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Oh Fuck. Here I Go Again.

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Freak out!

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So, my body is in freak out mode again right now, probably due to the lack of activity. For some reason I just tend to get these spats of rediciulous muscle aches that have no rhyme or reason, but feel like my body is decaying around me.

AGhgh. I can handle the pain and all, its just annoying to deal with hurting for no reason.

On other fronts, same old complaints. That gets worse and worse every day. I'm thinking of going down there for New Year's. Holding off until the sixth just feels like it might be too much. Also I've officially decided not to go to Nola with Danielle. I just can't afford to pay 230 bucks for a ticket and also feed myself for a week just to go travel someplace.

Insomnia is pretty much kicking my ass all over the place. I haven't been to bed before 4 am since I've been home. I wake up at weird hours in the morning. That and stress might be causing my muscular issues. I mean, right now, I know I should sleep, because I only got 3 1/2 to 4 hours, but I just can't settle my brain down. Everytime I try to go into rest mode all of the things that I haven't wanted to think about from the day just come bubbling up. Its so lame, because its always the same mushy gushy crap. Its like a damn plague. Its testing my endurance. Throughly.

Also, I've noticed that I am a totally different person around Chris than I am with other people. I never realized how deeply ingrained my primal social theory was. I act dominant to people that I know I'm stronger than, but if I know someone can beat me up I act so much more... Well, less masculine. Submissive even. I'm really hoping that the shit that happened when I was younger can be reversed. And doubley hoping that the wide difference between dominant me and submissive me is just something normal that I'm going through trying to acclimate myself to so much one on one time with someone I really care about. Third option: I'm just adapting. This seems like the most positive option, SO I'm going to believe in it.

I'm really fighting hard here not to become some lovesick sap. It scares me to be this attached. That part of me that always wants to be in control of everything is just wriggling around screaming. It doesn't want to give up that sense of security and invulnerability. And the rest of me is just mumbling "whatever, its all good." from the feet of this mass of thought that constantly hovers around him. BAwh.

Whenever I don't know what to do, I either back out, or go with the flow. And, I've already cut the back out option out. So all that's left is to just float free on the breeze, meditate, and let all these thoughts pass through me uncommented on. Whew.

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