Lost Thoughts

Subject:	uh..
Time:	2:38 am.
Mood:	tired.
Music:	none.

ok...it's 2:39 in the morning and I have school. i'm SO gonna die in school. But, I just lost my dinner..which is a nice way of putting it. So..if my mom believes me, she might let me stay home. I doubt it, but hell..it's ok to hope. Anyway, i'm waiting for my bf to come online..and I guess we're just not meant to talk to each other in the morning. Each time i've waited, I leave to early, I come too late, and in this case..he's not on at all! It's just not meant to be. I'm tired, but I can't seem to sleep..it's evil to me. anyway..sorry I haven't updated in a long time.

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Subject:	My messed up life as a 12 yr. old..-.-;
Time:	7:03 pm.
Mood:	distressed.
Music:	none.

Ok..I don't know how to explain this more..-.-; but if you know me, you know how jacked up everything has been going on. and it all happened..WHILE I'M 12!! -.-; Gods..I hope things get better as I go. So far, the only light of my life is Gohan-chan..my escape from reality?..that would be my friends and roleplaying. Though..it's as if horrible news has found it's way while I was at my friend's house. Well, for starts..beginning thing that went bad when I was 12. My dad. Death. That's all I'll say and it hurts..after I was finally starting ot completely heal (thanks to Gohan-chan and some friends), My sister decides to move to a new apartment..and take her son with her. To make a long story short, she came to pick up my nephew..and that bastard of a father took him away. The bastard took my nephew to court..to get custody over him. When the hearing came, the bastard didn't show up. So..now my Nephew is missing. Also, he's 7..he;s been away from his mom, and the family (me, sisters, etc. ) for a month and was excited to get home. So...he's out there..crying his little eyes out, wanting to see his mommy..and the family. But no..the bastard took him away. Tell me..what more could go wrong? (don;t actually answer that..-.-; )

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Subject:	erm..
Time:	4:07 pm.
Mood:	worried.
Music:	Savage Garden: Carry On Dancing.

I'm worried that I'm annoying everyone with my depression...complaints...so, I'm gonna go silent...keep things to myself. you guys dun need to hear it. If i'm depressed..i'll act so you guys dun see me depressed.No matter what anyone says...it'm my..decision. I'm just a complaining..kid. So..no more annoying everyone anymore.

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Subject:	realization
Time:	11:41 pm.
Mood:	depressed.
Music:	Fushigi Yuugi: Nuriko ~ Perfect World.

I'm so pitiful. I was talking to Gohan-chan last night, and I was really depressed. Since he got depressed, I did my best at acting to be cheerful and got him happy again, or so it seemed. Since he was happy, I eventually grew happy and did not need to act any longer. I hate acting emotions in front of him but the only time I do is if it is needed. In fact, the only time I do act is if I'm trying to get him out of his depression.
After he left, I left as well, and I read a book. Finishing it, I went to look at my sick cat who was stuck in the laundry room. When I sat down on the floor and watched him, realization struck me. He may die. I though of how long I've had the cat, and I thought of how he won't live as long as I will. I know I'll eventually lose him. As I will with everyone else. One by one they'll go..Kels, Lilly, Lauren, Rose, Alex, Yoshi, Binks, and all my other friends. then I thought of the most agonizing thing of all. I could lose Gohan-chan. Y'know, I don't care if I die. So, I don't fear my own death..I fear being alone. I fear loosing those I love, as many do. So...as I thought this..sitting in the laundry room, holding my cat, I cried. I cried into his fur. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I cried for holding tears in for so long. I cried from fear, I cried from my horrible thoughts. I cried because of my dreams. I cried..till I fell asleep. And I don't think I can cry..for a long time now.

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Subject:	Depressed
Time:	1:07 am.
Mood:	scared.
Music:	none.

