Title: Living is Easy with Eyes Closed (5/?)
Author:
_living_is_easy
Rating: R for material Content
Disclaimer: I do not know/own Dominic Monaghan or Billy Boyd (How ever much I would like to). This story is fictional and for entertainment purposes only. Though some things could be based on fact, I have no proof whatsoever. Please enjoy and feedback is nice.
Warnings: Angst. If you do not like the whole idea of cutting, drinking, depression this isn’t for you. Even with a happy ending, the going gets tough.
Feedback: It fuels the fire, and anything is appreciated! There is always room to improve.
Previous Chapters: .:1:. .:2:. .:3:. .:4:.
Dom sighed back into the pillows and looked up at the clock across from his bed. 8:30… He looked down at Billy, who was sleeping propped up on one arm, his hand enclosed Dom’s hand. He closed his eyes and tried to get some sleep. Sleep had been all he was able to do, until now. Billy had fallen asleep around 8 but for him, sleep would not come.
“Why Dom?” Billy asked, his eyes flashing to Dom’s arms and then back to Dom’s eyes.
“Many reasons…” Dom said quietly, looking into Billy’s eyes which seemed to be reading into his every action, every thought. He tore his eyes away and looked at a vase of flowers. “At that time… no one was there Billy. I didn’t know what to do, and I got angry at that. Then…” He stopped. He couldn’t tell Billy what he had written in his journal. It would break Billy’s heart, and Billy was the only one there now, and if Billy had known any of the things he was thinking…
Dom looked back at Billy who looked like he was expecting more. “I just wish… I could’ve been there for you.” Billy whispered looking down at the ground.
“Me too.” Dom said, his voice cracking. “Me too Bills.”
“Elwood came by earlier you know…” Billy said clearing his throat and smiling softly up at Dom.
“He did?” Dom asked, sitting up slowly. He hadn’t expected Elijah to come anywhere near where he was. Then again, he shouldn’t be surprised… Billy had probably called him. “You have him a ring right? So, what did he had to say about all of this?” Dom asked, trying not to sound as hostile as he was feeling.
“Yeah, I called him a couple days ago telling him I was coming out to see you. We were worried and I called him when the doctor told me that if you woke up, you would be just fine. I needed someone to talk to… I was scared Dom. So I called Elwood and he got a taxi.” Billy replied searching Dom’s gray eyes. He had absolutely no idea what Dom was thinking.
“Mmm.” Dom replied scowling softly at remembering Elijah lived in the same city. “That’s a little… funny. I have to get in the hospital for him to grab a cab.”
“He does care about you Dom, you know that.” Billy said then cautiously added, “And so do I.”
“Yeah.” Dom said sarcastically. “I can see.”
Billy moved to say something but stopped himself. He knew exactly what Dom was really thinking. He bit back tears and gripped the metal bar on the bed. Dom wouldn’t be too happy if he knew Billy had read his journal. There were so many things he wanted to say to Dom, so many apologies, and hell, even excuses. He didn’t know if anything would work, but he couldn’t try unless Dom brought something up.
“Sorry. I’m just tired.” Dom said looking away from Billy’s downcast eyes. “You can go back to my place if you want for the night… you can use my room, the living room is…” He stopped and shook his head. “You can sleep where ever.”
“I’m not leaving you Dom.” Billy replied quickly, staring intently at Dom. “I’m staying here.”
“The chair can’t be that comfortable.” Dom replied glaring at Billy. He wanted to be alone.
“It’s actually very soft.” Billy said smiling and sliding back into the chair. Dom made a noise and settled back into the pillows.
“Suit yourself.”
“Dom…” Billy said softly, reaching up for Dom’s hand. “I’m sorry everything happened the way it did… I really am.”
“Don’t worry.” Dom said looking at their hands. “I guess, we all go through is hmmm?” He said smiling and meeting Billy’s eyes. Billy looked down and Dom cursed at himself and rolled over.
‘No wonder no one called… all you do is upset them…’ he thought to himself. He lightly squeezed Billy’s hand and closed his eyes, praying he could get some sleep.
“I need to change your bandages.” A soft voice said, touching his forehead lightly and waking him out of his thoughts.
“Oh, alright.” Dom replied lifting his arm from under the covers and moving closer to the side she was on.
“I’ll try not to wake your friend there.” She said smiling and moving across Billy. Dom forced a laugh and looked over at Billy. He sighed. He didn’t know what he and Billy were right now. Billy was there for him yes, and he did love Billy, but Billy hadn’t been there. Every thing Dom had processed through his mind, not only in the last couple weeks, but the last couple months was not just going to go away because Billy said he was sorry. For all he knew, Billy could just be here for a publicity stunt.
