your.words.are.sticky.stupid.running.down.my.legs

new journal!

2005-06-14T18:49:27Z

new journal!

i have become bored with my lj name so please add

nowayoftelling

you can remove this one from your friends list. it will no longer be used.

goodbye, Alley Youth Centre!

2005-06-14T02:16:57Z

wow i detest ceridien. they totally fucked up on our paycheques, which were already REALLY late, and basically paid us for a month instead of for two weeks. but i called and complained (upon which i was treated badly so i used by experience from working at a call centre to deal with that) and arranged so that i was still able to deposit this cheque (which was supposed to be dated for the 1st) and have the extra amount deducted from this wednesday's cheque.

and this was after saying my goodbyes to the alley youth centre in port moody. yes, the alley is living out its final week and it's a fucking disgrace.

so i am dedicating this entry to my love for the alley. a library-turned-youthcentre back in the late 1990s which i secured with another yq volunteer to hold a monday night drop-in. the place is beautiful and will be very much missed. it was the only stand-alone youth centre in port moody and in the tri-cities as well.

i was there for the interview on halloween 1996, dressed in pvc as a gothic cat, when i met with the heads of the city of port moody to secure a free space for a queer youth centre.

the first free space that we opened.

i was there at as a youth for another year or so.
and in 2000, i spend the summer and fall as a volunteer and paid-youthworker there, working mostly one-on-one with high risk and anti-social youth.
and at the beginning of this year, i returned to that drop-in as a volunteer coordinator and now paid.

and now, this fucking beautiful youth centre has been sold -- to be developed into condos.

life is really fucked up.

on a brighter note, i found my sjw and have been cleaning my bedroom in a seritonin-induced mania. the soundtrack has been a mix of Marilyn Manson and CJSF radio.

and i am downloading a copy of The Living End, which i found out was released as an import dvd but is now out of stock.

Shannon, Totally Fucked Up is being released on dvd later this month! we should have a party!

now i will return to distracting myself from the passing of the alley.

Little Chrissy wants a JOLT!

2005-06-13T05:22:00Z

double-omgz

JOHN WATERS BOX SET!!!

released this tuesday!

A Dirty Shame NC-17 Version
Desperate Living
Female Trouble
Hairspray
Pecker
Pink Flamingos
Polyester

turn around, bright eyes!

2005-06-13T05:12:51Z

omgz

Mysterious Skin was such a great film!!!

the only thing that would have made it better was some of Araki's classic cinematography.

but it was a brilliant adaptation. i cannot wait to see a director's cut to discover what else will be thrown in.

about last night... i had a wonderful time. first of all, riding my bike downtown to have dinner with Gemma and Steven. then dancing my drunk bum off to wonderful 80s music at the seamrippers party. then biking back home and spending some time writing.

then today i went for gelato with Mike and we walked around commercial drive and went to a yard sale. it was fun and Mike is a great person!

afterwards we went to the F.A.G. meeting, where the conference was debriefed. i felt that the meeting went well, but there was way too much that could not have been brought up due to time restraints. but now the group is returning to monthly meetings and i am really excited to be apart of that. i think that we should go back to having socials inbetween the parties

fucking lj

2005-06-12T08:57:15Z

i hate you, lj

i forgot to backdate a post and it erased a huge powerful rant that i wrote.

but now i'm inspired to turn it into a performance piece.

positive thoughts

2005-06-12T01:15:37Z

i keep putting myself down. i need to stop this.

i am constantly critisizing myself. getting down on myself because i do not like the way that i look, the instability of my work environment, and the state of my life.

i need to start thinking positively, or else people are going to be able to tear strips from me on a daily occurance.

i need to set myself into a schedule. a routine. i need to make myself a list of things that i want to accomplish everyday in order to make myself happier.

i need to learn how to manage my happiness. to get myself out of this rut.

because i have been in this rut before many times and have been able to put myself out every time.

i need to allow myself to transform into a beam of positive energy that will eat up all of the shit that surrounds me.

i need to be free.

havarti cheese makes me a happy person

2005-06-11T19:24:36Z

i'm feeling a bit better today thanks to a ~~visit~~ rescue from Amy and talks from sweet people on msn. Amy and i drank coke and ate havarti cheese and did crafts last night. i was spastic and started a few crochet projects -- a stuffed cat, a scarf for me, and a scarf for Amy -- but they were abandoned for my felt teddy bear. i was all proud that i managed to sew the sole to its foot.

then i snuggled with my kitten and watched Serial Mom -- another gift from Amy.

