Through Rose Coloured Glasses

stuff

Wed, 18 May 2005 03:11:21 GMT

I bought an ipod mini, 6gig - it's nice and silver
does anyone know how to remove songs from itunes? Because any kinda help would be muchly appreciated.

I had a thought today, well it's been brewing in me for quite some time, but finally surfaced tonight when I went out for a smoke on break during class. There is this really beautiful quad in between a few buildings and there is a metal sculpture, and wrought iron staircase, and just nice scenery. So as I was wandering around taking it all in, I looked up, at a tower building (couldn't have been more than 10 stories or so) and there pointing right down on me was a surveillance camera.

York was watching me. SO then enter the discomfort that comes with the awareness of a camera on you. Any kind of camera. Being aware of cameras when we should not be worrying about them, but instead busy with day to day life (and not molding ourselves into who we want to appear to be infront of the lens) becomes difficult with the realization that there are lenses infront of you everywhere you go.

You can't just be yourself. You are always being watched. So how does one live, if it is clear that no one is truly themselves upon awareness of the presence of a camera, how do we live? There is no sense of honesty in life then if we wander from room to room, from one machine of observation to another, like lab mice. Our priorities become what we want the watcher to think should be important to us. IF we were plannign on dropping that chip bag on the ground, we walk the extra few steps to the garbage, preventing the camera to think less of us.

I counted 5 cameras from that one until i got home (mind you i wasnt really paying intense attention to finding them).

SO that's just something i've been thinking about, and would like to persue. THe constant state of subjectivity forced onto humankind, to the point that we are no longer able to be honest about who we are, for fear, or at least for knowledge that someone is watching, judging, deciding.

There is no freedom if there is no free space.

Did I mention that I'm engaged?

www.eglintongrand.com

where we plan on having our reception.

and also i'm tired.

and then there were none

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 05:33:57 GMT

Just had an obsessive, i'm too tired to think straight moment.

Sometimes I hate computers, really they are a tool for the pathetic cultureless leeches of our society who suck information, and the life out of ya before you even knew what hit you. Echelon is bullshit. How about some privacy? I am angered also by society's acceptance of such a blantant tool for government surveillance, and in this open acceptance has come a widespread dependency for day to day life.

sigh

I want to run away and live in a tree.

ALSO

I went to my first ever fashion show tonight downtown. It was at Ryerson, and lots of fun. Gord came with me, (he's a lot more supportive and tries to be much more involved in my cirlces than I give him credit for). MY friend from highschool graduates from Ryerson fashion in a few weeks and we went to her grad show, it was awesome. We went out to eat and chat afterwards, it was tres fun - It was nice to see Natatlie again, and the fruits of her labour.

I have 2 art shows coming up, one is at a pretty well known gallery and I was asked to be involved, I didn't apply. It is a pretty big deal. Although there is only 1 work of mine showing, (it is a group show) I am flattered beyond belief and super excited to be involved. I'm hoping someone will buy the painting, as I've spent many many many hours on it, adn could reasonably ask for $1000 and get it.
I am desperate for cash.

the second show I entered, and was accepted, however I only submitted photos, and they wrote me back asking for some of my paintings as well. (I got the emails for both shows on the same day, so needless to say I was flying).
Now i just need to bust my ass the next few weeks (though i'm done school) to get my portfolio up to par.

summer school is looking more and more like a drag every day - but at least I'll be done for good in august.

did i mention the apprentice program i'm going to get involved in? Yeah I've sort of resolved within myself, that although teaching can be fun, it's also monotonous, and frustrating (so i'm not sure if i want to teach). Instead I'm going to be a photography assistant (get hired over summer, after completion of training course) and then I hope to work in the industry for someone for a few years, until Christine, Lori and I can open our own place, adn strike it rich. Although I'll do well for myself even being an assistant, if it's for the right studio.

ok alex, enough with the rambling already, go to sleep beeotch!

ciaociao

back from retirement

Wed, 09 Feb 2005 00:35:47 GMT

wow it's been a very long while since I've bothered to write anything here.

The time off was well worth it- not only that of course, but I also had a crazy insane semester from sept to dec, and didn't have time to sit and reflect on my days, or life.

(But now that I've got a nice and easy semester I can sit and reflect all the hell I want).

I thought it would be interesting to prove it to myself that I wasn't as lazy as I thought I was - (i realize it's an awkward sentence, but don't care). SO I took 6 classes last semester. Anyone who's in University knows that can be academically dangerous. But 4 of those classes were studios (most artists take 1-2 studios a semester, I had 4, the workload was unbelievable).
I also kept working at black's through all this, and volunteers 2 mornings a week for a highschool so that I could get some hours (and a letter of recommendation) for teacher's college.

I also made time for my boyfriend, who is amazing as always (though in different ways than before, as we continue to grow as a couple).

i'm such a flake, but really it's true.

