| With open arms, and open eyes. |
[Feb. 9th, 2006|10:43 pm] |
|
I'm almost always sure that my next words, will be my worst words, and that my next step will be one closer to hell. I don't know why when I open my mouth filth comes out, but things never quite come out the way I mean them too. Maybe I am in ways, just lonely and I am trying to find answers, or maybe I am just pushing everyone away from me and finding comfort in being alone. I say and do so many things, that I wish I could take back. Yet, I know that will never happen. I will always be a bit awkward, and I will always be a bit jealous of others that can find comfort in the presense of others. I will always long to belong, but never quite fit it. I'm pretty certain that the next words I type, will just be another mistake to my already long lists of faults. |
|
|
| |
[Feb. 4th, 2006|08:21 pm] |
I stole this from Eriya, cause I freaking said so.
1. Name: Kazumi
2. Birthdate: 6-13-XX
3. Age: 16
4. Eye color: Dark brown, a black girl in my class calls them beady. Now she calls them beautiful, cause I told her beady makes me sound like Peter Pettigrew.
5. Hair Color: Brown. Just brown. James, Brown.
6. Personality: Crazy, and as some would like to say evil. I would like to say I am just a bit misslead.
7. Describe yourself: I have my problems.
8. Are you double jointed? No...I don't think?
9. Can you roll your tongue? Mhmm.
10. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time? Oh you bet.
11. Can you cross your eyes? Who can't?
--GET PHYSICAL--
1. Type your name with your eyes closed: Kazumi
2. Type your name with your elbow: kaqzumi <----That took me a minute.
3. With your toe: kazumi (I know fucking skills)
4. With your non-dominant hand only, turned around: kazynu...(Take back previous comment)
5. Open a book and turn to page 8. what is the 7th word from the bottom? "this"
6. Reach out with both arms. what do you touch first? My computer screen.
7 If your NOT home alone sing this verse really loud and tell us if annyone says anything to you, "OOOH, shes sexy! work it work it owwww. la la la LAH":</b> My mom already thinks I am crazy enough, no thanks.
--DO YOU--
1. Eat spam or potted meat? Do I have a choice? Do I look low class? Bitch...(JK, on occasion my mom has made spamiches. Spamiches = Spam + Sandwich)
2. Type with one hand only? Nah, only when I am doing something.
3. Wear the same piece of jewelry everyday? I'm a straight male.
4. Usually approach your crush or keep it low? Depends on how I feel about my chances.
5. Have a mole anywhere on your face? A lot, one is named Enrique. For understandable reasons.
6. Write with your right hand or left? Right
7. Cut up all of your meat, then eat, or cut each at one time? I'll cut it, when I get there.
8. Carry more than 10 dollars with you on an average day? I try to.
9. Have blue eyes? Nope.
10. Have a swimming pool? In Washington? Are you fucking kidding me?
11. Sing really well? In my dreams.
12. Stay at the computer more than an hour at a time on average? Naturally.
13. Wear thongs everyday? Kinky, but no.
14. Like rock music? Pretty much.
--EITHER/OR--
1. Rock or Rap? Rock
2. Chinese or Mexican? Chinese.
3. Coke or Pepsi? Dr. Pepper.
4. Straight or Curly? Straight usually has better results.
5. Guy friends or Girl friends? I would like one of either really.
6. Chick-Fil-A or Zaxby's? Who?
7. Ludacris or 50 Cent? LUDA! Hahahaha.
8. Guitar or Drums? I really like guitars.
9. Chocolate or Vanilla? Depends on the day.
10. Hot dog or Corn dog? No care for either.
11. Mustard or Ketchup? Dijon Mustard.
12. Beach or Mountains? I like both, but the mountains are calming.
13. Beef or Chicken? Chicken is great.
14. Me or You? I would like to think me.
15. Boxers or Briefs? Boxers fo sho.
16. Panties or Thongs? When girls wear Hello Kitty panties...that is just cute as hell. Bahaha.
--CURRENT--
1. Clothes? Red PJ's and Blue Element Shirt.
2. Taste? Watery.
3. Smell? Fresh mountain air!
4. Hair Style? Spikey and Short.
5. Perfume/Cologne? Allure Homme....Chanel >>...no one saw that.
6. Nail Color? Clear?
7. Hated Song on the Radio? Country. Most anything Country.
9. Crush? Too confused to think straight.
--CLOTHES--
1. Where do you shop? Places.
2. What do you usually wear: Jeans or Khakis and Shirts...the usual.
3. What kind of shoes do you wear: Globe
4. Do you wear a watch: Nah.
5. Color you never wear: Pink I think. Haha I rhymed.
6. Color you wear at least once a week: Blue. Black. Red.
7. Something you wear everyday: Your mom. ON MY PENIS! Sorry =/ sorry =/.
8. Do you wear make up everyday: I try not to.
9. Make up essential: Your...nvm. No comment.
10. Most cherished piece of clothing: I don't really have one.
11.You wouldn't be caught dead wearing: "Real men wear pink" shirt. That just proves your queerness.
