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Oh Fuck. Here I Go Again.

A Cornicopia of Little Victories and Defeats

Brittanie

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January 15th, 2009

So I'm probably making this far more dramatic than it is, but there are of course, pieces of my story that only Beckah will ever know. And she only knows because she is always there when I get drunk and incredibly unbelievable things happen to me and the other otherwise normal drunk people around me.

Aside from that, let me explain how it came down to me getting drunk.

I'm very weirded out by the way Chris has been. Yes. We are broken up, yet he continues to behave almost as a boyfriend does. ("Hey you better not be making out with other doods and girls.") But. He does not show more than a slight inkling of wanting to get back together with me. So it becomes number one on my stress list. I know I should listen to the advice of all of my friends, and I know at times I was miserable. I know. A thousand times I know. I tell myself all that shit all the time, and I know there are other people even that I could be with. But once I get into that state of 'you are my kin, so I want to be around you to protect and be protected' it is impossible for me to just want to walk away from someone.

This brings us to number two. So I have been sitting at home, chilling with people and being utterly unstressed about more than issue number one. Two days ago, I get a call from the owner of the place that I'm supposed to be moving into. It was beautiful and brand new. So new in fact, that it did not pass inspection. So he tells me that I can find another place, or he'll hold it for me. March 1st is the date I got on that. This would leave me homeless for another entire month.

My options:

_Live with strangers for a month and take the place, paying up to a thousand dollars a month afterwards for rent and utilities and food. Probably more if you include food.

_Live with strangers temporarily until I find a new cheaper place.

_Move in with strangers on a more permanent basis. Potentially pay a lot less for living, but not necessarily be able to have any of my animals.

_Move into dorms. Pay way too much for too little and no freedom.

_Live on the streets. Plenty of people do it right?

_Live with strangers until Chris decides he wants me back. Return to a life of sweet routine

I'll admit, the last three are the least likely of the options. But this is the stress I have to live with right now. Not finishing school is not an option. I mean, I do have a degree, but I can't come home and fail right now. The bachelors is like... I don't know, its the only thing I'm left to tentatively cling to as some kind of permanent fixture. Everything in my life right now feels so temporary, and I hate it. I need the security of at least a place to call my own, but right now I'm haphazardly crammed into my great aunt's house. Its not uncomfortable, but its just not MINE. And I can't even fall back on a relationship right now, which would be really helpful. I can't even start moving on to distract myself, because I'm so plagued with the worry that Chris will suddenly about face. God damn this is a sucky position that I've put myself in.

All I can do is keep moving forward. I don't even have the time to sit and grieve, or rest, or anything. I am continually plowing forward into shit. Its incredible that my mental breakdowns don't last longer. Its like everything in my shuts down, locks down into the core of self preservation, and I don't even think about my reactions until much later. Then I can regret. But as soon as I have a breather to do so, something else terrible happens. Honestly fate, I've been kicking and struggling along since fucking october. Can we cut my some slack perhaps and make things go right again? I'm totally ready. Thanks.

January 2nd, 2009

In order to combat missing nyc, I've started to hang out with old high school friends. People who were actually in my class that I haven't hung out with in ages. Its keeping me occupied, but at the same time I'm longing for the pavement and high rise tunnels. I miss the train's banshee yell, the iron smell in the air after the rain. I miss making love to someone familiar. I miss my own place, I miss my tiny family unit.

Life is a fight. There's always something that I'm struggling with. The bane of humanity. My times of contentment have been left to inebriation and just forgetting. Forgetting that I'm human and just existing. Trying not to think too deeply on anything, the future, the present, the past. I'm trying to live entirely inside myself, just to keep from collapsing from stress.

I guess I gave up the not eating thing as soon as I got home, but I don't think I've gained that much back. I've been sticking to one or two small meals a day. But I have slacked off on my excercise. Luckily I finally got my membership to planet fitness. If my stupid hips feel alright I should be able to get in there tomorrow. I want to attack the eliptical. I miss that fucking machine so much. But I need to put a movie on my ipod first to occupy myself.

I really miss my friends from the city. I spent like every day hanging out with Joe and a bunch of people from my class. I feel really good about finally becoming close with my classmates. Its like the older I get the less socially akward I become. I'm evolving the ability to even talk pleasantly to strangers.

I have absolutely nothing of value to type. Its 5:30am. I slept until 4:30 pm yesterday... I should go to bed.

Gnight internet.