I found out not too long ago that a former friend of mine is pregnant, and her boyfriend does not support the pregnancy at all. Instead he has told her that he thinks she trapped him by getting herself pregnant (the very notion of that is absolutely senseless; firstly how does one get themselves pregnant? secondly what young girl would want the inconvenience of children unless absolutely ready?) So he's being a completley insensitive prick (mind you I have never met this guy), but she has no support from him, yet is going to abort so as to rectify the relationship. (please keep in mind that all of this is second hand information, for as I have mentioned, I do not speak to the girl anymore). I can't believe it, first off, clearly the relationship is fucked (and doomed for that matter) if you find yourself being forced into abortion, to the point where no amount of sedatives from the abortion clinic can calm you down so you must reschedule the procedure. Secondly, what kind of person is that? Tells his girlfriend she trapped him by inpregnating herself? Yeah, that's key husband material and the kind of person any girl should really spend the rest of their lives with. WHAT AN ASSHOLE. Although I guess it's more unbelievable to me that she is putting up with it, and not standing up for herself, and doing what's right for her, not catering to the whims of some strung out loser. Much as the problems the girl and I had, I still can't help but feel for her and wish desperately she will somehow be able to find the inner strength and determination to get through this without the excess baggage of a selfish boyfriend. take this moment and be selfish.
also the grapevine has mentioned that the girl recently had a pap smear which discovered abnormal cells in her cervix. This is a precursor to cancer. There is only one preventative measure (one for sure fool proof way) and that's to remove the uteris. SO she is going to abort the child within her, and then have to hope against hope that the cells can be scooped out rather that her losing her fertility all together.

Can you imagine being pregnant, being pressured to abort by the man you love, and then find out that you may never again be able to conceive? at 22 years old?

shit is fucked.
my heart goes out to her, and I hope she'll get through it ok.

Despite my (firm) belief that in today's day and age there is really no such thing as an accidental pregnancy. (sex ed, and safe sex awareness is far too widespread for any north american to plead ignorance and not know what to do - it's just plain laziness that prevents people from being safe, and staying unpregnany) watch for saying that i'll get pregnant. SO regardless of my opinion on pregnancy and say getting climitea 3 times (someone I know, did) I still think her's is an unfortunate situation, for at least she wanted, and was taking steps to be prepared to deal with it, have a family.

The emotional turmoil must be unbearable.

ok alex enough.
ciao.

when will people let me decide for myself who I am? is that why i'm always so confused? read on.

Sat, 09 Oct 2004 04:17:35 GMT

alex. says: brb
Mike says: ok
alex. says: so i got stoned for the first time in a year, on friday
alex. says: and now my whole perception is all fucked up - like everything around me is different
alex. says: i did it cause i was mad at gord and didn't know what else to do
alex. says: blah, i have to go to the bathroom.
alex. says: i'll be back soon, again.
Mike says: lol
Mike says: hey getting stoned is not a bad thing, it helps relieve stress... at least that's what i tell myself
alex. says: gord hates it
Mike says: really, why?
alex. says: i didn't tell him i was a pothead when we first started dating
Mike says: lol
alex. says: i think it's just the whole dependency on substance thing
Mike says: i see
alex. says: i quit smoking it, because i didn't want to tell him i was a pothead, and went all straight
alex. says: then i told him what i gave up for him
Mike says: and he said you should of given it up anyways?
alex. says: and he was like "that's the one thing i can't accept, is drugs - if you were to get back into it, i'd break up with you"
Mike says: oh damn, i see
Mike says: and you need the weed?
alex. says: something that made it very serious that i shouldn't be doing it.
Mike says: yeah of course
alex. says: honestly, i was just really feeling like shit, and i didn't know what else to do - i still have pothead friends (most of them i ditched, but there's a few) so at the bar, i found a few people who would smoke me, and i got so stoned, and loved every minute of it.
alex. says: that's the guilt thing - I LOVED IT SO MUCH
Mike says: that's not a problem an don't feel like it is
Mike says: smoking pot is an escape from reality
Mike says: i'm not condoning it, but it helps
alex. says: which falls back to u adn ylva in windsor - you didn't get to do anything that you wanted for her, and now i'm feeling that - but realize that an addiction isn't really something that i shoudl pursue.
alex. says: but why can't we just face reality?
Mike says: i hear that
Mike says: the reality is smoking pot feels good, and i tell you something from experience, don't let anyone tell you what you can ande can't do
Mike says: you'll regret it like i did
Mike says: and still do
alex. says: but it's drugs, mike
Mike says: true
Mike says: and you shouldn't do it
alex. says: for the past year i was doing so well - my grades went up (i got 2 A's)
Mike says: nice
Mike says: than leave the drugs alone
alex. says: and i was actually disgusted by the thought of ever smoking again
alex. says: then something went off in my head
alex. says: like
alex. says: i've got so much anxiety...what the fuck will make it stop?
alex. says: blah
alex. says: i dunno
Mike says: hmm, sex is a good way to stop anxiety
Mike says: for me at least
Mike says: i lost 90% of my friends because of drugs
Mike says: there are plenty of other things to relieve stress
alex. says: yeah but i've been a druggie as long as you've known me
Mike says: true, but you know when to stop and you have
alex. says: good point - but what if i can't handle it?
Mike says: just don't do it
Mike says: put thethought out of your head and leave it alone
Mike says: drugs isn't the answer

windshield wipers slapping time I was holding Bobby's hand in mine...

