Title: Living is Easy with Eyes Closed (2/?)
Author:
_living_is_easy
Rating: R for material content
Disclaimer: I do not know/own Dominic Monaghan or Billy Boyd (How ever much I would like to) This story is fictional and for entertainment purposes only. Though some things could be based on fact, I have no proof whatsoever. Please enjoy and feedback is nice.
Summary: After Lord of the Rings, nothing was the same. No one had that connection. No one called him. Dom felt lost and everything in his power told him to hang on, that things would be better. But as time grew on, Dom lost his hope and turned to other ways in dealing with this new depression. Nothing would ever be the same.
Warnings: Angst. If you do not like the whole idea of cutting, drinking, depression this isn’t for you. Even with a happy ending, the going get tough.
Feedback: It fuels the fire, and anything is appreciated!!
A/N: ~~~ is for the flash backs!
Previous Chapters: .:1:.
"Alright Dom, I don't know what is going on but I am worried about you! Call me back please Dommeh! I miss you!" Billy sighed through the speaker. "I don't know what I did Dommeh. But I am sorry! Please, just call me back. Pippin still needs his Merry. Love you Dom." Billy clicked his tongue before hanging up the phone completely. From inside the bathroom Dom looked at himself through blurred eyes in the mirror.
"What the fuck are you looking at?" He asked smearing the steam covered mirror across his face. Suddenly he didn't feel like going out anymore. When he had woken up that morning, everything had seemed good. Seemed alright again. Normal. After the shower and the call from Billy... everything was once again shite. Reaching down to the pile of clothes on the ground he pulled on the sweats and the T-shirt over his head and shuffled back to the living room.
June16th
Bills called again. Said he cared. Cared. That’s a laugh. Since when has he ever cared that we've been apart? After filming was over, when did he ever call me back? When did he ever make the plans? When did he ever put in a goddamn fucking effort? He didn't. Ever. And now he must realize that. Realize he's killed me. But he hasn't I won't give him that satisfaction. I am kicking around here still just so he knows I am alive. Just so that he knows, he did nothing to me. I don't care about him. He has no power.
No. Power.
Closing the book he crawled over to the television set and reached behind to pull out the Game Cube. Popping in a game, he crawled back to the couch and slumped against the side of the chair.
Start Game and Load Game flashed across the screen. Pulling the joy stick down to 'Load Game' he found the TV become fuzzy as the games all said Billy and Dom, Elijah and Dom, Dom Billy2, Merry and Pip, Hobbits, The wankers. Dom kicked at the machine hoping to push the reset button as he flung the controller away from him.
"No power Monaghan. No fucking power." He whispered as he stared down at his knees.
~~~
"I'm SUCH a better gamer then you!" Billy cried out as he fell to the ground by moving his controller and arms too far to the side.
"Better my fucking ass. You do know Billy that moving your hands with the control has no power at all over the person!" Elijah giggled madly taking another sip of his beer.
"Shut up, Don't tell him that! I win this way." Dom laughed focusing his attention back at the screen.
"Wanker." Billy whispered jumping back up to his seat beside Dom. "You know..." He said moving his head in the direction he wanted the character to go. "Pippin always needs his Merry." He paused the game and leant into Dom.
"Aw Bills. That's very swe-" Dom started as he wrapped an arm around Billy's shoulders.
"NOW!" Billy laughed as Elijah grabbed Dom's control and ran away into the kitchen.
"HEY!" Dom protested loudly as he started to laugh. "You bloody wank! No fair! Fucking cheater." Dom shoved Billy lightly as Billy's character killed Dom's.
"Only cause I know you are better. Shhh, Don't tell." Billy replied smiling and sticking out his tongue.
"Yeah, We all know that." Dom smiled and leaned back against the couch. "This is amazing you know. How all of us are still together. I mean, we lived so close for 18 months but never before, even with Hetty Investigates, did I get so close to the cast. I mean Orlando is fucking asleep in my bed!" Dom laughed looking over at Billy.
"We've got something special Dommeh. That's never gonna change. Remember that." Billy smiled squeezing Dom's leg.
