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Anya

A Harry Potter fan, lately House addicted, fond of cinema, music, freedom and writing. Young, dreamy, and idealist. But here she is...disillusioned. It's not a drama, she's just seeking some truth about herself through these few words. A little place on the Internet, enclosing her best and worst memories, her reflexions and musings.
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New layout [01 Jun 2006|05:44pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Well as you can notice (for those who still stumble accross this LJ) I made a new layout for this LJ. Nothing revolutionnary, as I suck with LJ coding, but I changed the image nevertheless. Features some of my favourite actors : Pierce Brosnan, worldwide known as James Bond of course, Ewan McGregor of course, Joaquin Phoenix, recently (re)discovered with his awesome role as Johnny Cash in "Walk the Line" and Sean sexy Bean, bad evil scientist in "The Island" and devoted husband in "North Country" (L'affaire Josey Aimes) and "Silent Hill". All with a cigarette, because smoking men are love.


Anyway, nothing new. Life goes on quite smoothly, a little boring but I'm not complaining. The sun is shining and my life is full of projects. For the first time since a long time, I'm very peaceful. I feel whole and complete. I'm happy.

1 Dream| Make a Wish

Hello world [23 Apr 2006|11:35pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Well I was coming here with the clear intention of writing something, but now that I'm here, I can't remember what I wanted to say XD
It must be this yearning for this something I can't put my finger on. Lately, I've been craving for something, but I can't say what, and it's very frustrating. I want to write, to talk, to express myself, but I have nothing to talk about, I just want to babble about anything and nothing. There were some days where I said nothing because I had no one to talk with, and lately, as it's the holidays, I met my friends on many occasions last week. It was weird, at first, being surrounded by people, laughing with them, being asked how you were, feeling cared. But Force, how I felt warm, loved, fuzzy inside, happy...! It was pure bliss, just being there, seated on this café terrasse in the warm spring sun, with the people I love and care. I had almost forgotten this feeling. I was used to being alone, only counting on myself, shielding myself from the others, because everything I received was hurt. There's nothing better than friends, real and close ones, to rebuild one's self confidence. So I decided to put all my trust in them, trust them for making me love people again. So that I can, one day, be able to love someone again.

Make a Wish

Welcome back home... [07 Apr 2006|02:57am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

It's been quite a time since the last post. I'm not sure anyone's still coming here, but it will be for the best I think. I need a proper place where I can write without censoring myself because of some people.
Well it's not the case here, as I snapped something from Eowynangel's LJ. Here you go. It was supposed to be applied to only a specific fandom, but as I'm bored to no words, I'll make it for 3.

Harry Potter
1. The first character I first fell in love with : duh, Harry of course. Always falling for the hero :p
2. The character I never expected to love as much as I do now : Snape I think, even after the awfulness of the sixth book. Ginny, too.
3. The character everyone else loves that I don't : Ron perharps ? He gets on my nerves sometimes. Sirius too, sometimes
4. The character I love that everyone else hates : Lucius rules. Evil has never looked so good. Ha, now I should say Snape too !
5. The character I used to love but don't any longer : Dumbledore, partly because I think he's a sadistic and senile old man.
6. The character I would shag : This sexy-sinful man that is Lucius Malfoy.
7. The character I'd want to be like : Ginny, she rocks ! And Luna.
8. The character I'd slap : Malfoy Junior at the beginning, now he kind of moved me in the sixth book. But Umbridge is still the top one. And Harry in the fifth.
9. A pairing that I love : I'm a slash addict so HP/DM or HP/SS for me...but I wouldn't mind some Severus/Lily or Harry/Luna, this kind of things
10. A pairing that I despise : Ron/Hermione. Enough said.

