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Oh Fuck. Here I Go Again.

A Cornicopia of Little Victories and Defeats

Brittanie

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December 26th, 2007

AHMIGAD

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So, it appears that my sleep schedule has returned to "HOLY CRAP HAYWIRE" status. 4am is my usual brain kill time. So I sleep until 3 or 4 in the afternoon unless someone calls me to wake me up and hang with me.

I am one big fucking ball of missing. Its been an exceedingly long time since I was so eager to get back in someone's arms. It feels good to know that he's thinking the same thing about me, but at the same time this nervous energy is so intense and unrelease-able. There's honestly nothing I can do to shake thoughts of him out of my head. That absence makes the heart grow fonder shit is for real real too, because my affection level has tripled in the past week. GAAAH. All I keep thinking is "I MISS MAH BABEH."

Anyway, the initial feeling of heart melting is over now, so all that "ouch I can feel again" bullshit is dried up. Which is excellent, because the drama going on at home would surely be pissing me off so much more if I was still in that state of mind. Nikki doesn't shut up about how much she hates Jesus, and I haven't got to see Milo yet since I got home cause of all that bollucks. I miss that tall german fuck! Its great hanging out with him and Nikki because his MELLOW cancels out her NUEROSIS.

In todays/christmas's news, there was a massive present spill at the nice gramma's house. Grampa's favorite holiday was christmas, so Gramma spent all her free time from thanksgiving on christmas shopping so she wouldn't have to be in the house. The payload for us little chitlins was MASSIVE. The pile took up half the living room and into the dining room.

Its getting way easier as an adult to sit through younger siblings getting more presents than me. I remember I used to be genuinely offended when I got less, but now I find that hideous jealousy has faded down to the occassional spark. More and more I'm getting concerned like my gramma must be dealing cocaine to have enough money for all these gifts she showers us with. And if she doesn't, maybe she should take it up before she goes bankrupt.

As for the adventure to the evil gramma's, that's becoming more tolerable. Mostly because I can watch the woman slowly degrade into senility. It takes the sting out of a lot of horrible things she's done, knowing that her brain is rotting from the inside. And, as always, everyone is obsessed with my aunt and uncle's kid. Ok, she's cute, but she's not really worth all the attention she gets. Honestly she hasn't shown that much personality. And she doesn't like me because I'm certain she can sense my weirdness. Haha, oh well. I'm sure she'll grow up like every other blonde.

I'm... Posting song lyrics, cause me and Chris <3 this song... The biffy clyro cover, not the rihanna version.

You had my heart
and we'll never be world apart
Maybe in magazines
but you'll still be my star
Baby cause in the Dark
You can see shiny Cars
And that's when you need me there
With you I'll always share
Because

[CHORUS]
When the sun shines
We’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath
I'mma stick it out 'till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we still have each other
You can stand under my Umbrella
You can stand under my Umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

[VERSE 2]
These fancy things,
will never come in between
You're part of my entity
Here for Infinity
When the war has took it's part
When the world has dealt it's cards
If the hand is hard

Together we'll mend your heart
Because ...

[CHORUS]
When the sun shines
We'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath
I'mma stick it out 'till the end


Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we still have each other
You can stand under my Umbrella
You can stand under my Umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

[BRIDGE]
You can run into my Arms
It's okay don't be alarmed
(Come into Me)
(There's no distance in between our love)
So Gonna let the rain pour
I'll be all you need and more

When the sun shines
We'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath
I'mma stick it out 'till the end

Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we still have each other
You can stand under my Umbrella
You can stand under my Umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

December 23rd, 2007

Rotting away at home.

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Alright, so I'm not really rotting. There hasn't been a day yet that I haven't spent seeing at least someone. I am consistently occupied, but I still miss him so, so, so bad. I wouldn't think that I'd get attached so fast, but hell if I didn't have to prove myself wrong in everything that I've thought about myself for the past three years. I could not say that I listened to any of my usual internal don't get attached warning bells. And for now, I'm pretty ok with that. Things are going exceedingly well considering my usual track record. I guess it helps that he has way more experience, so its easy to follow his lead. I seem to be picking up on it fast enough, I've already been broken of my habit of waiting until he calls me. Also I managed to navigate a tough situation all alone with no hints from anyone. Without freaking out.

