I Hope I'll Wake Up Before I Drown...

Sun, 04 Dec 2005 04:51:11 GMT

Peace out.

Sat, 12 Nov 2005 00:34:56 GMT

If these are supposed to be the best years of my life, i can't possibly imagine how shitty it must be to be 30.

Any chance of life getting better than this?

thats all.

What happend.

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 05:49:12 GMT

Hello,

In my opinion, everyone has lost their minds.

Come back, dear friends.

Love,

Lauren

P.S. Im crazy too.

Let me in

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 00:26:44 GMT

I'm at the point in my life where i don't care what the deal is, i just wanna fucking know what it is. thats all. just keep me updated. i don't ask for much. When and why did things get so complicated? Why, Billy Joel, is honesty such a lonely word? I guess the problem isn't honesty really. There are plenty of honest liars in the world. I guess the problem is the loop holes. Loop Loop Loop. There are loop holes in everything....isn't there?

Ladies, if you want something, piss on it. That way other females will smell your scent and go prey on another animal.

But then again, where's the comraderie? Why are we all evil bitches out to get each other? Seriously. Think about it. Unless she's your friend, she's your enemy. It's a harsh truth i'm learning.

But Fuck it all.

All's Fair in Love and War.

And hopefully shayna's wrong. I can win the battle AND the war.

Because I'm a realatively cool chick. Cooler than the average chick at least, I hope.

Sorry guys.

just venting.

Venting, and increasing my water intake.

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 07:26:31 GMT

"i'm not scared of you :: could give up on drugs :: if i make it through :: the jaws of love :: jaws of love"

wow gavin rossdale. wow.

Some Justification for ya

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 00:40:13 GMT

I smoke pot because when I'm high, I don't care about anything.

And after caring about everything all day, by 5:00 I'm sick of caring.

It's 5:36 now.

And I'm stoned as a motherfucker. And out of my head...where I spend most of my time hiding.

And I'm thinking to myself....this is the only time in my life I'll be able to keep continuously running.

So better enjoy it.

Can I get an amen?

Untitled

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 02:32:21 GMT

I haven't seen fall since 2003.

I can't remember what leaves look like when they change colors.

Palm trees don't change colors....huge chunks of their bark just kinda falls to the ground.

Someone wanna take a picture for me?

My new goal

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 02:06:35 GMT

I'm going to create a card company that makes cards for every situation. EVERY one. Like....

"Congratulations on your recent divorce! She was a stupid bitch anyway!"

or perhaps

"I'm Happy to Hear the Abortion went well!"

or even

"Sorry to hear you got arrested!"

I scowerd the sympathy card racks for a half hour and couldnt find one fucking card that was appropriate for the situation.

Fuck Halmark.

Seriously you guys. This was harsh.

Sun, 18 Sep 2005 01:52:25 GMT

Fuck this shit.

I look hot.

Fri, 09 Sep 2005 18:08:49 GMT

After a liberating experience yesterday, i'm declaring my self a sexual goddess. if anyone has a problem with this, come over and i'll show you why.

what makes the world go round?

Mon, 05 Sep 2005 00:45:39 GMT

So. money is an interesting phenomenon. There are those who have it, and those who don't. And although it may appear like there is a middle class, there's not. The middle class are those that are either grasping to be upper class members of society, or those who are just scratching at the walls, trying to get a grip to get away from the evil clutches of the lower class people.

When you don't have money, the prices of everything stand out. For instance, let's calculate the total price for an evening out. Nothing special, keep in mind.

Fill up my gas tank: $35.00
Dinner (after I order a salad and everyone else orders a 3 course meal): $14.00
Something to smoke for the evening: $15.00 (depending, of course)

Just those three activities cost $64.00.
That's one night.

So, since my uncle has left me stranded and broke in the Arizona sun, I've decided to use this upcoming poverty as a learning experience. Maybe I'll even write a book. And I'll dedicate it to good ol Uncle Sam, who has decided that my parents make too much money for me to receive financial aid.

I've never seen this money. My mom makes $35 K a year and my dad is a retired teacher who taught for 30 years in the East Orange School district. Oh yeah. We're rich.

Take that moneey and subtract the two morgages my parents pay, the $7000 a semester for my tuition, approximately $300 a semester for my books, $485 for my rent, plus approximately $50 for my electric every month.

....I think we were all happier running around in loin clothes, fighting over bananas. Thank you Gwen Stefani. I now know how to spell banana. I'm truly thankful.

Its easy to forget...

Thu, 01 Sep 2005 00:12:57 GMT

People act like shit sometimes.

Aimee I <3 u.