Gemma contacted me with the ultimate cheerup plan -- mongolian bbq and watching the sunset on the beach.

we decided to add gelato and a visit from our lovely friends at

drime!

Gemma is going to call Kathleen to join us -- cuz it isn't a religious experience without Kathleen! hopefully she can make it out and then we are going to bust a move at the seamrippers party.

so last night, i was confronted with another issue while i was on the brink of insanity -- it was another email from the friend who wrote me two weeks ago. i had started to write about that email in a previous entry, but abandoned it because i was not ready to deal with it. well last night, i was forced to deal with it and i found strength in putting my emotions into words.

i have a feeling that the friendship is not salvagable. i really did not want to go at it over email, but she actually WANTED me to reply by email.

i believe that this is one of those sitations where two friends just grow apart.

and it is going to be difficult to remain civil with her when she is being so antagonistic and because we share a mutual close friend.

time will tell, i guess!

craft mania

2005-06-10T18:23:27Z

i found out that my policy deadline was pushed forward by a week. this means less work for me this weekend and more relaxation. this also means one happy nathaniel.

so Boo and David are in california for the next week and i am in charge of taking care of Mischief. this means that i get to hang out across the street once a day and let her crawl all over me for a couple of hours. it also means that i can escape from my apartment when it is needed. i believe that Travis is going to be staying there this weekend, so no escaping for me.

this afternoon, i am being interviewed by a ubc masters student writing his thesis on sexuality and the internet. it should be interesting.

the last two nights have been crafty crafty.

on wednesday night, i went to Sara's home for a craft night. i made 4 gauge plugs for my ears made of phemo. they are pretty and coloured black and green. it took me an hour to make them because i was being uncreative and could not decide on a design. in the end, i chopped the plugs in half because they were too long. i want to make some tapers soon so i can stretch to 2 gauge.

i also made Amy a present which i cannot yet devulge.

last night, at the coquitlam yq! drop-in, Sara taught us how to make 2", 3", and 5" teddy bears. i chose the 5" bear because it was the easiest to make. unfortunately, i was too busy chatting with one of the youth and took FOREVER to cut out my felt. so now i have two ears and an arm sewn. i am going to wait until next week to finish my bear.

next wednesday, i want to start on the cartigan sweater pillows! i just hope that Amy will feel ok :)

omg birthday picnic pictures!

2005-06-08T23:23:56Z

blowing out candles on BLUE VANILLA ICED CUPCAKES made by Boo!

yum yum cupcakes!

cops! cops! no cupcakes for you!

(they came by to wish me a happy birthday. thank goodness we hid the wine!)

i've forgotten how to do it... SHOW ME!

2005-06-08T08:39:30Z

tonight i enjoyed a delicious dinner of baked tofu and greek salad with Emma, Boo, Travis, and Zan. we drank wine and watched a Chris Rock dvd and discussed the madness that is our lives. i love having people cook for me. now i owe Miss Emma a meal!

my kitten is spastic because i am on the computer and not snuggling her.

i forgot the key to my office today which delayed quite a bit of work. Andrea came by and let me in at 3:30pm which gave me enough time to answer 100 emails, return some calls, and photocopy policies. tomorrow, i will be editing policies at grandview park if it is sunny. if anyone wishes to join me and read while i edit, please please please do. i am going to drag my laundry out with me as well.

i have about thirty pages of policy to edit and one day to do it. i wish that i still had the edits that Amy and i wrote up back in december. they might still be posted in the stupid yahoo group that i no longer have access to. unfortunately i just emptied out quite a bit of my trash -- Kat, i told you that i would need something as soon as i emptied it ;) i would rather rework it all and then have Andrea go over it with me on thursday.