Ok. It may be a little early for New Years resolutions, but I'm making mine already. My resolution is to absolutely not initiate a break up. That's been my problem. I break up because I don't want to have to defend anything important to me. Its stupid. There's no way to be in a serious relationship without having serious discussions. I don't know how I thought I could pull it off before.

But anyway. I don't think I've really ever met a person so similar to me. Its almost scary, but honestly, its really comforting to have someone who can follow my logic. There's been people that I've been able to sort of tailor my train of thought to, and there's Beckah who can like... vulcan mind link with me but I'm pretty sure only humors my logic because it amuses her, but no one who I've never met before who just clicked.

AHAHA. Happy.

BETH. CALL ME. I DON'T HAS YOUR NUMBER.

December 17th, 2007

Hint of Normalcy

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So being like this, having this hint of normalcy following me, its really strange. Its almost like getting used to a new body part. I'm playing with it, playing with the idea of it, over and over and over again. Its good though. Its a nice comfortable feeling to have that something extra again. Like before I was tensed up into a little ball all the time, and now that someone wants to pay attention to only me again, I'm slowly relaxing, slowly filling out into the shape of a person again. My thoughts are flowing more freelyit really is way easier to exist when I'm not so surpressed and lonely. Ah, human nature. It feels really good to be missed.

December 11th, 2007

home stretch

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its almost time to come home

i'm hyped, but there's so many people i'll miss at the same time

December 6th, 2007

Weird place.

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My head is in a really weird place right now. I know I'm happy, but I can feel all these frozen chunks of my emotions thawing and its heinously painful. Like the scars on my heart are peeling off by the scabs. You know it hurts, but at the end it doesn't itch anymore, and there's only that faint line of reminder.

Funny thing is, Chris says he feels the same way about sort of coming to terms with affection and his own feelings again. Its really refreshing to say something that I thought only I was feeling and have someone agree with it dispite how out there the reference is.

Figures gerdy would choose to start fucking with me again once all this stuff comes up. Moving cold spots be damned. Anyway.

I'm trying really hard to just go with the flow and not think about the past or future, or barely even the present. I'm terrified that my brand of clairvoyance is going to interfere with something good for me. At least I know that much, that it is going to be good for me.

He gives me goosebumps. You know how long its been since I got goosebumps from being touched? About seven years. That's not something I can disregard. I'm begging the universe that this isn't just strong eros, that our comradere will morph into something connected in the mind as much as the body. I can feel it there already just wait for me to give in, trust, and dive. And you know what? I think I might do just that.

December 5th, 2007

Thaw.

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Heart thaw, initiated.

Mood: Superior.

December 4th, 2007

That feeling.

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You know that feeling you get when you've been out in the cold too long and then you come inside and everything's hot around you? Pins and needles until you get back to normal temp? That's kind of what my heart feels like right now. Like, at first I had just my pain wrapped up and packed away inside me and I was just letting stuff leak out bit by bit when I wanted to use it to my advantage: pictures, poetry, live journal entries wangsting about all the terrible shit that happened last semester.

This semester its been like all my emotions have been cacooned away inside me. See, usually I let them out when I'm alone, but I honestly haven't been alone for a whole day almost all semester. There's been no nightly city walks, no where to draw inpiration from, nothing but a numb sense of dissatisfaction.

Today I had my portfolio review with Allen, and he basically asked me the question that I'd been dreading to hear from him. "Do you want to be a photographer?" And I realized that you really can't tell. I stopped growing towards the sun because so many other leaves are crowded around me. I am no longer the flower in a mowed field. I'm a bulb in a box, taking sedimentary root and waiting to be planted again.

