I've been thinking a lot about the future of our Dominican heritage moving forward. "our" meaning the family. I don't know why I've been thinking ahead but i really want my children to experience the same thing i experienced as far as the feeling of knowing that your a part of something different and that who they are represent a past of rich history, might, oppression and freedom. being in the south bronx, although i hate it, its sooooooooo familiar to me. all the merengue that plays in the streets, the loud spanish ppl, the smell of fried food practically everywhere. the summertime having the fire hydrants opened and the children playing with the water. the sound of mister frosty. the pariagua man. I dunno. I want to pass that on sooo badly. whatever, its more then likely gonna happen if thats all i know.. which is soo.. the bronx is all that i know. its a part of me. i speak like it, i am fascinated by it. Im intimidated by it. And i loath it. All at the same time.
im getting my headshots done again. when i come back from Florida im taking my picture and giving it another shot.. persistence is what its all about. i do feel good about it.
I was thinking about what my dream role would be. And i know precisely what it is. Portraying a Peurto Rican civil rights activist from the seventies. Representing the young lords. A group of twenty somethings whose goal was to find equality in new york city for Puerto Ricans and Dominicans. there slogan was "palente seimpre palente". I remember seeing that documentary about them in latino heritage class and it gave me chills. All of those hispanics that came together in the 70's to fight oppression literally went national. Good lord. If i could even audition for something like that i would be soo thrilled. I'm meditating on that for that role to come my way..
i only blog when I have something bad happen. lol Well unfortunately this one is no exception. My cat Bombay has diabetes. And so, were not sure if we can keep up the commitment of the constant medication and diet that she needs. We might have to have her go under euthanasia. I'm not happy at all. It just sucks. She's not that old to considering shes gonna be 6 in may. That makes her about 46 in human years. We are gonna give her a chance tho. So we're gonna buy medication and insulin to make sure that she gets treated. She has about 6 more years to go. I don't wanna give her up. Unfortunately the trips and leaving the cats alone, can't happen anymore. She needs to be shot up insulin everyday for the rest of her life. We cant feed her human food. And she has to have a very very strict diet of prescribed food. We'll see how this plays. It just hit me hard today thats all. She needs to stay there over night. I'll see her in the morning and the new routine will start. I hope I'm making a big deal over nothing.
Ok Ok Ok.. so backtrack on the last time I actually had a positive cheery entry. Its been forever. I'm kinda bummed out cause I put on too many things on my plate (school, work and time consuming show) that I failed one class so far. I have Never failed a class in my life!!!!!!!!!!! not in college.. and I might have two failing grades. its sucks hard cotton balls. because not only did i failed, the show wasnt worth it at all. Im pissed off at epic. I honestly feel like they dont want me or desiree to be successful actresses. I think they want us to follow them around like dogs. Jumping whenever they command.
Well so much for a "positive cheery entry".
Christina is home and she brought her two dogs. Oh My Gawd. they are so cuteQ!!!! oscar is so cute!! im surprise the aunts are so accepting of her pets. as far as my recollection goes..mention the word animal to any female elder in the family.. they throw fireballs and stack pitchforks.. im glad christina could and was able to convert them..
African Booty Scratcher is gonna be on hbo...eventually.!!! lol
I havent been feeling too hot lately.. I feel like an annoying blub. As of lately my ppl skills have dropping 50 points. I've been called a bitch by serveral ppl. I dont mean it. I swear im just busy, tired and always in need of food.
I think my cat, my black and white one needs a new home.. or needs to be put to sleep. It took a long time to say but he cant stay here anymore.. he pisses everywhere!! he makes me sad. I think that when we adopted him, he was past saving :(
Josh!? can I ask you something?! when are we going ice skating?!
Ok.. hunter i promise next semister will be amazing.. like last semister was! I wont juggle to many projects. and when epic calls me to be their lil slave.. i'll tell them off...did you know they paid every crew member except desiree and i? Posers. so thats all.. I really need to sleep..
I havent touched this livejournal thing in centuries. I bought a new book today. The battles for god "a history of fundamentalism. weird. I normally never buy books that are non fiction. i figured its time i grow up and not bring my Dr. Seuss books on the train with me.