December 31st, 2008

Hookah with Nancy

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I have just officially had my first hookah adventure. The hookah bar on clinton street is actually pretty win. Nancy and me managed to kill time there just catching up from about 11pm to 1:20am. I haven't seen her in a year. I forgot that I actually get along super well with her. Then some random guys came over, this rugged looking blonde guy and a black guy in a super fly pimp suit. Both were a little buzzed, the blonde was possibly drunk and high. I really forgot how much I love meeting random people in Binghamton, or anywhere, and just chatting it up. Its so fun to talk to strangers. <3

December 24th, 2008

Christmas spirit and such.

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Shopped the other day for about 8 hours with my Mom and Gramma. It was intense, cause I wore stupid big heeled boots due to snow and cold feet and ended up dyyiiiiinnnnngggg.

I feel really awkward being here. Like a puzzle piece that got put in water. I still recognize the edges of things where I used to fit, but its like a swelled up too big for this place.

I miss things the way they were, but right now its fuzzy and far off, almost like childhood memories. I see Howard Beach through a fog, I've wandered away and fallen so far from it in such a short time.

Then again everything feels kinda like its in a fog. I'm swirling around and sitting in the stagnant puddle of Binghamton.

I'm probably dramatasizing this way more than need be. Its just I'm all scattered about. I spent a year knowing where my own personal affairs were and forgetting all about the future and the past. Now I have to work those things out all over again and its a bitch.

December 21st, 2008

Yeah so I figured I'd take the one from last year and spread it around like crack in the ghetto.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Moved into my own place, lived with a boy, had a long term relationship with a boy, got an associates degree in photography, watched wrestling, lived in Howard Beach, lived in Bushwick, drank a lot with out getting sick, got my own kittens... There's a lot of new stuff I did this year, I don't know if I can remember it all.


2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Yeah. I did. I kind of regret it but I did. I don't think I have anything I need to resolve on this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Uh. Not that I know of.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully not this year.

5. What countries did you visit?
Haha, I haven't been anywhere but NY, Jersey, and PA in years.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A successful relationship. Possibly. I'm not sure how long I want to ride the freedom boat again.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Oh jeez... I don't know. Probably Dec 2nd again. Me and Chris lasted exactly a year. Weird.


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Becoming an adult. Taking care of myself and having a place that was pretty much mine.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Being unsuccessful at sustaining my relationship.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yeah I drank too much and puked all day, I made myself sick with worry a bunch of times, threw out my back.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Uh, anytime I got Moe's

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
I wouldn't say anyone's actual BEHAVIOUR merited celebration...

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Chris. Carmelo. Oh and I was really upset about everyone who didn't show up to my party without a good excuse.

14. Where did most of your money go?
RENT

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Haha, sex.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
lol any Disturbed song. Cause of BWA.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
I. happier or sadder? sadder
II. thinner or fatter? thinner
III. richer or poorer? poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Enjoying life.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I dunno. Watching people open presents. Eating stuff. What does anyone do on Christmas?

21. [like last year, there is no question 21]

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Yes.

23. How many one-night stands?
Uh. Two?

24. What was your favourite TV program?
Ghost Hunters, as per usual.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Actually I don't think I really hate anyone right now.

26. What was the best book you read?
Choke.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
*shrug* I just started listening to a bunch of stuff that Chris listens to.

28. What did you want and get?
steady sexins.


29. [what the hell? There's no question 29 this year?]

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
BATMAN. er. The Dark Knight

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned twenty... And I got drunk and did stuff... See the one night stand question.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not being dumped and having to move.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
As usual. Jeans. Shirt.

34. What kept you sane?
Haha. Sane. That's funny.


35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Heath Ledger.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
OBAAAAAAMMAAAAAAAAAAA


37. Who did you miss?
I missed my friends, because I didn't live in the dorms and get to see them all the time.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Haha, Katie P. Best transfer kid ever.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you earned in 2008:
Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

40. Quotes that sum up your year:
"Daaaanks"
"your mother trebeck"

December 14th, 2008

To balance out the bad.

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You Are A: Kitten!

kitty catCute as can be, kittens are playful, mischevious, and ever-curious. Your mischevious side is part of what makes you a kitten, as is your dislike of getting wet! Kittens are often loving, but are known to scratch or bite when annoyed. These adorable animals are the most popular pets in the United States--37% of American households have at least one cat. Whether it is your gentle purr or your disarming appearance, you make a wonderful kitten.

You were almost a: Bear Cub or a Monkey
You are least like a: Chipmunk or a DucklingWhat Cute Animal Are You?


A friend of mine totally called this. She always says that I act like a cat. XD

November 30th, 2008

Half Way State

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I'm in a halfway state of mind right now.