“This might sting a little…” The nurse said removing the bandage and placing his arm on a towel. She got a bottle of peroxide and a bottle of something Dom didn’t recognize. Pouring the peroxide on his arm, Dom bit down on his lower lip, hard, and watched as the clear liquid rolled down arm, and into the gashes there. He felt the liquid seep into the wounds and then saw it bubble, trying to remove every bit of poison, every bit of darkness.
She poured the other solution, which washed away the burning of the peroxide and left his arm tingling. No matter how many times she could do this, he knew it would never do what it was supposed to. The darkness was hidden, and no amount of peroxide, pain killers, ointments, bandages, would ever rid him of it. They would never reach his heart.
He watched as she carefully twisted new gauze around his arm and then taped it up. “There we go.” She said smiling. “If everything goes well tonight, then we will be able to send you home tomorrow. You’re friend will have to sign a couple things and they are going to want to see how those heal.”
“Alright.” Dom said nodding and flipping his arm over again.
“I’ll get you some aspirin if you want any… We just have to control it.” He said reaching into he apron and taking out the bottle.
“Of course you do.” Dom said shaking his head at her. They all thought he was some suicidal lunatic. He snorted back a laugh and turned away from her.
“Alright then…” She said putting it back in her apron. “Try to get some sleep.” He heard something skid across the ground as she turned to walk away.
“Opps!” She said giggling slightly as she bent over to get a small book. “You must’ve dropped this…” She said bringing it over to him. Dom squinted at it, thinking it must be a book that Billy had brought with him, but once he took it he dropped it immediately again.
The worn leather cover, with random song lyrics carved into them, and the brass buckle keeping it shut, was something he had come to recognize very well. “My journal.” He whispered as she picked it up for him again. “T-thanks.” He said opening it quickly and flipping to the back pages. He looked down to see tear drop stains on the page. “Shit.” He whispered, not noticing the nurse backing away slowly, going to do more of her rounds but making sure he was okay.
Billy had read the entry. Dom re-read, his own words stinging him. He dodged the tear drops on the page and fought back the emotions that he had had running through him when he first wrote the entry. He looked up slowly at Billy sleeping figure. His head was dropped to the side, his mouth slightly open and chest rising and falling as he breathed.
“Fuck…” He whispered shaking his head and shutting the book. Now, he couldn’t hide any thoughts he had. Billy would know… Billy knew. He looked over the side of the bed at the nightstand and pulled open the drawer. He looked to Billy’s face making sure he hadn’t woken him, before he fished around for a pen.
He opened the book again and sighed as he began to write.
June 19th, sometime after 9.
I’m sitting in the hospital bed right now. I don’t know what to make out of everything that’s happened. I don’t know how I feel. Billy came… he called the ambulance and that’s why I am here and not there still, laying on the ground. I never expected Billy to come. When I was sitting there… I heard the door open but I couldn’t force myself to look. The pain blinded me… everything was going dim. But then there was light, there was a white light coming towards me. I felt arms around me. I felt safe.
I don’t know what exactly happened, but what I do know, is I had almost gone. I think it would’ve been better if I had. No one would be sitting here, worrying about me. No one would be wasting their time making sure I didn’t fuck up again. But for some reason, here I am. Hooked up to these machines with people coming in and out frequently making sure I don’t do anything ‘stupid’.
So where does this leave me? I don’t see any point. I see less point then I fucking did before. Last week, I slept, ate, drank. This week, what? I breathe. I sit. I do nothing. There really is nothing left. Once I get home, Billy will make sure I am ‘okay’ as he will say, and then he will leave. He will go back to Scotland or back to where ever the fuck he is filming that new movie. He will leave, again. And this time, it won’t just numb me.
I don’t want to pretend I’m alright… and I don’t want to just be like we used to. I don’t want to get close to Billy again because I’m scared. He saved me yes, and he was the only one that could, but if he leaves again… saving me would’ve been for nothing. I can’t go through it two times. I don’t even think I will make it through the first time. Right now, everything is so hard. Breathing is hard. Listening, thinking. My mind is running in circles around me, like it’s a fucking game.
Confusion has now settled over me
I’m lost inside my thoughts
I don’t know what to do
I don’t know what to say
Buried feelings rise from the grave
Things come haunting from the past
When you look at me what do you see?
Just a young man happy as can be?
You must not see the real me.
Inside i am screaming, crying,
Just trying to be free.
I hate having this feeling inside
Now I am always unsure
A spontaneous move that left me far behind
How can I know who to trust?
