Lightning Wolf's Realm

"It's the sugar cube that sunk the Titanic!"

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 02:35:14 GMT

So, how are ya'll...cool. I just took a health test and am now puttering around on here. :D I got a 97. *squee*

Horsie camp is now officially over with, which is pretty good. I loved it (volunteering + horses = wonder volunteering) but it was getting a little stressful, especially when having to deal with the kids that just stare at you like lumps on logs when you tell them how to do anything important, like steer. *sigh* So, now it's all good. I don't need to worry about that anymore.

We found out about two days ago Uncle Dave and his family (my little cousins that I like a lot) are coming to visit Saturday. I'm sorta upset about it though cuz they chose to not come at Christmas and told everyone last minute, which was sorta disappointing, and now told us last minute and expect us to be there. :/ I had plans to go to the lake on Saturday but now I can't. What really gets me though is how they say last minute, and if we don't come everyone gets their panties in a knot. Blaaaah...there is some other underlying stuff too, but that's the short of it all.

I was able to convince my dad to let me work Jozee again today, which was needed. Short story: Jozee is a mare at our barn who belongs to a very nice lady named Tera. Tera is attending medical school and thus cannot work Jozee much but obviously would love to. Jozee is now my summer project cuz I <3 Jozee ^.^ So now Jozee and I have bonded quite a bit more than before, which is vury gut. She looks for me now, which makes me feel loved. Today was only the second time I actually worked her (on a lunge line-no riding yet). Last time she challenged me a lot and I had to crack the lunge whip more than I like (not whip the horse, make the whip *crack* sound). Just FYI, mares challenging is a butt of a thing to work with. XP Today though she only challenged me three times and responded nearly entirely to my voice. Even when she was tired, I'd say 'trot on' and she'd push a little harder. <3 I feel proud of Jozee, and happy that we're making a better 'herd', and amazed at the quick progress. Yay.

So that's my life today. Weeeee. Now people are setting off fireworks on my cul-de-sac. Ah, the good weeks of before-after the holiday of 4th of July. XD I wanna go watch.
<3

"...you spelled 'ice cream' wrong."

Mon, 26 Jun 2006 02:51:36 GMT

(I've not had time for anything really until now. <3 me anyway? I <3 j00.)
So, I'm back & alive. 10th-17th = camp. At the best camp eveh. <3
So, some stuff was different this year with it being the second year Mable's family was directing and the like. But it made it amazing. I signed up for high ropes & lurvly sit-on-tops the first two days then high ropes & crafts later XD.
Well high ropes...I'm so friggin' proud of myself that I did it. (It's basically a whole bunch of obstacles you perform 25+ ft in the air.) I've always been nervous, then one of my good friends from the week, Haley, said she'd do it with me and I was gone. I completed the first course relatively easily, which was a cat-walk pole, wires, then zip line. (Zipline = clip self to looooong wire from 30+ ft, run, jump, & fly down huge hillside...= <3) Then the 2nd course was harder. It was 1 wire for your feet to shimy across while you reach for support ropes, then an opbstacle bridge where the obstacles flipped under you when you shifted your weight. Two people in our class fell. Twas freaky, but awesome, then to zip line. David tried to bribe me across with an orange on this one, which was the best. XDD After that I did the big swing and pamper pole. Big swing = 25 ft high, clip waist to heavy wires, climb a little (with wires), lean, free fall, feel like ground is going to eat you, wires tighten, swing out for most amazing adreniline rush ever. Pamper pole = climb 25 ft high wobly telephone pole, attempt to stand at that height (scary), get guts up, jump and catch trapeze bar. Getting the bar is hard, but I did it! Thinking about it still makes my heart rush. XD Haley yelled at me "Just suck it up and juuuump!!!" which was the best. Sit-on-tops are still my favorite boats ever, end of story. <3 In crafts I ended up with an award (the crafts lizard) at the end of the week cuz everyone was apparently impressed with a wolfy picture I made. I'll post it here. ^.^

The best night at camp was the dance night. My cabin went canoeing over to Needle's Point to camp, but a lot of girls wanted to go to the dance. So they all went, but Mable (who got to come with us <3) and I stayed on the point with just one counselor. It was the best thing eveh! We had such a crazy time... Basically Mable and I have gotten to be really close in just short amounts of time, which is amazing, and we both think the same and such so we can be crazy together. I want to have her come visit some time so she can meet everyone, cuz that would be amazing. Anywho, we basically did ordinary camping responsibilities, like bear-proof the food, but made them take twice as long since we had forever, and had an amazing time doing them. That was honestly one of the best times I've ever had. <3 A bunch of other stuff happened (of course), but I don't want to ramble too much, but it did make a (awesome) week of my life so some rambling is required. XD So, finally, I believe I broke my nose when I got shinned in the face on the bannana boat. I didn't think it was possible at first, but I discovered just how easy it is to do such a thing and how little can be done for it, and realized that it must be broken. So, wippee. It cracks now XD.

So, other than that I'm home. <3 When I came home I rapidly became crudily sick, which lasted until about weds or thursday. Yay. XP I helped a bit with the horse camp I'm volunteering at, which was cool. Thusday my hamster, Oido, died, which sucks. I lurved my Oido. For those that didn't know, she was calico and had big cute ears (thus her name) and a little black star shaped mark over he shoulders. I'm gonna miss her a lot. Yesterday I went to the lake as Richard invited me to go with three of his neighbors who are my age. It was really nice. We went to a less stuffed lake and probably only saw about 20 boats on a Saturday, so it was nice. The water was like glass. I kneeboarded a lot, so I now have that addiction. I was up on water skis, then the rope popped against my fingers, which popped my tendons, which equaled no more tendon pressure for me. We tubed a bit, then someone stole our tube. XP We also saw a wildfire, which was cool. It's too dry though(poor pasture...). Now I am quite badly sunburned and feel sick-ish again. Tomorrow the second session of the camp I'm counseloring at starts, which is bleh-ish due to burn. Ah well, suck it up. Also, dispersed between all that is a health class which is quite easy but tedious as crap. I'm already halfway done, though, so it's all good. So this is a shout out to everyone as I have not made contact with -anyone- except (very shortly) Tanya, my nice neighbors, and family. <3s for you all. I'll try to call you all sometime this week.

