_lalala_

Kirby

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 21:14:18 GMT

Last night we put my dog Kirby down. He was 12 years old, and he'd been sick for a while. He had end stage kidney failure and suspected lymphoma, and he was having trouble with his back. we were going to do it last week but he suddenly got better, started eating again, and was my usual happy cute puppy. suddenly yesterday he started throwing up and bring sick and, in the course of about 5 hours, degenerated to the point where he could not walk and could barely breathe. so we took him to the doctor and the doctor said he would not recover from this.

we didn't want kirby to hurt anymore, but i can't believe he's gone. he's been the first person i great every time i walk into the house since i was in high school. the loss is greater than i ever thought it could be, and i'm miserable.

that's my update. sorry for being down.

update!!!

Thu, 25 May 2006 19:59:40 GMT

I haven't been updating at all!!! lots of stuff is going on, mainly i was finishing my thesis, which i got an A on (phew) and writing exams. all went well, i have officially become a chemical engineer. then i went to florida for a week with josh to see my parents and had a great time. i relaxed and read and did nothing and we both had an awesome time. came back, interviewed, got a job!! i'm working as a team leader for a consulting company that works in the nuclear industry. i have been persuing this job for two years through conferences and extracurriculars and i am so happy i got it!! josh and i are starting to look at houses for the fall and things are going great. i'm nervous and excited about everything.

so there's my update.

must get in control

Wed, 01 Feb 2006 17:02:17 GMT

158 today.

enough is enough.

have been back on program for a few days again, working out again, i am reeling from having to spend $350 on a new outfit for an engagement party because nothing i own fits. my grad ball is in on march 4th and i need to fit beautifully into my dress by then. i simply cannot afford the time, energy and financial strain of buying a new formal gown, particularly one that i would hope to never wear again. i am about 6 pounds heavier then i was when i wore it. my goal is absolute perfection, 6 days a week of cardio, and no more then 1300 calories a day. i know it's too low, but i need to see results to keep me going, so i'm setting my goal at 149 for grad and striving to get there. i can do this, i need to. i will be looking at these pictures for the rest of my life and i am not going to use them as a symbol of my dietary failure. i just want to feel comfortable in my own skin again. i never wanted to use looking in the mirror and being miserable as an excuse for not going out and facing the world again, but i have been lately. i get dressed and i am so unhappy i just want to stay home. no more.

with regards to everything else in my life, some craziness is going on right now. i will filter post it to trusted people when i have a chance.

nowhere to go from here

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 17:15:17 GMT

josh and i broke up.

neither of us wanted to, but he came out with this declaration that he didn't see himself wanting to settle down and get married or even move in together in the next couple of years and i left. i can't give up what i want from my life to wait for him to finish developing his career, something that may never even happen. i don't think he will ever be where he wants to be, his job will always be his life and he will not be able to put it aside for me or anyone else. he says it's just because he's immature, but that could be an indefinite thing. i don't know if he'll ever really grow up, but that's why i love him. i guess i thought he was more adult then he really is.

i am miserable, more then i ever thought possible. i can't stop crying, and if i never have to leave the house again it will be too soon. i'm still at his apartment, which makes it worse. i couldn't deal last night, so i came crawling back so he would hold me and tell me everything was ok. it just made everything worse today, now that i'm sitting at his desk crying and trying to motivate myself to pack all my stuff up and start carrying it to the car.

i really truly don't want this. i don't want to be with anyone else. ever. i don't know what to do, and i feel like my whole world is collapsing around me. would i be happier if i just walked out and never looked back? would my life be easier? i wish i was a stronger person who could do it, but the thought of never falling asleep with my head on his chest again makes it hard to breathe. i'm so lonely already that i don't know what to do with myself.

i just want to sleep.

emotional eating

Sat, 14 Jan 2006 13:14:10 GMT

last night i binged, with a level of insanity i haven't felt in a while. i was feeling confused and empty after a series of events led to josh and i spending more nights apart and me sleeping at home alone for the first friday night that he's been here since pretty much the start of our relationship. we're making so many efforts to still get the time together while giving me the stability of being home more often and getting more of my work done, but last night it just felt like we were fighting. no matter what we did, it just didn't seem like the night was going to end well and i know we both felt like we just didn't know what to do.

so i ate. probably about 4000 calories in the span of about 3 hours. i ate everything in sight, and then some, and for the first time i will publicly admit it. i woke up this morning for my running clinic in a cold sweat, wishing i could throw up. if i was not the instructor, i would still be in bed hating myself right now, but i had to push down a small packet of oatmeal and some fluids and try to get going. replacing my running tights this morning are long johns and giant sweatpants because my stomach is stuck out to twice it's size. i feel horrible.

i'm always too embarassed to tell anyone about these nights, even though they have been much fewer and farther between lately, but i think i need to be able to look back and read about this. i am so disappointed in myself. i undermined my own hard work and effort. i watched everything i ate all day and then blew it all in such a short period of time. i need to detach my emotions from my face stuffing. i feel sick, and heavy, and depressed. i need to stop doing this and focus on being good to myself.

there.