Wed, 29 Sep 2004 01:56:49 GMT

I love Janis Joplin.

Infact, you might go as far as to say, I think I am Janis Joplin. Ok so I sort of stole that sentence, Mallory was drunk on Saturday, no it was Friday, and was going on about Madonna, and I couldn't stop laughing (I become overly into whatever emotion it is I'm expressing, when I'm really tired...) anyways, so I kept on laughing because Heather and Potts put on a bunch of songs on the Juke box and one of them was Vogue. Which apparantley was dedicated to me (I don't get it) but Mallory thought it was the greatest thing ever, adn told us all how it was her song, because she's Madonna. I wonder how Madonna feels about that. CORRECTION - I think I'm happy that I haven't been dead for 30 years. HOWEVER I am not happy that I didn't write those wonderful songs I'm listening to on loop.

I thought this summer was stressful with all the school work, adn not really getting a summer thing (between school and work etc.). Turns out I just forgot what it was like to be in school 5 days a week, plus have a job -plus have a tonne of homework all the time - plus volunteer 2 mornings a week at a highschool. I've been going since 930 this morning. I had class at that time. THen I came home (got home around 4:15), had 5 minutes to change because I had to fight rush hour to get to Ajax and make it in time for work. now it's 9:30 and i'm doing homework. I don't care what anyone says, that's a long day. And for the most part, all of mine are similar, and that won't change until january.

need help.
need assistant.
will pay with sex.
(gord will never have to know - ok i joke).

You know what's funny? Regretting things, or wondering if you made the right choice about leaving certain people out of your life (and the whole 20 million pounds of accompanying drama thing) then running into one of them and learning that this person is still a pothead, and on academic probation. This is someone you respected, and almost even looked up to. Then hearing that another one is currently studying hard at a bird course for those who don't know much.

Ok really I've wasted too much time writing this, I need to research.

i hate my life (but will love it in April when I get that damn diploma).

ciao

it's funny because i just forgot my username

Wed, 22 Sep 2004 05:54:13 GMT

i just thought i'd ramble

every once and a while, when I should be sleeping, but can't bring myself to do it
i go to sarah and/or erin's journals, adn read the shit they put up there. Mostly the stuff about me (oh come on, like you wouldn't) but it's funny that no matter how many times i read the same line calling me shallow, or whatever it happened to be in that sentence - it still makes my blood boil. Even considering who's saying the words (although i guess "no you're shallow" isn't much of a retaliation, but they are...) Anyways, it's just funny that i keep doing it to myself. Cause after I calm down a bit, I get kinda sad, because those 2 dumb trailer parkers actually meant those words (as best they could given their edumakatons). Why can't I get over this? I got over Georgina a lot faster, didn't I? Or did i just replace missing her with disliking them? Or...what the hell is my problem?

I think it's that I keep reading it over and over - thus refueling, now who's the dumb one.

on a happy note, I've been deathly ill for the past 5-6 days, today was my first day out of the house (to go to work) since last Wednesday, first day NO FEVER. You know what can make a person crazy? Watching tv and lying down doing nothing for 5 days. Today I spent a large part of the day sleeping - it's funny that I can't seem to get enough sleep from this thing. I'm on antibiotics, btw. I have a sinus infection.

got the pictures back from Dominican - cost $100 (and that's with my 50% discount) Gord thinks I'm crazy and went WAY overboard with the pics on the jeep tour. I can't help but agree. I mean really how many different shots of palm trees does a person really need? argh. I know it sounds cheap (keep in mind i'm broke, and last paycheck was 350 - which i've already spent over 100 of, and then i still have books and painting supplies and a phone bill and bay card and master card adn visa) but i hope gord gives me some money for the pictures - i made him doubles of everything.
i hope i hope i hope, but i'm not going to ask.

ok everyone out there, it's 2am- i have class in the morning, adn if it wasn't so damn hot i'd be sleeping...i'm gonna go try again anyways.

ciao.

ps. i'm not shallow, they are!!! :) :P the funny part was when they call themselves sexy, obsessed about tanning adn shoppign at walmart, and told each other that their respective boyfriends are hot. SO which one of you is Paris and which one's Nicole - actually I know the answer to that - Nicole's got the substance abuse problem, so Erin, step right up.

Sat, 18 Sep 2004 04:42:01 GMT

is it just me or is this journal really really boring?

i was reading a few entries on the 2 others that came before this one, and wow was I ever more into it then, mind you I'm a lot more busy now...