Freedom!

Sun, 04 Jun 2006 22:50:30 GMT

So, life's been busy. Happy summer though. ^.^ School is done. Sophomore next year, woot. Report cards came, and I am satisfied. *nods*
Had the Bolshoi Classic show the weekend school got out, and it was amazing. Right after school Friday we trailored the horses over to the show grounds and set up tack and horses. I got to meet Mary and Jenny and see Stefanie again and Carly came along to help as well, so it was all amazing. Ryan, Stef's hony (horse + pony XD), is adorable and a little sweetheart and Shane, Mary's little guy, is an adorable appaloosa. *squee* We all went down to the rings and schooled together on Friday eveing, then went out to a late dinner. Set up=time consuming. We were home around 1 a.m. and asleep around 2, and had to wake up at 5:30. XP We saw a deer coming home though, which was cool.
So Saturday was sorta timeless just flowing by, but amazing. I showed Hughbert and we didn't place, but I'm just happy we did as well as we did in the level we were in (this was my first B level show) with twenty people in the classes. In one class, we would have placed but Hugh picked up the wrong lead in the canter so we were one point below placing. Also, the saddle I was in was a jumper since Hugh fits saddles weird so the judge said to get a new saddle if I wanted to seriously place. XP Sunday I showed Jazz, which sorta went disastrous when I tensed up and Jazz just wanted to go reeaaaally fast, but we got two 2nds, which were by default XDDD, and a third which we earned. ^.^ Yay. I also successfully cantered him in a show with no stirrups, so success! For fun/confidence I showed Hugh in a equitation class Sunday eveing. Eq=tortuuure, but people like to see me do it cuz apparently I'm rather good at it. XP I was still all nervous from the earlier fiasco, so we only placed 6th, but I realized my lead with Hugh for the first time which was amazing, just FYI.
Finally, amazingly, the previous UGA Equestrian Team teacher actually came up to me and complemented me on my equitation. College level teacher complemented me. I nearly died when I realized who he was. And he gave me advice and such to work on calming down and eq. and such. Just...omg. Wow. I mean, he hung out with us for a while because he wanted to be able to talk to me about my riding. Made my day. ^.^
So all in all, came away from the show satisfied, successful, relieved, and extremely tired. Since then I've been sleeping, working on my Health course, helping Tanya wash her puppies XD, visiting with Molly for the first time in forever, riding, and getting ready for camp. (*subliminal messaging* Grem should call meh!) So, honestly. Happy summer yall! <3

Names

Sun, 21 May 2006 15:58:54 GMT

Explain your LiveJournal name and its meaning. When you're done, tag as many people as there are letters in your name.

So, tagged by ariaminerva

Mmkay, well I've always been a wolf girl. Typically my friends just called me Wolf. Around fifth-sixth grade, I decided 'Wolf' alone was too general, though it was perfect for when with friends. Lightning is one of my lurvlurvs, and one of my earliest memories, so that was tagged on there along with the realization that I wouldn't be just a wolf, but wolfen. So my name became Lightning Wolfen, Wolf for short. It's stuck with me since then. When I made an LJ, I actually started with the name LightningWolfen. I was halfway through setting it up at moehawck's house when I had to head home. Apparently not finishing the process of setting everything up & logging off sends your journal into some sort of limbo as now I can't get into that account. It's still there, as far as I know, entirely impersonal if you want to see a sad sight of a limbo journal.

So, that is pretty much it. Mleh, consider yourself tagged if you read this and haven't done it yet. ^.~

"Welcome to Hell."

Wed, 10 May 2006 20:56:46 GMT

So, life's been interesting. And ~~trying to muffle and strangle me~~ busy. School needs to be over now. Like now now. XP

Weekend: Kentucky Derby party. I could write a whole bunch about it again, or spare you the details. Basically started with the guy I wanted to win winning (Barbaro!) then progressed to much funness. Elise and I got to ride the four wheelers and I went across the creeks down to Lake George, which was amazing. And Jazz made me feel loved and was a wonderful boy and forever will be. And Hugh got eaten by a truck. (He's a such a scardy baby. XD) Fun ended around 11, which was sad. ;.;
Sunday I became Jacob's secret mistress. XD Poor Lilith...you'll never know what we do when you're away. ^.~

Monday and Tuesday I had the EOCT for biology, which was amzingly easy. *sigh of relied* Rode Hugh Monday, which was a wonderful lesson even though I was an ugly jumper. ...Flat work was pretty. *hopeful grin* After school yesterday I learned how to operate the sound board for drama, which is squee and yay. So yay! Then I had an awards/scholarships thing I went to. I was given another award for my wolfie essay which was published cuz it was awarded a 'top 10 in state' title. At the least, I'm quite happy about that. ^.^ Today and yesterday the air conditioner in the orchestra was broken (again) so it was friggin' hot. When we walked in, Parkman flatly says 'Welcome to Hell' and everyone thought he was referring to the fact that we have one day to the concert, but he was joking and yeah...it was funny then. *nods* I was nominated for recieving the girl's "Most Likely to Take Over the World" award. XDDD All the awards are going out on the banquet night, which I may not even be able to go to because I have a foreign language awards thing that night too. ...I sorta definitely want to go to the orchestra one more. I just wish I was definitely definite. Blahh. So now it's storming here. Yay. I <3 rain and lightning (duh). I'm probably going to sit outside or something. So <3 for you all.

