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[Dec. 15th, 2006|12:24 pm] |
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| |  girlie | ] |
i'll take a brief interruption from my disturbing schedule to shout a holler. its funny, i was reading my old diary about a week ago and i realized how much i changed. Not only my grammar/word usage but also the kind of person i've become and the mental/emotional/physical stability that i've maintained. i was angry. i was unsettled. and there was things that was going on that was beyond, yet completely in, my own control. it was funny to hear about the relationship with my mother and how much my family life sucked, even though when i think about it now, it wasn't that bad. but then again, isn't everything the end of the world when youre a teen? its just stark and funny and scary all at once, and i dunno.....i feel kinda cool with the person who i am, even though i feel as if nothings changed but my underware (and that's only barely).
i was thinking last night (when i should have been sleeping to prepare for my 8am final) that maybe i should contact my father. i miss him. i want a nice relationship with him, even though im complacent playing the bitch. i dont want to pretend that there was no beef between us, and i feel like i will smooth it over if i speak to him. i am a big emotional baby, especially with him, and i feel like im 12. i'm 20 freaking years old and his still my daddy, not my "father". he still holds my hand when we cross the street and tickles me and i dunno. it all makes me sad when i think about it because i feel like i had a lot of good experiences with him, but financially he's been less than stellar. i want to tell him how thats effected me. i want to tell him how ive missed that boat with him and i cant over the phone. i was thinking to write a letter but i dont want him thinking there's this midday drama going on. but im thinking about it and i think i will.
my relationship has been going well. unbelieveably well. we talk to each other, our communication is great, he cares for me, we make fart jokes, its awesome. he annoyed me as of late and i dunno.....i sometimes realize his lack of experience and/or age (i think its more so the experience part, hes only a year younger, but hes a guy so its like dog years with them) and it frustrates me. Over the 10months that we've been together we never had a fight, but there has been some frustrations. word useage, phone protocol, annoying habits, that sorta thing. my secret girl jedi mind trick strategery doesn't work because he's never really been in the situation to decode all of those things. this is his first real, i-love-you relationships, so all of the "no, i dont want you to call" "i'm fine" double talks is completely foreign to him, and when even the most basic was lost on him, i had to walk him through it instead of hatching my master plan. so that stuff, is whatever, but i dunno....for the most part its a learning experience for both of us. I've had my freakouts and reacted to things he's done that were rather innocent but i felt he was being deceitful or nefarious in one way or the other because that was the way my ex (no refered as the ruiner of lives) acted. so there's that emotional toll because in a way im reacting to the land mines that were buried before the new people moved in and now he's the one who has to reset them all. I feel bad. and it shows. usually the reaction goes like this; i react-he's confused-he apologizes-i spaz-i spaz again,but because i realize im completely psycho-he does the woo woo woo dance-i cry and say how a horrible person i am-i say how insecure i am and how i dont want to judge him against my past-i stop crying-i cry some more about how insecure i am-i tell him im learning-he says he doesnt think im crazy and he loves me-i tire myself out and go to sleep. this is the nature of things. and i feel TRULY sorry, because i dont wanna be that person. i want to judge him on his own merit, which is kinda sexy if i dont say so myself. he's a wonderful, caring person, and i wouldn't want to jump through the hoops that the last chick set up. so im learning and im trying and he knows this, so hopefully thats good enough. we're both learning so i guess thats ok. we're just starting from two different starting points.
im currently annoyed with this amazing man, not so much anymore, but i was. over nothing at all serious. another thing with him is that he doesnt like fighting or being mad in general, so he gets upset and he blows over it pretty fast, and then he expects me to be over it as well. so he coddles me, and whispers his i love yous, but im stubborn and i dont wanna hear all that mess. i wanna be mad. so im stuck being the spoil sport (which makes me more annoyed) while he's off watching sportcenter somewhere. but when i trail off being the annoying girlfriend, i stop myself. BECAUSE I HATE being that person. i want to be cool and relaxed, not groucho marx. its whatever, i still win at the end (because he spoils me and im a brat and then he tells me im not and kisses my forehead. i miss him. i want him in my bed). he's final-ing it up right now and i wont see him until saturday afternoon so ima chillax and kiss my hand and watch mind numbing tv, read my washington post then focus on the blogs and inet addictions that shakens my soul. its my life, im just a player in it.
