You're so beautiful...you could be a waitress' Journal

2:02am: All by myself
I'm single.

First time in 5 years.

Damn.

1:42am: ???
On the one hand, the documentary I produced got into the biggest enviro film fest in the country. There's also a good chance of making it into Sundance. I also found a full-time position as an esthetician. Score.

On the other hand, I feel like I'm being continually punched in the face in my current relationship. I can't go anywhere or do anything without fear of retribution.

My life sucks, and then sometimes it doesn't suck. But most of the time it sucks.

Please help me.

10:15pm: Broke
In every way.

Broke money-wise.
Broken up.
Broken spirit.
Broken dreams.

Time to go to bed and figure things out in my dreams.

12:37am: The good fight
Every minute that passes is a test. This is hard. I never realized how hard it is to love someone, until you. Love before was easy. There were no tests. Only the recognition of something dying, something terminal, something not worth the fight. Passivity at its best.

I'm scared. It's so easy to think it's hard. It's different to experience the hardship; to wake with it lying heavily across your chest, suffocating you. Your sleep is interrupted. You wake, happily immersed in slumber, and panic. It's wrong. You wake at dawn craving the next dusk, living in what feels like eternal, shadowy night. Time is dragging its feet.

This is how I feel when you are gone. I know that this separation is necessary. Life...time...only moves forward. But I feel you close to me even when you are a thousand miles away. I grasp the image of your face, the feeling of your hands sliding over my thighs, your arms curling around my belly, your dark curls pressing into my back. I fall asleep in your arms every night, pulling you into my dreams and holding you so tightly my joints ache the whole next day.

I wrote this in a flurry of thought. You invade my brain permanently. I cannot help but wonder...

These small hands, this curved back, and freckled skin; these are all yours. I will always fight.

"Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I'm just too far
From where you are
I wanna come home"

11:43pm: Simple
I wrote a whole entry about how unhappy I am with my life.

I read it when I was through.

I felt sick.

I should be so grateful for what I have and the opportunities that I have been presented with. My family loves me. My boyfriend is wonderful and I adore him. I have a puppy who stares at me with love and appreciation in his eyes. I have good food to eat and the beginning of a career at my finger tips. I am safe and warm.

Why do I feel so discontent? All I have to do is look around me and realize how easy I have it. My life is so simple. Why do I complicate everything? I can't understand how my own brain works.

I want to tell everyone that I love them. Even if I don't talk to you everyday. Even if I barely know you. You are all wonderful and full of beautiful life. Cherish it. Be thankful.

I am.

11:53pm: Got an itch
I haven't written in a long time. I haven't felt up to it.

I still don't know if I am, but I figure I'll give it a try and if I'm not, then you'll know why I'm not around.

I dropped out of college. I moved back to Chicago. I got a new boyfriend. He is nice sometimes. We got a dog. He is also nice sometimes.

We also got an apartment. It's probably my favorite of all the places I've lived. I started esthetics school. I am in love with skin. With touch. With color and texture and transformation.

The human body is a fascinating tool. Skin, however, is what holds everything together, in place, shaping and molding our personalities and characters. I love working with people to make their skin and their life better. It's so satisfying.

Now that I'm a college dropout I'm itching to go back. I think I will pursue nursing. Being a healer is so rewarding and full of life. I can think of nothing I would love better than to touch those who have touched me.

I am in love with people.

I feel discombobulated. I often feel like I am floating, just observing, invisible. I crave connection and warmth.

I'm lonely.

I guess not much has changed.

5:10pm: Life sucks and then you die.

That's how I feel most of the time.

Why would anyone want to waste their time on me?

Why?

12:29am: Twenty
( In chronological order.. )

2:06pm: Lucky?
I'm home from London. LONDON.

Why is this world such a FUCKING mess?

I was riding the same tube, walking around with the same people, and being as oblivious as everyone else just days ago at the same tube stops that were blown up. One of the stops is a matter of yards from the hotel we stayed in.