All this stems from the fact that I haven't been letting myself experience anything at all this semester. Nothing. The first few weeks before the tv was had was good, we went out a bunch and wandered around, but then everyone around me just lost the drive to do things, and I let myself fall with them like some sort of lemming chasing its peers off of a cliff. I cannot let myself become part of the herd, even though it feels so safe and comfortable.

Of course, being pent up so close to almost constant nuerosis doesn't help any of this, because I'm never thinking about my own problems, just constantly hearing someone else's diarihea of the mouth. (no offense, and all love ment)

Really, there's been no time for me. Sure, I hated being sullen and in the corner, but at least I had dialog with myself befitting someone of my intelligence and didn't let myself water down everything that I say in order to avoid ridicule. Fuck that. At home I am a respected and defended individual. Here that level has gone quite downhill from what I'm used to. And I put up with it because being solitary isn't in my nature anymore. Because dispite how shitty they treat me sometimes, I still love my friends.

Anyway, all this ties back into the emotional disconnect I've felt with my work lately. I've allowed no emotion to fuel my mind, hammered myself back and down and under tarps and ropes to endure the storm of those around me. I've been waiting and comforting others as they shine around me, taking the classic woman role. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of this compassion that I took on years ago when I thought I could win D back, I'm sick of being everyone's shitting pot. I'm sick of people thinking I'm stupid when I bring myself down to the level of my surroundings in order to keep good relations. I'm done with being underestimated, with checking my ego, with not being top dog. Things are going to change ladies and gentlemen, and this woman is about to step up her game.

December 2nd, 2007

Awesome date.

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So yesterday I went on a date with this construction worker that I met on anonirape(date). I'd been talking to him for a couple of weeks and we just randomly decided to get together because he sounded pretty awesome, and he thought likewise for me.

Keep in mind that I'd just been going on dates with people from okcupid, and, lets face it, those aren't really the kind of people suited to my particular tastes. Anyway, so, we really instantly hit it off in a non-awkward way like when I went out on a date with that girl, Nina. I'm going to say that its because he's a /b/tard and we already had memes to talk to each other in before we actually had a subject of conversation.

Anyway, we went to the diner that everyone always gathers at and that I still have managed not to actually pay for anything in. Annd he likes to people watch and pick on people he doesn't know, just like me! We saw a super fag with a handlebar mustache and lol'd for a good three minutes.

Then we decided to go to st.mark's because its one of the few places outside of chelsea that I know pretty well. And I lead us on the long subway ride because I was having a blast and wanted to talk to him more. Annnd we got on an express to Brooklyn bridge. Which was all good because when we stopped to transfer back to the uptown he picked me up. And I'm not saying like, oh, he grabbed me around the waist and hoisted a couple inches. He picked me up like I was a fucking baby or something. It was so cool.

Then we meandered through the comic store and I made him happy with my random love of comic art. Then onto a stupid booth thing so he could buy a ring for his cartilage piercing that he had lost. The guy at the shop super-stalked us with the can-i-halp-you-buy-something-damnit look.

Then we just kinda wandered around until we eventually made it back to the dorms, ended up holding hands and all that great stuff, but not in like a corny way. AAHh the way he went about it was so fucking cute I almost died. @_@. OH. And he's like 25 so he bought rum on the way back to the apartment. I was such a lightweight because all I'd eaten was a couple chicken fingers at the diner. Three shots and I was donions. Or at least satisfied in my drunkness. It was a real good buzz that lasted like an hour, and I got to wrastle with Chris during that time and it was awesoooome.

And then he spent the night and cuddled with me and it was like... someone had made a duplicate of me in man form and set him down in the right place in the right time. Like all the stuff I would've done next to a girl got done to me X3. I was so fucking beaming. I only got an hour of sleep but it was all good. Absolutely worth it. I really can't remember the last time I just met someone and hung out and had such an instant connection.

And like for once in a really fucking long time someone really likes me that I really like and they aren't dating anyone else or just fucking with me. It feels so fucking good, like, just knowing that makes everything ten times better.

November 29th, 2007

UGh.

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Its just another one of those moments. I can't stop sleeping. I want to wake up, but the city is so grey. The room is never bright enough. When I open my eyes it feels like they are still shut tight.