guess what-i'm almost a senior, don't tell anyone (including myself)!
on a much realer note, i might be able to go to london at the end of spring semester(!). How hot shit is that?! my professor is hosting a study abroad program from the last week in may to the second week in june, so it would be like 3 weeks, but it would also provide 3 credits (that i so need) and the chance to parlay in london and norway. fun shit right? he said he could score us a $500 scholarship, which is water in the barrel but still something, so i told my mom about it and she said to apply and see what happens. so i am so doing so. I'm gonna prolly apply after the semester is over, and then get to work on study abroad scholarhship apps-but CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!! that would be, the beyond in beyond and would make my effing LIFE. because even if i sadly never make it out of the country i'd still have my little chunk of london to hold near and dear to my heart. it would be the bees knees so we'll see.
TELL ME. what you thinkin about when you got me waitin patiently i wanna party/drink/be a complete hoochie. but my bed feels quite nice too. hmm. time to squander. love ya boos.
<3ciaobella |
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[Nov. 21st, 2006|01:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | mellow | ] |
i was reading an old diary of mine-as if i abandon this one enough, i usually keep a paper diary as well, well...i used to. not so much anymore. but anyway, i used to write-and i have a notebook since 6th grade (that i still have anyway) detailing each thought and whim. anyway-i was reading when i was just just starting to talk to my ex, that douchebag asshole one, and after reading several pages i felt a range of emotions. amused. happy. angry. sad. this was definitely not the first time since writing that I've read that. I file through my past from time to time-sometimes if im provoked by a memory, or if im bored, or if i just want to travel back in time. Written record is the best way to track your feelings, your growth and development. Also, i just like the way i write, quite honestly. its funny. especially hearing as i transcend from mini me-to sorta grown up me. well as grown as i can be. anyway, reading it just made me feel sorta sad. i sorta went back to that little girl, and i remembered each moment described. in my written, im really good for describing something. at that point i figured i was gonna read it over and whats the point of penning an experience if its written haphazardly. i describe each sight, smell, touch, emotion with commentary to boot so while reading it i almost get sent to those same shoes that i was standing in......4 years ago. weird. wow, it does and doesnt feel that long ago. wow..
i dunno. its sad because i loved him. like i really loved him. and knowing what i know and feeling how i feel at the present moment-my feelings back then just feels........stupid. I can hear the bells ringing, trying to tell me to GET OUT but back then i guess it rang to no avail. he was horrible to me. both emotionally and quite literal with all the cheating. i spoke to him during the summer, it was maybe a 4 to 5 hour conversation and he just apologized. he told me he was stupid....or whatever. it was a decent confession, and it felt so wasted. why now? whats the purpose? i asked him things...the questions that were never answered. or if they were they were lies. he cheated on me with 4 girls. well, thats how many he slept with i assume. i asked how many were there, and that was his answer. burn much? i asked why. what else could i ask...? he explained, as best as he could. and his voice sounded somber and detached. like it was a former him and it pained him more that he did those things. he spoke candidly and vivid-and i dont think ive ever heard that tone from him before, nor do i think i will again. it was closure, but it hurt and it pieced me together all at once. of course that convo ended with him wanting me, but knew that he couldnt have me. i guess we were honest with our feelings then, because after since it seemed he forgot that revelation and annoyed me to no end why we couldnt be together. but knowing the truths and knowing the outcomes that reading it hurt me in a way. its amazing how much you can say youre removed from a situation but once youre in square one, you still feel those same emotions. i dont know why i was with him for so long. i dont know why it was so easy for him. i know through his explanation but my heart doesnt. why couldnt he love me enough then. why couldnt he protect me then. he hurt me. it hurts me. it hurts me now. and reading it makes me feel alone and rejected. saddened and used and stupid. why did i ignore the lies and why did i let him? why couldnt i leave, why did i love him? why did i let him hurt me, why couldnt i see the truth? these questions dont matter now, because this is all the past thats being put into question, and perhaps it should just lay there. why do i even keep a reminder of pain? but the reality of the situation is i cant throw it away, even if it hurts because its a part of me. i was there too and it made me who i am today. although all that sounds like fluff i guess its true. but i couldnt throw away old memories, and in a way my feelings for him couldnt be thrown out either. he'll always effect me. that conclusion, ive come to grips with. but i think past is past, and i have no bussiness with him any more. words or otherwise.