Star Wars
1
. The first character I first fell in love with : I never get the chance to watch the original trilogy before the prequel. So obviously I fell for little padawan Obi.
2. The character I never expected to love as much as I do now : Qui-Gon. I pity him. Perharps Darth too, now that I understand him more.
3. The character everyone else loves that I don't : Eeer...Anakin ? Despite his look that does'nt hurt the eyes.
4. The character I love that everyone else hates : I loooove Maul. Even if he was completely useless and killed Qui-Gon, I think he rocks.
5. The character I used to love but don't any longer : Anakin. Such a pity to spoil such a gorgeous body with this childish and selfish mind !
6. The character I would shag : Obi-Wan Kenobi. Padawan, Knight, Master.
7. The character I'd want to be like : Leia. Always on the move and devoted to her cause.
8. The character I'd slap : Anakin junior, Padawan Anakin, Knight Anakin...it's not to mention Jar-Jar, that I'd be delighted to slaughter.
9. A pairing that I love : Well strangely enough, I love Ani/Obi 'cause Anakin is always better in slashes. But Obi/Padmé is quite good too.
10. A pairing that I despise : Duh, Ani/Padmé....so cliché and ridiculous.

Celebrities
1
. The first person I first fell in love with : As far as my memory can recall, I think it's Dean Cain I had my first crush on. The one who played in the TV show "Lois & Clark: the new adventures of Superman"
2. The person I never expected to love as much as I do now : Well, Ewan obviously.
3. The person everyone else loves that I don't : Matt Damon. And Mell Gibson.
4. The person I love that everyone else hates : "Hates" would be a little too hard. I don't know, Jim Carrey ?
5. The person I used to love but don't any longer : I used to like Catherine Zeta-Jones very much. But not anymore, for no specific reason.
6. The person I would shag : Duh Ewan at first. And again and again XD
7. The person I'd want to be like : Sarah Jessica Parker. And Nicole Kidman
8. The person I'd slap : Paris Hilton and co.
9. A couple that I love : I'm in love with the little McGregor family.
10. A couple that I despise : Brad/Angelina

Make a Wish

A little test before going to sleep [22 Dec 2005|01:32am]
[ mood | tired ]

Your Seduction Style: Sweet Talker

Your seduction technique can be summed up with "charm"
You know that if you have the chance to talk to someone...
Well, you won't be talking for long! ;-)

You're great at telling potential lovers what they want to hear.
Partially, because you're a great reflective listener and good at complementing.
The other part of your formula? Focusing your conversation completely on the other person.

Your "sweet talking" ways have taken you far in romance - and in life.
You can finess your way through any difficult situation, with a smile on your face.
Speeding tickets, job interviews... bring it on! You truly live a *charmed life*

Make a Wish

Just some ramblings... [07 Nov 2005|01:28am]
[ mood | confused ]

Here I am again...it's 01h30 A.M. and I can get myself to sleep. Must be the excitation of the Harry Potter Premiere I watched some hours ago. You know, the adrenaline, the pression you have, being a webmaster and wanting to post the very first and exclusive photos of the event. And you stay online, wait for someone to comment the event with you. How was Emma Watson's dress (awful), how come Daniel always manages to be so attractive, even in your less favourite color suit (green...but deep green so I guess that's ok), etc... And you watch this live stream video from AOL, you hear the screams of the fans, the lights that are flashing everywhere, and you tell yourself that you could have been there, too. It was planned to be you, on the other side of the camera, you weren't supposed to be the one sitted at home who can simply watch. You should have been living this, like many other people. But...well *sighs* I still tell myself my parents were right about not letting me go. It didn't keep me from shedding a tear when I saw this huge sign at the top of the Oden Cinema, on the screen of my computer : "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire : The World Premiere".
I know it may sound childish, and I still don't know why I cried at this moment, because I was resigned to the fact that I wasn't allowed to go to London... well I guess I wasn't so resigned than that.

Lately, I've had an irreprescible urge to write. But I didn't know what I could write about, so I didn't do it. Instead I focused on making designs on Photoshop. But the urge is still there, and I guess that's why I'm here tonight instead of sleeping. I've got something on my mind that's been bothering me for some days now. I can place a feeling on it, though I'm not sure why I feel it...Well, not really. In fact I exactly know what it's all about...it's just that I don't want to write it down, in fear to make it real to the eyes of the world. To my eyes, too. For the moment, it's easy to deny it because it's only a thought, and it can't hurt anyone. But once it has been written down...Force knows it can hurt more than it was intended to. For I perfectly know that many of my thoughts haven't the same meaning once they are words. That's why I still keep this one for me...Perharps I can get not to remember it...and no one will be hurt.

