just finished the book- the movie is NOTHING like the book, in fact I was like, "why did they even decide to call it "last of the mohicans"? I feel like the movie would have done well anyway, it's a good story on its own, it just happens to bear little to no resemblance of james fenimore cooper's book. Liz mentioned that she thinks NIkki read it for school and that reminded me that Nikki took a class on Western Lit which now sounds very interesting to me.


So i liked the book. And because it was nothing like the movie parts of the ending DID indeed shock me- really, I gasped out loud twice.


And then I bought the movie soundtrack. :)

alec swam in the state prelims today- didn't make finals but did swim a best time. I'm really proud of him. :)

got my ipod shuffle in the mail today, going to try it out at the gym tomorrow!

was recced Misty Edwards' music via Joia via Matt Maher and she's really good.

which got me thinking- I think that when I drive to Philly I will try to stay at the International House of Prayer in Kansas City the first night. That divides my drive into an 8.5 hour first day, 10ish hour second day, and then third day with Mo from Columbus. I've wanted to check out this REAL ihop for a while now, should be interesting.

also, i think I'm going to dread my hair. so far the response has been positive. i'm going to ask my manager if it's within dress code tomorrow and if she says it is I'll probably do it as soon as I can find someone to. If not I'll probably wait and get KT and helpers to do it. woooo!

okay, so let's make that a total of six zahn books in five days. but now i'm done. his other star wars books are prequel-esque: outbound flight and then "allegiance" (which I feel like I might have read but can't remember, just checked, yes Morgan sent it to me when it was published so I have in fact read it) and I don't feel any need to read those.

so now i'm at the smoky hill library listening to john mayer (although I listened to kelly on my way over here which was AWESOME) and attempting to write letters of recommendation for TomNeal. MUCHO privilege but that doesn't mean I know how to write the damn thing! grrrr. Here is where not getting to read your letters of rec kind of sucks, I have no idea what they are supposed to say!

After not getting my hair to do anything this morning I gave up and put a bandana on. That's right, doo rag style. I am awesome.

Yesterday I went hiking at Barr Lake State Park in a tank top and shorts, was sweaty and sunburned.

Today? It snowed most of the day. IT IS MAY!

Although I have to say that it was lovely to watch the fat spring snowflakes swirl outside my Starbucks.

I just bought my ticket to Orlando to hang out with Liz, Lau, and crew plus drive up to ALUMNI RETREAT!!! WOOHOO!!! I am pretty excited. That means all my plans I definitely wanted for this summer are in motion. Yes!

not to mention, this just in, CLAIRE GRIFFIN IS COMING! I'm psyched.

EDIT: BROTHER SAM IS ALSO COMING!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOO!!!!

I'm attempting to write a review of Alli Rogers' new album whilst watching/listening to the Derek Webb DVD "How To Kill and Be Killed" whilst reading a wikipedia article on Frederick Buechner. Go me.


also, morgie, I miss you.

the rundown:

went to indiana, it was warmer than usual, yay!

had my interview, will save further reflections for the friends lock...

due to ticketing snafus I ended up getting to spend the weekend in Chicago!!! Yay!

Therefore was able to meet the new Raterman baby (four days old!!!!), the new Green baby (four months old!), Nick's new girlfriend, Mandie's new boyfriend, on top of hanging out with 3/4 of Kaio plus Doug at the Dollop, going to Giordano's with the same gang, photoboothing with Doug and Mary, getting to go to Clarke's with Anne, and having Palm Sunday at Our Lady of Lourdes when John was preaching. Plus UPTOWN! Getting to spend time with the Greens and the Ratermans!!!

