urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay I'm just about starving tonight... erica 2008-08-02T18:21:22Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay:51353 2008-08-02T18:21:22Z 2008-08-02T18:21:22Z Time on my hands, could be time spent with you.<br />________________________________________________<br /><br />So, I may be seemingly over-dramatic, but it seems as of late that I'm being ignored. I know that because of what's happened with me in the past eight months, most of you would enjoy to wash your hands clean of me and all the drama I bring with...but I truly hope that this isn't the case, because I love and need everyone...and those few days that we spent just being us, just being kids, were some of the best times I've had in a long while. I don't know how to transition between teen and adult gracefully. I know that I'm in love, and I don't know how to go about figuring out what it is that society would expect one to do...I just know what I want to do, what makes me feel good. I love all of you, and I hope that's reciprocated. Take care. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay:51073 2008-03-26T17:29:19Z 2008-03-26T17:29:19Z I doubt any one will actually recognize this...<br /><br /><br />Cleaning up the oceans<br />Captain Hampton and his crew<br />Trouble in the seven seas<br />He'll know what to do<br />Captain, he hates rubbish<br />To him pirates are just soot<br />Scallywags and scurvy dogs<br />Are crushed under his foot.<br />Captain Hampton, Captain Hampton<br />Ahoy, Ahoy<br />Pillaging the Pillagers<br />Triumphantly he'll sail away urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay:50795 2008-02-11T17:39:50Z 2008-02-11T17:39:50Z Maybe this year will be better than the last...<br />________________________________________________<br /><br />So I've never been one who was too worried about saving face. I'm sure everyone has heard some rendition of what's going on in my life, albeit not from me, but I'm sure you've heard. I'm sure the lot of you have also formed your own opinions about me, and to that, I say okay, you're entitled to your beliefs. It hurts that a couple of people I considered friends have turned their backs to me, without so much as a conversation, but alas, such is life, and I'm over it. I don't want to sit here and write some spiel that will shed insight into why I've been acting the way I've been acting for the past year, or how people change, but I will say that for those of you who I'd like to imagine do/did know me, you'd know that I haven't been happy for a long time. I'm not saying that anyone is to blame here, just that somewhere along the way I had lost a bit of spark inside of myself, and this is the first time I've felt anything close to being alive in months. Forgive me for not being able to turn my back on that. I've been making lemonade for years now, for once I'd like to taste a fruit without the bitter after-math. I hope that in the weeks to come, the dust will settle and we can all find ourselves on some sort of common ground. I find it doubtful, but I tend to look at life a bit more hopeful these days. To those of you who have taken the time to stick by me, I know who you are, and even though I've been awfully flighty, it's noted, and you are appreciated. For those of you who've cast the first stone, you can keep trying to knock me down, but it's not going to work. We've grown apart and that's that. It's sad that you have nothing better to do with your lives than to latch on to the problems of two people that you consider/considered friends. This isn't High School. You don't have to choose sides to prove loyalty, and even if you felt compelled to do so, you didn't have to act so immaturely. <br /><br />And to you, because you've made this such a public spectacle, I'll apologize on this forum. Life sort of tore us apart. I understand that you think I've lost my mind, and you know, maybe I have...but you know as well as I do that neither one of us was satisfied with where life was going, and I chose to play the hand I was dealt. My only regret is not being straight-forward from the get go, but in my defense, every time I tried, you shut me down, because you didn't want to face reality. I never wanted to hurt you, because despite everything you were my best friend. I'm really glad that you are talking to a new girl, and I know you don't believe me when I say this, but this is really good for you. I hope she can be everything that I never was, and I hope that all of your wildest dreams come true. Don't give up on living because you have a lot left in you. You will accomplish great things if you just start applying yourself. Listen to the positive and don't focus on what might have been. You have a lot of love to give, so don't shut the world out.<br /><br />So in turn, I'm done with livejournal. If anyone has anything to say to me that they can't say to me in person or on the phone, feel free to comment. I'll be checking up on this for the next couple of days. