| So much for getting it together. |
[Jan. 17th, 2008|07:49 am] |
The other night Bobby and I had the worst fight we've ever had. We said a lot of really mean things..... most of which we should have never let happen. I take full responsibility for my actions and apologized for them. And nothing good came out of that pointless night except for the fact that we were able to forgive eachother. Worst part about a relationship are the fights.
I'm really unhappy with myself this week. My pain is getting worse. Or maybe it's just becoming harder to handle. I think I'm honestly going to look for someone to talk to, a counselor. Or a therapist because it's getting to the point where I can't control myself anymore. I'm saying and doing things I don't want to do because of the pain and I need to vent somewhere else rather than take it out on those who don't deserve it. I'm not an idiot, I know what I'm doing but it's getting harder to handle. It's been two years with no ending in sight. What I would do to be a normal person again....
I'm fucking up in school already. I thought I would do well, I told myself I would. Maybe it's because it's the first quarter since winter break and it's hard to get back into a routine. But I missed two classes already. One because I couldn't get out of bed and today because I fucked up and read the syllabus incorrectly. I pretty much suck for now. I'll get it together eventually.
I called my Grandma yesterday. Just a phone call makes me happy for the week. I talked to her for an hour, mostly about pain, medications, things to do, doctors, my aunt that passed away, my uncle that is remarried but misses her to this day, my great grandma who's slowly fading away from us, and other things that she's already told me but I responded like she's never told me before. I love her. She's pretty awesome.
As for myself, I don't want to act the way I do anymore... I want to be a better person. I just want to be a lot nicer than I am. I'm tired of draining and dragging everything to the ground. Habits need to be killed. |
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| Another Day. |
[Jan. 15th, 2008|04:08 pm] |
Last night was hell. The pain was horrible. I cried myself to sleep at 4am. I couldn't catch my breath and the only thing I could do was hate my life for the moment. I woke up this morning at 5am ....crying. I literally couldn't get out of bed. So I called my teacher and told her my situation and luckily she understood. She has ruematoid [sp?] artheritis and knows what pain is all about.
Living with chronic pain is a completely different world than the one everyone else lives in.
today is hell. :( |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 7th, 2008|08:55 am] |
It's still raining outside.. It's been raining forever.
I start school again today.
Creative Writing 1pm-5pm w/Merscak, good thing she's crazy. lol
At least I know what I'm in for since I just had her the quarter before the last for English.
She's a fire blower and crazy lady. hahaha. should be good.
Okay.
Im done.
Pointless. Short. Boring.
That's how I like these things.
not. |
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| 2007/2008 |
[Jan. 3rd, 2008|09:17 am] |
So it's a New Year and a reason to start off fresh. I made it through the year avoiding the people I no longer want in my life, but think of often. I know I'm a better person because of it. I've learned a lot and I plan on learning more this year. I want to work on not procrastinating. I know without it, I could do so much more with myself. I need to learn to not think about the past and move on. I'm in a better place now, I have everything going for me, and I'm happier now than I've ever been. Living with Bobby has been amazing. Everyone has their rough spots, but I can honestly say I'm lucky to have him in my life. I don't know any guy that tries or works harder than he does. Or anyone that has more love in their heart... than he does.
2007 was a great year.. minus the whole pain every minute of everyday, it was still great.
At times, I could lose my mind with this pain, but other times, I know I'll be a better person from it. I know how to handle it, and the thought of being in pain, doesn't scare me anymore.
As a kid, I would lay in my bed at night and think about awful things that could possibly happen. I was so afraid and I don't ever want to feel that way. I know that whatever happens, happens. There's no stopping anything.
I think I want more from myself this year more than anything. It's my turn to step up to the plate.
This year is going to be something entirely different and better. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 30th, 2007|10:12 am] |
Christmas was pretty amazing. It was drama-free and easy going. I was happy with all the presents I bought everyone and I was overwhelmed with my gifts.