it is going to be a long long long few days.

tomorrow night, i am going to Sara's home for craft night. i am going to pick her up from work so that i can buy a few items. when i was 23, i had given Amy two of my cherished cartigan sweaters to hold onto, and last night, she returned them to me with an idea -- to turn them into throw pillows for my bed! what an excellent way to hang onto them! so tomorrow, i will be making throw pillows, phemo earings, and working on my zine. creativity will be my friend.

tonight, i watched Jawbreaker with Zoey and remembered how hot Rose McGowan is:

Marilyn Manson, you have great taste!

speaking of great taste, props go out to one of my volunteers who has the dreamiest (yes, dreamiest) boyfriends. i think that i might have blushed.

"when levity, i'm longing that it steals each dream inside my head"

2005-06-07T09:05:57Z

i have become a slave to the new-ish Bright Eyes albums.

i cannot believe that i waited since january to buy them. i am a horrible fan. but now i cannot stop listening to them. they will become the soundtrack to this month.

this morning, i was awoken from a VERY HOT DREAM -- invovling an ex-boyfriend of mine -- by my kitten jumping on my face. i was upset because the dream was really fucking hot and i did not ever want to wake up.

but it got me out of bed and down the street to Gelato Time, where i ate bubblegum gelato with Emma and Braedon. then we went to grandview park and pushed the kid on the swing and laid in the grass. it was a beautiful way and i really enjoyed relaxing with Emma and just chatting away about the social politics of the kids that we hang out with. we also planned on having dinner together tomorrow night. Emma also made me a cute skull picture in a wonderfully-painted frame. it will enjoy its new home in my living room. i am also very jealous that Emma auditioned for an extra role on X-Men 3!!! i want to sneak in somehow.

afterwards, we met up with my mum, who fawned over Braedon as if her grandparent-biological-clock was going to explode. my mum and i went for italian food and discussed work, my freaky-conservative ex-boyfriend, and the emotional release of my father. this is the first time that my father has not contacted me for my birthday and there is a reason for it -- he does not know how to get ahold of me. i never bothered to give him my new phone number or address. i figure that any sort of birthday card will be mistakenly mailed to my old house where my former roommates will pocket the caah. "if there even is any cash," laughed my mum. she has been trying to get me to have a relationship with my father because that is what i really wanted to have before -- a relationship. but last year at xmas lunch, i realized that i no longer had any use for my dad in my life. he was completely uninterested in my life. he spaced out during stories about my life. we share none of the same interests. actually, i do not even enjoy my time with him. he has never been much of a father, leaving my family when i was 3 and paying minimal child support. he was never nuturing. he skipped out on my graduations and birthdays. he never offered me help when i was homeless or when my house burned down. he was high for most of my growing up and had no issues with exposing me to drugs from the age of eight. so my mum realized that i had let go of him emotionally and has decided not to bring him up again. it will be like he has ceased to exist.

after lunch, i began the ritualistic cleaning of my kitchen, finally washing ALL of the dishes. then Kathleen visited and we watched the sun set together while drinking tea on my balcony. once again, the social politics of the kids that we hang out with was the topic of conversation. it seems to be a theme.

i ended the night with Lili, Carla, and Kat playing monopoly, which i sucked at. i ended up selling myself out to Carla Inc. so that i could keep in the game. i think that i would have put more effort in if we had started the game earlier.

now to bed with me <3

the lady in the black dress watches over

2005-06-06T08:54:35Z

i watched Lords of Dogtown today. i was shocked by Emile Hirsch's performance -- his character was so opposite than what he played in Alter Boys. He and John Robinson were both really beautiful. i need to rent the documentary. i have been too lazy to pick it up.

goth night was not as great as i had expected. the night was mostly electronic and they only played one goth classic -- Temple of Love. luckily, i was able to catch the 1 am bus home.

tomorrow, i need to find some time to read.

B-7!