sleepy lauren

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 01:41:24 GMT

i'm so bad with the updating, probably because i really have nothing interesting to say.

i missed my first day of school because at some point yesterday i started to feel like my body was attacking itself. my stomach turned inside out and everything hurt and i spent the night waiting to get home to bed. once in bed, i felt much better, and i stayed up talking with josh for a bit before finally caving and going to sleep. i was exhausted all day today though, i just wanted to stay put, and i could not motivate myself to get out of that bed again.

i finally got up, then realized i had not been home from josh's since friday night and started panicking and ran out on him. i had forgotten how close to not being able to handle the situation i had gotten before the whole vancouver deal started. i was so busy missing him and wanting my normal life that i never thought about how disoriented and homeless i felt being the one who split my life between two houses. in the morning, i wake up unsure of where i will go to bed that night, and it's exhausting. it depends on his mood, and our plans for the night, and how late it is when i finally look at the clock, and whether i have things to wear the next day that are clean. i feel like i always have to stay one step ahead of my own life, and i feel like no matter how many nights i stay there a week i'm being sort of kicked out of my own home every time i have to leave and stay at my house. i never know where i can find the food i need, my jeans and sweaters, and little odds and ends that end up everywhere. i'm also really really lonely. it's hard to have normality when one minute you are physically with a person for three straight days and never have to call them, and then you have to find the right way to say goodnight. when josh was gone, i expected to stay at his house every night, thinking that it would be a nice way to have my own space, but i ended up hating feeling this way and coming home most of the time just to be normal. now i don't want to go back, i feel like i'm hiding in my parents' house. my mom doesn't understand why i'm here, she thinks we had a fight and i just won't tell her about it, she doesn't get why i don't stay there most nights anyways.

i don't know what to do. i don't think i can keep going like this. i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. if i stay at home it will change our relationship, and i don't know if i can readjust to being alone all the time. i think i need some time to think this through.

time is dragging by

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 06:03:21 GMT

the past 2 days have been the longest days of my life. i keep flip-flopping back and forth between knowing in my heart that i'm too scarred and unhappy about the past month to make my relationship work now and hating myself for even thinking of leaving love like this. i know that my constant crying and moping isn't a result of the immediate situation, i cannot miss him this much. this is more, this is fear that nothing will ever be quite right again, and anxiety because it is so long since things have been peaceful and bitterness at having felt so horrible for so long.

i am so unendingly miserable, and torn. part of me is scared of him coming home because i don't even know what our relationship is like anymore. i don't remember what a regular day was like. the rest of me just wants everything back to normal, whatever that is. normal wasn't so great as i remember it, though. we had some serious disagreements about commitment issues, and i felt disoriented all the time with my place physically and emotionally. i don't know what i want....i wish i did. i want him and i want to be happy and i want life to move smoothly along, but i don't know how compatible these things are.

i have been filling this emotional void i'm feeling right now with junk food, which is stupid. then i'm just going to hate myself for gaining even more weight. i'm having trouble getting myself back on track again, which makes me angry since i was back on the path for about 3 weeks there, usually enough to keep me going. i didn't work out today, and i ate badly from the moment i got up. tomorrow, i have to focus, eating badly and not exercising and doing other bad things just makes everything worse.

2 more endlessly long days. 42.5 hours until he lands in toronto. 2 sleeps and 2 movies and an afternoon spent picking up and cleaning the car and 2 hockey games and a few hours with my family and lunch with a friend and about 30 hours of staring at my phone wishing it would ring. then it's over. i can do this.

just wonderful....

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 18:57:23 GMT

so while i was away it seems i gained a bunch of weight, and now i am at 156.5, not the happy 153 that the scale in vancouver said i was. i feel like i'm making no progress at all and that sucks. hopefully now that i'm back i can start losing again.

also, in accordance with my own personal brand of insanity, i have stopped talking to josh. the thought of hearing his voice makes me sick. i hung up on him this morning. i think it finally hurt enough that i shut down completely. i feel nothing, which is normal for me. i don't want to be in his apartment, i don't want to talk to him, i just want to go over there and collect what's left of my stuff and pretend this is no longer happening and move on with my life. doesn't make sense? yeah....never has to me either. maybe it'll come back this time, but it feels stronger then usual. all i have is anger and bitterness and a desire to put everything behind me and channel my need for attention and distraction into someone else. not like he would notice anyways, his promises to try to send me messages and take my calls are bullshit. all josh cares about, and will ever care about, is work. when he says he's scared of the commitment of marriage it's because he's scared it will take time away from his unwavering commitment to do whatever his job asks of him, no matter how unreasonable. he knows he would never be able to chose his wife and family over it, so it's easier to just not have them. i don't think that's ever going to change and i can't accept that so why bother trying? maybe that's why i'm so jealous of his job, because he will always love it more than me, and to his messed up head it even loves him back. the reward he gets from being praised for his work is bigger than anything i could ever give him.

i know he loves me so much, and i know he wants this to work out, but i just don't think this is the right time in his life to have a relationship. this is when he needs to focus the most, and i think he needs to be unattached to do it. i guess we'll see where it goes, but i don't think he disagrees enough to fight me if i end it. it hurts him, but the fact that he can just bury himself in his work and go on shows me where his loyalty really is. i need to stay strong, and hard, and protect myself. i can't let him hurt me, now or ever.

first post of the new year...