Seasonal depression is rediculous.

All my inspiration and passion is gone. Poof! WTf. Everything is a chore. I'm a ghost.

November 26th, 2007

Scream.

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My body is absolutely screaming with hunger. I have this conflict of wanting to go grocery shopping and wanting to go back to bed. I slept all day after work because I was passing out at the keyboard there and didn't feel like struggling through photoshop. I told myself that if I woke up in time for psych I would go, but I didn't do that either XD.

This vacation was one of the best. I saw everyone I really wanted to see, and most of all I got the attention that I needed. And I did need it. I shrivel up and die when no one looks at me. I become a hollow shell when no one holds me. And I just can't seem to find that kind of cuddly close environment here. Hugs are given sparingly. I'm not some kind of attention whore princess anymore, don't get me wrong. But touch is essential and human. You'd figure it would be easier to find in this place of so many.

November 15th, 2007

Tired of Yaoi?

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I think I'm finally getting a little bored with yaoi. At least the stuff with such repeatative plot lines. Its like, I never fap to the stuff anymore, I just read it. I guess that's lame, but what ev.

Ugh. I have bruises on my trigger hand. How lame.

Zack left a really cool scratch on me somehow while me and Nick were attacking him, it looks like an arrow or a map or something.

These past few days have been a little strange. My abs have been bugging me because I overdid the sit ups. Not in the sense that they hurt, but in the sense that they are too buff now and stick out.

lately its kind of been bugging me that I seem to have less fighting strength than my male peers. It mostly bugs me because I work out so much and they sit around and play video games and still manage to tackle me. I mean, I'm getting bettar, but still. wtf.

I had to scout today for our architecture project. It was about a half hour full of fail.

Also talked to the kids at home for the first time in a real long while. Apparently milo and jesu are on the rocks, as I predicted. Then again I probably didn't help that situation.

I've been pretty stoic lately, I feel like I'm closing back down to the old me for lack of any conversation with emotional content. Its a blessing and a curse. On the one hand I'm not depressed. On the other hand, I'm settling back into comfortable numbness.

Vacation's coming soon, I'm not as excited for it as I should be. I want it, yes, but... I don't know. I feel like I'm going to be stepping into some hot water when I get there. There's drama amoungst the aomeba, social heirarchy changing while Jesu thinks she's staying, or ever was some kind of alpha or top dog. The group never had a single focal point, hence the aomeba. Its a constant shift and process of osmosis and regection. I'm really worried for her, I feel like she's lost her ease of friend making and become too accostommed to having the same group. If they really do regect her she'll be douchefucked. Emotions wise anyway.

Agh. Now that I think about it, I really miss chilling with nikulie and milo and watching random movies and listening to random music late at night. It was a really really good summer for that. I also miss beckah a lot. We hung out so much before the damn warped tour thing fucked us over. Then again I think I needed to be separated from her for a while so I could stop having a useless crush. I didn't even realize that's why I hated ed so much until today when I was talking to Nikki about it.

I haven't even thought about home politics in so long XD. I feel like my mind is getting a bit dull, there's no real politics amongst the trip or affiliates. Just Joe talking about other people, mostly to me.

Eh. I'm stagnant.

November 12th, 2007

Not ment.

