Begin to Hope

I realize that I've been avoiding Livejournal because I knew I'd have to write the inevitable "what's happened since the last update" post..  Well there have been about equally good and bad tings since I last wrote.

After finishing up my college program and entering into the world with hope and naivety, I immediately spent 4 months job search and unsuccessfully staving off depression. I had vowed to to eat healthier and visit the gym with all the free time I had, but it seemed that the more free time I had the less I did anything with it. This led to me watching Dexter, The Big Bang Theory, Mad Men, Dollhouse, Drop Dead Diva in a relatively short time period.

I returned headfirst to Fat Acceptance, vowing that even if I failed to go to the gym I could still learn to love myself and all that touchy feely jazz. Well, that lasted about a week before I immediately realized that I couldn't pass the disconnect I still had with the movement. In the past year, due to depression and stress I ended up gaining over 40 pounds. Which I find very difficult to beleive that is my new set wieght point. I am offically at my highest weight ever,  and am currently battling new stretch marks where there hadn't been stretch marks before. So, when I get dressed or step out of the shower, there is this constant reminder that I have failed. Which of course, has stopped me from contacting people and visiting friends because god forbid they see that I'm fat. This, by the way, is a hard thing to say since I never really felt or beleive that I was all that fat. I knew I was big, but I never felt that I had passed the fat barrier.

I have obtained some sort of work. I'm at a law office, however I am there as a temp. Which means, although they love me and want to keep me around indefinately, they are only extending my contract by two week periods which means I am constantly on edge and my work is being judged and evaluted by several different people. While I realize that I should simply be happy for the experience, especially since that was the main reaosn I wasn't being hired before, that is difficult when basic living depends on that paycheck.

Last year I returned to reading, after completing my English degree I felt only apathy to books since I had spent 4 years manically reading and researching novels. Of course reading had returned the desire to write, but I feel like all I have is one off plots but no actual stories. Which is difficult since I have a friend who churns novels like butter with fantasical original plots that make me green with envy. So, regardless of my own inadequacies, I'm going to peer edit her work and start pushing her to properly format and edit the documents so we can send them around to publishers.

I'd like to say i'm being selfless, but really I like to cause myself as much mental anguish as possible. Which pretty much, seems to be the motto of my life.

Ta.

This past week I’ve been having these vivid dreams that leave me completely confused in the morning. I’m used to dreaming, but usually my dreams are in chapter-book format where exceed dream proceeds the previous. I don’t usually see a reason for decoding those dreams because it was similar to picking up a book and reading as chapter a night. However, these new ones are stand alone, apparently designed to terrify me.

 In one dream, the primary character was a recurring customer at my work. He’s one of those customers that continually peel off and replace price stickers, and we are unable to contest these changes since we have not caught him in the act yet. In the dream, my co-workers and I were transferred to a grocery store which was still under construction. It was similar to the Superstore in Newmarket in that it seemed endlessly huge. I was trying to figure out how to work the PA system and where items were located when I turned a corner and was lost by the deli meats.

 There by the baloney was that customer; he sat on the floor with an overly tanned- bleached blond woman, who I assumed was his wife. The man looks right at me and says “I hate you. You’re ugly. You’re stupid. You’re mannish”... I’m not even joking; the word “mannish” came up. After he stops berating me he looks up and says “I’m going to kill you.” There’s the sound of a gun clicking and I start to run for the exit. The bleached blond begins chasing after me, but I’m able to lose her in a parking lot. I then spend the rest of the dream hiding in a car in the parking lot.


According to the Dream Dictionary:

Grocery Store/ Market:

"To dream that you are in a market, represents some emotional of physical need that you are currently lacking in your life. You may be in need of nurturance and some fulfillment. Consider the specific items that you are shopping for. Alternatively, the market signifies frugality. 

To see an barren market in your dream, signifies depression and gloominess. There is a void in your life."

Gun:
To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun, suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You may feel victimized in some situation.

Being Chased:

“Chase dreams may represent your way of coping with fears, stress or various situations in your waking life. Instead of confronting the situation, you are running away and avoiding it”

“The pursuer or attacker who is chasing you in your dream may also represent a part of yourself. Your own feelings of anger, jealousy, fear, and possibly love, can assume the appearance of threatening figure. You may be projecting these feelings onto the unknown chaser. Next time you have a chase dream, turn around and confront your pursuer”

 ***

The second dream was the one I had last night. I’m sitting at the computer, going through my bank statements when Carson comes in a gives me the mail. In the mail is an overdue book statement from the public library. Apparently I had taken out an antique map of Ontario for a history project four years ago.  Apparently I owed the library a huge sum of money since it was a price-less map. I spent the rest of the dream looking for the map, but I stuck looking on the back-porch of my parent’s house.

 It doesn’t sound terrifying but I’m been search through all my various old email addressing making sure that I don’t have some long forgotten over-due item.

Porch:
“To dream of a porch, represents your personality, your social self, your facade and how you portray yourself to others. Consider the condition and size of the porch. In particular to dream of an enclosed porch, suggests of your tendency to distance yourself from others and your desires for privacy. To dream of an opened porch, signifies your outgoing nature and welcoming attitude.”

Mail:
“To dream that receive mail, indicates that you need to communicate or  re-establish contact with someone from your present/past.  It may also represent messages from your unconscious or intuition. The mail may also be a pun on a "male" in your life.”

Map:
“To dream that you see or study a map, signifies that you are being guided and led in a direction that will fulfill your needs and goals. It also denotes  a new change in your business which will be followed by temporary disappointments and then stable profits.”

I don't actually believe in dream interpretation, especially since dreams are usually fragments of the days events. However, since these were one offs, it's fun at least to look at dream interpretations, however useless it is.

Fat is inherently hilarious. This is what I’ve learnt after viewing Get Smart. Rather than Don Adam’s patented antics, the humour in the film relied on Maxwell’s fear of fat and the newfound knowledge that he gained after losing 150 pounds. Instead of the focus on Max’s bumbling pratfalls there is a fixation on his fear of carbs (oh the evils of muffins) which draw amused glances from other characters in the film.