So. I've been feeling awkward and emotional. Like im growing through puberty all over again. I started talking to my mom. I've been visiting her house. I meet her children, my half brother and sister. their so beautiful my siblings. The girl looks and acts so much like i did when i was little. and they have it all. I'm seriously happy for my mother. She managed to leave the shittest part of the bronx and live on ritzy white infiltrated long island hicksville.
She has become the quintessential housewife. A mom whom now wheres mom jeans, drives the children to school cleans the house and then cooks. Before I went into the house that day that I saw her a week ago. it was one of the first times I had seen her in 8 years. Yeah I've seen her once on her break at her job like 2 years ago for an hour. But to actually see her in her domain. Being the same mother I remembered. I couldn't handle it. I went to the bathroom, and broke down. I broke down because everything she had, everything she wish for, everything she promised me, she finally achieved. But i wasn't a part of it. I wasn't there to see the kids grow up. I wasn't there when she learned how to drive. I wasn't there for the Christmas by the fireplace(that yes she has and uses). I wasn't there to be a part of the family. But yet here in the bronx I was here to experience the break ins. The nights of no heat. The nights of being alone cause rippy was out. The time when I had to cook for myself at 13. My dad wanted me to move in so badly with him. For what? So i can been home. Alone. Never invited to his late night affairs. But just home. On the computer becoming a hermit before my time.
I don't resent my mother after all.I realized she's not so bad. and my father has yet to give me a decent reason he hates her. Yes, she eccentric and loud and argumentative. But i believe my dad is too. I dunno. I thought seeing my mother would help me become closer with my female family members and my female acquiescences. But instead it opened a wound that i was completely immune too and learned to be jaded for. I learned how to erase her. I learned from my father that she was an "evil bitch".
I'll tell you who i am resenting. My father. Yes he loves me. Of course he wants the best for me. everyone loves my dad. He gives good advice in fashion, beauty and beyond. too everyone. He tells everyone around him that are having relationship trouble "YOU SHOULD WORK IT OUT FOR THE CHILDREN. THEY NEED BOTH PARENTS IN THEIR LIFE. THERE IS NOT ONE REASON YOU CANNOT PUT YOUR DIFFERENCES ASIDE AND WORK IT OUT FOR THE CHILD"
My father is selfish and wants me to become this superhuman, thats Fierce, fabulous and can be able to say fuck you to anyone. And if i don't i become a push over. I'm through with it. He brainwashed me and I cant forgive him. He made me believe he was someone different. But he's true colors are showing up every single day. He messed up my family. He's unmotivated. and i don't care if anyone doesn't like how it sounds. Goddammit, this is my freaking journal. And can say. I HATE MY FATHER. and it should be ok. Cause shit right now. Im so pissed. I so pissed I was jaded by my dad. He didn't let me see my mother. He would make me feel like a hooker on the street whenever I expressed my feeling for her. And now I'm stuck in a limbo. My mother and I relationship is equilivant to that of two strangers that once were in love. I hate him so much for letting it get like that. For not letting my mother get close to me with out police and lawyers being present. I remember that day rippy. That day we were in court and you told me to tell the lawyer that I want to live with my you because my mother neglects me. I cant believe you. And now when you forced me to stay away from her, and you threatened the law if she came near me, you tell me my mother was never there, You tell me that shes an undeserving bitch and you don't care if the "motherfucker dies". You're a hypocrite and our relationship is tainted now. I'm not holding a grudge. but im not gonna be your puppy. I'm not gonna be your little girl. Its done.
AKj;kldgmsdgnioeusiuf qw39047289734uw3i9289p47hbvxcmn- the end
10:51am 16/04/2007
mood: complacent
music: Escalator humming
I'm at hunter on some rinky dink computar trying to not fall asleep. The offical showing of african booty scratcher is next saturday. Thats cool right. Uhm only problem is,its at a bar. Wow! Thanks Nikiyatu! thats so sweet of you! . Bars are definitely places to show a movie about high school students! In other words... i cant go see it because i'm underage. So in order to get in this is the plan... wear a really really realving shirt. that usually sloves all my problems.
