I'm in a halfway state of mind right now.
I feel really jipped by school, but I want to go back to the city. I miss Chris.
And I'm so stressed and uncertain about that.
There was a few moments when we had a rough patch when I didn't think I wanted things to work out between us. But now I find myself being really terrified that he's losing interest in me. Its scary. He's been kind of really sweet lately, compared to the last few months, but its like the conversations we had when he was moving out made me look very hard at anything he says. And the fact that we do the deed rarely these days also has me biting my nails hoping I don't look like a cave troll. I've lost a bunch of weight, and I'm looking a little better everyday and working hard at it, but I'm one terrified twatwaffle.
Its hard to feel myself slipping like this. There was a small period of time where I had pretty decent self esteem, and a lot of confidence in myself. The last semester of my associates degree, before the whole Bushwick fiasco, was pretty much one of the best times of my life. I was doing well in school, volunteering at the humane society, Chris was still super affectionate, and I was constantly around people that I care about and people who care about me.
Now I'm in a dazed kind of funk. I there's so many things that need to be worked on that I'm just overlooking. My websites got cobwebs all over it, I'm behind in photoshop, behind in doug's, behind in journalism by way of not having any prints done. I mean, I know there will be a point where I'll just sit down and get it done, but the fact that I have to leave my animals in Binghamton when I go back to NYC tomorrow morning is killing me. And the fact that I'll basically be a nomad for a month and a half. And the fact that I potentially may not see Chris for that long. And then there's the huge stress just dangling over my head, the worry that he may really not get an apartment with me once the end of January comes around. He hesitates or doesn't want to talk about it whenever I bring it up and its maddening. Potentially not having a living situation is the most horrible feeling ever, and then put it on top of being terrified that the person you're in love with doesn't feel the same way and its Guantanamo.
Its really impossible to talk about with any body. As I think I've said before, I have to keep a lot of things compressed inside me. I just push them down and patiently wait and hope that things go my way. Its a lifestyle. So sometimes I get really upset and I have no idea why until trying to reason through a freak out later. I have been an exceedly strong person. There are times when I put myself through certain things just to improve my tough exterior. But all these stressful things seem to just be happening to me. They're pounding into me one after another and there's nothing to slow it down or stop it so I can get a break to catch my breath. I mean, part of being an adult is to deal with pressure, to learn how to cope and to move on with life in any and all situations. But I think a lot of what's happening is just a hair over my head. I know I put myself in a lot of these places, but I have no idea why now its chosing to bite me in the ass.
I just want to rewind the clock to last April. I want to stop and take Chris's apartment advice so that he doesn't slowly start to resent me. I want to chose a better place to live that wouldn't have enough room for Adam to have gone in with us. And then I want to spend the rest of my time at FIT happily spending time with my friends and my lover and my pets, making beautiful pictures through the eyes of me that many months ago, before I was tainted by sorrow and fear, when I thought everything was lovely in its own way, and when my mission was to show everyone else how pretty a moment through my vision could be.
Right now I'm so backed into a corner that I've reverted to my old tried and true taking Utz out and taking pictures. I feel like just starting from that beginning and putting all the pieces of my broken life back into place. I'm going to rewind back this jenga game if it takes every fiber of my detirmination and tact. Its possible. Each block can slide back into place, if I just start filling in the holes from the bottom up. From my base to each part of my tower that is precious, each cherished level.
Positive thinking, ALRIGHT.
Lol. Oh analogies.