Make a Wish

Girlz just wanna have fun ! [05 Nov 2005|02:12am]
[ mood | creative ]

Musicalement :

1. Quel instrument aimerais-tu être?
A piano, without hesitation.

2. Et lequel aimerais-tu apprendre?
Piano too. Piano rulz my life :p

3. Quelle est la chanson de ta vie?
Er...Eyes on Me by Faye Wong used to move me soo much ! I love When I Look In Your Eyes by Diana Krall, too. Luv' the lyrics in fact, for me it's the perfect love song. But Come What May definitely reflects many aspects of my personnality. Well anyway my love for Ewan McGregor at least XD

4. Une musique ( = sans paroles) qui te trouble?
"The Sixth Station" ("Le Sixième Arrêt") by Joe Hisaishi, for the movie "Spirited Away". Once I was walking in the street with this track on my MP3 player, and suddenly I broke into tears, I didn't even know why. The same thing with "Weather Storm" by Craig Armstrong, piano version. (yeah Tomoyo, Craig Armstrong rulz !)

5. Une chanson qui te rend triste?
Well I must say that there are more instrumental songs than lyrical songs that can move me. But if I'd pick one, it would be "Crucify My Love" by X Japan.

6. Une chanson qui te colle la pêche?
Huhu, without hesitation, "I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt" by Right Said Fred !

7. Un groupe du matin?
Iggy Pop & The Stooges...Razorlight...Bloc Party...rock rulz anyway !

8. Un groupe du soir?
First thing that came to my mind, don't even ask why : Massive Attack.

Ça se lit :

1. Un livre qui a changé la vision que tu avais sur certaines choses?
Well it must seems quite er... misplaced but I admit : Hell by Lolita Pille

2. Un auteur philosophique?
Hum perharps Pascal...or Nietzche. No idea.

3. Le personnage de bande dessinée qui te ressemble le plus?
Hum don't read comics either. 'Can't really think of one.

4. Et ton père en BD, c'est qui?
Perharps a mix between "Bidochon" and "Batman". Yes, that must exist :p

5. Et ta mère tant qu'à faire?
Er...I was thinking of Gaston Lagaf's girlfriend, don't remember her name.

Mais encore ?

1. Quel est le sentiment qui te rend dingue?
Intolerance. Yep, definitely.

2. Une description de la personne qui t'attire en ce moment?
I'm too shameful to tell. My boyfriend doesn't attract me, as I'm already and hopelessly in love with him. So he doesn't attract me, he has me already. :p Well, of course, Ewan McGregor doesn't count in this one XD

3. Une description de la dernière personne appréciable que tu aies rencontré?
Aww, it has been such a long time since I last saw a friend of mine ! It was so cool, he's still so damn funny, and gentle, I've missed him so much !

4. Une petite description d'une personne insupportable?
Err...

5. Un métier qui te dit bien?
Interior designer ! Or writer would be perfect. Computer graphics expert perharps (infographiste).

6. Ton mariage (si ca devait se faire), tu l'imagines comment?
Something quite small...a beautiful dress, my best friends and family, a great party, and a dance with my husband on "Come What May"...Naah, skip the "Come What May" bit, you're gonna think I'm definitely nuts XD

7. Et ta maison?
Lot of glass and light, very modern, pop-art everywhere, and photos in B&W of celebrities (guess who ? XD) and movies. Mix of steel and wood...Oh, and a japanese garden !

8. Un animal de compagnie?
A little kitten...white, with a lot of fur u_u

9. Combien de gosses? Comment les imagines-tu? Et quels prénoms leur donnerais tu?
Two. A girl (Anya f'course or perharps Jade, something very sweet to pronounce...or very weird like Nemesis or Gaia) and a boy (well you're gonna beat me if I say something like Daniel, or - no, not Ewan XD... in fact I was thinking of Lucas or Matthieu)

10. Fais toi plaisir toi aussi, et choisis quelques victimes pour ce test absolument pourrave :
Hey, if you read this, Emma, you have to do this, I'm sure it will cheer you up a little ^^ If not well, feel free to do it, it's very relaxing ^^

Quizz stolen to Tomoyo, thanks to her I've filled my boredom at 02.51 AM ! XD

Make a Wish

[14 Sep 2005|03:01pm]
[ mood | calm ]

I miss him.