12. Do you wear belts: Everyday...to skinny to not ><.
13. Do you wear hats: My head is too small -__-||
14. How many pairs of shoes do you have: Counting soccer shoes. 6. |
|
|
| Mmmm.... |
[Feb. 2nd, 2006|10:05 pm] |
|
Pretty much hate life...mmm yea. |
|
|
| Fools Rush In |
[Jan. 30th, 2006|10:46 pm] |
I really have to read sappy stories that make my heart ache. I bet you didn't know that...that I read stories almost all day that are romances O_o. I don't know why I do it, it makes me more depressed then anything else, but I am always searching for happy endings. I wouldn't say I would get so sad as suicide would be a choice, but sometimes I really do find myself going against a lot of what I think by becoming a dreamer. Love is just like that guess, it is kinda the holy grail.
"Romance is a game for fools I used to say
A game I thought that I'd never play
Romance is a game for fools I said and grinned
Then you passed by and here am I
Throwing caution to the wind." |
|
|
| RIP Sanity |
[Jan. 29th, 2006|02:44 am] |
//"Of all the things I've lost...I miss my mind the most"//
On Thursday a member of my school passed away from an overdose of heroin. It doesn't really effect me, but he did have a name (Tibor). Things like that just shouldn't happen at such a young age, but I can't say I didn't see something like this happening. I mean a death that is in high school. Almost everyone experiences it, but I have to say the way he died especially disturbs me. I know I shouldn't wonder, nor should I care. Yet, it is so utterly selfish of someone to die because of such a thing. I know it sounds like I am ripping a person who has died, but it is. He was a nice young man and he did have things going for him. But how selfish to hurt his family and peers in such a way. I can understand a car crash or something that isn't entirely your fault, but when you kill yourself on drugs you have no one to blame except for yourself and your uncontrolled and immature actions. He hurts the people that have to live with his mistakes the worse. The people that helped him through each day and cared for who he was. He makes people scared for their lives as well. They are threatened because someone went down. Will it stop people from taking drugs? Hell no, they never stop no matter what. It is sickening and the people who suffer is just the families that have to deal with it.
I know I shouldn't wonder about other things too, but when he died...did he think it could never strike him down? Was he under the impression he needed more and this time he would be alright? It just seems like there is these druggies who feel that this time, they will be ok and that is their last time. What if he expects to go somewhere after he is dead? Well what if he was wrong?
Now all he is, is just some lump of protein that will slowly decay. All he is a name and a thought in the back of someones mind. Maybe their is a heaven, and he went, or maybe their is a hell and he went there. Yet, no matter what he died younger then he should have because he tried to make up for something by finding an escape. That escape eventually led to his death a supposed ultimate escape, because no one else or himself could help it. I hope his friends feel ashamed too. I saw some of them cry in the halls. They shouldn't cry for their loss, as they should of their own inability. They let a friend die, because they couldn't help him by turning him away from drugs. In the end though, I hope I die when it is just my time. I don't want to hurt people by lettiing them think that I had so much more to live for.
RIP Tibor. |
|
|
| Merg. |
[Jan. 22nd, 2006|09:07 pm] |
Finals week is over. I am not to stressed I guess, I have no clue how I did in Chem but my 3 tests I had in Math went decent. I got 103% on the first test, 84% on the second and 92.5% on the third. All over the place and really not acceptable. It should be more like 110%, 92%, 100%. Just stupid little mistakes of course. My band final was really funny, I got to school about 10 minutes late and I took a one minute shower and ran to school. I went the whole day with people saying I look really tired...I was like thanks -__-||. Yea but the final for band was to just learn how to play voilin hahaha. It was funny we had the little kids pick us and none of the little kids wanted me! I asked a girl if she could please teach me and she was like NEVER! I laughed really hard about it though, I thought it was funny. My fellow band mates kinda mended my self-esteem. I sucked though, I didn't really learn well, but oh well I didn't really care and we all got A's. The kid tried to teach me what a rest was...and I didn't have the heart to tell him I knew very well what one was, so I played along with it ^^.
//I think I broke it//
I played an indoor game with my team and it went pretty well, it was more a test of my legs. It failed horribly. We won 9-4, but I just didn't feel well at all and I got drilled in the knee pulling a move when some kid didn't follow me well. My legs are really not any better, and that is after a month of pure resting. I really fear for them, I go to the doctors tommorow. I wanted to try out for Eastlake soccer this year, but I doubt that now. It is just not happening.