After opening all of my presents from everyone, Bobby brought out the last two HUGE boxes he had for me. I opened it and there was the MAC I've been wanting for a year. I love love love him. I almost cried. hahah.
Tomorrow is New Year's Eve..... I don't plan on doing much.
We'll see.
I'm tired and it's almost 10:30am. I think I'm going back to bed with Bobby since he's sleeeeeeeeping.
Hope everyone had a good Christmas.
<3. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2007|11:15 pm] |
I saw Justin for the first time tonight in months and months and months.
It was good. He's one of those friends you'll always have, even when you don't see him for a year. It will still be the same when we do see eachother. Unless he decides to just go crazy out of the blue.
Either way, he's pretty awesome.
Bobby and I are so close that he knows exactly what to say to piss me off. He got me sooo heated tonight, I'm pretty much over it. I just can't take when someone takes the only positive people in your life and uses them as an excuse to make you mad. Not cool, not cool at all. Try me again fucker.
Whatever. I just want Christmas to come so I can be appreciative and loving the way i SHOULD be all year long. I'm always in such a great mood on Christmas and I want to show my family this year how much I care.
I'm not sure why, but I've been feeling really anxious lately. I'm paranoid about the medication I'm on... you just never know with medication if you should be taking it, or shouldn't. Especially when I know for a fact just because you go to Medical school, doesn't mean you know what the fuck you're talking about. ...On top of the fact that school in general is about 90% bullshitting your way through it because there's just no other way.
I need overanalyzing everything. I get all these thoughts in my head...
This morning I woke up bright and early to drive my mom around to do her errands. I was in a lot of pain and I tried talking to her about it. It didn't exactly go how I hoped it would, but then again, I don't know what I was expecting. I think I was just looking for some kind of comfort, some words of wisdom I haven't heard already, but at the end of the conversation, I think it just ended up her feeling bad and blaming herself that she didn't "force" me to go to the doctor. Not what I had intended whatsoever. The last thing I need is for my mom to be blaming my pain on herself. It just happenend, there's no turning back. I think I need to talk to someone..... there's no getting through this without saying it outloud. I feel like a ticking timebomb if I don't say how much I hurt once a day, even if it's to myself. It's pathetic really.
Hope is all that's left for tonight.... what else can you do?
On a better note...
CHRISTMAS is coming!
CHRISTMAS EVE is tomorrrrrow! :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 21st, 2007|07:52 am] |
I couldn't sleep last night. So I went through a ton of old pictures that I left here at my mom's house.
They were either from when I was a kid or when I was in highschool.
I started crying when I found one of my grandpa helping me catch a huge fish on a pier in Texas.
I hate that he's not here. But I like to think he's somewhere better than here.
I wish he was here for this Christmas. Because I've grown so much in the past year and I know he would be proud.
Maybe it's just the holidays, but I can't shake it... I really hate missing people. Knowing you can't see them is the worst.
I'm tearing up again. BLAH
Today I'm going back to San Diego for the night. I miss my place. And I have to pick up everyone's Christmas presents.
:(
I have to go take my Dad's blood sugar and blood pressure right now.
I want him to be healthy again.
Fuckk. why do things have to be so hard :( |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 20th, 2007|10:14 pm] |
I love being on the other side of the brick wall I have between Sarah and I.
I try not to let things get to my head, but some things and some people, will stick with you forever.
It's been almost two years since I've seen her, and she's a big part of my life.
Not in the way most people would see it. But a reason for me to do better for myself and no one else, without her as my bestfriend.
I'm glad I'm here and she's there.
Some things are just better that way... and there's no turning back. You'll only find yourself down on the ground, looking for the ladder you've already climbed.
This is happiness coming out of my mouth.
I'm proud of myself. The last thing anyone should do, is let someone else walk all over them. I've learned. I've grown. And I'm staying this way.
Tonight I baked cookies with Julie. And we laughed like we were five years old. The simplicity is the best thing I could ask for in a friendship.
I miss Bobby.. he's been sleeping since 10am this morning because of NIGHT SHIFTS.