"YOU LOST!" Elijah giggled and tripped over the cords. Billy raised his eyebrows at Dom.
"Never get a hobbit drunk." He said simply before bursting out laughing and gripping his sides right along with Dom himself.
~~~
He stared at the screen, leaving the controller lying on the ground at his feet. Every blow the green character took from the heavy set red one Dom felt it. Every punch, every kick, every whip, cut, and scratch started to be embedded in his skin. His arms were on fire as he bit his lower lip as the green character took the last blow. The screen turned black and white and red lettering flew across the screen flashing 'Game Over'. Dom looked down at arms to see they had started to bleed. Slowly he dragged his ring one last time across his forearm before he leaned to the side, hit the floor and the darkness of sleep came over him once more.
***
Opening his eyes slowly, he looked up at the ceiling fan above him, moving slowly in circles. It was so precise, always spun at the same speed and was consistent. Even if you moved up the speed, it would catch up, balance out. Shallow waves of air floated down to him, sending a shiver up his spine. The fan was so centered, knew its purpose, and could perform it exactly. Sitting up slowly, he looked down at his bloodied arms and shirt. Sighing angrily, he pulled himself up and dragged himself across the living room to the bathroom. Looking back at the fan still spinning in its circles, he lashed out at the switch and shut the fan off. The fan slowed and wobbled before stopping completely. ‘We all have our days.’ He thought shutting the door and moving to the sink.
Carefully, he washed the cuts with warm water and a wash cloth. The cuts weren’t too deep and he poured a capful of Peroxide over them. The small burning and bubbling now felt like nothing. He didn’t even know why he bothered. It just wasted time, though, it seemed he had all the time to waste. He looked at them again, dabbing briefly at the bleeding corners on a couple cuts. Tossing the wash cloth behind the sink faucet, he moved into his bedroom.
The bed was made and a thin layer of dust covered everything in the room. It had been a while since he had been in here. Looking down at his clothes, he realized he had been wearing the same clothes for almost two weeks. Frantically pulling them off he threw them into a pile on the floor. What was happening to him? He couldn’t remember anything that was happening. He hadn’t done anything. He hadn’t been anywhere. Day after day was the same. Crossing the room he pulled open the drawers and slowly ran his fingers over a folder pair of jeans. Pulling them out he unfolded them and held them against his body. Grabbing a clean under shirt and a button shirt from the closet he placed them on the bed. Catching his reflection in the mirror he slowly walked over to it.
He stared at his shoulder blades which now looked shrunken. His collar bone stuck out, and the bones from his shoulders moved down his torso. He lifted his fingers to his chest and felt the ridges of his ribs. He no longer carried a six pack; his arms looked skinny and too long, just like his legs. Meeting his own eyes, he saw the face he had been so shocked to see earlier that morning. Shallow cheek bones, lifeless eyes. He swallowed hard and backed away from the mirror. His eyes trailed down his body and back up again as he took in every detail. He winced as he realized how sick he actually looked. It almost appeared as if he hadn’t eaten in weeks! If he could remember correctly, he had eaten lunch at the beginning of the week and had snacked on crackers. Yeah… two bites of salad and half a roll of ritz…
His eyes darted to his arms. Thick white and pink marks were scattered along and close to 15 new, red slashes were on top of them. He turned away then and moved over to the bed. Pulling on the jeans, one leg at a time, they immediately fell to a resting position on his hips and still they were slipping. He pulled them up and buttoned them, finding they fell just the same. Giving up, he pulled the undershirt over his head. The fresh cotton material rested loosely against his torso and he pulled the button shirt over it. Carefully he pulled the sleeves down and buttoned the cuffs. Standing, looking down at his self he suddenly felt uncomfortable. The material rubbed against his body and was nothing like the sweats and over sized t-shirts and sweaters he had been wearing. He contemplated taking the clothing off and getting out more sweats but with another look into the mirror, he pulled himself out of the bed room.