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 23:25:34 GMT

i feel kinda bad about disappearing for so long after deciding to post regularly again, but i had little computer access and during the times i did the last thing i wanted to do was sit online and write. i am freshly back from vancouver, and am such a mess of emotion that i feel like i'm going to explode.

i had my absolute best new years ever. i have never rung in the new year with less than 10 people around me, and usually spend the night and next day drinking and smoking myself silly but i think if i had drunk nothing i still would have been ecstatic. i am so in love. i did not think it was possible to feel this much for anyone. i look at josh and i see everything i have ever wanted from another person, and for my future. for the first time in my life i don't feel like i'm looking for something better. i feel stable, and secure, and complete. it is so overwhelming, to feel this way. i always thought i was pretty experienced emotionally, but i have been shuffling through one relationship after another since i was old enough to date, wondering what it would feel like to really know. it's amazing, and scary, and definitive....there is absolutely no doubt about it and that is crazy to me, since i can never make up my mind about anything. i cannot wait to wake up to him every day for the rest of my life. wow....it's the coolest shit ever.

so while i'm all mushy and brimming with all that emotion, i'm also miserable. i'm so lonely again without him, and i just want him to come home from vancouver so i can have my life back. it's been 2 months that we've been dealing with this, with the leadup to it, and then the time he was gone without me, and then the 9 days i spent alone in a strange place just to fall asleep next to him at night, and now 4 more days alone. leaving him this morning almost killed me. after 9 nights of sleeping with as much of my body touching him as possible i can't bear the thought of falling asleep alone tonight. it's worse this time, because even though it's only 4 days i'm exhausted by how long this has gone on for. i have not been calm and happy since the day i found out he was going, and i've cried every day since about 3 days before he left. the tears won't end, and it doesn't ease up at all. i just want him home, i want normal life and calling him without worrying about long distance. i want to stop at his apartment on the way home from school and find him sitting at his computer, and i want to know that i have someone to have dinner with at night. i am lonely without him, he is my best friend and my crutch.

aside from the mushiness, i ran along the sea wall in vancouver and it was beautiful. i went to the gym every day but new year's day and today, and i ate well and entered everything into fitday every day except new year's eve and day, which i consider the black hole of diets and do not count at all. i hope i lost something while i was gone, but i won't weigh myself until the bloat of eating badly for a couple of days and flying subsides. updates on that situation on wednesday. i bought an awesome pair of jeans i had wanted forever at a boxing day sale that are my regular size, and thus don't even fit over my ass right now. 10 pounds and they will. i am hyped to wear my jeans.

long entry....sorry to everyone who had to read me bitch, and happy new year's everyone!!!

bodies are weird....

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 18:28:47 GMT

i don't know how this is happening, but i know it's gonna stop soon. wish it wasn't, i wish i could be immediately rewarded by my renewed effort with a return to my rightful size.

weight: 155.5

6 more pounds till my valentines day goal when most of my clothes should sort of fit again. i think i may lower the goal a bit to 145.5 because i think i can lose ten pounds in a month and a half, but i have to see what happens when the loss slows down to normal. i can't wait for that moment that my jeans pull all the way up and zip without a struggle. i will cry out of happiness. unfortunately, now the fat jeans i bought in desparation are getting a little baggy and i'm in between again. i also really like them, so i think i'm going to take advantage of the christmas sales and buy another pair one size down as a goal.

in other news, one more sleep till vancouver. i can't wait. if i think hard enough i can feel josh's arms around me and i just want to get there so it's real. i'm all packed a day early other than my toiletries. i am wearing my plane clothes today, washing them tonight, and then putting them on again tomorrow so as not to disturb the packed stuff. one would say i'm just a little eager maybe. :) i just want to be on the plane....travel makes me anxious. i always feel like i have too much to do or i forgot something.

this is nuts...

Thu, 22 Dec 2005 15:27:33 GMT

weight: 156.5

i don't even know how this is happening. it's like my body is rewarding me returning to my usual routine by quickly going back to the weight i started at. i'm sure it will slow, but this does make me feel a lot better. it's been 5 days, the longest i've stayed on my diet for months, and i've worked out every day. i have no desire to stop doing it, now i remember how good i feel. maybe it's finally clicked back again....

i like things that keep me from reviewing for my exam....

Wed, 21 Dec 2005 04:50:34 GMT

~January~

1. did you have a new year's resolution this year?
yes

2.Who kissed you at midnight?
this past year it was dave...it'll be josh this year, yay!