I miss my friends too. Hopefully I'll see them later this week, but it seems to be a long way until saturday ! Well anyway, nothing to complain about, same day, same program...A little - very - boring, but it's better than nothing. Lately, I've been interested in finding all the films with Ewan McGregor I could. Now I have "Trainspotting", "Moulin Rouge !", "Star Wars Ep.I", "Big Fish", "Down With Love", "Emma", "The Pillow Book" and I bought "Young Adam" yesterday. Very strange film by the way, but I quite liked it. There wasn't a very complex story to follow, but the characters were fascinating. They all seemed to be haunted by a sort of ghost, it was very sad and quite frightening at the same time. Ewan was particularly astounding as Joe, the associal pervert murderer. In fact, he hadn't much things to say, but we could read so many things in his eyes, it was very disturbing...Another role for which he fitted perfectly. I think the more films with him I watch, the more I admire this actor. I mean, he's so fascinating ! I love the way he acts, his smile, his Scottish accent, his voice, his presence well, and so many things I could follow on and on forever.



I know it's just some ramblings, and it's the second time I post to say nothing, mainly about Ewan...I guess I just miss someone I could talk freely to...

Make a Wish

Victim of a foolish heart [29 Aug 2005|02:00am]
[ mood | morose ]

I like listening to piano music...Craig Armstrong's piano, exactly. Because when I'm sad it helps me putting words on things I have on my mind that can't go out without having me crying. I'd like to have someone by my side at this moment. I need someone I can talk to. I can't take anymore my parents' arguments and I miss my friends so much. I miss laughing for nothing, not caring about anything. I'm...tired of always playing the all-grown mature girl with responsability. I know I'm still a child somewhere and I'd like to enjoy the most beautiful part of my life, even if I know the time of innocence has gone since a long time. But I'd like to keep the illusion just a little more...

I miss being me, simply me. It's tiring being someone else, even if you know this someone else is more loved than yourself.

I miss crying because it shows my weakness and so my real personnality. I'd like to see my best friend, he's totally depressed lately and it's worrying me to no point. I miss...him, to, even if I yelled at him five minutes ago. I guess it's because he's the only person left I can be myself with. And the pression suddenly explodes and then, well...I feel so miserable for getting angry at him.

Make a Wish

Lonely, lonely [15 Jul 2005|07:01pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

I think I've never felt so lonely. It's not the kind of loneliness like you're seeing no one, talking to no one and all, but this kind where you feel alone even when the place is crowded around you. And it's like you're screaming and screaming your helplessness but no one's hearing you. And that's worse than any average feeling of loneliness.
Some time ago I'd have fallen into depression, enclosing myself into a world of mine, not bearing the real one anymore. But today I've realised that my reaction changed. I keep smiling, singing, living, laughing, and no one notice my despair. But only because I'd have wanted them not to notice, not because I've tried to tell them and they didn't hear a damn thing. Now, I'm in control.

So even if I pretend being part of the 'real' life, I don't know if I'm still anymore. Everyday I have this growing impression that it's less and less myself that's living in this body. It's more as if it was just an act and that's my part was taking more and more control over the real me...I don't know how to express it in a more appropriate way...Still, lately I can't help feeling completely empty despite everything I'm involved in. I have the impression of being an outsider and watching someone who looks like me, talks and walks like me, interacting with my friends, lover and family, but who's not me...

Or perharps its another excuse, a masquarade to hide the fact that I don't want to acknowledge this growing hatred for my father. I don't want to think that it's really me who's hating my father. The real me can't do that, can he ? He can't feel this horrible burning anger each time we meet and part without a single word, can he ? Can he ?

1 Dream| Make a Wish

No es amor, es un obseción [08 Jul 2005|02:17am]
[ mood | tired ]

I think I'm on the edge of breaking down. I may seem strong, cheerful, lively and far from being depressed, but I start to think I am. I am the only person left with whom I can be myself. Honestly, take away my momentarly "passion" for Ewan McGregor, my job which takes 14h of my time daily and the few moments I offer myself to the cinema or shopping with my cousin, and you'll have nothing left. I talk no more to my father, easy I don't see him anymore. In the morning I go to work with my mother and he's already gone, in the evening he's already asleep when I come back. And I'm glad it works this way. He told mum and I he was going to leave the house, but I'm under the impression that before, he wants to be assured that my life's a living hell before leaving. And I'm currently hating myself for having such thoughts, for hating my father...