I read this line from one of them that stuck with me

"it's hard to be angry and profound when you're so busy being in love"

makes sense.
I can be a smart woman sometimes.

random bits to compinsate for no updates

Thu, 16 Sep 2004 17:00:13 GMT

-Heather met this really great guy, I was so excited for her. And also for myself because it gave me more couple friends. Then weird stuff started happening - he may or may not have lived with a cult for 6 years, and he may or may not be a coke head.
Heather is single again, and that's all I'm saying on that.

-Went to Dominican Republic for a week with Gord, and Christine adn Peter. Wasn't happy to have those couple friends along on our first vacation. Which I guess I never got over, and didn't have the amazing time I'd been looking forward to. Still had a great time though. Beach was nice. Got ambushed by sand fleas, it's gross, and I can't stop scratching. I got a prescription to stop the itch. I have a nice tan. Got sick while there - throat issues and insane congestion - need more rest to build up immune system to fix it.

-Went to school for 3 days (after taking off the first 2) and now have 2 days of classes off, due to the Jewish holiday. Catching up on shit.

-Have my favourite prof in the whole world for colour photo, so I am super duper excited. She's awesome, talented - and the most accomplished professor I've had (best artist resume...she even worked in commercial photography). Love to be studying under her.

-my throat hurts.

-I am volunteering at Saint Mary's starting next week, in the art department - with this teacher who never taught me, but volunteered in my classes when I was in highschool. She's awesome. And my retired guidance teacher from highschool did all the work. Loved Mr. Hanna for 5 years in highschool, love him even more now.

-I have never been so busy in my entire life. Between school adn work and gord and friends and now volunteering...i don't know when i'll sleep. at least work is not giving me a bazillion hours so that i can't keep up.

-i got an insane high osap loan. which means i can afford car insurance, which means mom and dad are probably going to buy a car for me. nothing fancy - infact the one they're looking at is insane old, but only has 80k so woot woot - i'll be driving everywhere.

time for me to stop the madness

until next time.

update

Wed, 25 Aug 2004 14:22:32 GMT

My grandfather died a week ago yesterday, as a result the past 7 (actually 8) days have been terrential. Mood swings all over the family, no one sleeping enough. My poor grandmother. He was such a good man.

We leave (by we I mean Gord, Peter, Christine and I) for Puerto Plata in just over a week. (SATURDAY THE 4th of SEPT) early morning flight, which is fantastic because then we get the full day to enjoy it there. Gord and I went clothes shopping yesterday to get some stuff for the beach.
It's embarassing - I bought clothes for specific occasions that may or may not occur there.
EG). -For walking around the beach and hanging by the bar shorts (daytime)
-dancing at the dicso skirt (nighttime)
-walking on the beach capris (nighttime)
-checking out the street party skirt (nighttime)

I feel like Becky Bloomwood. Infact I'm pretty sure I'm her North American counterpart. (People read the shopoholic trilogy).
The good news is that I was able to keep my daytime outfit spending to a minimum due to my having about 60 sarongs and enought bathingsuits to last a lifetime.

Got this weird sick thing 2 days ago and had to call in sick from work (BUT I NEED CASH!!!) I think it was from going to the beach with Gord on SUnday and the wind being very cold, and me not getting enough sleep - so immune system was weak. I slept almost all day on Monday as a result. BUt I feel better.

Went for a massage yesterday and I'm in pain from it. My insurance finally accepted the coverage, meanign that they approved it. SO I got a bunch of stuff from the chiropractor (a support pillow, and obusform for the car) and can start booking massages as well as chiropractor appointments. The lady that massaged me wasn't very nice though.

I'm tired.

Gord and I had a lot of fun last night.

but I gtg make breakfast.
i love days off work.

ciao

insult to injury

Thu, 12 Aug 2004 21:45:45 GMT

i just wrote an insanely large entry about my terrible week, and then it didn't update when i clicked - update. instead it disappeared.
i'm so MISERABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
argh.

cause sometimes all a girl needs is a pedicure

Thu, 12 Aug 2004 21:44:10 GMT

What an insane rough week!!!

I'm an emotional wreck from it all, well that and the fact that sleep has been difficult (see aformentioned emotional issues as to why).

It started with Gord being too tired to come out on our unofficial 1 year anniversary. Ok I realize that we have 2 anniversaries, (a month apart from each other) but I didn't think it was that big a deal to celebrate it. I mean at least see me that day. He didn't even remember that we had plans. I was very upset, needless to say and cried a hell of a lot, and felt very miserable about everything.

THen the next day Christine calls (I'm exausted from crying for a large part of the night) and is in attack mode. Got mad that we didn't invite her and Peter to Puerto Plata with us (we booked it last week, I can't remember if I wrote about it or not). SO it was ridiculous for a while, adn I really didn't have the patience, or will for an argument, especially something so stupid, adn besides I didn't think they'd be coming anyways because it was my understanding that our package was full. unless they upgraded to the VIP area which was a lot more. SO I was clear cause they weren't coming anyways. hahahah...alex so stupid.
Meaning that I just let her vent and lied about being pissed at her and blah blah blah.
So I tell her to try and look around still if they are that interested in going away (apparantley Peter's booked it off work and all). I mention Itravel2000
she looks there
they book
at $200 less per person than us.
i was hysterical
oh yeah and by the way, there is absolutely NOTHING different about what our trip versus theirs - even the same fucking flight. Well except $400.
So like I said, I was pissed. IT was already starting to dawn on me how little money I had to begin with (how the fuck was I going to pay for this trip? Especially considering that I dropped $121 at MAC the day before when GOrd was tired).

good thing i'm seeing a therapist.