"No matter how much you try to stay in control, there's less that you can control."

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 22:23:07 GMT

So, teh happenings. Last Saturday, the new horse, Royal, came to the barn. & OMG. He's so amazing~. His canter is so smooth and he loves to work and he does so much of what I need him to do, I can't wait to be able to know his movements enough to be able to ride him amazingly. (He's 17.1-.2 hands while Jazz was 16.3.) When he gets super excited or happy, he goes -Skeeeee~!- and throws his legs around in the air all adorable. Jazz is unfortunately jealous and at first was sorta unloving me, but I kept giving him extra lovings and calling his name out, and today he gave me a horsie hug. *luvluv* I was hugging his face in his stall when he suddenly put all his weight of his head in my arms then nudged over my shoulder and pulled me up to his chest. <333 I felt so loved.

This last Saturday I went to the RenFest with Moehawck, Connor, Hannah, Marquis, and Sara. Twas fun. Looked around, bought awesome bell anlket/bracelet & ear cuff, rode in the massive barrel with everyone, fenced Connor, sorta slept on the way home, awesomely cool stuff like that. Not to mention met Hannah, who called me the 'amazing and magnificent' upon my walking in the room. ^.^ Was much much fun. Sunday I hung out around the house and was productive...cleaning, homework, that sorta stuff. Then I met Tanya over at Youth, which was also amazing except Jacob couldn't come. *pats Lilith* We played a random awesome game where one person has to get through the maze of 'head hunter' people with only the guidance of their team behind them when the head hunters are trying to distract them and make it difficult. It just made a lotta sense to me and such, so I loved it.

Monday was schooly...only thing out of the ordinary was I free-rode with Jazz, 'cept it was a lectured free ride cuz Heidi is in town. *hugs* Then Jazz E. hugged me again, only with my right arm over his shoulder, his neck arched over me pushing me toward him, and my left hand on his muzzle. *more luvluv* Then yesterday was sorta a collection of bad things, only made worse by the fact that my computer shut off on me after I typed an amazing post here. ;.; Ah, well. It was rather whiny anyway. x3 Main cool thing was one of my history teacher's previous students, who serves in the marines in the war and just came home, came and showed us a whole bunch of photos and footage from his batallion. Some was fighting, but a lot was downtime. Which was fun. (At one point, they tipped a port-a-potty with one of their friends inside. XD) I was worried today would be bad too, what with a test in every class cept art, which had a project technically due anyway, but actually I felt rather good today by the end of it all.

Now I'm chowing down on pretzels and goldfish. *saaaalt* So <3 and lurvlurv. I should be at a riding lesson but it rained too much. *sad*

P.S. Grem got her glasses today! They look very pretty mah friend! ^.^

"Yes, Let's be British with a man-woman-thing painted behind us."

Fri, 14 Apr 2006 21:05:54 GMT

I didn't go to school yesterday because I had about the worst migrane I've ever had the night before and it hadn't entirely gone away, so I stayed home and was lazy. XP It was a weird, bad migrane as it started with me losing vision in my left eye, so my parents had me go to the doctor. But yep, it was pretty much just an evil migrane. Today was nice cuz we went on a field trip to a local museum place to leanr about chocolate. We also saw an IMAx about the Amazon, so it was fun. Me, Moehawck, and Justin were all in the same group, so twas much fun. Cept now Moehawck is being abducted for the weekend. *cries*
On the bus ride to the museum, we were listening to Moehawck's iPod with a splitter and such and singing, and we'd get relatively loud and some people would look at us like we were crazy. It was fun. Philip turned around at one point and glared like 'WTF?" He was trying to be cool, but it just made me laugh. Ha! I also bought the endangered species chocolate bar like this wolf one my youth instructor gave me once, only this time it was a black panther. So, nothing much else to say.

Yay, weekend!

Random quizzynesses...

Sat, 08 Apr 2006 17:40:57 GMT

You scored as red wolf. As far as your strength goes, you should watch it, cause you really will hurt someone one of these days. but besides that your a regualr teddy bear. you love to cuddle and you just want someone who will stick with you through thick and thin. chnaces are you already foudn that person, you just dont know it yet.

</td>

red wolf

90%

yellow wolf

80%

brown wolf

75%

Black wolf

75%

Grey wolf

65%

white wolf

65%

Silver wolf

60%

Blue wolf

30%

what color wolf are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

curiosity killed the computer

Sat, 08 Apr 2006 17:11:24 GMT

Mood: curious

Yes, I just posted. Heh, sorry... Now I'm trying to make a mood theme work the way I've read it should. *crosses fingers*

Sat, 08 Apr 2006 16:49:31 GMT

So, I got back Wednsday night. The whole thing wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, thankfully. I'm still rather glad it's over. Best thing eveh: Weds morning I was out in blustery awesome cold weather and it was -snowing-!!! zomg, amazing! Irony: got home and it was hot and sweaty. XD, ah well. While the family was eating at one point during the trip I was talking to my step-Uncle Fred (he used to hold me by my wrists and swing my around when I was small. ^.^) and he said he had a violin I could have. Apparently his dad just sorta made it appear outta the floorboards when he was in about third grade and wanted to play. Thus, no one really knows anything about it. Unfortunately it needs some work before it's in playing condition again (new bridge, new strings, replacement of the two of four fine tuners(<----super bad)) and it's about a 3/4 size when I play on a 4/4 but it's still amazing. I'm all enthralled...it's my project violin. I was nosing aound in the loose parts of the violin and I found a piece of aged cardboard-ish paper that has 'cc' painted on one side and '1748' on the other. That's the only identification I can find in the whole thing...and it's awesome! If that violin was made in 1748, I'm blown away. I can't wait to hear how it sounds.

