| the best laid plans... |
[28 Jul 2007|02:42am] |
sometimes i'll glace at something you made and sigh, sometimes i'll roll my eyes, sometimes i'll swallow hard past the lump in my throat. either way my face prickles a little. i feel like i wish this never happened, either never started or never ended. it doesn't really matter which, now, i just don't want to have to feel like this.
i need you to understand that i'm sorry, i'm really sorry.
this is really worse than anything that's happened, yet the feelings seem more dulled in a way. maybe because this time there's no lingering hope to keep my insides twisted. this time i know it's dead for good. and that's comforting, in a way.
this has nothing to do with now. now is still perfect. but i have to acknowledge these feelings as they come, because if i stuff them down they will just show up later, and no one wants that.
today was the exchange of stuff. there wasn't much stuff to exchange, really, when i looked around my room. it made me feel like you'd never been there at all, even though you basically lived there for months on end. even though you saw it several times a week for two years. even though you're the only person that's ever spent the night in that bed with me, still.
no one does this, i said. you said we were different, and i believed you. sorry, kiddo. i guess not.
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_like_weeds