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So I'm kinda doubting at this point weither there is someone out there ment to compliment my particular brand of crazy. I feel like D turned me into this person that was only ment to care for the type of person she used to be. Now I'm just going through life looking for her again. Really, she was a scumbag, and our relationship was epicly fucked up, but at least I was happy most of the time. Now I can't find any balance with anything that I try and go for. Its like life's saying "Well Brit, you had your chance when you were young, but now you're old and your certain mix of charm and intense discomfort at people expressing their emotions toward you just doesn't work. So be alone forever." Somehow I think life can't form sentences that complex. Or that simpley stated. Time and life are constantly working against each other, and simultaneously working against me. I spent a really long period of time not thinking about my past because it hurt, but now I just really miss it. Not even people or anything, just the simplicity of the way I lived. Come home from school after being teased, run through the woods with the dogs, go deeper and deeper with autumn's breath filling my nostrils until I was just another piece in the puzzle of earth, prepared to float away like a leaf on the breeze or die and rot and become a part of another living thing. Every time I breath in cold air or look up at the starless sky I miss that part of myself, the wild magic and freedom and mixed pain of that time. Now I'm just here trapped in the prison of thoughts and people I built for myself oh-so-carefully so that I'd never have to think. So I could be like some Furuba Touru and be kinder than I was. Which, dispite my gruff exterior, I believe I am. Its been ages since I set out to break a heart in attempts to heal my own grief. I don't take it out on other people anymore. I pack it inside. Lock it away. Leak it out with intense physical excersice and self denial. Sometimes I wonder how I'm so well trained. When did my willpower become so strong that the urge to cry morphed into energy that could run miles or lift nearly my own body weight?

I dunno. This entry is probably full of pms and crap. But I have to let the articulate and intelligent bit of me out sometimes, or else it'll dry up and wither like the leaves.

November 9th, 2007

As for my date

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It really went amazing. AMAZING.

I was beaming like an idiot when I came back. I really just needed that, someone to focus on just me for a little bit. I don't get that at all anymore, it just healed all that ailed me. I really had forgotten that being the center of attention has a physical affect on me.

Anywy, to describe the actual date, we met up at St. Marks by the giant cube, then got some starbucks. There were no seats there, so we went to the Barnes and Nobles across the street and found a neglected corner to sit in. We sat there for about two hours and just talked. Which was really, really awesome. We have a lot in common, and it was good to be able to talk about all the crap I like for once. She's totally my kind of people. I fucking missed hanging out with lesbians so much. And then we rode the subway uptown together and held each other up because it was crowded and I was the only one who could reach a pole. And when we left there was this really, really, really awesome hug, and she squeezed my hand and looked at me and I was like, done for XD.

Physically, she's shorter than me, and absolutely adorable. @_@ And butch. <3

November 8th, 2007

SO NERVOUS.

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I have a blind date today.

Don't worry, its with a girl this time.

I'm so nervous that my head feels like its being... I don't even know. I can't describe how nervous I am. Its in my skin. I feel like I'm overthinking things in a very Danielle-like fashion. No offense ment.

I'll tell you guys how it went when I get back.

One more thing.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhHhHhHhHhHhHHhHhHhh!!!

i'm scared.

November 5th, 2007

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXSlSlUElnY
MORITZ
Aweful sweet to be a little butterfly.
Just wingin' over things
And nothing deep inside.
Nothing goin', goin' wild in you, you know.
You're slowing by the riverside,
Or floatin' high and blue.

Or may be cool to be a little summer wind.
Like once through everything
And then away again.
With the taste of dust in your mouth all day
But no need to know.
Like sadness, you just sail away.

'Cuz you know I don't do sadness,
Not even a little bit.
Just don't need it in my life.
Don't want any part of it.
I don't do sadness.
Hey, I've done my time
Lookin' back on it all.
Man, it blows my mind.
I don't do sadness,
So been there.
Don't do sadness,
Just don't care.

(Scene)

ILSE
Spring and summer ev’ry other day
Blue wind gets so sad
Blowin’ through the thick corn,
Through the bales of hay,
Through the open books on the grass
Spring and summer

Sure, when it’s autumn
Wind always wants to
Creep up and haunt you
Whistlin’ it’s got you
With its heartache, with its sorrow
Winter wind sings and it cries

Spring and summer ev’ry other day
Blue wind gets so pained
Blowin’ through the thick corn,
Through the bales of hay,
Through the sudden drift of the rain
Spring and summer.

(Scene)

MORITZ
So maybe I should be some kind of laundry line.
Hang their things on me
And I will swing 'em dry.
You're just wavin' the sun throught the afternoon,
And then see, they come to set you free
Beneath the risin' moon.