Yesterday I wanted to go see Moehawck but then ended up having a sorta crappy day and just sorta wanted to be left alone so I ran off to the barn to talk to Jazz E. I feel bad though cuz I never got to see Moehawck and sorta left her hanging. *feels utterly guilty* And it'll suck if this whole spring break goes by and I don't get to see any of my hy0man0id buddies. At least she called me from a random parking lot carnival at the mall last night and was having fun, so that's good. And now, I'm cheered up so hopefully I can see her today. *woot*

Barn rambling: Jazz and I jumped 2'6" yesterday, which was the highest either of us have ever jumped before, and it was the second jump in a row. That's also the first time I ever pulled Jazz through two jumps in a row, and the first time Jazz jumped verticles without shying away. It just...the shorter jumps where jumps, but that jump was flying. (>> << There's gonna be some random jumper I don't know who reads this and thinks I'm a dork, but then they don't remember their first flying jump. XP) Speaking of jumping, Moehawck said Dene jump the electric fence to get to the grassier side. XD That's awesome! Dene is now proof that the grass is always greener on the other side.

Finality: I don't wanna go back to school!!! *whimper*

Going up there

Sun, 02 Apr 2006 04:22:09 GMT

My Granny died at about 3 P.M. yesterday, so my dad and I are heading up there for a funeral. (Mum has already been there.) So, blah. I'm pretty okay with it all. I've gotten to see her multiple times since I promised myself I'd see her at least once, I knew this was coming quick, and I know she was ready for it herself. Just everyone else seems to be totally confused and morbid about it. :/ I mean, a while ago she was saying she wanted to die, and everyone basically spazzed. I figure, alright, well, she'll get to soon and then we'll know she's happy. Why spazz? It's not like this was any surprise. People should have come to accept and expect it, like Granny and I were. I guess, just, no one else in my family can really handle death like I can. *sigh* I get to go up there and have everyone wonder what's wrong with me that would cause me to -not- be mopey and depressed. Funfun. Well, hopefully it'll go well.
I've always loved Irish funerals, and their enderlying idea that the person is now perfectly content in Heaven, so everyone is basically supposed to get drunk and celebrate for the dead guy. Course, it's harder to do if the death was a surprise, but if the person lived a long happy life, be happy for them. They don't have to worry about anything. My Granny was a god ole shanty Irish, and I really believe she won't want her family moping for her, so I won't.
There is one thing I'm worried about: mum wants us to have dinner with -both- my aunts at once while we're up there. Eh, no. My mum's sisters hate each other for each accusing the other of supposedly embezzeling money from Granny at one point or another. The older sister always accused my mum of abandoning the family when she moved to California years ago and never forgave her (*coughcrazycough*). So, we always visited the younger sister as there were no hard feelings/jabbing comments from her and she lived closer. Now the only thing they seem to agree upon is the fact that they love to argue over me. >.< Dragged this way, dragged that way, talk to -me-, no talk to -me-, listen to this, sit here, oh stay there. It drives me insane! I've never seen either of them act so immature.
I'm also worried about how my Aunt susan is going to be, what with just losing Oberon as well as her mom. *total mopey images in head* ...XP Aunt Susan is who I'm close to and who I like to talk to and laugh with. I won't like seeing her like this...
So, that'll be like half my spring break. Ah well. At least I got my Jazz E. dose for the day. It was a wonderful day for barebacking. ^.^ Here's hoping it will tide me over.
<3

"I think his goal in life is to be a bird...?"

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 23:36:28 GMT

First off, I'm talking to Cabby for like the first time in foooooreeeeveeeer. <3 Yay!

Horse show = love. Wasn't the best ever, I got really nervous, and Jazz felt he was on the track due to inappropriate bystanders, but I'm still satisfied with it as an experience. We woke up at 5 on Saturday to load and leave. = tired. Still good. I sorta knew it would be an off day once I got on in the warm-up ring, so at least I wasn't surprised.
Most sucky thing: I lost my stirup while cantering one time, which wouldn't have been any problem on its own as I've cantered with out stirrups before, but another girl cut off our circle. That made Jazz turn sharply between the other pair, the rail, and an obstacle, so I fell off in the opposite direction. Wee. I felt like I wanted to fall in a hole and not come out till everyone left. Heidi was all "Is she hurt?" cuz I didn't move for a second and had hit my head, but Karen knew "No, she just hurt her pride." So Heidi laughed. And it was all good. I got back on and cantered again. People were impressed I had actually been able to go around the ring 1 and 3/4 time with no stirrup. I placed 6th out of 7 so I actually ribboned. Yay me. Honestly, I'm alright with it now. I figure you gotta beef it at half the shows you go to, or else you just don't love whatcha do. ^.^
Most wonderful thing: After I fell, this younger girl came up to me and said I was really brave and really good to have stayed on like I did, and it made me feel all warm fuzzies cuz it had just happened so I was still frazzled. I tried to find her later to really tell her how kind it was of her, but I couldn't. *tear* Also, I <3 Jazz. Oh, and this other pretty black thoroughbred was there. And all in all I'm satisfied with it. I came away with a ribbon in every class. A 6th, 3rd, 3rd, 6th, and 5th. The second to last class was when I fell, and the 5th place ribbon was after falling and involved cantering again. I was/am so happy I actually got up, on, and managed to place higher. ^.^ Oh, and I showed Jazz under 'The One Dollar Wonder'!!!!!! XD

So, all that = I <3 Jazz E. boy. ^.^

Normal stuff...hmm..stupid registration for next year was today, and I still honestly have no idea what I did. XD Ah, well. I got a 91 on my biology midterm which makes me squee with joy. I tried so hard for that A. ^.^ In orchestra for the past few days, we were watching random circus movies and Dain kept saying this one freeky guys goal in life was to be a bird cuz it looked like he kept flapping. XD Ummm...other than that, I forget. <3 for the world!

