn out after that. One year ago, around this time, I felt like the crappiest person in the world. I felt worst than shit. I stayed in bed for 3 days and just cried my eyes out like there was no tomorrow.

Now, one year later.. Look at me now. I've grown to be a better person. Ironically, this was a good thing but it doesn't change what I still want.. and what I want is to try again.

I called Daniel today but he didn't pick up. I got a little bit panicky thinking he changed his number. Jennifer called Adam and he said that Daniel left his cellphone at his house. I haven't talked to Daniel ever since summer started and that's a little over 2 months. Adam said Daniel got a new phone and when I asked if my name was there, he said it was.

I will try again tonight.

Hm.

Tue, 02 Aug 2005 17:39:36 GMT

I've been through so much with you, more than any other guy and yet I still want you as much as I did the first time I laid eyes on you. Everytime I see you, it's like meeting you for the first time all over again. It's the butterflies in the stomach. The not knowing what to say but out of all the things you've taught me, there's still one thing I don't know. I don't know how to fall out of love with you. I don't know how to let go and as I stand here looking at you, I wonder if there will ever be a day when I will get over your smile, let go of the hugs you gave me that I continue to feel, forget the words you said to me, forget what you meant to me or forget how much I love you. But, no matter what you did to me or whatever happens to us, I know I could never get over, let go, or forget you.

When you care about someone as much as I care about you, being apart is the hardest thing to get used to. I thought I'd handle it just fine and that I'd be happy just to keep you on my mind. But it isn't always that easy. Sometimes the one thing that would please me the most is simply seeing you. I knew that I'd miss you, I just didn't know I'd miss you as much as I do now. I want to share my tears with you, share my love with you, share my happiness with you, share my strength with you, my smiles, my frowns, my joy, my loss, my good days, my bad days, the rain, the sunshine. People can just be best friends, but at one point or another, one of them will fall for the other. Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late. Or maybe, just maybe, forever .. just like me and you.

Hm, 20.

Thu, 28 Jul 2005 14:28:06 GMT

July 28th, 2005
1 year & 8 months
I still want you back.

It's amazing how time flies so fast.

A quote that I found.

Sun, 24 Jul 2005 21:24:15 GMT

"The truth is I miss you with all my heart and I can't stand the sound of your name because it hurts too much. The fact that I may never see you again makes it even worse. I was and still am completely and utterly in love with you. You make me feel like no one else can. You always know how to make me smile and not one of those fake smiles I always have on, and the worst thing is that when you push me away or I feel that way, you're hurting me, hurting us. Every time I see you, I just want to jump in your arms, in hopes that things will be okay. But now that you're gone, and maybe not coming back, I need you to know, just how much I love you and just how much I need you and pray that you do that right back. I hope you hear this because will all my heart, I love you, I miss you, I need you .. and I'm not afraid to tell you."

11 months.

Sat, 16 Jul 2005 15:39:41 GMT

It's been 11 months since everything happened.
It's almost going to be 1 year since we broke apart.
I miss you & I still want you back. ♥

I need your opinion.

Wed, 06 Jul 2005 02:38:21 GMT

So I was just thinking about this and I need some opinions.

Okay, imagine this. Your lover is about to move and you both are at the airport. The announcer says the plane is about to leave. You and your lover hug and before you both part ways, you say for the very first time, "I love you" and their response is, "I know."

How would you feel? What would you think?

I got a few pretty interesting opinions ..

choirboi46: I would just realize that the person obviously doesn't love me, so I'd just try to move on

XOO1 ANGEL 1OOX: i would feel disappointed that he didn't say "i love you" back, and i would think that maybe he probably doesn't feel the same or maybe it was a mistake to say it

Misz Krazi Ladii: hrm..., i would probably feel sad dat my lover is going away and wish i said someding earlier

StArBuCkS GrLaE: i wood feel bad and good
StArBuCkS GrLaE: cux itd be hurtful daht dhey dnt sae it back and itd be good cux dhey noe u luv em

x azn hunnie 3 x: i would feel kinder hurt yet confused because im not sure iph he loves meh 2
x azn hunnie 3 x: because he didn't say i love you back
x azn hunnie 3 x: usually, wen ppl say i love u
x azn hunnie 3 x: they wud say i love you back if they felt the same way
x azn hunnie 3 x: because it mite seem like they know you love them but they dunno iph they love u

SmoKeyMcPot730: kinda sad
SmoKeyMcPot730: i mean
SmoKeyMcPot730: "I know"
SmoKeyMcPot730: Sounds kinda like an obnoxious fellow

cUtExLiLAnGeL418: depends how he said it
cUtExLiLAnGeL418: I would feel sad dat he is leaving but warm n' loved at the same time
cUtExLiLAnGeL418: kinda hurt too cuz he didn't say it back

Minako Loire: I don't actually know. I don't know what I'd feel. I think I'd feel dissappointed. But hey, you never know. They could love you too.