But most of all, I'm feeling very guilty for forsaking my boyfriend. We're both very busy with our lives, but he's making all the efforts he can so that we can see each other, and each time I decline his offer. I may sound completely distant to him and I know it hurts him in some way, but it's my own way for not suffering from his absence. I want him badly by my side especially in such moment, but I can't, so I'm resigned and "the show must go on". I put my feelings on the back of my mind, I have enough to cope with at the moment I think. My reasoning must sound inhuman, even to me, but it's quite a "self-protecting" reflex...

Until recently...well, I reckon I should start the story from the beginning. There's a young man who works at the same place as me (my grand-father's supermarket) and he's also my father's friend's son. So I knew him already, but this work allowed me to actually learn more about him and well, I don't lie by admitting that I quite appreciate him. Moreover, he's quite handsome and well, he's a nice guy, funny and caring... my cousin (5 years younger than me) told me tonight, while we were all dining that he kept looking at me, and I felt myself blushing at this idea...So, it would be very easy to yield, with the one I love far away from me, and this feeling of loneliness that's growing everyday a little more...But no of course, and I've just realised the strongness of this thought : I deeply and sincerely, unconditionally and madly love my boyfriend, and it is absolutely out of question of putting my feelings for him in doubt...But I can't keep myself from wondering why I need theses kind of things to realise that ? And the worst is that it's not the first time that I realise such a thing, it's like I'd constantly need something to remind it to me...!

Make a Wish

Ewan McGregor rules my life !!! [21 Jun 2005|03:04am]
[ mood | bouncy ]

Another layout already, as you can see. I quite liked the one with Hayden, especially the little Tart Vader, but I knew that I was more a Ewan fan than a Hayden one. Since I saw "Moulin Rouge !" I was completely mesmerized by his play as an actor, but also by his vocal performance that is beyond amazing and not to forget that he's simply gorgeous, with his clear blue eyes and his shining smile...! And then I also saw Brassed Off (Les Virtuoses) in class and it confirmed my thought about Ewan's real talent. I was really really happy to discover his presence in the Star Wars prequels, he really made a good team with Liam Neeson in The Phantom Menace as a young and energetic padawan. But I was eager to see him in a more mature role, a role in which he would be the center of any attention. And I got it the day I saw Big Fish. The story is quite wonderful, with Tim Burton directing it's not very surprising, but Ewan's very presence gives a special atmosphere about this film...I wouldn't be able to explain it in another way that he really gives life to the character he's playing, no matter how surreal this character seems.
Lately, with my Star Wars phase that doesn't seem to come to an end, I wanted to learn more about this actor, and I must admit that the more I learned about him, the more I got attached to him. He simply is a fascinating person by himself. Well the paradox is that he's incredibly simple, in spite of everything he's living. I mean, he is famous, known all around the world. He appeared in a saga that is adored and considered as a legend by millions of people, plays with the most famous actors and actresses of this century...And well, he's a very very attractive man, which helps a lot when you're making the cover of thousands of magazines. And in spite it all he's the total contrary of these "Hollywood Stars" that are making a fuss about anything. He cares very little about his image -sincerely, he's the first actor I see that curses so much while speaking - he just seems to consider all this as a game...! And well that's what makes him be all the more charming to me...He drinks, smokes, talks freely about sex, jokes a lot and easily about himself, well he doesn't seem to take himself seriously and that's what I admire most, I think. In this society of appearances, there are still some people who dare to be "true"...it's something I wish I would have the courage to do too...

Make a Wish

Somewhere I'm still dreaming [04 Jun 2005|05:04pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

The good thing about homework and exams is that you don't see time passing by. The bad thing about all this stuff is that you have no time for you. I'm wondering when was the last time I was able to spend a moment with Him without thinking about some work to do...seems to be a long time ago.

I'm feeling quite empty, paradoxically. I've got a lot of things to do, no time for me, but I'm feeling like...exhausted...No, just empty. It's like I have no need, no liking for doing anything even if I've got a lot of projects, no energy...I don't feel sad nor happy...Just a little tired...emotionnally tired perharps...tired of being strong in front of my father when he's still angry at me, in front of my mother who's overbooked with her worries at work, tired in front of myself too...tired of trying to persuade myself that I still have a chance to graduate to 2nd year and to tell myself that everything is going to be alright.