I feel really jipped by school, but I want to go back to the city. I miss Chris.
And I'm so stressed and uncertain about that.
There was a few moments when we had a rough patch when I didn't think I wanted things to work out between us. But now I find myself being really terrified that he's losing interest in me. Its scary. He's been kind of really sweet lately, compared to the last few months, but its like the conversations we had when he was moving out made me look very hard at anything he says. And the fact that we do the deed rarely these days also has me biting my nails hoping I don't look like a cave troll. I've lost a bunch of weight, and I'm looking a little better everyday and working hard at it, but I'm one terrified twatwaffle.

Its hard to feel myself slipping like this. There was a small period of time where I had pretty decent self esteem, and a lot of confidence in myself. The last semester of my associates degree, before the whole Bushwick fiasco, was pretty much one of the best times of my life. I was doing well in school, volunteering at the humane society, Chris was still super affectionate, and I was constantly around people that I care about and people who care about me.

Now I'm in a dazed kind of funk. I there's so many things that need to be worked on that I'm just overlooking. My websites got cobwebs all over it, I'm behind in photoshop, behind in doug's, behind in journalism by way of not having any prints done. I mean, I know there will be a point where I'll just sit down and get it done, but the fact that I have to leave my animals in Binghamton when I go back to NYC tomorrow morning is killing me. And the fact that I'll basically be a nomad for a month and a half. And the fact that I potentially may not see Chris for that long. And then there's the huge stress just dangling over my head, the worry that he may really not get an apartment with me once the end of January comes around. He hesitates or doesn't want to talk about it whenever I bring it up and its maddening. Potentially not having a living situation is the most horrible feeling ever, and then put it on top of being terrified that the person you're in love with doesn't feel the same way and its Guantanamo.

Its really impossible to talk about with any body. As I think I've said before, I have to keep a lot of things compressed inside me. I just push them down and patiently wait and hope that things go my way. Its a lifestyle. So sometimes I get really upset and I have no idea why until trying to reason through a freak out later. I have been an exceedly strong person. There are times when I put myself through certain things just to improve my tough exterior. But all these stressful things seem to just be happening to me. They're pounding into me one after another and there's nothing to slow it down or stop it so I can get a break to catch my breath. I mean, part of being an adult is to deal with pressure, to learn how to cope and to move on with life in any and all situations. But I think a lot of what's happening is just a hair over my head. I know I put myself in a lot of these places, but I have no idea why now its chosing to bite me in the ass.

I just want to rewind the clock to last April. I want to stop and take Chris's apartment advice so that he doesn't slowly start to resent me. I want to chose a better place to live that wouldn't have enough room for Adam to have gone in with us. And then I want to spend the rest of my time at FIT happily spending time with my friends and my lover and my pets, making beautiful pictures through the eyes of me that many months ago, before I was tainted by sorrow and fear, when I thought everything was lovely in its own way, and when my mission was to show everyone else how pretty a moment through my vision could be.

Right now I'm so backed into a corner that I've reverted to my old tried and true taking Utz out and taking pictures. I feel like just starting from that beginning and putting all the pieces of my broken life back into place. I'm going to rewind back this jenga game if it takes every fiber of my detirmination and tact. Its possible. Each block can slide back into place, if I just start filling in the holes from the bottom up. From my base to each part of my tower that is precious, each cherished level.

Positive thinking, ALRIGHT.

Lol. Oh analogies.

November 29th, 2008

(no subject)

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So I'm at home for the weekend and I'm super just 'Ehhhhh' right now.

I want to go home but its obnoxious thinking that it won't be my home for that much longer. That and my cats and dog are now staying with my parents til I get a new place. I really am just in an "I want to give up" state of mind, so I'm guessing that I'm PMSing. And kinda sad cause the fish in my icon has been dead for like a year and a half :/.

November 1st, 2008

Been a while again

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I haven't felt much up to journaling lately. Too much other shit, and its too hard to find free alone time to just sit and vent shit out. A lot of things get surpressed to the point of explosion. But whatever. The more I harden and fall back to my steely core the better off I'll be.

Cats are going through another asshole phase and need to be fixed. I got a new tattoo.

I find myself zoning out into my own thoughts in a way that's completely different from when I was single. Its strange, isolating myself into my own world while other people are around. It leaves a weird taste in the back of my mouth.

I want this semester to be over. Its horrible. I'm stagnating, not learning anything. I feel outside myself right now. Like another person is controlling my actions and driving my body so as to continue to ride the fine balance that I've made for myself.

