Jaded

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 17:21:25 GMT

im getting sick.
im tired of drama.
its no one else's business what i do, unless i make it your business.

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 03:49:20 GMT

These pictures of Cho failed to evoke the kind of emotional reaction that a real villain should. I'm sure it would be different if he were actually holding that gun to my head and not to a digital camera with the self-timer innocuously ticking away. I don't know, though. I just imagined him going in front of the mirror and experimenting with various outfits and poses. Sometimes he wore a black t-shirt, sometimes white, sometimes with a vest or a cap, sometimes without. It just seemed more like dress-up in villainous costumes than the donning of a villainous uniform. He even sent the package to the media by an alias, 'Ismail Ax', which was also written on his arm when they found his body. You see, A villain's uniform is arbitrary. Whatever you're wearing or whatever you're calling yourself when you're committing wicked acts is irrelevant. The important part is that you commit wicked acts. Whether you're lynching people from trees, putting Glocks to their temples, burning down their houses, or molesting their children, there is no concern for the way you look to people, or even that anyone see you at all. The wicked acts speak for themselves, and for the villains who commit them. But Cho wanted the exposure, the attention, the terrific reverence that a villain and his wicked acts command by nature. The only difference is that he literally commanded it by taking a break from acting wicked to go photograph himself and raise attention before he continued his spree of wickedness. I think he took those pictures and made those videos because he was crying out for an attention and reverence that he probably felt he had been denied for too long. And that was perhaps the main contribution to his anger. He was conscious of how people saw him and that people were frightened by the way he looked and the things he did because he was perhaps tired of being overlooked. I think that's what's beneath all of this.

i love to be close to you

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 05:48:06 GMT

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 03:45:38 GMT

your heart cant break if you dont let the world touch it

fuckers

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 02:54:13 GMT

I have been using Oil-Free Acne Stress Control from Neutrogena the past month and I think it has actually made my skin 3 times worse, I don’t know if it's just me but nothing really ever seems to work on my skin. It just does its own thing, I barley even put on make up that much anymore, foundation looks really stupid in different lighting. And its not even worth buying that’s why I don't buy make-up. I steal it from grocery stores.

I was going to go into the bathroom and pick at this sore spot on my gum, but kelly was in the bathroom already. I knew it was her because I heard her speaking on the phone to someone. It's rude, I'll admit, but I stood there a minute and listened. I didn’t understand, not a single word, but I just felt like listening anyway, just to see if she was complaining about what hell it is to stay in our house or something like that. But god, whatever she was talking about must have been serious. She stayed in there spitting out this stream of quiet whines so long, I could have canoed halfway to Hot Springs on it. I finally went into the downstairs bathroom to pick at my mouth.

Tonight has been stressful again with my parents, it was such a relief to have Monica here tonight to be able to deal with it cause I have had to handle this two long nights in a row this week. And tonight my mom is sleeping in my bed with me. i hate their relationship, it makes me want to vomit thinking about them together. He said today that he has two more lesions in his back and is going to have to go back to Chemo, but things are at the point where I don’t care and part of me doesn’t even believe him.

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 04:33:14 GMT

Some times we forget what we got
And who we are and who we are not

used mariah's camera to take a picture of killer before he left

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 21:44:22 GMT

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 01:23:26 GMT

Last night Justin and I went to loui luigi n phong's party together. The night didn’t start out like I expected. A minute after we walked in I felt out of place. I stood still with my hands in my pockets, my heart pounding in my chest. I looked around at all the faces in the room and no one was looking at me. Not one person. Not even Justin. But I still felt like I could hear everyone saying, "Go home. You aren't supposed to be here." I hear that a lot these days, even when I just go to sit at the lunch table everyday. But I belong more at a lunch table in my school than a hotel party. But after I had smoked a little and had a few beers in me I was feeling more comfortable than ever, its insane how I could go from one extreme to the next with in an hour. I guess that’s why people like to get fucked up. I remember talking to people I haven’t talked to in a while and enjoying my night. I need to work on friend ships, i have put no effort in to any of them and i really should start to. I cant hide behind him all the time..friends are a good idea

KILLER.