He had to get his life in order. He had to take control. Walking into the kitchen he paused and looked around. Paper bags and twelve packs of beers were covering the counter and table. He pushed them aside, making the bags fall to the floor with the empty cartons but he still couldn’t find what he was looking for. Turning around again, he looked at the refrigerator and moved slowly to it. On top rested a worn wallet and a set of keys. Picking them up, he placed them in his pocket, then walked into the living room.
June 17th
I caught a catch of what I looked like this afternoon… it all makes sense why when I went to the store for more corona and some painkillers why the cashier was looking at me the way she was… I cannot understand how I got to be this way… I can’t even recognize who I am anymore. I don’t think I know who I am anymore. I feel alienated… different. But I don’t want to feel this way anymore. It has to change and I realize now, I am the only one who can do that. I can’t wait around for someone who is never going to care. I can’t wait around for the apology and then I can’t wait for it to all start over again.
He is never coming back. They are never coming back. I am never. Coming. Back. It’s time for a change… and I am going to make it happen. Life never was like this… and it doesn’t have to be, does it? I don’t need Billy. There is no such thing as a best friend anyways… Best friend is like everything else in this world, another competition to be number one on someone’s list. The way I see it… My list has gone away. I was written off of all theirs, and I know that’s apparent. I can’t keep telling myself this will all change.
It was all my fault… and if I wasn’t so stupid as to let things get this far… if I didn’t let everything happen they way it did… things would not be this way. I shouldn’t have yelled at Billy and I shouldn’t have told Elijah not to come. Orlando was busy, and there was nothing wrong with that but I had to go and destroy everything. Over something so stupid… But it did hurt. They didn’t want to come to spend time with me and I guess I should’ve seen then, they didn’t care. I shouldn’t have waited around the way I have for the past 4 months waiting. I am sick of waiting.
I am moving on. As I said before… Billy has no power. No one has power. I have the power.
Rereading what he wrote he sighed and placed the book on the table. This one object was supposed to be the only thing he could truly trust, the one thing that would never betray him. But he was lying to it… lying to himself. Shaking the thoughts from his head he stood and slowly walked around the couch. Life was all a big lie up until now, so why stop?
With one last look over his shoulder, Dom closed the door and walked down the steps until he stepped onto the street. It was as if another page in his journal was being turned. He took a deep breath and wandered down a side street until he reached the Thai food restaurant. Smiling softly he suddenly felt moisture behind his eyes. No. he told himself sternly. No power. Looking away from the restaurant, he blocked out the memories of when he and Billy had gone in the last time Billy was there with him. 7 months ago… Walking away quickly, his eyes fell on a small pizza place and he hurried inside and took a seat.
“Pepperoni and... anchovies please.” Dom said softly as a waitress came over to his table. Nodding as she wrote she walked away leaving him alone again. Looking around at the tables, he saw everyone was in groups from 2 to 4 people. Looking down he sighed and closed his eyes, not wanting to give into everything he was now feeling. It would all pass… eventually.
***
He walked up the steps, carrying the box of pizza carefully. He had sat there for 20 minutes but couldn’t eat anything once he got it. His mind was buzzing and the shirt felt like it was on fire against his skin. Why had he wanted to go out? Tossing the box in a garbage can in front of the apartment he struggled in his pocket to find his keys. Jamming them into the door, he rattled them, fighting within himself not to break down.
No one went out alone. As Dom sat there, it seemed everyone had someone with them. That hurt, but not as much as when four men came in laughing together. They looked like Elijah, Sean, Billy, and he had when they would go into a pub after some of the shoots. He felt his mouth go dry and everything around him seemed to freeze. Why hadn’t everything worked out? Now Dom was on the verge of crying out. All he wanted was one person. One fucking person to be there for him, to give a damn. The walls around him looked like they were closing in on him and as soon as the waitress came back, he asked for a box.
Slamming the door behind him, he sunk to the ground against it while pulling his legs up as tight against his body as he could. His fingernails were digging into his knees through the denim. He had to stay in control. His body started to shiver, and then shake more violently, making him let go of his legs. Jumping up from the ground, he almost ran into the kitchen. Opening up the silverware drawer he froze and looked down at the knife leaning against the side. Slowly, he ran his fingertips over it much like he did with the jeans earlier.