I'm still shaken, and I'm safe here in podunk Indiana. How sad is that?

Fuck the terrorists. May they ROT in HELL.

I wanted to write about how awesome my trip was. How happy I was to see my baby. The beautiful diamond necklace he gave me for my birthday, and the tiny Italian restaurant we ate at for my birthday, which was lit solely by candles. About shopping, and eating fish and chips, and how awfully depressing (to the point of hilarity) Madame Tussaud's and the London Dungeons were. How I discovered my first Lush store (ruledbymercury, you were right...the products ROCK!). I wanted to write about how awesomely cute Oxford was, and how I only wanted to stay for one more day to discover more of the shops and nooks and crannies of one of the oldest college towns in the world.

And I wanted to write about all of this with a happy heart, but now I'm just sad and grateful that I wasn't there as a terrorist attack took place and claimed lives.

And angry.

Very angry.

3:32pm: Cheerio!!!
Have an awesome Fourth everyone!!

See ya Wednesday!

7:37pm: Latest
Jared left for England on Friday night. I didn't cry, even though I wanted to.

Let the countdown begin:

2 days down, 37 to go... :\

I saw my mom's play today. The Sound of Music is VERY long as a play. But it was fun to see her dressed up as a nun. Weird, but fun. I wish I had gotten her voice.

Tomorrow I'm going to the Taste with Christina...I'm SO excited!! I love eating, so the Taste is heaven for me. I don't care if it makes me a blimp. It only happens once a year, and I'm gonna take advantage. :P

Andy is buying me a new digital camera for my birthday. How did I get such an awesome brother? I lucked out, that's for sure. I've decided I like the Canon SD400. It's going to last me FOREVER.

I have lots of homework.

London/Oxford in 3ish days!

This summer is going to fly by. I can feel it. I'm just not sure if I like that.

Have a happy week everyone!

12:21pm: Blah blah blah
I've decided I hate statistics more than any other class I've encountered in college. For the most part, I don't understand what is going on, partly because it's confusing, and partly because my teacher is Italian. Yes, he sounds like Mario from the Nintendo game. It would be cool if I weren't trying to learn something.

I have a stat test on Thurs, and a practice test AND 60 problems to complete before then. Guess we all know what tomorrow is devoted to...

HATE HATE HATE.

My American Lit class is pretty cool though. The teacher is boring and annoying (ie: she drones on and on AND talks to herself), but the things we read are really interesting. Plus, I'm getting an awesome grade so far. That's the best part.

I've decided NOT to switch my major. I don't want to be here another three years. Also, I've decided I'm going to cosmetology school (hopefully in Evanston) no matter what, so I guess whatever degree I earn here will suffice to keep my parents happy and make sure I get to try a profession I'm truly interested in. Besides, PR isn't that bad. I've already completed most of the cores for it as well, so now all I have to do is make it through the next 2 years and then I can get the hell out here.

I feel 102% better now. No more emotional rollercoaster, no more yuckiness. I'm finally well, and MAN does it feel good. I don't EVER want to throw up again, as long as I live. Or at least not for another five years.

I can't wait to go to England. Jared and I booked the hotel in London yesterday, and it looks pretty nice for the price we paid. I'm SO excited to browse through Harrod's and Fortnum and Mason, and maybe pick up some "gear" at Top Shop. Fish and chips, drinking lager while watching rugby, Big Ben, Notting Hill, Hyde Park...I wish I could spend the summer there like Jared. But a week will do. I'm lucky for that. My parents are so awesome for getting me the ticket. It's the best birthday present ever. :)

Jules and I move in on July 22!!! Only ONE MONTH!!!!!!!

I'm making lasagne tonight. Maybe a pie, too. Apple? Peach? So many choices!!

Have a happy tuesday!

8:21pm: Psycho
It turns out that the man who shot the woman I used to work with was someone I knew as well.