Sincerely,

Lauren Marie Spero.

i havent updated in a million years

Sun, 03 Jul 2005 05:50:02 GMT

so i'm in arizona, and ironically enough this is when i have time to update my journal.

this is the oddest vacation i will have ever taken in my entire life.

but it's been good. so good. james does something to me i can't even begin to put into words.

that sounds gay. but i don't care.

the mountains are beautiful. the air is warm. there's dust from the dry ground in my shoes.

no matter how this weekend ends, i can honestly say that ill be able to say i had no regrets. not even one.

i dont know whether to be happy that i came, or to be devastated that i can't stay.

Don' be stupid.

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 14:47:56 GMT

Ladies do not be dumb like me.

No matter what, this will be the last post about James.

I promise.

For real this time.

Everything was fine...I lost a lover, gained a good friend, no bitterness, no hatred. So what do I do? FUCK IT UP. Instead of being a normal human being and accepting the fact that I was not wanted anymore, I had to go off on an emotional rampage at 1 in the morning. I was fine, then he starts talking about Michelle, listing all her fabulous qualities (i.e. basically her being the opposite of me in everyway). I thought i could handle it, i was wrong.

So I start crying in the most desperate and even more PATHETIC attempt at grasping back for what WAS mine. And I failed miserably. Rejection is a bitch, especially when you're dumb enough to cause urself to go through it twice. I guess once didn't hurt enough.

I guess the problem was, I saw things how I wanted to see them. Everything he said after we broke up, I twisted around in my head to make me think that he still loves me.

But he doesn't. And that's ok. Why is it ok? Because it has to be.

I'm done being the loser. I'm done feeling something for someone who doesnt feel it back towards me. Fuck crying, waiting, begging.

So cheers to you James. Really. I'm happy for you. I'm glad you dealt with this better than I did, but it's ok because I'll be fine now. I think listening to you tell me that you dont want to be with me again was just the wake up call i needed to move on, so thank you. That was sincere.

I just thought letting go would feel better than this.

Note to everyone else: don't be dumb like me. But you guys never would anyway, which is a good thing. Someone make me a list of rules to follow in order to not be so much like me.

Thank you.

one more thing

Mon, 14 Mar 2005 00:24:34 GMT

I am now protesting aol "away message" arguments. If you ask me, aol has taken out all the joy of fighting in person. From now on, my messages will only state what I am doing. Nothing more. No hidden meanings. I think everyone should join this bandwagen. WHO'S WITH ME?

Spring Break ReCap

Mon, 14 Mar 2005 00:18:56 GMT

Good times. Gooood times. Yet confusing times. Instead of dealing with the reality of the past month of my life, and the drastic turn it took, I decided to drown myself in alcohol and try to forget the fact that there was a Newark to Tampa ticket waiting for me at the airport. Bad idea, since it didn't change the fact that my ass had to get on a plane this morning. Lesson: Your problems always catch you, so don't run. Save the energy, and surrender.

Goals for the next 2 months:

1.) Stop being an asshole
2.) Go to the gym everyday
3.) stop smoking cigarettes, especially since my great aunt just died of lung cancer yesterday, daddy is upset, and despite popular belief, i don't have a death wish.
4.) No more drinking. At least for awhile. Alcohol will be something to do fun and responsibly, not as a way to block out the world.
5.) Take responsibilities for my actions. And innactions.
6.) Do something charitable.
7.) Get a C in biology. Otherwise my ass is in a lot of trouble.
8.) Accept the fact that my plans changed, the sun will still rise in the morning, and get the motivation to apply to schools.
9.) Accept the fact that sometimes you can't be eccstatically happy with your life, but you have to deal and find any little reason to smile.
10.) Get through the next two months in one piece. I'd say "be happy" but i don't wanna put too many goals on my plate at one time. One step at a time.

Who I am:
Crazy, obcessive, i live in a fantasy world 75% of the time. I try to take the easy road way too often. i don't work as hard as i'd like to think. Im caring and compassionate, but some situations do not need those qualities involved. I see the negative more than the positive, i make huge mistakes with no premenissions to them whatsoever. I'm nice, but too nice sometimes. Generous, but too generous sometimes. I walk on the concrete with everyone else, yet I trip a lot.

This is not self hatred. This is self improvement.

And im smiling.

Thu, 03 Mar 2005 00:02:30 GMT

Does anyone else ever want to take their cell phone and throw it at the wall so hard that is smashes into a billion pieces?

if I were an animal right now, id be an attacking tiger, stalking my prey.

Sad truths of life I have learnd the hard way.

Wed, 09 Feb 2005 15:16:11 GMT

1. If someone asks you how you're doing, always say "I'm good." It is impolite to say "Actually, things suck and I'm currently reassesing my purpose on this planet, and thinking about locking myself in my room for a few years. But how are you?" This also makes things awkward, and people won't like you anymore.