They have all the power.
Chapter Three
Author:
_living_is_easyRating: R for material content
Disclaimer: I do not know/own Dominic Monaghan or Billy Boyd (How ever much I would like to) This story is fictional and for entertainment purposes only. Though some things could be based on fact, I have no proof whatsoever. Please enjoy and feedback is nice.
Summary: After Lord of the Rings, nothing was the same. No one had that connection. No one called him. Dom felt lost and everything in his power told him to hang on, that things would be better. But as time grew on, Dom lost his hope and turned to other ways in dealing with this new depression. Nothing would ever be the same.
Warnings: Angst. If you do not like the whole idea of cutting, drinking, depression this isn’t for you. Even with a happy ending, the going get tough.
Feedback: It fuels the fire, and anything is appreciated!!
A/N: ~~~ is for the flash backs!
Previous Chapters: .:1:.
"Alright Dom, I don't know what is going on but I am worried about you! Call me back please Dommeh! I miss you!" Billy sighed through the speaker. "I don't know what I did Dommeh. But I am sorry! Please, just call me back. Pippin still needs his Merry. Love you Dom." Billy clicked his tongue before hanging up the phone completely. From inside the bathroom Dom looked at himself through blurred eyes in the mirror.
"What the fuck are you looking at?" He asked smearing the steam covered mirror across his face. Suddenly he didn't feel like going out anymore. When he had woken up that morning, everything had seemed good. Seemed alright again. Normal. After the shower and the call from Billy... everything was once again shite. Reaching down to the pile of clothes on the ground he pulled on the sweats and the T-shirt over his head and shuffled back to the living room.
June16th
Bills called again. Said he cared. Cared. That’s a laugh. Since when has he ever cared that we've been apart? After filming was over, when did he ever call me back? When did he ever make the plans? When did he ever put in a goddamn fucking effort? He didn't. Ever. And now he must realize that. Realize he's killed me. But he hasn't I won't give him that satisfaction. I am kicking around here still just so he knows I am alive. Just so that he knows, he did nothing to me. I don't care about him. He has no power.
No. Power.
Closing the book he crawled over to the television set and reached behind to pull out the Game Cube. Popping in a game, he crawled back to the couch and slumped against the side of the chair.
Start Game and Load Game flashed across the screen. Pulling the joy stick down to 'Load Game' he found the TV become fuzzy as the games all said Billy and Dom, Elijah and Dom, Dom Billy2, Merry and Pip, Hobbits, The wankers. Dom kicked at the machine hoping to push the reset button as he flung the controller away from him.
"No power Monaghan. No fucking power." He whispered as he stared down at his knees.
~~~
"I'm SUCH a better gamer then you!" Billy cried out as he fell to the ground by moving his controller and arms too far to the side.
"Better my fucking ass. You do know Billy that moving your hands with the control has no power at all over the person!" Elijah giggled madly taking another sip of his beer.
"Shut up, Don't tell him that! I win this way." Dom laughed focusing his attention back at the screen.
"Wanker." Billy whispered jumping back up to his seat beside Dom. "You know..." He said moving his head in the direction he wanted the character to go. "Pippin always needs his Merry." He paused the game and leant into Dom.
"Aw Bills. That's very swe-" Dom started as he wrapped an arm around Billy's shoulders.
"NOW!" Billy laughed as Elijah grabbed Dom's control and ran away into the kitchen.
"HEY!" Dom protested loudly as he started to laugh. "You bloody wank! No fair! Fucking cheater." Dom shoved Billy lightly as Billy's character killed Dom's.
"Only cause I know you are better. Shhh, Don't tell." Billy replied smiling and sticking out his tongue.
"Yeah, We all know that." Dom smiled and leaned back against the couch. "This is amazing you know. How all of us are still together. I mean, we lived so close for 18 months but never before, even with Hetty Investigates, did I get so close to the cast. I mean Orlando is fucking asleep in my bed!" Dom laughed looking over at Billy.
"We've got something special Dommeh. That's never gonna change. Remember that." Billy smiled squeezing Dom's leg.
