Beauty in the Breakdown...

And of course, I can't do anything right, can I?

And in the end, where all just skin and bones.

I'm lonely. I should be used to this by now, but i'm not. I hate being alone.

I'm tired of all the decisions. I can't wait until the day when my two worlds become one again. It's so hard, choosing. It's so hard being away when I know there waiting for me. And its so hard being there, when I know your here missing me.

Somehow I keep forgetting that there's time. Time to get over my fear of driving, time to earn money, time to live.

I'm just so afraid of wasting time. I'm afraid of not feeling alive. Of fitting everything I want to do into one life time.

I just want everything to be consistant.

...I miss who I used to be
...I miss my writing abilites...I guess it's still there, but it doesn't get to be used
...I miss you, before you became angry
...I miss friends
...I miss good books
...and english discussions

but sometimes

...I wish I could travel the world
...I wish I could change the bad
...I wish I didn't know the fear of losing someone
...I wish life wasn't so fragile
...I wish the world would see how fragile it is
...I wish you were as happy as you are sometimes, all the time

I'm scared. And excited. I missing the past. And wishing for the future. And loving you even when your angry. And lonely in a sense. And wishing it would all balance out.

♥

I miss you so much. Why does it physically hurt to be away from you? I've seen you twice, but I don't feel like i got to SEE you. You mean everything to me. I want to marry you and have your babies. Seriously. Some day.

You know, it's so weird, my two worlds. I love it here and i love the people, but YOU are missing. And i hate it there but i have you, and you make so so happy.

I'm tired of worrying about my uncle. I'm terrified that one day he won't be here, he'll give up. I don't want him to suffer.

Life is just so incredibly hard sometimes.
I wish I could change it.

I need to get the fuck out of here. I can't handle this shit hole anymore. I can't handle living somewhere that sucks the soul out of you. I can't handle the people that almost run over me because they don't look before they drive, or the prostitutes in front of the bank at noon, or the homeless people who pee in the streets, or the crack houses everywhere. I can't handle the cult across the street, or the people hacking shit into the river, or the parents who scream at their kids for no reason what so ever. I can't handle the smell that comes from the sewer. I can't handle the fact that I feel like i'm losing who I am.

I miss home more than I could ever imagine. I miss people who shower everyday and do not smoke or hack things into the lake. I miss cleanliness. And excitment over Christmas. Feeling 100% safe walking around at night, as opposed to here, where you feel like that person walking behind you is a little too close at 9am. I miss people who see you as you are, and who actually care.

Can I handle another 6 days?

I feel like i'm losing a bit of myself here. I'm just getting too used to this shitty city. And I hate how stressed out your feeling. I don't want you to be like this, and I miss you. I miss being with you. I miss myself. I haven't talked to my friends in months, and i'm so so sick of everyone here thinking that I am I a quiet, reserved, passive person. Once they put you in a box, they can't let you out. I'm NOT that person. I know that i'm quiet, but can't you see that i'm intelligent and thoughtful and funny and quirky? You guys don't see any of it. And I know its partly my fault from distancing myself, but you have to realize that first impressions do not reveal who a person is. And I HATE the fact that you think its a problem. If i'm getting great marks, if I have friends and a boyfriend, if I participate where needed, being quiet is NOT A PROBLEM its simply PART OF WHO I AM. Why is it so hard to accept that? Thank you, Michael, for recognizing that for me. Thank you for saying that I'm "the smart quiet type", that I deserve my A+ and that it is so much better to be quiet than to be loud and obnoxious like the rest of the population. Thanks for understanding who I am without me having to justify myself.
I just do not understand it. If I am happy with the way I am, why do you have to turn my personality into a negative thing?
People just don't see me.
And I need a change. I need to read books and watch the news and go out for dinner with my friends and feel passion in my life and feel like myself again.

This program is so fucking emotionally draining sometimes. I thought I had dealt with all of that already, but suddenly the baggage is coming up to the surface. And it scares the shit out of me, because I don't think i could handle anxiety attacks again. But its there, just waiting to come up again. I don't want to deal with low self esteem, or feeling trapped in my own world, or being afraid to be in crowds, or to take the bus, or to be unable to have a basic conversation. I can't handle it. Because right now, i don't know whats causing it.

