| I came "home" |
[Nov. 25th, 2011|10:42 am]
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This morning, coming home after ANOTHER 10-hour day at work (at which I was coached for "not being productive" ... but I don't want to get into that), I came home to a partial non-shocker--No leftovers in the fridge.
Last night, my "family" went to my aunt Yvonne and Uncle Steve's (or it was their daughter and son-in-law's, I can't recall) for Thanksgiving dinner in Winnsboro (near Columbia). They called around 6:45.
"Thank goodness Daddy reminded me to call and wake you up."
"It's only 45 minutes after you asked, and I told you, when I wanted to wake up."
"We're in the middle of dinner. It's very, very good."
"Well, I'm gonna get up and make me a sandwich. Thanks for calling, Mum."
Brady comes over a little late; he had to go to Wal-Mart to get anything hot to eat. Everyone else closed at 6, or weren't open at all. Sad and funny that burger flippers, the most frowned-upon, look-down-noseyish work force in the nation... Gets Thanksgiving off. I digress.
He comes over and we watch episode 5 of Homeland while I make and eat a sandwich. Not a great sandwich, just egg and toast.
We go to work, walking a quarter mile from our cars in the freezing cold, soon to appease the greedy, capitalistic curs our nation lauds, coerced with "deals" in trade for loathesome strife and a breeding ground for breaking nearly all of the ten commandments... I digress again.
Anyway, bullshit bullshit bullshit later, we get our tiny lunch break and management has supplied us with smushed half-sandwiches half-wrapped in cellophane. Another sandwich, but at least it's food and I didn't have to buy it.
All night, I had the displeasing jealousy listening to my coworkers gush about how stuffed they were from their dinners, how they had no room for the sandwiches, they would have so much food at home, etc. and so forth. I sit down and a lady I see and talk to maybe a few times a month comes over and talks the usual business that I normally see her about whenever I do get to talk to her. I'm scrounging things to make a palatable meal: condiments from different drawers and shelves in the fridge, nabbing some cold, leftover potato wedges the deli provided us, looking to see if there were any forgotten things in the freezer, and as I sit down, she walks past again and asked how my Thanksgiving dinner was. I told her ... the sandwiches were my dinner, (In retrospect, I tear up at the sound of that, in regards to how much I actually am blessed with food most of the time.)
"Hold on a minute, before you open that sandwich."
"?"
"_________ (I forgot who she said) brought a few extra plates from her house, in case no one got to have thanksgiving dinner. It should have enough on it. Here you go."
Sandy pulled it out of the fridge and sat it and another plate of sweets (a slice of red velvet cake, pumpkin pie, a piece of rum cake, and some oreo balls) and sat it in front of me.
"How come you didn't get any dinner?"
Dear God, what to say?
"My family went to Columbia to be with the rest of my family for Thanksgiving dinner.They called to let me know how good it was."
She just made this funny, sad-looking face, and said "I hope you enjoy it, Holly. Happy Thanksgiving."
A few hours later I saw her again and thanked her again for the food. The ^-^ face I made when I popped the first oreo ball told her enough, she said, lol. I told her I could only hold half the plate, it was so good and I was really full. "I'm glad I get to walk around and help customers all night to work it off just so I can finish it tomorrow!" She laughed at me then, but the good-hearted kind of way.
I'm weeping now as I type this.
I came home to a fridge devoid of even a Ziploc container. Every year they (my extended family) make a lot of deviled eggs because they know they're my favorite... And not even one of those were in the fridge when I came home, dead-tired, 20 minutes ago. I was too let down to go straight to bed so I had to come here...
Sandy has a few little trinkets near her desk, one of a caricature angel made of wood that says "be someone's angel today" and I weep, too, because my family has no concept of charity like that. Not even to their own blood. And sometimes I honestly feel like they will not be spared suffering in Hell for how they are.
It's hard to accept.
Which is why I feel no remorse for not warning Mum I'm leaving.