MORIZ (With ILSE)
'Cuz you know I don't do sadness,
Not even a little bit.
Just don't need it in my life.
Don't want any part of it.
I don't do sadness.
Hey, I've done my time
Lookin' back on it all.
Man, it blows my mind.
I don't do sadness,
So been there.
Don't do sadness,
Just don't care.

ILSE (With MORITZ)
Spring and summer ev’ry other day
Blue wind gets so lost
Blowin’ through the thick corn,
Through the bales of hay

Spring and summer ev’ry other day
Blue wind gets so lost
Blowin’ through the thick corn,
Through the bales of hay,
Through the wandering clouds of the dust
Spring and summer

November 3rd, 2007

WANT A TABLET.

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I really do want a tablet now, so much. I've been working with one at work and now in school, and I come home to try and work and I'm like "Shit, how does I retouch with a mouse again?"

Also, on a not so needy (or is it?) note, I've been pretty depressed since halloween, a bit downtrodden. Its probably just seasonal, I need like a sunlight lamp or something. Or a cuddle buddy. Or to tell my fucking crush how much I like him.

Sometimes I think I could do it, that its the best idea ever, then I think about it again and I'm like "shit, wait, it could totally fuck up everything forever." I don't know which way to go with it. Its really stupid. I mean, for once I get a crush on someone that's not taken, and I can't even say anything. I'm paralyzed with fear of regection. Its so fucking lame.

Maybe I'm vibing on Sarah's angst from not eating. Or my barriers are leaking. I'm flipping back and forth between enjoying my robotic ability to thrive under pressure and a seething hatred for my denial of my own emotional needs. On the one hand, its better not to be concerned about really needing someone to have a certain degree of affection for me, its a distraction, but on the other hand I'm starving for someone to just see only me. Absolutely starving for it.Its probably what's driving my motivation for the gym, for being more disciplined about not eating. I feel like if I can look better than someone will look at me.

Eh. Fuck venting. Its tv time.

October 31st, 2007

halloween

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so, its halloween.

and everyone ditched me.

Thanks.

October 19th, 2007

i NEED A FUCK BUDDY

October 17th, 2007

So. I don't know where I'm going. I'm seriously just beginning to sort of drift through this happy life. Like, I don't seem to care anymore about getting a good job or living like a king. I'm not worried about when I'll find my ranch or missing my dog. I'm just really happy to be around all this people that I care about all the time. I really didn't think I was going to make any close friends when I started college. But here I am with a good ass load. I've never known this absolute secure feeling of people having my back. Its frightening. My one fear right now is losing that. I don't even want to go on winter break. I don't want to live anywhere else ever. I just want my dog and to live with all my friends.

Except when people get high and giggle outside my door at weird hours. V_V;.

October 12th, 2007

What is happiness?

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So. Right now. I'm really, really happy. I mean, honestly, I can't remember ever being in such a comfortable un-angsty state of mind. Its really terrible, because the happier I get the worse I do in school. Its so fucking weird. I should be angsting about being behind or getting bad grades, but really, what's the point? I love where I am. I love my life right now as it is. I love my friends, I love sarah and danielle, I'm just in such a good place. I'm not worrying about stupid drama. I have a job that'll get me some of the connections I need. The only major issue lately is Sasha. And in the scheme of things that's not a big deal until she sets fire to the apartment.

Today she left globs of paint in the sink and wandered out of the apartment down the hall to her friends room while she was boiling water. WTF YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH.

I really don't understand what her problem is. She has no respect for our apartment or any of us. She treats this place like a toilet and not a home. She needs to move the fuck out. Every time I try and ask her not to do something that has a good reason behind it she blows it off like its nothing. V_V

But other than that, life is le-good times.

Zack was shooting fake lasers through a cardboard soda box. So me and Nick attacked from his bed. I yelled "Do a barrel roll!" then did the slowest barrel roll in the history of man kind. He was just staring at me, and all of a sudden I just shot up and hit the box from the underside so it flicked up and hit him in the forehead. It was hilarious. Laughing ensued. Way to go Trip.
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