Good weekend, I'm exhausted.

the past few days it has smelled like desert rain in the dark morning.

i practiced guitar for almost an hour today :)

had coffee with rox and karen

went to the gym

listened to over the rhine

finished "fellowship of the ring"


and more songwriting that expresses again how I feel about politics :)
Over the Rhine, "If A Song Could Be President"

Isabelle and I made it to mass late this morning and it was NASTY outside. It snowed almost all day of the wet and icy sort. The house was freezing and therefore I decided the only thing to be done was snuggle under the covers and read Lord of the Rings. :) Which of course led to nappage. But that is also good because I had gone a few days without really good sleep (stayed up too late Friday and then opened Saturday...). Then I got to talk to Morgan and hear about the conference she was a panelist for at our alma mater, good times. Plus I was jealous she got to see so many fun people! Played guitar for a while (I finally have callouses again!), dropped Isabelle and her friend off to see a movie and went to another bucky's (there is one I hang out at that is closer to my house than the one I work at...) and did some journaling plus talked to Mom. I talked for a long time also to Jen Edwards, i.e. the only person from high school I keep up with, so that was fun.

Which is to say all is quiet on the western front. :)

WELL I SAID I WAS GOING TO, I JUST CAN'T HELP IT!



(on a sidenote I have given up recreational coffee drinking for lent but it's Sunday and warm so I've had to quad iced grande americanos- that's right, eight shots of espresso. i'm thining at this point that might have been overkill.)

I know everyone must think I've just sidelined Peru at this point but it takes me a while. Yesterday was the 150th anniversary of Lourdes (don't worry, Brad doused me with water from the grotto and blessed me) and I was thinking about pilgrimages and I want to write a poem about trekking to the Chimbote cemetary of the poor. It's not forgotten...


My Review of the Caedmon's show on Saturday

I had a nice long talk with Jenny yesterday and one of the things we talked about was something I've been struggling with in general (especially in regards to finance) which is the question what is enough? I am someone who usually frets about having enough and, in the past, it has even been brought to my attention that perhaps I worry too much about having a financial cushion or safety net beyond what I really need. Which again raises the question, what do I really need? These days I find myself on the other end (balance, Lindsay, balance!) and I feel like I have everything I could possibly need and I know there are so many people out there who don't have the things they need. So what is just to keep and save for myself (is it just to save money so I can go to concerts and travel when there are people in the world without food or clean water?) and how much should I give away? I feel like no matter what I do I end up feeling guilty- and although I believe guilt is, at times, a helpful emotion in this case I don't think it's reflective of what my actions ought to be.

Not that I think there is an easy answer here. There are people who I admire who I am sure have comfort in their well maintained 401(k)s and are very passionate about the poor, ditto people who have nice homes and material things, and then there are people I know who share literally all that they have and have faith that there will also be enough for them.

I told Jenny I have been recently juxtaposing the story of the Rich Young Man and the parable of the talents- Jesus tells the wealthy lord to give all he has to the poor and follow Him. This is presented as part of the historical life of Jesus, something he LITERALLY asked this man to do. The man turned away sad. In the parable of the talents, however, we are made stewards of something and expected to increase what we have been given, to the point where if we do not even what we have will be taken away. It's a parable so I suppose there are several ways it could be taken (and each of them could be "right," including those I haven't thought of!)- does this story reflect the ways we should invest our money as well as our time and giftedness? Could it mean that by investing financially in the poor we are increasing what we have been given (as it often stretches farther)? Is it a vaguer teaching that simply encourages to invest "in the kingdom," whatever that means?


Um, going to service with the fam later, I made cupcakes for my co-worker, Holly's birthday, gave out lent CDs, am going to commit a lot more time to reading during this season. I have some excellent books. :)

some thoughts on Ash Wednesday from Whispers in the Loggia

I think it's fairly common knowledge that I harbor too much anxiety so I might as well confess that one way I think this manifests itself is that I clench my jaw (and possibly grind my teeth) while I sleep (which apparently is one reason my gums are receeding, great). Sometimes I will wake up because I've managed to insert my tongue in between my teeth and the teeth-vice sensation wakes me up and I have to consciously relax my muscles and go back to sleep. I came back from work this afternoon and wasn't planning on taking a nap but I was exhausted so I just sort of threw myself on top of my comforter and closed my eyes. I had this horrible series of dreams wherein (I think I was actually at work in some dreamlike sense of that) I would just be SEIZED like this- my whole body going rigid and unable to even open my mouth, which was firmly cinching my tongue, having fallen on the ground, crying and terrified. It made me wonder what exactly it is I am so very anxious about right now. Weird.