Can't be the truth

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 02:06:17 GMT

Last night I couldn't sleep in the slightest, and it suddenly makes a helluva lot of more sense...

The barn in Rhode Island where my aunt had been keeping her prize, darling horse Oberon caught fire and burned down late last night. All 14 wonderful horses inside died. Just...poof. Gone. I still just can't believe it. I'm seriously in shock...she had -just- moved him a short while ago, so he'd be closer to her house. The barn was new, wonderful, high class. Apparently the wiring for the water heater was faulty... Obe was her baby, like a son to her. He could have gone to the Olympics and done so much more. He was energetic, sparky, beautiful...just a wonderful all around horse. Even if he hadn't had the potential he had for the show world, his personality made him worth so much alone...

I just... I can't accept he's gone.

<3 In loving memory of the wonder, Oberon.

Sun, 19 Mar 2006 01:57:46 GMT

Everything just sucks right now. End of story. I don't want to really go into it, but basically Moehawck's mum got pissed that I talk about Karen and the horses and told me I no longer can. Sorry, but I -won't- accept that. And I won't be pushed around. And I think it's unhealthy how ultimately she controls Moehawck...I hate seeing my friend turned into a robot! *bites lip* Just...I can't take it anymore! Their mum can't expect me to drop everything and be part of their lives if they won't/cant'/she won't let them be part of mine. END. I seriously am being thrown back into the sick, depressed, extremely..-bad- person I was before the horses came around, and it's all over this. Not just this, but what appears to be a problem that has nothing to really do with me or my friend. Yeah, it has to do with her family, but this should not include two effn highschool kids! This type of complication is why kids kill themselves. If the whole thing is gonna be this unhealthy, then according to Moehawck's mum I should forget it anyway ...But I won't. I won't give anything, anyone that satisfaction.

Every single word in these lyrics describes exactly how I feel, and I doubt that'll really ever truly change.

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you

Do you ever want to run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over?

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work
It was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like

To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Hard Times...

Sun, 12 Mar 2006 16:53:16 GMT

I have to read this book for history and I procrastinated (story of my life) so now I have like seven days to read it. All in all it's easy but some sentences go on forever. Nya...

Once again I'm not getting any sleep...which sucks. XP Life is blowing up. I just feel like I don't even know what I should do to keep myself sane and like I'm watching my dad fall apart right in front of my eyes and there's nothing I can do...his back is really screwed and no one knows what will happen, so that's also precluding him from getting another job, which equals income, and just...everything. Blah. My mom's also weirded out cuz her mom is moving to some intense care nursing home and may not be doing well again. So that's them, and I'm the kid. What do I know? *sigh* And I haven't seen or spoken to Moehawck all weekend. I don't know what any of my friend are doing. *sigh* I'm gunna try to run away to the barn some time today so everything will go away...
Oh. And I wacked my wrist again, so I think I fractured it. Again. Or something...But if I say anything then my dad will stop going to the doctor himself, and besides, we're not even sure what's wrong with my wirst, or if it's just screwed. So. Yay for cheery happy post...not. Blah.
Still not talking to you all much...which sucks more. Eventually I'll read all your posts. <3

Sorry for the ranti-ness. Unfortunately this is the way things are right now, so...I'll try to not post anymore only-ranty posts.
Ok, so to try...I had a dream where I visited my brother last night. It was good to at least feel like I got to see him again. Hopefully he can come home soon. ^.^ Anywho, I'll go now. Gutbye.

Ha...</3

Wed, 15 Feb 2006 02:03:57 GMT

So...apparently Nick sucks. I found out today he asked Emily out on Monday. Thanks a lot. My first ever boyfriend turns out to be a total jerk who doesn't even feel bad about anything he did. We confronted him about it today and he just said he didn't ask me out. Sheesh. Just..right now everything and everyone all suck and I sorta wish the world would go die. He hasn't 'dumped' me per se yet, but if we were never going out then how can that happen? I feel really unfinalized about it all now, I just don't want it to end...I know I can never really trust him but I don't want my chance to be over...my chance that never existed. Still he needs to go stay at Moehawck's when his mum has surgery and the like, so I suppose I'm gonna be a dead to the world loser again once all this is happening, just like over the summer. Oh, and how much ya wanna bet he blames this whole mix up on 'Oh, my mom has breast cancer, I'm mixed up right now." Still gives you no excuse. Just...he stared at me today like he didn't know me...and I thought--I was stupid enough to think he actually liked me. I felt bad, I wanted to be there for him, and the same back...just...Now I don't even have the initiative to do -anything-. I just wanna crall in bed and not have to get up. I don't wanna interact with anyone ever again. Let alone trust anyone...or want to trust them. Or anything. Just...God, how could he do this?!

<3

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 22:22:16 GMT

Nick asked me to be his girlfriend on Saturday... :3 I said yesh. (Yep, he's who I've been rambling about. ^.^) I'm just so amazed and blown away that he actually likes me enough to ask me that.

He's meh first boyfriend, and I don't know whether I'm being a worrier, but I so hope it will last. I guess it's just hard for me to trust people, and I really want to trust him, and I'm not used to feeling like that... Now I just want to be able to not worry about school and have carefree weekends with him and everyone. Makes the ski trip this weekend have a downside, but I guess that can't be helped.