2005-06-06T01:18:51Z

comicon was silly and fun. i went with Shila and Zoey and i ran into Bryan there as well. i've missed Bryan. we are going to watch the new Batman film together. i bought some comics off a really cute artist from seattle. Shila pushed me into getting his email address.

afterwards Zoey and i ate at the mongolian grill and then i introduced him to the wonderful world of bingo -- where i won $60! elvis dabbers bring good luck.

now off to see Lords of Dogtown and go to SKANK!

thank yous

2005-06-05T08:27:35Z

thank you to all who wished me a happy birthday!

you are all too sweet.

more news tomorrow <3

no rain

2005-06-03T18:01:55Z

We don't expect any precipitation from Friday afternoon to Saturday afternoon.

happy birthday to me!

2005-06-03T08:52:14Z

it's my birthday
and it really doesn't feel like anything special.

i woke up early today and went to yoga class with Miss Boo. the beautiful instructor was there. i love having him help me with my poses. after Miss Boo and i drooled and downward dogged for an hour, we showered and went errand-running with Emma. i was distracted by a bicycle that i fell in love with and after running into Devin, Nico, and Gwen all on one corner, i ditched the group and kidnapped Nico to assist me in my decision making of buying the bike. i ended up deciding not to go with the purchase, but Nico was sweet enough to offer to help me build a new bike. i am going to start searching for the perfect bike frame this weekend!

then i went to work at the Coquitlam drop-in where arts and crafts were created and games were played. Jess stopped by and we made plans to go to COMICON together -- geeks 'r' us!

then i visited Miss Boo and Zoey and we watched flash animations and watched as the clock turned past midnight. actually we were too busy laughing at the toons to really care. i love tickling Miss Boo's feet.

i feel sad that Mischief might not make it through the night. i feel like an uncle/aunt to her and will miss her once she has passed. her and her sister filled the void in my heart left by my old rats. i will miss tickling Mischief's tummy and having her try to bite the polish off my nails.

geeks unite!

2005-06-02T07:54:28Z

Vancouver Comicon
Sunday, June 5th
11 AM to 5 PM
Heritage Hall, 3102 Main Street (Main & 15th Ave.), Vancouver, BC.
Special Guests:

Matt Haley, cover artist of Firestorm; artist of Jack Hunter: G. I. Spy, Birds of Prey, The Order.
Corey "Rey" Lewis, creator of Sharknife; artist of Street Fighter.
Steve Rolston, creator of One Bad Day, artist ofQueen and Country, Pounded, Mek.
Verne Andru, artist of Captain Canuck, Phantacea, Rock n Rule, Charlton Comics.
Ken Boesem, creator of Barking Raven Press.
Kelly Everaert, creator of Trilogy of Terror.
Robin Thompson, creator of Champions of Hell.
Robin Bougie, creator of Cinema Swere.
Free Comics!
Hourly door prizes for War of the Worlds" t-shirts, baseball caps and posters!
(War Of The Worlds opens in Theatres June 29th)

Admission: $3.00
Kids under 14: Free

_makemepure_ @ 2005-06-02T00:37:00

2005-06-02T07:42:08Z

i had a wonderful day today.

i watched the season finale of 24 (finally!)
Miss Boo and i went to the gym for an hour
i did laundry
i hung out in grandview park with Kimma and Zoey
i baked vegan brownies with chocolate-vanilla icing made from melted chocolate chips
i had a lovely dinner with Miss Boo, Travis, and Zoey
then we were joined by Kimmeh for a game of Simpsons Clue
and the night ended back at grandview park, with the five of us playing on the swings

tomorrow, i have yoga class and then working at the coquitlam drop-in.

i am excited about my picnic on friday night.

my rant (part 1)

2005-05-31T20:08:23Z

i have decided to update, but this entry will be as scattered as my brain currently feels.

i am craving ho-ho's spring rolls like a mofo and i am blaming Kimma and Michael for that one!

this weekend was a gong show. i am starting to feel that i was the only conference participant who did not expect politics to occur in seattle. i honestly expected a group of queer people networking, brainstorming, and healing.

that is not how it happened.