//Doing good for your community//
Today I worked a bit for Habitat for Hummanity. Those kind of experiences are very humbling, but also very annoying when you have to wake up so early from a long week of school. Alas thought I felt at least good about myself that I helped someone. I mostly helped move stuff and measure and I hanged around with an old guy named Dick -snicker-. Anyways I went with two "friends" who when they asked for 2 volenteers ditched me like it was the new fade, and I was left alone in a very awkward and sad condition. S'alright though...I get so used to it, it doesn't even bother me anymore. I went into those rooms that were supposed to be for 2 or 3 people and it made me really sad, my bathroom was at least that size...I was glad to help at least cause I don't know...it is just a good thing to do I guess.
//My search//
I am searching for something I have never really had. A really good friend. Someone I could I don't know just depend on. My whole life I feel like no one has ever thought that highly of me. Even my girlfriends. I just kinda wish for someone who needs me through it all >>. I figured maybe just by chance, I would be able to connect someone just like me. Just develope something nice, but alas I am really started to give hope, in my real life and online. Sometimes...maybe it is because no one has ever tried, or maybe I haven't enough? I guess maybe I am just not friend material. I am way too evil, concieted, and vicious. I get to confused by the normal daily things, and I am always thinking differently from day to day. I think one day I will have that day when I just get someone on my side once and for all, but I really hope that day is soon, cause I am starting to get kinda lonely. |
|
|
| Cause I freakin' said so? |
[Nov. 30th, 2005|11:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
I figured I should write in this for a certain someone :). Yesh. Today was an ok day I guess, as always I did ok in school. I think I am getting along a lot better. I really want to start a journal >>, because everyone knows guys can't say diary, that is just queer! Not that that is bad >>. Anywho I got accepted into All-State again, wheee 2 times in a row! I would pat myself on the back, but that is just way to far away. I mean come on, all the way on my back! Jeesh...might as well ask me to write a book. Anywho enough about that.
Oh noes...I forgot what I was going to write =/. I always have to write about my day first to get things off my chest, it is just one of those things...maybe if I had more interesting stories...and and and PICTURES! With lotsa colors! And all that snazzy stuff. Alas, sometimes at night I feel like just exploding cause I don't feel like I am getting anywhere. I want to connect with people, but no one is around to talk to O_o. I feel seperated, but I want to just sit down and really just have someone to talk to...wishful thinking leaves me ready to burst I suppose. KABOOM I GO! |
|
|
| Testing 1...2... |
[Sep. 12th, 2005|07:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Meh... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Tongues_Pepper | ] |
Since the mucho talented Kizunami has helped me figure out this crazy action called LJ, I figured I owed it to her at least to write an entry. I guess I just talk about my week? I don't know..-shifts uncomfortably- Today I wrote a letter to myself, and I found that I like that way of writing so for now on, I will be writing letters to myself.
Dear Myself,
Howdy...or something. You are a big nerd you know that? I can't believe you finally passed your written test, you have had all of summer to do that and you do it in the first month of school. Smooth. Is it odd that I talk to myself so much? I don't think it should be. What good is anyone without questioning themselves. It seems to help me think more clearly, or just get confused. Not sure. I like tricking my teachers to think I am not paying any attention at all, then when they ask me a question I answer it, as if I wasn't pretending to sleep. It helps me from being called on later in the year when I really want to catch up on sleep. 'Tis the life of a slacker. What did I do this week? Uh...hmm. Oh yea that is right. On Saturday I went to a friends house, ok so I made one of my friends drive me there. When I got there we just played Forza Motorsports for X-box for like a year. Er...rather 6 hours straight. It was good fun, we also watched the kid who owns the house beat a boss in World of Warcraft. Anywho back to Forza...we went crazy and won like 400,000 credits O_o. We were on our way to by a Le Mans car, but then we noticed it was like 11pm so we all left. Then on Sunday I had a soccer game, meh. We won 3-1 or something. I didn't get to play as much as I would of liked because of my pulled muscle. It was fun in the way that the coaches told me to keep taking falls in the box, none of it worked, but it was still interesting I guess. I don't know what much to say, but I remember what I wrote at the end of the letter to myself. I said something like, "Whenever I read, this. Aka you read this. Be sure that you are a better person. I am not always the best person around, and I think that I could be a better person if I tried. So I hope that when I do read this I am a stronger, braver (sp?), and more polite person. I hope I don't have to look back at this and see that I have become something that I would hate. Always remember who you were and who you are." Something like that, I just don't want to see myself as a bad person in a year and a half when I get that letter back. I guess I will work on that, for now I must say good-bye.
-Kazumi |
|
|
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
_kazumi_'s journal