But, anywho, as a whole I'm rather happy right now. :3

cough

Sat, 03 Dec 2005 02:50:45 GMT

XDDD Look at the date of this post...in reality, this is Dec. 2nd 2005. That is exactly why dA is hating Moehawck's computer.

Lj's been hatin'...

Sat, 03 Dec 2005 02:47:09 GMT

I tried to post a while ago, but it ate my very long detailed post. To prevent myself from killing my computer, I haven't tried again in a long time. So...yes, I live. Please don't leave meh...;.; LJ is all...different. >> << So, in summary of various events, the horse show was so amazing, I placed in all three classes (3rd, 4th, then 7th), and I really look forward to more. We met Karen's younger sis, Stephanie, and soon we should see her again. ^.^ We've been working a lot in the barn and such...about half a lean-to is up, which is realy good witht he winter rainds & cold and such. Riding has been coming along wonderfully in general as well. I <3 Jazz E. ^.^ School is being stressful and each day shifitng its mouth to try to devour me a different way. 9.9 EOCTs in geometry and literacture next week, consecutively. Both of them are 15% of my grades, yet we won't know what we got on the EOCTs till a day before report cards go out. *sigh* Sometimes I hate school...The only good thing is it makes me draw. ^.^ Except now I have a bunch of pictures to finish/post. I tried earlier (I'm at Moehawck's) but dA hates her computer and won't let us sign on...and photoshop won't load on my comp, cuz it hates meh. Other than that, I've been addicted (unhealthily) to meg4toky0...it's scary how much I'm like Largo. Moehawck is a Piro, which makes it more hilarious. XD

Oh! My icon is the first picture I've ever drawn (and colored) on a tablet. I <3 it much. Soon enough it will be on dA...soooon. XP Anywho, I'm gonna go now. ^.^ <333

Long time no post...

Tue, 11 Oct 2005 02:17:44 GMT

<3 all. It's been, what, over two weeks now? Let's see, I've...

survived to orchestra camp, horseback ridden, schooled, been schooled, completed homework, studied, tried to study, sketched, read, fretted, discovered 'a kite is like pudding' (XD geometry), slept, eaten, ermmm.....well, that;s all the exciting stuff. I've given up on posting a post of doom on this one...been too long. That's the gist of it all though. ^.^

Now there are...*dramatic* less than 5 days to the day of the show!!!!!!! w00t! And our orchestra concert is in 3 days! *gasporz* I'm so excited. Hopefully my padres will let me ride every day this week, except concert day though. No time. I really hope we'll sound good on our concert day though. *crosses fingers*

Saturday nigth was the homecoming dance, and it was fun. I got quite a few compliments on my dress which made meh a vurry happy wolfie. (It's aqua and has little sparkles on it...for those who don't know, two weaknesses of mine are blues-greens and shiny stuff.) I pretty much danced most of the time...I never realize how much I love to dance until I go to one. ^.^ A bit of the time was spent eating the chocolate fountain. w00t! I'd seen them before but never been able to eat from one. It was amazing. It's like a decorative water fountain only with liquid chocolate. Whoever invented that = rich. XD But anywho, danced one slow dance with Max cuz he's meh buddy. Moehawck danced a bit with Shadow then we all just sorta danced with the mob of people most of the time. It was so fun, expecially when I got past the crowd part. They all just sorta became people having a good time to me rather than a lot of people, then it's all good. It was well worth it, and I'm really glad I convinced myself to go, even if it was the last minute. (I'm good like that.)

Yesterday I went to a pow wow with Moehawck and her family. We got to listen to Kris speak and tell stories and play her flute and it was awesome. I've alwasy loved the flute music, so it was really awesome to hear her own story about that. Afterwards we browsed around and I bought two necklaces. One is a full pody wolf made of pewter and all shiny and...*darts eyes* my bling. XDDDD Never again though...so...commit this to memory. Or something. (This week on...-It Came From the Pow Wow-...) The other is a turqoise coyote and is beautiful and an anti conformist. (XDD D0 n0t questi0n.) I'm really glad I finally got a nice piece of turqoise, and on a neclace, especially since Ms. Di told me about the meaning and such. (Turqoise is to remind you of where you came from and of your entire journey, from here to before to back to the stars. It's been an ancient Native American tale for ages, and just recently scientist people discovered the color of the universe is turqoise. <---gives shiver-up-the-spine-ish-awesome-feeling, heck yes.) Then we got French Vanilla coffee. *slurps*

Today was...weird for me, to say the least. I've felt rather distant and just...well, I'm simply letting myself worry too much...At least, I hope it's too much...I worry it really isn't, but there I go again. The only times I can forget it all is when I'm dwelling on dreams, lost in music, or soaring with Jazz. The first of them really isn't all that good cuz it only makes me remote...er..*sigh* The others are good though. Today after my lesson I clung around Jazz E.'s neck and just sorta cried...He'd turn his head and look at me with his soft eyes simply like 'I'm here.' I know I never can let myself lose him. Only I may have to if everything starts screwing up. No one noticed (horse proofing the barn...again), which was good cuz I didn't want to talk about it. Hopefully things can get better soon.

Also after the lesson Moehawck and I kept leaping onto Dene and just sorta flopping onto his back. Moehawck didn't have much luck though...her pony is big on her. XD (*pats* s'ok purple y red kitteh) I kept just sorta flopping there cuz he's snall on meh. It still took some practice though. then I had to leav. ;.; But I'll be back tomorrow, so it's cool.

Nothing else now except...well, no nothing. ^.^ Hopefully it won't be two weeks before I can get back here.

My orchestra...