i witnessed an example of trans-phobia directed to someone who i really care about and admire and it infuriated me to no end. i was so angry that i wanted to tear the employment from the security guard, escort them out of the convention centre, and sent them to anti-oppression school.

and this was a conference which was being directed by a trans-man and is the planned venue for the FTM conference this fall.

fucking bullshit.

on another note, i have been the victim of misandry before. it is something that many people who are male-identified or male-assumed experience. but i have never experienced it on such a strong level as i did at this conference. then again, i have never gained so much support from strangers as well.

with every glare, spitting comment, or judgment that was inflicted on me, a person either publicly spoke up for me, offered to give me a hug or kiss, or expressed their gratitude that i was there.

the reason for this was because i spoke up. i made that choice on friday night when i realized that this conference for femme-identified queers was 90% female-bodied-centric. the conference focused on the invisibility of femmes in the queer community, while completely ignoring that there are visible femmes in the queer community who have been persecuted for so many years -- male-identified femmes.

i was extremely conscious not to take up too much space. i was very polite with the words that i expressed, only adding in my own personal experience and asking for guidance on issues that affect male-identified femmes.

and i usually keep quiet at events like this. i am very shy and very much an observer. i hate public speaking, but at the same time, i am an advocate for my youth and many of them are male-identified queer femmes who were unknowingly being oppressed by this behaviour.

so i spoke up.

i spoke up about the "straight-looking, straight-acting" gay man community that occurs in vancouver. about the pressures that queer boys experience having to choose between being femme or butch -- even though i feel femme stands on its own. about personally changing my own identity to try to "fit in" better. about not allowing gender to affect my attractions and not being taken seriously whenever i pursue something with a girl ("no, you're gay, not bi!"). about being gay-bashed in my elementary school at the age of 6 because i was presumed queer due to my femininity. and about how the femme community as a whole can help encourage male-identified femmes to embrace their femininity and not feel ashamed.

i was called a mysogynic.
i was told that i couldn't be femme if i was a boy.
i was told that there was no way that i couldn't have known i was queer -- due to my femininity.
i was told that the only male-identified queer femmes that they knew about were drag queens.
i was told that there were no femme groups out there that included all genders.
i was laughed at quite a bit.

actually, i became known as "that boy who spoke up". my roommate was proud to call me "her boy" whenever she heard people talk about me.

on sunday night, there was a play party event because held by the conference. it was open to everyone, except for non-trans males. even though i have been starting to identify more as gender-queer over the past six months -- as i had identified when i was younger -- and the party was open to gender-queer people, i did not feel comfortable going. but i was pushed to go. i was told that my presence was important. so i did. i dressed up and showed up. my gender was not questioned at the door, since my roommates had dressed me in a hot pink femme apron over top of my baby blue boys and girls club summer camp tshirt and baby blue truck boxer shorts and covered my eyes with blue and purple eyeshadow and glitter. i had people approach me telling me how beautiful i looked and how they didn't even recognize me at first. i also had people who just turned and glared at me for long periods of time. and when i was glared at, i did not flinch or move or anything. i just took power from their glares because i had every right to be there.

but we only stayed for an hour because of the layout of the location. it wasn't really my thing. but it was hot to watch two women fucking in front of me.

i had been encouraged to speak up at the feedback workshop on the final day of the conference. i chose to sleep instead and then go shopping for sex toys and books with a group of femmes from vancouver. i even found autographed copies of an anthology that i had written for and added my own autograph to the inside cover. that was empowering.

i also felt empowered by the support that i received from many of my peers at the conference itself. i had people giving me their contact information because they really wanted to keep in touch with me. and i met a ton of great people from vancouver, which makes me happy.

i am happy to be apart of the femme community in vancouver. i am proud that our community is able to look past gender and sexuality. i just really hope that my speaking up with help other femme communities realize their own oppressive behaviour and will encourage more male-identified femmes to take a stand.