I just came across the band Everybody Else on myspace...definately not my taste anymore, but it sure was Freshman year of highschool. I remember seeing the singer at showcase and how gorgeous he was... hahaha oh the memories. :)
I'm in love. with today. or my vacation perhaps? |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 18th, 2007|08:31 am] |
I can't wait for Christmas this year.
Every morning I wake up excited that it's closer. I don't know what it is.
I just want to give and make everyone happy.
I want to be more giving than ever. I want to help.
Something about being home for christmas makes me feel like a kid again.
I'm going to try and do things differently in 2008.
A lot different. I'm going to be a nicer person, I need to be before I lose everything I care about.
I need to not procrastinate.
And do things because I want to do them and not because I have to.
I want to be there more for people. And accept my position in life.
I want to feel the pain I have and be happy still.
I want to not blame this all on myself, and just let it be.
I feel refreshed. Like something has finally come over me.
Nice.nice. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 17th, 2007|10:13 am] |
Bobby's Christmas Party turned out to be better than I anticipated.
I had sooo much fun. It was kind of crazy. Being there made me feel old. Not old, but older than 19.
Being in a room full of people drinking, all proper, and 25 and older, made me feel different.
I don't know what it was.
I didn't get carded for anything. Which was odd. I was asked if I wanted wine with my dinner. hahaha
Bobby's boss kissed my ass the ENTIRE time.
I ended up winning the raffle and won myself a brand new TOMTOM. Navigation for my car is perfect, I always get lost. lol.
and then the company all played bowling because they had a bowling alley in the Fox Sports Grill. It was actually mini bowling and I kicked everyone's ass with a score of 174.
I then won a $50 dollar gift certificate to the movies.
They were all jealous and Bobby was so proud. HAHAHA
I loved it.
So I just got my grades for school:
Intro to Photography - B+
Grid Systems - A-
Digital Illustration - A-
Concept Design - B
Art History - B
Not bad at all. I'll do better next quarter and I'll work on my procrastination a lot more.
I'm happy with it.
Jules is coming over right now to watch Superbad. hahah.
Should be a good time.
I'm pretty tired. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 15th, 2007|10:16 am] |
HELL is finally over with. Finals week is just horrible.
Who says you have to bust your ass the last week of school to prove your grade?
Fuckers.
I figured out that my Photo teacher loves me, which is weird because I'm so sarcastic [in a good way] way with her andd I'm always making fun of her. But she managed to hug me three times before I left her class. hahah crazy girl.
Tonight is Bobby's Christmas party and then we're all going to the Improv in Irvine.
I still need to buy shoes and a cardigan or something so I'm not freezing. unless I just wear my peacoat. haha.
I spent time with Bobby's mom last night. Somehow marriage came into the conversation and I was making jokes that I'm never getting married, I think she took me seriously. Haha. Then she says "YOU HAVE TO GET MARRIED ONE DAY BECAUSE I WANT YOU AS MY DAUGHTER IN LAW" Even though she already calls me that. Errr.... I was a VERY nice Kenna last night.
Haha.
I think only because I'm done with school.
I feel bad for parents whose kids are tweakers and are fucked up people. random. but last night made me feel really bad for them.
FUCKKKKK
im happy. :)
My parents bought Bobby brand new tires for his truck because well, the medal was showing because they were so bald. so sad. he was trying to wait until friday when he gets paid, so they suprised him and got new ones yesterday.
I love them.
I think I should go shopping soon.
I love it :)
I love Christmas. And I love giving, but I feel guilty when I receive gifts.
Im weird. Or just polite. Or really giving.
Hahah. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 13th, 2007|12:35 am] |
So pretty much I suck.
I'm over school and the bullshit that goes into it.
I'm frustrated at whatever the fuck time it is because I can't cut a foam board to save my life.
Too bad this is due in the morning.
ALL fucking 6 .. 8x10 pictures... MOUNTED on individual perfectly cut foamboards.
im tired.
I was at school today from 7am-10:30pm
im tired.
i want to bitch. and no one's awake.