Tomorrow is shopping day, and I look forward to it. I've always lost myself in these type of things when I didn't feel good, because it made me think about less complicated and more beautiful things.

I think I'm gonna change this layout, it sucks...but LJ code is so difficult to manage ! ...We'll see.


[Edit] Here we are. Someting different, pretty and cheerful. Hayden Christensen, the actor who played Anakin Skywalker in the Star Wars Trilogy Prequels. And er...a Mister Potatoe with him, dressed like Darth Vader...Isn't it so cuuute ?? *giggle*

1 Dream| Make a Wish

And through it all... [20 May 2005|05:08am]
[ mood | drained ]

He still loves me. I can't believe he still can...! After everything I said to him last night, how the hell can he still feel something beside hatred and disgust for me ?!?!?

Everything started by a silly argument about the movie Star Wars Episode III - The Revenge Of The Sith and then it was out of control. I wouldn't even have remembered all the things that I've said if there hasn't been a record of the conversation. (very useful function of MSN, I must say) I was horrified by all these words...And the worst of all is that I can't say whether I wasn't meaning them when I wrote. I mean, they must come from somewhere, anywhere, but I must have thought them in some way. And that's what scares me most.

The other thing being that it's the second time that I've actually wanted to hurt him...Badly. And what if each time that I'm in such a state, I want to hurt him more and more ? Until when will he stand it ?
That's why I wanted it all to end. At this moment, I wasn't even sure of my feelings for him. Truly, how can you still love someone if you hurt him like that and without even spill a single tear on your horrors ? And worse, how can you take pleasure in seeing him suffer ? Imagining it was all because you "like" being "in control", in a way you wanted to be reassured, to know that all this story, these feelings weren't going to take control over you...I think...That's why I wanted to finish all this, once and for all. At the moment I really wanted it, because I didn't care anymore if I loved him or not. I wanted him to hate me, to really have loathe for me, to make the separation less difficult. Perharps or certainly he was going to suffer, but then it would be temporarly. But if we stayed together, I feared that I'd start again my crisis, and make him suffer a dozen times at least more than if we'd broken up. And there's the paradox, I love him enough to want him gone. For his own good...

God how I hate myself...

The day after I was dreading seeing him again, and I was relieved to see that he hadn't come to school...I didn't know if I could apologize yet or not. I'm too proud, and the worst, I'm proud of being too proud so I don't do anything against it. I think that I was completely resigned to be single again or I hadn't completely realised what was going on...The fact is that I was thinking...if I'd really realised what I had lost, I would have broken in tears or I don't know what, but nothing happened. So once again, does it show that I don't love him, or that I'm too thick not to realise quickly enough my mistakes ?!

So many questions...I don't deserve him, his love and everything that he does for me. And even now that he came toward me to apologize (you hear it ?! It's him who made the first step and even apologize !!), I can't help but having doubts. He said to me that this argument made him realise how much I counted for him. But me...it only made me ask myself more questions, for which I can't find any answer. Only one thing, perharps, it's how dearly I consider him in my heart...If not, how come that I can make me suffer like that ?

1 Dream| Make a Wish

Mixture of tears and smiles [14 May 2005|01:30am]
[ mood | blank ]

This week was tough, emotionnally speaking. But I survived, once more...

Sunday I wanted to break everything around me, myself, to start with. I even thought about breaking up with Him. Because I was so scared, and paradoxically because I loved him so much...I didn't want to hurt him and I don't know what I'm capable of in these moments, so I wanted to protect him from me, in a way. But in the other hand...Somewhere I can't help thinking that it was an excuse...that there was something else. I was mean and malicious, I wanted him to be irritated, to yell at me, just because I was telling myself I wanted to know this part of shadow there was in him. But now that I think about it...I think that I wanted to prove myself he wasn't so perfect than I thought...I'm feeling so stupid next to him each time, I wonder what's he's doing with me and he's so loving, caring, funny, tender and I'm such a crap...! So well I guess it was an egoistic way to reassure myself...