3. does it snow where you live?
yes, damn canada

4. do you like hot chocolate?
yep, specially from timmy's

5. have you ever been to times square to watch the ball drop?
nope, never been to new york in the winter

~February~

1. who was your valentine in 2005?
dave

2. what did your valentine get you?
a pretty watch i'd been eying

3. when you were little, did you buy valentines for your whole class?
yep, cartoon ones

~March~

1. are you Irish?
nope

2. Do you wear green on St. Patty's Day?
i never know it's st patty's day

3.what did you do for St. Patty's Day in 2005?
i probably went to school and then worked

~April~

1. Do you like the rain?
yes, i love thunderstorms

2. Did you play an April fool's joke on anyone this year?
nope

3. do you get tons of candy on easter?
nope

~May~

1. What's your favorite kind of flower?
sunflowers

3. Do you like the spring?
yes, it means shedding the puffy jackets

4. Finish the phrase: April showers
are nice when it's warm out

5. What would you think of as a spring color?
pink!!

~June~

1. What year did you graduate from school?
will be 2006, also was 2002 and 1997

2. Did you go on any vacations last June?
nope, was working full time

~July~

1. What did you do on the 4th of July?
canadian, but i watched fireworks on the 1st

3. do you go on any vacations during this month?
nope

~August~

1. did you do anything special to end off your summer?
sleep, sleep and more sleep

2. what was your favorite summer memory of '05?
hmmm...just chilled most of the summer

3. do you go swimming a lot in the summer?
nope

~September~

1. Did you attend school/college in '05?
yes, still am

2. who is/was your favorite teacher?
prof norval - thermo

3. do you like fall better than summer?
nope, it gets cold!!!

~October~

1. what was your favorite halloween costume ever?
bunny, it was super comfy and cute

3. what did you dress up like this year?
bunny

~November~

1. whose house do you usually go to for thanksgiving?
my mom made turkey

2. Do you like stuffing?
i don't think i've ever had it...

3. what are you thankful for?
semester being almost over, finding josh

~December~

1. do you celebrate Christmas?
nope

2. have you ever been kissed under mistletoe?
nope

3. what do you want this year for Christmas?
to be in vancouver

4. what's the best present you ever got for Christmas?
i never get anything because it's right after my birthday!!

5. do you like cold weather?
nope, but i like being inside by the fire cuddling when it's cold

weight update

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 15:51:00 GMT

i love getting back on a diet...my first weigh in was way over 160, but with water weight loss and getitng rid of that bloat, i always lose fast the first week:

weight: 158!!!

8.5 pounds left to first goal.

back to this...

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 16:49:32 GMT

weight: 159.5

new goal: 149.5 by valentine's day

final goal: 139.5 by may 1st

i need a fresh start right now. i am 20 pounds over my final goal, and about 15 pounds from where i was when i lost track of myself. i don't WANT to diet, noone ever does, but i need to accept once and for all that for me, with my body, it is a choice. either watch what i eat and exercise for the rest of my life, or find a weight somewhere around 160 and hope it doesn't keep going up from there. i'm not happy at this weight, and i know i won't be satisfied staying here for permanently. i feel heavy and my joints ache, i'm self conscious and uncomfortable, and none of the fabulous wardrobe i bought when i finally got down under 145 fits me anymore. i cannot justify buying new clothes, and they don't look right on me now anyways since i'm used to how everything looked before. i miss tight shirts, my good jeans, and not having it be a production every time i get dressed to go somewhere. trying to find something to wear for an interview and digging through the goodwill bag was the last straw.

so here we go! back to updates! i can do this....i feel good about it.

first major challenge: keep losing in vancouver! leaving in 5 days! so excited....i miss josh something awful. i cannot wait to see him again.

i wanna do it too!!!

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 18:26:13 GMT

1) Was 2005 a good year for you?
it's funny how when something is good at the end you forget the bad. I had a shitty year, I went through a rough breakup that came after a rough relationship, a lot of downs, my grandmother died and trouble at school, but ending it with josh makes it all seem trivial.

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
meeting josh. it changed the rest of my life.

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
my grandmother dying.

4) Where were you when 2005 began?
at leor's, wow....it's like a different world.

5) Did you have fun?
i was really really drunk, so yes.

6) Where will you be when 2005 ends?
in vancouver, maybe in a restaurant, probably in a hotel room...i'm old and tire early.

7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends?
josh, there's noone else i want to be with

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2005?
no....stupid weight.

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2006?
yes....stupid weight.

10) Did you fall in love in 2005?
yes, ridiculously, it defined what love actually is for me.

11) Do you regret it?
with love comes great pain, but it would be stupid to regret it.

12) Did you breakup with anyone in 2005?
yes, dave...hell.

13) Did you make any new friends in 2005?
a couple, but it's been mostly school, school and work all year, as usual. i'll socialize in may when i graduate, hopefully i'll still remember how.

14) Who are your favorite new friends?
happy to be back in touch with rob, jen and ryan. really happy about my awesome plant design group and how close we all got.

15) What was your favorite month of 2005?
september

16) Did you travel outside of the US in 2005?
i live in cananda, the question would be "did i travel into the US?", and yes, florida

17) How many different states did you travel to in 2005?
one

18) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005?
yes, bubbie

19) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
always

20) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005?
hmmm....good question. i don't remember movies so i don't know. something funny probably, like team america or the family guy movie.

