So I'm probably making this far more dramatic than it is, but there are of course, pieces of my story that only Beckah will ever know. And she only knows because she is always there when I get drunk and incredibly unbelievable things happen to me and the other otherwise normal drunk people around me.
Aside from that, let me explain how it came down to me getting drunk.
I'm very weirded out by the way Chris has been. Yes. We are broken up, yet he continues to behave almost as a boyfriend does. ("Hey you better not be making out with other doods and girls.") But. He does not show more than a slight inkling of wanting to get back together with me. So it becomes number one on my stress list. I know I should listen to the advice of all of my friends, and I know at times I was miserable. I know. A thousand times I know. I tell myself all that shit all the time, and I know there are other people even that I could be with. But once I get into that state of 'you are my kin, so I want to be around you to protect and be protected' it is impossible for me to just want to walk away from someone.
This brings us to number two. So I have been sitting at home, chilling with people and being utterly unstressed about more than issue number one. Two days ago, I get a call from the owner of the place that I'm supposed to be moving into. It was beautiful and brand new. So new in fact, that it did not pass inspection. So he tells me that I can find another place, or he'll hold it for me. March 1st is the date I got on that. This would leave me homeless for another entire month.
_Live with strangers for a month and take the place, paying up to a thousand dollars a month afterwards for rent and utilities and food. Probably more if you include food.
_Live with strangers temporarily until I find a new cheaper place.
_Move in with strangers on a more permanent basis. Potentially pay a lot less for living, but not necessarily be able to have any of my animals.
_Move into dorms. Pay way too much for too little and no freedom.
_Live on the streets. Plenty of people do it right?
_Live with strangers until Chris decides he wants me back. Return to a life of sweet routine
I'll admit, the last three are the least likely of the options. But this is the stress I have to live with right now. Not finishing school is not an option. I mean, I do have a degree, but I can't come home and fail right now. The bachelors is like... I don't know, its the only thing I'm left to tentatively cling to as some kind of permanent fixture. Everything in my life right now feels so temporary, and I hate it. I need the security of at least a place to call my own, but right now I'm haphazardly crammed into my great aunt's house. Its not uncomfortable, but its just not MINE. And I can't even fall back on a relationship right now, which would be really helpful. I can't even start moving on to distract myself, because I'm so plagued with the worry that Chris will suddenly about face. God damn this is a sucky position that I've put myself in.
All I can do is keep moving forward. I don't even have the time to sit and grieve, or rest, or anything. I am continually plowing forward into shit. Its incredible that my mental breakdowns don't last longer. Its like everything in my shuts down, locks down into the core of self preservation, and I don't even think about my reactions until much later. Then I can regret. But as soon as I have a breather to do so, something else terrible happens. Honestly fate, I've been kicking and struggling along since fucking october. Can we cut my some slack perhaps and make things go right again? I'm totally ready. Thanks.