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Begin to Hope

Are you now, or have you ever been, a feminist?




January 26th, 2010

...and 41 weeks later!



I realize that I've been avoiding Livejournal because I knew I'd have to write the inevitable "what's happened since the last update" post..  Well there have been about equally good and bad tings since I last wrote.


After finishing up my college program and entering into the world with hope and naivety, I immediately spent 4 months job search and unsuccessfully staving off depression. I had vowed to to eat healthier and visit the gym with all the free time I had, but it seemed that the more free time I had the less I did anything with it. This led to me watching Dexter, The Big Bang Theory, Mad Men, Dollhouse, Drop Dead Diva in a relatively short time period.


I returned headfirst to Fat Acceptance, vowing that even if I failed to go to the gym I could still learn to love myself and all that touchy feely jazz. Well, that lasted about a week before I immediately realized that I couldn't pass the disconnect I still had with the movement. In the past year, due to depression and stress I ended up gaining over 40 pounds. Which I find very difficult to beleive that is my new set wieght point. I am offically at my highest weight ever,  and am currently battling new stretch marks where there hadn't been stretch marks before. So, when I get dressed or step out of the shower, there is this constant reminder that I have failed. Which of course, has stopped me from contacting people and visiting friends because god forbid they see that I'm fat. This, by the way, is a hard thing to say since I never really felt or beleive that I was all that fat. I knew I was big, but I never felt that I had passed the fat barrier.


I have obtained some sort of work. I'm at a law office, however I am there as a temp. Which means, although they love me and want to keep me around indefinately, they are only extending my contract by two week periods which means I am constantly on edge and my work is being judged and evaluted by several different people. While I realize that I should simply be happy for the experience, especially since that was the main reaosn I wasn't being hired before, that is difficult when basic living depends on that paycheck.


Last year I returned to reading, after completing my English degree I felt only apathy to books since I had spent 4 years manically reading and researching novels. Of course reading had returned the desire to write, but I feel like all I have is one off plots but no actual stories. Which is difficult since I have a friend who churns novels like butter with fantasical original plots that make me green with envy. So, regardless of my own inadequacies, I'm going to peer edit her work and start pushing her to properly format and edit the documents so we can send them around to publishers.


I'd like to say i'm being selfless, but really I like to cause myself as much mental anguish as possible. Which pretty much, seems to be the motto of my life.



April 10th, 2009

Update like Whoa

Last week I went home and found out I have re-gained a ridiculous amount of weight in a relatively short time. I'm now back to my high school weight which is not exactly the direction I wanted to be heading. It's rather ironic that as I'm trying to move forward, this realization is holding me back.

I'd like to attribute it to turning to my source of comfort (i.e. food and sleeping) during a period of my life when I have no idea what I'm doing, where everything is constantly changing, and where I've finally realized that I am an adult.

It's difficult to stay positive if you're the type of person who only treats themselves nicely "when they deserve it". For example, my hair will not be cut until I go out hunting for a real job, or I won't buy anymore clothes until etc. etc.

On a plus side, I've started reading new novels again after almost a year of only re-reading old books. Though I'm not sure if Pride and Prejudice and Zombies counts as a "new" novel.

October 7th, 2008

Paging Karl Jung


This past week I’ve been having these vivid dreams that leave me completely confused in the morning. I’m used to dreaming, but usually my dreams are in chapter-book format where exceed dream proceeds the previous. I don’t usually see a reason for decoding those dreams because it was similar to picking up a book and reading as chapter a night. However, these new ones are stand alone, apparently designed to terrify me.

 In one dream, the primary character was a recurring customer at my work. He’s one of those customers that continually peel off and replace price stickers, and we are unable to contest these changes since we have not caught him in the act yet. In the dream, my co-workers and I were transferred to a grocery store which was still under construction. It was similar to the Superstore in Newmarket in that it seemed endlessly huge. I was trying to figure out how to work the PA system and where items were located when I turned a corner and was lost by the deli meats.

 There by the baloney was that customer; he sat on the floor with an overly tanned- bleached blond woman, who I assumed was his wife. The man looks right at me and says “I hate you. You’re ugly. You’re stupid. You’re mannish”... I’m not even joking; the word “mannish” came up. After he stops berating me he looks up and says “I’m going to kill you.” There’s the sound of a gun clicking and I start to run for the exit. The bleached blond begins chasing after me, but I’m able to lose her in a parking lot. I then spend the rest of the dream hiding in a car in the parking lot.

According to the Dream Dictionary:

Grocery Store/ Market:

"To dream that you are in a market, represents some emotional of physical need that you are currently lacking in your life. You may be in need of nurturance and some fulfillment. Consider the specific items that you are shopping for. Alternatively, the market signifies frugality. 

To see an barren market in your dream, signifies depression and gloominess. There is a void in your life."

To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun, suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You may feel victimized in some situation.