In other news I am SO EXCITED about Caedmon's with Derek and Sandra on Saturday!!!! I am seriously considering conveniently visiting Morgan (and Laura!) at the same time Derek and Sandra will be having a show in the Columbus area. (This is late April if anyone is interested!)

In case you missed the memo my grad school apps are in, so now of course everyone wants to know when I will hear back- the answer is anywhere from the end of this month (that would be a program that really wants me, or conversely wants me to know of my rejection ASAP) to mid April or later (that would be programs who have me on a waitlist or whose final deadline is later).

It has been proffered that perhaps I am too serious all of the time. Anybody want to comment or suggest how to lighten up a bit? (Merriment of the merriest kind?!) Perhaps this parenthetical comment holds the key because the people who I am goofy and laugh hysterically with is all over the phone with people who I have established relationships with and not as easily witnessed.

Also I'm too judgmental- I need to work on that.

Also I downloaded the audio of a Derek/Sandra concert from www.indieriver.net and it's SO GREAT.

Also on the note of my enthusiasm I was just thinking that I haven't danced around in my room in a long time and then just earlier today I was moved to do just that- for those that know me I think we all understand what I mean. :) RANDOM DANCE MOVES!

In other news I can't believe Ash Wednesday is tomorrow and yet I am very ready for lent. Not in the sense that I'm "ready" (which I never am) but that I need this season. So I'll give a final ALLELUIA!!!!

or this year's Lent CD.


1. Messes of Men: mewithoutYou
2. On Our Way to Crazy: Waterdeep
3. In the Girl There's a Room: Sara Groves
4. Found: Hillsong United
5. Find Me: Jon Shirley
6: If You Want Me To: Ginny Owens
7. Lead Us Up the Mountain: Matt Redman
8. Jungle Trail: Steven Delopolous
9. Walk Away to You: Peter's Keys (Joe White & Lorelle Watkins)
10. Follow You: Justin McRoberts
11. Finding Your Feet Again: Denison Witmer
12. Lead of Love: Caedmon's Call
13. Departure: Madison Greene
14. Fully Yours: Dog Named David
15. To Be Alone With you: Sufjan Stevens
16. Run Baby Run: Jason Upton
17. The Way of the Fire: Jill Philips
18. If You Say Go: Vineyard
19. Where Do We Go From Here: Mat Kearney

Last year's mix is here.

All my grad school apps are submitted!!!!!!!!!! I am extremely pleased by this. I can't decide if my autobiographical is ( embarassingly bad or brilliant? )

In other news I am TOTALLY digging Rob Bell's new book. I am trying to think of ways to celebrate. This is difficult when I have no friends...

Weddings, weddings everywhere. I just found out one of my outreach partners from last year is engaged. (Oh wait I was going to make a joke that it ISN'T Eric Borgh but then I checked facebook and actually he is ALSO engaged, great.)

And this isn't engagement but I had a HILARIOUS conversation with one of my former roomies about his DTR. A snippet:

Nick: well, it wasn't exactly like i wanted it to go. we went to the noodle and...

Me: you went to the noodle? and you were hoping for romantic?!

Nick: well, like, her idea of romantic would be like talking to homeless people together and the noodle is a special place for me but...

Me: (I interrupt a lot) DId you blush a lot???? You did, didn't you!

Nick: well, uh, hey, how would I know?!

Me: DID YOUR FACE GET ALL HOT?

Nick: so THAT'S what that feeling is!

(more story)

Nick: so anyway we visited our friend and it was like, hey we're dating!

Me: but she asks how long that's been going on and you have to admit only between the car and the door. HAHAHAHAH

Nick: exactly.


***

As a note despite the fact that I like to feign relationship bitterness I think I'm also constantly reminded why I really like being single. On that note I was pinch hitting for the Farmers last night and hanging with the kids and Caedmon kept running and crashing into me. Then getting up to do it again.