He was a good friend of the woman's fiance, also my manager. This man used to hang out at CJ's with my manager all the time. I guess they were pretty much inseperable since they attended grade school together. No one will ever know why she was murdered, seeing as he killed himself. I feel so bad for my old manager. He lost his fiance and his best friend in one day.

I wouldn't wish that on anyone, not even my worst enemy.

I've been going through a lot of emotional stuff lately. I don't want to write about it, but it's depressing and I've decided I hate being moody. It's just not me. I'm glad it's almost past.

ALMOST.

9:59pm: What is wrong with people?
So today I came home from lunch and a long Borders run with Jared, and I sit down at my computer to check the weather on the Chicago Tribune website. I pull the site up, and browse a little bit, reading about how the two sisters from Minnesota (whose father is conveniently the attorney general) were acquitted of charges that they resisted arrest outside a Chicago nightclub, and that some teenager was sentence to 86 years in prison for armed purse-robbery, while Mark Hacking will probably serve about 25-35 years for MURDERING his wife and unborn child and STUFFING THEM IN A GARBAGE CAN.

As I'm reading these stories, I can feel my heart just sink in my chest, pressing heavily on my ribcage. It's like suffocating.

Then, a minor headline catches my eye. It says something to the effect of "Shooting at North Shore Restaurant." Curious, I click the link, and the page opens. A picture of the said restaurant appears, and although it is small, obviously taken from the air, I gasp. It's on a corner, with umbrella tables scattered about the sidewalk in front. I know it's name. CJ Arthur's.

I used to work there.

For about one and a half years in high school, I was a hostess at a small family restaurant in downtown Wilmette. In the summer, the restaurant has outdoor seating on the sidewalk, a few feet from the street, but since the street is quiet, it's a nice place to have lunch or dinner, or even breakfast, on a warm summer day.

My old boss, Art, is awesome. I loved working there. The family who owns it is so kind, and I never didn't want to go to a shift. Their son, Jason, is an awesome night manager, and I actually cried my last night there. I didn't want to quit.

Jason's girlfriend, Candace, was a waitress there. She had two little, adorable girls that Jared and I babysat once. Jason and Candace were an awesome couple, although Candace probably wasn't the easiest person for me to befriend. She spoke her mind, and she'd say anything to your face. But I got along with her, and she was a staple there, obviously.

Well, today, a man pulled up at 3pm in a beat up car while Candace was eating outside with her two daughters, age 2 and 4. Little babies. He fired point-blank at Candace with a shotgun, four times. She probably died within moments, although, in the paper, she was only declared dead at the hospital. Her 4 year old was also hit, although it sounds as if she made it through emergency surgery. Her 2 year old wasn't injured, thank God.

The interviews of people who witnessed the shooting are horrible. Graphic, with details of blood spattered, hysterical little girls, watching their mother be murdered. Of the driver just driving away, blankly, as if nothing had happened. Of my old boss cradling Candace in his arms as she probably died, or was already dead.

As for the shooter, he parked and ran. They found him in an alley three blocks away. According to the papers, he had once had a relationship with Candace. What a man. He committed suicide.

Why does this have to happen? Two little girls are now motherless. Jason...I can't even imagine what he is going through. The restaurant...they already had a fire at the other restaurant they own down the street, not to mention a smoking ban that devestated the night life. Now this?

People make me so sad. So sad.

11:26pm: Cheerio!!
It's been a while since I've LJed.

Oh well.

Here's some news:

-I got over my illness. I feel ok now, but the stupid cough is still hanging around. It's annoying.

-I bought my gran a fish for her birthday, named (very appropriately) Bubbles. However, Bubbles (a goldfish, go figure) died a mere 4 days after he was brought home from PetCo, so he received a prompt, teary-eyed (my gran), watery funeral to the sanitation department, and was replaced an hour later by Flounder (a much heartier beta). Flounder is electric blue, and I swear, if my grandma could pull him out of the bowl and hug him, she would. She was ecstatic to add another "member" to her "family" (of her, Tweety, the parakeet, and Dakota, the stuffed dog).

