I am an ocean

brokenkillswitch@hotmail.com — Sat, 08 Apr 2006 18:44:47 GMT

someone needs to snap me out of this falsetto euphoria.
it's intimidating me. yes, me, myself, I am intimidating..............myself.

Make sense? probably not.........

To get flustered, to get nervous and feel my face getting that familar cherry red tint to it. To smile, without restraint. To feel drugged without taking one sort of chemical (that is not naturally present in my teenage body). is this so.............is this primavera? Probably not, since spring fever has yet to even hit my lonely share in kansas city, with it's 30 degree and below temperatures.

.....................DAMN. my feelings are prima donna. One day I'm on top of the world, the next I'm lying in bed staring at the clock as its projecting 2:22. (P.M. dare I say........)

I can't even sleep since my minds racing and forcing me to think about my day, and what I could have done / said differently. the half empty bottle of ny-quil is my witness to the horror that is falling asleep.

want/need a romance.an amorous, rapturous affection.

and I want you to tell me that I'm the entreprenuer....in the business.....the buisness of stealing your breath (and/or heart along with it) away.

I'll be your aphrodisiac. You can catch me in an amatory hold.
I'll let you in to the part of my anatomy that is my HEART.

brokenkillswitch@hotmail.com — Sat, 11 Feb 2006 21:32:51 GMT

I'm stronger than this, I told you that, the last night we were in town. You just laughed and rolled over, stealing half the covers off my shivering body. your jet black hair was toussled and I was mad that my hair couldn't look that perfect when waking up.

I'm better than this, I told you that, when I realized things weren't going the way we had planned. What exactly did I want, you asked consistantly. I didn't know, I don't know, and I never will know. All I knew then was you weren't right, and it wasn't right, and nothing felt right. I felt broken down, and run over, and spit at and wasted. you were jealous of others eyes, and thier passes and second guesses. You were jealous of the girls, you were jealous of the boys, anybody who talked to me and held my attention away from you, you were jealous of.

You held the switchboard, I told you that, and you knew what buttons to press. cry on demand. yell on demand. scream on demand. see also: moan, groan, laugh, smile. The problem was you liked to press the first three, and every day we fought. and every day I got sick of you, and every day I wished I never met you. but I couldn't survive without you.

I cried over you, I told you that, and you threw it in my face. saying I never called, playing the victim. and a boy is never worth my tears and therefore my time. I'm unattainable, uncatchable, nobody holds my attention for very long. The ones I want I cant have, and the ones I have I don't want.

you know my secrets, I told you that, and now you've spilled it. it's such a mess, and I can't clean it up now. I never NEVER expected you to either.

the last night we were in town, we kissed under a broken streetlight, that flickered catching the good, the bad, and the worst parts about you. inside my mind the wheels were turning and I wanted to run, but I was frozen, in a sense that I couldnt run, I was too afraid.

brokenkillswitch@hotmail.com — Mon, 23 Jan 2006 21:17:34 GMT

He was eccentric. His axis was completely off compared to everybody elses. but that's what was inviting about him. On the days he worked, he came home to me smelling like disinfectant and day old cigarettes. He said the hospital was tough. so many people a day dying, so many people a day injured, or terminally ill. On his breaks he would inhale smoke, breathe smoke, live smoke. ( He said it calmed his nerves.) I'll give him one thing though -- His eyes were full of expression. His body was dead, it died long ago with former loves, former whats-her-names and former mistakes. But his eyes. oh, those eyes. they were not haunting, but beautiful.... and that is why even though he was the world's worst dancer, I still loved him. he wanted to drown in me. and I wasn't ready for a swim like that. I'm sure he came home that last evening, I'll call it the last supper (If you'll excuse me.) with his empty camel lights pack, and his eyes brightly shining, and that horrid disinfectant musk. I can't seem to find what I need. But I'll make a list, and I'll hide it from myself. But I will tell you this, I need someone who will look me in the eyes. and take me over. You could be the worst person to walk the earth ( and belive me, I've fallen for a few)....but your eyes could make my knees weak. and make my smile brighter. and make me nervous and a fumbling fool. Make me stutter. make my heart beat faster. make everything....all the colors in the world..... bleed together into a backdrop on which to admire you.

brokenkillswitch@hotmail.com — Sun, 22 Jan 2006 08:09:29 GMT

what a waste.
how useless.
My thighs brand
the battle wounds
from better nights
and cold floors.
makeshift beds,
alcoholic gaze.
Romance is a
hard thing to
fake, my dear.
yet this;
the drinks
the empty bottles
the smoke
It's captivating.
It's not easy to run from.
and as I'm embraced
I feel warm.
I feel wanted.
& the bruises
(those
battle wounds)
remind me
that I am not.

brokenkillswitch@hotmail.com — Sun, 22 Jan 2006 08:09:18 GMT

you incite me. is the imagery
of a gun in my mouth the kind you like?

tounge tied & all tied up
in your makeshift lullabies.