2. Don't ever, EVER let yourself depend on someone, because as soon as you do, they'll leave. They won't leave when things are good. They'll leave when things are the absoloute worst. Just to reaffirm your notion that when it rains, it fucking pours.

3. Always check the weather before you book a non-refundable flight. This way you avoid flying into one of the largest cities in the United States at the exact time a snow storm is about to start.

4. Appreciate your parents. Even if you hate them. Because at some time in your life, you'll realize that you don't really hate either of them, and then it will be too late.

5. People get sick. People go away. People disappear. People die. Some will ignore you. Others won't leave you the fuck alone. Some will use you. People suck.

6. If you kind of get the impression that someone would rather puke nails then talk to you, go on your gut instinct, take the hint, and disappear off the face of the planet. They will appreciate this. Everyone's happy. woo fuckin hoo.

If anyone would like to add on to this list, I figure we can write a book and at least get some cash for being miserable, lonely, misunderstood, cynnical, and invisible.

Tue, 08 Feb 2005 22:43:46 GMT

This weekend's trip has took a turn from a nice break from reality to a nightmare. No longer a pleasure trip. Fuck. i give up.

WHOOOHOOO

Mon, 07 Feb 2005 21:36:36 GMT

So just when i'm at my lowest, kicking myself because i have no friends. kicking myself because my boyfriend hates me (and probably wants to see my carcass lying in a Tampa gutter). Kicking myself out of boredom, Mom says I can come home on Thursday. I am very excited, and I'm not thinking about anything except having a good time this weekend with the ladies. Of course all my problems will be waiting for me upon my return to Tampa International Airport, but i'll worry about that later. I'll see everyone (minus Heather, why are we never in jersey simultaneously?) thursday. Until then, I'm shutting down.

Elevator Music

Mon, 31 Jan 2005 22:49:10 GMT

Today, I was stuck on an elevator -alone- with a girl who managed to sing "pop goes the weasel" three times from floor 1 to floor 5.

and i realized

things could be worse.

My life in a nutshell

Fri, 28 Jan 2005 21:14:31 GMT

Positive things about my life (in no specific order of importance):

1. Although i'm broke, my basic needs (food, shelter, sometimes water) are taken care of, so i won't die.

2. My classes are easy (with the exception of biology)

3. My boyfriend loves me dearly.

4. Florida has great iced tea.

5. We get decent tv channels.

6. My mom is sending me a goody box.

7. When Shayna calls, she makes me laugh.

8. My bills are paid. (for this month at least)

9. Im getting quite good at chess.

10. I have plenty of time on my hands to do all those things ive always wanted to do (such as color, learn to play chess, pick out all the people here that are fatter than me, etc.)

Negative things about my life:

1. I have a balance of $4.35 in my checking account.

2. I have no idea how i'm gonna pay my bills next month.

3. I'm becoming immune to tylenol pm.

4. I've started talking to myself.

5. No one will hire me for a job, since they can find a foreigner to work the job for $3.00 less than I will.

6. Daddy's back in the hospital

7. I can't beat the Robin Hood xbox game.

8. My dragonfly ring broke.

9. I'll probably have to pawn a very decent piece of jewlry by the end of next week, and they'll probably cheat me, and give me much less than what its worth.

10. I have no FL friends.

Overall, id say a huge improvement from last semester.

and in the words of Alanis Morisette

"Doth, I protest too much."

GRANDMASTER

Thu, 27 Jan 2005 03:18:26 GMT

It's fun to play chess with people from Great Britain.

Except when they capture your king.

And then proceed to suggest visiting you in the United States.

Maybe I wouldve considered it, but the motherfucker took my king.

That shit is not cool.

Internet chess is hitting rock bottem.

Beating someone at internet chess will be the first step to my reintegration into society.

Poverty sinking in slowly

Wed, 26 Jan 2005 19:01:45 GMT

You know you're a broke-ass bitch when:

~You pay for your three items at the dollar store with quarters.

~When you run out of quarters, you pay with nickles and dimes.

~You begin to pick up pennies off the street.

~Wendy's dollar menu starts to seem ridiculously overpriced.

~You wear all your clothes (with the exception of socks and underwear) twice, because you only have $2.75 on your laundry card, which has to last you about a month.

~You have the urge to kill everyone at the ATM machince because they have money to withdraw.

~Jobs with titles like "Female phone actress" or "Topless dancer" or "Laboratory Test subject" or "We'll pay for your blood!" Start to sound tempting, and are circled in the paper as "ones to call."

~You look in the mirror and realize that you finally understand where Shayna is coming from.

dismayed.

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 02:44:20 GMT

I bought a ring. It's shaped like a dragon fly. But in a very not-tacky way. And today, two of the little black stones fell out of it.

and i cried.

Alanis is on my stereo.

Thank you heather.

Someone learn to play chess so i can beat you.