I'm glad I could make my grandma so happy. She deserves it.

On another grandma note, my aunt came to visit, and babied her as usual. She replaced her sporty red car with a "sporty" red WHEELCHAIR! Oh, boy! Also, a walker, and she wants to put an ugly railing up in the front of her house. They (my mom and aunt) attempted to take the car keys away, but my grandmother HID one of them... She also stole the key to the LOCK they had installed on her basement door, and snuck down there while my aunt wasn't looking. Damn, my gran cracks me up. I want to be like her when I'm 91.

-Jules finally came to visit me. I gave her the grand tour, starting with Walker Bros., followed by a trip downtown to visit H&M, Foodlife, and Water Tower, Emily and the kitty, and then a late night drive back to Crown Point (and a hottub soak, too) so Jules could work at 7:30 the following am. THAT was a fun, if not tiring, 24 hours. :) Jules also helped me with the fish incident. I can't WAIT to move into our townhouse with KITTIES in less than a month and a half!! EEK!! :D

-Andy got hit by some Russian dude, and the Cavalier may be totalled. My poor baby brother. He finally gets out of school for the summer only to have his car wrecked. I ALMOST want to give him my car, the poor guy. :(

-I dropped Spanish, and I now only have two classes a week. I hated my Spanish teacher. He's from Uruguay, he didn't use the book I shelled out MONEY for, and his example of direct objects was a Spanish CONDOM AD. Ok.

-I'm acing my Lit class. Got an A on my first test today... Yes! Stats not so much so, but I think I can manange. Well, I hope. :\

-I get to go home every weekend. It rocks.

-And finally, the best news...

I'm going to ENGLAND!!!!!!! June 30-July 6, I'm visiting Jared in London and Oxford while he's studying there. I am SOOO PSYCHED!!!!! Can not WAIT. Period.

Wonder if Keane will be playing while I'm there...hmmmm ;P

Hope everyone else is awesome and enjoying summer!! Lovies!

12:41am: Paper or plastic?
She don't run from the sun no more;
She boxed her shadow and she won.
Said, "I can see you laugh,
Through these bottle caps,
And this wire around my neck ain't
There for fun."

But someday we'll all be old,
And I'll be so damn beautiful...

Meanwhile I hide my head
Here in this paper bag,
Cause if I cant see you
Then you can't see me,
And it'll be okay.
Fly, little bee, away,
To where there's no more rain
And I can be me.

Yeah, they talk about her.
She smiles like she's so tough.
She says,
"Hey, can you talk a little louder,
I don't think my heart is broken enough."

But someday we'll all be old,
And I'll be so damn beautiful...

Meanwhile I hide my head
Here in this paper bag,
Cause if I can't see you
Then you can't see me,
And it'll be okay.
Fly, little bee, away,
To where there's no more rain
And I can be me.

Some days I wait in the indigo,
Singing that song on the radio,
I blame these puddles on the rain...
You know I gotta keep these cheeks dry today,
Gotta keep my cheating strategy,
And, baby, I'm gonna have it made.

-Anna Nalick "Paper Bag"

5:20pm: June 1, 1914
Happy 91st Birthday, Grandma!!

I love you!

1:24pm: Creepiest website EVER
This has to be one of the most disturbing morph-yourself websites I've ever seen.

You upload a picture of yourself, and then it predicts what you'll look like in 10, 20, 30, 40 years, and how you would look as the opposite sex.

Check me out, hehehe.
( CREEPY )

2:30pm: Update
I haven't updated in quite a while. I guess I've just been really busy, and sick, and haven't had the time or energy to write much of anything. But a lot has happened lately. Here's what's going on in my life...