I am ready for an excuse, an escape,
I need basis for my plans
to never forgive you
and to always
forget.

cause another incision.
& laugh,
your endeavor was no easy feat.
twist your blood stained knife counter-clockwise
& I'll laugh,

what a poignant tradgedy,
for you missed my heart & my heart still loves
and its others who make it beat.

and you were the drug
that slowed me, that kept me, that showed me.
how spiteful human nature can get.

brokenkillswitch@hotmail.com — Sun, 22 Jan 2006 08:09:05 GMT

I can't stay away
and its killing me
and I smile
& when we touch
I'm happy.
& my tears aren't
fake.

----------------------------------

obviously.

he said.
"if it is like this
so quickly

then it meant nothing
from the very beginning."

he said
"if he bounces like that
so quickly

he was never that
much into you.

& what about
how he made you
cry?

& why does he
want you to think
hes a slut?

& why do you care?"

obviously.

I said.
I'm better off dead.
I'm not that kind of girl.
& yeah, I'm jealous.
& yeah, I'm over it.

brokenkillswitch@hotmail.com — Sun, 22 Jan 2006 08:08:36 GMT

oh, the blank lines.
oh, the smeared ink.
if you keep complaining
i'll keep making these mistakes.
you keep asking me
"will you ever change?"
and im screaming
that im nothing.....
but im everything.
im everything.

and I ask you,
when will you ever
open your lush
eyes
and see, that
I have infact
changed.

I'll be around, honey
so keep bleeding out your passion
and cutting open old wounds
reminising about the past
and how i was everything
Im everything.

you bastard,
you simple, smart
catastrophe.
you keep giving
when i never asked
for anything.

I just wanted to live
I wanted to be
I wanted to enjoy
everything.

youve been around
and baby,
i know the
places, those faces
that you kissed so
sweetly
and were all friends now
and we laugh, smile,
while the knives are twisting
in our backs,
and our lies get
tighter
and our smiles
become forced
our bodies
become entwined
with new territorys
and new nameless
bodies.

ive changed.
but youre too blind
to notice, to care,
to remark upon.
i was everything
and i still am.

brokenkillswitch@hotmail.com — Sun, 22 Jan 2006 08:08:14 GMT

you are
something
I cant describe.

something
untouchable, uncatchable.
in photographs
yet perfect in my mind.

your kiss on my neck
is one thing
I'll never render
perfect in words
so let me witness
it every night.
sleep tight.

wrap your loving arms around me.
embrace me. embrace this.
this morning as it comes so sweetly.
your love is
something
I cant deny.
so leave the bad all at home
and trace over my letters
those letters with
carefully thought out phrases.
and cliche responses
make me feel
irresistible.
because I cant resist you any longer.

these words-- they mean nothing
but feelings last forever
so one more time
WITH
FEELING.

hold my face between your hands
and let me gaze
so I can find a reason
WHY.

------------------

Teach me to think about nothing.
but not forget to breathe.
stare up at your starless sky.
and he starts, and he speaks.
and I'm modest, but I try.
Bleed out my passion....
distant memories, a dirty floor
and no room left to speak.
it's in your smile - in your words
(it's in the way you say)
"that thing you do to me"
oh, I know it all so well.
old love songs,
& ink stained on letters
that my southpaw
trailed.
I lost you at sea
I think
I know
what you meant, now.

brokenkillswitch@hotmail.com — Sun, 22 Jan 2006 08:07:49 GMT

innocence drove home
drunk last night.
I told her not to
do it.

she laughed;
shook it off.

"it was such a good
time."
it was fun.
it was safe???
are
you fucking
kidding me,
innocence?

and now you're gone.
where will I
EVER
EVER
ev
er

find someone like
you again?

brokenkillswitch@hotmail.com — Sun, 22 Jan 2006 08:07:30 GMT

F.A.K.E.
every word.
syllable.
letter.
every kiss.
breath.
tear.

lack of self control.
lack of sleep.
of happiness.
we're broken.
the records skipping.

your voice, for one
is killing me.
the enduring state of charm.
turn it on, turned me on.
your smile, once inviting
is now a death trap.
its hard to believe we once had
the best of each other.
who could have guessed
from all our letters?
although now,
smeared ink
from runaway tears
replaces the softer
version of you on paper.

"its the thought that counts."
its all just a
throw away idea.
things said
things whispered
things that mattered.

the past, you say
has passed.
the future, unimportant.
we were just temporary.

I should have figured
all the words you told me
Were carefully planned
practiced. used.
on all the girls before me.

if it wasn't for my sanity
you would have killed me.

simplicity is never so simple.
giving in. giving it.
giving it UP.
is never easy.
fake me again.

brokenkillswitch@hotmail.com — Sun, 22 Jan 2006 08:06:58 GMT

sorry for the words. but afterall,
like you told me, (they are just words.)
and this winter? well it's just too cold
& maybe it iced over
my heart.