21) What was your favorite song from 2005?
i don't think it was written in 2005, but filter - where do we go from here

22) What was your favorite record from 2005?
kanye west, late registration

23) How many concerts did you see in 2005?
4 - Blue Rodeo, K-OS, Kanye and NIN
maybe more that i don't remember

24) Did you have a favorite concert in 2005?
Kanye was great

25) Did you drink a lot of alchohol in 2005?
not really...got drunk maybe 4 times, still more then usual

26) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2005?
just the usual for me....lots of smokin, i'm too old for everything else, and where would i do it? on my couch at home?

27) How many people did you sleep with in 2005?
2

28) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
so many things...i have serious regret issues, i dwell on everything.

29) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005?
i don't want to go there

30) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005?
i would assume so, i'm the devil's spawn

31) Did anyone treat you badly in 2005?
yeah, pretty badly

32) How much money did you spend in 2005?
i would assume too much, but i don't wanna think about it since in about 10 months i'll be paying all my own damn bills. i could stay in school forever with my current situation....

33) What was the stupidest thing that you did in 2005?
there are so many things....i made bad relationship decisions, had fights with my parents over nothing, drove my car into my mom's, messed up my last semester of 3rd year, gained back a bunch of weight

34) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?
i'm sure there were many, none stand out as the worst, i embarrass easy

35) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change anything, what would you change?
if i had answered this question 4 months ago my answer would have been very clear, but right now, things could not have ended any better then they did, and i'd be scared that changing something else would take that away from me.

36) what are your plans for 2006?
try and find a way to be happy, lose some of this weight, get a job, move out of my house (and some other plans that are far too dependent on someone else to be considered mine)

one month passed

Sun, 04 Dec 2005 06:35:22 GMT

it's been a while so i'm checking in, in point form for time savings...

- plant design done, finally, don't even want to talk about it, just relieved.

- exam time, one wednesday then a two week break with a huge report due in between. no motivation to study for this exam...i've written one line so far and read one paragraph. just can't catch up on the sleep lost from all nighters in the past 2 weeks.

- can't stop eating, can't stop gaining weight. i do so well for a few days and then binge for 2 days and repeat. i'm up 15 pounds, and disgusted with myself. none of my clothes fit and i just want to cry all the time. i think tomorrow i'm going to cave and buy a pair of jeans that fit my new fat self...i'm going to be big for at least another few months and i need a pair of jeans. i just feel so horrible about it. i never wanted to be this big again, but i just can't control myself.

- josh leaves for vancouver in 5 days. we're going to be apart for 2 weeks before i fly out to meet him. i'm devastated, i can't even imagine how we're going to do it. i wish this wasn't happening.

- things are tense at home because i am never here anymore. my mom seems really upset about it, but it's not like she's ever here either. i feel so displaced and unhappy. it sucks.

- things are ok with josh but all the major (and i mean major) issues we've been having since the beginning are not being resolved. i am so codependent and needy, and i don't know why. this relationship is trouble, but i'm going to stick it out.

flip side

Fri, 04 Nov 2005 07:38:03 GMT

he told me he loved me...finally. well, he had said it once before but it was in a really heavy moment and we were about to break up and it was impossible for him to get it out. then he couldn't...said the words wouldn't come. i settled for "me too", or a tight hug. tonight he said it, and it was like the floodgates opened and he just kept saying it. i expected it to start as a response and then one day he would tell me on his own, but i'll always be the more expressive one and i was happy with just reciprocation. i wonder if he was just feeling bold, and it will go back to normal tomorrow. there will be that dead silence at the end of our phone conversation where i wonder if i should just tell him like i normally do, casual and without the pressure to return it, or wait for that huge moment when he ends a call by telling me he loves me. i come from a family who says it a million times a day, we're affectionate and demonstrative and open, and if i feel something i'll come out with it. he does not....this is big. i wonder if he's saying it just to appease me.

we have so many issues, i wish it was easier. i guess the amount of effort it is requiring to make this work will make the reward sweeter in the end.

oh, and school has sapped every last teeny bit of my will to go on. woohoo! 18 days and counting.

hallow-e-e-e-e-en!!!!

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 20:54:09 GMT

it's the weekend, and it's halloween. i am so stressed, and i've barely slept in days, but my frozen pfd is in, and so are all the plant balances, and that makes me feel a little better. noone has any idea what i'm talking about....

i have to submit a report scheme on thursday. what is this stupid thing of which you speak? it's the whole table of contents for our entire 50 page report and 150 page appendices, including page numbers. that is a retarded thing for a report we have not started to write yet. i'm not pleased. :(

but it's the weekend! tonight, fancy dinner with josh, wine, desert, the works. snuggling in pjs after at his place. i'm so excited!!! tomorrow, school in the afternoon, then hockey game and halloween fun! i'm going as a bunny...so excited. i worked hard on my costume and it's comfy and cute. sunday, shopping and ikea. i am finally getting to do normal things with the boy, settle into a routine. wednesday night we went to dinner and a movie, and this weekend we're just chilling and spending time together. i'm excited to go clothes shopping but i'm worried he'll be appalled by the way i pick things up without trying them on and then return them if they suck.

i am so stressed about school, but i'm finally feeling a little less stressed about my relationship. it's about damn time.

