You know that feeling you get when you've been out in the cold too long and then you come inside and everything's hot around you? Pins and needles until you get back to normal temp? That's kind of what my heart feels like right now. Like, at first I had just my pain wrapped up and packed away inside me and I was just letting stuff leak out bit by bit when I wanted to use it to my advantage: pictures, poetry, live journal entries wangsting about all the terrible shit that happened last semester.
This semester its been like all my emotions have been cacooned away inside me. See, usually I let them out when I'm alone, but I honestly haven't been alone for a whole day almost all semester. There's been no nightly city walks, no where to draw inpiration from, nothing but a numb sense of dissatisfaction.
Today I had my portfolio review with Allen, and he basically asked me the question that I'd been dreading to hear from him. "Do you want to be a photographer?" And I realized that you really can't tell. I stopped growing towards the sun because so many other leaves are crowded around me. I am no longer the flower in a mowed field. I'm a bulb in a box, taking sedimentary root and waiting to be planted again.
All this stems from the fact that I haven't been letting myself experience anything at all this semester. Nothing. The first few weeks before the tv was had was good, we went out a bunch and wandered around, but then everyone around me just lost the drive to do things, and I let myself fall with them like some sort of lemming chasing its peers off of a cliff. I cannot let myself become part of the herd, even though it feels so safe and comfortable.
Of course, being pent up so close to almost constant nuerosis doesn't help any of this, because I'm never thinking about my own problems, just constantly hearing someone else's diarihea of the mouth. (no offense, and all love ment)
Really, there's been no time for me. Sure, I hated being sullen and in the corner, but at least I had dialog with myself befitting someone of my intelligence and didn't let myself water down everything that I say in order to avoid ridicule. Fuck that. At home I am a respected and defended individual. Here that level has gone quite downhill from what I'm used to. And I put up with it because being solitary isn't in my nature anymore. Because dispite how shitty they treat me sometimes, I still love my friends.
Anyway, all this ties back into the emotional disconnect I've felt with my work lately. I've allowed no emotion to fuel my mind, hammered myself back and down and under tarps and ropes to endure the storm of those around me. I've been waiting and comforting others as they shine around me, taking the classic woman role. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of this compassion that I took on years ago when I thought I could win D back, I'm sick of being everyone's shitting pot. I'm sick of people thinking I'm stupid when I bring myself down to the level of my surroundings in order to keep good relations. I'm done with being underestimated, with checking my ego, with not being top dog. Things are going to change ladies and gentlemen, and this woman is about to step up her game.