Being Chased:

“Chase dreams may represent your way of coping with fears, stress or various situations in your waking life. Instead of confronting the situation, you are running away and avoiding it”

“The pursuer or attacker who is chasing you in your dream may also represent a part of yourself. Your own feelings of anger, jealousy, fear, and possibly love, can assume the appearance of threatening figure. You may be projecting these feelings onto the unknown chaser. Next time you have a chase dream, turn around and confront your pursuer”


The second dream was the one I had last night. I’m sitting at the computer, going through my bank statements when Carson comes in a gives me the mail. In the mail is an overdue book statement from the public library. Apparently I had taken out an antique map of Ontario for a history project four years ago.  Apparently I owed the library a huge sum of money since it was a price-less map. I spent the rest of the dream looking for the map, but I stuck looking on the back-porch of my parent’s house.

 It doesn’t sound terrifying but I’m been search through all my various old email addressing making sure that I don’t have some long forgotten over-due item.

“To dream of a porch, represents your personality, your social self, your facade and how you portray yourself to others. Consider the condition and size of the porch. In particular to dream of an enclosed porch, suggests of your tendency to distance yourself from others and your desires for privacy. To dream of an opened porch, signifies your outgoing nature and welcoming attitude.”

“To dream that receive mail, indicates that you need to communicate or  re-establish contact with someone from your present/past.  It may also represent messages from your unconscious or intuition. The mail may also be a pun on a "male" in your life.”

To dream that you see or study a map, signifies that you are being guided and led in a direction that will fulfill your needs and goals. It also denotes  a new change in your business which will be followed by temporary disappointments and then stable profits.”

I don't actually believe in dream interpretation, especially since dreams are usually fragments of the days events. However, since these were one offs, it's fun at least to look at dream interpretations, however useless it is.

September 17th, 2008

Alright. So, I think it's pretty widely know that I like to see just how far I can stretch my sanity. I like to be angry.

Now I love British shows. I've caught atleast 3 on HBO today that have just entralled me. In a fit of boredom I switched over to the Women's Network and there it is. The most sanity-damaging, self-hating show imaginable. Supersize v. Superskinny.

Supersize v. Superskinny  takes someone who is obese,  usually someone over 400 lbs and makes them swap diets with someone who usually weighs around 100 lbs. The "superskinny" person get comments on their terrific toned, perfect body that "could potentially be harmful" while the "supersize" gets basically calling a walking diaster. Now I could go on about just this part of the show which takes two extremely unhealthy lifestyles and mashes them together in a Frankestienian horror-show. Actually it gets hair-pullingly worse.

In between the swapping of the diets there are clips of a "fat hating" woman who goes around London trying to skinny (they call it tone) up the population. At the moment she is chasing down people with a "Ban Big Bums" sign, touching their asses, and thelling them that they need to stop sitting around so much. She then, somehow, manages to wrangle a large group of women together to test out a new machine that promises to lift and firm the buttocks. The women are all in white lingerie, and all look fabulous, but this woman goes around calling them "Yorkshire fatties" and commenting on how these women's bodies will turn everyone off yorkshire pudding.

This woman was positively horrified that the average British woman has a 40.5'' ass... which I think she actually means bum+hip ratio. Then she gasps as she learns that the average bum measurement in the room is 41.7''.... How gastly. Those hiefers. How dare they think they can feel good about themselves.

This show tries to gain respect by commenting on malnourishment and cartilage damage caused by excessive dieting but then snickers at the average woman walking across the street.

August 10th, 2008

In a rich man's world

I'm finally starting to settle into the new apartment. I still have lots of boxes to pack and organize but I've finally started painting. Honestly, this is what makes me feel like a grown-up: choosing my own colours and painting wherever the hell I want.... well, to some extent since I live in an apartment.

I've been trying to be more social this summer, which is rather new for me. Usually if something costs time and effort I'll opt to stay home. Probably a side effect of Fatest Girl in the World syndrome. However my budget is now completely out of whack and I'm dreading looking at my VISA bill. Seriously, I wonder if I'd be better off just skipping out of college for a year and working. I do love paychecks.

July 12th, 2008

It starts with a dream...

The Daleks have replaced The Borg in my nightmares. No small feat. I'm working my way through the finale of the 4th season of Dr. Who and IT IS BLOWING MY MIND! Yes, capslock is needed.

Though, I will admit I usually skip watching the specials so I had no idea who Donna Noble was or why the Doctor recognized her. For awhile I confused her with Sarah Jane but realized the mistake.

I've had to take a break from the awesomeness of The Doctor because I just could not handle the awesome. So now I'm watching the more subtle awesomeness of Murdoch Mysteries. It's a detective show set in Toronto in the Victoria era. I thought it would be silly but everything flows together so well- the costumes, the actors, the Irish- I'm rather hoping this continues and doesn't follow the dreaded fate of many Canadian shows. As much as I love the CBC they are rather trigger-happy when it comes to show cancellation.