Monday we talked and cried, and I never felt so well after that. Everything was clear, I was reassured, I didn't fear anything anymore...The day before I was thinking I could hate him for loving me, because how could you love someone who loves something you hate, and in this case, this thing being yourself ?? But I realised that if he loved me that much, perharps he could teach me how to love myself...that if someone like him could like someone like me, then perharps there was something "loveable" about me...

Wednesday here I was, crying again, breaking down because of my parents. My parents who don't seem to be happy to see that their daughter had finally ceased being depressed. My parents who only see their own problems, about job, about their relationship that doesn't exist anymore even if they don't want to realize it. And so if they're not happy, they don't want me to be happy as well. They call me ungrateful, they say that I'm only thinking about hanging out with my "new friends", that I have a home so stay in and a family to talk with. But can you still call home and family somewhere and something that only inspires hatred, arguments and tears ? They say I shouldn't flee these difficulties, because I'm their only reason to fight their problems. But do they think that I asked for this ? This isn't my problem, why should I be included into it ? I didn't ask them to quarrel nor to ignore each other, why should I make any efforts to speak with them and try to restick what they broke ? I already did my best and it didn't work. Now I'm tired of it and I want to make my own life, so why don't they just let me free, if they love me as much as they say ?!?

Thursday, I fell asleep during class and my teacher told me "when we don't stand parties at night, we do not party" and I thought I was going to murder him. I felt my eyes burning and I thought I was going to cry again, but after the night I had I didn't have any tear left and what was the point in crying in front of all these people that I despised above all ? So I held back and breathed...breathed...

And I spent this night with him and it was the best thing that could have happened to cheer me up. He asked me again if I had thought of what he proposed to me, and I looked to the ceiling, here in this bed, in his arms, I remembered my parents' words, the tears that I shared because of them, and those that I shared with him, and I knew the answer would definitely be "yes"...

Make a Wish

Dear Merlin... [07 May 2005|04:22am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

He asked me to come to live with him...seriously...
At first I thought it was a joke, like each time he wants to scare me...but it wasn't...well the first time he said this to me, he said afterwards that it was a joke...but the day after he said that he was serious, he just got a little bit scared and retracted at the last minute. Yesterday he told me this again. And what came next was the most beautiful, touching, moving declaration I've ever heard.

"Come and stay with me...This time it's not a joke. I'm not asking you to come and live with me immediately, tomorrow, but just to think about it. Listen, I know it's a bit early, but I don't know...there will certainly be some arguments for nothing, moments when there will be nothing left to say, when we wouldn't want to speak to each other anymore...I don't promise you heaven...but I promise you that it will be worthy...I know what it represents in matter of engagement...and you know that I'm afraid above all of engagement...But I don't know, with you it's different...I have just the impression that you're "the one" and I don't want to lose the occasion...I know it's a little bit early to talk about it, but sometimes, you just simply "know"..."

Yes it's a little bit early...but in the other hand when I think about it -and trust me for having done it a lot lately- I can perfectly picture us together...I mean it's not a kind of teenager's fantasy, it's serious, even if we're still quite yound, we're not children anymore. I wonder if everything is always as perfect at the beginning of a relationship as it is for our's. Imagine that we're making a mistake ? Imagine that we've been too far in our fantasies, that we're exaggerating our feelings, like a sort of fairytale, a story "à l'eau de rose". What if everything falls apart and makes us realise we were mistaken ? What if...what if we weren't meant to be together ?
I mean, it's easy to see the marvellous part of all this. Wake up by his side, drink our coffees in the morning together, smile, even if we know we're already late for class. Have dinner together in front of a bad american movie and go to bed to finally fall asleep in his arms, not wanting to ever let go this feeling of pure bliss...
But beyond all this...I can't help but being scared. Everything's happening so quickly, so suddenly...It has not even been a month since the beginning of our relationship and today I still have difficulty realising what I'm living. I mean, I think I'm sort of dreaming all awake, all of this just can't be true...! It's so...surreal...!

And yet I ask for nothing beside believing in it...believing in us...