"YOU LOST!" Elijah giggled and tripped over the cords. Billy raised his eyebrows at Dom.
"Never get a hobbit drunk." He said simply before bursting out laughing and gripping his sides right along with Dom himself.
~~~
He stared at the screen, leaving the controller lying on the ground at his feet. Every blow the green character took from the heavy set red one Dom felt it. Every punch, every kick, every whip, cut, and scratch started to be embedded in his skin. His arms were on fire as he bit his lower lip as the green character took the last blow. The screen turned black and white and red lettering flew across the screen flashing 'Game Over'. Dom looked down at arms to see they had started to bleed. Slowly he dragged his ring one last time across his forearm before he leaned to the side, hit the floor and the darkness of sleep came over him once more.
***
Opening his eyes slowly, he looked up at the ceiling fan above him, moving slowly in circles. It was so precise, always spun at the same speed and was consistent. Even if you moved up the speed, it would catch up, balance out. Shallow waves of air floated down to him, sending a shiver up his spine. The fan was so centered, knew its purpose, and could perform it exactly. Sitting up slowly, he looked down at his bloodied arms and shirt. Sighing angrily, he pulled himself up and dragged himself across the living room to the bathroom. Looking back at the fan still spinning in its circles, he lashed out at the switch and shut the fan off. The fan slowed and wobbled before stopping completely. ‘We all have our days.’ He thought shutting the door and moving to the sink.
Carefully, he washed the cuts with warm water and a wash cloth. The cuts weren’t too deep and he poured a capful of Peroxide over them. The small burning and bubbling now felt like nothing. He didn’t even know why he bothered. It just wasted time, though, it seemed he had all the time to waste. He looked at them again, dabbing briefly at the bleeding corners on a couple cuts. Tossing the wash cloth behind the sink faucet, he moved into his bedroom.
The bed was made and a thin layer of dust covered everything in the room. It had been a while since he had been in here. Looking down at his clothes, he realized he had been wearing the same clothes for almost two weeks. Frantically pulling them off he threw them into a pile on the floor. What was happening to him? He couldn’t remember anything that was happening. He hadn’t done anything. He hadn’t been anywhere. Day after day was the same. Crossing the room he pulled open the drawers and slowly ran his fingers over a folder pair of jeans. Pulling them out he unfolded them and held them against his body. Grabbing a clean under shirt and a button shirt from the closet he placed them on the bed. Catching his reflection in the mirror he slowly walked over to it.
He stared at his shoulder blades which now looked shrunken. His collar bone stuck out, and the bones from his shoulders moved down his torso. He lifted his fingers to his chest and felt the ridges of his ribs. He no longer carried a six pack; his arms looked skinny and too long, just like his legs. Meeting his own eyes, he saw the face he had been so shocked to see earlier that morning. Shallow cheek bones, lifeless eyes. He swallowed hard and backed away from the mirror. His eyes trailed down his body and back up again as he took in every detail. He winced as he realized how sick he actually looked. It almost appeared as if he hadn’t eaten in weeks! If he could remember correctly, he had eaten lunch at the beginning of the week and had snacked on crackers. Yeah… two bites of salad and half a roll of ritz…
His eyes darted to his arms. Thick white and pink marks were scattered along and close to 15 new, red slashes were on top of them. He turned away then and moved over to the bed. Pulling on the jeans, one leg at a time, they immediately fell to a resting position on his hips and still they were slipping. He pulled them up and buttoned them, finding they fell just the same. Giving up, he pulled the undershirt over his head. The fresh cotton material rested loosely against his torso and he pulled the button shirt over it. Carefully he pulled the sleeves down and buttoned the cuffs. Standing, looking down at his self he suddenly felt uncomfortable. The material rubbed against his body and was nothing like the sweats and over sized t-shirts and sweaters he had been wearing. He contemplated taking the clothing off and getting out more sweats but with another look into the mirror, he pulled himself out of the bed room.
He had to get his life in order. He had to take control. Walking into the kitchen he paused and looked around. Paper bags and twelve packs of beers were covering the counter and table. He pushed them aside, making the bags fall to the floor with the empty cartons but he still couldn’t find what he was looking for. Turning around again, he looked at the refrigerator and moved slowly to it. On top rested a worn wallet and a set of keys. Picking them up, he placed them in his pocket, then walked into the living room.