I think making a few new close friends is helping me out a little. I hung out with some new people on Halloween, making the split second desision to go get a tattoo with a girl in my class and her friend. I really enjoy getting to know new people that have the same attitude as me. I tried to make my halloween good, as I have been plagued with having bad days on this holiday my whole life. Hanging out with my friends was a good choice. Meeting new people and going on an adventure into new parts of queens a was also a good idea. It satisfied that empty party of me that fills itself up with wandering.

I got off at the wrong train platform on my way home though. And spent too much on the airtrain.

I don't exactly know where my life is going now. I feel pretty distinctly jaded in a way that I haven't felt before. I'm hoping that I'll have time to break out of it over one of the breaks from school. Its soul sucking right now. Empty learning.

Oh well.

In life news, I'm considering becoming a war photographer or a csi type photographer. I like the gooore.

August 9th, 2008

Haha.

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So I managed to not post for another month. Its hard to pour my heart and soul out when I'm constantly around mah man. Its really great though, all of my depressive moments are literally cured. Everytime I would be like "baw. this sucks." I get this burst of "well its not that bad, at least I'm loved." Which is all I needed really. I had like three or four good years of emo whiny faggotry on this site spewing out, and now its just all gone. All that old hurt dried up into a tacky spot of discomfort, like when you spill juice and just leave it to dry up, and accidentally brush your hand over it in the dark when you're looking for something more important.

Well as you can see my talent for ridiculous analogies still exists.

Anyway, I'm still not dead. I was just stagnant all summer. I've been working at a photo rep agency, and it was the complete wrong direction for me to go. It kept me occupied and paid my rent, but otherwise it was a complete waste of a summer... Well, as far as my photographic skills go. I found a lot of great resources and looked through a lot of amazing photographers books. I learned how much things are actually supposed to cost. However, unexpectedly I was not blessed with any side jobs assisting, which I was completely convinced I would be able to pull off.

As far as home life, there wasnt' much of one, which is in part why I'm so dissappointed in myself. If I had gone ahead with trying to assist then I wouldn't have been doing a god damn 10-6 and being home at 7pm every night. I wouldn't be office fat right now. Its killing me, I haven't been able to excercise because I literally have no free time. The second I get home I usually curl up with Chris and don't want to move for a while. Then I go all housewifey and make dinner. Then, wtf, already sleep time. I don't think I'll need anymore hints that office jobs are not for me. Hopefully I won't make this mistake again.

Now comes the time where I rant about how awesome my kittens are. Holy shit. So, most of you know how shitty the two younger cats at my parents house are. Chi and Copper. They're assholes. And Kitty Kat is a sweet heart but she gets bored easily with people. Then I hung out with Jared's cats, and they were alright, and then Sasuke-con-etc; was the most awesome cat I had met. So I had spent most of my life thinking cats were more of a vermin destroying necessety. Then I met Chris, and Chris adores cats. So, I figure we need one, we're in a situation where there might be pests that need a-killin, and kittens are cute.

Turns out one of my friends has a million cats, and some of the wild ones left kittens on their doorstep. So I went out there and picked out this little orange fucker, pretty much exclusively because he was the only one there that didn't have a cold. Two weeks later, I come back with Chris to pickup the cat, and they had found another adorable tabby on the doorstep. Now I would've picked this kitten out right away, but I had already commited to the orange one. And Chris goes, "Can we please take two?" and I was just like, fuck it. So we end up taking home two kittens.

As soon as we get them home, I figure out that these are the sweetest strangest cats ever. I've never had any kind of cat that would sleep in my lap one second and have epic battles with its brethren the next. As I type Momo (named after adorable squirrel thing in Samurai Champloo) is purring in my lap and just staring at me with loving sleepy eyes. And Mr. Kennedy (named for the wrestler) literally will give mouth kisses like he's people. And any time either of us is on the couch and they aren't rampaging, they come up and flop down on you like you're born to luffle them. They both walk around the shower while its on and sometimes jump/fall in. AHMIGAWD. I cannot get across the extent of their luffadorability as much as I want to. Have you ever seen something so cute you wanted to explode into spurts of rainbows, candy, and love? Well that's what its like.

Anyway that's my rant on that. I think that's about all I can update on right now. I'm sure in another month or two I'll have something to add. Remember, phone is always on, people with my number feel free to call whenever for the most part. If you don't have it and desperately want it for some reason, comment. KTHXBAI.

July 6th, 2008

Twelve Weeks Ago

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Twelve weeks ago, when my last post was, things were a lot different. I hadn't even gotten out of school, I was possibly looking forward to new apartment #1, everything was not so fine and dandy. There was kind of a collapse in the middle due to everyone going asshole apeshit.

Basically to sum it up one big I-told-you-so happened.