Right so I called our travel agent and tried to get a price adjustment and all - it didn't work (I even cried, nothing).
So then the other problem with this situation came clear. Peter is insanely territorial with Gord. He likes to make it look like he has full control (of his best friend?) so this means testing me by pulling Gord away. To me this means that GOrd and my first ever vacation away together which I can't even afford, is going to be a waste because his possessive best friend is gonna keep dragging him away from me.

and I'm gonna be stuck with his show offie, over talkative girlfriend.

I cried and cried.

By the way all this is just in a nutshell because Heather's on her way over to pick me up, we're going for Pedicures - it's her birthday tomorrow (well b-day party). she's having a 2 night blowout thing - starting tomorrow with a limo ride to yonge and eglington, then back to her house where the party will continue until sunday.

too bad I'm working saturday morning...mind you hanging out in the country with a 40 of beer isn't my idea of a good time (ok that's not what happening, but still - I don't like the country drunken ish anymore). But I am going to the bar tomorrow night.

ok i won't write of the rest because i need to fix my makeup.
:)
i'm ok now anyways - just that a very ignorant customer made me cry today, but I've been pretty close to the edge all day.

ciao.

take that rewind it back

Thu, 05 Aug 2004 23:54:50 GMT

I love how I keep getting so compelled to write, and have nothing once I hit update.

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Gord and I went away for 3 days and 2 nights over the long weekend (with our busy schedules it was amazing that we were able to pull it off). We went up to Midland and stayed in a Bed and Breakfast, it was so cute. The house was beautiful, and the town, quaint. We didn't do much to be honest, walked a bit - sat on the dock, stayed in the room and talked. It was very soothing, and I've seen him every day since, and missed him a lot since. We spent the last day at the beach, which was also pretty nice.

Now he's on his way over and we're going to book a vacation tonight leaving a few weeks from now. I wish I could tell him how broke I am, but it's my stupid money habits, and I see how badly he wants to go, adn I want to go too, it's just gonna be really tight for the rest of the month, and if I don't get osap I'm screwed. The most terrible thing happened a few hours ago, I was on the phone with a travel agent and she told me of this awesome (and i've looked so i know how awesome it was) deal that came up, and then I was trying to reserve 2 spots so that I wouldn't lose them - we were just in the process of reserving when the offer sold out. I WAS SO MAD. I told her to call someone and tell them they can't have it. but i was only have serious.

anyways i'm kind of panicking right now because the pickings are very slim, and i want to get the very best I possibly can for the money (which I will given that gord was a travel agent, and that i've done more research for this trip than i've ever done for school).

hehehe

by the way i'm back in therapy. Seeing buddy once a week, he's really great.

gotta go get gord's dinner together, later lassies

colorquiz again

Wed, 28 Jul 2004 12:24:37 GMT

Your Existing Situation
Uneasy and insecure in the existing situation. Needs greater security and a more affectionate environment, or a situation imposing less physical strain.

Your Stress Sources
Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and to bridge the gap which she feels separates herself from others. Anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to explore all its possibilities, and to live it to the fullest. She therefore resents any restriction or limitation being imposed on her and insists on being free and unhampered.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Exacting in her emotional demands and very particular in her choice of partner. The desire for emotional independence prevents any depth of involvement.
An unadmitted lack of confidence makes her careful to avoid open conflict and she feels she must make the best of things as they are.

Your Desired Objective
Preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting nature, whether erotically stimulating or otherwise. Wants to be regarded as an exciting and interesting personality with an altogether charming and impressive influence on others. Uses tactics skillfully so as to avoid endangering her chances of success or undermining others' confidence in herself.

Your Actual Problem
Fights against restriction or limitation, and insists on developing freely as a result of her own efforts.

Your Actual Problem #2
The fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her to play her part with an urgent and hectic intensity.

back in therapy

Wed, 28 Jul 2004 12:07:46 GMT

After months of confusion and emotional rollercoasters, and more then enough urging from Gord, I started seeing a therapist again.

He's nice.

On the other hand, I totally lost it last night and was hysterical at Gord's house and he almost broke up with me from frustration (because I wouldn't answer anything he was asking) His mom came in (this is around midnight)well I should say out, because at this point he was yelling at me outside on the driveway. She told me to sleep there, adn that both of us needed to go to bed, we all talked for a few minutes and she made me tea. She is a very sweet woman.

