| A Personal Lent — Day 9 |
[May. 2nd, 2011|06:43 am]
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“I’m 25; I feel I’m behind on everything. It’s about time I think about these things. My peers are already married with children, building lives, and so forth.”
“You’re so old!” Diana teased my basis for argument before sobering. To think about my future by focusing first on time passed. “But I want you to think about it; how long do you want to look at him and talk to him?”
“I have told him, and I feel it deep in my bones: I never want to not be friends with him. Is that true love?”
“Maybe so, after all.” |
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| I lied. Sorry. (November recap) |
[May. 2nd, 2011|09:49 pm]
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I said I'd update before the end of April but I missed that deadline. I had anticipated being able to update during my vacation (April 23-28) however... I was too busy having a vacation, for once.
Anyway, I need to recap on a lot of things that have gone on since, well, November, basically. I nevr updated about LA, so I'll do that now.
I was disappointed about what happened in LA. My friends I met there were intensely flaky about something was deeply passionate about. So passionate I flew and spent a good bit of money in order to experience. To some, spending time with me was fine, but the delay waiting on a bus ride home was not worth it. I may not see them again, but someone who I felt convinced they were a very close friend, and I wasn't worth the sacrifice of sleep. I had sacrificed a lot, but I wasn't worth their time sacrifices in return. It hurt.
A lot.
Maybe a lot more than it should? ... No, I won't even concede to that thinking. It hurt me for months, to the point I didn't want to talk to anyone I had spoken to or bonded with in the previous 6 months, and those people were completely ignorant that they had been too self-absorbed or conceited to realize it, so I left them alone. I can't deal with people with non-existant self-awareness. I was let down and I wasn't going to let myself be let down about it, so I kept if from people who would judge me with my own feelings.
I felt so lonely and abandoned when I got back home, I wept at the sink. I just fell down on the futon and cried until I couldn't stop crying. No one wanted to be around me. I was completely alone. No one cared. I cried like a child, exulting all of my frustration through cries and tears.
Also, Princess was having more and more panic attacks where she was urinating EVERYWHERE inappropriately and we gave up after two years of fighting and surrendered her to the animal shelter. I wept for two days after that, too. I was tired of being an empty failure. The pain was too intense for writing to give me any cathartic release... So I typed/said nothing.
After that, Dean stopped talking to me completely, but in the interim, I started talking to his cousin (we'll use one of his names) Aaron so I could learn more about Dean. Yeah, that's pretty dirty, but most things to do with relationships require some subversion to learn about people who don't want to be learned. Then I realized, long after that, Dean didn't want to date me because I wasn't a whore/was a virgin; Aaron wanted to date me because I wasn't a whore/am a virgin. We started talking in November and we just got along from there. I wasn't interested in him; all he did was wake up and immediately smoke a joint. Who could wake up and, at the realization it's a new day, go "Oh, I can't take this already. I must get stoned." But we got along really well and had a lot in common. But, he was only 20. I didn't want to deal with some loser kid whose life was such a depraved shitfest in any kind of romantic way, but he was good talk. I was glad to make a new friend. It was a nice surprise when he'd pop online and say hey immediately. David was no longer going to church much; we weren't bonding as much as we had been in the spring and summer, so the only person I still had to talk to became Aaron. Everyone else pushed me away or fell away.
Paul and I had a fight and stopped talking. Mainly, I was wigging out because I deperately wanted to be in a relationship and he is non-committal, overly-insecure asshole who picks out everyone else's flaws and tries to hurt them with them so that they are unable to see his flaws. I was tired of being lonely. I was still missing Thomas a lot, because it was around my 1 year anniversary of starting at Walmart and meeting him. Hell, I had even SEEN him, in the flesh, on the first of the month. November was hard.
December was going to be harder... If I let it be hard or didn't, it would be hard. So, updating more tomorrow on December. This update took three hours to write, because everyone was taking my attention away from me having any time to myself. |
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