I need out of this place. This city is so draining. It's a waste land. I need to get out. I want these last two weeks to be over so I can get myself back on track. I haven't talked to my friends in so long, and i miss my family. I miss living in a city with opourtunity.

I'm worn out, i'm tired, and i'm ready to get out of here.

We fit together like a two piece puzzle. Your everything I could ever possibly need or want, but you know that. We have our future maped out in the ripe age of 18. You keep me crazy and you keep me sane. You remind me of who i am when i'm not quite sure.

But together, we're going to get through this crazy life. You are the only thing that i've ever been 100% certain about.

I have bad luck, and i'm not sure why. I have an anxiety disorder, and i'm trying to get through it. But you, you i am sure about.

The world is such a crazy place. I feel like I know more and less about it everyday. I am so indecisive and confused and i need to grow so much more.

But I am lucky, regardless. I have you.

I need a change.

I miss you. Come home?

I deleted them...

I fucking wish i didn't see that disgusting shit on his computer. Why the hell does he have that crap? It makes feel like throwing up. I understand that your an 18 year old guy, and i get that you like sex. Not a problem. But why do you have to put that shit on your computer? Especially when i'm here. I don't understand why you feel like you need that. Am i not good enough for you? too inexperienced? Not stutty enough? Do i care about myself and my body too much? Do i not turn you on enough? because, seeing as i'm your girlfriend of 11 months, you'd think i'd me able to. The thing that bothers me the most is that you, of all people, are the one who is disgusted by ditzy, stutty, hores. You are the one that likes a girl with a brain, who can think for herself and who doesn't need a guy to make her happy. Its just so fucking degrating as a female to see that. Its degrating for me, as a female, as your girlfiend, as someone who loves you and would go to the end of the world for you. It makes me think, well, what do you see me as? I always thought you respected me and would do anything for me and i know i'm not wrong. But how do you think it makes me feel to see that? Honestly? Guys who are obsessed with that kind of thing are pathetic, because they don't see reality. You just said to me, yesterday, that you would never want to go to Las Vegas because it is so fake. See what i'm getting at here? Your looking at a sick fantasy world, when the beauty of reality is right here in front of you. Your fucking contradicting yourself. Now it makes me wonder, are you telling me the truth, or are you telling me what you think i want to hear? I know what i'm saying here isn't you. But you see what i'm getting at, right?
Bottom line, women are not sex objects. I am your reality.
Can i just delete them? all of them? or at least the ones that are fucking discusting rather than slightly sexy? Or would that be an invansion of your privacy? of your personal space? Because i don't want to be that girl.

Something.
There's always something in the way.

You do what you have to, to get by.
I hate this place and i've been back a total of half an hour.
I just need to get through.
And next year will be all mine to do everything i've ever wanted.
And then we can start living.


I can't wait to start living the way we want to.


Thanks mom, for making me focus on the important things :)

...I don't know where i'm going.
I need a sense of direction, a map, something.

♥

...i'm nervous, i'm flawed, i'm scared of the future.

I hate moving. Especially when I don't know what i'm moving towards.

I love you, though, and I can't wait for you to be the first thing i see when i awake up every morning. You are everything i need.

I just feel like i'm leaving something behind this time.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be?"

In about two weeks, i'll be moving back to bville.
Class and assignments and placement and work and my amazing boyfriend.
It's going to be so stressful and busy.


...I can't wait

I don't want to marry you in a couple of years, when we are finished school and beginning our careers. I don't.

I want to travel the world with you. I want to explore. I want to discover all of the things we've always wanted to do, but haven't been able because of money, or just haven't done because a lack of ambition. I want to become more of who I am, with every piece of you. I want to see Italy. I want to climb mountains. I want to jump form hostel to hostel, city to city.

I want unpredictablity. I don't want my life to be planned out. I won't be happy that way. Just because I want you, doesn't mean I want a ring on my finger.

You know what? Everything always works out in the end. Always.
I stress my self out to much, and worry to much.
I know what I have, and what I have is amazing.
Life always works itself out. Not usually in the way you plan it.
But there is always opportunity, and challenges, and all the little things that make it all worth while in the end.
♥