Title: Living is Easy with Eyes Closed (10/?)
Author:
_living_is_easy
Rating: R for material Content
Summary: After Lord of the Rings, nothing was the same. No one had that connection. No one called him. Dom felt lost and everything in his power told him to hang on, that things would be better. But as time grew on, Dom lost his hope and turned to other ways in dealing with this new depression. Nothing would ever be the same.
Disclaimer: I do not know/own Dominic Monaghan or Billy Boyd (How ever much I would like to). This story is fictional and for entertainment purposes only. Though some things could be based on fact, I have no proof whatsoever. Please enjoy and feedback is nice.
Warnings: Angst. If you do not like the whole idea of cutting, drinking, depression this isn’t for you. Even with a happy ending, the going gets tough.
Feedback: It fuels the fire, and anything is appreciated! There is always room to improve.
A/N: This was beta’d by yours truly. Any mistakes, are my own damn fault.
Previous Chapters: .:1:. .:2:. .:3:. .:4:. .:5:. .:6:. .:7:. .:8:. .:9:.
Billy blinked a couple times, more tears falling down his cheeks, his eyes never leaving Dom’s. A silence settled over them and Billy slowly shook his head. This, wasn’t what he knew… they had never had an uncomfortable silence. Ever. Dom must’ve felt the same, for Billy watched as tears spread through Dom’s eyes and started to roll from his cheeks.
“Bye.” Dom whispered his voice cracking as he pushed the door close and leaned against it. He inhaled sharply and let the sobs control him. His shoulder shook uncontrollably as he sat there, letting everything out, letting everything that was bothering him wash out of him. He couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t control anything, he couldn’t control himself. He was hurting the people he loved. He was hurting them all… hurting Billy.
“Why?” He whispered, in a strangled cry. He couldn’t see anything for his tears had now blinded him. Everything, he thought had already gone, had already fallen apart. But he had been wrong. Now, all the walls around him were starting to crumble and no matter what he did, what he said, what he tried to get for help, he knew, he would be buried in the ruins.
He moved away from the door, biting down on his lower lip as he fell backwards onto his bed. Turning over, he pulled a pillow to his chest and bit the corner. He was doing nothing for anyone… no one was gaining anything with him being here, no one was suffering either. He was not gaining anything anymore… fucking around here for the hell of it, wasn’t worth it anymore. He needed to free everyone that was now ‘watching’ over him because they were put there to do so. He didn’t want to cause anyone anymore trouble or anymore pain. They all needed to be free.
Grabbing his journal he opened it, hands shaking from his sobs. “Fuck this.” He swore flinging the journal away from him and waiting to hear it slam against the closet door before he buried his head back into his pillow. “Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it.”
Billy jumped, gripping a shard of glass as he heard Dom yell and throw something at the wall. Swearing to himself he stood with the plate and threw the glass away. Dom didn’t want him here… maybe things had changed too much. He didn’t want Dom to feel like this and in the past couple days when he thought Dom was opening up, he had fucked Dom over. He had fucked them all over. Standing at the sink, he wiped his eyes free of his tears and tried to compose himself. He couldn’t put Dom through anymore. Dom didn’t need him… Dom needed his Pippin and Billy apparently, couldn’t be that anymore.
Pulling the glass slowly from his palm he winced as a warm sensation that was flowing from his palm. Turning on the water, he let the cold cool his hand. Reaching for a towel, he squeezed it in his palm hoping that would add enough pressure. Wiping the counter slowly he stared at it. When did things change? There had to have been a turning point… it wasn’t always like this. It was never even close to this. Dom had been upset Lord of the Rings was ending… they all were, but Billy made him stop beating on himself. Billy made him a promise, that none of them would ever forget each other.
But where were they? Gripping the counter more tears followed the trails down his cheeks. Orlando wasn’t here anymore… the last time he talked to Orli was nearly 8 months ago, over email! It wasn’t his fault… he was sucked into the world of being a ‘Young, hot bachelor’. If Orlando had the choice, he would probably want to be back here, the way things were before. Or would he? Everyone had gone off different ways, and none of them kept their promise. A call a month was nothing. He sunk down to the ground.