XpuppiewuvX: hmm i guess i'd kinda wanna know how they'd feel before i do anything else

AiYaMaN: ima say that person isn't on the same level as i am
AiYaMaN: or the fact that the thougt of leaving clouded their mind from saying what she really feels

Davis026: i would feel conflicted
Davis026: i wouldn't wanna let go but feel that i have to

DaE BeE d0h: i would feel like
DaE BeE d0h: deng why are you still leaving me

aNNaBeLLeRz: relief that he knows? he doesn't have to say he loves me back, i guess.. i mean, i didn't have to say "i love you", he knew i did anyway, right?
aNNaBeLLeRz:: i'd look back on our past and how he's been treating me up until the moment he leaves to determine whether he loves me or not

boo berry mix: i would feel like...man...DON'T LEAVE ME
boo berry mix: stay with me
boo berry mix: but glad
boo berry mix: that they leave knowing

Fall Out Troy: that she doesnt love me other wise she wuda said it back.
Fall Out Troy: id be sad.
Fall Out Troy: it kill me becuz shes gone
Fall Out Troy: and ill never know
Fall Out Troy: waht she really thot of me
Fall Out Troy: or what i meant to her

xk kiSsMet: "wtf ?! what do you mean 'i know' ?! what about an 'i love you' back ?! TELL ME NOW" < all thoughts

Curious.

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 03:05:18 GMT

So I was going through people's profile on AOL and when I looked at Daniel's I saw this.

And I was a bit shocked. Isn't it weird how it's really similar to the entry I wrote a couple of weeks ago which was..

It's been 10 MONTHS since it all happened.
It's been 2 YEARS since we first met.
It would've been 1 YEAR & 7 MONTHS if we stayed together.

I just found it .. strange. And I'm pretty sure he didn't read the entry because he doesn't know about this journal. At least, I don't think so. I'm PRETTY sure he doesn't know..

XOO1 ANGEL 1OOX: maybe it means something
XOO1 ANGEL 1OOX: i think it has something to do with you
XOO1 ANGEL 1OOX: since the numbers are so similar
XOO1 ANGEL 1OOX: but i think the last line he threw in just to throw everyone off
XOO1 ANGEL 1OOX: i really think it's about you
XOO1 ANGEL 1OOX: come on, what are the odds of him posting something that's practically EXACTLY like what you wrote a few weeks ago in your livejournal

:/ Maybe? I don't know. This is where I need help.

Oh, and he doesn't and never had a dog.
I am 1000000000000000000% sure of this.

19 months? Would've been.

Wed, 29 Jun 2005 03:16:00 GMT

June 28th, 2005
1 year & 7 months
I still want you back.

I remember one year ago, after SMILE, I gave you a note that I stupidly wrote at 2am in the morning because I had nothing else better to do. I remember giving it to you at the end of the day because I was too chicken the whole day.

I've held on for so long. I've held on for 10 months. I don't plan on letting go anytime soon no matter what anyone says or what anyone does.

Is this what love feels like?

Wow.

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 01:31:03 GMT

It's been 10 MONTHS since it all happened.
It's been 2 YEARS since we first met.
It's almost 1 YEAR & 7 MONTHS if we stayed together.

Allen said you asked about me yesterday.
A sign that maybe you still care.. ?

Ugh.

Sun, 05 Jun 2005 05:23:15 GMT

Sometimes I ask myself, "Why do I still care?" or "Why am I still holding on when there's nothing there?" Then after minutes of pondering and torturing my mind with these questions, it all comes down to this: I love you.

I don't give a crap about how old I am and how the majority of this world would say, "You're too young for love. Stick to school and your studies." There's nothing that says, "No falling in love until 21."

I'm a 15 year old teenager trying to get through the complications, obstacles, and mazes through life. Having to deal with this just adds more complications.

For the past 9 months, there hasn't been a time where I haven't thought about this. Alright, so he talked me. So what? My feelings isn't an on and off switch. Just because he talked to me doesn't change what I feel or what I want. "You'll find someone new" or "You'll get over him soon and move on." Shut the hell up. You don't have the slightest idea about how I feel. And if you really do know, you wouldn't be saying those things.

For the past 9 months, I think we've exchanged about less 1,000 words to each other. It's sad, it really is. Someone who I consider one of my best friends. Someone who was there for me all the time. Someone who listened to me when I spoke. Someone who didn't push me aside. Someone who didn't judge me. It's really sad how we don't talk. We can't even say hi to each other unless we're forced to.