She is no mother to me. |
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| I don't lie; I misappropriate my time. (December Recap) |
[May. 17th, 2011|02:38 am]
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December was weirder. My birthday "show" from Dean was soon to come and I had my birthday off (yes, they were on the same night). I went to the bar and got my Guinness and called my roomie from college, who lived close by, to see if she wanted to come out and have a drink. She came soon enough and turns out, her mom knew the owners, so they got in free and got me a drink for my birthday. A shot of 100 proof peppermint schnapps. Very nice.
And I had consumed a Guinness draft.
And another friend had bought me a birthday drink; yes, a 100 proof peppermint schnapps shot.
Yep. Bad tolerance = wasted in seconds, lol. I was texting with Aaron a little before it but mainly, I was talking to Dean, or trying to, when I had a chance, or his best friend, the drummer. Alissa had even brought her mom to the bar, too, so we all chilled out and talked about the crappy band that was opening for SIXandTWENTY. They left soon after, missing them play, but I was enjoying it. I had to start sobering up for the drive home in two hours, so I started to eat every thing Alissa had put in my birthday goodie bag.
Dean took me outside at one point and wanted to tell me how he was sorry that he didn't have anything but the show to give me on my birthday. He pecked me on the cheek and we went back inside. I didn't get lucky on my birthday, which was good. But now I was 25 years old.
Childless.
Unmarried.
Feeling like a loser.
But more on that later.
A few days before, and I made the "call to prayer" for his grandma. I called him once and got in touch with him a week later for just a couple minutes, but apart from that, subsequent calls and messages, once a week afterward, went unanswered, and he seemed to cut all ties with me. Why, I didn't know, but I was deeply hurt. How could he be so cruel, when I wanted to be his friend if nothing else, when his cousin who told me what he knew/could about him to help me date him? I didn't understand, but Aaron was supportive.
Christmas Eve, I was talking to Aaron about Miyavi and great acoustic guitarists after the oddly-awkward exchange at the Stahl's Christmas Eve get-together. My "aunt" whom I never see, bought me a size 20/24 blouse. "Oh, shoot. I'll exchange it and get you a smaller size" was the excuse she gave me as she took it back. No one, who had asked, believed the clothing sizes I gave them in response to my attire. But there I was, in the flesh, 60lbs lighter than last year. Let's say, I was relieved when none of the awful clothes picked out for me fit.
Christmas Day, Paul and I (The Brayden like  uranus_sama had endured) were trying to get back on better terms. Jeanna and I had talked about Aaron, whom she had the fling with a month prior, but even so, I felt the distance I kept with him was better. I didn't want Jeanna's sloppy seconds (even though I was attached to Paul in a Stockholm Syndrome kinda way). That night, before work, Aaron called me, and I stood, standing by my open door, watching the miracle snow fall outside, telling him I was hoping he was having a good Christmas, all the while wishing I was standing there watching it with him. It had been 48 years since the last time it snowed here, on Christmas day.
I went to work that night, stuck texting Paul, but wishing I had Aaron to talk to when I got off in the morning.
I'll write about New Year's Eve later in the week. It was a rough, weird night, and I'd rather not type about it right now. But Aaron was there, supportive in my romantic endeavors, despite how he longed for me to come to him. |
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| ["this is not about you, because it's all about you"] |
[Oct. 26th, 2010|09:21 am]
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| [ | Tags | | | blessing, comedians, epic win, god, love, profanity, rant, russian revolution, stereotyped, surprise, trip, wtfyall | ] |
I'll just wangst about a couple things for the moment. Everything else is too tied up with my emotions that I don't plan on broadcasting just yet.
( Costume woesCollapse )
( Commencement variantCollapse )
( swimsuit/bikiniCollapse )
( Getting badassCollapse )
TL;DR—Pwned by China, my muse is coming back (yay!), omfg bikini, and not minding getting pushed around by tweenage girls who are awestruck by my social/"love" life. |
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| *cackles* |
[Oct. 18th, 2010|09:36 am]
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Rats are not very romantic people. But when they are with a highly compatible partner, they can be very intense and passionate.
In love, the Ox people usually choose a partner who will be quick to put a protective arm around them in times of need and their love for someone usually lasts a lifetime.