In other news me and my dad are kinda uhh.. I feel like im dealing with a teenager. I'm definitely raising him. Its so funny. Last night when he came home from north carolina, i was so excited to see him and hugging him like crazy and asking him about he's trip blah blah blah..and like a typical dancing queen my dad is. "Ok, sofie, i need to breathe. Sofie please im tired. I'm gonna go lay down." "oh why are you tired" "I Dunno, I'm going on the computar" "you want me to make you anything?" "No" "How was your trip?" "fine" "How was the weather?" "ok" "you want to go to republic on tuesday?" "watever"
So at this point i realize my dad is on the rag. So i leave him alone.
yeah my dad gets the whole preteen agnst thing.
And im on the verge of seriously quitting loccitane.
I went on an audition about a month ago and it bombed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll keep the story short. The director sends me information to go to venue of the audition. He sends me an attachment with the script. I didnt open it because my comptuar was acting up. I call him and tell him that i cant open the email, but i'll just get an extra copy when i see him. I always do really well on cold readings anyways so i didnt really pay it any mind. I go to the venue. meet the director and he seems nice and i could tell he liked how i looked for the part. He hands me the script and tells me that i'll be up next right after this gurl wearing a black shirt. He asked me about a week before if i spoke spanish. I told him yes because i do. If i practice my spanish it's bearable. so, i sit down next to josh because he took me there, read the script and my jaawww droppppeeedd..
seriously 10 pages of nothing but spanish text.
so after i pissed my pants.. i asked josh if we could leave. josh said no sofie try it. i read it the text i understood it, but i couldnt speak it well. I was trying to hard to say every phrase perfect that i couldnt emote any type of feelings. and just to add the text was sevre "novella text". When i saw the girl with tthe black shirt come out the room smiling i just sighed, looked at josh and trecked on. i shook hands witht the director and my scene partner. I told the director this was the first time i saw the script and i had no idea it would be alllllllll in spanish. He said ok, well lets see what you got. So we performed the scene, TORTURE. not only did it remind me that i lost my sppanish speaking ablitily, it was prolly the most awkward situation for sir. director to sit through. it was pain staking.
so after that ordeal was over. I told the director if given time i could memorize all text and words. I would practice it over and over again. All my family speaks spanish my boyfriend speaks perfect spanish and he's family, theres plenty of people i can practice with. I would be able to knock this character out the water. To even prove to him that i can speak spanish, I gave him the 1, 2's and had a lil impromptu bilingual chat with him. He said that he understands where i'm coming from. and ended it there. he thanked me for coming tonight and escorted me to the door.
I saw josh and we both had that "yeah it didnt go to well" look on us. and just went home.
So, that takes the cake for the most embarrasing moment of my life. Which is nice i guess cause i didnt have one from before that night.
The most beautiful girl in the world. I love her a lot. My one and only.
I love you Sofia Rodriguez!"
So i browsed my name and got this. Hmm. Interesting. I wounder who wrote it. It wasnt josh cause it was before i met him. But mostly i wonder if its about me. prolly not. but watever
"This email is to confirm that you have officially been withdrawn from Purchase College. Please feel free to contact me with any further questions you may have.
Take care,
Holly Hare Administrative Assistant Office of the Vice President for Student Affairs 735 Anderson Hill Rd. Purchase, NY 10577 914-251-5930 "
Bye purchase
the reason why im up this late is cause im being Morpheus and OCD with downloading a massive amount of music on my ipod.
Lemme just say that I love Rosario Dawson and dispite the coldness i give off about her lol, I really do look up to her... keep that in mind
I've been submitting my headshots to a couple of places so i can get back on the grind of auditioning hardcore..,
I got messaged back by one production company that kinda is super super in the hood type status..
Meaning every other word is a cus word and other type of graphic language..
They want me to read for two parts .. one of the bossy mean girlfriend.. that curses like crazy.. and the other for a female pimp that curses even MORe .. so i couldnt take it too seriously..
I dont want to do anything thats gonna be typical, such as a hood movie..
So back on track, I looked up rosario dawson randomly on youtube.com and found this movie of her. I dont know what movie this is. I'm pretty sure she was about my age when she did it. And it just confirmed that no matter what I do, seeing as How i am hispanic I'm gonna wind up having to do this types of movies first before anything.
" class="ljvideo">
So, i got inspired by this. And I will go on that audition to see what happends
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
_mistaker_'s journal
awake
crushed
calm
energetic
cold
sleepy
cranky