I don't know what to do. I try to move on, I really have. I have developed certain interests among a few guys. But those were nothing. They were merely weak feelings. So what if I found this person attractive? It's simply an attraction, nothing more. I don't feel connected with the person. True, it's probably my fault for not fully giving them a chance. But I could care less. I rather not waste my time with guys I know are not worth it.

I hate how my sadness was the main reason for our separation. But at the same time, I understand. It was absolutely my fault for feeling sad when I had no reason to be sad at all. I was with someone who I wanted to be with, what could be so sad about that? Of course, even up to today, those reasons will remain nameless. But nonetheless, I have learned in so many ways you can't imagine.

Yet, I think the saddest part is how I can remember so many memories that made us so close yet now we're so far apart. So near yet so far.

I remember the laughs and the tears. I remember everything before, during, and after. I can never forget. Going to Santa Cruz makes me sad. Walking through the halls of St. Mary's makes me even sadder. Standing in the 4th grade room reminds me of the summer of 2003. It was filled with countless bets on the game "Idiot". Standing in the 8th grade room reminds me of magic card tricks. Standing the K grade room reminds me of summer of 2004. Standing in the library reminds me of Uno and Jenga of 2004. Being at school is the hardest of them all. I see you.

Sometimes I wish you weren't so nice to me. Sometimes I wish I could hate you. That way, it'd be easier for me to deal with this. But of course I don't want to make an enemy out of you. It's just hard beings friends with someone you love.

What even began my feelings for you? Well .. when Kent broke up with me, my heart was shattered into a million pieces. It was just lying there, broken. Everyone who knew about the situation just passed on by, ignoring me. But you, you were differet. We had only known each other for a few weeks and yet you were the one to stop and help put it back together, even with no intention invovled. Kind of like from one episode of Hey Arnold and how Arnold put his umbrella over Helga because her dad just left her in the rain.

After jotting down all these thoughts, I seem to have lost my train of thought. It's amazing how after 9 months, I still feel the same way about you. And I can say for sure, that it'll never stop.

Bloop.

Mon, 30 May 2005 18:06:21 GMT

Miss Papaya - Please Don't Leave Me Tonight
You've got walkin' 'round in circles
Crying in my sleep
Never knew that your lovin'
Would touch me oh-so deep
I'm waiting for an answer
Don't wanna wait in vain
Hate to see your love
Causin' so much pain

There's something on your mind
I'll find out in time

Please don't leave me (leave me) tonight
Tell me -- what did I do wrong?
Let me make it right
Please don't say that it's better this way
I'd do anything
Please don't leave me tonight

All I can do is sit and wonder
Can't even sing a song
Whatever happened to our lovin'?
It used to be so strong
Although it's over, I'm asking myself "Why?"
You no longer seem to need me
Just give me one more try

There's nothing I can do
Can't stop lovin' you

Happy would've been 18 months.

Sat, 28 May 2005 17:39:23 GMT

May 28th, 2005
1 year & 6 months
I still want you back.

What the heck.

Thu, 19 May 2005 16:50:16 GMT

What I heard yesterday couldn't be true. I was shocked and a little bit weirded out. I couldn't believe it and I still don't know if I can believe it. It's pretty hard to grasp. It just doesn't make sense. Did you really cry over me?

Dear You,

Sat, 30 Apr 2005 02:43:55 GMT

Hey again. I was just thinking, do you remember the first time you hugged me? It was during November and it's when I was going through crap with the whole winterfaire performance with Festive Five. I cried just before class and you were there to comfort me. When class started, you took your time and walked me to my Modern World class. Just as I thanked you and was about to step inside, you grabbed my arm and then wrapped your arms around me. After about a few seconds, you pulled away and said, "Yeah.." and walked off to your math class. I stepped inside my class feeling light headed. My friend who sat in front of me turned around and asked, "Are you okay? You're all red." And I just nodded and smiled.

Sadly, I didn't hug you back so I felt kind of sad about that. A couple of weeks later, my parents were threatening to get a divorce. I was going through a pretty rough time and after we talked you said, "You know you can always call me if you ever need someone to talk to. I'll listen to you." and you walked in the direction to your biology class. I hesitated but called your name. You stopped, turned around, and I ran up to you and wrapped my arms around your neck, burying my head into your shoulder whispering, "Thanks.."

Heh, it was just interesting to think about.

Love always,
Me.

Le sigh.

Thu, 28 Apr 2005 04:38:44 GMT

April 28th, 2005
1 year & 5 months
I miss you.