He tried. He had tried so hard to keep his promise to Dom. He tried to call him every night. He tried to get over in LA. He tried to get the ‘fellowship’ together again… but he failed. He lost sight of what he was doing… he left Dom alone. He broke his promise, like all the other promises. He would just keep doing it too… He had brought Dom down… He had held Dom in his arms and whispered in his ear that he would always, always be there no matter what happened. And where the fuck was he?! He hadn’t been there… and Dom had waited. Dom had waited so long until it almost killed him. He owed it to Dom to help save him. And to save him, he couldn’t be there anymore.
Picking himself off of the floor he placed the towel on the counter and went into the bathroom. Ignoring his wet cheeks, he found a first air kit and poured peroxide over his hand. Wincing, he tried not to shake, knowing that would make it worse. Maybe he should… he should have to feel some pain for what he did to Dom. Dom endured enough every day and it was his fault. Finding gauze, he wrapped it tightly, going around his thumb, and then tying it off underneath. He gathered some of his things that he had brought into the bathroom over the past couple of days, and pushed them to the bottom of his bag. He was relatively neat, and it didn’t take long for him to pack. He would be gone by the morning, and then Dom could finally begin to heal.
Dom lay, sprawled out across his bed, tears had finally ceased falling down his cheeks. Now, his face felt drained and cold, his eyes were kept open, and were hurting but he couldn’t close them. His head was pounding, but he couldn’t move. What was he doing? What was he going to do? Every thing had made sense a week ago, or at least enough sense to get by. Now, everything was crazy. Billy was here.. Billy wasn’t supposed to be here. Billy, wasn’t supposed to care. But for the past couple of days when Dom expected to be crying himself to sleep, Billy was there. Billy was there telling him, and showing him he wasn’t going to leave.
Billy had saved him… when he was supposed to go. He wasn’t supposed to be here now. He wasn’t supposed to be putting people through the hell he was going through. But now, Billy was out there crying and doing fuck knows what because he had to conjure up the worst thing he could. He didn’t even know if he meant anything anymore. Did he want Billy to go? Did he want to be saved? Did he still, want to die?
Slowly, he rolled onto his side and stared at the door. He had told Billy goodbye… did that mean Billy had left? Did Billy really leave already? Dom didn’t think Billy would actually leave… but then again, he hadn’t thought a lot of things. Everything now was different, everything now had changed and it was all because of him. He didn’t want change, he wanted everything to be the same, but that was impossible.
Everyone else was happy… Orlando could be seen in the magazines, or on TV with a broad smile on his face. He was supposedly working with Johnny Depp now! Elijah was doing movies, and spending time with his Mom and sister… Liv was getting married now… he had been sent an invitation for their wedding. He didn’t even bother to return it. She would be a beautiful bride though. Slowly he sat up to lean against the wall. Everyone had different things going on for them, but they were the same.
He was the only one who was truly different.
Billy pushed his bag to the door and stared at it for a couple minutes. He had to leave, it was the only way. He would call Elijah later and tell him not to come… just to call and see what Dom wanted him to do. He turned to look at Dom’s bedroom door. He should go say something… say anything. He shook his head and moved to lay down on the couch. There was nothing he could say. Pulling the blanket from the back of the couch he turned away from the door to face the couch.
“I’m sorry.” Dom whispered walking to the door and pushing it open slowly. He didn’t want to open his eyes to find an empty house. He didn’t really want Billy to leave. Looking out, everything in the living room was cleaned. Billy’s things weren’t around on the chair anymore and his bag wasn’t at the end of the couch. Closing the door he slunk down against it. Billy, had gone. He had made Billy leave.. Billy, thought he didn’t want him there anymore.
“I want my Pippin… I just want to be Merry again.” Dom whispered tears coming down his cheeks again. He didn’t think it was possible for him to cry anymore. Pushing open the bathroom door, he tripped into it and looked at himself in the mirror. “Fucking fuck up.” He whispered opening the cabinet up.