so sleepy

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 16:09:25 GMT

5 hours of sleep is not enough, and i missed my physio appointment this morning. i feel like i'm dizzy and floating. i'm sure it's actually less sleep because i sat awake last night worrying about things i need to be doing. all i do these days is worry, nothing is ever done, i have no idea how it will ever get done, and i just don't want to do it.

the condition of my space with josh was that we could email and send text messages. those don't really affect me as immediately as talking and seeing eachother and i wanted to keep commuication open. i have a tendency, when i have complete space from someone, to block them out in my head and sometimes i can't get them back. it's one of my many self defense mechanisms, i start preparing for the loss before it even happens. i have been sending emails, and trying to talk about little everyday things, stupid shit like "yay leafs", and "what do you think of these halloween costume options", but i'm not getting anything back. i know he's awake and he's been online, and i know the first thing he does every day is check his email obsessively, so he is willfully not responding. he was also up really really late last night and i don't know why. my trust level is almost nil, and i know that i'm putting up the wall. part of me wants to cancel our plans tomorrow and just walk away from this. i know the whole point of this exercise is to practice not running, but i don't see any reason why he would be ignoring me besides that he's decided not to talk to me. he has never not responded to an email before, particularly one with a question in it. i can live without him, i realize now that i can pretend that none of this ever happened and move on. it hasn't been long enough that i actually NEED him to feel normal. i guess now i just have to decide what i really WANT, and i honestly have no idea. it would be so easy to be free of this.....

super fuck up

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 05:06:42 GMT

i have a midterm tomorrow. i've been halfheartedly studying for it all night. i just can't work up the caring to get going on it, and now it's almost 1am and i'm not even a quarter of the way done. i just want to go to bed, i don't give a shit. that's a horrible way to be but i'm just so easily distracted tonight.

i haven't spoken to josh tonight. i pulled the "space" thing last night because i'm just feeling like shit all the time and i need to know if it's because of him. i also really do need to be able to make it a whole night without hearing his voice. we've been spending way too much time together, and fighting all the time. i know a lot of it is me, i am a very difficult person to be with and if things are going well i create drama to mess it up. i also walk out whenever i feel the least bit threatened, which tends to be often. it's not healthy for me to be breaking up with someone i love once a week, and it's wearing on him. i thought that getting some distance and perspective, and asserting my independence, would help keep me from fucking this up. i'm amazed at how upset i am about not saying goodnight to him, and how i'm preoccupied with thoughts that he has realized in his night alone that he is sick of me. that's all i can think about, that all he needed was a moment of space to see that i don't make him happy at all. it's that kind if insecurity that feeds the difficulty of the relationship. he can tell me he needs me, that he's not going to leave me, that he doesn't want to be with anyone else but me, but i don't think i'll ever really believe it. anyways, i'm supposed to make it to wednesday without him. our relationship is just such a mess, we're both such messes....i don't know how it'll ever be anything but hard. i need peace though, we need to make it through the next couple of weeks without fighting because i really need some stability. maybe a couple of days will help me appreciate that i have him in my life a little more and i won't be so quick to run away.

on a positive note, i'm going to vancouver from christmas eve to after new years to be with him while he's on location there. i still have to deal with 2 weeks at home without him, but it's not nearly as bad as a month. i'm lucky we were able to transfer my florida tickets to these without any extra cost. i keep saying it's a good thing but i'm really scared about it. i could only get tickets for a 9 day trip and i know josh doesn't want me there that long because he's working and i'll distract him. he's worried that he won't be able to give me attention and i'll get upset. i can say now that i'll just be happy that he's crawling into bed with me at night, but i am worried about it too. it will end up being at least a week that i'm stuck fending for myself all day, living in a hotel room. i will have to tour around on my own, try to work during the days, and sit in the room watching movies when he's working at night. it's a lot of meals eating takeout in front of the tv by myself, i don't really know anyone in vancouver and i am not sure how it's going to be. i'm almost regretting planning the trip, but then i remember that without this it's a month alone in the condo, christmas and new years without him, no contact at all but late night msn and phone calls. i leave 2 months from today, i just hope everything is ok by then.

so...back to studying...it's going to be a long night. :( i need to remember that a month from today i will be done plant design, i will be happy and slightly less stressed and 26! i will be able to focus on my thesis for a few days and spend some quality time with my boy and working on my plant presentation and push through to exams. now i just need to learn enough to get by on this midterm...i just want to pass. i have low standards. i'll make it up on the final and the problem sets. pass pass pass.

for my memories....