this was kind of hastily written but it was more for my sake than anything else. i guess the moral of this story is that exboyfriends are ex's for a reason (and they kick rocks) word |
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[Nov. 7th, 2006|01:35 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  awake | ] |
i know i suck at posting but i just been busy with life right now. mucho apologies. I write today because i am so sad at the nature of things. While usually I go about my day as a complete asshole, dishing out hatred without abandon (its all lighthearted, hatred...? yeah..that doesn't make any sense. hm.), i sit here and think about all the ugly in the world. I know if you do that you'll become overwhelmed with grief because there is probably more anger than love, more pain than joy, more fucked up shit that pangs the human soul. I accept this. I am cynical by nature (even though I never fully grasped how to spell cynical. and definitely choose not to look it up either. call me a rebel.) and perhaps pessimissm comes along with that, but I am not one of those half glass full sorta girls-and thats ok for me. By this point i know how horribly depressing i am, so the fact that i feel truly affected actually surprises me. I was talking with a friend of mine last night and she told me about the John Hopkins fiasco and I just felt completely hurt. Surprise. The details are listed in the link, but apparently some asinine Frassholes decided their Halloween party would be special if they decided to run with a "Halloween in the Hood" theme. This included the usual "lets dress like black people" attire, along with a bought skeleton dressed in ratty clothes hung on a noose. All this occuring in "the HIV pit" their reference to baltimore. You walked in the party greeted by white people dressed as pimps, hoes and slaves, all with feigned gunshots that rung sweetly in the background. </p>This entire story makes me sick. While the idea of the affair isn't particularly new, it's the level of distaste and the frequency of these parties that are disturbing. White people's fascination with black culture is hardly anything of a debate. I can witness it at anytime by tuning into any of the national networks and experiencing THEIR take on MY culture. I can see overly animated characters who speak exaggerated ebonics and emphasize a lack of goals, ambitition or values. I can see white students walk on campus or in my hometown sporting fitted caps and spouting the latest jim jones song in a drunken stupor (BALLIN!). HOWEVER, it's this personal attack on black culture and black people as a whole that has my panties in a twist. WTF Sigma Chi? As if daddy's connections isn't satisfying enough. As if pretty cars, alcohol addictions and a cocky attitude isn't enough to hold them over. Did they run out of girls to rape? Sure I'm overgeneralizing this fraternities character, but didn't they to the black race? Oh wait, to do this I would have to assume that this Sigma Chi had character. How can someone be so reckless, to feel that this behavior is ok? How can someone fall into this mentality? After this I opened up a new window and I was greeted by Urban Dictionary with the definition of nigger.
An offensive word used to describe black people. These particular black people cry about slavery (160+ years after it ended), act like the world owes them everything for such injustices they faced (even though Jews & Native Americans had it far worse). They murder they english language in every chance they get. They think that every White woman in the world wants to fuck them rather than a White man. They think that just because someone is black, this means they are automatically stronger than every White person in the world (though if you look in the UFC and places of the like, blacks are few & far between). They would rather sit and bitch about how "whitey" is holding them down, than to actually take responsibility for their own problems and try to make the world a better place. They think that being the godforsaken scum of the earth (i.e. crackhead) is somehow the cool thing to do
What is wrong with people??? And this is how real life people feel. It's just disheartening and it hurts. It hurts that a stupid fraternity felt it was ok to "playfully" stage a lynching. I saw the thumbnail but I was too upset to open it. I couldn't. I stared at it and felt shaken to my core. BUT WAIT, IT'S WITH SKELETON IT'S JUST A JOKE! The nerve of these people. Because I'm sure if i playfully put a skeleton with a star of david in my fisher price oven it all would be ok. And racism doesn't exist? I love how the constant argument for slavery is that it happen all so long ago. But these ignorant people don't know that the effects of slavery is still felt today. They don't know that there are structural barriers set in place so it's thatmuch harder for a black kid in the suburbs to make it let alone one who is impoverished. People are always willing to talk about things they're not even fully informed of. Sure slavery happened over a century ago, but black people were not granted their rights but 40 years ago-and that's just on the books. Just because there's a law against theft doesn't mean robbery ceases to exist. And you know what the sweet part is, it took a protest from the damn Black Student Union to bring this to light. And the punishment? A suspention and diversity training. ...Yeah I felt the same way.
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