& maybe its just me
but i'd never
let the words "im sorry"
escape my lips.

& maybe its just you
but I cant stand when you speak
when you touch me
when you....

afterall, isnt this what you wanted? a better something? a winter fling,
a broken heart that never heals, or the ability to
leave this all behind?

a open letter
a closed book
you made me shake
and oh...
I shook.
shook it off,
and left with nothing but
memories and the letters I read
and the lies we said
broken speech,
unable to
form the answers
to your questions.

-------------

you laughed and i swear it was the first
of it ive heard in weeks. and your smile
was unexplainable, untouchable out of reach.

I fell and i swear it was the first of it I've done in weeks.
better left unsaid, better left unread and the pictures are still by my bedside.
breathe in breathe out its shakey and the cigarettes arent helping.

and the moonlight creeps under the door and steals a glimpse
of my face my bad side i shoudl have never
ever ever said i was ready for it because i wasnt and im still not.
im jsut now understanding the weight of my words
and how the can affect and how they......

wreak havoc.

brokenkillswitch@hotmail.com — Sun, 22 Jan 2006 08:06:30 GMT

great, my window is
open.
for all to see
what a mess I've become.
touching exteriors.
yet does it warm my
heart?
He tells me not to cry
not to waste my
tears on a boy like
him.
but he,
he did this.
he's done this.

He'll keep doing all of it.
to the next pretty girl
to the next petty fuck.
to the next one he
meets in the back
row of a
movie theatre.

did I go deaf
or is he
just not speaking to me anymore?
hiding behind
his bottle
with that evil, evil smirk.
that evil, evil
drunk.

thought he was
going to be my escape
my exit sign
my tunnel.
but
whatever it is
I am running from
is better than running
to him.
and thats the truth.

brokenkillswitch@hotmail.com — Sun, 22 Jan 2006 08:06:04 GMT

this is the same thing
youre the same thing
wrapped up in different clothes
different personality
different possibilities.

im the same as ive always been
a little girl lost
a little girl, used.

oh well.
oh well.
oh well.

I have no sunny disposition
I tore your pictures down.
love doesnt exisit.
yet.... what does?

I need to stop falling
for pretty faces
and well rehearsed lines.

my. knees. my. thighs.
my. legs. my. arms.
my. heart. my. ego.
all bruised.

crystal beaches

brokenkillswitch@hotmail.com — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 19:03:38 GMT

What is wrong with all my friends?
Why are they cheating on their significant others?
Why are my friends taking back those who cheated on them?

Am I the only one in a relationship where I'm not tempted by other people?
Am I the only one in a secure, secret free relationship?

Am I the only one still attracted to my OWN boyfriend?

big ups to my friends who said it wouldnt last. You don't know what you're talking about.

I had another dream last night. In this one we were swimming in these lakes with a sting ray, and random creatures I made up in my mind. it was a tour of these lakes. One of the lakes drained to a sewer on the side of it, and we watched as the stingray as it struggled not to get sucked under. It was gone in a few seconds. We waded through the water and there was a body, just like there was in the other lake. We uncovered this scandel of people putting dead bodies in these lakes that people paid to go see all the creatures. I was scared to go swimming and almost touched this crazy looking swamp monster with my foot, It tried to pull me under. Then we went to a shopping mall and we found a baby in a stroller, and we were all on rollerskates. So the older guy took the baby and was pushing it around an then I tok over and we went out to the cars, and the baby fell out and i didn't notice until these people yelled at me and I went back to it and it was all grown up and told me its legs hurt. and I said, really? mine too. and I woke up with a big cramp in my leg. the end.

I swear I'm not on drugs, I just have fucked up dreams.

& they fall from the jungle gyms

brokenkillswitch@hotmail.com — Fri, 22 Jul 2005 00:59:09 GMT

I seem to have caught the cat fever.
Every cat I've met loves me.
(It's because I gave them food.)

brokenkillswitch@hotmail.com — Tue, 19 Apr 2005 00:37:19 GMT

Theres a certain death hanging in the sky;
making the sky electric,
with eclectic memories.

& lovers with thier eyes full of stars
cant yield to the mistake of falling.

There's a boy with a numbing mind
saying, "If that was love,
I'd rather die.
yeah, If that was love,
I sure hope I die."

The silence equals unbareable
he wishes she'd take notice
once he's gone.

Theres a girl lying
in an intersection.
saying "if that was love,
I wish it'd never began.
yeah, If that was love
I wish it'd never began."

the silence equals unbareable
she wishes he'd take notice
once she's gone.

Theres a certain death hanging in the sky;
making the sky electric,
with eclectic memories.
& lovers with thier eyes full of stars
cant yield to the mistake of falling.

Princess skullface

brokenkillswitch@hotmail.com — Tue, 08 Mar 2005 02:44:45 GMT

friends only.
(not that it's worth it or anything)
midwest drama.