But now that's all over and done with, and I'm in a new place in Howard beach. It's pretty hellishly suburban, but that's alright by me for now. Plus moving my shit sucked so bad that I don't really want to get into it again for a while.

Don't let me make you think the neighborhood is anything but awesome. We're really close to some great restraunts and a lot of food choices that we didn't have before. We're a few blocks from the train.

Mostly I'm glad my goal of getting to have my dog live with me again was attained. Also we've got kittens. Kittens who are currently in hellraiser stage 2.

Its really weird. I feel adult and I don't know how much I like it. I have a job that I go to every day except Friday. I have a livingroom that I actually live in. A refridgerator that is full of things that are all mine to eat. Its getting good again, but some things are still rough. Its hard adjusting to not having friends around all the time. I can't walk upstairs and say hello to Joe Nick and Zack anymore. I'm really going to miss it. And I have no idea how to make friends that are local to where I live, everyone is so isolated in their own houses. Baw.

In any case, I may be doing a friends page cull shortly. Please comment to be kept on the list.

April 12th, 2008

Wow

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Its been an exceedingly long time since I've posted or read anything from livejournal. I've just been so damn busy. All my not class time goes to either photoging or to Chris. Look at my site damnit. Things in my life are really starting to evolve super fast. I'm slowly starting to get shooting work via word of mouth. I'm probably going to get an apartment down here rather than go back to Binghamton for the summer. I just feel ready. I'm sick of dorm life, and when I go home I never really feel like I'm at home anymore. I'm ready to move on and grow up. And when I think about not having Chris around for that many months I get unnerved, and it bothers me way more than how I play it off to him. I can't think even think about him not being around. And I can't wait to live with him, and Alex and Nick. Its going to be the best apartment evar. I'm going to get to live with two of my close friends and my man. I know that its not going to be some kind of happily ever after scenario, but its damn close to the kind of situation I used to dream about when I was younger, just being able to live with people I trust and care about. It would've been that way this year, but things kept throwing it off. Sasha, boys, Mel. I feel a little bad about leaving Danielle behind, but I never really see her anyway. She's always with Adamn, or working at school.

Anyway, this fifteen minutes was all I could give this journal for a while. Most of you guys know my number, and I probably won't be on this for another seven weeks. Call me if you want a more detailed update.

January 23rd, 2008

I'm going back to school in t-apx 32 hours. In those 32 hours I have to make sure I see Milo one more time before I take off, have a drive-by encounter with Beckah, do all my laundry, siphon through all my things and try to take less than I left with, pack without letting my dog on because she just stares at me and cries, clean my room out, put the futon mattress back up in the attic, and take Utsu out to the woods to let her run around. I can't tell if this is a lot or not, but it seems like it'll be a little stressful in the preparation to depart department.

Aside from that, I am so fucking ready to get the hell out of this place. Don't get me wrong. I love my friends to death. I love my dog. But I really can't stand my family anymore. Surprisingly, my level of liking has completely reversed since I got back. I prefer Kelsey and Dad to Stephy and Mom. However, these cats (aside from Kitty Kat, who is sweeter than evar) are one wrong move away from being crushinated. When they are in heat, they swarm around me like twin sharks, and when they aren't they hiss at me whenever I get to close. Egh. Hate. HAAATE.

The house is constantly filthy. Mostly the kitchen. I haven't eaten anything good for me since I got back. I gained back my pooch from not doing enough sit ups and not having a gym to go to. FAIL.

I don't know if I'll be coming back to visit or for any vacations. I just don't enjoy being here anymore. Aside from my friends, home just doesn't feel like home. Maybe its just because I can't be in the attic. That probably doesn't help, the room I'm in is colored like a box of nerds.

Anyway, I'm hyped to get back. Super hyped. I miss my dorm, my home, so much. I miss my roommates, and I'm excited and apprehensive at the same time to see how it goes with Mel there in Sashacunt's place. I just miss my apartment. Well, ok, I miss Chris too, way way more than the apartment. Even so, I know I'll freak out for lack of animals about a month in. Maybe I'll volunteer at a shelter or something. Its really hard for me not to have my dog around to cuddle with. She's the ultimate stress relievor.

Still, being in this house is, yet again, slowly chipping away at my sanity. I don't think my parents understand how well balanced I am when I'm not around all this mess and chaos. Also, people here are continually projecting their emotions on me. Gramma thinks me and Chris will end like Baron and Rachel, mom thinks we're like her and dad, and both of those are completely wrong, assinine assumptions. But I really don't want to talk about it to Mom because she's fucking batshit crazy and has no logic skills left from all the drugs and the Lupus. She's a completely different person now, and I know its because she's sick and sits in bed all day but I can't stand her anymore. She just has no idea about anything.