Can I even trust myself?
What are you thinking?
It must not be the same as me.
If it was you wouldn’t stand there like that
You’d try to help me
But you don’t know.
When you look at me what do you see?
Just a small boy happy as can be?
You must not see the real me.
Inside I am screaming, crying
Just trying to be free.
“Dom?” Billy yawned, stretching his arms out before wiping sleep from his eyes.
“Yeah.” Dom said softly, not even sure if he could be heard.
“Did you get any sleep?” Billy asked blinking a couple times to focus his eyes. He looked questioningly at Dom when he received no answer.
“Oh yeah, a bit.” Dom lied, slipping the journal under his back and dropping the pen in the side of the mattress.
“Christ, it’s just barely after 10.” Billy said looking at his watch. “I would’ve thought we would sleep the night away.”
“Nope.” Dom replied closing his eyes, now finding himself tired. Fucking ridiculous.
“I bet there are some movies down in the day lounge… want me to go and get one?” Billy asked reaching into his pocket for his wallet. “I can get coffee and some things to eat as well.”
“Yeah, if you want.” Dom replied nodding. “I’m not that hungry though.”
“Dom, you’re eating.” Billy said standing. “Something chocolate and something funny?”
“Sounds good.” Dom said sighing and watching as Billy left the room. He pulled the journal from under his back and placed it on the nightstand. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and rolled the IV with him into the bathroom. As he passed the mirror he stared at his face. “Fucking idiot.” He whispered pushing away from it and hurrying to take his piss. He didn’t want to be anywhere near mirrors at the moment.
“Dom?” Billy called as he came back into the room with the coffee, muffins, and a Simpson’s DVD.
“Here.” Dom said coming out of the bathroom and climbing back up into the bed. Billy smiled at him and placed the coffee and muffins on the table, pausing as his gaze fell on the journal. Clearing his throat, he moved to the television and fed the Simpson’s into the player.
“You can come up here.” Dom said moving over on the bed to allow Billy some room. He could see the gesture surprised Billy and hoped his face didn’t display how he was surprised as well.
“Thanks.” Billy laughed and got up next to Dom. “I remember watching this one on the set with you, so I know it makes you laugh.” Billy laughed again. Dom smiled back sadly, and grabbed the remote to press play.
“Yeah... it did.” He said softly.
Chapter Six
Author:
_living_is_easyRating: R for material Content
Disclaimer: I do not know/own Dominic Monaghan or Billy Boyd (How ever much I would like to). This story is fictional and for entertainment purposes only. Though some things could be based on fact, I have no proof whatsoever. Please enjoy and feedback is nice.
Warnings: Angst. If you do not like the whole idea of cutting, drinking, depression this isn’t for you. Even with a happy ending, the going gets tough.
Feedback: It fuels the fire, and anything is appreciated! There is always room to improve.
Previous Chapters: .:1:. .:2:. .:3:. .:4:.
Dom sighed back into the pillows and looked up at the clock across from his bed. 8:30… He looked down at Billy, who was sleeping propped up on one arm, his hand enclosed Dom’s hand. He closed his eyes and tried to get some sleep. Sleep had been all he was able to do, until now. Billy had fallen asleep around 8 but for him, sleep would not come.
“Why Dom?” Billy asked, his eyes flashing to Dom’s arms and then back to Dom’s eyes.
“Many reasons…” Dom said quietly, looking into Billy’s eyes which seemed to be reading into his every action, every thought. He tore his eyes away and looked at a vase of flowers. “At that time… no one was there Billy. I didn’t know what to do, and I got angry at that. Then…” He stopped. He couldn’t tell Billy what he had written in his journal. It would break Billy’s heart, and Billy was the only one there now, and if Billy had known any of the things he was thinking…
Dom looked back at Billy who looked like he was expecting more. “I just wish… I could’ve been there for you.” Billy whispered looking down at the ground.
“Me too.” Dom said, his voice cracking. “Me too Bills.”
“Elwood came by earlier you know…” Billy said clearing his throat and smiling softly up at Dom.
“He did?” Dom asked, sitting up slowly. He hadn’t expected Elijah to come anywhere near where he was. Then again, he shouldn’t be surprised… Billy had probably called him. “You have him a ring right? So, what did he had to say about all of this?” Dom asked, trying not to sound as hostile as he was feeling.
“Yeah, I called him a couple days ago telling him I was coming out to see you. We were worried and I called him when the doctor told me that if you woke up, you would be just fine. I needed someone to talk to… I was scared Dom. So I called Elwood and he got a taxi.” Billy replied searching Dom’s gray eyes. He had absolutely no idea what Dom was thinking.