Sat, 24 Sep 2005 12:18:28 GMT

...can kick your orchestra's ass.(<--jk ^.^) XD Though we don't sound perfect now, I really hope/think we'll get into some statewide competitions. Maybe further. *crosses fingers and pats violin* Te advanced orchestra -does- sound perfectly awesomely amazing. Just makes your jaw drop. Whitney, Loren, and I determined we should all go to Kentucky (our marching band left for there yesterday) and be a marching orchestra. (Our little clinic-teacher-person told us she sometimes has her students walk to the beat of the song while playing. XD)

But yes...all this orchestra nonsense is brought on by the Orch Camp which was yesterday from 6PM-9PM and now today from 9AM-5PM. 9.9 I love playing music and the like, but there is only so much you can do all at once. After about the first 2-3 hours I have a feeling it's gonna get raaaaatheerrrrr slooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooww...*sighs and dies* I won't be able to concentrate a lick after noon. Last night at about 8:30 I kept zoning out. And I'm missing a horse show for all this, ya hear! *shakes fist* If I wanna zone out, I will...*grumbles* Last night we were also doing all this crazy stuff, including stuff with shoes, and Mya put Emily's shoe in a locker she though belonged to Elizabeth but upon closing it realized it didn't. Then she couldn't remember what locked it was in. Did you know the about 80% of the lockers in my school are rigged?? Only the one we needed open wasn't...It was sorta funny, in reality. As Erin pointed out, it's nothing big, it's simply a shoe. What are people gonne do with it? Besides, we can get it back when school starts up again. But Emily was rather distressed over it all...dun know whether she was just bothered or what. *shrug* Lauren ended up finding a crowbar (WTF, in a school XD) and getting the locker open though (after Mya broke a pair of scissors trying to get it open XD). It was all really, really, hilarious (except for the whole some-people-are-stressing-out and look!-a-teacher-is-comin parts).

One more thing before I eat brekkers!!! In order to SAVE ENERGY the governer requested school getting called off on Monday and Tuesday!!!!!! My county agreed! W00t! -->for no school, and for people making more sense when it comes to natural resources. Andandand! It might be like that -every- week until gas prices go way down. ^.^ Nifteh!!!!!!! W00t for 3 day weeks!

Brekkers now! <3 to you all. <333 to those of you who need/want it and to those who don't have energy saving policies for you school systems. ^.^

Trust the toad!!!1

Sun, 18 Sep 2005 19:44:34 GMT

Went to see 'The Brother's Grimm' on Friday night and frickin loved it. Kitsune and I were squeezing the life out of each other's arms the entire time, but we didn't know why. XD By the happy end-y part we just sorta looked at each other and Kitsune whispered 'Why are we still holding arms??' XD It was great. There is a wolf in it and I think he looks awesome for a fairy tale wolf. They -nearly- got the legs right! *does happy dance* Yay for golden wolves. But yesh, I fell in love with the movie and dialouge and such. Some very neat stuff was slipped in there, and it was a definite benefit to know the original Grimm fairy tales. (psst...the movie makes more sense that way...*nods*) Kitsune wants to buy the sound track, but I don't know if I'll get to. Then Grem had her berfday more and it was all awesome. *does more dance*

I'ma dork so I watched X-Men again last night. XD I'm too obsessed for my own good. But it makes meh happy. <3? Drew more...hope to finish arts today so my dA won't die.

Apparently Delta not only filed bankruptcy but stopped paying the half of the retirement that they pay over time to retired employees...now my da's all fretting over that. He told me he didn't want to worry me or anything but we may have to move to one of our rental houses (cuz remember, my da runs that joint real estate business thing with Roger) cuz those are entirely payed off. -.- Sounds like if it came down to that we'd move into my original house in Tejas...but we may move to MS with Rog...(btw, Roger is fine, only a tree fell down and destroyed his house's roof and upper/ground level. ^.^ So fun *coughsarcasm*...it's pretty cool though cuz he already is rebuilding it (he built the house in the first place.) Also, their rooms and most important stuff is all in the basement, so nothing really valuable died.) I'm faced with the same dilema of wanting to move somewhere but..not at the same time. Also it looks more and more like my dad will have to take the Japan job, only he said if he does he'll probably, realistically just stay over there for the three years of the contract...even if he came home when he could, it would truly only be about equvilant to three months of the year...but it's looking like there is nothing else for it. Also mentioned I may have to go to college in this state...get a scholarship and the like...told me I could look at student benefits in other places and compare when the time comes.

Everything is just plain up in the air for me at this point. I rather hate it. There's nothing I can do though...it's so dang frustrating. It's maybe why I like my own litle worlds so much. Heh...<3 you all. I'm sorta upset now, but it's better than hiding it all away. *sigh*

AWA is next weekend, which presents a problem as I'm supposed to observe a horse show next weekend as well. Hopefully I can talk to Staid about going to AWA on Sunday...thus booking up my entire weekend. x.x I dun like the way this is turning out cuz I sorta havta go to the show and to go to AWA I havta spend the night at Staid's...I'll work it all out later...for now I'm furroughing my brow -way- too much.

I think my life's about to change...

Tue, 13 Sep 2005 01:16:11 GMT

o.O

My dad got a job offer..........in Japan. Sure he still has to go through the flight simulator to prove he is a safe pilot to this company, and he has to tell my mother, but.......I know he loves Japan from when he used to live there....And he said I could finish school there.....or we could stay here. We've been...toying with?...the idea of moving for a long time, but this is.....different...ish.

I'm not sure if it's good or bad.

No, no, no, it's no where near positive, but some part of me, the part that longs for adventure, wants it to hurry up and be my life while part of my clings to what I have. Still a lot to work out...just sorta stunned right now.....

Never ending, ever building pile of crap

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 21:06:04 GMT

All the stuff I have to do is described in the title. XP Thus, crap is not necessarily bad. Anywho...