I don't know what I'm going to do this summer. Weither I'm going to try and get an apartment and a job, or if I'm going to just roll with it and come home. I just know I need to keep taking steps towards being more completely independant from my family. I know they'll always be there for me and all that, but I'm just kind of sick of their brand of support. I never thought I'd ever want to live in the city, but right now I can't think of anything else that I'd want to do more. The only thing honestly missing there is Utz. And if I get a place of my own that won't be missing either.

January 17th, 2008

Bad or Good?

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I'm feeling pretty down right now. I knew it was going to be bad to spend so much time with Chris and then have to be so utterly seperated for another week. Pretty much the only reason I made him leave sooner than he wanted to. Its making me nervous. Just the fact that I'm already starting to depend on his presence to make me happy. Its going to be a struggle figuring out how to balance my emotions again. I mean, all of my journal entries lately have been centered around him because I haven't really been thinking about anything else.

I really want to go back to the city now. I'm done with this vacation. I need to get back to my life. Also I need to get back to losing weight, cause I gained a shit ton of the stuff I lost back.

And these fucking cats in heat are driving me insane.

I miss my man.

January 16th, 2008

In Deep.

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So I'm pretty much twitching like a druggie on withdrawl. Of course I'm enjoying the ability to relax and recharge my intellectual abilities by not speaking and vegging out in front of my familiar comforting computer rays, but at the same time I feel like my arm is completely missing.

I don't want to go upstairs because he's not there.

In any case, the past six days have been interesting. I thought I'd pretty much crack under the pressure of having someone's constant attention, but I daresay I've done good. I've grown more familiar with his particular brand of pouting, but its not the end of the world when that stuff happens.

It kind of upsets me that he can't hear about anything I've done in the past with other people without getting withdrawn and angry. I really would just like to lay out everything I've done on the table, but he probably wouldn't acknowledge me for a good few hours. And it isn't even that bad, just strange.

Aside from that, he's amazing, and makes me feel like the hottest girl on the planet. I told him that my gyno said I need to lose twenty pounds and he flipped shit. Even though I would like to not be so fat :S.

Oh yeah. I went to the gyno today and I hate doctors even more now than I did before. I mean, she was nice and explained everything, but a stranger still touched me in ways no one I don't know should. I'm pretty sure you could jab your finger in there a little more delicately, doc. And I really don't appreciate you flipping my uterus around like a quarter. Don't even get me started on the metal spreader. I highly dislike it. And had to sit around waiting in medical garb (nearly naked) for an hour and a half. While poor Chris had to sit in the waiting room. Reading the entire eight page article about Brittney Spears not being able to see her kids anymore.

I am going to sleep so good tonight/tomorrow. Its pretty much the only thing I've been looking forward to about my chuck leaving. He can't sleep through the family yelling about anything, so basically he'd been waking me up and cheating me out of about a million hours of sleep.

January 11th, 2008

Sweet satisfaction.

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Sushi
I love that my sweet coursing karma still runs in high gear, even when good things are happening to me.

Also, I'm in a delightful floaty mood right now. I never really thought I'd get comfortable with being affectionate. But I really think I'm starting to enjoy all this lovely sappy bullshit. It just feels really good to be around him, like some chunk of myself that had gone off wandering came back to me. Like all that waiting, all those other crushes that were just sort of wrong place-wrong time, all that was just setting me up for something that I actually really needed.

Tomorrow I think I'm going to try and introduce him to the kin-friend group in binghammy. Here's to hoping it goes well.

January 2nd, 2008

2007 Survey

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Sushi
I dunno if its late to be doing this, but whatevs.

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
~Went roofing.
~Started playing guitar hero
~Joined an inter mural sports team
~Had sex with a man
~Ate a pomegranate
~Went on a double date
~Got reiki'd
~Had a roommate I actually hung out with
~Met someone I liked on the internet

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't even remember what my resolutions were.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, my grampa died, and also my dog Zoey died.

5. What countries did you visit?
Zip.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
~Higher tolerance to bullshit
~A fourth roommate who doesn't piss me off until I want to physically harm them
~A relationship that I don't bail on
~An apartment

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
~December 2nd. First date with Chris.


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
~Getting a quad

9. What was your biggest failure?
~My portfolio

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
~Only the usual semi annual crippling aches.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
~Skull Candy Headphones

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
~Nick's random bringing home of cake for "Cody's" birthday.
~Danielle learning how to cook an omelet for herself
~Apparently me getting laid, because people clapped whenever I did.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
~Nikki
~Jesus
~Sasha
~Ed
~Beckah

14. Where did most of your money go?
~Room and Board

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
~Moving into our dorm
~Guitar hero battles with Zack
~Partying at Kai's

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
~Holding out for a Hero
~Don't stop believing

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
I. happier or sadder? happier
II. thinner or fatter? thinner
III. richer or poorer? poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
~Exploring
~Taking pictures
~Working

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
~Napping

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Its over, and it was delish.