“Mmm.” Dom replied scowling softly at remembering Elijah lived in the same city. “That’s a little… funny. I have to get in the hospital for him to grab a cab.”
“He does care about you Dom, you know that.” Billy said then cautiously added, “And so do I.”
“Yeah.” Dom said sarcastically. “I can see.”
Billy moved to say something but stopped himself. He knew exactly what Dom was really thinking. He bit back tears and gripped the metal bar on the bed. Dom wouldn’t be too happy if he knew Billy had read his journal. There were so many things he wanted to say to Dom, so many apologies, and hell, even excuses. He didn’t know if anything would work, but he couldn’t try unless Dom brought something up.
“Sorry. I’m just tired.” Dom said looking away from Billy’s downcast eyes. “You can go back to my place if you want for the night… you can use my room, the living room is…” He stopped and shook his head. “You can sleep where ever.”
“I’m not leaving you Dom.” Billy replied quickly, staring intently at Dom. “I’m staying here.”
“The chair can’t be that comfortable.” Dom replied glaring at Billy. He wanted to be alone.
“It’s actually very soft.” Billy said smiling and sliding back into the chair. Dom made a noise and settled back into the pillows.
“Suit yourself.”
“Dom…” Billy said softly, reaching up for Dom’s hand. “I’m sorry everything happened the way it did… I really am.”
“Don’t worry.” Dom said looking at their hands. “I guess, we all go through is hmmm?” He said smiling and meeting Billy’s eyes. Billy looked down and Dom cursed at himself and rolled over.
‘No wonder no one called… all you do is upset them…’ he thought to himself. He lightly squeezed Billy’s hand and closed his eyes, praying he could get some sleep.
“I need to change your bandages.” A soft voice said, touching his forehead lightly and waking him out of his thoughts.
“Oh, alright.” Dom replied lifting his arm from under the covers and moving closer to the side she was on.
“I’ll try not to wake your friend there.” She said smiling and moving across Billy. Dom forced a laugh and looked over at Billy. He sighed. He didn’t know what he and Billy were right now. Billy was there for him yes, and he did love Billy, but Billy hadn’t been there. Every thing Dom had processed through his mind, not only in the last couple weeks, but the last couple months was not just going to go away because Billy said he was sorry. For all he knew, Billy could just be here for a publicity stunt.
“This might sting a little…” The nurse said removing the bandage and placing his arm on a towel. She got a bottle of peroxide and a bottle of something Dom didn’t recognize. Pouring the peroxide on his arm, Dom bit down on his lower lip, hard, and watched as the clear liquid rolled down arm, and into the gashes there. He felt the liquid seep into the wounds and then saw it bubble, trying to remove every bit of poison, every bit of darkness.
She poured the other solution, which washed away the burning of the peroxide and left his arm tingling. No matter how many times she could do this, he knew it would never do what it was supposed to. The darkness was hidden, and no amount of peroxide, pain killers, ointments, bandages, would ever rid him of it. They would never reach his heart.
He watched as she carefully twisted new gauze around his arm and then taped it up. “There we go.” She said smiling. “If everything goes well tonight, then we will be able to send you home tomorrow. You’re friend will have to sign a couple things and they are going to want to see how those heal.”
“Alright.” Dom said nodding and flipping his arm over again.
“I’ll get you some aspirin if you want any… We just have to control it.” He said reaching into he apron and taking out the bottle.
“Of course you do.” Dom said shaking his head at her. They all thought he was some suicidal lunatic. He snorted back a laugh and turned away from her.
“Alright then…” She said putting it back in her apron. “Try to get some sleep.” He heard something skid across the ground as she turned to walk away.
“Opps!” She said giggling slightly as she bent over to get a small book. “You must’ve dropped this…” She said bringing it over to him. Dom squinted at it, thinking it must be a book that Billy had brought with him, but once he took it he dropped it immediately again.
The worn leather cover, with random song lyrics carved into them, and the brass buckle keeping it shut, was something he had come to recognize very well. “My journal.” He whispered as she picked it up for him again. “T-thanks.” He said opening it quickly and flipping to the back pages. He looked down to see tear drop stains on the page. “Shit.” He whispered, not noticing the nurse backing away slowly, going to do more of her rounds but making sure he was okay.
Billy had read the entry. Dom re-read, his own words stinging him. He dodged the tear drops on the page and fought back the emotions that he had had running through him when he first wrote the entry. He looked up slowly at Billy sleeping figure. His head was dropped to the side, his mouth slightly open and chest rising and falling as he breathed.