I'm exausted right now, it's 8am and Gord just dropped me off at home, he's late for work (because of me) and after being up since 6 going to sleep as late as we did, I don't know how he has the energy to even drive.

sleepin.............

on second thought

Tue, 20 Jul 2004 03:30:38 GMT

hey did i write about how dan's been in europe since april or may?

got a msn message from him from poland.
this explains the no phone call back, or text message back.
do i believe? I dunno. Do i care? not all that much. I guess besides the fact that it's interesting.

he's too much for me.

i failed an exam like i've never failed anythign in my life before, tonight. i didn't understand anything from the entire unit. i just can't grasp this bullshit on nuclear energy and atomic chemistry and blah blah blah. all i can remember is uranium 235 but i have no idea why it's important.

anyways so i was studying before class (or intended to) and i'm reading everything (trying to) and nothing made sense. nothing at all. the only thing i understood was that trynoble (spelling??) was in the ukraine.

so i go to write the exam, and it's multiple choice. It was like a joke to me, because i knew there was no hope for me, a few of them i don't even think i read the whole question. i had no justification at all for which letters i chose, it was like....hmmmm, i'm feeling the letter C right now, I think i'll check that one off.

ridiculous.

I'm pretty sure i was laughing as i wrote it.

oh yeah and the conclusion to teh jamie/mel story
was that she told him what i said. he belittled the entire thing (said he forgot and that it was only 1 kiss...funny how i seem to remember making out for 3 hours...) but anyways... he also somehow conveniently forgot to tell me that he had just broken up with his 16 yr old girlfriend a few days earlier. (story was that they broke up and got back together over the course of a weekend - thing is though that he took me out the 1st time on a wednesday, i remember it like it was yesterday)

ok bottom line is that he lied to both mel and me. i hate his guts. but i really like mel, which is sad, cause i could never be friends with her - afterall i made out with her boyfriend while they were going out. and he's a liar and totally dishonorable, adn as far as i'm concerned a sorry excuse for a person (who tells another girl he's in love with her, sleeps with her then moves in with their girlfriend? sounds like somethign sarah craig would do - skeasy!)

the only thing is that i keep on having to see him, he comes in to work ALL THE TIME. he's so ugly, and annoying and his voice gives me shivers. SO MUCH HATRED!!! even when he smiles i find it repulsive. and am so ashamed of myself.
but it doesn't matter cause i'm going to be married in a year.

there was something else i wanted to say about it but i've forgotten - mel is still super nice despite all this - i think she's really cool, real solid.
what does solid mean?

70's show is on

cheersch

nothing

Tue, 20 Jul 2004 03:12:44 GMT

feeling poetic

with nothing to rhyme

thoughts i scramble

while the a/c keeps time

in love

and nothing else

desperate

for a scrap

of that

good ol'meaty compositions

i used to invent

but instead

i'll go watch tv.

everyone needs to bookmark www.colorquiz.com

Mon, 19 Jul 2004 04:31:43 GMT

Your Existing Situation
Defensive. Feels her position is threatened or inadequately established. Determined to pursue her objectives despite the anxiety induced by opposition.

Your Stress Sources
Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the herd. This desire for preeminence isolates her and inhibits her readiness to give herself freely. While she wants to surrender and let herself go, she regards this as a weakness which must be resisted. This self-restraint, she feels, will lift her above the rank and file and ensure recognition as a unique and distinctive personality.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Circumstances are restrictive and hampering, forcing her to forgo all joys and pleasures for the time being.
Clings to her belief that her hopes and ideas are realistic, but needs encouragement and reassurance. Applies very exacting standards to her choice of a partner and wants guarantees against loss or disappointment.

Your Desired Objective
Longs for tenderness and for a sensitivity of feeling into which she can blend. Responsive to anything esthetic and tasteful.

Your Actual Problem
Wants to be valued and respected, and seeks this from a close and peaceful association of mutual esteem.

i didn't write it - actually it's literary voyeurism

Thu, 15 Jul 2004 21:53:56 GMT

Do you hear the rain
I want to turn off the computer
and call you to tell you
how it's raining
in the green centre of the day,
late afternoon thundering open
like heartbreak-
like we imagine-
but you are another illusion
so I keep on typing

____________________________

I found these words amoung the notes of a girl from class
who was covering me for the lecture i missed
I felt guilty reading it
but was moved by the words.
(i've since told her)
ciao.
ps) the rest of the story will come later - i'm in a rush, but you've already got the good stuff on mel and jamie anyway.

Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them!!!

Thu, 15 Jul 2004 03:18:31 GMT

Cool wallet.

Ok, so Black's is as wicked cool as it always was until my manager morphed into MEGABITCH. I was so happy to be back, I've even been talking nice to the people that I couldn't stand when I left there, but I'm on a general all around happy streak.

EVIDENCE?

Well there were a lot of new staff who had transferred from other stores. I see this girl starting her shift, so I ask her her name and she says "Mel"

a light goes off in my head

Ken Potts (who is that guy I used to date Jamie's best friend, who also had a brief encounter with a friend of mine, and who I see and hang out with from time to time)
told me (when drunk) that Jamie had a girlfriend named Mel who worked at a Black's in Brampton, and also that the 2 of them were moving in together in Durham (the store that I work at is in Durham, not Toronto).