...XD
Dis gon' be guuud, kids.
kinda funny how I get along with Rats, hrm? ♥ |
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| Symantics |
[Oct. 11th, 2010|01:54 pm]
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| [ | Tags | | | acquaintance, air force, blessing, epic win, fangirl, karl in ceramics, love, michael c. diesel, nerd, russian revolution, single, stress, wtfyall | ] |
"Mis"pelling is intended, loaning the sym for 'symmetry' and parlaying to Old English spelling, in addition to concerning itself with the interpretation of words
I haven't updated in a while. Mainly, I don't want to elaborate on the clusterfuck that is my life at current. It's a good clusterfuck, in a sense. It's progress in a ... healthier direction, but still, very frustrating. /cryptic
More of my friends have been promoted at work. We all know Adam's doppleganger, Trey, was transferring, and he did my 1 year evaluation before leaving, thankfully. He's the only guy left in charge from when I was hired, it seems. Eric, my new favorite manager, got sent to 1st shift to be grocery manager. Sighhhh. His last day on 3rd with us was also Will's, that tall, dark, rednecky handsome guy with the crazy fiance. He got his transfer to his neighborhood store approved. Gone are his two-hour commutes to and from work. The next night was extra-rough, it seemed, by their absence. The only people I can stand talking to now with frequency are Big Al and Les, the security guard. The whole night after, I was plagued with a type of mourning mixed with apprehension. I'm anxious; what if Big Al and Les get sick or hurt and they leave, too? I've lost the company of many dear people, all stolen away by circumstances beyond their control. I'm tired of it. When I finally get close to someone, I lose them, yet I continue the vicious cycle because I'm hard-wired to love making other people laugh and feel better.
The next night, nothing, nothing, NOTHING was going right. At all. Bereft of good feelings, I remembered something... Whenever I was in a horriblehorribleangry, people=shit mood where I wanted to take a blunt object to everything, if I could make Thomas laugh, I immediately felt ten million times better. All was right in the world if I could see Thomas laugh, forgetting his cares for a moment. Giving him that pleasure returned it to me ten times more.
Hm.
...Maybe that's part of the psychology behind why men desire/offer to perform oral sex on women. The thing is, it must be proferred without any guile or selfishness at all to be overwhelmed by the genuine good!feeling. yes, that came out of left field, I know It's such an intimate, intrusive act, and women conjecture so much about the emotion behind it. Maybe there is no emotion or thinking involved at all, when men have that desire or voice it.
Anyway.
Weight-loss progress is finally progressing. I've hit 168.2 and keep in the 168 range. I've been a better stickler to my diet lately. What's helping me the most is avoiding boredom eating by IM'ing and texting. Granted, it's not the morning schmexytime I used to enjoy, but this suits just as well, too. /overshare Only improved my running time to 12:22, and that was 3 days ago. Oops. :/
Got a new phone, because I was tired of the old one's ringer/speaker not working and not waking me up. Sadly, it means I need to insert all of my contacts in the list... manually. Sadly, the SIM cards don't transfer, and there's no way I know to do it with these basic prepaid devices. It's like night and day compared to my old one and I can text like a deeeeemon with it, lol. Has a camera, so I can get in trouble. Also, can record sound, and I recorded the funniest ringtone. It's so appropriate.
From 0:36 to 0:47
"You notice with the purr, for other women, it's like-it's like, rawr, but for you, for you it's like raaaaawwwwwwwrrrrrrr
That's how every man worthy of me should feel ;) no I'm not conceited, why do you ask?
Basically, I'm lonely at work in body, but the spirit of so many dear people still glide about on soapy heels and the memories keep me company. Sometimes, I even miss Cow pissing me off. I smile, though, because I know I'm never fully alone—I'm unforgettable, and some still dance with my ghost, too. Will (the one with the psycho fiance) told me in Facebook chat how much he already misses me singing and dancing around in my department and watching me climb in and atop the diaper frame. I'm blessed to be able to feel comfortable enough to do that again. To be silly, to thrive and glitter.
I shant chase, but be chased; shant sought, but be sought.