( Interested? )

10:13pm: Why?
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/chi-0505230155may23,1,5656744.story?coll=chi-news-hed

10:22pm: Randomness
Mother's Day was good. I went home and saw my family, and had good food. Gave my mom some flowers and a card, and saw my gran, who always cries when I come to pick her up. My mom bought me something from Clinique so I could get the free gift, which is awesome. That's just like my mom, buying ME something on Mother's Day. How did I get so lucky? I kind of like knowing that I'm missed.

It was so nice out yesterday, around 80 and not too sunny; we were able to lounge around the backyard and have a bocce ball tournament. My uncle and dad cooked marinated steak, lamb, and baked potatoes on the grill, and even Jared's grannie, who is 79 this year, was prancing about the lawn barefoot. :P I was very sad to leave and drive back to my apartment in Shitiana, but even more tired, since I had worked 10-8:15 on Saturday, then drive home, stayed there for about 18 hours, and had to turn around to drive back in time for work at 7:15 this morning.

I need days that are at least 36 hours long.

On my way back, I stopped in Crown Point and saw Jules. I met her mom and brother, who were both very pleasant and hospitable, and her cocker spaniel, Chloe. The are SUCH nice people. They said anytime I feel lonely here, just drive up for dinner, or just to hang out. Jules really is a godsend.

Then we went to Steak n Shake. Finally, a girl after my own tastes...fried food and dessert all the way! We are going to have a BLAST next year. With our moms, the food will be aplenty, and the stomachs will be plenty bloated, hehehehehe. I can't WAIT til July 22 gets here and I can move out of this crap apartment building and into our gorgeous, NEW townhouse.

Yippee!!!

I got my grades. They were decent. I'm not mad, but I'm not jumping for joy. Just complacent, I guess.

I miss Jared, but it's his choice what happens. I have a job.

Finally, my manager (the conversation one) has graduated to touching me. Albeit, it is subtle, like "tackling" me around the knees, or putting his hand on my elbow, or poking me, but still...is this ok? He's married. End of story. I really don't want to get all dramaish, but it makes me feel funny, and that's not cool. Who wants to spend almost 40 hours a week feeling awkward? Not me. I hope this doesn't progress, that's all I can say.

I can't wait to get out of this state.

(Keane in 9 days...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! :D)

10:33am: Hah

You are

12:33pm: Tell me what you think, please
( My short story, due today at 6pm, worth 40% of my grade )

3:59pm: Tres dias
It's already May?!?!? This year has gone by so fast. I can't believe that two years of college are coming to an end. It's impossible to think that at this time 720 days ago I was getting ready for prom and graduation. I'm in shock.

Jules and I get on famously. I met her "boyfriend" for the first time yesterday, and thought he was cool, although I'm not sure how much longer he'll be around. Jared and I went to Little Mexico with them last night, and then rented a movie and hung out at her place. I also met her roomie, although we weren't introduced, so I guess I just watched her walk in the house and leave. It's probably better that way, since Jules is leaving to live with me, and her roomies knows this and is pretty upset about it. I hate drama.

By the way, her dog, Hunter, is awesome, if not a bit hyper. She thinks he's a lab/beagle mix, and he's just gorgeous. I wouldn't even mind if he lived with us next year, although I wouldn't really want the responsibility. He's just so cute, though!

I only have three finals, which is awesome. Two on Monday and one Wednesday. I'm only mildly worried about psych and history, because they count a lot and they're both going to be long. But since I'm taking a study break right now, and that's ALL I've been doing all day, I think I should be ok. Working has gotten me managing my time better, and I know that even though Jared will be gone this summer, I'll be so busy with school and work and driving home and back that it's going to seem like no time at all that Jared is back and the new semester is starting and Jules and I are moving into our fabulous townhouse. :)

I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!

I also have a short story to write, but I've already started it and I think it's going well. I love taking writing classes. If only writing wasn't such a sporadic-income job. I think I'd like to do it for a profession, but I can't imagine being a starving artist. I never think things I write are very interesting, either. I guess sticking with teaching english (or MAKEUP ARTISTRY!!!) is a much safer bet.