So as soon as she said her name was Mel, I made all those connections, and guessed (correctly) that she transferred from Brampton so as to remain employed after the move.

Firstly, Jamie really hurt me, he strung me along, and well let's not open any wounds, but I was not excited to be working with his girl due to old feelings, and I guess bitterness. I did not want to start anymore drama at work either, I wanted to be nice and get along with everyone. I wasn't sure how that was going to work considering my new coworker.

SO I tried to play nice (given the increasing panic rising within me). We made small talk, and it came out pretty early on that I knew her boyfriend (I didn't come right out and say it) But then I also didn't tell her EXACTLY how I knew her boyfriend, all I said was that I had a class with him (which was the truth). SO again, to be nice, and try and calm myself, I asked her how long her and Jamie have been together for.

she says 2 and a half years

ding

new light goes off (the panic one)

I dated Jamie less than 2 years ago, and him having a girlfriend perfectly explains why he blew me off the way he did.

HOLY SHIT

now what the fuck do I do?
This is my first day back at Black's, I've been there for maybe 2 hours, and I've already become surrounded by drama.

I don't tell her.

I figure best to calm down and consider everything.

We really hit it off, the two of us (we even look alike - which clearly shows Jamie's particular taste in women) and personality wise we are also a lot alike (except she's 4 yrs younger than me).
So I see Jamie that night (he comes to pick Mel up, is waiting in car) and just wave as I walk away and whatever (I try and pretend that I didn't care at all - when Mel couldn't believe that I knew him, adn knew her friends and got all excited and all).

So I see her the next day and try to get out of her what Jamie said about me, and all he said was that "she's a nice girl". I'm glad because I was sure he would shit talk me so that Mel would stay away from me and that the oppertunity for me to tell her about what happened would never come up. But instead we spent our whole shift together, talking (to the point of customer neglegence) and got along splendidley. I really really like this girl, I don't often click with females the way I've clicked with her.

The whole situation is so fucked up.

So then we work together a few more times, I like her more and more as time goes on. I see Jamie once more - he comes into the store, I am friendly (I say hi with a smile - then walk away, couldn't handle being near him - too uncomfortable).

SO yesterday the 2 of us go out for our customary cigarette, adn we are sitting on the curb gossiping about mutual friends (Potts basically). It comes out though (i already knew some of the details from potts) that Jamie had some girl confess her love to him, but the way potts told the story, jamie told her he loved her too. This was this past February. When Mel and him were already planning on moving in together, and they were very much together for a long period of time. shit.
Well Mel tells me that Jamie actually slept with the girl that night. (the day before Valentine's day he cheats on his gf, and then takes his gf out for breakfast in the morning - WHAT AN ASSHOLE).
she's going on about it, how it was hard, and made them stronger, adn blah
when i interrupt her.
I couldn't take it anymore
this girl is here confiding in me, and i made out with her boyfriend while they were going out. (allow me to reiterate that I didn't know Jamie had a girlfriend at the time).

I tell her.

stay tuned till tomorrow night for the dramatic finale to our tale
(I'm fucking sleepy, adn tired of typing)

ciao.

finally

Thu, 08 Jul 2004 04:38:42 GMT

SO I don't know if I wrote about it or not (and am seemingly too lazy to check first) but I'm going back to Black's. I quit the job at Fairweather (after 2 shifts - nevermind that they weren't reliable for hours, on top of the suckiness of the work). So I start at Black's the day after tomorrow. I'm excited because the bitch manager has left, all knew management is in power, and my old assistant manager does all their work for them, so she got me hired without me even having to go in and meet the managers, or drop off a resume.
wicked.

THe other wicked thing is that I have an interview tomorrow with the Conservatory Group they are a big design company. I'll be working in the design centre again - doing pretty much the same shit that I was doing before. (I don't think I wrote about the shadiness of the other company GOLDPARK...but I'm not there anymore) so yeah, the pay isn't as good at conservatory (start is $10/hr), but i'll be hired as staff, and not just temp. SO it's good for the future, like when I graduate and need a full time job. I've never not gotten a job after an interview.
so i may as well just start bragging about my hot new design job.

