..My Endless Love..

My Eternal Love


The happiness became sadness as the days dragged on. We were so far apart, so full of hate for the people who did it to us. 'It's their fault' I kept telling myself, I once truely believed it was all my fault. I believed that if only I was a bit more cautious with my actions, if only I thought more about the consequences I would have to face after doing the most stupid things. I carried so much blame, so much self hatred which still goes on in my mind, because I was so stupid, so thoughtless. I should have thought more. We should have thought more.

The nights were so haunting, I couldn't sleep, I still can't. Fear of the dark, fear of closing my eyes, I don't want to face my demons, I don't want to be put through the pain of watching all my mistakes all over again before I can finally get to sleep. I was fed up of dreaming of my love, fed up of wishing for her, praying for her.

I told her she'd be okay, she didn't believe me, either that or she didn't want to believe it herself. I've told her I can't go on many times, but this time it was different, nothing could hold me back, or thats what I thought. Layla came round, I just knew her coming round would depress me a bit more so I called my love, and yet again I managed to make her cry, I got angry at that. I was fed up of making my girl cry, she didn't deserve it at all. So I cut.

And recently the cuts have become so deep, so so deep. I sat making potions with my tears and blood, making bandages of blood, I even made what I call a bracelet of scars there were just pools of blood on my floor, and the only thing my mum could say was 'Don't make a mess on the floor, this is Alex's room too.' My arms were a state, once again looking like they've been in a slaughter house. My blood, a deep dark red, my tears, heavy, ever flowing, faster and faster. 'Surely I must die soon?' They're always my thoughts. I become so cold even when its boiling hot. I called my love again, threatening to suffocate myself, and I did, well I tried. But with her constantly saying 'Breathe baby, breathe' its not something you can ignore easily. I must have been under for at least 10 minutes, I could feel the sweat building up on my forehead, I found it so hard to speak, my words were a whisper, my whisper became a quivering stutter, my stutter became nothing. I stopped breathing for about a minute and a half..

Back to the happiness, we felt whole again. Nothing could ruin us, not this time.. But then the hatred sank back in. Did I really hate her? The things she did, they made me cringe, the things she said, the words went straight to my heart, it felt like a dagger going in and out, in and out. Her words seemed harsh, they seemed cruel and cold. I didn't believe she loved me, everytime she said it it got more and more sarcastic and non meaningful. We needed eachother more than ever, we had so many plans, so many amazing plans that we swore would happen, every single plan got ripped up, right infront of our faces. We're hating them even more now, I can't bring myself to believe that the plans were ripped up because they couldn't 'afford' it. Its a punishment, for doing nothing. We asked for none of this. But then again, maybe I did.

I spent money, I spent over a thousand pounds in 3 weeks. Their money, not mine. I took it all, just to talk to her for a few hours every night, just so I could have a good nights sleep. Just to stop my nightmares. The guilt set in, but it went straight to my head. It fucked me up. I finally realised what I did, I finally realised my consequence and I regretted it deeply. If only we could turn back time. I'd make sure I never did anything like that again, we'd have been together ages ago, and its that thought that really makes me mad.

I'm going to change, but I've said that before, so many times before. I've made so many promises. One day I'll change, and I'll kick everyone who said I wouldn't right in the face and say hah, I told you I'd change. Change takes time, and time takes patience, I just thank the Lord I have a tiny bit of patience in me to wait how ever long I have to wait just to change the smallest but biggest part of me, into a new better me.

My love and I, we are weak as individuals, and I think we both know that we're still as weak as a couple. We just force ourselves to believe we're strong for the sake of it, to save ourselves from the pain of knowing we really ARE too weak. I think my love knows that we really shouldn't be together, not now, maybe in the future. She's just got herself so lost in this love that she thinks she has no one else and she's given no one else the chance to be with her. We have so much going on in our lives right now, we have so many other important things to be bothered about. Not me so much, because I've already failed, I failed 5 years ago. But my love, she hasn't, she has so much about her, she could get so far, she has the abilities, I just think that so many people who have put her down have ruined her will to reach her goal. I can admit that I haven't done my best at school, however, I can admit I do have some good points when it comes to school, I am intelligent enough to go on to higher education, I did have the will, I just never had the confidence to show it, I never have done. Even if we just split till we finished school, I'm in the middle of my GCSE's, she'll be doing hers in a year. She has time to knuckle down and do her work so she gets the grades she definately deserves, I don't, I have no time left. I never did enough work, I never revised, I had too much going on, and now its even worse. I've had so much shit piled on me this year, I don't want her to go through the same as I did. If she could just forget me while she's in her GCSE year everything would be so much better, I wouldn't be so stressy towards her, we'd have no fights at all, and we'd have the qualifications to get a well paid job, a proper job so we could build and live our dream.

The thought of succeeding and living our dream fills me with so much happiness, but so much dread that the same thing might happen all over again, and if it isn't rejection, we'll lose it, our dream will get ripped up right in front of us because we won. We'd have held our heads up so high, we'd not have a care in the world, no one could ever bother us, and all our problems would be forgotten, but maybe not for me. My nightmares will still live on, the guilt has become a scar, the upset and hurt has become a scar. And the fear of rejection has grown on my heart, and its spreading, fast.

I can't wait to run up and down the hills with my love, hand in hand, showing the people what real love is, what we as a couple at such a young age were willing to go through just to make what once was a dream completely real. Show the people what a fake and unhappy world they all live in. I can't wait to sit upon our fantasy hill, looking right into the eyes of the Sunset, watching the bats gliding. I can't wait to curl up with her in bed in the winter, I can't wait to feel the huge rush of love and warmth while holding eachother close down by the sea as the wind gets harsher and I'll cover her eyes from the sea brief as it calmly brushes our faces.

I want to be her partner for life, I want to make sure people know what kind of love we share, I want to marry this girl who I have loved for so long. I want to look back on old photos and letters we both sent eachother when we were so young, I want to laugh at all the times we said the wrong things, I want to sit upon a cliff not wanting to end my life for the first time, I want to reflect on all the memories we'll have. And when we're gone, it wont be the end of the world. The world is ours, we made our world, we created the most beautiful Sunset, we created the Sunrise, we created the Moon. We imagined and invented our hill. We built our cottage. We had such great minds, the greatest of minds which when put together created so much beauty and fantasy it hurt to think about all the things we imagined and created.

I love you so much baby, with everything I have, my thoughts are almost always about you, my dreams are based around you. Your life is my life, your heart is my heart. Your breath is my breath. Your words are my words. We're in this forever, and no one is going to stop us from succeeding in this life. We'll be together till our world decides its time to collapse. We'll not lose eachother on the way. I love you.
You're my girl forever.