| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
Sorry guys I know I should probably use a cut for this for possible triggers but I forget how right now.
Tonight my friend H called me. She has been my best friend for years and years and earlier this year I spent massive amounts of time with her and her mom while her mom was dying of kidney cancer that I had spread to nearly everywhere in her body. It was so hard to watch but at the time, I handled the situation with strength that I didn't know that I had... I think mainly b/c I was watching my friend breaking down and I knew that she needed some kind of strength in her life. Her mom passed away at the very end of Feb... I spent over 12 hours the day that she died in the hospital with H and her family, mostly by her mom's bedside. Her mom passed away 20 minutes after we all left that night. I STILL have thoughts about her mom, how she suffered, how she wasn't taken care of properly by the doctors... thoughts of the fact that she died alone, ect. I mean, it has been haunting me to some extent since her passing. The night that she died, I awoke from my sleep after having a dream of her mom, telling me thank you for spending the time that I did with her on this earth. I know some people believe that the dead visiting them and giving them a message after death is a real thing... I am not sure, but to some extent, that memory gives peace.
Fast forward to tonight, my friend H calls me and tells me that her Aunt B has had a mass discovered in her lungs. Later today they should have an idea if it is lung cancer or not. Aunt B is a heavy smoker and has been for years, she was diagnosed with the start of emphysema several years ago but that did not deter her smoking. As soon as she tells me this, my heart starts beating so freaking hard after several days of being almost completely anxiety free. Then I start shaking, almost uncontrollably. I stayed on the phone with H for almost an hour but most of that time I felt like I was going to lose it. I started panicking at the thought of more illness, more death. I am extremely close to H's family and have been my whole life, including the Aunt B. This is very much like my own family going through this. I ended up pouring myself some drinks, just to avoid having an anxiety/panic attack about it all.
I have had too much experience with death and illness in my 24 years. I feel like i can't deal with anymore. And the smoking related illness hit so close to home... b/c I think I mentioned in another post, but I've been smoking again and all I can think is complete panic situations of "omg I am going to get cancer and die... or have a heart attack, or stroke b/c I smoke". At this point I feel totally done with smoking w/o looking back... smoking again has been making me feel like utter shit anyways and magnifies my anxiety 10 fold. It is just time to put old addictions behind me, especially with recent developments.
This whole death and illness thing, I don't know if I can deal with it anymore. I hope so much that the tests come back with something positive for Aunt B... but it really doesn't look good. I don't know how to deal with my emotions about it.
|
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
_lesleigh_'s Friends Page
proud
contemplative
curious
calm
contemplative