2 Dreams| Make a Wish

Come What May.... [29 Apr 2005|03:27pm]
[ mood | loved ]

It's been 3 weeks since the beginning of my relationship with him. I don't see how much time pass quickly, it's astounding and completely new to me. Now I can definitively say it, I'm in love with him. I love him. So much in fact, that I have the impression that my heart is going to explode. Yet everyday I find out I love him more than the previous day. And everyday I tell myself, it is impossible to love him more than I already does and yet, the day after, here I am, with this feeling growing inside myself...Sweet pain, painful sweetness...
I'm wondering how I did to live without him by my side...Each time we part, I feel this pang in my chest, and it hurts so much, how the hell did I survive before knowing him ?!?
Everyday, today and tomorrow, I want to give him the best of me, everything of me...Sounds pitiful...but I can't help...

Make a Wish

... [15 Apr 2005|11:37am]
[ mood | moody ]

I was just wondering...I visited some blogs, and they are all the same, talking about their pain, their difficulties in life, the fact that they are bored, the fear that they won't make anything of their life...
It's quite scaring isn't it ? So many young people, they haven't even finished their schooling and yet, they don't have any hope for the future. No dreams, no illusions, no projects...They are all aware that the society is cruel, that life is a gift but also a fight for everyday. And they don't wanna fight. Fight for what ? Fight for an ideal life, with a home, a family and a dog running in the garden ? Fight for success, money, travels, and countless sexual affairs ? But it doesn't exist anymore, you only see that in movies. Today, you have to deal with the family, and the countless sexual affairs during your travels, and it doesn't obviously mean that you'll have the money.

Everything today, is just a matter of power. You don't have power, so you don't have a proper social status, so you don't have money nor respect. You're nothing. You don't matter to the society. We are so many, how on earth could you make a difference ? And supposing you have power, does that mean you're happy ? Of course not. And yet, imagining you're happy, you have succeed in having a nice wife/husband, two children and dog with garden, but that you're a total anonymity to the eye of the world, could you say that you're life had not been meaningless ? Of course, you make the happiness of your family, but everyone, one day, dies, and so your family. And no one will remember you anymore. So my question is, knowing that, these young people, having been nourished with romantic and imposing ideas from movies and medias all along their childhood, how can they see a point in living ? If it's not for beeing recognized, not for becoming famous, what else can they do ?

Make a Wish

And then... [14 Apr 2005|08:00pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Everything changed. I don't know how the "I-actually-quite-enjoy-going-to-school" stuff developed into "I-love-going-to-school-coz'-I'll-see-my-Bfriend-there." Everything changed so quickly ! One day you'll be working on a very boring assigment about the laws in a company with a classmate, and the other, here you are, going out with him ! It's true that we knew each other since the beginning of the year, but I would have never, never thought of going out with him ! Life's weird sometimes, isn't it ?
Tomorrow will be a week since the beginning of our relationship, but I have the impression that it makes at least a month. Good impression or not ?
It's true that this week has been vacations, so we haven't seen each other except once. Perharps that's why time doesn't seem to pass quickly...I miss him so much.

I wonder how it happened...I was known for not wanting a relationship, I said that it was a freedom-killer, and everyone knew that Bridget Jones was somehow my guru. Even him knew it, and was afraid to be rejected because of that. So why did I yield ? Does it mean that I love him ?

Anyway, how do you know that you love someone ? Is there any precise definition of Love ? Why do you have to engage yourself in a relationship to realise that it will be a failure ? Isn't there a way of knowing it before being hurt ? And if you daren't do it, how do you know that you have done the wrong choice that you'll regret for the rest of your life ?

He said to me not to worry about all this stuff, just to live the present instant without asking myself too many questions. I guess he's right after all, everything that I'll do is to spoil these precious moments with him. But somewhere, I know I just can't prevent myself from having doubts...

Make a Wish

A new beginning [04 Apr 2005|06:03pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

I have decided to convert this LJ into an english journal, after the failure of the RPG it was first destined to be.
I already have a french blog, but I wanted to write in english. I know I still make a lot of mistakes, but well, it's a good way to improve myself !
Moreover, it would be a good way to discover this great tool that is LJ. So many people use it around me, I wanted to try it too.

Anyway...
Nice day today, the sun shines (almost) and everything's alright. First day since the beginning of school term that I actually enjoy going to class. Don't know why, since the beginning, I've always hated these people, they are so hypocrites, laughing when they are altogether and despising everyone after. But well, somehow, I actually enjoyed being with some of them. There are a few who are fun to hang out with, just to spend the time between each class. It makes my everyday less tough, I think.

3 Dreams| Make a Wish

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