I was so depressed today. I didn't get to talk to Gohan-chan last ngiht cause the internet broke down. It broke down for all afternoon as well. I was worried It wouldn't be working by the time Gohan-chan came on. I sometimes have those needs whe i want to talkt o people, and I had the need to talk to Gohan-chan yesterday. Since I couldn't, i was torn. It's the only problem with 'needing' because most of the time, I don't get my needs. So I get torn a lot. Though today, I was tired, still am. The kid that's staying at my house,in my room, was a major nightmare today. He's so annoying..and..touchy feely. I kept hurting him everytime he'd even get his hand near me..from..earlier experiences. Although it hurt him..he enjoyed the pain..it really freaked me out sinc ei had no other way to get him away. Since his mother is sick, she doesn't give a damn what happens..so the kid is free to do as he likes. I almost broke his arm today..and that..I regret. It's the last thing I need to be happening around here. He's so weak though..and with a simple twist..I got him to almost scream. It was a creepily enjoyable sensation when i almost got him to that point..but I'm really scaring myself with this. I need to get away formt he kid, and I need my sister to stop complaining and take care of the nightmare since I have for two days. I'm going to let the kid off with a warning the next time he tries anything..and if he does after that warning..I most likely will loose it and break his arm. He's gotten on my bad side..and if the kid is lucky, he won't get me angry anymore. As i've said before..the last thing I need, is getting in trouble for breakign the kid's arm.

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Subject:	Kicked outta my room
Time:	6:53 pm.
Mood:	Pissed off, tired, and cold.
Music:	Nightmare Before Christmas~What's This?.

My mom kicked me out of my room..so her friend can stay there for a couple of days...and her friend's son was gonna stay with his sis..but something came up..so now he has to stay here..and we can't make much noise...so I can't take a shower ><..and I can't get my things from my room. and! My sis and I can't play this game we got cause it's mature...and it will scare the kid..-.-yeah...and we're renting it..for a week..and they're staying for a week..so..no playin' the game..-.-; Also..i'm wearing a wet bathingsuit...and I can't change..cause my cloths are in the room...so i'm cold..x.x I couldn't sleep well last night, so I was awake until after 4:30. My mom made me get up at 10:00 with the knowledge of me styaing up late..so I'm exhausted.

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Subject:	Customize, customize, customiiiiizzzzzeeee!
Time:	8:28 pm.
Mood:	ZING!.
Music:	Simspons Road Rage - Car Selection Music.

o.o Right now this isn't Sakura. this is her bro, Tsurabisu Buruchi. I'm just here customizing her LiVEJOURNAL, but she'll be here with you soon enough. till then you get to sit here and talk to meeee! >_> ain't it boren? -sigh- yes..yes it is. anyway, I'm gone now. this is just a test post, so yeah.

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Subject:	Jacked up Computer
Time:	3:20 pm.
Mood:	annoyed.
Music:	Nightmare Before Christmas~Making Christmas.

Eh..apparently my dad's computer isn't working..or rather..the keyboard. So my sister started messing with it to get it to work but it seems that since she messed with it, it messed up even more. She's really annoying me with her bitching, saying it's all my mom's fault..or some crap like that. So..since her friend is over, she starts bitching all these lies..and I'm trying to resist screaming 'shut the fuck up!' to her. She really needs to shut up and relax. Now the keyboard is working and she's saying she's a fucking genius. Bullshit. Now she's asking me all these things as if I know. Then when I suggest something, she snaps at me like I'm stupid...well..note to her. Then don't ask me!

Eh...Also, Michael started talking to me..I really don't care anymore..he's jacked up his life and I really just don't want to hear about it. I'm sure some of you feel the same about it. Well..I hope ths day goes well from here on out.

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Subject:	>.> A quizzeh! ^^
Time:	6:56 pm.
Mood:	cheerful.
Music:	Final Fantasy 8: Man with Another Trance Machine OC ReMix.

I hope this dun repeat either..-.-; cause LJ went funkeh on me..but nyway! i'm a calm soul ^^ yay. Erm...if you see this..tell me if you think this is me or not..o.o i'd like to know how right they are. (if at all)

( <IMG alt=calm src= )

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Subject:	It's now mee ^^ (saku) er..other words..memories
Time:	6:43 pm.
Mood:	cheerful.
Music:	Trigun ~ Sound Life.

Well! Thanks to Bro, i'm now using LJ. So..thank you sooooo much, bro! ^.^ Anyhoo, I've just gotten off the phone with Gohan-chan. So i'm pretty happy..^^; Though...I suck when i'm on the phone so I didn't say much on the phone at all. Damn me and me lack of use on the phone >< If that makes any sense..However! I got pissed off when these people who came to my door, started asking if we wante d to convert our beliefs to god. Um..let me think....NO! If I wanted to, I would have done so without the help of these people who have nothing better to do with their lives except go to your door and annoy the hell outta you. -.-; Now that I'm done with that..I think I'm ok now..o.O

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