He wiped his tears away quickly as he grabbed the small blade hidden underneath a new tube of tooth paste. Soon, everything would be all right. He wouldn’t have to hurt any body anymore and he wouldn’t have to think about hurting anyone. He had hurt Billy for the last time.. he had made Billy leave and it wasn’t right for him to still be here with nothing paining him. The knowledge that he had made Billy cry, had made Billy upset, was not enough of a punishment. He needed to hurt more then Billy, because he was the one causing all the pain… for everyone.
The thought calmed him and he touched the blade to his skin. With a deep breath he smiled and closed his eyes as he pulled the blade across his arm. He was startled to hear he had cried out in pain. Pain. It had never hurt before like this.... ever. It had always calmed him, always made everything easier. He looked at the blood pooling across the cut collecting towards the bottom before it rolled down his arm and landed in the sink. 'It's a little deeper then usual...' He thought to himself convincing that it wasn’t a cry of pain but a cry of surprise. Placing the blade to his skin once more he trembled before dragging it across. "Shite!" he swore dropping the blade and grabbing his wrist. It had never hurt before.
Biting his lower lip held pressure onto the two cuts, making them sting as he pressed them together. "Fuck." He swore rocking forward. Breathing hard he looked up in the mirror. 'What the fuck are you doing Dom?" He asked himself. His face was pale, dark circles framed his normally bright blue, but now grey eyes. His hand was getting bloody and drops were falling into the sink. "What the fuck are you doing?" He said aloud as he grabbed a wash cloth to press to his wrist.
Sitting down on the edge of the bath tub, he held pressure to the cuts as best as he could. The towel soon turned red, and blood continued to soak into it, falling to the floor at his feet. He shouldn’t have done anything… he should’ve just gone to bed. He closed his eyes and squeezed harder, his hand becoming numb. He could feel his heart racing up and thoughts frantically spun through his mind.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. He didn’t want this to happen. When he cut, the pain and the release would wash over him, calming him like nothing else could. He wasn’t supposed to be sitting here crying in pain. It wasn’t supposed to hurt like this! He had no explanation of why it hurt.
Billy sighed loudly and turned back over on the couch. There was no way he was going to be able to sleep. He might as well just leave now… or at least call the airport so he could book his flight. Sitting up slowly he glanced at the door again. It was now cracked open and Billy started at it wondering if Dom was staring back at him. “Dommeh…” He whispered turning his head to the side slightly. He was replied with silence and no movement came from the other side of the door. Shaking his head he lay back down. He could call in the morning. A part of him wished Dom would run out of his room, crying just like he had the night before, and needing him to be there for him. He wanted to be there for him. He didn’t want to leave him, but he knew that wouldn’t happen. It was done, it was over, and all Dom needed was for Billy to leave.
“Billy.” Dom whispered hearing Billy’s voice from the living room. He hadn’t gone yet. Standing up from the tub, he swayed and had to sit down again. Blinking a couple times, he held his breath for a minute before trying to stand again. He knew what he had to do.
He opened the door and leaned against the frame. Everything was starting to go dim again… he wavered slightly but pressed on. He reached the side of the couch and crawled over to the side where Billy was laying. “Billy?" He whispered watching as Billy turned slowly to look at him. A confused look was on his face. “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean it.. I.. .I don’t…” Dom stopped and swallowed. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
“Dom.” Billy said sitting up and looking at Dom’s face. He slid down to sit next to him and reached out to take Dom’s cold cheek.
"Billy... I need help." Dom whispered, his voice stating to crack, as Billy turned to face him "I..." He started again but broke out into a strained sob as Billy wrapped his arms around Dom. "I'm sorry..." Dom cried into Billy's shoulder.
“Shh Dommeh…” Billy said pulling him close.
“No, I need you to help me.” Dom whispered holding out his arm to him. “I need… you to help me stop. I can’t… I can’t do.. I can’t do this anymore.” Dom said slumping down against his shoulder. “I don’t want to hurt anymore.”
"Shhh... I will take care of you." Billy whispered taking the cloth tying it correctly around his arm. Rocking Dom back and forth with him, he applied pressure to make the bleeding stop. "Everything is going to be alright."