I cannot wait until tomorrow is over with.
jfkalklsdkjkdsj what the fuck was I thinking when I signed up for art school?
god knows.
anyway.
tomorrow is my LAST class for the quarter and then it will be over with.
my mom is sick again with her whole colon business.
it makes me fuckin depressed but I have no control over it.
I feel like I have no control period right now.
I miss Bobby and I wish he was here.
But no.
I'm being selfish.
This is a horrible entry.
I have absolutely nothing good to say. lol
But then again, I don't usually on lj.
pleaseeeeeee please please wake up early and on time tomorrow.
So i can cut those damn boards.
goodnight. and fuck school.
thank you. :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 10th, 2007|11:53 pm] |
So I'm a complete mess when Bobby's not around. He keeps me in check and level headed.
I stress out more easily. I get frustrated. and all I want is for him to be home.
I didn't even want to turn on the Christmas lights on the tree tonight because it was already making me sad that I'm staring at it alone. haha I'm pathetic.
Either way, Friday is finally his last day in Simi Valley.
I'm so exhausted -making me restless.
In the past 24 hours I've done three projects for school. A hand rendered concert poster, a catalog cover and spread, and a portrait for Digital Illustration.
I don't think I'll ever learn to not procrastinate.
I suck. At least I got that shit done. Being at school from 7am to 10pm blows.
NEVER AGAIN will I do that to myself.
Things to look forward to:
+ Vacation for 3 weeks. 3 mother fuckin weeks!
+ Bobby's Christmas party at the Fox Sports Grill at the Irvine Spectrum and then the Improv afterwards.
+ Sleep
+ More sleep...
+ Doing nothing
+ Being bored
+ sleeping
+ Christmas
+ New Years Eve
+ New Years
+ starting a new quarter after my NICE LONG BREAK
+ sleeping
ah it sounds so nice. only 3 more days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok im excited now.
im going to bed.
goodnight. |
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| ooooh the christmas season. and finals week :( boooo |
[Dec. 10th, 2007|07:42 am] |
This weekend was nice.
On Thursday I went shopping with Jeff and then we played some racing game on XBOX 360 for about 5 hours. hahaha. losers?
I got a new wallet for xmas from him.
Then I came home and spent time with Bobby who is "visiting" from Simi Valley right now.
It pisses me off that his boss told him it would only be one week, one turned into two, two turned into three, and three turned into four. bullshit i tell you.
We got most of our Christmas shopping done and then some.
We got his mom a digital picture frame which was the only thing she wanted.
My mom and dad a bunch of random shit that added up to that one picture frame.
Got my bro some sushi bandaids. hahahaha.
And god knows what else but our CHRISTMAS tree is fulllll of presents. :)
Speaking of which, I don't know how often to water it. hahahaha!
I should be getting ready for school. Class doesn't start until 1 but I HAVE to get my other projects for tomorrow done.
There's nothing like procrastinating the weekend before FINALS. stupid kenna.......
BLAH!!!
okay. i should go.
wow, nice informative entry |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 7th, 2007|12:57 pm] |
oooo oh im a bitch.
what the fuck else is new?
hahahahaha |
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| I feel sick |
[Dec. 5th, 2007|07:40 pm] |
I was scared tonight, I couldn't breathe. I had the same feeling I had when I was friends with Brad. Something I hoped I would never feel again. Keyword, I hoped. My stomach hurts. I don't know what to do anymore. That safe and secure place is gone for now. I don't know anymore. Why can't things just be easy?
It's hopeless. Or it seems to be right now.
Whatever............ what the fuck does it matter. It's not like I can change things. My past is my past and the present is exactly the same. So the future I assume will be the same also.
It's sickening. |
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| wow, thats all i have to say. |
[Dec. 4th, 2007|05:43 am] |
Gooooooood morning.
I'm only doing a pointless entry so I can stay awake this early.
Because I really want to lay back down in my warm bed and pass the fuck out.