High school is...good?, but definitely busy. I have two friggin tests tomorrow which I've not...or barely...studied for. One of them may be the only test grade in that class this 6 weeks...*sigh* I'll do the best I can...so yeah, that's the reason I'm not a horsebackriding today, and the reason I hve time to get on the computer (don't analyze that statment...). So...let's see...

With Jazz (oh! Correction, btw...his name is actually spelled Jazz E. ...my bad), I've been working on 2-point and keeping my legs in the right posititon. It's all getting really really really important now because Karen is taking us to a show!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!oneuno!!1! (<----that all deserves to be there) A real actual show to be in! I'm excited beyond all reason! It's in the middle of October...about 8 more lessons to go and 8 more practice rides to go! *squees her head off* I believe next weekend we are going to watch a show so we can see what will be expected of us and discuss it, then we'll start (hopefully) video taping our lessons to compare. I just...can't wait! Eeeee!!! Only now my mom is being all anti-horse and my dad is all supportive. *sigh* Parents are confusing.......but, anyway, they can't stop me now!!!!!!!!! Haha! I said I would. ;P Yesterday I had a practice ride and Jazz E. spooked on me for the first time...a rabbit or something was near us in the woods. I managed to stay on, which is pretty good (999 times of falling of to go before I'm a pro!) and a bit of Rosco P. and Coal walking around with us kept it away. Sat in 2-point almost the entire time...didn't realize how sore my ankles were till I went to jump off. I had to sit with Jazz for a while otherwise I knew I'd fall upon hitting the ground. XD Tomorrow I go for another lesson and if I study well enough that I feel comfortable with the material about an hour before 8 P.M. then I get another practice tonight. (Little voice in my head: well then, what are you doing on the computer??) Well, I'm on the computer cuz I miss you all. ;.; Even though I can't get on AIM it's still good to use this. Right...?...<3

Now for meme crappy time...it seems like so many decisions I make have a hidden wrong in them...I finally get happy about something and it starts going wrong...I feel like crying a lot of the time but never shed any tears, so it's just like they all build up on the inside where they're never noticed by anyone but me...It just sucks! I finally get this big joy again, I'm not just a shadow haunting my house, and now it turns out to be a stupid choice...why does this happen to me, eh?I also can't talk about it really...cuz it's just the things you don't really talk about...then when you do no one gets you...Part of it is I feel homesick...but I don't know what home I'm looking for. My hoodie that I always wear is forest green, and I always think of California when I see it...and the last time I wore it I felt really badly whenever I looked at it...thinking about my sister and my brother and all...I haven't even ever lived in Nor Cal, though I have considered it...Anyhow, however lame that sounded it's all I could figure from the feeling. I also keep only wanting to sleep, nut couse I tired but because I want to keep dreaming...it's like I don't want to wake up to face this life of mine( in the long run I know I do, so don't intrerpret that any bad way <3). I'll wake up early refreshed and the like, look around me, then grope through my mind for the dream I had...then hours later I'll actually get up. I've given up trying to get my parents to understand I'm not 'sleeping in' cuz...I'm not sleeping. I'm dreaming. And then this current crap...horror...shit just comes and adds to it all. I just...don't know what to do.

I'll stop now. Don't worry though, buddies. I'm not suicidal or drpessed or anything crazy like that. <3 I know life has cycles and this just must be my rough part of it. I'm just down, and have this horrible problem of not really being able to open up about it and can easily shove it all away like a coward. Like now, making it worse when it reopens. I know some stuff should be shoved away in order for people to be healthy, but this I know is the type of problem that shouldn't...yet I do. And I can't help it. So I'm finding my fake sunshine and standing in its light. I'm healthy, I know this is the right cycle of my life, and I can convince myself to wait it out and deal with it all at the appropriate time. Besdies, I believe I've got you buddies.

Now, don't feel sorry for me or anything...I want you to be happy from this point on!

Artseseses: The good about art now is I have about 6 pictures I'm working on. The bad is I'm working on all of them and I have barely any art time. They'll (hopefully..if they don't fade away...) be done soon enough though. *crosses fingers* Double good news for Hoss: I drew your picture today! Yay! Probably won't be done for at least a week though, but it is sketched! ^.^

Now..I can't think of much else to type. Guess I'll type when something else happens! ^.^ Oh, change that! Dad just got back from the library with The Darkest Hour!!! Yayayayayay! Now I have another distraction to deal with tonight! Hmmm...read or study? That is the question. ^.^

Boredom kills...

Sun, 04 Sep 2005 20:27:47 GMT

I feel crappy...not like sick crappy, just crappy. Mother was being belligerent this morning again, so we ended up fighting again...I began wondering if the neighbors could hear us. Ah, well. dA had their meeting at Dragon*Con already...I don't know if I'll be going to it at all...Ahhh...I don't know what to do...if I don't do to D*C then I guess I'll try for AWA...*sighs*

Squee! I drew a picture of DJ Jazzy! It looks purdy. ...Never again...anywho, I haven't draw horses since...about...begining of middle school? -ish?? Now that's like...3 years. I like the way it came out though. So yay! Gonna color it and post it to dA. (Psst...I do live on there, really. I posted something today to prove it. No worries Hoss. ^.^ Ah, and your picture will be coming! Just, I wanna wait till a nice/nifty/spiffy pose appears in my head so I don't have to do another like the last one I did for ya. Pwease be patient. <3) In coloring it, I'm going to experiment with scars and such, cuz he stillhas all these marks from being whacked for/while racing. *cries* I won't go into that right now...

So, yes...that's me right now. Probably gonne fiddle around in my room some...doodle more. Tried to call some people I know who are at different schools but they didn't answer. Makes me saaaaaaaaaaaaad. Anywho...going swimming soon. So yay! Goodbye. <3