Chapter Eleven
Author:
_living_is_easyRating: R for material Content
Summary: After Lord of the Rings, nothing was the same. No one had that connection. No one called him. Dom felt lost and everything in his power told him to hang on, that things would be better. But as time grew on, Dom lost his hope and turned to other ways in dealing with this new depression. Nothing would ever be the same.
Disclaimer: I do not know/own Dominic Monaghan or Billy Boyd (How ever much I would like to). This story is fictional and for entertainment purposes only. Though some things could be based on fact, I have no proof whatsoever. Please enjoy and feedback is nice.
Warnings: Angst. If you do not like the whole idea of cutting, drinking, depression this isn’t for you. Even with a happy ending, the going gets tough.
Feedback: It fuels the fire, and anything is appreciated! There is always room to improve.
A/N: This was beta’d by yours truly. Any mistakes, are my own damn fault.
Previous Chapters: .:1:. .:2:. .:3:. .:4:. .:5:. .:6:. .:7:. .:8:. .:9:.
Billy blinked a couple times, more tears falling down his cheeks, his eyes never leaving Dom’s. A silence settled over them and Billy slowly shook his head. This, wasn’t what he knew… they had never had an uncomfortable silence. Ever. Dom must’ve felt the same, for Billy watched as tears spread through Dom’s eyes and started to roll from his cheeks.
“Bye.” Dom whispered his voice cracking as he pushed the door close and leaned against it. He inhaled sharply and let the sobs control him. His shoulder shook uncontrollably as he sat there, letting everything out, letting everything that was bothering him wash out of him. He couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t control anything, he couldn’t control himself. He was hurting the people he loved. He was hurting them all… hurting Billy.
“Why?” He whispered, in a strangled cry. He couldn’t see anything for his tears had now blinded him. Everything, he thought had already gone, had already fallen apart. But he had been wrong. Now, all the walls around him were starting to crumble and no matter what he did, what he said, what he tried to get for help, he knew, he would be buried in the ruins.
He moved away from the door, biting down on his lower lip as he fell backwards onto his bed. Turning over, he pulled a pillow to his chest and bit the corner. He was doing nothing for anyone… no one was gaining anything with him being here, no one was suffering either. He was not gaining anything anymore… fucking around here for the hell of it, wasn’t worth it anymore. He needed to free everyone that was now ‘watching’ over him because they were put there to do so. He didn’t want to cause anyone anymore trouble or anymore pain. They all needed to be free.
Grabbing his journal he opened it, hands shaking from his sobs. “Fuck this.” He swore flinging the journal away from him and waiting to hear it slam against the closet door before he buried his head back into his pillow. “Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it.”
Billy jumped, gripping a shard of glass as he heard Dom yell and throw something at the wall. Swearing to himself he stood with the plate and threw the glass away. Dom didn’t want him here… maybe things had changed too much. He didn’t want Dom to feel like this and in the past couple days when he thought Dom was opening up, he had fucked Dom over. He had fucked them all over. Standing at the sink, he wiped his eyes free of his tears and tried to compose himself. He couldn’t put Dom through anymore. Dom didn’t need him… Dom needed his Pippin and Billy apparently, couldn’t be that anymore.
Pulling the glass slowly from his palm he winced as a warm sensation that was flowing from his palm. Turning on the water, he let the cold cool his hand. Reaching for a towel, he squeezed it in his palm hoping that would add enough pressure. Wiping the counter slowly he stared at it. When did things change? There had to have been a turning point… it wasn’t always like this. It was never even close to this. Dom had been upset Lord of the Rings was ending… they all were, but Billy made him stop beating on himself. Billy made him a promise, that none of them would ever forget each other.
But where were they? Gripping the counter more tears followed the trails down his cheeks. Orlando wasn’t here anymore… the last time he talked to Orli was nearly 8 months ago, over email! It wasn’t his fault… he was sucked into the world of being a ‘Young, hot bachelor’. If Orlando had the choice, he would probably want to be back here, the way things were before. Or would he? Everyone had gone off different ways, and none of them kept their promise. A call a month was nothing. He sunk down to the ground.