I had a pretty good day actually, considering I went to bed at 4am and am usually miserable the next day when going to bed that late. (I went to kariokee with the girls and it was insane, Laura wanted all of us to sing Lady marmalade, and so we're all up there and it gets to the Lil Kim part and no one is singing/rapping so i just go for it and start rapping the song. I was so embarassed after, but everyone said I did a really good job, so now it has be day dreaming about being eminem's next big star discovery, hahaha).
so I had to study for an exam (which is tomorrow)
do an assignment (which was due tonight)
go to the dentist
and drop off my passport application (which I figured would take hours)
well everything worked out really well, it started with me getting my gst cheque in in the mail -
then there were no cavities or any dental problems at all at the dentist
then the passport thing was faster than the dentist was
then people in class helped me complete the assignment because i stink at science and have no grasp of genetics whatsoever
then I met up with the groom from the wedding i videotaped a few weeks ago adn got the remainder of the money

everything just went so smoothly.

now the only shitty thing is that I didn't study barely at all.
The exam is tomorrow (and i've got shit to do tomorrow! ie- the interview)
adn it's worth 50%.

boo-urns.

ps.) you know what sucks? unoriginal pointless and boring student films written and directed by sleazebag male sluts who think they are the ish. When really they should seriously consider switching majors.
pps) you know what sucks even more? People who devote so much negative energy to someone/thing they don't even know, or could easily avoid.
(missed u capo)

ciao

when is an excuse an excuse and not just a story one exaggerates for convenience?

Mon, 05 Jul 2004 22:18:54 GMT

lalala

I skipped class again tonight, I'm really tired, really stressed out (grandfather is getting worse - and I dunno, it's upsetting)
i was at the hospital until 2am last night
spent a bulk of the day with my grandmother who had a precursor to a stroke on the weekend from stress from worrying about her husband.
was home with enough time to get to class - my father usually drives me to the bus, I had no idea where he was, so i asked my grandmother to come get me at the last minute - and ended up missing the bus.

I got home and my dad was there and said i could take the van. the van is breaking down - like it's failing, and I don't feel safe driving it, so I refused.
I would have made it in time had I driven myself.

it's no matter because i have someone taking notes for me in class, but i missed last wednesday too.
i'm so tired though.

blah blah blah

my grandfather is really really critically sick.
how do you deal with that? how do you go and visit someone and try to cheer them up in the hospital where they are miserable when you know they are going to die?
is there etiquette?

what a rollercoaster.

ps

Sat, 03 Jul 2004 05:17:24 GMT

has anyone noticed that the angel there
<------------------------------------

has a freakishly long arm (the one holding the cigarette)

I just was looking at the painting, and that arm - it should belong to a giant, I even think the leg that that arm is resting on is very disproportionate to her body.

but i'm always a critic.

i also don't like the wings, they need more definition.

but overall an intriguing work.

nite.

pink diamonds.

Sat, 03 Jul 2004 05:12:27 GMT

it's funny because i have to be up for a long day ahead of me in 6 hours.

it's funny because it's a day that I don't even want to go through -
meaning I don't even want to go.

GOrd's best friend and his girlfriend are thinking of buying cottage property on this island about 1.5 hours from here. SO we are renting this boat tomorrow to go and check it out, and spend the whole day outside. I agreed to this thinking it was something completley different than it was - I thought like rent a pontoon or something, spend most of the day laying on the boat in the sun, roll over into the water - etc.
instead it's bring running shoes to handle hiking through forest and watch for bugs and climb hills etc. no bathrooms, dig hole in ground if you are unfortunate enough to have a nature call and BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
i am so tired, but i think my utter disinterest in how we are going to be spending our saturday has left me unable to sleep.

oh i quit the lousy job at the clothing store (it's a record for me, i lasted there less than 2 weeks). I've been rehired by black's - WOOOOHOOOO i loved working there SO MUCH i just hated the fucking bitchyass manager.

boo

ummmm
OK really anything else i could possibly think of to write is just stalling me from heading to bed, and i'm not only going to hate tomorrow (WHO DIGS A HOLE?) but i'm also going to hate myself for staying up this late and making me this tired.

ok also i got home late cause christine (gord's best friend's gf) and i were making shishkabobs to bring - and i didn't get off work until 10 so yeah it was a late night venture.

ALSO

I feel like such a child sometimes next to Gord's friends - i mean when I'm with him I hardly feel like I'm hanging out with a 30 year old - but his friends are grown ups adn they do grown up things - and I mean i just want to play barbies and wear pink lipstick. I mean I feel out of place, and it's scary really because I'm with someone who will probably want these kinds of things...and i don't even know what I want to be when i grow up.

oh yeah, also we had a serious talk about engagement yesterday.
we've been having them more and more often, but yesterday's was "alex, are you seriously ready for this step?"
he's the only thing in my entire life that i'm sure of.

third time's a charm

Thu, 03 Jun 2004 18:54:03 GMT

I'm not sure what happened.
I'm not sure of anything surrounding the whole situation really, but it is creating this terrible wave of paranoia to flow through me.
And it's funny cause I'm doing just fine, if not wonderfully without them.
But is it the fact that I suspect they want to be without me, that's got me crazy?
Dan won't return my calls, and I don't know why.
I gave in and read Sarah and Erin's journal - and both of them were insulting me again, and telling me that I shouldn't read their journals and blah blah blah. Both still clearly reading mine.
and i didn't look into it far enough to resolve anything other than to freak myself out. But did something happen and maybe Dan is on their side, even though I have no idea what's gone on?
I dunno
I like to constantly have things going on to make me worry.
and it always has to somehow be about me.