Me: oh, Caedmon, if only all the boys threw themselves at me like you.

Jack (6): you would be crushed. you would probably die.

Me: Thanks Jack.

***

Also my lent CD is almost finished. Mwah.

The gospel for this Sunday is one of those where it is something I feel like I have rolled over in my mind like a worry stone so many times that when I pick it up again it's so very familiar. And I hear this and I just sink and think: the nets. It was heartbreaking to hear this again because for so long now I've felt prodded to GO, just pack up and do it, go somewhere! This always makes me angst about what is holding me back- lack of direction (that's a big one!), are there things I am afraid to leave behind, there is definitely fear (of inadequacy, failure, it goes on), blah blah blah. What are the nets? What do I need to drop?

Interesting too that this story is butted right up against the conversion of St. Paul and that, to me, is comforting. The apostles in the gospel leave right away when Jesus calls them, Paul does the same, but it looks very different



( and a somewhat lucid conversation with Christa about this )

It's crunch time on grad apps, I have to just push my ambivalence aside and make it happen. I will not let indecision make decisions for me. Now, bed.

I've done a ton of laundry.

I received a box today with a camping stove and snowshoes in it. I wasn't expecting a big box addressed to me, I opened it and was sort of dumbfounded then I thought, TIM! Tim told me he had an extra camp stove and I am assuming the snowshoes are a loan. Awesome!

I decided to file my taxes today since I received all my W-2s whilst I was away. And learned that the IRS never received my stuff from last year. Great. So they are sending it to me and I will file retroactively. Although I know I've made less than $10,000 in two years, so it's not like there is a big difference whatever I do.

In a panicky realization I have to send out my grad apps in like the next 72 hours. Left to do:
condense my statement of purpose, write essay #2 for HDS, write an autobiographical statement for ND. Pray a lot, especially about Koehlinger's letter of rec.

Wow, I'm boring.

I made a bagel the other day and ran upstairs to grab something while it toasted and when I heard it ding I came back to butter it and add delicious jam. Mmm.

Now this may not sound like something to get nostalgic about, but as I tried to figure out where to eat my bagel- alone at the table, sit with fam watching tv for a few minutes, head up to my room? I missed our unpredictable Kaio toaster oven. That's right. The toaster oven which you had to stand and peer into the entire time it cooked lest you burn something and then have to put out toaster oven fires, open the back porch windows and endure the nonchalant reaction of your roommates as they take in the scenario and then calmly respond, "were you trying to make something in the toaster oven?"

I came upstairs one day and our apartment was filled with smoke and that burnt smell and I found a newcomer panicking, in a bemused sort of way, as he fanned the door.

"Oh no!" I exclaimed, "Did we not warn you about the toaster oven?"

Not to mention if you forgot and attempted to store something on top of said toaster oven it would be incinerated much like whatever food was inside.

What I was really prompted to miss, though, was the kitchen as a gathering place. With the two bedroom doors basically IN the kitchen, standing sentry over the toaster oven was a time for conversation with those bedrooms' inhabitants, an offer to share food with them too.

Here...we pretty much all eat on our own. Greg prefers to do his own things foodwise, Leslie prepares stuff for the kids who scale from disinterest to disgust in their reactions to the food I create. And unless I ask Leslie to sit down with me, preparing a meal and sitting down to eat it does not signal a time to spend together or communicate.

To keep moving forward I suppose what I truly miss is the time together and communication offered in our vibrant Kaio kitchen and the friendship there.

**************************************************************************

I have mentioned to several friends recently that I don't feel lonely but indicators show that I am. I have no one here to spontaneously share anything with that I feel any confidence will understand where I'm coming from.

In other news, I REALLY need to finish getting my grad school apps together- if only I wasn't SO totally ambivalent about the whole idea.

I need to pack for Peru.

Jackie, I rented "Diary of a Country Priest" and am going to watch it tonight.

Lau, I finished "The Last Kiss" last night and it did turn out better than the promise of the first 20 minutes. Want to take an RV to South America? Or alternately, CANADA?