He tried. He had tried so hard to keep his promise to Dom. He tried to call him every night. He tried to get over in LA. He tried to get the ‘fellowship’ together again… but he failed. He lost sight of what he was doing… he left Dom alone. He broke his promise, like all the other promises. He would just keep doing it too… He had brought Dom down… He had held Dom in his arms and whispered in his ear that he would always, always be there no matter what happened. And where the fuck was he?! He hadn’t been there… and Dom had waited. Dom had waited so long until it almost killed him. He owed it to Dom to help save him. And to save him, he couldn’t be there anymore.
Picking himself off of the floor he placed the towel on the counter and went into the bathroom. Ignoring his wet cheeks, he found a first air kit and poured peroxide over his hand. Wincing, he tried not to shake, knowing that would make it worse. Maybe he should… he should have to feel some pain for what he did to Dom. Dom endured enough every day and it was his fault. Finding gauze, he wrapped it tightly, going around his thumb, and then tying it off underneath. He gathered some of his things that he had brought into the bathroom over the past couple of days, and pushed them to the bottom of his bag. He was relatively neat, and it didn’t take long for him to pack. He would be gone by the morning, and then Dom could finally begin to heal.
Dom lay, sprawled out across his bed, tears had finally ceased falling down his cheeks. Now, his face felt drained and cold, his eyes were kept open, and were hurting but he couldn’t close them. His head was pounding, but he couldn’t move. What was he doing? What was he going to do? Every thing had made sense a week ago, or at least enough sense to get by. Now, everything was crazy. Billy was here.. Billy wasn’t supposed to be here. Billy, wasn’t supposed to care. But for the past couple of days when Dom expected to be crying himself to sleep, Billy was there. Billy was there telling him, and showing him he wasn’t going to leave.
Billy had saved him… when he was supposed to go. He wasn’t supposed to be here now. He wasn’t supposed to be putting people through the hell he was going through. But now, Billy was out there crying and doing fuck knows what because he had to conjure up the worst thing he could. He didn’t even know if he meant anything anymore. Did he want Billy to go? Did he want to be saved? Did he still, want to die?
Slowly, he rolled onto his side and stared at the door. He had told Billy goodbye… did that mean Billy had left? Did Billy really leave already? Dom didn’t think Billy would actually leave… but then again, he hadn’t thought a lot of things. Everything now was different, everything now had changed and it was all because of him. He didn’t want change, he wanted everything to be the same, but that was impossible.
Everyone else was happy… Orlando could be seen in the magazines, or on TV with a broad smile on his face. He was supposedly working with Johnny Depp now! Elijah was doing movies, and spending time with his Mom and sister… Liv was getting married now… he had been sent an invitation for their wedding. He didn’t even bother to return it. She would be a beautiful bride though. Slowly he sat up to lean against the wall. Everyone had different things going on for them, but they were the same.
He was the only one who was truly different.
Billy pushed his bag to the door and stared at it for a couple minutes. He had to leave, it was the only way. He would call Elijah later and tell him not to come… just to call and see what Dom wanted him to do. He turned to look at Dom’s bedroom door. He should go say something… say anything. He shook his head and moved to lay down on the couch. There was nothing he could say. Pulling the blanket from the back of the couch he turned away from the door to face the couch.
“I’m sorry.” Dom whispered walking to the door and pushing it open slowly. He didn’t want to open his eyes to find an empty house. He didn’t really want Billy to leave. Looking out, everything in the living room was cleaned. Billy’s things weren’t around on the chair anymore and his bag wasn’t at the end of the couch. Closing the door he slunk down against it. Billy, had gone. He had made Billy leave.. Billy, thought he didn’t want him there anymore.
“I want my Pippin… I just want to be Merry again.” Dom whispered tears coming down his cheeks again. He didn’t think it was possible for him to cry anymore. Pushing open the bathroom door, he tripped into it and looked at himself in the mirror. “Fucking fuck up.” He whispered opening the cabinet up.