21. [like last year, there is no question 21]

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Not in any real sense

23. How many one-night stands?
One, the first and last one.

24. What was your favourite TV program?
Venture Bros.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Sasha

26. What was the best book you read?
Blue Moon

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
~Rock Band

28. What did you want and get?
~A shiny new video camera
~Monies


29. [what the hell? There's no question 29 this year?]

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
August Rush

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I had a bunch of people over, I think it was Ned, Julie, Nikki, and Milo. We had pizza. And played guitar hero. The end.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
~Less napping, more existing
~More aimless city wandering

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Everconstant jeans, and whatever shirt I want.

34. What kept you sane?
Naps


35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Jason and Grant from Ghost Hunters

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Nothing political stirs me.


37. Who did you miss?
Chris, Jared, Nikulie, and Beckah

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Chris

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you earned in 2007:
~Don't let people talk down to you
~Sometimes stern words are necessary to get a point across
~Never live with a Dominican woman.
~Dry erase board is the best way to communicate with someone you hate

40. Quotes that sum up your year:
"IT'S NOT BROKEN! IT JUST DOESN'T WORK!"
"Slowly by slowly..."
"Go read the note I left on your door.
Inside or outside?
How am I gonna leave a note on th-
Shut up."

Opening up.

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Sushi
So its been pretty good being at Chris's house for a few days. Spending a bunch of constant time together has made me really trust him way more. Last night we had pretty much our first serious talk ever. I opened up and told him a bunch of shit that I only tell the people I really trust and care about. It was really hard, but instead of backing out and bailing like I usually do, I just went ahead and tried to explain why I seem to have so much trouble dealing with his pretty much constant affection. I'm hoping it makes things easier, it should, because now I'm watching for the stupid things I do, and he knows that my mind is still a little fucked up from certain things. Also, he told me a lot about his past that explains tons of things that I was wondering about.

I think I might be going home either tomorrow or the next day. I still don't know. I'll just go when I run out of clothes or something. He probably won't be coming to visit me on the 6th though. It'll probably be more like the next week.

December 29th, 2007

Leavin

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Sushi
So I'm leaving the homeland tomorrow to return to the city.

I decided I was going down there on the spur of the moment the other day. And once I had even thought that I might go down there was no way to convince myself that I couldn't.

Sure, this means that I'll miss all the festivities up here, but lets face it, every New Year that I've tried to celebrate in Binghamton has been fail, fail, fail. Something always goes ary. So, in order to escape the curse, I've got to get the hell out of dodge before the devil catches me. I honestly have no clue how long I'm going to be down there. There's quite a few places I could drift to.

The only thing that is for certain is that I'll be returning before the sixth, because Chris is coming to the homelands to visit me and meet everyone in my circle of friends.

I'm going to try real hard to go to the ball drop in time square. Of course its gonna be packed, so I might just give up on it, but I've always wanted to go experience something like that. Super pumped about this trip. Its going to be real nice to be in the city and not have to worry about class.


Anyway, aside from that, my adventure last night needs to be noted. Nikki called me up to ask me to take her somewhere tomorrow, but she said she was at Milo's so I was like "OMG FUCK TALKING ABOUT TOMORROW I COME OVAR NAO." I flew over there and we had magical musical sing along time while watching Nik and Milo play Tony Hawk and some other skiing game. Then around 4 am Ben was getting restless about not sleeping, so I suggested going on a walk. We skipped off to the Hess, us being the motly crew of hippy, goth, and classic college student respectively. I say classic college student because I didn't curb my excitement about hanging out at Milo's enough to change out of my pajamas. In anycase, we got drinks and strawberry cigars at the Hess, and then took off up the mountain with a huff and a cloud of strawberry smoke trailing after us.

So, I'm relatively sure no one intended on climbing THE WHOLE mountain, but once we got up to a certain level and away from Binghamton, we started seeing this amazing pattern of streetlights, like the city was a blanket of stars. So, of course we wanted to head upwards to get a better view. On the way I tried to roll my tea can down the hill, but it was way too fucking loud to allow an actual decent, so I gave it a proper roadside burial in a snowdrift. Then I found the perfect bamboo whackin stick and we proceeded to pass and trick it amoungst each other for the lulz.