As there is stage, spotlight, I shall find
Myself, cursed with desire to be in
that arch. I have a fondness for glitter,
and glitter I shall do, for you, because you
...Are fond of the vibrant colors I splay.
You give such good chase. Our game of fox and hound is merely paused, for now. I look forward to resuming it with you again soon. |
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| Idio(t)syncratic (Twittery) Musings |
[Oct. 2nd, 2010|12:04 pm]
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| [ | Tags | | | acquaintance, air force, comedians, dream, epic win, fangirl, love, michael c. diesel, mike sasso, nerd, single, stereotyped, story: the red vineyard, stress, surprise, trip, wtfyall | ] |
►12:28 full jog. Last time, I speed-walked a section and only sacrificed a 5sec difference.
►Jasmine is back at work and the other night, she goes "You're still wearing that claw earring? Why?" "Because I am." She doesn't deserve the answer of 'I'm a romantic.' Animals don't understand the concept of romance.
►I don't know if I mentioned it anywhere, but last week, I had my first Conan dream in the longest time. I'm sure it's been about 8-9 months since my last one, but he and Andy were in a VERY icy parking garage in a 56' Chevy convertible. And I'm bobsledding on the ice to make it to their car. And they laugh and give me a ride and we go to Sonic and eat a bunch of burgers. It's awesome. This is BIG for me. I haven't dreamt about Conan in so long... That means I'm coming back around, y'all. ♥
►Also, "Maybe Thomas would've stuck around longer if we put more singles (dollar bills) in his g-string." was a phrase I never expected to come out of SOMEONE ELSE'S MOUTH at work. A million and a half dollars to whoever successfully guesses who would say that (David, you have not met this person).
►Corey Taylor's birthday is Dec 8. We're 12 years, 3 days apart in age. And he's redheaded. He's so full of win. Nnnnnnngh. ♥ He's the penultimate rocker sexgod for me. Like... Whoa. Wow. Hurhur.
►I HAVE OCTOBER 15TH OFF AND THAT MEANS WE CAN HAVE A REHASHING OF EPIC THAT I HAD LAST TIME I SAW SIXandTWENTY.
—Also, Eric is leaving. ( D: OF ULTIMATE PROPORTIONS.Collapse )
►I am filling out my Slipknot and Rammstein discography. It's about time, Hollykins.
►Have you ever read ppl's journals and witnessed as they travel a path so very similar to your own? The paths are in your forest, but they never intersect. However, you're experiencing the exact same emotional tumults as they? I've seen it in a few of my friends, but I'm afraid to say anything about it. I'm afraid they will judge me for comparing/contrasting my pain with theirs, or their travels with mine. That I'm maintaining conceit by noticing similarities in things they feel, that they do not wish to taint their sorrows with mine. I don't want to say something and then hear "this is a case of apples and oranges!" and I'd just be like "... ;~; DIGNITY COME BACK"
( Breaking into the Neon storyCollapse )
Among other things, I wrote a novel, for crying out loud.
►Dude said to me "I'm redheaded. You're redheaded. I like redheads. That's just the way it is."
Me in my infinite charm and charisma? "...Koohohohool."
►Evelyn may retire soon. I think Holly is comfortable enough to come back to the forefront again. She flickered through July and some August, but she needed a solid reminder that she is, indeed, unforgettable. And that's making her shine brightly, once again. ♥
Sparkle, my dears.
( きら☆きらCollapse ) |
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| Epic time is epic PART 1 |
[Sep. 21st, 2010|09:56 am]
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| [ | Tags | | | acquaintance, attention, comedians, epic win, fml, god, ignored, michael c. diesel, profanity, rant, single, wtfyall | ] |
I've experienced more fail lately than I'd like to realize (as in, the past two days have been full of fail) so I'll just rewind and tell you about my weekish away from you lovelies because I don't want to forget this up-growing I'm doing.