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 03:08:30 GMT

So i decided to run the half marathon because i wasn't coughing at all and i wa feeling a bit better. this was my first race ever and i was jumpy the night before and didn't sleep all that well, but i had done 22.5K in training with very little sleep at 6:30am so i figured i'd be ok with this too. i took it really slow right out of the gate, because i knew i was going to tire out quick and i really did. i took all my walk breaks, stopped at very port-a-potty to blow my nose, and drank from every water station, because i get really dehydrated when i'm sick. my time was not great...i'm not a fast runner anyways, and my goal was 2:30, my chip time was 2:49. considering that's not so bad at all, and the experience was amazing, even though the crowd at the back was pretty thin. actually, i probably liked that better, i plugged in my mp3 player and just considered it a very scenic practice run, and a good opportunity to run on closed streets. now i'm being punished for it...i've eaten pretty heavy today because i've been starving and my mom made a congratulations lunch for me, so i'm feeling bloated. my throat hurts, my nose is stuffed again and i'm exhausted. my legs are also really hurting, not the temporary hurt like after practice runs but a hobbling achy pain in my knees, shins and hips. i think i just overdid it a bit. lots of sleep, some vitamin c, and all in all i'm happy i did this. i can't wait till next year!!!

everything else is ok, i guess. school is really stressing me, the conference tomorrow is stressing me, josh and i are fighting over stupid things. i'm picking fights that don't matter, and i know that's it. i need to accept that he obviously feels the same way about me that i do about him....i practically live in his apartment and i stay here when he's not here. he has permanently given me the keys, and he mentioned getting me a card to get into the parking garage. he's mentioned marriage, we've talked about getting a dog, and we've talked about a house. he just can't say those three little words i need to hear so much...he can admit to feeling it but they won't come out. it's early, i just need to be patient and it will come in time, just like everything else. i will focus on that.

as for school....i'm swamped, i feel stupid all the time, and i just want it to be done. i feel like i'm working and working but not making any progress. plant design is killer...i don't know how we're going to pull it off. it's not fair to deal with that and all my other classes and shit. it's too much at once. 7 more months....focus!!!!

murphy's law

Tue, 11 Oct 2005 16:13:49 GMT

i'm sick, which is pretty inevitable for me. i usually get sick whenever anything major is coming up, every time i have to travel, the day after my last exam every semester, and now, a week before my race. it's making me cranky and overemotional. i keep just sitting down and crying for no reason, or maybe just out of frustration. i am frustrated, because i'm not 100% and i don't want to focus on my school work. i want to sleep and feel better, but i'm swamped. i'm also feeling really dependent right now, i want to be cuddled and brought tea and allowed to sit around in my pajamas watching tv. i'm at josh's, hiding from my house with the noise and the cleaning lady and my whole damn family. why does my family never leave for work? they are always there, and they always stay up so late at night too. no peace in my house, but i guess they're all leaving soon. florida season is about to start. i don't want to leave here, even though i NEED to go to school right now, but it's just so calm in this little apartment, and i feel close to him. i'm still feeling so overwhelmed by my emotions and my thoughts and my life. i don't like how my life has ended up, my focus has changed and i can feel myself letting school stuff slide. i just don't seem to care anymore, i just want school finished, i want to graduate, get a job, start a life. i finally feel like i have a life ahead of me and i just want to get there. i am so impatient. i should go....

what a messed up night dood

Sat, 08 Oct 2005 07:22:45 GMT

i am wrecked...pretty rare for me but it's fun! went clubbing with fabs, had some much needed girl time. i needed to get my head back to the real world a little. i am feeling much more positive (or just intoxicated) and i think everything will be ok. i have to focus on my school shit and realize that everything else in my life is exactly where it should be. i should be enjoying this. in 8 months i'm going to be an engineer, and hopefully gainfully employed. in 2 months plant design will be a memory. in a week and two days i won't have to think about how much it sucks to run for 3 hours straight. i'm in an awesome relationship, and i feel like i can stop looking for the first time. things are good.

chill lauren!!

this is way too long

Fri, 07 Oct 2005 00:42:15 GMT

Bold the ones that apply.

Graduated High School.
Kissed someone.
Smoked cigarettes.
Got so drunk you passed out.
Rode every ride at an amusement park.
Collected something really stupid.
Gone to a rock concert.
Helped someone.
Gone fishing.
Spun turn tables.
Watched four movies in one night.
Gone long periods of time with out sleep.
Lied to someone.
Been dumped.
Snorted cocaine.
Failed a class
Smoked weed.
Dealt drugs.
Taken a college level course.
Been in a car accident.
Been in a tornado.
Done hard drugs (i.e. ecstasy, heroin, crack, meth, acid).
Watched someone die.
Been to a funeral.
Burned yourself.
Ran a marathon.
Lost your virginity.
Your parents got divorced.
Cried yourself to sleep.
Spent over $200 in one day.
Flown on a plane.
Cheated on someone.
Been cheated on.
Written a 10 page letter.
Gone skiing.
Been sailing.
Cut yourself.
Had a best friend.
Lost someone you loved.
Shoplifted something.
Been to jail.
Had detention.
Skipped school.
Got in trouble for something you didn't do.
Stolen books from the library.
Gone to a different country.
Dropped out of school.
Been in a mental hospital.
Watched the "Harry Potter" movies.
Had an online diary.
Fired a gun.
Gambled in a casino.
Had a yard sale.
And a lemonade stand.
Actually made money at the lemonade stand.
Been in a school play.
Been fired from a job.
Taken a lie detector test.
Swam with dolphins.
Gone to sea world.
Attempted suicide.
Voted for American/Australian Idol.
Written poetry.
Read more than 20 books a year
Gone to Europe.
Loved someone you couldn't have.
Wondered about your sexuality.
Used a coloring book over age 12.
Had surgery.