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay:50573 2007-11-18T04:28:26Z 2007-11-18T04:28:26Z Don't believe in Modern-Love.<br />__________________________________<br /><br />So here's the spiel. I'm sick as a dog, so don't be too offended if I ignore you for the next few days. <br /><br />I can't believe that it's practically Thanksgiving, and I'm still not in the Christmas spirit. Maybe once it actually snows I'll be there. Here's to hoping.<br /><br />Everyone is so fucking old now. It makes me sick. Although I had fun ringing in Mr. J's birthday. Delicious cake, delicious friends. Yay.<br /><br />You know, I'm super grateful that I've been promoted at work, but waking up at 4am everyday...well it's takes its toll. Boo. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay:50220 2007-09-05T04:35:28Z 2007-09-05T04:35:28Z I walk the streets alone<br />On feeble bones I ride<br />My sins are etched in stone<br />I got no place to hide<br />Well, I was unshakable<br />In what I did believe<br />I feel so breakable<br />But have I been deceived<br /><br />You showed me your paradise<br />And your carnival of souls<br />But my heart keeps telling me<br />That ain't the place to go<br />Well, I'm not invincible<br />So I want you to leave<br />Well, I'm so convincible<br />But have I been deceived<br /><br />I take your words and try them on<br />Yeah, it's a perfect fit, boy<br />You tell me one size fits us all<br />Yeah, like an old straightjacket<br />Well, tell me why I'm so afraid<br />All my words are spoken<br />All my words are spoken<br />All my words are spoken<br />In a stolen prayer<br /><br />I remember yesterday<br />When things were black and white<br />Never thought I'd get confused<br />On what was wrong and right<br />Well, I'm not unbreakable<br />With armour on my skin<br />Well, it's not unthinkable<br />I could be fooled again<br /><br />I take your words and try them on<br />Yeah, it's a perfect fit, boy<br />You tell me one size fits us all<br />Yeah, like an old straightjacket<br />Well, tell me why I'm so afraid<br />All my words are spoken<br />All my words are spoken<br />All my words are spoken<br />In a stolen prayer<br /><br />You steal another minute from my life<br />You cut a little deeper with your knife<br />You steal a little breath from my air<br />And you don't care<br />And even thought I'm chokin'<br />All my words are spoken<br /><br />I take your words and try them on<br />Yeah, it's a perfect fit, boy<br />You tell me one size fits us all<br />Yeah, like an old straightjacket<br />Take this world and try it on<br />Man, you're lookin' good boy<br />Stick your neck out on the block<br />So you won't miss nothing<br />Stretch your finger, grab your hair<br />Don't you feel like screaming<br />Feel the blood rush from your veins<br />Now you're a perfect zombie<br />Now I'm down on my knees<br /><br />All my words are spoken<br />In a stolen prayer<br /><br /><br /><small>Sometimes you think you have the future completely figured out, and everything you desire is only one fine day away. Suddenly, as if by force, you wake up-and you begin to see life with eyes open.</small> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay:49946 2007-08-21T17:26:15Z 2007-08-21T17:26:15Z I hope you're waiting.<br />_________________________<br /><br />Another work-week has set its pace, and I'm left feeling snowed.<br /><br />On another note, last weekend was fantastic. Sometimes singing really crazy karaoke songs is enough to fix even the most dire of aliments.<br /><br />Fall is on the way, time to keep a sweater in the back-seat, just in-case things get chilly. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay:49670 2007-08-10T01:15:39Z 2007-08-10T01:17:06Z You bleed just to know you're alive.<br />_______________________________________<br /><br />I really enjoy cooking, especially when people around me enjoy the finished product. I do believe my hands will smell of garlic and onion for the next four days, but hell, being elbows deep in raw meat is quite the relief of stress. <br /><br />I think I may finally have become used to working the morning-shift. It's not as hard to be in bed by eleven anymore. Besides, a lonely afternoon cat-nap on a melancholy day is my new best friend. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay:49415 2007-08-04T01:59:53Z 2007-08-04T01:59:53Z Let me know just how you feel.<br />______________________________<br /><br />Sometimes...without even realizing it, the winds of change are upon you, breathing the force of movement down your spine-as a warning, that there indeed is something along the horizon, that a change <i>will</i> come your way. <br /><br />Is this the calm before the storm? Truthfully, I don't know. I know that for the past couple of weeks I've felt slight despair. Maybe a fork in the road would be a more suitable explanation-but I won't allow myself to be hasty. Every action has its consequence...be it good or bad, and I don't have the mental strength to weigh the situation against itself today.