Once we hit the peak of the mountain, it was about six am, and the view was almost perfect. It was like looking down onto a sparkling ocean. There were lines of lights that looked like stardust trails leading off into the horizon, and when you tilted your head sideways it was like the world was splitting in two. We all shared a group hug, because the moment was just too picturesque not too. We stayed gazing at the view for about a half hour, then decided it was time to head back to Milo's. On our way down I showed my mad skillz with the bow-staff, and about five minutes after trick time was over and we'd moved on, a cop stopped by us to find out what we were doing. It kinda went something like this.

Me: Hi.
Cop: What are you kids doing?
Me: Goin' for a walk. Is that ok?
Cop: Getting into any trouble?
Me: Nope, just wandering."
Cop: (to milo) What's in your pocket?
Milo: (tries to figure out which pocket he's talking about, then realizes he's refering to his drink. he pulls it out and shows him) Green tea.
Cop: Hm. Alright, stay out of trouble.
Me: Yessir. Have a good night.

Pretty much the first time a cop has just approached a group of us to find out what we're up to. Which is strange, considering this was one of the more innocent of our adventures.

Anyway, so we made it the rest of the way back down the hill, back into Milo's house, and settled in a big puppy pile on the couch. Wrastling, of course, ensued. Milo almost crushed my fingers around my ring, and I ended up kicking him, albiet lightly, in the temple. Though apparently even the tap I gave him was enough to make him black out and fall over. He still insists he could take me in an actual fight, but considering that I only showed the slightest bit of pain when my fingers were about to actually break, and the fact that I merely tapped him with a kick and made him go down, I think all of us knows who would come out on top. XD Not that I would ever do harm to princess. I was shocked as hell that the kick affected him so much.

Anyway, after all that we had a bunch of random conversations, fueled by exaughstion (at this point it was around 7am). So Milo hopped up to go to piss and I curled up in his spot, and then when he came back we ended up being even more in a puppy pile because Nikki and him both ended up curling up using me as a pillow. I gotta say, I'm always super comfortable in situations like this. Furfaggish or not, I have a pack mentality from my dogs always taking care of me more than my mother. But alas, there is no sleeping allowed on Milo's couches, so I left for home when they decided they were falling asleep and skittered back into Milo's den.

Made it home in one piece, of course, despite the tight parking situation I found myself in. I passed out almost instantly after hitting the pillow, and slept a very good, dreamless sleep. After all, what dream could've stood up to that fucking epic mountain adventure?

December 27th, 2007

Freak out!

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Sushi
So, my body is in freak out mode again right now, probably due to the lack of activity. For some reason I just tend to get these spats of rediciulous muscle aches that have no rhyme or reason, but feel like my body is decaying around me.

AGhgh. I can handle the pain and all, its just annoying to deal with hurting for no reason.

On other fronts, same old complaints. That gets worse and worse every day. I'm thinking of going down there for New Year's. Holding off until the sixth just feels like it might be too much. Also I've officially decided not to go to Nola with Danielle. I just can't afford to pay 230 bucks for a ticket and also feed myself for a week just to go travel someplace.

Insomnia is pretty much kicking my ass all over the place. I haven't been to bed before 4 am since I've been home. I wake up at weird hours in the morning. That and stress might be causing my muscular issues. I mean, right now, I know I should sleep, because I only got 3 1/2 to 4 hours, but I just can't settle my brain down. Everytime I try to go into rest mode all of the things that I haven't wanted to think about from the day just come bubbling up. Its so lame, because its always the same mushy gushy crap. Its like a damn plague. Its testing my endurance. Throughly.

Also, I've noticed that I am a totally different person around Chris than I am with other people. I never realized how deeply ingrained my primal social theory was. I act dominant to people that I know I'm stronger than, but if I know someone can beat me up I act so much more... Well, less masculine. Submissive even. I'm really hoping that the shit that happened when I was younger can be reversed. And doubley hoping that the wide difference between dominant me and submissive me is just something normal that I'm going through trying to acclimate myself to so much one on one time with someone I really care about. Third option: I'm just adapting. This seems like the most positive option, SO I'm going to believe in it.

I'm really fighting hard here not to become some lovesick sap. It scares me to be this attached. That part of me that always wants to be in control of everything is just wriggling around screaming. It doesn't want to give up that sense of security and invulnerability. And the rest of me is just mumbling "whatever, its all good." from the feet of this mass of thought that constantly hovers around him. BAwh.

Whenever I don't know what to do, I either back out, or go with the flow. And, I've already cut the back out option out. So all that's left is to just float free on the breeze, meditate, and let all these thoughts pass through me uncommented on. Whew.
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