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 03:47:57 GMT

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 01:10:13 GMT

"The Clover"

Some sings of the lily, and daisy, and rose,
And the pansies and pinks that the Summertime
throws
In the green grassy lap of the medder that lays
Blinkin' up at the skyes through the sunshiney days;
But what is the lily and all of the rest
Of the flowers, to a man with a hart in his brest
That was dipped brimmin' full of the honey and dew
Of the sweet clover-blossoms his babyhood knew?
I never set eyes on a clover-field now,
Er fool round a stable, er climb in the mow,
But my childhood comes back jest as clear and as plane
As the smell of the clover I'm sniffin' again;
And I wunder away in a bare-footed dream,
Whare I tangle my toes in the blossoms that gleam
With the dew of the dawn of the morning of love
Ere it wept ore the graves that I'm weepin' above.

And so I love clover--it seems like a part
Of the sacerdest sorrows and joys of my hart;
And wharever it blossoms, oh, thare let me bow
And thank the good God as I'm thankin' Him now;
And I pray to Him still fer the stren'th when I die,
To go out in the clover and tell it good-bye,
And lovin'ly nestle my face in its bloom
While my soul slips away on a breth of purfume

--James Whitcomb Riley

Oh, I could've just died! =)

If you are tattered I will sew you completely.

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 00:45:30 GMT

My boyfriend gave me this purdy bouquet for Vallen Thymes Dei.
We have been together for over two years now, and I love Justin more than anything in this world.

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 01:57:05 GMT

I cant find my Ipod! Oh yeah and i made a Myspace, but im not sure if i want to keep it or not.

My foolish heart went diving, diving, diving into the murk.

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 00:53:16 GMT

I am so mentally unstable right now. I mean, one push and it'd've been, I gotta get outta here, have we got boxcutters, which one of my limbs do I use the least, which one of my ears could I get on without, I gotta chop myself up into tiny little pieces, I gotta move, I gotta go to find a new family, somebody gimme a ride, wheres my shoes, where's my mom, somebody call my boyfriend, I gotta cut stuff, throw stuff, break stuff, I gotta run away, I gotta get outta here!!! I used to be able to cope with things so beautifully. I was so adaptable. Now something goes wrong and I'm just this paranoid, distractible, delusional, neurotic tired, angry girl. And it comes and goes so quickly. A few hours ago, I was crying in the bahrrom and now I'm reading gossip columns and contemplating starting a new book. I can feel a whole lot of regular ol' non-manic happiness trapped underneath the craziness.

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 00:39:31 GMT

I woke up at 3:11 a.m.

"Three eleven, ha, they suck," I said out loud.

But you know what? If someone had started playing "Use of Time" at that moment, I would have closed my eyes and thrown my hands in the air and gone, "But every time I turn the volume dowwwwwwwwn...All I hear is the deafeninnnnnnng souuuuuuuuuund of your heaaaaaaaart's poooooooooouuuund..."
haha I mean. No, I wouldn't have.

Anyway, I feel back asleep. I dreamt a raging scene. Tiny stairs grew out of the grass and into the attic. I stood up and looked at you. The wine was old, but our eyes were new. Nothing ever took so long. We planned a hopeless escape. Sirens sang. Lovers exhausted. I kicked everybody's groins. I bashed everybody's brains, but woke up cold. Needing you.

I got ready alone. I like doing that. I had a bowl of cereal. I meant to put on socks but I sat on the couch and watched TV instead. I plotted things. I put face paint on my face and a blanket that makes me feel like Lazy. I wish I had put on two blankets maybe they would have convinced me to stay home today. I wish I could have slept and cried there instead.

"God gave you everything just to take it away. Just so you knew exactly what you were missing".

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 05:36:19 GMT

"There isn't going to be a point of compleation (that is the hardest part to realize) I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER look how i SHOULD LOOK feel how i "should feel" and do what i "should be doing" because right now is it. RIGHT NOW IS IT. I dont know what will come next ..how it will come. I know it never works out how i think it will, looking back it always worked out how it SHOULD."

I wish i could lay next to him forever because there is no where in this world i would rather be, i am in love with him. I am so happy with everything. I am especially glad we both know how strong a love we hold for each other. I couldn't live with out justin.

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 03:04:19 GMT

I am just so far beyond being in love, I have everything great in this world with you.

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 02:27:25 GMT

young lovers seek perfection,
but old lovers sew shreds together and
see beauty in the multiplicity of patches

My new pretty bracelet.