<br /><br />In retrospect, everything <b>is</b> okay. This mostly adds up to my being unable to fully settle. I'm so fucking restless. I feel so lost sometimes. Is it wrong to say that I feel taken advantage of? Is it selfish to say that for once I'd like something to fall back on that was actually stable?<br /><br />If we don't speak, why must you speak of me? If we are not friends, does this make us enemies? This is something I've been pondering for awhile now. Maybe...just maybe, there really is no gray-area in life. No middle-ground to stand on. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay:49292 2007-07-15T08:04:37Z 2007-07-15T08:04:37Z Where the mess was made.<br />__________________________<br /><br />It's still sort of strange. Lord knows it's hard to pretend like you don't know someone, when the truth is, you really <b>know</b> the person. You know them to a tee-and well, vice-versa. At first I wanted to flee, but I'm glad I stayed. I'm glad that despite everything, we had fun. We had fun. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay:49080 2007-07-07T06:36:38Z 2007-07-07T06:36:38Z If you have a hammer and a vice.<br />_________________________________<br /><br />So this week has been a very splendid surprise...in every little aspect. The basement wasn't as hard to demolish and rebuild as I had originally assumed. Ric's birthday party was a <big>HUGE</big> blast...and best of all, there was no drama. <br /><br />Maybe July will be better than I had anticipated. Sometimes the best things happen when you least expect them. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay:48675 2007-07-01T07:22:37Z 2007-07-01T07:22:37Z Fade away.<br />__________________<br /><br />Back to the grind. It was an easier progression than what I had figured it would be. Cynical me, couldn't find the silver-lining if I wanted to. <br /><br />Seems like June has been a shitty month for just about everyone other than myself. Here's to hoping that the remaining two months of summer bring brighter days. <br /><br />Speaking of brighter news, T & L are heading to Traverse City this week. It'll be nice to finally get my living space situated-and make the basement a nice place to be. I can't wait until everything is finished. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay:48440 2007-06-17T06:55:25Z 2007-06-17T06:55:25Z I'll be your long lost pal...<br />______________________________<br /><br />It's funny sometimes how life sneaks up on you. How one day you wake up and you realize...I'm simply not mad anymore. As I'm sure a lot of people who have graced my life have witnessed, I was such an angry person. I was envious of everyone who cared about me, and I did what ever I could to make everyone who cared about me feel as small as I did inside. The quote "misery loves company" is a very accurate portrayal to the human psyche.<br /><br />Today I turned twenty-two. From what I can recollect of my twenty-two previous birthday's, this has been the first in which I felt truly happy. Today, I realized that I have friends and family who honestly love and care about me. For once, I haven't tried to stifle that. For so long I was so dead inside that I refused to accept any positive attention, and therefore, the demolition of past relationships was generally rendered by my own hands. Although I know if this epiphany had been stumbled upon a year or so sooner, my life would be greatly different-and yet on the same token, I have absolutely no regrets, other than the pain that I have caused others. I think a person reaches a certain age where they find which people they <b>honestly</b> feel comfortable with, which is why a lot of High School friendships fizzle so quickly after graduation. I used to think that I wasn't attractive enough to be taken seriously...and compared to the females I used to associate myself with, that very well may have been true. I have learned however, that the grass is always greener. No matter how perfect one may seem, you will never find a soul who is fully content with the hand life has dealt them; and with this realization, I know now that it never had anything to do with what I looked like on the surface, but more-so the darkness that lingered beneath my skin. I'm not ashamed of being the girl who laughs too loudly in public anymore. I'm okay with being the girl who is referred to as funny, rather than pretty. It doesn't bother me anymore that I'll never have a good hair-day, and I'll probably always be at least forty pounds over-weight. <br /><br />I see now that myself as a person, really has little to do with the bigger picture. That my character and views aren't as much a reflection of my past, but more a collection of those around me, and the massive influence that they've had. Everyone has taught me so much. Friend or foe. <br /><br />The crux of this entry is to thank the people in my life who have stuck by me, thick and thin. I know what my reckless behavior and devious tongue have put you through. I know that to almost everyone, I've been your best-friend and your worst enemy. I'm hoping in the future I can be more of the first and less of the latter. I'll never be perfect...and because of all of you, I'm okay with that. For the first time in my life, I am at peace with myself. I am at peace with myself because of all of you. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay:48226 2007-06-16T18:35:35Z 2007-06-16T18:35:35Z <small>To anyone who is interested:<br /><br />Do not eat chocolate-mint cheesecake at 2a.m., after consuming a rather large Margaritia...because if you do, I promise you, you will be burdened with the trotts come the morning after.<br /><br />-That is all.</small> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay:48073 2007-06-16T07:08:44Z 2007-06-16T07:08:44Z <big>Thank you, to my lovely friends. I had a fantastic evening.</big><br /><br />Here's to hoping that 11x2 isn't as bad as I had originally assumed. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay:47676 2007-06-15T07:15:42Z 2007-06-15T07:15:42Z They're free to fly away...<br />___________________________<br /><br />Let me just start by saying that the past two days have been a much needed break from work, and a fully welcomed stunt of time spent with my boo, birthday shopping. I cannot believe that in two days I am going to be twenty-two years young. I love that I'm saying "years young" as though I'm turning sixty. Oh well, I've always been ahead of my time. <br /><br />I'm really in the mood for cake. (Hint-hint). Maybe, just maybe...if I'm a really good girl, someone will bake one for me...&lt;3 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay:47468 2007-05-31T04:25:26Z 2007-05-31T04:25:26Z I think I'm doing okay...<br />_____________________________<br /><br />So going back to school is going to take a little more time and effort than I was originally willing to put forth, but maybe this is a test of my dedication. Lord knows, I can't stick with anything...<br /><br /><br />In other news, If you are an overly anal person...it's probably not a good idea to have a jiffy frosting fight in a Church parking lot. Sticky would be an understatement. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay:47306 2007-05-16T19:14:41Z 2007-05-17T11:30:32Z When the storm would come and show it's worth...<br />_________________________________<br /><br /><br />Monday was the picnic. Thankfully, everyone was able to come. All the food was eaten, and a good time was had. Despite a couple of issues toward the end, like usual everything worked itself out...and just in the knick of time for that matter. We all decided it would be cute to act as though we were eighteen and go to Drahner Road. It's pretty hilarious that it still has it's scare tactics. Ric was super brave like always but Me and Heather almost pee'd our pants, but what else is new? ;). Justin and I thought it would be fun to play "ding-dong ditch" with some of the houses on the road, which was all fun and games until the "witch" spotted us from atop her bedroom window. I don't think I've ever witnessed a gay run that fast. There's a new plan of action for the next trip, we <b>will</b> break into that slaughter house, lights on or off. Balls to the wall and all that jazz. Shit...we're a regular bunch of Paranormal Investigators. <br /><br /><br />So next weekend is Memorial Day, which means we'll once again be lugging a cooler around, but this time it'll be to the blue shore of Lake Huron. I'll be counting down the hours until I can freeze my tits off in the icy blue... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay:46871 2007-05-07T07:17:32Z 2007-05-07T07:17:32Z <small>Does a <i>Fuzzy-Navel</i> constitute as a proper breakfast?</small> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay:46805 2007-05-06T06:34:35Z 2007-05-06T06:34:35Z I don't get scared no more...<br />_______________________________<br /><br /><br />So let me tell you something...<br /><br />Casino's are great, especially when you win eight dollars. Food is expensive though, so be sure to fill your gullet before leaving home. Drinks are free, that's right, I said <b>free</b>. All the delicious Pepsi products you can consume at no cost. It's all but a wonder why more homeless people aren't wandering the isles of the MGM Grand... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay:46339 2007-05-03T05:28:10Z 2007-05-03T05:28:10Z Better stop now before I start crying...<br />___________________________________________<br /><br />Successful Bike-ride pt. duex. Perfect night, nothing else to say on the subject.