Found out yesterday that Keane is doing a midday show at Borders on Mich. Ave. the day of their concert in Chicago. Gonna have to finagle myself out of work early so I can make it, but it'll be well worth it. Perhaps, if I call in sick, I can even go home a day early then. I'm just so excited to see them one more time live before they become HUGE and don't play small venues anymore. They were on Leno the other night, so I think that time is near. :( Anyways, I know Christi and I are going to have so much fun and I hope we can get closer to the stage than I got at the last concert. (I'm going to wear comfier shoes this time!! :P)

Speaking of shoes, I want these ballet flats from Target, but they don't have them at the store OR online! :(

I bought the Anna Nalick CD on Fri, and if I may say, her voice and lyrics are amazing. I'm really impressed.

Today I'm sick, too. I woke up with the worst stomach ache ever, and at first I thought it was what I ate last night, but it was much too long after eating for that to be the cause. It must be some strange virusy thing. No matter, I've been feeling quite shitty all day, and just lounging around in my PJs studying and not eating. No fun. I look rather disgusting, too. But that's ok; I'm not going anywhere, and no one is coming over. I'm giving my skin a makeup-break today, and I can already tell it's thanking me. I hate my skin.

Ok...time to study, as I'm just wasting time here, trying to avoid reading about pre-Civil War America at all cost! :P Have an awesome Sunday, everyone!

11:49pm: Today was very long, and even more tiring. I had to work 7:15-1, then had spanish, which was optional, so I skipped and studied for the final instead. I went to history at 5:30 and got out around 8, so my whole day was about 13 hours.

Yikes.

Tomorrow through Saturday, I work til close, either from noon or 10. I am going to be SO burned out. Thank god my finals aren't going to kill me, cause then I would know I was going to die, and that would not be so fun.

I had an interesting day at work. Here are two conversations that A. creeped me out beyond belief B. made my day:

#1 (between my manager and me)

(Manager walks over looking sort of sheepish)
Manager: Hey, Jill. Don't take this the wrong way, or like I'm hitting on you, cause obviously I'm married...
(waves ring finger to show off wedding band)
Manager: ...but have you ever modeled or acted?
Me (confused): No...why?
Manager: Because you're really...beautiful.
(I'm very taken aback and sort of recoil, because he IS married and I'm not even slightly attracted to him)
Me: Um, thanks?
Manager: Yeah.
(He starts to walk away, but turns around abruptly and continues speaking)
Manager: Aren't you going to be a teacher?
Me: That's the plan.
Manager: Elementary?
Me: High school, actually.
Manager: Oh man, you're gonna have your guy students creaming their pants.
(Having no idea how to respond, I just look down and start sorting papers...he walks away)

OOOOOOOK. Is this not slightly disturbing? I don't know if this is a one time thing, or if it's going to continue, in which case I would consider it sexual harassment. One month on the job and this is happening. Great.

#2 (Ted!!!)

On a MUCH brigher note, Ted, the handyman in my old dorm came in to see me today, and we had an awesome long talk. It was so nice to talk to someone who remembers the old Emily and realizes how much she's changed. I miss Ted. He had a lot of nice things to tell me, and he's going to visit me this summer and bring pictures of his cabin and new dog. If there's one thing I miss about the dorms, it's Ted. I also thought it was funny that he said he thinks Emily's new roommate is really unfriendly, too.

Tomorrow Jules and I are going to go see Fever Pitch. It got good reviews, so I hope the movie lives up to them. I'm so excited to have a girls' night out with a girl I really LIKE! Yay for facebook and new roomies and names that start with J!!! :)

Oh, and we're definitely getting the townhouse. I am so relieved to know where I'm living next year, and to have an awesome roomie, too. It's so funny how much we have in common. Can't wait til next year!!!!