Sat, 02 Dec 2006 19:04:56 GMT

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 05:01:09 GMT

I feel so manic. I hate this house and the things that eat sleep and breathe in it with the exception of Mariah, Meredith and Mom but that’s 60%of the house right there and %80 including me so you get my point? There's no where to run, and even if there were a place, sleep would not carry me far enough towards it. I wish today never woke up. I wish she had nightmares, too, and wanted to sleep herself as far away as I were going. I wish I felt a little bit more confident. Who wants an insecure little bitch? Maybe that explains why I have no one but Justin and annoy the fuck out if him some days. I wish I didn’t really care what he is doing or who he is working with or what time and just being so fucking obsessed him and his life. I try to show him how much I care and love him but sometimes I end up feeling so annoying. I ask the wrong questions and touch at the wrong times. It does seem like there used to be more to me than this, though. Now I'm just jealous and jaded and jiggly in all the wrong places. I feel like a big, ornery cow barging into people's lives, fucking things up, and being fat and generally unpleasant! Haha well I'm sure everyone who reads my livejournal is getting tired of hearing me whine about how fat and ugly I am, and some of you may even think I'm just trying to get attention, or fishing for compliments. Let me assure you that is not the case. Ask Justin I would sooner fish for radioactive piranhas than compliments! It's just that when things bother me, ill write em down. And Id rather talk about them here instead of in some secret book. As much as these little things eat at me things aren’t so bad, maybe my dad will stop forgetting to take his pills and almost choping my head off when he does so. Maybe I don’t annoy the fuck out of Justin all the time, I can usually tell when I do though..sorry for that baby haha. Good im feeling better already ..see what did I tell you writing things down do help! I need sleep my eyes are closing and by the way I love you Monica, we all do!
Ps justin im trying not to mis spell online and i love you

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 23:10:02 GMT

In addition to the long list of things about the neighbor moving in tomorrow
he also molested his sister when she was younger, and the dog well a few animals she tells us.
and he wrapped a puppy in a towel and beat the shit out of it... sfhgggdh.

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 19:29:11 GMT

A few weeks ago the older man that lives on the right of me found himself in a terrible car accident and has been in critical condition for the past two weeks. His bones popping out from his hips and other places as they managed to find his body in the disgustingly totaled car. I have been feeding his dog white castle burgers and scrambled eggs because that’s what he’s used to eating. My mom has been keeping his home together while his daughter, that does not live with him, left everything to us and took off on a cruse. She told us that on Thursday her brother will be moving in for a few weeks. She told us not to be too friendly with him and she mentioned a few other things including.. he is a heroine addict/dealer he has been in prison for molesting children he is HIV positive and homosexual. His father has at least $200,000 worth of cash and antiques and she seems almost fine with him selling almost everything and taking in the money to go toward his drug habits..don’t forget that there father has not even passed on yet..

...Shirley and Victoria both have babies and Matt is gone. I wonder what life would have had in store for me if I still lived in that little hell hole...

I still have practice to attend and homework and reading and laundry and cleaning ..I wish I didn’t feel so sick today.

I LOVE YOU

Fri, 24 Nov 2006 15:19:56 GMT

Wensday night I laughed so hard, who knew justin in a box could be so much fun? And last night I got to play his new nintendo wii and it was sooooooo cool!

i cant sleep ..but here are some of my favorite movies

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 05:07:40 GMT

i cant find clips from how to make and american quilt,in the bedroom or the ice storm, endless love, american girl, igby or manic

I was so excited.

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 01:30:36 GMT

Society is like a club. If you don't pay your dues and show up to meetings every once in a while, it sort of assumes you don't want to be a part of it anymore and scratches your name off the list. Doesn't it? My name has pretty much been crossed out, and im sorry. I have never attended a school dance or field trip or anything since fifth grade sea world. These Senior dates are conflicting, and im alot more angry than i would like to be. If there is any way around it im open to ideas? ..Anyone..Anything?

Sat, 04 Nov 2006 02:06:42 GMT

I do not have my cell phone, again!
HAHA how can you get that mad at me..
from a race, I dont even like cross country !
I was just doing this in order to prepare properly for
my track season (which I do care about). Dont tell me what I
do and do not care about.

i miss my little baby

<3

justin and michelle are in love =)