June 17th
I caught a catch of what I looked like this afternoon… it all makes sense why when I went to the store for more corona and some painkillers why the cashier was looking at me the way she was… I cannot understand how I got to be this way… I can’t even recognize who I am anymore. I don’t think I know who I am anymore. I feel alienated… different. But I don’t want to feel this way anymore. It has to change and I realize now, I am the only one who can do that. I can’t wait around for someone who is never going to care. I can’t wait around for the apology and then I can’t wait for it to all start over again.
He is never coming back. They are never coming back. I am never. Coming. Back. It’s time for a change… and I am going to make it happen. Life never was like this… and it doesn’t have to be, does it? I don’t need Billy. There is no such thing as a best friend anyways… Best friend is like everything else in this world, another competition to be number one on someone’s list. The way I see it… My list has gone away. I was written off of all theirs, and I know that’s apparent. I can’t keep telling myself this will all change.
It was all my fault… and if I wasn’t so stupid as to let things get this far… if I didn’t let everything happen they way it did… things would not be this way. I shouldn’t have yelled at Billy and I shouldn’t have told Elijah not to come. Orlando was busy, and there was nothing wrong with that but I had to go and destroy everything. Over something so stupid… But it did hurt. They didn’t want to come to spend time with me and I guess I should’ve seen then, they didn’t care. I shouldn’t have waited around the way I have for the past 4 months waiting. I am sick of waiting.
I am moving on. As I said before… Billy has no power. No one has power. I have the power.
Rereading what he wrote he sighed and placed the book on the table. This one object was supposed to be the only thing he could truly trust, the one thing that would never betray him. But he was lying to it… lying to himself. Shaking the thoughts from his head he stood and slowly walked around the couch. Life was all a big lie up until now, so why stop?
With one last look over his shoulder, Dom closed the door and walked down the steps until he stepped onto the street. It was as if another page in his journal was being turned. He took a deep breath and wandered down a side street until he reached the Thai food restaurant. Smiling softly he suddenly felt moisture behind his eyes. No. he told himself sternly. No power. Looking away from the restaurant, he blocked out the memories of when he and Billy had gone in the last time Billy was there with him. 7 months ago… Walking away quickly, his eyes fell on a small pizza place and he hurried inside and took a seat.
“Pepperoni and... anchovies please.” Dom said softly as a waitress came over to his table. Nodding as she wrote she walked away leaving him alone again. Looking around at the tables, he saw everyone was in groups from 2 to 4 people. Looking down he sighed and closed his eyes, not wanting to give into everything he was now feeling. It would all pass… eventually.
***
He walked up the steps, carrying the box of pizza carefully. He had sat there for 20 minutes but couldn’t eat anything once he got it. His mind was buzzing and the shirt felt like it was on fire against his skin. Why had he wanted to go out? Tossing the box in a garbage can in front of the apartment he struggled in his pocket to find his keys. Jamming them into the door, he rattled them, fighting within himself not to break down.
No one went out alone. As Dom sat there, it seemed everyone had someone with them. That hurt, but not as much as when four men came in laughing together. They looked like Elijah, Sean, Billy, and he had when they would go into a pub after some of the shoots. He felt his mouth go dry and everything around him seemed to freeze. Why hadn’t everything worked out? Now Dom was on the verge of crying out. All he wanted was one person. One fucking person to be there for him, to give a damn. The walls around him looked like they were closing in on him and as soon as the waitress came back, he asked for a box.
Slamming the door behind him, he sunk to the ground against it while pulling his legs up as tight against his body as he could. His fingernails were digging into his knees through the denim. He had to stay in control. His body started to shiver, and then shake more violently, making him let go of his legs. Jumping up from the ground, he almost ran into the kitchen. Opening up the silverware drawer he froze and looked down at the knife leaning against the side. Slowly, he ran his fingertips over it much like he did with the jeans earlier.
They have all the power.
Chapter Three
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