“Fuck…” He whispered shaking his head and shutting the book. Now, he couldn’t hide any thoughts he had. Billy would know… Billy knew. He looked over the side of the bed at the nightstand and pulled open the drawer. He looked to Billy’s face making sure he hadn’t woken him, before he fished around for a pen.
He opened the book again and sighed as he began to write.
June 19th, sometime after 9.
I’m sitting in the hospital bed right now. I don’t know what to make out of everything that’s happened. I don’t know how I feel. Billy came… he called the ambulance and that’s why I am here and not there still, laying on the ground. I never expected Billy to come. When I was sitting there… I heard the door open but I couldn’t force myself to look. The pain blinded me… everything was going dim. But then there was light, there was a white light coming towards me. I felt arms around me. I felt safe.
I don’t know what exactly happened, but what I do know, is I had almost gone. I think it would’ve been better if I had. No one would be sitting here, worrying about me. No one would be wasting their time making sure I didn’t fuck up again. But for some reason, here I am. Hooked up to these machines with people coming in and out frequently making sure I don’t do anything ‘stupid’.
So where does this leave me? I don’t see any point. I see less point then I fucking did before. Last week, I slept, ate, drank. This week, what? I breathe. I sit. I do nothing. There really is nothing left. Once I get home, Billy will make sure I am ‘okay’ as he will say, and then he will leave. He will go back to Scotland or back to where ever the fuck he is filming that new movie. He will leave, again. And this time, it won’t just numb me.
I don’t want to pretend I’m alright… and I don’t want to just be like we used to. I don’t want to get close to Billy again because I’m scared. He saved me yes, and he was the only one that could, but if he leaves again… saving me would’ve been for nothing. I can’t go through it two times. I don’t even think I will make it through the first time. Right now, everything is so hard. Breathing is hard. Listening, thinking. My mind is running in circles around me, like it’s a fucking game.
Confusion has now settled over me
I’m lost inside my thoughts
I don’t know what to do
I don’t know what to say
Buried feelings rise from the grave
Things come haunting from the past
When you look at me what do you see?
Just a young man happy as can be?
You must not see the real me.
Inside i am screaming, crying,
Just trying to be free.
I hate having this feeling inside
Now I am always unsure
A spontaneous move that left me far behind
How can I know who to trust?
Can I even trust myself?
What are you thinking?
It must not be the same as me.
If it was you wouldn’t stand there like that
You’d try to help me
But you don’t know.
When you look at me what do you see?
Just a small boy happy as can be?
You must not see the real me.
Inside I am screaming, crying
Just trying to be free.
“Dom?” Billy yawned, stretching his arms out before wiping sleep from his eyes.
“Yeah.” Dom said softly, not even sure if he could be heard.
“Did you get any sleep?” Billy asked blinking a couple times to focus his eyes. He looked questioningly at Dom when he received no answer.
“Oh yeah, a bit.” Dom lied, slipping the journal under his back and dropping the pen in the side of the mattress.
“Christ, it’s just barely after 10.” Billy said looking at his watch. “I would’ve thought we would sleep the night away.”
“Nope.” Dom replied closing his eyes, now finding himself tired. Fucking ridiculous.
“I bet there are some movies down in the day lounge… want me to go and get one?” Billy asked reaching into his pocket for his wallet. “I can get coffee and some things to eat as well.”
“Yeah, if you want.” Dom replied nodding. “I’m not that hungry though.”
“Dom, you’re eating.” Billy said standing. “Something chocolate and something funny?”
“Sounds good.” Dom said sighing and watching as Billy left the room. He pulled the journal from under his back and placed it on the nightstand. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and rolled the IV with him into the bathroom. As he passed the mirror he stared at his face. “Fucking idiot.” He whispered pushing away from it and hurrying to take his piss. He didn’t want to be anywhere near mirrors at the moment.
“Dom?” Billy called as he came back into the room with the coffee, muffins, and a Simpson’s DVD.
“Here.” Dom said coming out of the bathroom and climbing back up into the bed. Billy smiled at him and placed the coffee and muffins on the table, pausing as his gaze fell on the journal. Clearing his throat, he moved to the television and fed the Simpson’s into the player.
“You can come up here.” Dom said moving over on the bed to allow Billy some room. He could see the gesture surprised Billy and hoped his face didn’t display how he was surprised as well.
“Thanks.” Billy laughed and got up next to Dom. “I remember watching this one on the set with you, so I know it makes you laugh.” Billy laughed again. Dom smiled back sadly, and grabbed the remote to press play.
“Yeah... it did.” He said softly.
Chapter Six
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