I realize that I've been avoiding Livejournal because I knew I'd have to write the inevitable "what's happened since the last update" post.. Well there have been about equally good and bad tings since I last wrote.
After finishing up my college program and entering into the world with hope and naivety, I immediately spent 4 months job search and unsuccessfully staving off depression. I had vowed to to eat healthier and visit the gym with all the free time I had, but it seemed that the more free time I had the less I did anything with it. This led to me watching Dexter, The Big Bang Theory, Mad Men, Dollhouse, Drop Dead Diva in a relatively short time period.
I returned headfirst to Fat Acceptance, vowing that even if I failed to go to the gym I could still learn to love myself and all that touchy feely jazz. Well, that lasted about a week before I immediately realized that I couldn't pass the disconnect I still had with the movement. In the past year, due to depression and stress I ended up gaining over 40 pounds. Which I find very difficult to beleive that is my new set wieght point. I am offically at my highest weight ever, and am currently battling new stretch marks where there hadn't been stretch marks before. So, when I get dressed or step out of the shower, there is this constant reminder that I have failed. Which of course, has stopped me from contacting people and visiting friends because god forbid they see that I'm fat. This, by the way, is a hard thing to say since I never really felt or beleive that I was all that fat. I knew I was big, but I never felt that I had passed the fat barrier.
I have obtained some sort of work. I'm at a law office, however I am there as a temp. Which means, although they love me and want to keep me around indefinately, they are only extending my contract by two week periods which means I am constantly on edge and my work is being judged and evaluted by several different people. While I realize that I should simply be happy for the experience, especially since that was the main reaosn I wasn't being hired before, that is difficult when basic living depends on that paycheck.
Last year I returned to reading, after completing my English degree I felt only apathy to books since I had spent 4 years manically reading and researching novels. Of course reading had returned the desire to write, but I feel like all I have is one off plots but no actual stories. Which is difficult since I have a friend who churns novels like butter with fantasical original plots that make me green with envy. So, regardless of my own inadequacies, I'm going to peer edit her work and start pushing her to properly format and edit the documents so we can send them around to publishers.
I'd like to say i'm being selfless, but really I like to cause myself as much mental anguish as possible. Which pretty much, seems to be the motto of my life.