I'm exhausted. I was laying in bed last night and realized next week is my last week. Haha.
Here comes the OH SHIT factor because I have soooooo much work to turn in. :(
sooo much.
blah.
anyways.
The thought of having shit to do makes me all bfsasfsklskljjf. haha. reality.
i at least got most of my project done for my morning tuesday class next week. At least that's one down.
I'm taking 17 credits next quarter. That's a lot damnit.. ......Actually that's quite crazy. Not that I'm not taking 17 right now, but the # kind of freaks me out because I know how many is considered "full time" so i guess it's extra full time? lol
I'm making no sense to myself right now.
All I think about Monday-Thursday is school and nothing else.
It's horrible. And overbearing.
huh?
GOD DAMNIT I WANT SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
And to buy christmas presents. LOL
This weekend though, for sure.
My left arm is numb again so I guess this LAME ASS entry is ovaaaaaaa.
thank god.
or thank me at least :) |
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| crazy psycho mother in laws. |
[Dec. 3rd, 2007|08:15 am] |
Bobby's mom has seriously lost it. Her bitching has GOT TO STOP. I honestly have never heard anyone complain like she does. It's always about her, the world has to revolve around her, and if it doesn't, she'll make sure you're having a shitty time and feeling bad about it. I can't take it anymore. I need a break from her and hopefully I don't see her until Christmas, and even then, I'd rather not spend it over there. Don't get me wrong, she's done a lot for us, but she has got to stop this shit. It's getting at me, driving me nuts. And the whole problem is that "Bobby spends all his time with my family", which is not true. She's fucking crazy.
God damnit mother fucker. I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooo fucking irritated. I swear she WILL NOT ruin this christmas like she ruined thanksgiving. fuck. bipolar much? jesus.
I just need to calm down but she wants to run our lives and I won't have ANY OF IT.
Anyone else have to deal with love's parents? FUCK FUCK FUCK
blah.
on a good note.
This weekend was nice. hahah.
I have school at 1.
Not looking forward to it.
I worked A LOT on my project last night....... for Digital Illustration. I think it's turning out pretty good.
Blah.
School. = TWO MORE WEEKS. 8 days to be exact. and then it's time for ME time. MEEEEEEE time. What is that?
I better enjoy it :] because it won't last.
Nothing ever does.
I'm excited for Christmas this year.
My parents are coming down to San Diego next weekend and we're getting a Christmas tree for our apartment!
Yayyyyy!
Our first Christmas trreeee in our new place. Exciting. hahaha.
I have decorations from when I was growing up too that my mom gave me so at least I'll have some home comfort in there.
Bobbys still working in Simi valley. It was supposed to be 2 weeks, 2 turned into 3 and 3 will turn into 4. Lame. I miss him :(
Okay. RANT IS OVER. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 1st, 2007|09:09 am] |
I had the worst dreams last night, all night. There were these two guys chasing me, but first they were following me making me nervous because our box car broke down. Then they finally got ahold of me. How lame........
I need to do my homework................ |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 28th, 2007|05:51 am] |
Last night I had a moment of peace. I felt okay and calm about being in pain every second of everyday.
I felt like I had an understanding, a reason, and a way of seeing it in another perspective. I think it's here to keep my mind occupied because I'm easily distracted. But instead, it's the only negative thing that's allowed to run through my mind. And because of that, I won't allow anything else to bring me down. Not for long anyway. I'm trying.. and things could be so much worse than they are now. I fell asleep thinking about what I'd do if I were paralyzed. Maybe because this shit causes paralysis. :(
It's early. I'm not making much sense to myself.
Talking to Bobby this early is difficult. I can't keep up with him. Hahaha.
Crazy boy.
Art History today................... it's cool.
Although I wish we'd get into another era. Because the whole Frida Kahlo deal is getting old.
Her and Diego Rivera were just wrong, if anyone knows about that. And who knew she was a slut? HAHAH
Wow. I'm learning more than I anticipated, it's nice. My money is worth it, or should I say my debt.
Have a GOOD one! |
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