<br /><br />...I need to go for a swim soon. <br /><br />I can't believe that in six weeks I'm going to be twenty-two. Nursing-Home, here I come! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay:46175 2007-04-27T05:19:46Z 2007-04-27T05:19:46Z Here's an idea, your shit does stink.<br /><br />Fuck you and the Dinosaur you rode in on! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay:45960 2007-04-24T05:39:22Z 2007-04-24T05:39:22Z Now there's nothing to believe...<br />_______________________________<br /><br /><br />First real bike-ride of the season. The weather was perfect. Cool and crisp...felt like Autumn, but smelt like Spring. It is Spring after-all. Summer is around the corner. Things are looking promising. Va-cay, K!ckball, Port Huron...the list goes on. Life is good when I'm not being a baby and crying all the time. Sometimes I have to remember to just breathe, to take it as it comes at me. <br /><br />...Two days off, thank God for that. I plan to sleep and eat a lot. Don't bother trying to call, I don't plan on answering the phone. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay:45800 2007-04-21T06:07:56Z 2007-04-21T06:07:56Z <small><br />Ten times removed<br />I forget about where it all began<br />Bastard son of a bastard son of<br />A wild eyed child of the sun<br />And right as rain, I'm not the same but<br />I feel the same, I feel nothing<br />Holding back the fool again<br />Holding back the fool pretends<br />I forget to forget nothing is important<br />Holding back the fool again<br />I sensed my loss<br />Before I even learned to talk<br />And I remember my birthdays<br />Empty party afternoons won't come back<br />Holding back the fool again<br />Holding back the fool pretends<br />I forget to forget nothing is important<br />Holding back the fool again<br />I forget to forget me<br />I forget to forget you see<br />Nothing is important to me<br />I knew my loss<br />Before I even learned to speak<br />And all along, I knew it was wrong<br />But I played along, with my birthday song<br />Holding back the fool again<br />Holding back the fool pretends<br />I forget to forget nothing is important<br />Holding back the fool again</small> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay:45543 2007-04-18T21:18:50Z 2007-04-18T21:18:50Z What does that say about me?<br />________________________________<br /><br />It's strange how even when it's cold outside, if the sun is shining, it's not as bothersome. Today the air is not so cool, but the sky is grey. I want to crawl back into my blanket and watch the newest Tracey Gold movie on Lifetime.<br /><br />I've been into self-deprecation lately. I've been beating myself up more than the likes of my worst enemies. I realized, after a long talk with Justin, and numerous text-messages from Rich, that life isn't as terrible as I've made it out to be. In-fact, I'm pretty blessed. I think a lot of people who I've crossed paths with, as well as myself, have the wrong idea about me. I may falter more often than most, but for the most part, I've tried to set things right. As for the situations that I couldn't make good on, I've burned the bridge. There's no bad-blood anymore. I'm not angry anymore. It's pure sweet apathy. I'd never wish ill, but I won't wish well. Maybe that's how it needs to be. Maybe it's high time I stop carrying this weight of guilt on my shoulders. Karma is breathing softly this evening, and everything, I do mean <i>everything</i> happens for a reason. <br /><br />So with that being said, please don't ask me how people are doing who you know I obviously don't speak to anymore. It's just awkward having to re-explain a horse that was beaten to death months ago. From what it seems, everyone is doing good. Everyone actually got their shit together, yes, even me.<br /><br />...So like my friend Gwen says, "After all that we've been through, I know we're cool".<br /> -ps. That was for you Shanz, sorry for being such a bitch back in the day.<br />pss. Where the fuck is Heather Law? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:_layladylay:45142 2007-04-13T06:13:45Z 2007-04-13T06:13:45Z I can't stop your memory from breaking my heart.<br />Devils were laughing so loud,<br />I couldn't hear the radio.<br /><br /><br />In the dark bags become,<br />Sneaking devils waiting to pounce<br />And display impressive claws.<br />I might wink at them before they land.<br /><br /><br />I can hear my heart beat<br />across the room behind the closet door<br /><br />When I'm laying in my bed in the dark<br />I can't gather all the love I need when I need it.<br />I'm not mad, I understand that that's the price,<br />And all is forgiven in the end<br />If your heart was in the right place.<br />If you lived an honest life, if you tried...<br /><br /><br />I can't stop your memory from breaking my heart<br />Devils were laughing so loud,<br />I couldn't hear the radio.