( Read more...Collapse )And that concludes day one of 3 days of epic awesome. Tune in later (as in, be on my F-List) for more (and there will be a few pics of my new fashion acquisitions because sometimes clothes are awesome not just because they keep you warm :D. I promise to be less bitchy about the next recapped days. |
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| how to handle a rope {tie it around your neck} |
[Sep. 9th, 2010|09:49 am]
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| [ | Tags | | | acquaintance, air force, attention, fml, god, love, michael c. diesel, profanity, rant, single, stress, surprise, wtfyall | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Queens of the Stone Age - How to Handle a Rope | ] |
I have some kool news and some WTFISTHISSHITICANTEVEN news.
( kool newsCollapse )
( WTFISTHISSHITICANTEVENCollapse ) |
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| Twitta-tweetweetweet *clapclapclap* |
[Sep. 5th, 2010|09:25 am]
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►13:20 holy cow.
►I asked a guy at work tonight "When someone breaks up with you, how long does it take you to get over it?"
"As long as it takes me to get through a bottle of Jim Beam."
That wasn't helpful.
►I'm getting paid DOUBLE TIME tomorrow (tonight, really) for working into Labor Day (FUCK YEAH FOR MONEY) and I just got off shift with the $1.00 additional an hour premium for working what-is-technically-Sundays. This makes up for calling in last week.
►One of my back molars broke. On ice cream (I abstained for a week and a half). FML there goes that bonus...
►I was zoning with James, an older man (50's) who reminds me of Andy Griffith with his simple and kind way about him. When it's just us zoning and chatting in an area, he says the funniest double entendres. The last time he was talking dirty, and this morning a customer tried a slip-and-fall and I remarked how they wouldn't get much out of this store.
"Yeah, I hope they enjoy their bruised ego and 20% discount or whatever."
"Wow, we're such mean-spirited people about the customers here..."
"You make me wicked."
LOL WTFERY INDEED.
"I don't make you anything you aren't already, sir."
*giggles* yes the man giggled "You're right."
":O"
►A friend told me tonight that I'm going to know TEN more heartbreaks like this one by the time I'm 40. What? WHAT?! I've only known 1 heaping double-punch of heartache and dribbles of a first in a 7 year span. I'd say I'm far behind on that estimate thank God because I feel too hard.
►OMFG ERIC I COULD KISS/HUG YOU. You do NOT know how oddly helpful you were tonight. It's kinda funny, the information you tell me when I'm not even asking for it. Maybe I'll just firmly shake your hand at some point, lol...
( and more pwnage from EricCollapse )
►Nicole reminds me so much of me even more, when I first started. She said something about Maintenance and asked "Where's Thomas?" and the dingbat newb who was hired with her didn't even know who Joe was, he said, until last night. She could have sworn she'd met Thomas at some point... She looked at everyone (me, James, William) wondering if she was crazy. "Wasn't there another Thomas?" I just looked at her, for once, and nodded.
"I thought there was... Where is he?"
I wasn't in a place I could answer, so I said nothing. James said nothing. William just shrugged his shoulders and went "There was another Thomas?" ...This, coming from the same guy who fixes heartbreak with a bottle of Jim Beam classy.
( Today's pic is actually related to content in this entryCollapse ) |
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| Bullets in the Quiver |
[Sep. 1st, 2010|08:22 am]
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| [ | Tags | | | acquaintance, attention, blessing, epic win, god, love, michael c. diesel, music, nerd, reviews, surprise, video post, wtfyall | ] |
A lot of weird stuff has happened on my 3-day weekend. I felt awful Sunday and needed to be with David after all the shitfest that went down, so I stayed with them the night and helped him with the store in the morning. Lots of good David/Me time. But! Let's condense this Twitter-style, ok? OKAY.
►Sometimes it's okay to take a break from yourself/routine in order to get back to what matters—Good company, lots of food, and not exercising. Also, running is my least-favorite method of working up a sweat in the world. I greatly prefer my earlier exercise routine.
►David proposed to me (this time—I had sorta proposed a month back). I didn't know he was doing it at first yes, dense as always:
"We should be like Alan and Denny."
"What, buy some cigars and have a scotch when we get back?"
"No, get married, so we can take care of each other."