He wiped his tears away quickly as he grabbed the small blade hidden underneath a new tube of tooth paste. Soon, everything would be all right. He wouldn’t have to hurt any body anymore and he wouldn’t have to think about hurting anyone. He had hurt Billy for the last time.. he had made Billy leave and it wasn’t right for him to still be here with nothing paining him. The knowledge that he had made Billy cry, had made Billy upset, was not enough of a punishment. He needed to hurt more then Billy, because he was the one causing all the pain… for everyone.
The thought calmed him and he touched the blade to his skin. With a deep breath he smiled and closed his eyes as he pulled the blade across his arm. He was startled to hear he had cried out in pain. Pain. It had never hurt before like this.... ever. It had always calmed him, always made everything easier. He looked at the blood pooling across the cut collecting towards the bottom before it rolled down his arm and landed in the sink. 'It's a little deeper then usual...' He thought to himself convincing that it wasn’t a cry of pain but a cry of surprise. Placing the blade to his skin once more he trembled before dragging it across. "Shite!" he swore dropping the blade and grabbing his wrist. It had never hurt before.
Biting his lower lip held pressure onto the two cuts, making them sting as he pressed them together. "Fuck." He swore rocking forward. Breathing hard he looked up in the mirror. 'What the fuck are you doing Dom?" He asked himself. His face was pale, dark circles framed his normally bright blue, but now grey eyes. His hand was getting bloody and drops were falling into the sink. "What the fuck are you doing?" He said aloud as he grabbed a wash cloth to press to his wrist.
Sitting down on the edge of the bath tub, he held pressure to the cuts as best as he could. The towel soon turned red, and blood continued to soak into it, falling to the floor at his feet. He shouldn’t have done anything… he should’ve just gone to bed. He closed his eyes and squeezed harder, his hand becoming numb. He could feel his heart racing up and thoughts frantically spun through his mind.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. He didn’t want this to happen. When he cut, the pain and the release would wash over him, calming him like nothing else could. He wasn’t supposed to be sitting here crying in pain. It wasn’t supposed to hurt like this! He had no explanation of why it hurt.
Billy sighed loudly and turned back over on the couch. There was no way he was going to be able to sleep. He might as well just leave now… or at least call the airport so he could book his flight. Sitting up slowly he glanced at the door again. It was now cracked open and Billy started at it wondering if Dom was staring back at him. “Dommeh…” He whispered turning his head to the side slightly. He was replied with silence and no movement came from the other side of the door. Shaking his head he lay back down. He could call in the morning. A part of him wished Dom would run out of his room, crying just like he had the night before, and needing him to be there for him. He wanted to be there for him. He didn’t want to leave him, but he knew that wouldn’t happen. It was done, it was over, and all Dom needed was for Billy to leave.
“Billy.” Dom whispered hearing Billy’s voice from the living room. He hadn’t gone yet. Standing up from the tub, he swayed and had to sit down again. Blinking a couple times, he held his breath for a minute before trying to stand again. He knew what he had to do.
He opened the door and leaned against the frame. Everything was starting to go dim again… he wavered slightly but pressed on. He reached the side of the couch and crawled over to the side where Billy was laying. “Billy?" He whispered watching as Billy turned slowly to look at him. A confused look was on his face. “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean it.. I.. .I don’t…” Dom stopped and swallowed. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
“Dom.” Billy said sitting up and looking at Dom’s face. He slid down to sit next to him and reached out to take Dom’s cold cheek.
"Billy... I need help." Dom whispered, his voice stating to crack, as Billy turned to face him "I..." He started again but broke out into a strained sob as Billy wrapped his arms around Dom. "I'm sorry..." Dom cried into Billy's shoulder.
“Shh Dommeh…” Billy said pulling him close.
“No, I need you to help me.” Dom whispered holding out his arm to him. “I need… you to help me stop. I can’t… I can’t do.. I can’t do this anymore.” Dom said slumping down against his shoulder. “I don’t want to hurt anymore.”
"Shhh... I will take care of you." Billy whispered taking the cloth tying it correctly around his arm. Rocking Dom back and forth with him, he applied pressure to make the bleeding stop. "Everything is going to be alright."
Chapter Eleven
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