NOT THE MOMMA! (a.k.a. things done while traffic is gridlocked on the I-5)

2005-05-31T07:41:44Z

_makemepure_ @ 2005-05-30T22:50:00

2005-05-31T05:53:06Z

Misandry
(From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia)

Misandry, sometimes called Androphobia, is the hatred of men, for being men. While usually ascribed to women, it is also theoretically possible for males themselves to be misandrist. Unlike misogyny (a pathological aversion towards women), misandry has been little discussed or investigated. Some masculists maintain that misandry has been rampant for thirty years, due to feminist advocacy, and has become a social pathology. Some feminists believe that, while misogyny is a social disease, misandry does not exist. Others in both feminist and masculist camps consider the "war of the sexes" arising from traditional gender roles to be a powerful source of both misogyny and misandry.

Forms of misandry

There are many different forms of misandry. In its most overt expression, a misandrist will openly hate all males, and will hurt them simply because they are male.

Other forms of misandry may be more subtle. Some misandrists may simply hold all males under suspicion, or may hate males who do not fall into one or more acceptable categories. Entire cultures may be said to be misandric if they treat males in ways that can be seen as hateful.
[edit]

Misandry in popular culture

* The common view of men as being sex-crazed and overbearing
* The common view of men being superior to women
* The typical sitcom male's bumbling ineptitude
* The common view of men as unable to take care of themselves, but rather needing a woman (in the form of a mother or a wife) to take care of them (Gaston, a character from Disney's Beauty and the Beast, is such a man, but husbands and wives in real life need to take care of each other.)

Fictional Misandrists

* Femme Fatale (Powerpuff Girls)
* Rei Hino

See also

* Marriage strike
* Misanthropy
* Lesbian separatism
* Valerie Solanas
* Misogyny

Links

* The Teaching of Contempt for Men in Popular Culture (http://www.lbduk.org/spreading%20misandry.htm) book review
* Androphobia: The Only Respectable Bigotry (http://www.backlash.com/content/gender/1996/4-apr96/wilson04.html) by Robert Anton Wilson

Bibliography

* Spreading Misandry: The Teaching of Contempt for Men in Popular Culture; Paul Nathanson and Katherine K. Young, McGill-Queen's University Press, Montreal, 2001; ISBN 0-7735-2272-7

_makemepure_ @ 2005-05-25T02:33:00

2005-05-25T09:34:03Z

i had an interesting day.

_makemepure_ @ 2005-05-23T21:43:00

2005-05-24T04:50:40Z

it was a long victoria day, filled with an eight hour work day in the office with board members. all of the executive positions were switched around and that makes me feel more confident with the society. i am really happy that David is now the office coordinator and is on the board.

i am excited to download the season finales for 24 and 7th Heaven, two of my geeky loves.

i am excited about seattle. i will be leaving on friday and returning on monday. i need to plan out my workshops and events with Amy and Andrea.

so i didn't end up at goth night last night. i was feeling too depressed for goth night. after hanging with my kitten, David convinced me to go for a bike ride. we rode to the PNE and along Burrard Inlet to Gastown and back home along Adanac. it was wonderful. it reminded me of biking along the inlet with Nico and being surprised by the fireworks.

my birthday is next week. i am celebrating at a spoken word and music night that Kat and Kim and i are throwing. so on tuesday may 31st, go to zesty's cafe. it's at commercial and venables and the show starts at 9pm. $3-$5 sliding scale. it will make me happy to have people there.

David and i are planning a joint birthday venture once he and Boo return from San Francisco.

_makemepure_ @ 2005-05-22T13:39:00

2005-05-22T20:50:38Z

thank you to everyone that came out to my potluck last night and thank you for all of the great food!

i thought that it was great how people were afraid to bring desserts this time ;)

much love goes out to:

Miss Boo (and Mischief!), Chris, Shila, Kimmeh, Lyle, Jeff, Paul, Amy, Gemma, Steven (and Saffron!), Kathleen, Monica, Leanne, and David!

i was going to visit the kids at temple today, but i am feeling lazy and just want to curl up on the couch with my kitten. tonight is goth night though, which i am excited about!

_makemepure_ @ 2005-05-22T01:28:00

2005-05-22T08:32:44Z