Sorry, but even though it's an appealing idea, we just wouldn't be happy at all. That's also a set-up that's hard to explain to other guys when I bring them back to my place (which he said I would have to and should resort to). "Yes, this is my husband. No, he doesn't care to watch. Stop asking about the dress and keep kissing me."
►Ran into Christian when he was getting off shift at WM. He was ending a phone call and Mum was saying I was keeping him from his call with his wife or girlfriend (I think he's remarried already, but I'm not certain). I was waving Mum away (so I could tell him about Thomas leaving {I don't particularly like bringing him up so much around Mum}) and before she did he bear-hugged me. We walked to find something he could cook for dinner ("I need ideas. Something quick, though. I've got homework and laundry to do.") and when he got what he needed, Mum circled back around and he gave me another bearhug in departure. Both times, Mum didn't look at me/us in judgement/confusion/o_O. She said to me once before, and has reiterated it a few times, that "I can see how someone could fall in love with you, especially with your personality... especially if the person they're with or were with is so boring in comparison. It can be overwhelming at first, but you're magnetic. Your crazy simmers, gets manageable. The ones who stick around get the benefit of you." She said that to me again later on, as we completed our trip, on our drive home. I am NOT saying Christian and I are dating/will date/could date/etc. just for the record, but he's an example of a good, safe, interactive coworker friendship Hm.
►It's a terrible burden to be a single, attractive young woman between the ages of 25-35.
►I had written before, about how I felt God had sat idly by in the MCD saga. I wrote recently how Les and David just let me be whatever I'm feeling. It finally joined to make the thoughts cohesive. That is what Jesus was doing with me. He never left me, and how I said it felt like He was only sitting by was a correct assumption. I'm supposed to go to Him because I can fall into His arms and be weak there; He shouldn't/doesn't hunt me down with a pointy stick. I only came to realize this when the congregation sang the hymn "Tell Me The Story of Jesus" Sunday morning.
( lyrics under the cut—they're beautiful (even if you aren't a believer)Collapse )
►Ingrid Michaelson is on Twitter. I must follow. How did I not know about this earlier?
►I've had it on TBS for 1 hour. I've seen Conan promos 6 times. I am so thrilled this station loves him so much already. ♥
►Jeanna (who I am going to make sure I see either Monday or Tuesday when she's in town) tweeted "my cousin's last name is going to be Slaughter. That cracks me up for some reason. She also wants to name her son Temple. Temple Slaughter." How is this not inherently \m/ METAL \m/? She's a year or two my senior, and experiences things a year or to before I ever do... It's weird...
►Watched/listened to a TON of baseball last night and it felt really good. Had a big hamburger while watching/listening to said games. Life was good.
►"I love the way you cut tomatoes and vegetables. Not because I don't want to do it, but because you're... so good with a knife."
"You wanted to say 'hands', didn't you?"
"I try not to be lewd when it comes to my only daughter."
"'Comes to your only daughter'?"
"This is not a Craigy Ferg show."
"Then why are you laughing?"
►I love these two Bible verses/sections. Basically, it goes
"I'mma let my kids suffer to refine and test them, to strengthen them, but those assholes who talk nice but feel evil in their hearts against them? Yeah, I'mma avenge myself on them, because when they fuck with the daughters of my people1, I'mma fuck them up." So yeah, God allows suffering for growth, but for assholes? He'll crush 'em, because they're being assholes to be evil, not for their own personal growth.
TL;DR version: DEM BITCHES GOING DOWN.
1 translations everywhere else include "daughter of my people", even in the ESV, but their website's ESV doesn't include this for some reason... o.O;
►A cancer benefit concert MayLay is doing sprang up last weekend for this coming Saturday. I want to go, but not alone, because it's out of state AND will run late. MCD Jr. invited me to their last show, and since I couldn't make it, he threw this one at me right after. I'm not sure how I feel about this at all.
►Fuck you, Saved By the Bell rerun entitled "The Mamas and the Papas" that just aired. More of that marriage/divorce/compatability shizz shoving in my face. WRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYY. AND I NEVER WATCH SAVED BY THE BELL RERUNS.
And now for a message:
minimal make-up just mascara and chapstick ftw! |
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