Had stitches.
Taken a taxi.
Seen the Washington Monument.
Had more than 5 IM's/online conversations going at once.
Overdosed.
Had a drug or alcohol problem.
Been in a fist fight.
Suffered any form of abuse.
Had a hamster.
Pet a wild animal.
Used a credit card.
Gone surfing in California.
Did "spirit day" at school.
Dyed your hair.
Got a tattoo.
Had something pierced.
Got straight A's.
Been on the Honor Roll.
Your parents sent you to a shrink.
Been handcuffed.
Known someone with HIV or AIDS.
Taken pictures with a webcam.
Started a fire.
Had a party while your parents weren't home.
Gotten caught having a party while they were gone.
Done surveys like this to pass the time.
I cannot do the splits.
I hate challenges.
My dreams disturb me.
I often wear dresses.
I've been called "fake" before.
My ears have never been pierced.
Good posture is a turn-on.
Jesus is my homeboy.
I hate all the ideas of the hippie population.
Freddy Mercury is a god.
I have a perverted mind.
My muscles are bigger than your head.
I eat too much.
I enjoy being checked out.
My skin-tone is synonymous to xeroz paper.
I hate bottled water.
I've sent something to PostSecret.com.
I want to send something to PostSecret.com.
I am so sorry.
There are words and/or phrases that make me cringe when I hear them.
I love to watch gameshows.
I'm just like everyone else...
Caffeine is terrible.
I need to shave.
In person, I'm very private. On livejournal, I'm very open.
In person, I'm very open. On livejournal, I'm very obscure.
I cannot sleep in.
I hate being told how to do things that I know perfectly well how to do.
I enjoy foreplay way more than sex itself.
I can run a five-minute mile.
1,000 sit ups is an easy task.
I don't do dairy.
Pink Floyd... YES.
My eyesight is better than my hearing.
"Hate" is a word I use a lot.
I'm a stereotypical teenager.
I think about death a lot. i'm not suicidal.. i just think of the aftermath
I can't wait until I have kids.
I am never bored.
I collect Beanie Babies.
I sleep on a waterbed.
I am/was in Water Polo.
I hate to read.
I lie more than I breathe.
I have a new crush every week.
I sing very well.
A shower sounds really good right now.
I talk to Smarterchild on A.I.M.
My friends make me drawings.
I am respected at school/work/wherever. (mostly)
The song "Bananas" by Gwen Stafani helps me spell bananas.
Most of my friends are depressed.
I own a car I do not drive.
Cartoons, that's all I watch.
I love it when my friends are happy.
I read the Davinci Code.
I'm Jewish.
Pasta is my favorite.
My cat's name is Fluffy.
I am intimidating.
I know all the songs in A Nightmare Before Christmas by heart.
The glass is half-empty.
I say "That's gay" a lot.
I am a very light sleeper.
I hug all my friends.
I feel dumb whenever I make typos.
I can't dance.
Rap is the only true music.
Lightning frightens me.
I wish I were cooler.
I'm in love.
Foreign movies irritate me.
I always use semicolons.
I wear a lot of makeup.
I'm homosexual.
Drugs help me cope with things.
I have cheated on a girlfriend/boyfriend.
I hate shirts with writing on them.
My cellphone ringtone is some popular song.
I like Greenday.
I wear a lot of jewelry.
My friends tell me everything.
Math isn't my favorite subject, but I'm good at it.
I have been physically taken advantage of.
I'm obsessed with livejournal.
I celebrate my pets' birthdays.
I've been hit on by lesbians.
There is something I am addicted to.
I hate watching the movie if I haven't read/finished the book.
I don't have a myspace.
My parents are restrictive.
Sex-scenes are my favorite.
I hate the smell of gasoline.
I watched Barney. (when i was young of course)
My favorite store in the mall is the bookstore.
By trying to be "nonconformist," I look like everyone else.
I'm putting off something.
Techno is a guilty pleasure.
I like Ska.
I laugh at jokes I don't understand.
People say I'm funny.
A friend of mine is named Claire.
I hate all of my ex boyfriends/girlfriends.
I ride a motorcycle.
I'm a stickler for grammar.
I dye my hair.
People judge me.
Gigantic sweatshirts = love.
This survey is kinda neat.
I never wear my hair down.
I judge other people based on the music they listen to.
I'm nosy.
Fire is so beautiful.
I'd be better off alone

lauren the dork

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 15:12:19 GMT

i got really upset about nothing yesterday and then let it fester and grow into a big huge deal that doesn't exist. i don't know what's wrong with me that i just can't have faith in anyone. i don't understand that it's possible for someone to just care about me unconditionally, without wanting something or planning to hurt me. i'm just thankful i'm with the most understanding, wonderful, caring person in the whole world because i totally do not deserve forgiveness for making such ridiculous accusations. it's hard to sit back and relax when you're with someone you think is far too good for you, i don't really get why he wouldn't just leave me for someone better, it's not all that hard to find. i have to stop this or i'll never let myself be happy.