July 9th, 2008

If I could truly practise intuitive eating then all I would eat is smoked salmon, peas from the garden (still in pod), and either creme carmel or creme brulee.... Ideally this magical combination would result in me looking like Dame Judi Dench in 50 years. Yes, Helen Mirren is hot but there is something fundementally reassuring about Judi Dench.

Currently I am feasting on films as I waste my seldom gotten spare-time. Currently I'm watching Mrs. Henderson Presents, with Judi Dench and so far its delightful, and I'm thinking about returning all the films early to rent Calender Girls again.

Damn I wish Vaudeville was popular. I've been working on a list of movies I'd like to purchase when I come into expendable funds (hah years baby years)  so far the list is at 50 movies, most of which are musicals or classic films. Normally I'd fixate on buying books but I've fallen in love with my library card and shan't be abandoning it.

Also, I shall be making an Angel food cake today since we have far too many eggs. There is an average of 5 eggs being laid a day and I have absolutely run out of room in the fridge.  So I'm trying to think up recipes that use up the most amount of eggs as possible. Normally I'd turn to quiche, but that only uses up 3-4 eggs and lasts like 2 meals.

July 8th, 2008

As I have returned home to care for my sister for the week, I've had to turn to the radio to keep me alert in the morning. Normally I listen to CBC. but at 6am I usually need something that keeps me disengaged but alert. This resulted in my return to Top 40 Radio and its ilk.

Oh my, But how painful radio hosts are. I'm not going to profess to being entirely Top 40 free, but generally I channel change like Superman on speed so that I miss commercials and useless banter. Usually the female hosts of radio are insipid, They are there for gossip news updates, giggling, agreeing with their male collegues, and hosting paid parties.

As I was waking up this morning I heard about a new online feature the radio channel was tested out. It was something that male hosts were shocked and rather dismayed by the lackof audience participation. The male hosts wanted to know why the female listeners were not getting involved in the new "cutie feature".

The new Cutie Feature is where female drivers report to the website where there are construction workers are building and how hot the workers are. Listener's are encouraged to place the work-site on an online map so other women can search out this site and glimpse these "hotties" for themselves. The females listeners are encouraged to also take pictures of the construciton workers to post online.

This is pure, sickening, objectivism. Now, I realize I shouldn't be looking for peace-of-mind or feminism on Top 40 Radio stations but dammit. This is pretty gross. I don't know which part I loathe more; the encouraged stalking, the unconsented photos, or the idea that it is fine for women to objectify men.

Why are there so few women participating in this new Cutie feature? I would like to beleive it is because women know what it is like to be objectified.

Why are there so few female-friendly programming on mainstream radio stations. Is it because the stations are assuming that women don't listen to radio? Or are we just not the preferred demographic...a thought which is odd since most songs on the Top 40 are geared outwards young female listeners.

June 26th, 2008

Stupid moves in Get Smart


Fat is inherently hilarious. This is what I’ve learnt after viewing Get Smart. Rather than Don Adam’s patented antics, the humour in the film relied on Maxwell’s fear of fat and the newfound knowledge that he gained after losing 150 pounds. Instead of the focus on Max’s bumbling pratfalls there is a fixation on his fear of carbs (oh the evils of muffins) which draw amused glances from other characters in the film.



June 20th, 2008

Today at work I spotted an excellent find. The BBC 1980's The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe.

I first saw this adaptation in grade 7, when in lieu of discussing the text the teacher would put on the movie version. What I remember most about that film was not the cheezy special effects or the excessive camera staring but was Lucy.

Or rather, how my classmates reacted to Lucy. While the rest of the child actors were fair and slim, Lucy was heavier with buck-teeth. She stood out, a prime example of a misfit. The moment the class saw her dark complexion and weight compared to the other childern there was an obnoxious sniggering in the room. I distinctly remember boys groaning and shuddering at Lucy. I will admit, I did join in to. The things youth do to fit in. I recall a sour taste in my mouth and an empty feeling in my stomach, not only because this was a child but also because this was Lucy! Lucy was one of my first heroes in literature (though she became quickly replaced by Jill Pole who was more active than reactive IMO).

I had always imagined myself as Lucy growing up and when I saw Lucy being portrayed by an average actress -- a girl who looked like me-- I was dismayed. Ironically, I should have been overjoyed that I could identify with her so, but I couldn't. At 13 I was so filled with self-loathing that I couldn't accept a childhood hero when she resembled me.

Now that I'm rewatching the BBC version I now understand why I could never accept Georgie Henley as Lucy Pevensie. It's silly I know, and it probably doesn't make much sense but rewatching the BBC version makes me wish I had told the rest of the class to shove it. Maybe then I would have carried so much baggage.

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